the last blade

The last blade

The rest of my breath left me in a rush, my whole body reacting to the loss of my biggest secret. My arms and legs scrambled as what I said registered fully in my brain and they reacted braking out of the peaceful position I had been in lied against Esmee’s chest. I couldn’t breathe or see as I realised what I had done. Everything was falling.

“ Hay, it’s OK, It’s OK. I’m still here. I’m not going anywhere.” I tried to focus on her face even though my eyes refused to. I knew if there was one thing in the world that had a chance of calming the storm before it happened it would be her. If I could get myself to really look into her ebony eyes I could see what I had done for what it was rather then what it felt like but the monsters wanted me to lash out. My bones wanted to crumble against the walls.

I reacted on instinct rather than the knowledge of what would happen if I allowed emotions to let go and I got to my feet. It was stupid what I was going to do, my head screamed that I had to stop but I reacted on the drive that instantly wanted to see the blood that meant I was so brutally alive and dived into my cupboard. It was my last secret, my last plan, my last escape, the last blade.

I cut my arm five times with force through the sleeves of my top before Esmee had any idea what I was doing and I had no idea how I was going to stop again. It had been weeks. I had no many how many exactly but the elation was instant. I remembered it, all of it. The glorious rush of pure untainted relief that it offered flowed like molten gold through my veins and my chest expanded with air that I was convinced would never come.

I cut again with a chirp as I watched the blood rise from the jagged cuts and spill down my arms and over my fingers onto the floor before Esmee moved in a flash and came to a stop just in my field of vision the look of horror on her face. I wanted to stop for her but I never wanted to stop again. The blade pulsed so demanding in my hand but her face haunted my vision.

“Mi stop, that’s enough. You have done enough.” Esmee stated firmly her voice trying not to quiver as she stood in front of me and held out her hand. “Give it to me. Give me the blade.” To refuse her was impossible but to give up the last blade I was ever going to get my hands on was as insane to my messed up head. I wanted to hand it over to her. I wanted nothing more than to ease the look of horror that was etched onto her face. I growled in my frustration as I felt the warm sticky blood fall in little streams from my fingertips and onto the dark blue carpet that was underneath but the blade pulsed so angrily in my hands because I wasn’t using it. It was my last chance to cut. It was my last chance to ever feel the kind of strange clam it gave to me. It was my last chance to be able to breath like I had when the blade sliced through the flesh and whatever her face said, not matter how much her voice silently pleaded with me to give her the weapon and no matter how much I didn’t want to let her down I wanted to cut more. I couldn’t stand a life where I couldn’t feel the sharpness of steal under my skin.

“I’m so sorry,” I moaned as I lifted the blade up in my hand and pressed the edge with force through one of the rips in my sleeve so I could take delight in the skin pulling apart.

“So am I,” Esmee moaned before I knew what she was doing and she set off her RRA before stepping forward to me and swiping my feet out for underneath myself at the same time as twisting my hand back so the precious metal fell from my hand and landed on the floor. Everything ended.

My hardest secret.

 

My hardest secret.

“You do?” Esmee asked her eyebrows raising slightly in suspicion. Her lips curling in at the ends as she looked deep into my face. It’s where everything ended in the look between us, she was expecting me to tell. To let her know where everyone’s get out of jail card was kept then she could take it away like it didn’t matter.  It mattered though more than anything in the world. It was like that first blade that I had hidden in my bra when I entered the unit. I had pinned everything on it.  The canter of my universe had been placed in its cold sharp edge and it was the same now. It wouldn’t have even been something I would have considered telling Esmee if I hadn’t none what I knew now but when other people where hurting themselves when the blades called to them like it did to me it felt like I had to tell Esmee. They were cruel and vile but oh so necessary and I was oh so stuck.

“I can’t tell you.” I sighed letting out a breath at the same time things where always so complicated and I had just made it ten times worse.

“You realise that puts me in a bit of a hard situation.”

“Then you are in exactly the same situation as me then,” I snapped before softening before I managed to get the words out. It wasn’t her fault that things where so impossible. She just wanted the best for me and the rest of the unit and I could give that to her if the words didn’t keep getting stuck in my mouth. “I’m sorry.”

“I never said that it was easy Mi but once again we are in one of those situations where I can’t relly help you. You have a choice to make and it is yours alone. You can do the right thing or the wrong one.” She made it seem so simple. Like there wasn’t a million monsters stopping the words that eroded somewhere inside my belly. If it wasn’t Esmee I would have been annoyed at how simple she seemed to make it. If I didn’t know that her arms where stitched up because her emotion had 0verflowed to a knife I would have shut up in defiance. I needed the promise of those blades more then I needed the air that was in the room.

“How dare you try and make it so simple. Mix it up in your head and put yourself in my shoes. What’s it like to be able to have whatever you may need so easy to get at. I have to fight a bit harder then you to get the tools that I need to breathe.”  Esmee winced as my words hit her somewhere just under her ribs leaving her breathless. I had touched something inside her I almost wished I had left untouched. Esmee felt better when she was trying to be superman and I had little or no pleasure in being her kryptonite. Mentioning her stitches had left her more vulnerable then she should have been.

“Look I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…”

“No…. It’s OK Mi, I want to understand and you have put it into a situation where I can. You are very brave to be talking to me about this at all, I’m not sure that I would be that strong.” I shook my head from the praise. I didn’t deserve it. I wasn’t brave in the slightest. I wasn’t giving up the blades to the staff. If it was just me I would have been keeping them safe. If it was just me I would have kept the secret so close to my chest but someone else had so cruelly been brought into my situation.

I felt tears bite at my eyes as I tried to think about how unfair it was. Esmee didn’t miss them and reacted by putting her arm around my shoulders

“Take it slowly, I have time for you and there is no need to rush with what you are trying to tell me. It is the right thing that you are doing even if it is excruciatingly hard. It’s so positive.”

“It’s not for me Esmee. I want to keep it to myself and I would if it was my secret not to share but I’m not sure if I am going to be able to get the sight of her cut legs out of me head. To know where she got her weapon. To know that I might have been able to stop it. To know I might be able to stop it happening again and what if someone else works it out. I could stop it but at the same time it’s like cutting off my own air supply. I. Need. To. Cut.”

I know that feeling and you know and I know that if you tell me where Hev found her blade and where you can find blades I’m going to move them. It’s my job. I wouldn’t take it lightly though. You are one of the bravest people that I know honey no matter what your motives are for trying to tell me this.”

“I wish I didn’t know. I wish that I could just stay here forever,” I whispered resting my head onto her chest trying to find some comfort from her touch. “He keeps them on his desk…” I mumbled not sure how the words found a way to be spoken. “Doctor Jordan has a pot of pencil sharpeners on his desk…”