Hi everyone! Just me
Well this morning i got insperation for a new story and i know i got two on the go all ready that i wilkl keep on writing but when insperation hits it hits.
Well to the point, There is a new story in the creative corner of RYL called those you left behind. I am not sure weather i will continue but it would be cool if you would like to have a read of the first chapter and tell me what you think.
Thanks everyone, Vikki
Monday, 31 January 2011
Saturday, 29 January 2011
and so the war starts again (Emmet's side)
And so the war starts again
After getting out of the measuring cup I went over to the fridge and opened the door seeing what flavours where residing in there before deciding the best option would be to ask Mi what she liked the best.
“What do you like Mi? Strawberry, chocolate, Asparagus? I turned my nose up at the last one. I couldn’t bereave they actually made an Asparagus one let alone any one of the nurses would of decided to have ordered it.
Mi didn’t answer my question instead she just gave me a shrug and looked confused, she still didn’t have a clue what she was in for yet and I still hadn’t thought of a way to tell her that wouldn’t freak her out.
“I heard that the chocolate is the best.” I said grabbing a bottle of it out of the fridge and going about measuring it out in the containers I had got out before when I got the right amount I poured the gritty brown liquid into the into two plastic cups before taking them over to the pull out table by the doctors bench, that was when the realisation registered upon her face and it hit her hard. I could see the colour draining out of her and wondered if it would get as far as actually drinking the stuff before she was sick again.
“Your going to have to drink that for me.” I said as gently as I could confirming what she all ready new.
What is it?” Mi asked staring at the mixture in the cups like it might grow legs get out and slap her in the face.
“It’s called Ensure. It’s a calorie boosting drink. Because your on the build up menu what ever you don’t eat calorie wise has to be made up with this.” I said softly. This of course was when Mi’s internal war started again and I as usual was powerless to help.
After getting out of the measuring cup I went over to the fridge and opened the door seeing what flavours where residing in there before deciding the best option would be to ask Mi what she liked the best.
“What do you like Mi? Strawberry, chocolate, Asparagus? I turned my nose up at the last one. I couldn’t bereave they actually made an Asparagus one let alone any one of the nurses would of decided to have ordered it.
Mi didn’t answer my question instead she just gave me a shrug and looked confused, she still didn’t have a clue what she was in for yet and I still hadn’t thought of a way to tell her that wouldn’t freak her out.
“I heard that the chocolate is the best.” I said grabbing a bottle of it out of the fridge and going about measuring it out in the containers I had got out before when I got the right amount I poured the gritty brown liquid into the into two plastic cups before taking them over to the pull out table by the doctors bench, that was when the realisation registered upon her face and it hit her hard. I could see the colour draining out of her and wondered if it would get as far as actually drinking the stuff before she was sick again.
“Your going to have to drink that for me.” I said as gently as I could confirming what she all ready new.
What is it?” Mi asked staring at the mixture in the cups like it might grow legs get out and slap her in the face.
“It’s called Ensure. It’s a calorie boosting drink. Because your on the build up menu what ever you don’t eat calorie wise has to be made up with this.” I said softly. This of course was when Mi’s internal war started again and I as usual was powerless to help.
Training day (Emmets side)
Training day
I am sorry this chapter is so long but it would be really cool if you could read it and tell me what you think about it. I mean it could be left out but i thought it added a bit more depth to Emmets side of the story.
Crystal, Audrey, Lauren, Andrea, Alice, Edward, Esmee and my self all filed into a tiny room and sat are self’s down in a semi cercal of chares that had been arranged in a collage class room. Two Woman who had a striking resembalance to tweedle dee and tweedle dum off of Alice and wonderland stood at the front of the class room eyeing us up and down like we where a bunch of teenagers entering a class room and we might at any minute decided to start swinging of the curtains and light fittings like a pack of baboons. I sighed grumpy that I had to do yet more training that nearly never helped us in any situation we encountered at the hospital.
Esmee Squeezed my arm. She hated these thing more then me for completely different reasons. She was scared. In work she was a model of composure and compassion in a class room she was a terrified thirteen year old, another reason why I hated these training days. It hurt her and I couldn’t do anything about it.
Taking the two chairs closest to the door I sat one in and Esmee sat on the end, perched on the end of her chair. Her face was pale and her hands shook on her legs, her breathing was fast and uneven in her throat.
We had been married for four years and she still couldn’t tell me why this scared her so. Her history was dark and some of it was spent as the exact opposite of what she was now in similar units to what we worked in. She was a patient and because of that she was now a fantastic nurse.
“Do you need to leave?” I whispered close to her ear placing my hand on hers. One of the trainers glared at me for doing so like I was a school boy with a crush in a class room for the girl next to me. Not the husband, needless to say I glared back at her and won as she looked away.
“What and let this get to me? Esmee hissed staring at her hands willing them to be as still and as confidante as her face. “I’m not that girl any more” she whispered and focused her attention to the front of the class. I smiled breathed deeply and focused to. That was my wife.
The trainers started with there lecture and there plan for the day by writing Control and restraint and poison control in big letters on the board. The first part was simple. It involved us all hitting are RRA’S (which we had all be instructed to ware) at the same time effectively jamming the signals because every one’s initials would be trying to come through at the same time causing the most hideous sound with them and then trying to throw punches at each others faces while the other tried to restrain them. That in fairness could be amauzing.
After the two trainers gave a demonstration it was their time to do what teachers did beast and picked on the class members to give them a demonstration and in true teacher style they picked the kid that looked the most scared.
“Emmet, Esmee. Would you like to come and try it for the class?”
“Oh god no.” Esmee whispered under her breath trying to pretend that she hadn’t heard her name being said. I helped by glaring at ther teacher who had said it. This time she won.
“Come on guys no one here is going to bite.” The teacher encouraged. I growled at her.
“Fine, Fine.” Esmee said again getting to her feet and heading to the middle of the class room, her face one of perfect composure even though she was breathing nearly three times as fast as normal. I got to my feet and followed standing opposite her. We looked like we where about to go duewling with each other and I had the urge to bow low like something from the karate kid. The whole practise was stupid in my eyes. I had been attacked many times on the unit and never once had I been taken from the front and onyl once had they gone foir the face. For men it seemed the most populer part to go for was the croutch.
“Right Esmee I want you to try and hit Emmet in the face and I want you to respond how we showed you Emmet” The teacher instructed.
“ What? Are you kidding? She is half the size of me I am going to brake her In half If I take her to the floor.” I laughed nervously.
“Emmet there will be 10 year olds on the unit that you will have to do this to and they will be a lot smaller then Esmee here. This is designed not to hurt, she will be fine.”
At that with out warning Esmee flew in the direction of my face and seems I had been doing this in practise for over a year any way instinct kicked in and with out trouble I took Esmee down to the floor. Shit i would of rather of let her hit me.
“Oh dear god I am sorry!” I shouted rolling off of her where she stayed pined to the floor giggling her head off like a little school girl.
“That was fun.” She laughed and so the rest of the class joined in too.
“Good, good. Perfect sneak attack Esmee. Emmet there was two things wrong with you. A, you rolled of her far to quickly and B, where was your RRA? Who is going to know you need help? So again.” I rolled my eyes and Esmee got to her feet still giggling, she seemed to enjoy trying to punch me in the face. Which made me laugh to.
The exercise was repeated but this time I was better prepared and smashed the button on my RRA just before I took Esmee to the Floor. The sound that followed was of course hideous, and sounded like a group of cats fighting so I silenced my alarm with my chin still laved on top of a giggling Esmee.
“Right good all round. Now it’s time to swap.” The teacher announced as I helped Esmee off of the floor, upon her instructions mind you I nearly dropped her again as I swivelled to look at the teacher in the eye. She must be joking right? So why did she look so serious?
“You what me to try and smack her in the face?You realize if I do manage to do so she will have no face left. Again I am twice her size and as you said we will be restraining ten year olds. Have you seen a ten year old look like me before?”
“You will also be restraining 17 year old boys that have gone through puberty and built like brick out house even though they are still classed as children. Esmee will have to face people much bigger then her out there.”
“You make it sound like we are going to war.” Alice laughed from within the corner but sounded nervous.
“Emmet will you just deck me all ready?” Esmee sighed looking up at me from under her eyelashes. I raised my eye brows and she giggled like a school girl again, this softened me up.
“Are you sure?”
“You’re a teddy bare.” she baited in a playfull way smiling.
With that I smiled and launched forward in an attack and hell she was quick. She smashed her alarm (causing the cat chores again) jumped behind me kicked out my legs and had me flat on the floor holding me in a restraint that even I couldn’t wiggle out of.
“Gotcha” She giggled
“Impressive.”
“How about we do this again at home later on?” Esmee whispered in my ear.
“easy tiger,“ I laughed as Esmee rolled off of me and got to her feet and I followed though a lot less graceful the how she did it.
“Well done, well done, Esmee he was not an easy opponent and you had him restrained well. Give them a hand class.”
The rest of the staff on the training responded with a typical class room round of applause which made Esmee blush a beautiful red colour before we took are seats again
“Right now I want you all to get with partners, the bigger the difference in size the better. So Esmee if you could go with Edward, Crystal you go with Emmet…”
“Luck bloody sod, I would like to get my hands on her.” Esmee Whispered in my ear and I had to stuff my hand in my mouth to stop me laughing out loud. It seemed that being in a class room was making us regress to high school kids after all.
“...Audrey you go with Alice and Lauren go with Andrea, we will swap in a minute. I want all you lovely ladies to get a go on Emmet.” At this Esmee shoved her had into her mouth to. “Either my self or Ruth will come round and Asses you and then we will move on to another restraint after that we will brake for lunch and start on poison control.”
The rest of the morning was spent as I predicted and time lunch time come we all had headaches and decided to by paracetamole with a sandwich at Sainsbury’s before getting ready for round two.
Esmee and my self sat on a bench together to eat when Esmee paused with the sandwich half way up to her mouth and swallowed hard before placing it back into her packet.
“You all right Honey?” I asked putting my sandwich down too.
“Not a strong moment Esmee.” She mumbled to her self before picking up her sandwich at this time taking a bite. Chewing and swallowing.
“Do me a favour?” She whispered leaning close into my arm. “talk about a patient.”
“Ok, are you all right honey?” I asked
“If you talk About a patient I know how far I have come and I know what ever is nagging me stopping from eating this is not stronger then me because I am not a patient any more.”
“I didn’t realise you still had thoughts about it. I’m sorry.”
“She isn’t bigger them me Emmet. Now babble before I cave and she wins for the first time in a long time.” Esmee said firmly looking up into my eyes the same fire as she always had when she was passionate burning bright in them. She still battled daemons bigger then I would ever know every day but every day she won.
After a lunch of me going threw nearly the whole case history of both Jessica an 11 year old schizophrenic patient and Reece one of the 17 year old built like a brick out house boys Maggie the trainer had gone on about We headed back to the class room. Esmee had ate her sandwich and drank a bottle of orange juice. I could sense it was a massive achievement though she had brushed it off as nothing.
“What do you suppose poison control is about?” Alice asked from behind us on the way up the stares to the class room on the fourth floor. Making us both jump and nearly topple back down them
“Oh sorry,” Alice mumbled taking the five steps between us at a run so she was level with us.
“Overdose’s I would imagine.” Esmee said “Either because of med mix ups or intentional.”
“Intentional? How? I mean the meds all locked away and the patients considered as risk aren’t aloud out.”
Both Esmee and my self laughed at this. Alice had been a nursing assistant for just three weeks and those three weeks hand been relatively quiet she had so much to learn.
“If a kid is that set on Overdosing Alice they will find a way to do so.” Esmee said sweetly looking over at Alice. Alice looked like she had just been shot in the bum. She would experience that feeling a lot when she was new there.
Entering the room myself and Esmee took are normal positions next to the door and Alice scooted off over the other side of the room. Maggie and Ruth entered a few minuets later taking there positions at the front of the class and before Ruth wrote Poison control in big letters on the white board;
“As you know at the moment the only way that psyc units can deal with an overdose is to get a patient over to the general hospital. Now there is going to be another way. Your unit will now begin carrying these.” Ruth said producing a little white bottle from behind her back. Does any one know what this is?” Ruth asked scanning the room.
Of course we all new. Well at least I did I dished out the stuff when I worked at A&E as a general nurse more time then I dished out cups of tee. The substance was activated charcoal and had been used for years as the first defence of an overdose. The logic behind it was simple. Give it in the first hour after ingestion and it absorbed the toxin.
“Well this stuff is activated charcoal and from now on it is to be administered by you within the first hour of poisoning. Very simple the whole bottle must be drank by the patient. What I am here to teach you is how to get your patient to do that. First off there is a cup on the table each, I encourage you all to taste it. I would also take the cardboard bowl underneath it.”
There was a flurry of people to get there cup including me Esmee was the only one not to move and I saw this on the way back to my seat. She was white and gray and staring into her lap taking big deep breaths. Her hands gripped onto the fabric of her jogging trousers. I discreetly put my cup under the my chair and turned my attnetion to her.
“Esmee honey what is it?” I asked gently placing my had on hers. It was then that one of her tears splashed down to land on my hand. She was crying. “Esmee talk to me.” I said softly trying to keep my own panic under control. She didn't cry often. “Esmee.”
“Em, give us your dish.” Esmee finely said retching into her hand. I reacted fast darting under my chair and grabbing the dish placing the charcoal on the floor and putting the dish in Esmee’s lap. I had learnt how to do this super humanly quick over the years.
Esmee was then sick which caused the rest of the room to stare at her. The her body began to shake before it dawned on me why, this wasn’t the first time Esmee had tasted charcoal she had many, many times before when she was younger. Esmee new what overdoses where like on a personal level she had taken them, she had tried to end her life far to often in this way and she new that the substance it the cups tasted like chalk mixed with sweatners and very gone off milk. With a hint of three day old cold tee. She new it made everything black and it was impossible to drink with out getting it over everything else. She new that the consistencey made it actually impossible to drink because it had the texture of thick cream mixed with sand mixed with coal and she also new when it got to the bottom of the bottle it was so congealed together you practically had to chew it to get it down.
“Get me the hell out of here Emmet.” Esmee moaned. Getting to her feet unsteadily. I then grabbed her around the waist and practically carried her out of the room into the hall way and into the girls loos at the end of the corridor where she detached her self from me and darted into the nearest cubical and fell to her knees on the grimy floor next to the toilet. I walked in behind her and knelt behind her gently scoping her hair up behind her back I didn’t say anything. There was no need to she knew I was there and she new I loved her.
“I am an idiot.” Esmee stated trying to hide her tears as she finished vomating and lifted up her head from the loo and reachedd up to pull the flush.
“No your not.” I said sooftly pulling her body back in to my chest and wrapping my arms around her.
“I am meant to be a nurse. Able to handle this.” She stated firmly even though her voice cracked with trying to hold back the tears and her shoulders shook with the effort of keeping her self together.
“You are the best nurse I know.” I said leaning down and kissing her on the top of her head. “This doesn’t make you a bad nurse. This makes you a passionate nurse. I love you.”
At that her tears came and my heart almost broke too having to hear it.
I am sorry this chapter is so long but it would be really cool if you could read it and tell me what you think about it. I mean it could be left out but i thought it added a bit more depth to Emmets side of the story.
Crystal, Audrey, Lauren, Andrea, Alice, Edward, Esmee and my self all filed into a tiny room and sat are self’s down in a semi cercal of chares that had been arranged in a collage class room. Two Woman who had a striking resembalance to tweedle dee and tweedle dum off of Alice and wonderland stood at the front of the class room eyeing us up and down like we where a bunch of teenagers entering a class room and we might at any minute decided to start swinging of the curtains and light fittings like a pack of baboons. I sighed grumpy that I had to do yet more training that nearly never helped us in any situation we encountered at the hospital.
Esmee Squeezed my arm. She hated these thing more then me for completely different reasons. She was scared. In work she was a model of composure and compassion in a class room she was a terrified thirteen year old, another reason why I hated these training days. It hurt her and I couldn’t do anything about it.
Taking the two chairs closest to the door I sat one in and Esmee sat on the end, perched on the end of her chair. Her face was pale and her hands shook on her legs, her breathing was fast and uneven in her throat.
We had been married for four years and she still couldn’t tell me why this scared her so. Her history was dark and some of it was spent as the exact opposite of what she was now in similar units to what we worked in. She was a patient and because of that she was now a fantastic nurse.
“Do you need to leave?” I whispered close to her ear placing my hand on hers. One of the trainers glared at me for doing so like I was a school boy with a crush in a class room for the girl next to me. Not the husband, needless to say I glared back at her and won as she looked away.
“What and let this get to me? Esmee hissed staring at her hands willing them to be as still and as confidante as her face. “I’m not that girl any more” she whispered and focused her attention to the front of the class. I smiled breathed deeply and focused to. That was my wife.
The trainers started with there lecture and there plan for the day by writing Control and restraint and poison control in big letters on the board. The first part was simple. It involved us all hitting are RRA’S (which we had all be instructed to ware) at the same time effectively jamming the signals because every one’s initials would be trying to come through at the same time causing the most hideous sound with them and then trying to throw punches at each others faces while the other tried to restrain them. That in fairness could be amauzing.
After the two trainers gave a demonstration it was their time to do what teachers did beast and picked on the class members to give them a demonstration and in true teacher style they picked the kid that looked the most scared.
“Emmet, Esmee. Would you like to come and try it for the class?”
“Oh god no.” Esmee whispered under her breath trying to pretend that she hadn’t heard her name being said. I helped by glaring at ther teacher who had said it. This time she won.
“Come on guys no one here is going to bite.” The teacher encouraged. I growled at her.
“Fine, Fine.” Esmee said again getting to her feet and heading to the middle of the class room, her face one of perfect composure even though she was breathing nearly three times as fast as normal. I got to my feet and followed standing opposite her. We looked like we where about to go duewling with each other and I had the urge to bow low like something from the karate kid. The whole practise was stupid in my eyes. I had been attacked many times on the unit and never once had I been taken from the front and onyl once had they gone foir the face. For men it seemed the most populer part to go for was the croutch.
“Right Esmee I want you to try and hit Emmet in the face and I want you to respond how we showed you Emmet” The teacher instructed.
“ What? Are you kidding? She is half the size of me I am going to brake her In half If I take her to the floor.” I laughed nervously.
“Emmet there will be 10 year olds on the unit that you will have to do this to and they will be a lot smaller then Esmee here. This is designed not to hurt, she will be fine.”
At that with out warning Esmee flew in the direction of my face and seems I had been doing this in practise for over a year any way instinct kicked in and with out trouble I took Esmee down to the floor. Shit i would of rather of let her hit me.
“Oh dear god I am sorry!” I shouted rolling off of her where she stayed pined to the floor giggling her head off like a little school girl.
“That was fun.” She laughed and so the rest of the class joined in too.
“Good, good. Perfect sneak attack Esmee. Emmet there was two things wrong with you. A, you rolled of her far to quickly and B, where was your RRA? Who is going to know you need help? So again.” I rolled my eyes and Esmee got to her feet still giggling, she seemed to enjoy trying to punch me in the face. Which made me laugh to.
The exercise was repeated but this time I was better prepared and smashed the button on my RRA just before I took Esmee to the Floor. The sound that followed was of course hideous, and sounded like a group of cats fighting so I silenced my alarm with my chin still laved on top of a giggling Esmee.
“Right good all round. Now it’s time to swap.” The teacher announced as I helped Esmee off of the floor, upon her instructions mind you I nearly dropped her again as I swivelled to look at the teacher in the eye. She must be joking right? So why did she look so serious?
“You what me to try and smack her in the face?You realize if I do manage to do so she will have no face left. Again I am twice her size and as you said we will be restraining ten year olds. Have you seen a ten year old look like me before?”
“You will also be restraining 17 year old boys that have gone through puberty and built like brick out house even though they are still classed as children. Esmee will have to face people much bigger then her out there.”
“You make it sound like we are going to war.” Alice laughed from within the corner but sounded nervous.
“Emmet will you just deck me all ready?” Esmee sighed looking up at me from under her eyelashes. I raised my eye brows and she giggled like a school girl again, this softened me up.
“Are you sure?”
“You’re a teddy bare.” she baited in a playfull way smiling.
With that I smiled and launched forward in an attack and hell she was quick. She smashed her alarm (causing the cat chores again) jumped behind me kicked out my legs and had me flat on the floor holding me in a restraint that even I couldn’t wiggle out of.
“Gotcha” She giggled
“Impressive.”
“How about we do this again at home later on?” Esmee whispered in my ear.
“easy tiger,“ I laughed as Esmee rolled off of me and got to her feet and I followed though a lot less graceful the how she did it.
“Well done, well done, Esmee he was not an easy opponent and you had him restrained well. Give them a hand class.”
The rest of the staff on the training responded with a typical class room round of applause which made Esmee blush a beautiful red colour before we took are seats again
“Right now I want you all to get with partners, the bigger the difference in size the better. So Esmee if you could go with Edward, Crystal you go with Emmet…”
“Luck bloody sod, I would like to get my hands on her.” Esmee Whispered in my ear and I had to stuff my hand in my mouth to stop me laughing out loud. It seemed that being in a class room was making us regress to high school kids after all.
“...Audrey you go with Alice and Lauren go with Andrea, we will swap in a minute. I want all you lovely ladies to get a go on Emmet.” At this Esmee shoved her had into her mouth to. “Either my self or Ruth will come round and Asses you and then we will move on to another restraint after that we will brake for lunch and start on poison control.”
The rest of the morning was spent as I predicted and time lunch time come we all had headaches and decided to by paracetamole with a sandwich at Sainsbury’s before getting ready for round two.
Esmee and my self sat on a bench together to eat when Esmee paused with the sandwich half way up to her mouth and swallowed hard before placing it back into her packet.
“You all right Honey?” I asked putting my sandwich down too.
“Not a strong moment Esmee.” She mumbled to her self before picking up her sandwich at this time taking a bite. Chewing and swallowing.
“Do me a favour?” She whispered leaning close into my arm. “talk about a patient.”
“Ok, are you all right honey?” I asked
“If you talk About a patient I know how far I have come and I know what ever is nagging me stopping from eating this is not stronger then me because I am not a patient any more.”
“I didn’t realise you still had thoughts about it. I’m sorry.”
“She isn’t bigger them me Emmet. Now babble before I cave and she wins for the first time in a long time.” Esmee said firmly looking up into my eyes the same fire as she always had when she was passionate burning bright in them. She still battled daemons bigger then I would ever know every day but every day she won.
After a lunch of me going threw nearly the whole case history of both Jessica an 11 year old schizophrenic patient and Reece one of the 17 year old built like a brick out house boys Maggie the trainer had gone on about We headed back to the class room. Esmee had ate her sandwich and drank a bottle of orange juice. I could sense it was a massive achievement though she had brushed it off as nothing.
“What do you suppose poison control is about?” Alice asked from behind us on the way up the stares to the class room on the fourth floor. Making us both jump and nearly topple back down them
“Oh sorry,” Alice mumbled taking the five steps between us at a run so she was level with us.
“Overdose’s I would imagine.” Esmee said “Either because of med mix ups or intentional.”
“Intentional? How? I mean the meds all locked away and the patients considered as risk aren’t aloud out.”
Both Esmee and my self laughed at this. Alice had been a nursing assistant for just three weeks and those three weeks hand been relatively quiet she had so much to learn.
“If a kid is that set on Overdosing Alice they will find a way to do so.” Esmee said sweetly looking over at Alice. Alice looked like she had just been shot in the bum. She would experience that feeling a lot when she was new there.
Entering the room myself and Esmee took are normal positions next to the door and Alice scooted off over the other side of the room. Maggie and Ruth entered a few minuets later taking there positions at the front of the class and before Ruth wrote Poison control in big letters on the white board;
“As you know at the moment the only way that psyc units can deal with an overdose is to get a patient over to the general hospital. Now there is going to be another way. Your unit will now begin carrying these.” Ruth said producing a little white bottle from behind her back. Does any one know what this is?” Ruth asked scanning the room.
Of course we all new. Well at least I did I dished out the stuff when I worked at A&E as a general nurse more time then I dished out cups of tee. The substance was activated charcoal and had been used for years as the first defence of an overdose. The logic behind it was simple. Give it in the first hour after ingestion and it absorbed the toxin.
“Well this stuff is activated charcoal and from now on it is to be administered by you within the first hour of poisoning. Very simple the whole bottle must be drank by the patient. What I am here to teach you is how to get your patient to do that. First off there is a cup on the table each, I encourage you all to taste it. I would also take the cardboard bowl underneath it.”
There was a flurry of people to get there cup including me Esmee was the only one not to move and I saw this on the way back to my seat. She was white and gray and staring into her lap taking big deep breaths. Her hands gripped onto the fabric of her jogging trousers. I discreetly put my cup under the my chair and turned my attnetion to her.
“Esmee honey what is it?” I asked gently placing my had on hers. It was then that one of her tears splashed down to land on my hand. She was crying. “Esmee talk to me.” I said softly trying to keep my own panic under control. She didn't cry often. “Esmee.”
“Em, give us your dish.” Esmee finely said retching into her hand. I reacted fast darting under my chair and grabbing the dish placing the charcoal on the floor and putting the dish in Esmee’s lap. I had learnt how to do this super humanly quick over the years.
Esmee was then sick which caused the rest of the room to stare at her. The her body began to shake before it dawned on me why, this wasn’t the first time Esmee had tasted charcoal she had many, many times before when she was younger. Esmee new what overdoses where like on a personal level she had taken them, she had tried to end her life far to often in this way and she new that the substance it the cups tasted like chalk mixed with sweatners and very gone off milk. With a hint of three day old cold tee. She new it made everything black and it was impossible to drink with out getting it over everything else. She new that the consistencey made it actually impossible to drink because it had the texture of thick cream mixed with sand mixed with coal and she also new when it got to the bottom of the bottle it was so congealed together you practically had to chew it to get it down.
“Get me the hell out of here Emmet.” Esmee moaned. Getting to her feet unsteadily. I then grabbed her around the waist and practically carried her out of the room into the hall way and into the girls loos at the end of the corridor where she detached her self from me and darted into the nearest cubical and fell to her knees on the grimy floor next to the toilet. I walked in behind her and knelt behind her gently scoping her hair up behind her back I didn’t say anything. There was no need to she knew I was there and she new I loved her.
“I am an idiot.” Esmee stated trying to hide her tears as she finished vomating and lifted up her head from the loo and reachedd up to pull the flush.
“No your not.” I said sooftly pulling her body back in to my chest and wrapping my arms around her.
“I am meant to be a nurse. Able to handle this.” She stated firmly even though her voice cracked with trying to hold back the tears and her shoulders shook with the effort of keeping her self together.
“You are the best nurse I know.” I said leaning down and kissing her on the top of her head. “This doesn’t make you a bad nurse. This makes you a passionate nurse. I love you.”
At that her tears came and my heart almost broke too having to hear it.
The two worse substances known to man (Emmets side)
The two worse substances known to man
Leaving Mi to her self for a minute I went over to the cupboards and started unlocking them with various Keys looking for what I was going to need. She had brought back up all of her meal that she did eat and a good bit of it was left behind which means all calories would have to be made up for it liquid form. Which means she would have to struggle with nearly two whole cups full. Not to mention even the nest flavour tasted like horse pee. There was only one worse substance on earth that I had tried and that was Activate charcoal given in the case of an overdose. I had the joy of encountering this on a training day about a year ago. Where we where all encouraged to try the stuff. I never did but I didn’t need to something else was there to prove to me the power of this stuff.
Leaving Mi to her self for a minute I went over to the cupboards and started unlocking them with various Keys looking for what I was going to need. She had brought back up all of her meal that she did eat and a good bit of it was left behind which means all calories would have to be made up for it liquid form. Which means she would have to struggle with nearly two whole cups full. Not to mention even the nest flavour tasted like horse pee. There was only one worse substance on earth that I had tried and that was Activate charcoal given in the case of an overdose. I had the joy of encountering this on a training day about a year ago. Where we where all encouraged to try the stuff. I never did but I didn’t need to something else was there to prove to me the power of this stuff.
Thursday, 27 January 2011
I hope so (Mi's side)
I hope so
When my eyes fluttered open I was in the recovery position on the floor while Esmee and Emmet worked over me doing the various test they did when I collapsed like an idiot on them. I concluded that it must have been from the prick on my finger that made me come round as Emmet was now looking impatiently at the hand held glucose monitor while he attached a plaster other the little drop of blood on my bleeding finger. Esmee was bent over my out stretched arm with two fingers pressed to my wrist while she was looking at her watch. I guess she was checking my pulse. I half closed my eyes again, I didn’t care and that way I wouldn’t of had to deal with talking to them either because they would still think I was out.
“She skipped breakfast didn’t she.” Emmet said looking at the monitor frustrated with the number that he saw.
“Yep she threw it up over me..” Esmee said Looking at her hands and screwing up her nose in a cute little way that I had never seen her do before. It made it hard for me not to laugh and give the game away.
“I really should wash these.” She added more as a mental note to her self then any one else and Emmet smiled his Esmee smile the one he reserved just for her when she walked in the room or did something he found cute.
“I take it that they aren’t fantastic.” Esmee added scooting over next to Emmet so she could look at the monitor in his hands.” Her face showed the same expression as Emmet’s. I had learned these expressions where not a good sign, ever.
“Do you think she will eat something when she comes around?” Emmet asked Esmee who leant her head up against his shoulder and sighed closing her eyes.
“I hope so, I really hope so.”
When my eyes fluttered open I was in the recovery position on the floor while Esmee and Emmet worked over me doing the various test they did when I collapsed like an idiot on them. I concluded that it must have been from the prick on my finger that made me come round as Emmet was now looking impatiently at the hand held glucose monitor while he attached a plaster other the little drop of blood on my bleeding finger. Esmee was bent over my out stretched arm with two fingers pressed to my wrist while she was looking at her watch. I guess she was checking my pulse. I half closed my eyes again, I didn’t care and that way I wouldn’t of had to deal with talking to them either because they would still think I was out.
“She skipped breakfast didn’t she.” Emmet said looking at the monitor frustrated with the number that he saw.
“Yep she threw it up over me..” Esmee said Looking at her hands and screwing up her nose in a cute little way that I had never seen her do before. It made it hard for me not to laugh and give the game away.
“I really should wash these.” She added more as a mental note to her self then any one else and Emmet smiled his Esmee smile the one he reserved just for her when she walked in the room or did something he found cute.
“I take it that they aren’t fantastic.” Esmee added scooting over next to Emmet so she could look at the monitor in his hands.” Her face showed the same expression as Emmet’s. I had learned these expressions where not a good sign, ever.
“Do you think she will eat something when she comes around?” Emmet asked Esmee who leant her head up against his shoulder and sighed closing her eyes.
“I hope so, I really hope so.”
Thursday, 20 January 2011
Is any one still reading this?
I was just wondering if any one was actualy still reading this? I don't mind if your not i was just wondering?
Sunday, 9 January 2011
Ensure (Emmets side)
Ensure
Mentally giving my self a shake down to try and get the images out of my brain and I snapped on a pair of medical gloves before turning my attention back to Mi. It was hard being me and a nurse sometimes, all to often I had to give up one part of me and now was the time to close the door on Emmet the human or else there was a good chance I was going to need a sick bowl my self.
“You done?” I asked almost all traces of shakenyness removed from my voice. Mi nodded but continued not to look at me Her face was red and her eyes where streaming as she tried to wipe the tears away from her eyes with shaking hands, her breathing was still ragged as well so much so I considered clipping her up to are various monitors and listening to her chest somthing i didn't want to do as it would scare her but was it possible that something as usually as simple as sickness could cause her to have a heart attack. It wasn’t so unheard of with people this underweight.
“Does your chest hurt Mi?” I asked sceptically eying her hand as it come to rest on her chest, but she ignored me her eyes very suddenly glazing other her breathing slowing. Though red and clearly in pain she almost seemed calm like this was the feeling she wanted. She was empty now, she was calmed. Only I new that this was not going to last I had to give her the Ensure.
Mentally giving my self a shake down to try and get the images out of my brain and I snapped on a pair of medical gloves before turning my attention back to Mi. It was hard being me and a nurse sometimes, all to often I had to give up one part of me and now was the time to close the door on Emmet the human or else there was a good chance I was going to need a sick bowl my self.
“You done?” I asked almost all traces of shakenyness removed from my voice. Mi nodded but continued not to look at me Her face was red and her eyes where streaming as she tried to wipe the tears away from her eyes with shaking hands, her breathing was still ragged as well so much so I considered clipping her up to are various monitors and listening to her chest somthing i didn't want to do as it would scare her but was it possible that something as usually as simple as sickness could cause her to have a heart attack. It wasn’t so unheard of with people this underweight.
“Does your chest hurt Mi?” I asked sceptically eying her hand as it come to rest on her chest, but she ignored me her eyes very suddenly glazing other her breathing slowing. Though red and clearly in pain she almost seemed calm like this was the feeling she wanted. She was empty now, she was calmed. Only I new that this was not going to last I had to give her the Ensure.
nothing like the rest of them (Mi's side)
Nothing like the rest of them
“Emmet it’s OK, you haven’t got to save me from everything.” Esmee said and as I peeked through a hole in my defence I saw her slip out around Emmet and stand right in front of him her black eyes staring right up into his. “I love you more then anything silly old bear.” Esmee soothed before standing on the very tips of her toes and planting a kiss on his lips. Emmet melted instantly and that was when his face contorted with his own fear and guilt as he watched my protective barrier of arms and legs.
Esmee searched his face desperately for the cause of his new found pain before practically shouting at him when he didn’t answer.
“What is it? Tell me!” She demanded
“She knows we are here, fully aware of everything I would say, just terrified and alone and I have just made it worse. Look at her position Esmee.” Esmee twirled around on one foot to look at me. “She thought I was going to hit her. I’m no better then the rest of them.” Emmet announced softly before Esmee turned around and slapped him hard on the arm.
“Your nothing like the rest of them.”
Of course she was right and instinctively I new this, somewhere in me something called out saying he would never hurt me so I slowly unwound my self from my body and walked up to him with as much confidence that I could muster and when I was no more then a few steps away from him I found my voice.
“I am sorry.” That was when my body finally gave in and I passed out.
“Emmet it’s OK, you haven’t got to save me from everything.” Esmee said and as I peeked through a hole in my defence I saw her slip out around Emmet and stand right in front of him her black eyes staring right up into his. “I love you more then anything silly old bear.” Esmee soothed before standing on the very tips of her toes and planting a kiss on his lips. Emmet melted instantly and that was when his face contorted with his own fear and guilt as he watched my protective barrier of arms and legs.
Esmee searched his face desperately for the cause of his new found pain before practically shouting at him when he didn’t answer.
“What is it? Tell me!” She demanded
“She knows we are here, fully aware of everything I would say, just terrified and alone and I have just made it worse. Look at her position Esmee.” Esmee twirled around on one foot to look at me. “She thought I was going to hit her. I’m no better then the rest of them.” Emmet announced softly before Esmee turned around and slapped him hard on the arm.
“Your nothing like the rest of them.”
Of course she was right and instinctively I new this, somewhere in me something called out saying he would never hurt me so I slowly unwound my self from my body and walked up to him with as much confidence that I could muster and when I was no more then a few steps away from him I found my voice.
“I am sorry.” That was when my body finally gave in and I passed out.
Saturday, 8 January 2011
Esmee's body guard (Mi's side)
Esmee’s body guard
I lifted my hand from the side of my head and thrusted it in the general direction of Esmee who flinched slightly and scooted backwards at the same time, at exactly the same moment Emmet descended in seconds too, standing in the most protective position in front of his wife any person would ever see. He struggled to keep his face calm and controlled but the corners of his lips curled up almost revealing his teeth and with those teeth he clamped them down on his own lip. He was furious, no, beyond furious. He thought I had tried to hit her and no one was aloud to hurt her. His hands trembled slightly and semi conshously scruntched into fists.
I scooted across to the far side of the room away from him on all fours where I hid my head and stomach behind my arms and legs. I new this position well it was the best one to talk the blows and I thought Emmet was going to hit me any second because no matter how much I tried I could not summons the words to tell him I had just wanted to hold Esmee’s hand
I lifted my hand from the side of my head and thrusted it in the general direction of Esmee who flinched slightly and scooted backwards at the same time, at exactly the same moment Emmet descended in seconds too, standing in the most protective position in front of his wife any person would ever see. He struggled to keep his face calm and controlled but the corners of his lips curled up almost revealing his teeth and with those teeth he clamped them down on his own lip. He was furious, no, beyond furious. He thought I had tried to hit her and no one was aloud to hurt her. His hands trembled slightly and semi conshously scruntched into fists.
I scooted across to the far side of the room away from him on all fours where I hid my head and stomach behind my arms and legs. I new this position well it was the best one to talk the blows and I thought Emmet was going to hit me any second because no matter how much I tried I could not summons the words to tell him I had just wanted to hold Esmee’s hand
Friday, 7 January 2011
the one thing i am sure of (mi's side)
The one thing I am sure of
“hmmm, ummm, uhhh.” I mumbled frustrated at my self pissed off that all the words I was forming in my mind where coming out as nothing more then groans and mumbles and little wines.
I squeezed my fingers deep into the matted fur of mister hop and felt the breath increasing in my chest and getting stuck not to mention the nausea in my stomach. I bit down hard on my lip and with the fingers on my plastered hand I dug my nails into the flesh of my other arm. Now I still couldn’t talk and worse of all I wanted to scream again. Just because I couldn’t do anything else and it felt like I might explode if I didn’t do something.
I more yelped then screamed while pushing my body back and forth franticly rocking while burying my head In between my arms and in my utter frustration I throwed My Hop across the floor growling at the same time before picking up the speed of the rocking and squeaking with every breath that escaped from my chest.
“What can I do Emmet?” Esmee mumbled Walking over to me still on her hunches and I felt her delicate fingers smooth through my hair. “You always no what to do Emmet tell me how to make it better for her.” Esmee demanded despretly.
“You do make it better for her honey.” Emmet said crouching down beside her and putting a long arm around her shoulders. “I think she is still in there somewhere Esmee and I think that’s down to you.”
It was entirely down to her. That I was sure of.
“hmmm, ummm, uhhh.” I mumbled frustrated at my self pissed off that all the words I was forming in my mind where coming out as nothing more then groans and mumbles and little wines.
I squeezed my fingers deep into the matted fur of mister hop and felt the breath increasing in my chest and getting stuck not to mention the nausea in my stomach. I bit down hard on my lip and with the fingers on my plastered hand I dug my nails into the flesh of my other arm. Now I still couldn’t talk and worse of all I wanted to scream again. Just because I couldn’t do anything else and it felt like I might explode if I didn’t do something.
I more yelped then screamed while pushing my body back and forth franticly rocking while burying my head In between my arms and in my utter frustration I throwed My Hop across the floor growling at the same time before picking up the speed of the rocking and squeaking with every breath that escaped from my chest.
“What can I do Emmet?” Esmee mumbled Walking over to me still on her hunches and I felt her delicate fingers smooth through my hair. “You always no what to do Emmet tell me how to make it better for her.” Esmee demanded despretly.
“You do make it better for her honey.” Emmet said crouching down beside her and putting a long arm around her shoulders. “I think she is still in there somewhere Esmee and I think that’s down to you.”
It was entirely down to her. That I was sure of.
Not broken, not yet (Mi's side)
Not broken, not yet
I wanted to talk. I wanted to talk to them more then anything else right then but i couldn't. I had always been happy with my silence before then. I found it easier to contain everything if I didn’t have to monitor what was coming out of my mouth. Even to Emmet and Esmee the two people in the world I held some trust for I still had to watch my mouth with however now was not one of those times. I wanted to speak. I wanted to, no needed to say anything to get them to know I was there. I was Ok That I was not broken, not entirely and i never thought i would say that.
I wanted to talk. I wanted to talk to them more then anything else right then but i couldn't. I had always been happy with my silence before then. I found it easier to contain everything if I didn’t have to monitor what was coming out of my mouth. Even to Emmet and Esmee the two people in the world I held some trust for I still had to watch my mouth with however now was not one of those times. I wanted to speak. I wanted to, no needed to say anything to get them to know I was there. I was Ok That I was not broken, not entirely and i never thought i would say that.
She might not make it (Emmets side)
She might not make it
Mi observed the clinic room with suspicion. By necessity for the equip ment and stuff that was used in it.,this room was the only one in apple gate house that was not disguised as anything other then a hospital and Mi seemed to find this unnerving, until she retched into her hand again that was and the shutters came back up over her eyes.
“There you go.” I said handing Mi one of the cardboard vomit dishes that where found on nearly every surface of a general hospital. Mi retched violently into the bowl taking deep gulping breaths between each one that caused her tee shirt to suck in between the gaps in her ribs. This in turn made me feel kind of sick so I went over to open the window.
“Try and calm your self down Mi. Try and keep it down.” I encouraged after I pulled the window up wide open which was a rare treat when you where in the middle of a heat wave in a hospital where all the other windows opened just a tiny crack at the bottom.
Even with my encouragement the rest of the bit of Mi who was fighting her eating disorder faded and she vomited into the dish that I had given her. Reacting like I always did in this situations I went over perched beside Mi on the doctors bench and pulled her black hair back while trying to ignore the fact I had also managed to pull a fair amount if it out too but failing to hide my grimace any way. It felt like my every move could hurt her in some way.
I watched quietly trying to give as much comfort as possible as Mi retched over and over again her eyes shut tight and her expression one of agony as her body worked to hard to expel the food that It so desperately needed to keep on surviving and at that moment it first dawned on me that Mi might be just to unwell to keep on going That Mi might not survive. That This little Girl of just 15 might die.
Mi observed the clinic room with suspicion. By necessity for the equip ment and stuff that was used in it.,this room was the only one in apple gate house that was not disguised as anything other then a hospital and Mi seemed to find this unnerving, until she retched into her hand again that was and the shutters came back up over her eyes.
“There you go.” I said handing Mi one of the cardboard vomit dishes that where found on nearly every surface of a general hospital. Mi retched violently into the bowl taking deep gulping breaths between each one that caused her tee shirt to suck in between the gaps in her ribs. This in turn made me feel kind of sick so I went over to open the window.
“Try and calm your self down Mi. Try and keep it down.” I encouraged after I pulled the window up wide open which was a rare treat when you where in the middle of a heat wave in a hospital where all the other windows opened just a tiny crack at the bottom.
Even with my encouragement the rest of the bit of Mi who was fighting her eating disorder faded and she vomited into the dish that I had given her. Reacting like I always did in this situations I went over perched beside Mi on the doctors bench and pulled her black hair back while trying to ignore the fact I had also managed to pull a fair amount if it out too but failing to hide my grimace any way. It felt like my every move could hurt her in some way.
I watched quietly trying to give as much comfort as possible as Mi retched over and over again her eyes shut tight and her expression one of agony as her body worked to hard to expel the food that It so desperately needed to keep on surviving and at that moment it first dawned on me that Mi might be just to unwell to keep on going That Mi might not survive. That This little Girl of just 15 might die.
Tuesday, 4 January 2011
Save me twice, What the hell happened. (Mi's side of the story)
Save me twice
It took me a long time to loosen my grip on Esmee and to prise open my tightly closed eyes against the world but when I did I realised somehow they had managed to transfer me from the clinic room to the ECA. Some how they had judged I was worse then usual more of a threat, and I suppose in a way I was. The fact that I cant remember the nauseating face down lift to the clinic room proved that. Had I really now lost my mind? Sophie had never been so real, so alluring, so completely terrifying that I had lost my very presence as a person on planet earth. Sophie had consumed me completely. Esmee somehow had brought me back but still I was scared what if she came back? What if she couldn’t save me twice.
What the hell happened
About five minutes Emmet Swiped his card hey in the ECA door and slipped walked in carrying my pyjamas and Mr hop. I scooted a little bit further away from Esmee as he watched me with interest so only the tips of my fingertips stayed in contact with hers. I was still not brave enough to let go completely. Still not convinced that she was they only thing that was stopping me going crazy.
“How is she?” Emmet asked Esmee setting my belongings down in the corner of the room. “Is she responsive yet? She looks a little better?”
“She hasn’t spook since she has been in the clinic room but she isn’t screaming any more and she is slowly letting go of me now. What ever was frightening her has seemed to have gone now. I haven’t tried to get her to talk to me yet so I am not sure she can or want’s to here us. Have you managed to get hold of doctor Jordan?”
“He is just finishing up at the general hospital but he will come over as soon as he can. He told me to keep her contained in the ECA and keep her at an arms length observation with at least two people in the room with her until he gets back. He isn't sure what happened and needs us to be extra carefule"
“I don’t think that will be all that heard. She hasn’t let go of me yet look her fingers are still touching mine now I’m no sure what she will do if I pull away.”
“Is she hurting you?” Emmet’s voice suddenly went from work mode to frantic full of concern for his wife and her safety.
“Of course she isn’t. I don’t think she has tried to hurt me. She landed a few swips when i was carrying her up here but they wearnt directed at me."
“Then let her stay close for now.” Emmet said the relief in his voice evident.
“I am worried about her Emmet,” Esmee said looping her fingers through mine and sighing. “It looked like she some kind of psychotic brake.”
“I know my love it was scary and I am worried about her to. She has come to far to lose her self now.” Emmet sighed crouching down and picking up Mr Hop into one of his giant hands before coming over and placing it into my lap
“I know we aren’t meant to let her have it but if it makes her feel any safer right now I just don’t care.” Esmee nodded glumly and squeezed my hand a little tighter.
Oh good god what the Hell had I done? Was it really possable i had actually lost my mind?
It took me a long time to loosen my grip on Esmee and to prise open my tightly closed eyes against the world but when I did I realised somehow they had managed to transfer me from the clinic room to the ECA. Some how they had judged I was worse then usual more of a threat, and I suppose in a way I was. The fact that I cant remember the nauseating face down lift to the clinic room proved that. Had I really now lost my mind? Sophie had never been so real, so alluring, so completely terrifying that I had lost my very presence as a person on planet earth. Sophie had consumed me completely. Esmee somehow had brought me back but still I was scared what if she came back? What if she couldn’t save me twice.
What the hell happened
About five minutes Emmet Swiped his card hey in the ECA door and slipped walked in carrying my pyjamas and Mr hop. I scooted a little bit further away from Esmee as he watched me with interest so only the tips of my fingertips stayed in contact with hers. I was still not brave enough to let go completely. Still not convinced that she was they only thing that was stopping me going crazy.
“How is she?” Emmet asked Esmee setting my belongings down in the corner of the room. “Is she responsive yet? She looks a little better?”
“She hasn’t spook since she has been in the clinic room but she isn’t screaming any more and she is slowly letting go of me now. What ever was frightening her has seemed to have gone now. I haven’t tried to get her to talk to me yet so I am not sure she can or want’s to here us. Have you managed to get hold of doctor Jordan?”
“He is just finishing up at the general hospital but he will come over as soon as he can. He told me to keep her contained in the ECA and keep her at an arms length observation with at least two people in the room with her until he gets back. He isn't sure what happened and needs us to be extra carefule"
“I don’t think that will be all that heard. She hasn’t let go of me yet look her fingers are still touching mine now I’m no sure what she will do if I pull away.”
“Is she hurting you?” Emmet’s voice suddenly went from work mode to frantic full of concern for his wife and her safety.
“Of course she isn’t. I don’t think she has tried to hurt me. She landed a few swips when i was carrying her up here but they wearnt directed at me."
“Then let her stay close for now.” Emmet said the relief in his voice evident.
“I am worried about her Emmet,” Esmee said looping her fingers through mine and sighing. “It looked like she some kind of psychotic brake.”
“I know my love it was scary and I am worried about her to. She has come to far to lose her self now.” Emmet sighed crouching down and picking up Mr Hop into one of his giant hands before coming over and placing it into my lap
“I know we aren’t meant to let her have it but if it makes her feel any safer right now I just don’t care.” Esmee nodded glumly and squeezed my hand a little tighter.
Oh good god what the Hell had I done? Was it really possable i had actually lost my mind?
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