(Esmee) another member of the family

another member of the family

Esmee

“You look as pale and anxious as she does.” My mother laughed taking a second custard cream off of the table and putting it in to her mouth 80 calories. I did not let myself count the calories that she had just put into her body or the amount that I was putting into mine from the apple I was munching through. After all we all needed to eat and the extra weight that was being packed on around my body was because I was carrying a baby, my small little baby that was now just a few days off of being 12 weeks and safer from all the horrors that lied out there for it. I hated loved my body now It was back to a size 12 and my bump was getting harder to hide unless I wore baggier tops. I always didn’t think about food all that much now and what I ate was because I had too wanted to. My tiny blip with my eating disorder was over, now I was pregnant everything was OK.

“This is a big deal for her.” I confirmed reaching out and helping myself to a custard cream as well after eating my apple. “It makes me anxious. I know she will love her room and everything but she is still fragile and I so want her here for Christmas. We have to keep her calm. I have to look after her.”

“Whatever will happen will happen Esmee and I am sure she is stronger than you think. She reminds me of you in so many ways. She looks a bit like you. Though I’m not sure why she is so tall.”

“Well I can explain that, I’m short and she looks nothing like me mum that’s just you wanting ot adopt her into the family.”

“I intend to do just that Esmee. I always wanted a big family and you have given it to me.” She smiled cramming the rest of her biscuit into her mouth.

“I should go and cheek on her, she has been up there a while.” I said looking at my watch.

“Nope I’ll go and see what she’s doing.” I was about to argue again about Mi liking certain people but new I would lose as my mother was already out of the door and halfway up the first flight of stares.

My war

My war

Watery pain broke through every paper wall I had been putting up around me since the car and took me from each side bashing me into the rock face and I cried. Noise wailed out from my very soul and scrapped at the surface of me making my heart crumbling into dust all over again. It was insane all of this happening was crazy and Emmet and Esmee did it like it was my right to be there and I didn’t I had hurt her, I had lived a life in walls of faded greys and stupid NHS colours and they had given me a purple dream world. I had given them blood and puke and suicide attempts and even though I was better than I was I had more to come. I still couldn’t see myself properly when I looked into the mirror I still heard the voices and I still cut into my skin with razors and had planned to do more and more. I was not a princess made for rose furniture. I was more cheap plastic.

Unable to stand anymore from the weight that pushed down upon me I crumpled down to the floor, my knees hitting the deck hard. I felt sick and I was dizzy and the purple whirled around me with the water from my eyes, everything hurt and my limbs ached more along with my stomach as my tube pulled against my jeans as I scrunched myself up as far as I could go. I was stupid/fat/ugly/stupid/bad/nasty, I was good/nice/friendly/hopeful/better/stronger and I deserved some good things, I deserved nothing.

“Stop!” I screamed at the whirling scenery around me as I grabbed at my limbs to pull them closer to my body so the war inside me would brake me apart but nothing helped, there was no one there to save me and even if they were there was a good chance they wouldn’t be able to talk me down. I needed something to centre myself. So with my last ounce of sanity and energy I pulled myself across the room and into the en suite bathroom where I through myself over the toilet and jammed my fingers down my throat, Making me stupid/fat/ugly/stupid/bad/nasty for sure.

All that which i will never deserv

All that which I will never deserve

Right Mi.” Esmee smiled after she had showed me around the rest of the first floor which included their yellow bedroom with four poster bed, Mi’s nursery that was light pink with white tatty bear nursery equipment including a cot wardrobe and changing table. The cot was designed with pink quilts and bumpers with soft hanging wall art on the light pink walls. It was simply stunning for her and she was spoilt with toys and cuddly toys just as she should be that were packed into white storage cabinets and plastic boxes. The final room was a small box room that was being used as an office.

“You should go upstairs and see your new room I think. I will go down stairs and put the kettle on; I brought your morning snack with me. Do you think you will be able to eat it here?” My stomach flipped. My heart pounding inside my chest again, food had become easier but it still hindered me at times and Esmee and Emmets was not a safe place. “Emmet and I will have something too and mum if you need her too, I’m sure that Mia won’t turn her nose up at a few biscuits either, Esmee smiled.”

“I’ll try.” I gulped brushing my fingers against the varnished banister that I was standing beside.

“Of course you will, now go on then go up there and have a look around. When you’re done we will be downstairs in the kitchen waiting for you.

“What you’re not showing me up there?”

“No you can do it, it’s your room Mi, and it’s your house now you have to start somewhere. You think you can manage this. All you have to do it shout loudly if it gets too much honey. You will be surprised how quickly I can get up those stares.”

“Ok, I’ll go up and take a look,” I smiled gently before turning around and heading up the stairs while Esmee headed back downwards.

My stomach tripped ad stumbled as I headed up the stairs along with my feet. I still felt sick. In reality I didn’t care what the room looked like; I just hoped it wasn’t too good. To be in there house to be destined to be a part of their family was much more then I deserved already I should have died in the gutter. I should have been abused and rapped and then killed my self. That was where I was heading and not here. Emmet and Esmee had saved me. They came into my life like angels and rescued me from the devil and they acted like they were privileged to do it.

Taking a deep breath I rounded the last bend on the stairs and turned right into what must have been my new room. It was paradise. A light shade of purple slid over the clean walls with dark purple swirls stencilled onto the top of it. Brand new light beach wood furniture stood proudly against the walls in pride of place. This wasn’t mentioning the brand new beach wood double bed that sat in the middle of it all just asking to be lied on. Flower petals that looked almost alive where carved into the wood of the bed and dark purple floral bedding draped silkily over the edges.  On the walls pictures of puppies and kittens were hung up in mirrored frames and the name Mi was written over the bed in trendy cloth letters. In one corner a luxury rocking chair waited to be sat in and ion the other a massive book case that already contained several books stood proudly in place next to a giant purple bean bag.

In short it was a princess’s room. It was the glass slipper fitting onto a foot and the taming of a beast stuck in a castle. It was happily ever after, the trouble was I was one of the ugly sisters and I did not deserve it.

Inised the bear cave

Inside the bear cave

I had wanted to remember every detail of Esmee and Emmets house to the exact measurements but as Every new room was revealed to me the previous one was reduced to mere smoky colours floating somewhere in the back of my memory. All I could concentrate on was the thudding of my heart and trying to stay still long enough so I could look around the given room and not throw up on any of the luxury carpets that scattered the floors in different colours. the ground floor had three rooms that included a light blue living room with white furniture, a white bathroom with a mirrored walls and chrome fittings and a glorious walk I n shower and the large modern kitchen that was black and white with big wall paper consisting for big poppy’s to perfectly match the red appliances that shined and sparkled. Through a door in the kitchen was a utility room and through that was a huge back garden. Esmee had told me that in the summer it was something to look at when all the flowers that lines the flower beds were in bloom and the Apple tree had green leaves and enough apples to make homemade pies but winter had stripped it of every colour it had apart from a wet grey that once again reappeared after we entered the hose cast upon it. Inside though everything was tidy and everything had its place apart from Mia’s stuff that popped up on the surfaces or that was piled on the floor of the living room were liz had obviously been playing with her before we arrived.

“ At the top of the stares of your right is the room for our foster children that we get that aren’t teenagers.” Esmee said beaming we walked up the first flight of stairs towards to the landing on the first floor. “It’s nothing much,” She added as we reached the top of the stairs and opened the door leading into a small room that was painted bright orange with safari park stickers littering the walls. Up the left had side was a single bed with an animal head board and down the other was a pine chest of draws a wardrobe. On the back wall was a storage cabinet that I could see was full of toys that looked mainly for a little boy of about six. It was perfect for any child. It was warm and cosy and it was safe something all children deserved. Something I never had like most of the other children that arrived to Esmee and Emmets, lost cold beaten and confused.

“We know it’s small.” Esmee said smiling as I reached out and brushed my fingertips over one of the animals on the walls as the tears welled somewhere in the backs of my eyes. They were making a difference changing the world. “The children seem to enjoy the animals though and if they are here for a long time we can change the wall stickers and things for princesses or something and we haven’t had any complaints yet. Your room of course is bigger and it has your own bathroom, much nicer than this.”

That seemed impassable I would have loved to have curled up at the end of the mattress and gone to sleep right then and never looked back. There was no way my room could be any nicer than that of course though I was wrong. My room was set in heaven.

Liz monster

Liz Monster

“Well Mi what do you think of your new home? Esmee asked coming closer to me and putting her hand on my shoulder so she could observe the house together their home where they went every night were there family was and were I was meant to fit in. my bedroom lied just behind the window on the third floor.

“Hay here you are. I was wondering when you would be getting back!” A voice suddenly shouted from the front door and a shot slightly overweight lady of what must have been about 168lbs burst out into the street wearing a bright yellow tee-shirt and light blue jeans while carrying Mia on the side of her hip and smiling while looking me up and down suitably with her eyes. “The names Liz, I’m mum and grand mum and any other mum you can think of. It’s so good to finally meet you. Esmee’s been telling me so much about her baby sister.” Liz said wrapping one arm around me in a one handed hug exactly like Esmee would do and her sent was the same. Apparently thy both had a love for strawberry shampoo.

“Doggy!” Mia shouted from her nans arms leaning over from her nans arms to be passed over to me. Liz gladly handed her over

“Looks like your niece has taken quite a shine to you as well. We are all looking forward to having you stay with us Mi, and Christmas will be a blast more the merrier when it comes to Christmas time.  Anyway enough of me gas bagging let’s get you inside so you can take a look around.” Liz shouted excitedly placing a heavy hand onto my back and directing me towards the front door that was still open already revealing the modern floral textured coffee coloured wall paper that hung from the walls and the lament flooring.

“Mum! Calm down all ready. I get your excited to see Mi but your freaking her out!” Esmee laughed intervening and talking me hold by the arm. I wanted to hug her and hide behind her back like a frightened child. I wanted some safety and even though Liz was lovely she was not familiar and I didn’t want to be taken anywhere away from Emmet and Esmee. It took me long enough to get to know them.

“How are you feeling?” Esmee asked taking her daughter off of me much to Mia’s protest and handing her to Emmet before placing her arm around my shoulder and pulling me in close to her side. I curled my fingers around the side of her jeans glad that she was beside me. Without her I would have runaway screaming by now, without her I would have never have got to this point. She had saved my life so many times.

“Sick,” I mumbled pressing my hand to my belly and gulping hard. I didn’t want to throw up into Esmee’s flower bed.

“Well come on then best show you the bathroom first.” Esmee smiled.

14 Neway close

14 Newway close 

Emmet sat up close to me in the car for the rest of the short journey with his arm wrapped around my shoulder and a stream of reassurance falling out of his mouth like soothing waves lapping at the edge of jagged rocks slowly levelling them out.

 It appeared that I had my mini freak out no more than five minutes away from Neway close were Esmee and Emmet’s house was, as expected every house in the Cal de sac was perfect. Every house was semi-detached with a double garage and a lush green front lawn that was pruned to perfection. Miniature wishing wells and pounds littered some of the gardens while other had children’s toys scattered about all of which stood proudly in front of the white rendered house with dark wood detailing. They were perfect and pictures without them seeming completely intimidating family homes. Proper family homes for head nurses and the likes.    

“Well this is us,” Esmee said pulling into the driveway of what I immediacy clocked as the nicest house. There was something different about it the lawn the edges not so pruned as the others and fun gnomes hid in flower beds there wishing well was bright pink, flowers snaked up trellises on the wall sand watered played against the side of a fountain. It was amazing and pretty. It was alive and growing though not perfect. It was just like me.   

Looking after family

“All right Mi try and stay nice and calm for us and I will pull over when I can Ok.” Esmee said gently scanning around for car parking spaces as she noticed my panic from behind her. “It’s all right Mi you’re just having a panic attack just calm yourself down.” I didn’t want to calm down. I wanted to open the door and roll out onto the streets and away from everything. I burst into tears scratching my fingernails into the skin underneath my jeans as I bounced up and down the nausea pushing up towards my gag reflex were I would have no option but to throw it up.

“Stop the car Esmee you got no one behind you and I can go back and help calm her.” Emmet said as he bended his arm back between the two seats and rested it on the top of my knee.  

“It’s all right there’s a parking space there, I will pull in.”

As soon as the car stooped vomit rose in the back of my mouth and I flung open the car door puking into the gutter just before Emmet come around and crawled in beside me from the other side rubbing big circles into my back as I continued to puke my guts up into the gutter my whole body shaking as I heaved.

“It’s going to be OK. It’s all going to be OK. You’re just a bit nervous; it’s all a natural response. You’re OK.”  Emmet soothed his voice solid and calm against all the panic that was inside of me. “You’re not staying with us tonight Mi.  It’s just to have a look around and see what goes on inside out house. There’s no need to be scared, you control the time and what we do. It is all in your control. We stay when we want to and we leave back for the unit when we want to.” Emmet continued his voice a continuing stream of reassurance that slivered over my body and into my veins turning my sold blood to a gently flowing red, making the snakes that slivered around inside my stomach turn to the gentle wings of butterfly’s. My future belonged with him. To lose him forever would kill me. This was my real life. My solid life I was going to live with Emmet where he could make my running world stand still for a bit and that was OK. It had to be.

“You will destroy them. You will destroy the, this loving family and you will destroy them completely.” I winced at the voice in the back of my head the one trying to make the panic rise like deep purple whirling around the surface. she wanted me to feel bad

“Stay with me Emmet, please stay with me.” I asked as I leant my body back inside the door and rested my head back up against the headrest of the car seats.

“Of course I will, it’s bound to be scary Mi, but we are all looking out for your best interests here Mi.” Emmet smoothed my sticky hair off of my sweaty face and gently whipped the corners of my mouth of with a tissue from his pocket.

“You’re too kind to me.” I moaned

“Your part of my family Mi, I look after my family.”

Getting to a new life can be tricky

Getting to a new life can be tricky

Esmee’s care air freshener was overpowering and stuffy as I crawled into the back of her Jazz and did my seatbelt up at about ten past ten the next morning. Esmee was excited and Jumpy. Emmet seemed to be almost proud as he overlooked me that morning somehow getting my breakfast down me. I just felt sick somewhere in the pit of me and prayed that the nausea would stay there and not rise unexpectedly when we were driving. There was no way I wanted to throw up in the back of Esmee’s car.

“This really is nothing to worry about.” Esmee said from the front seat in her bouncy voice her eyes glancing into her review mirror as the back of her head bumped up and down in front of me as she maneuverered her car over the uneven floor of apple gate houses car park. “You look as white as a ghost. You’re just going to be having a look around the house and your new room really. You must treat it as your home.” Her words made the nausea roll more in the insides of my tummy. She meant every word. She thought that it was going to be easy. That I was just going to magically fit in there like it was where I was meant to be. I wanted to cry. I was going to disappoint her. I always did. I couldn’t be perfect for her or anyone else.

I stared out the window and watched as we drove past places that I knew and shops that I had been in including the little pharmacy at the end of a road of shops a few streets away from where my mother now lived alone in her council flat drinking away her life and sleeping with strange men. That pharmacy used to be my place where I got all my tools. Razor blades and tablets all of which I looked for hope in. Now I was meant to be going to look for hope in a different place, somewhere where people loved me.

People moved so fast in and out of the places that they were going, different colour coats going about their lives, buying all the things they needed to go on. Christmas shoppers looking for presents and kids in prams bouncing up and down so quickly it made my head hurt, none of them new me or each other. None of them cared. All alone in streets full of people the whole world went by. None of them knew this would be one of the biggest days of my life. My tummy whirled harder and tears stung my eyes. I wanted to run away and get lost amongst them I couldn’t take it. I knew I should have been happy but I felt sick and I was aching and in pain. A yelp escaped from my lips as the tears tried to take over and Esmee turned out of the busy main road and down two quite residential looking streets.

“What’s the matter my love?” Esmee asked glancing once again into her mirror so she could see me “We are almost there now.” I yelped again the panic rising with the nausea inside of me as my skin began to crawl and itch. Blood solidifying inside of me, I bounced my legs up and down against the floor of the car and allowed my body to rock ever so slightly. Suddenly I wasn’t just worried. I was terrified and panicked and completely crazy and I wasn’t even there yet.

That night i couldn't sleep

*IMPORTANT*

there is a chapter previous to this one that i have just inserted called changing the endings it's from Esmee's side! Please go back and read it if you haven't. thanks vikki

That night I couldn’t sleep

Mi

I had never really slept well since I was a little girl. At night the monsters came out to play whether they were inside my head or the shadows of my step father but in the past month at apple gate house things had changed and for the first time in a long time the nightmares stayed somewhere out of sight and my stepfathers shadow was far away allowing me to find how healing sleep was. However that night I didn’t sleep.

 The next day I would be embracing my future. At ten am I would be strapped into the back of either Esmee or Emmet’s car and they would be taking me to see my future. They said I belonged there and Esmee told me stories of all we would achieve together but I know she had the romantic image in her head. It was going to be a lovely house and my new room sounded something from a fairy tale but I was not a bear, I wasn’t even close. I was Mi and I was more likely to tear them apart then fill in any missing spaces. I was going to ruin their lives because she was expecting Disney princess and I was nothing more than one of the ugly sisters. I wanted to believe in her fairy tale. That I could get out of the unit and live happily with my sister and her husband but I wasn’t stupid, It couldn’t happen to me.

That night I couldn’t sleep. I was about to destroy someone life.

Changing the endings

Changing the endings

Esmee

My husband through the TV down the stairs, he just stood there like it would bear no consequence on our life’s he was to get caught and hammer throw the TV down the stairs after giving some Award  acceptance speech. Not only had my husband done this he had stood at work and talked in flaunt sign language to someone when I didn’t even have a clue he knew the first thing about the language. He accused me of hiding secrets yet I didn’t know the first thing about his past really. I knew Emmet was a child of the system. He was a success story of the system. His mother adored him but she had died from cancer that was only caught at stage four. She thought for her life and for her boy but her chance of survival was just 10%. In fairy tales adoring mothers like this would get better but Emmets didn’t and from the age of eight he was bounced around the fostering system. He like Booby our foster son was left with nothing and he said he didn’t care but there was something bigger there somewhere hidden. In a Ten year relationship we still had secrets.

“So… you go a reason why you went all crazy man on me and through the TV down the stairs Emmet!” I shouted after our shift was over that night and we were both in the car staring into the night while I slammed the heating on full in my car.

“Esmee don’t.” Emmet said in a deathly tone his face set to tired and drawn as he looked out of  the window trying to look past the opaque hedge that was in front of the car and then into his hands. His face made my anger fade away; he was hurting more than I had thought.

“You can talk to me, you know that. I didn’t meant to shout but it was a shook you throwing the TV down that stairs and all, your normally a little bit more level headed then that.” I smiled, leaning over and placing a hand on his shoulder which made hi crumple and shake quiet tears taking him. “Emmet talk to me, Please talk to me. Why are you so upset? You have gone through so much in work before and it has never affected you like this.”

“I had a brother. I know I should have told you and I didn’t but please don’t shout at me Esmee please don’t, I know I have done wrong and I just can’t deal with it.” I couldn’t have been angry even if I tried when he looked like that. He could have told me he had slept with another woman and all I could fell would be my hollow aching for him and his turmoil. I hated Emmet sad. He was not naturally a sad person whit his cup always completely full to the top even If a situation was hopeless. I loved his smile and hated his tears.

“I’m not angry Emmet.” I whispered, trying to scoot closer to him. “Just tell me what’s making you so sad. What is wrong with your brother?” I encouraged him on.

“He died. Suicide, he was just a teenage; a deaf teenager who felt stuck in a silent world that he didn’t belong in. They kept us together in foster care and I told my mother I would look after him. I didn’t even know that he was unhappy and then one day I find him just hanging there in our bedroom. Chair kicked casually away from his legs. Purple face, broken neck and a note on the floor addressed to me.” Emmet’s voice cracked into sobbing as he uttered the details of his brother’s death. “He left me alone!” Emmet cried openly his voice muffled behind his hands. “My mother died then he died and I had to grow up in those places all alone. I told her I would look after him because he was two years younger them me.    

“Emmet I’m so sorry.” I tried to sooth wrapping arms around him as best as I could in the car.

“It’s his story Esmee,” Emmet sniffed. “Hev has his story. I can’t change his ending. I lost him but I can and I will change hers even if I have to toss a hundred telly’s down that stairs.”  

he's just Emmet

He’s just Emmet

 “what on god’s green earth is going on!” Ava shouted from downstairs as everyone that was inside the living room burst into applauding and screams of delight before scrabbling to their feet and heading out onto the hall way all of them wanting to be the first ones to congratulate Emmet on his destruction of the television. “Oh hell is that the Television Emmet?”

“Sorry Alice. I dropped the TV!”

“You dropped the TV! Why were you carrying the TV Emmet? Oh hell I don’t care! You’re doing the paperwork for this though!” Ava shouted before she too started to laugh as well making all the clients cheer again and pat Emmet on the back if they were standing close enough to him. It appeared after everything he did in the unit this is what people were going to find the best about him and admittedly even for me it was pretty epic and he all but turned my life around!

“Right monopoly all of you, we must have got at least five versions downstairs. Get into groups of six and get playing, last person playing gets woken up by me singing tomorrow morning!” Emmet shouted making all the clients giggle and run off down the stairs like children at a birthday party.

“He’s just crazy.” Hev said to me laughing at me

“No, he’s a great guy,” I smiled “He’s just Emmet.”

Goodbye green world

Goodbye green world

The TV in the lounge was reasonable small with about a twenty four inch screen but the back to it was huge all boxed around in tacky black plastic. It also looked weighty and physically sturdy even if it had seen better day’s picture wise, however Emmet made it look easy as he pulled the cable out of the wall, throw the free view box that sat on top onto the floor and hulled the thing up into his arms.

A few members of the room around us gasped, Madeline laughed and said something about the aliens inside of Emmet making him a fucking lunatic but most of us were just rendered speechless including Esmee as we stared in disbelief at the scene that was unfolding.

“Emmet, don’t be a fucking dick, what are you doing?” Hev asked finding her hands before the rest of us could find our voices to ask the same question. Emmet did not answer he,r instead he silently slipped past her stepped over Madeline’s legs and went to the top of the stairs that was visible from the door of the living room.

“Mi, translate this for me, I have my hands full.” Emmet said turning from the top of the stairs to look back into the room his eyes of emerald fire now liquid rivers of watery jade that spilt down over the edges of his cheeks devastating me in seconds.  “We all deserve to live,” Emmet announced. “We all deserve to fit in and be accepted into the world whether we are able bodied or disabled, weather we can hear or we are deaf. All of us are important and we all have the ability to do great things. Also, all TV’s should display subtitles.” With that Emmet gave me a friendly wink, turned his back to the living room and through the TV down the stairs.

Emmets anger

 Emmet’s anger

By that evening I was back to normal, almost. Now and again my stomach would heave upwards or butterfly’s would flap inside on my chest as I imagined not being able to go into my room and find all my blades but I could push them away.

I had been asked by Emmet and Hev to sit in the living room full of people. Normally I would have said no and hide away  in the corners of my room wishing the time away while scribbling  into my overfilled sketch book or with my head so far buried into a book no one could see when I cried alone into the pages. Sometimes Esmee or Emmet would come into the room and sit with me for a while, sometime we would talk or sometimes we wouldn’t. If Esmee was involved I would mostly involve me cuddling up next to her when she told me memories of her childhood and I told her glimpses of mine and promised her that one day I would open the lid of Pandora’s box that was now once again hidden inside my wardrobe. I wanted to open it but never thought I could.

 That night was different though. Weather because Hev had a smile on her face as she asked me even though it was her first day in prison or whether it was because she was asking with her hands and laughing as she made secret swearing signs behind Emmets back I didn’t know but I picked up my sketch book and decided to join them in the lounge.

The lounge was about the size of Doctor Jordan’s office with the same short pile blue carpet as the rest of the hospital. The walls where painted in baby blue powdery paint and shiny white varnish was on the skirting boards. It only flaked away where people did not look and it only had scuff marks from where people lashed out where others could not see. The secrets of apple gate house were never known by passers-by but I was in the middle. The middle where I could see the nightmares.   There were miss-matched chairs that circled the room all of which were pointed to an out dated TV that mostly displayed whatever was being played through it in an interesting shade of green. It also did not display subtitles, like we found out that evening.

“It’s OK Emmet I’m used to it.” Hev said gently to Emmet as he growled at the remote and bashed it up against the side of the sofa in frustration trying to make the subtitles kick in. “Emmet,” Hev said again gently with her hands before turning to my corner where I was sat on a bean bag and signing “fucking idiot” To me in such a casual manner I snorted throw my nose and dropped my pencil causing the whole of the living room to turn and look at me. I grabbed my pencil turned a bright shade of green and continued drawing trying to lead them into believing that it wasn’t me while I kept one eye on the conversation unfolding from the sofa opposite and the other on Esmee’s portrait.

“Emmet stop it.” Hev signed, this time sadly, touching the side of his arm to make him turn his face to look at her, this is when I put down my drawings and Esmee stopped playing with the Lego on the floor with Madeline. Emmets face was hurting, his eyes close to tears as he stared into the face of Hev and sighed heavily looking away, throwing the remote down on the floor in frustration making Madeline laugh as she used Esmee’s as a rock face for her Lego car to drive over.

“Don’t get so worried about it Emmet.” Hev signed also seeing how his expression changed though she didn’t understand exactly what it meant, Esmee on the other hand was looking for the available exits and how she could drag him out of the room. “It happens to me all of the time Emmet, I live inside a silent bubble and the damn it the walls are so think no once can normally get inside. They can’t hear me and because of that they can’t even see me and I shout at them and I scream at them but they don’t hear and I move like fog and shadows in a world where I am almost convinced I don’t belong but I come here and it should be the worst place in the world for me but I find you and I find Mi and you hear me. I don’t care whether I can’t hear the TV or not. I’m used to it… I’m used to it. .

“Well you shouldn’t just be used to it,” Emmet signed angrily. “You belong here and weather you are death or not you deserve to fit in and enjoy the stupid green television as much as the next person! I have had enough of it!” Emmet yelled with his hands making them move in fast jerky movements. Hev sank back into the Sofa her face grimacing as her fingers gripped around one of the thread bare cushion covers on the chairs. I tried to get my own hands to move to tell her that it was Ok but I was scared too. I had never seen his eyes so dark or full of thunder.

“Emmet, I think you have a load of paperwork to catch up on.” Esmee said her face in a smile and her voice light as she got to her feet to confront him but Emmet ignored her and continued to sign expletives as he headed off towards the television, his eyes burning with green flames.     

The way things are

The way things are

I thought I was going to die, but I didn’t. I thought that having a paper bag wrapped over my mouth and nose was more likely to suffocate me then but it hadn’t. I had cried and screamed and protested but in the end the room stopped spinning I started breathing in a normal pattern and even though I had been sick twice more I had felt better. I thought it was impossible but as always these days I was being proved wrong. After a few hours of talking to Emmet through a mixture of hands and voice we had come to the conclusion that even that even though I was terrified not having the blades was something I could cope with and would have to because they weren’t going to be giving them back. Also unknown to Emmet after the initial panic I had made a plan. I could always get more. Doctor Jordan was an idiot.

Out of breath Mi's side

Out of breath

 “You’re not alone honey.” Emmet said speaking the words gently and moving his hands in a liquid fashion to match. I wished he would stop talking. I didn’t need the words. I couldn’t hear them over all the buzzing and whooshing inside my head and also he didn’t know a thing. I was alone. They had found every last one of them and it was like going back to the beginning when I was new and bladeless in the unit, when I was falling apart, When I wasn’t strong.

“You found all my blades.” I signed moving my hands in a blur of panic and fear as my throat began to close over and my Belly sat somewhere just under my gag reflex again. I urged onto my hand once trying to budge the vomit that was stopping me breathing. “I can’t breathe,” I moaned, “I feel sick and I can’t breathe.”

“All right Mi, it’s OK.” Emmet said gently, advancing towards me quickly and grabbing me hold by the shoulders “It’s all right, you’re having a panic attack that’s all. It will be OK.”

“It’s not OK nothing will be OK now!” I yelped my breathing now in hyperventilation which sent my head whirling around making the floor dangerously close to coming hitting me in the face again. He said it would be OK but he had no idea. I needed something to hold onto from my past. I was changing so fast and there was no sense to it. They were taking away the last bit of me that I could understand.

“I’m going to take her out all right guys.” I heard Emmet say to the lest of the room before he turned around to me and said “Come on,” with a quick flick of his hands before he pulled me out of my upside down bedroom pulled me in close to his side and practically carried me down the two flights of stairs into the clinic room were the anti-septic smell hit me like a wrecking ball and my tummy pushed upwards, Acid vomit burning up my throat into my mouth.

“I’m going to be sick.” I signed even though my hands were so stiff and shaking now I couldn’t get my fingers to go into the right position. Emmet got the idea though because as quick as lightning he pushed me down onto the doctors bench and throw a bowl into my lap just in time for acid to fall into the bottom of it, burning my mouth and lips as the pain gripped at my sides an cramped up my arms and legs until I had no choice but to cry out.

“All right honey, it’s all right.” I understand it’s painful but it won’t go away until you can slow this breathing down.” Emmet said gently, rubbing my back in big circular movements. “You know how to do it, in through your nose, out through your mouth. Big deep breaths.”

I couldn’t take big deep breaths; I couldn’t even take little ones. There was nothing I could do. The fact that I was pushing any air in and out of my lungs at all seemed like a miracle and he made it sound like it was easy.

“I can’t slow it down,” I wined with my hands even though they were so stiff now I could hardly get the shapes to form. “I can’t breathe.”

“You can, your lungs are completely clear and your oxygen stats are at one hundred, they can’t get any better than that.” Emmet said gently yet firmly again as he pointed down to the oximeater that flashed at 100. “You’re feeling like shit because the balance of Oxygen and Carbon dioxide in your body is out off, you need to calm down to get it in proportion because you carry on like this you will faint..”

“I can’t calm down!” I signed again banging my fists down against the mattress in frustration making Emmet leap forward and grab them into his. I growled, he sighed.

“Look how about we try it this way.” Emmet said letting go of my hands and going over the one of the cabinets and bringing out a white paper bag.

i was really alone (mi's side)

I was really alone

The panic rose inside of me and the bile churned inside my tummy… I was alone. I had hid all my blades in the best places known to me and within forty five minutes they had found them all… I was alone. Of course I had been expecting them to find most of them But not all of them. That is where my hopes had lied. That they could skim over something so small tapped to the underside of a fixed shelf but Edward hadn’t and he threw it into the bin with such ease… I was alone. Who would have suspected the top of a body spray can? I was alone. My breath got caught somewhere just outside of my panting lungs as I saw the four staff move in slow motion while they continued to up route my room to an unrecognisable state but I knew they wouldn’t find anything…I was alone

“You found them all.” I signed to the air unable to get my voice to vocalize the words that I hoped wasn’t true. I needed those blades. Not to use them but just to have them. They made me calm; calmer than any stupid blue of pink pills they could through down my throat and now they were all gone into the bottom of a bright yellow hazard box and I had to run with no safety net. There was nothing to stop it if I couldn’t take it. What would I do if I needed to cut again? What if the blood turned to led in my veins and it poisoned me? I needed those blades back; I would go crazy without them.

“Give them back to me.” I signed again in a whisper, my hands barley moving. “I need them to breathe. Give them back to me I need them to stay…”

“Emmet I think she’s talking to you.” Esmee said aloud cutting me off as I noticed her eyes focused in on my hands trying to work out what I was saying.

“What’s the matter honey?” Emmet asked aloud stopping what he was doing to look at me along with the rest of the staff.

“I’m alone.” I signed, before bursting into noisy panicked tears.

I was alone (Mi's side)

 I was alone

I was alone

The yellow went away as No less than four members of staff started my room search and I watched on in horror as one by one they found my blades in there expert hiding places as easy as if I had just left them out on my bedside table for the world to see.

After they found the blade that I had thrown across the floor Emmet found the one that was tapped to the underside of my sock draw and with a sigh he dropped it into a yellow sharps bin. Next Edward found the one tapped to the underside of the shelf in my wardrobe followed by Ava who found the one that was tapped to the top of the can of body spray. Both of them said nothing as they throw them into the yellow can like they were not important while inside I fell apart. Then lastly, my prayers going unanswered,  Esmee found the blade hid inside the pocket in one of my bras…I was alone.

Heaven can wait

Heaven can wait

 “Right, I’m all done, I think.” Esmee said smiling as she pulled her chair back away from me and observed the neatly placed bandage on my fore arm. It had taken eight stitches to pull the skin on my arm back together again and about fifteen minutes in time. The pain it caused was minimal and a crisp white bandage concealed the wounds away. Over; forgotten with. Everything was calm for a while and back in its place. I could go on with life now.

“Mi you know I’m going to have to search you and your room right.” Esmee said gently reaching out and touching my hands with hers. The blue sadness swirled somewhere inside of me and bashed on the outsides of the fences I created with its fists wanting to be let in to overwhelm me again. However I knew this was the most likely outcome. Good things never really came from the side of a razor blade. I would have to pay the price for my few minutes of release.

“I could have guessed as much.” I moaned, my shoulders slumping into my body as the blue mist got through the gates and swirled around inside my head and down over my limbs making them heavy. I would need to take another pink pill to make them all go away.

“I’m sorry Mi, please don’t look so hurt.” Esmee moaned back her shoulders slumping into the same position as mine. “If you were living with me things would be different Mi I promise but here I have to follow the procedures and think of everyone on the unit. Some people aren’t as safe as you and if they found a razor blade.”

Red swirled into meat the blue and I bucked my posture up. The purple created a different feeling, Maybe it was a blue pill I needed to make it all go away. Maybe I needed both. Maybe I just needed a whole bunch of them at the same time. Maybe I just needed to get out of life after all. It would be more peaceful when I was cold, there would be no fight and I could see them all again and there smiling face. The blue was winning, I was falling and so did the tears.

“I am sorry honey, please don’t cry. It will be really quick and I will be the one to search you which means you can be confident that I have seen it all before, and then it’s over, and tomorrow I can take you home. There you can see your future and what it will be like when you are away from the hospital. Work with me and your observations can stay the same and nothing will change.” Esmee said her voice pleading with me.

Her voice worked well. It was a yellow colour like the sun and drove into my head and made all the other colours start to back away For a second it was a mess. For a second I thought I was going to drown and I yelped but soon she was the only thing there. Suicide meant leaving her and that was now too hard. Arabella, Bella and Oscar were up there but they always would be. They could wait for me. Beside Esmee was where I belonged for. I would live for all of them

Like a jumper i'm mended (Mi's side)

Like a jumper I’m mended

Immensely proud of me. The words seemed so stupid. What had I done to be proud of? It felt like I had no choice to cut myself but I knew even as I was doing it I was ruining everything. I had never before not wanted to cut  but that had made no difference really, I still had and Esmee still had by blood drying into the contours of her hands as she pulled me up the corridor towards the clinic room.

“How can you be proud of me?” I finally squawked as I sat down on the bench in the clinic. The words tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them. I hadn’t wanted to ask her. I told myself to graciously except her praise but how could I when the rest of my body screamed at me that I didn’t deserve it? How could I when I so desperately hated myself all over again?

“There are lots of reasons.” Esmee said calmly smiling at me before she helped me to pull my Hoddie off over my head and her face fell into a grimace that she tried to hide. Three cuts were deep. The others not so bad but still bleeding proudly however my joy and lust for the blood had gone now leaving me hallow.

“I tried,” I whispered as Esmee pressed a wad of gauze down over the wounds to try and stop the bleeding. “I did try not to. I didn’t want to cut, I really didn’t. I just had too.” I moaned my voice cracking under tears again. “I wanted to stop and then you would love me and be proud of me. I’m a shit sister.”

“Mi, I could not love you anymore then I already do There is only one other girl in my life that means as much to me as you do and that is my daughter and I will always be proud of you. You have been through so much.”

“ I don’t want you to be proud of me because I was abused. It suggests that I can’t do any better then be the girl that was raped as a kid.” I moaned rubbing the tears out of my eyes. I was so tired of crying, so tired of everything falling through the cracks.

“That’s why I’m proud. For so long Mi you told us all that you were evil and deserved everything that happened to you. Raped or abuse was so far away from your mind it was impossible to even suggest it to you. I’m proud because you really tried this time not to cut yourself. I am proud because you came to find help. I’m proud because your body’s now healthy and I’m proud because now we hardly ever have to use your tube. You have come so far honey! Just over two months ago I was pulling you out of a bath tub. Two months ago I thought you were never going to wake up and now look at you. You’re a good weight. Your attitude about everything is amazing. You haven’t cut yourself in weeks and thats all you. We haven’t had to restrain you once.” Esmee exclaimed her smile bigger then I had ever seen it across her face and for the very first time I could see what she meant in some ways. I was not the Mi I was when I entered into this building. I was growing, I was changing and I was surviving. I didn’t seek for my death anymore, I fort after my future and it resided in a brighter place then the walls of apple gate house. Bella had once told me to keep being magnificent and I intended to be. However I still couldn’t shake the rain that hung over me in its cartoon cloud. I had still used my blades that I had horded.

“I still cut Esmee.” I moaned the rain chasing away all the sunshine that Esmee had tried to set ablaze inside me.

“That’s nothing, it’s mended with a needle and thread, like a jumpers is. It’s how you move on from this is that counts.”