Keep me safe
I tried to
concentrate on my breathing for a few seconds before I spoke again. Vomit
fluttered in a ball inside me but it seemed to be contented to stay down for
now.
“Here you go
sweet,” Emmet said holding a damp towel to my forehead. “You look a bit
hot my dear. Do you also want to rinse you mouth out with some water try and
get rid of the taste.”
I got unsteadily to my feet with the help of Emmet and went
over to the sink before scooping water up with my hands into my mouth. I also
enjoyed the spray hitting me in the face I could have stayed there for hours
but I pulled myself away and turned the taps off.
“Why don’t you go back out and sit with Esmee for a bit and
I will get rid of this.” He said referring to the bucket of sick. “She will
look after you.”
I left the room again still in a particle daze. I am not
sure what had happened where the anger in my veins had retreated to. It just
niggled now. I could have cut. Maybe I still even wanted to in a part of me, it
would have still been easy. It would have still be a release. I no longer
needed to though. There was a tiny part that was surviving without blades,
blood and bandages. I was also, very suddenly, very tiered like I could have
slept for days, however I knew what awaited me when I wondered back up those
stares. They would be waiting and they would probably destroy me.
“How are you feeling now Honey?” Esmee asked signalling for
me to sit down next to her on the bed. “I am going to be very nursey and ask
you on a scale of one to ten.”
“And I am going to be very annoying and not answer,” I
smiled “I’m Ok. I feel better. Just tiered as I bet you are.”
“I am too scared,” I admitted. “I don’t think I am strong
enough right now to face what is waiting for me. I never have been able to give
up a blade and they are up there waiting on my bed.”
“I can get rid of them for you sweet. All you have to do is
say that’s ok.”
“How about you and I go up to your room together. The blades
will still be there yes and you could still use them however you would have to
cut in front of me.”
I wanted to cry again there was no answer that I liked the
sound of. There was part of me, a desperate part that wanted the control to be
removed. I wanted someone to march up to my bedroom remove the blades and tell
me that I would not be cutting myself.
Maybe that as what I still needed. If I was in the walls of Apple gate
that is what they would have been doing. It was hard to see them past the front
of nurse. I loved them like family but perhaps I still needed a nurse.
“Please don’t let me use them Esmee” I whined before putting
my face in my hands “Please keep me safe.”
