Maybe i had won

Maybe I had won

“All right, come on sweet. Come on lets go,” Esmee said taking my hand into her and pulling me up into standing. I did not want to stand. I didn’t want to face whatever was waiting for me. A part of me wished for the unit. For the w3alls and the fences and security. There no razors where allowed and if you had them they would be taken off of you. Here they were there all I had to do was ask. It was strange to my hospital mind.

Esmee directed my sluggish body towards the stairs that lead to my room and I forced my legs to go up them on at a time, she went up them first. A barrier to a bad but she would let me have them I knew that. So was she was easy penetrated. 

The air was thick as she opened my crisp white bedroom door and let herself in and went over to my bed picking the blades delicately one by one off of my bed. I wanted them. I really did but I did not move to take them I did not make a noise instead I turned my back on her and them and everything that I could.

“I am going to go and put these into the sharps bin.”

I thanked god it wasn’t a question that would have been to hard maybe she knew that already though. Maybe she was trying her best to save me. I slid past her are Pjs touching each other in the breeze we created between us, I did not want her to leave however I let her go anyway leaving everything empty.

I sat on the edge of the bed pulling the tips of my toes through the white fluffy rug that was beside my bed. I tried to concentrate on breathing. I wanted to keep it level even though it was in danger of running away from me. I am not sure what I was panicking I don’t think it was for the blades it was just for me for my world for everything falling down the rabbit hole. I did not want to be alone. In this world. In this room. Inside myself.

My breathing sped up in spite of my best efforts. I could feel my heart thumping against my rib cage. My hands where sweaty and my tummy squeezed.   

“Mi, its Emmet sweat, would you like me to come in?” it’s like they new

Ye…yeah if you want.” I had tried so hard not to stutter but the words where stuck. Breathing had to come first above it all or I was scared I would stop completely.

“It’s all right. Breath with me,” Emmet instructed kneeling down in front of me on the rug and taking my hands into his. He looked tiered but his lips were in a soft smile, his cheeks lose and calm, his moth ever so slightly parted so you could see the tips of his white teeth brushing the pink flesh of his lips. His calmness calmed me. It’s like he wouldn’t let me get sucked into the vortex.

I forced my breath to mimic his. For my chest to rise and fall as his did and my world cantered again just in time for Esmee to walk back in the door her hands now empty. She smiled at us for the corner of the room before coming over and sitting on the bed next to me. She nuzzled me with her cheek in a playful way and I smiled.

“You look tiered my sweet.” Esmee said gently tucking a strand of my hair behind my hair. I was tiered more tiered then I wanted to admit, it felt like I had been to war and maybe I had but maybe that was ok, because maybe in a way I had won.    

Keep me safe. Mi

Keep me safe

I tried to concentrate on my breathing for a few seconds before I spoke again. Vomit fluttered in a ball inside me but it seemed to be contented to stay down for now.

“Here you go sweet,” Emmet said holding a damp towel to my forehead. “You look a bit hot my dear. Do you also want to rinse you mouth out with some water try and get rid of the taste.”

I got unsteadily to my feet with the help of Emmet and went over to the sink before scooping water up with my hands into my mouth. I also enjoyed the spray hitting me in the face I could have stayed there for hours but I pulled myself away and turned the taps off.

“Why don’t you go back out and sit with Esmee for a bit and I will get rid of this.” He said referring to the bucket of sick. “She will look after you.”

I left the room again still in a particle daze. I am not sure what had happened where the anger in my veins had retreated to. It just niggled now. I could have cut. Maybe I still even wanted to in a part of me, it would have still been easy. It would have still be a release. I no longer needed to though. There was a tiny part that was surviving without blades, blood and bandages. I was also, very suddenly, very tiered like I could have slept for days, however I knew what awaited me when I wondered back up those stares. They would be waiting and they would probably destroy me.

“How are you feeling now Honey?” Esmee asked signalling for me to sit down next to her on the bed. “I am going to be very nursey and ask you on a scale of one to ten.”

“And I am going to be very annoying and not answer,” I smiled “I’m Ok. I feel better. Just tiered as I bet you are.” 

“I’m fine hon, we both are, but if you are wanting to go back to bed that’s fine too.”  

“I am too scared,” I admitted. “I don’t think I am strong enough right now to face what is waiting for me. I never have been able to give up a blade and they are up there waiting on my bed.”

“I can get rid of them for you sweet. All you have to do is say that’s ok.”

“I wish I could do that. I wish I was that strong.” I sighed leaning back on the bed on one arm. The mattress tried to drag me into it. Inviting me to stay there, and I wanted to. I didn’t want Esmee to leave I felt a little stronger in her presence.

“How about you and I go up to your room together. The blades will still be there yes and you could still use them however you would have to cut in front of me.”

I wanted to cry again there was no answer that I liked the sound of. There was part of me, a desperate part that wanted the control to be removed. I wanted someone to march up to my bedroom remove the blades and tell me that I would not be cutting myself.  Maybe that as what I still needed. If I was in the walls of Apple gate that is what they would have been doing. It was hard to see them past the front of nurse. I loved them like family but perhaps I still needed a nurse.

“Please don’t let me use them Esmee” I whined before putting my face in my hands “Please keep me safe.”  

They're worth all of it. Mi

They’re worth all of it

Mi

My body hurt. It was cold and hot and in pain. I had no idea what I was doing. The pain could have been over by now. Emmet nor Esmee or anyone else would have had to none about it. Before Apple gate house, before nurses or Lorazepam injections or restraints where I couldn’t breathe I had been an expert. I had been a cutter a good cutter. I hid it under sleeves and I had never needed stitches and even if I did I had sorted it. A master at my craft. I was good with cutting it had helped me but now, for some strange reason I had chosen against it. I had chosen this pain, this complete hell.

“Try to relax,” Esmee instructed trying to fit her arms around me better but my bones where like shards of glass cutting into the mattress and her arms and breaking my lings making it feel like my chest was filling with blood. I was drowning on dry land. Vomit and bile glued itself inside my stomach. I wanted to vomit but I couldn’t. I wanted so much.

“Is there anything I can do more to help Emmet asked throwing a tee shirt on before sitting on bottom edge of the bed by my feet, they still trembled stiffly the muscles hurting as they arched in towards the toes.

I smiled at him through the pain. I could think of a hundred things to be done but it didn’t want to hurt them more. That had changed to. Cutting never cared and neither had I, It didn’t matter who I had taken down but now I had to care about them. Cutting till didn’t and I think that’s why it hurt because I knew in my heart I shouldn’t cut any more not even if I really needed to.

“I feel a bit sick I swallowed my eyes screwed shut. I tied to feel Esmee more than see her. I wanted to concentrate on the softness of her arms and the scent of her skin and hair. Strawberries and a sweat perfume they had called me before they had made me whole when I wasn’t.

“Do you think you’re going to vomit?” Emmet asked getting to his feet and touching my arm gently. It felt like electric shocks setting my skin on fire. Not so much powerful but awakening. The nausea rolled up to my mouth.

“Bathroom.” I choked out scrabbling out of Esme’s arms and to my feet my hand pressed over my mouth my tummy muscles heaving upwards.

“Come on, quick, threw here,” Emmet said grabbing my elbow and towing me throw the door at the end of their bedroom the led to a small but cozy en suit. “Here.” Emmet handed me a bucket under the sink and pushed me down to sit on the toilet seat. I vomited forcefully almost missing the bucket as Emmet took my hair and held it back over my shoulders.

“All right, good girl,” He soothed as I heaved uncomfortably my eyes and nose running. My stomach pushing upwards. It was somewhat helping to vomit like I was getting something out of me, something I could see it wasn’t the same as cutting it wouldn’t defeat the demons but it was always better to be empty after all this time.

“I’m sorry,” I moaned wiping my eyes with the back of my hands.

“Not your fault honey. What did I say if your sick we will clean it up no big deal,” He smiled taking the bucket off of my lap and handing my some tissue so I could wipe my nose and mouth. I smiled again. He was worth fighting for he was worth going through the pain for he was worth living for

hold her until it's gone

Hold her until it’s gone

“What a good brave choice to make, now how would you like to approach this or would you like me to choose?”

“I have no idea. I’m trusting you remember.”

“Come on then, let’s go down stares for a bit. Esmee will come to.”

I got to my feet and followed as Emmet held one of Mis had and put the other one on her waste to try and steady her as she went down over the stares and into the kitchen flicking on the blinding bright light making Mi cover her eyes or a second or two before Emmet sat her down on one of the kitchen chairs. I allowed myself to approach her now. I wanted to hold her. She was no longer sobbing but she shock and her teeth chattered. Her face was bright red with tears. Her breathing come in shuddering burst her arms cradled up to her chest her eyes hovering over the kitchen cupboards and work surfaces. I was glad we had already removed the knives and put them in a cupboard with child lock. I had no doubt she would have gone for them is she could see them.

“It’s OK. I tried to sooth. Grabbing my own chair and sitting opposite her my legs speed out to go around hers so I could be close enough to touch her. “I know it feels like hell,” I said placing my hand on her shoulder while smoothing her hair behind her ear. I brushed my fingers over her cheeks to remove the fresh tears that fell as she rocked her body forward and backward, her feet tapping the floor.

“Would you like some Lorazepam Mi?” Emmet asked not concentrating as he grabbed a mixing bowl out on of the cupboards before diving into the freezer grabbing out two trays of ice cubes.

Mi shock her head. Roughly dragging her hands across her face before growling slightly before ripping the skin on her arms with her finger nails.

“Try not to sweetheart. You are doing so well,” I soothed again forcing myself not to grab at her hands. Sometime unit life was easier. Sometimes it was more than hard to watch someone slipping away and it was one of those times. 

Mi squeaked but removed her hand as she bent over in the chair her head almost touching my legs, Het back arching uncomfortable as new tears pulled her muscles upwards. “I feel sick.” She moaned.

I got to my feet and went over to the cupboard under the sink and pulled out a bucket that we used for Mia when she was sick before going back to Mi and placing it at her feet. “Just in case,” I reassured just before Emmet came over to us with his bowl of cold water and ice cubes.

“Mi sit up for me a minuet,” He encouraged placing a hand on her back. Mi sat up unsteadily and Emmet put the bowl on her lap.

“Here,” I said taking her hand and placing mine and hers into the freezing water. It was painful but I didn’t care. If this is what she needed this is what she would have. I would have done anything, been anyone, and gone anywhere to make her feel just the teeniest bit more comfortable.

Mi did not react to the ice her body still rocked and her tears still fell if it had given her the shock of pain we were hoping for she did not show it. If it was helping it didn’t register on her tortured face but she did not protest either as her finger curled and uncurled around an ice cube however it did not last long and very suddenly she took her hands out of the water almost spilling it on the floor, passing it over to me so she could get up and pace the kitchen floor tiles. It wouldn’t help she would be crawling time the end and I couldn’t stand it. There was nothing I could do part from watch her fail and watch her fall farther away and I couldn’t catch her.

“Make it stop,” Mi plead to anyone that would listen “I want to cut so badly!” She sobbed “but I want to stay here with u. I love you!”

Emmet moved before I could and without a word of warning scoped Mi up off the floor and into his arms like a baby. Mi sobbed harder but did not protest as she wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face deep into his still bear chest.

I got the doors from him as he mover her from the kitchen back up the flight of stairs to our bedroom again. “Lay down Esmee.” He said to me and I did I was told not really sure what his pan was, then gently laid Mi on the bed next to me her back to mine. “Just hold her,” He whispered to me.

He didn’t have to ask me twice that is exactly where I wanted her. Inside my arms. Close and as safe as I could make her.

“It all going to be all right baby,” I whispered close to her ear as I pulled her in so her back was up against me chest and my arms around her as tight as I could get them, my legs twisted around hers where she curled herself into a ball. “I’m right here my little darling. I’m right here and I promise I’m going to make it go away.    

take my hand

Take my hand.

 “Ok. It’s OK, try and calm yourself down a little bit. Now have you cut yourself? You’re not stupid and you’re not in trouble if you have but like always one of us will need to see and treat them.” Emmet said offering Mi his hand as I released her from my grip. If she had hurt herself there was no evidence of it. Her arms where clean of new wounds and there was no blood on her cloths or mine however my insides still twisted uncomfortably. I knew what it meant if she had harmed herself. It meant more months inside the unit. More observations and the end to any leave that she had. Worse than all of that I felt like that in some ways I could have prevented it. If I had checked on her at the time I was thinking about doing it a few hours ago I may have prevented her from going so far. It was bad enough seeing her like this knowing that she had had no intervention while she was feeling so “poorly” but if she had actually broke under it that would have made it so much harder to bare.

“No, but I want to. I really want to. I don’t think I can stop myself any longer. It’s too much inside of me. It’s like I’m burning up inside and there is no way out. It is so stupid and I am so sorry but I think I have to. I really can’t stop myself I shouldn’t have woken you up. I should have just got on with it. I would have been Ok then.”

Mi was on her feet and too the door fully sobbing again before either myself or Emmet could stop her. My heart pounded in my chest. I wasn’t really sure why. I wanted to stop her from going. Every part of me wanted to run after her and knock her to the floor. Restrain her until the storm had passed. Hold her tight to me until she had no more tears to cry or feeling to grip at her. I wanted to beg her. Pled her, but I couldn’t. I knew that that would be wrong. We were not in the unit anymore. My responsibilities as a sister, as a parent where a lot different to those as a nurse. I had always promised her things would be different once she was a part of us and I had no intention to go back on my word but I was going through the pits of hell stopping myself. So much so I couldn’t even find words to give her. I was going to let her walk back to her room and cut herself if that was the only way she thought she could manage.

“Mi. You don’t have to go. We are here. We don’t mind staying with you all night if we have too. You don’t have to do this alone at all. We can try things. Distraction. Simulated injury and anything else you can think of,” Emmet said softly getting to his feet but not approaching her as she shock in the hall way just outside our room.

 I could see the war inside her. The urge to flee was immense. I could feel her need; her utter longing to see blood. To feel pain. To stop the burning but she did not run. she remained on the spot swaying slightly from side to side her chest heaving up and down her hands crawling over her arms to find something to hold onto.

You’re not going to stop me?”

“No. You know the agreement. You should have gave the blades to us as soon as you got them. You know you could have always asked for one and we would have obliged but that’s neither here nor there now. You have blades and you have a choice. We will check on you every five to ten minutes if you chose to cut. Then we will sort them out and we will take you back to the unit. I’m sorry but we have no choice about the last bit but you need to know, no matter what you think. You have a choice.”

 

“I don’t… You don’t understand. You try but you don’t know what it’s like. I want it all to go away. Please make it go away.” Emmet moved then. No longer able to restrain himself to the spot and walked towards her. I couldn’t trust myself to move yet I was still far too close to demanding her not to. I knew in a way I was being selfish

. Emmet held his hand out to her as he reached her side but did not make a move to take hers.

“What if I’m sick?” Mi asked looking at Emmet's out stretched hand. She was desperate to take it but it wasn’t easy. “What if I can’t stop shaking? What if I pass out?”

“All those things can be sorted. You vomit we will clear it up. You pass out you will come round and we will keep you safe while you’re out and you will stop shaking. This will get better. You trust me remember.”

And with a nod of her head she took his hand.    

Trust her. (Esmees side)

Trust her  

Esmee

“Emmet. Are you sleeping?” I asked gently from my pillow as the numbers on the bedside clock ticked over from 12 59 to 1am. We had both been in bed for about an hour and Mi for two hours as she said she was tired and wanted to have a shower in a shower that had an opaque shower curtain for the first time in seven months. We had had a wonderful Christmas Eve all in all. There had been a few tears as we had placed the tiny new-born baby into her arms as she arrived into the house but she was soon captivated by the tiny little bundle like me and Emmet where. It wasn’t that she didn’t like babies she told us she loved them but she missed one in particular she could never get back and I felt her pain. Somethings with Mi went so deep I couldn’t believe her resilience. We had played games and watched Children’s Christmas DVD and she had helped me bath Mia and put her to bed with me at seven thirty. Mi was happy but still I couldn’t sleep.

“What’s the matter princess?” Emmet Asked rolling over to face me with a stretch. He had obviously been able to get some more sleep then I had, he wasn’t threating and I knew that neither should I but something was niggling at the pit of my stomach. Mi was brilliant at lying and on her best days she succumbed to darkness I had heard her say she was fine before. Fifteen minutes later I was pulling her unconscious body out of a bath.

“I’m worried and I can’t sleep. I want to check on her but I know I shouldn’t. There has to be an element of trust on both sides if this is going to work and she knows where we are and that she can come and get us any time. I mean your even wearing pyjama bottoms Emmet,” I laughed pressing the palm of my had up against his bare chest before letting my smile drop, but… she could also be dead.”

 

“We have to trust her darling. Or else she will never move on form the unit. I’m worried to. Honestly I am but it feels like we are braking something good if we go and check on her. I believe in her. You should to. I see so much of her in you and look at you now. The prettiest…” Emmet leant over and kissed my neck… “Most perfect woman on the planet. There again you always where to me.”

“You’re right. You’re always right. I love you.”    

******

The next time I looked at the clock it was three am. A tapping coming the corner of the room and somehow interrupted my dreams after I had dropped off after feeding the baby at 1 30 and changing her nappy. It appeared Emmet had heard it too as he turned over to face me one again

“What in the living hell is that?” He asked me his eyes still half closed

“Beats me.” I said turning on the bedside light and swinging my leg out of bed rubbing my eyes. I’m going to go and check on Mia make sure it isn’t her she’s been making escape attempts from her cot recently.”

“No you stay there I go.” Emmet said as the tapping got slightly louder. Emmet stretched as he got out of bed and gave a yawn before going over to the door and opening it before jumping a little hop backwards in surprise.

“I’m…I’m sorry.” I heard Mi stutter before her voice broke into sobbing just outside the bedroom door. The taping had been her knocking the door god knows for how long. She sounded desperate and unhappy like her world was falling apart and some and had been for some time.

I jumped out of bed in one fluid motion instantly no longer sleepy and went over to the door beside Emmet.

“It’s all right. It all right, Give me your hands,” Emmet said gently taking both her hands into his and leading her into the room. “Come and sit down on the bed for us sweetheart, come on.” Mi’s whole body trembled as she allowed Emmet to very slowly lead her over to the bed where she sat down.

 “Try and calm down for me, big breaths.” Emmet went down onto his knees in front of her and took Mi by the hands gently trying to look at her red blotchy soaking wet face. “Come on breath with me. In… out… in… out. That’s a good girl. How long have you been knocking sweet heart?”

“Abo… about… twenty… twenty minutes. I didn’t… didn’t want to disturb… you but… but… i…i…i… I really need your help.”

“Don’t be silly. You should have knocked harder and hollered if that didn’t get out attention. Never feel like that again if you need us you need us that’s what we are there for sweet heart.”

 “You’re… you’re not my nurses tonight.”

“No, we are your parents which is all the more reason for us to be there for you. Now tell me what’s going on.”

This seemed to be too much for Mi and she burst back into tears again. Her body rocking backwards and forwards on the bed. Her whole body shivering. I went over to the bed next to her after shutting the door and sat down wrapping my arms around her body where she clung onto me and Emmet got back to his feet so he could sit on the other side. It was heart breaking to see her like it in our own home even if I had seen her like it thousand times in the unit. It was meant to be a magical time it was Christmas and we loved her but it wasn’t enough and she was falling apart anyway and who new for what reason.

“I… I need to tell you something,” Mi whimpered her head pressed into my shoulder. “But you are going to be so angry with me.”

“Tell us sweetheart. I promise we won’t be angry,” I whispered gently fearing the worse all ready.

“Have you taken something Sweetie?” Emmet asked confirming that he was thinking along the same lines as me. “Swallowed something? Do we need to go to the hospital?”

“No. I bought razor blades while I was out though. I… I got them in my room… and…and I can’t stop myself from cutting. I’m… I’m so stupid.”  

Can i have a miracle?

Can I have a miracle?

I got back to the car just inside my twenty minutes after spending a good ten minutes on a bench outside of the teddy bear shop trying to calm my breath as it vibrated uncomfortably in my chest. I could have done it there and then a few small cuts. One for the pain, one for the anxiety, one for the joy. Just small cuts would have done no arteries needed to be breached. No stitches needed for the skin. I just wanted to see the blood. I wanted to know that I was truly me. Alive on this day at this year and going… home.

“Good timing. Two minutes to spare and all in one peace. Well done. Did you have fun?” Emmet asked. I nodded not trusting myself with words. It would have been easy to scream at them in that moment. I already felt on the verge of a full blown panic attack as my body trembled. Esmee’s eyes grew suspicious as she looked back over the car seat while I slipped myself into the back seat of the car.  

“Are you Ok?” I nodded again still not trusting speech but I made my gestures more enthusiastic. I swallowed hard at the nausea that come from panic and lying to someone who would have never lied to me.

Esmee scowled at me her eyebrows coming into meet at the middle. “Are you safe?”

“Yep all good just out of breath a bit. It’s the weather,” I said in a rush realizing that being mute wasn’t really going to be an option if I didn’t want to alert them. I also smiled showing my teeth even though it hurt to. I was so desperate to give up the blades to them I wanted to go back in time and un-buy them but I couldn’t I just wanted them so much. Just to be there just so I could own them. They were so oddly appealing to me. Like diamonds

.

Emmet Jumped out of the driving seat of the car before I had done talking and jumped in the back seat next to me

“Move seat Es big legs here,” He chirped as his les come up to hit his chin before Esmee slid her seat forward. And he relaxed fumbling around in his pocket for something. “Deep breaths Mi,” he said finding my blue inhaler.

I didn’t need it, My asthma was fine my chest wasn’t tight and I wasn’t wheezing but it was a good excuse for my fast breathing and I played along taking the inhaler twice. Emmet put his hand on my leg as he watched my chest rise and fall intently. I tried to calm myself. It was ok if I didn’t use the blade I would just be the stronger one and it wasn’t like I was trying to kill myself I wasn’t even certain I was going to harm myself. They were just there.

“Better?” He asked.

“Lots.” I said almost successfully pretending to myself that what I done was ok. “Thanks for that. I got what I needed. I’m ready for Christmas now.”

“Good well let’ get you home I know Mia is looking forward to seeing you and Esmee’s mum is going to be exhausted looking after her and a baby. She isn’t used to it,” Emmet laughed and I smiled. It had to be Ok after all it was Christmas and miracles happened.        

christmas shopping

Christmas shopping

All three of us left the unit just after lunch to make our way back “Home” I t was planed the I would spend Christmas Eve and Christmas day night there but if I self-harmed I had to go right back to the unit. There where so many rules that I had to get my head around but the main one was don’t screw up and I was despite not to also with the rules came my brake. I had not been allowed to go out alone since the last time they had tried it on my birthday but they were going to try it again I had twenty minutes a day to myself and I knew exactly how I wanted to spend mine before the shops closed.

“Can you take me into town?” I asked Emmet as he drove around the corner away from the unit. I want to spend my twenty minutes in some shops. After all it’s Christmas and I don’t have you anything yet nor Mia.”

“I can drop you in town and wait for you there if that is what you want but you don’t need to get us anything honey. You have given us all we want just by being here,.” Emmet smiled into his rear view mirror.

“Well I have to get Mia something. It’s Christmas and she’s a baby.”

“And all ready spoilt by her mum and myself. Honestly Mi save your Money for yourself.”

“Please let me.  I really want to. It won’t be much just a little something so I can say that I got her something for the big day.”

“You do what you want. Just have fun OK. Our numbers are on this phone as before. If you need us for any reason please don’t be scared to call we are just going to be in the car anyway ok. You have twenty minutes if you’re not back by then we will call the police and of course you will go right back to the unit. Enjoy yourself.”

I didn’t really know what I was going to get Mia for Christmas but I knew what I was going to get her parents I had been drawing a lot over the last few weeks and I had drawn them both together in my time. Even in drawings they fit perfectly together and I planned to give them a drawing each in a frame. It wasn’t much and it was a lot less then they deserved but it was all that I had. I couldn’t afford to buy them anything exciting but it was something and they would like it anyway. They were far too gracious to complain even if they didn’t like it.

It took me about five minutes to buy photo frames but I was still stuck what to but Mia and I was still at war with myself. I wanted blades. I had no idea what I was doing trying to buy them and I knew I was throwing everything away if they ever found out, but what they didn’t known what going to hurt them and besides I didn’t want to use them. I just wanted them. As a very sharp very strange comfort blanket and the pharmacy was so close.

I slipped through the doors like a ghost as I looked around me making sure I was not in sight from anybody and made my way over to the shaving products. There was so many, all easy to do harm with. All of them waiting with intent to open my veins but I knew what I was looking for. With a choice I always went for the same ones and I swiped them off of the shelf and stalked over to the checkouts to pay. I knew it was wrong. I knew I was ruining everything but at least it wasn’t pills. I on purposely made a choice to avoid the shelf of pain killers. I still didn’t know if I could trust myself.

I found it hard to breath from the supposed thickness of the air that was inside the pharmacy but felt better once I got out into the cold winter air. I had got away with it. I just had to find somewhere to hide them on my body so Emmet and Esmee couldn’t see them then find something for little Mia.

Finding something for Mia was to be easier then I first thought after I crossed the road and stared into the window of the collectable teddy bear shop. A cuddly bear for such a cute little bear seemed more than perfect and even though it was sort of expensive I did not hesitate to hand over the money for the pink ball of fluff that was so rightly called Amelia.

c

I knew this Christmas could go either way I could make it work or it could go down in flames. The trouble was I didn’t know what was closer to my heart.  

   

    

       

it's the most wonderful time of the year.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year

Christmas came as it had threatened to and with it mixed feelings took over the unit. They had decorations and Edward wore a Christmas Jumper that played music on the lead up to the big day but as expected it was almost muted from inside the walls, like the outside worry didn’t exist for us Esmee and Emmet tried to keep me as involved as I wanted to be by telling me what they had gotten each other and what they had gotten Mia. They promised me Mia was a gem to look upon when opening wrapping paper and that my dreams of playing wither her throughout the day where almost guaranteed. I was scared but a part of me was almost excited so much so I smiled when I looked in the mirror on Christmas Eve morning and laughed when I saw the dusting of snow on the ground outside of the window. I had never seen snow at Christmas it was almost fairy tale like. As close to perfection there was.

“Morning lovely. It’s snowing,” Esmee smiled as she pushed open my door to give me my wake up call. I noticed she wore a woolly jumper with two penguins kissing and a hair band with 3D reindeer on springs sticking out of her hair.

“It is, I have never seen it snow at Christmas.”

“Someone up there obviously knows that this year was extra special. I can finally say I am having Christmas with my full family. Have you got your bag all packed and ready?”

“Yep.” I picked at the scabs on my arms as she talked. She madly seamed more excited than I was and I could abruptly feel the pressure of having to be perfect for the next 48 hours or more. The problem was a small part of me, no matter how insignificant I made it still hadn’t made up her mind. I could have the Christmas of a lifetime surrounded by family in there warm happy house or I could be myself and crap all over it by trying to do something to end my life. It was an opportunity for some sever self-harming that apparently couldn’t ignore.

“Don’t pick your Arms,” Esmee said gently coming over and detaching my fingers that had become bloody in only a way that she knew how. “It’s going to be OK. We know that you are capable of this or we would never ask you to do it. We will take it as slow as we need to, a second at a time and the unit isn’t going anywhere you can always come back early.”

“And fail you again,”

“You won’t be failing anyone. This isn’t about success or failure this is about living and where you are going to live after you get well enough to leave the hospital. If that time isn’t now and you are still poorly enough to need the hospital then that’s the way it is. I’ll wait.  

I took a deep breath and wrested my head against her shoulder where we stood trying to show my gratitude though I didn’t really feel it. No matter what she said it was a failure if I didn’t make it and I had a whole history against me, but I so wanted to be better for her

How I wish we could all be so easily mended

How I wish we could all be so easily mended

“I know they are bad now but these feelings will end eventually,” Esmee promised as I tried to drag my arm away from hers. I felt the lips of the wounds drag against the towel and sting with pain as I protested but she held on not letting the wounds see the light of day again. I wanted to shout at her. I wanted to make sure that she never got to touch me again because it wasn’t fair that she thought she knew what was better for me. It made no difference if I was allowed to bleed and it wasn’t like I wanted forever. I just needed a bit more time. “I need you to think about how this is going to work,” Esmee said firmly after I succeeded in dragging my arm away from hers and took delight in watching as fresh streams of blood poured from the gaping wounds. “You need to settle down and let me stop the bleeding or you will leave me no choice but to get heavy handed with you and do this by force, now how would you like this to work.”

“Because life’s that simple,” I snapped dipping my fingers into the newly formed puddles of blood before smearing them between my fingers so it could die the tips of my fingers an off red and give them an odd sticky feeling.

“I can’t recall saying that your choice was simple Mi but unfortunately it is one of those things that needs an answer no matter how hard it is now I would really like it if you would come and sit with me so I can sort out your arms if not I will have to resort to other options.”

It wasn’t fair. She had the time she needed no one stopped her when she hadn’t had enough and I didn’t want to be controlled. I was in control of my fate and I wanted to bleed. I growled in my frustration as the blood dripped new and golden from the ends of my fingertips. I couldn’t understand why she was so desperate for it to end.  

“Come on lets end this now,” Esmee said getting to her feet and coming over to me taking my arm back into hers and under the towel. I winced as she put pressure onto the wounds but fort the urge to try and drag my arm away from hers again.

“This isn’t fair,” I grumbled trying to resist the urge to drag the towel off of my arm and throw it across the room.

“I know it isn’t. I’m sorry but there is nothing that I can do about it,” Esmee said taking the towel off of the wounds and pulling the edges of them together with her fingers. “I’m going to have to stitch these up now.”

“What if this was you?” I moaned allowing Esmee to go about emptying packets of sterile water into a dish so she could start to bath my arms off

“It’s not me Mi, and things are different here compared to what they are in the real world. If I was in the hospital and I had done what you have in front of a nurse I would have been treated exactly the same. I wish I could have treated you differently but sometimes my hands are tied. Things will be different once you live with us,” Esmee soothes as she gently brushed gauze across the cuts allowing the blood to splinter into the tiny folds of my skin. “I can fight for you more.”

I felt calmer as Esmee talked and became more mesmerized at the way she worked over my arm. She was the exact opposite of their origins. She was smooth and soft and the cuts were angry and raised against the surface. She was going to sooth them somehow even If I wasn’t entirely happy with it.

“This bit is going to hurt.” I winced as Esmee pushed the point of a needle deep into one of the oozing wounds and injected the anaesthetic making the sides puff up and meat in the middle. I knew what came next, the sewing up, the healing of a wound that should never have been created and I quietly cried as I watched Esmee starting to sew me up wishing I was mended as easily.

as good as blood

As good as blood

I could have shrieked. It would have been excusable and I considered it but something in me went down quietly. I couldn’t or didn’t want to fight Esmee or the rest of the staff and I knew better then anyone what they had planned for me. I didn’t even struggle to get Esmee off of my back there was no point somehow even though I was now so much physically bigger she was still stronger than me and I didn’t want to risk damaging her.

It took minutes for me to hear the rumblings on the stairs and the clatter as two more nurses looked for the alarm that was coming from Esmee’s wrist and about two minutes for the door of my room to be pushed violently open. It was Edward and Ava and they knew what to do instantly as they witnessed Esmee’s uncomfortable position on top of me. I braced myself to feel their hands on my body.

“She’s cut herself in front of me. I tried to get the blade off of her but she wouldn’t give it up. Be careful Edward she dropped the blade where you’re kneeling.” Esmee rattled of the facts as I almost chocked under the new pressure I felt on my chest from Edward’s hands. “I think we will transfer to the ECA for the time being just to make sure Mi has got some self-control back.”

It seemed so unfair. I had been the very image of self-control since she restrained me. I didn’t need padded walls or someone looking at me to make sure I was OK. I gave up without the fight I could have put up. I gave up without everything. I had just wanted to cut. There had been a time not so long ago when she had needed that too.

I was in the air before I knew it. They gave me no warning before they lifted me clean off of the ground and was carrying me face down through the corridors of the unit towards there destination. I remembered the first time they had carried me this way I had gone for the yellow sharps box in the clinic room and Crystal had demanded her own way. I had screamed the entire way to the ECA and only Bella had the nerve to ask why. I didn’t scream now and Bella wouldn’t ask why it just didn’t matter anymore.

“I’m going to stay with her.” Esmee announced as they pushed open the door to ECA one and laid me down on the mattress that was in the corner of the room. “Ava can you go down to the clinic room and bring me up some supplies so I can deal with her cuts please. There’s no need to man CCTV at the moment as I’m going to be in here anyway but what with all the new red’s tonight it might be a good idea for you to get on the blower and see if you can get us some more man power Edward just in case we need to man it later.”

Ava and Edward left without talking to me once. I tried not to make a noise as I watched the padded door close in on itself leaving me inside it. I didn’t want to be there. It was a void at the centre of the earth where life itself stood still and I was stuck right in the middle of it lied out on a mattress with no sheet. I always ended up here, even when I promises it was the last time ever I always landed back up on the mattress where time stood still. I wanted out.

“I don’t suppose you are going to want to speak to me right now after this,” Esmee said as she pulled gloves on beside me and went down to her knees beside where I was laying. “It’s all right to feel angry with me Mi I’m sure if I where in your position I would be angry too but is it OK if I have a look at your arm please.”

I wasn’t exactly angry with her. I had known when I chose to cut instead of handing the blade over I was sealing my fate of how it was going to end. It could have been different and I knew it. Instead of locked inside padded walls I could have been sat in the clinic room being stitched up by now without the need for any of this but I just couldn’t make that choice. At the time and somehow even now it seemed an impossible option no matter how much more preferable it was to being locked away it was like I enjoyed punishing myself.

“I’m not angry with you. You did what you had to do. I just hate the ECA,” I moaned sitting up and lifting the cut sleeve on my arm so Esmee could see the cuts underneath. They were fairly deep and still pushing blood towards the surface where it smudged onto my arm but they were better than they could have been in a way so much more better then I wanted them. A part of me wanted to keep on bleeding though the efforts of trying to stop it. No matter how it had ended it had still felt amazing to cut and I couldn’t regret it. I just regretted the situation.

“I’m going to have to stitch a few of these I’m afraid,” Esmee said getting to her feet and going to the toilet in the side of the room and getting some towels. “Do you want to put some pressure on those wounds for me,” she asked handing me one.

“No, not really,” I stuttered the tears somehow working their way through the emptiness. The thought of covering the cuts seemed too much to bare. I wanted the blood too keep flowing through my fingers and over my arms and never stop it was too important to stem with a towel, the wounds meant too much to stitch up. “I don’t want the bleeding to stop,” I admitted. “I didn’t want to stop. You stopped me and I wasn’t done. Don’t you get it? I need this it’s not as simple as just looking me away and pretending.”

“Mi in this setting I have no choice but to stop any self-harming behaviour. I cannot let you harm yourself, it’s absolute, however I do know how you’re feeling and I know how hard it is but it does get better and you’re not alone. I’m right here and I won’t leave you,” Esmee promised gently putting her arm around my shoulder at the same time as pressing the towel down hard over the wounds. She was almost as good as the blood.

the last blade

The last blade

The rest of my breath left me in a rush, my whole body reacting to the loss of my biggest secret. My arms and legs scrambled as what I said registered fully in my brain and they reacted braking out of the peaceful position I had been in lied against Esmee’s chest. I couldn’t breathe or see as I realised what I had done. Everything was falling.

“ Hay, it’s OK, It’s OK. I’m still here. I’m not going anywhere.” I tried to focus on her face even though my eyes refused to. I knew if there was one thing in the world that had a chance of calming the storm before it happened it would be her. If I could get myself to really look into her ebony eyes I could see what I had done for what it was rather then what it felt like but the monsters wanted me to lash out. My bones wanted to crumble against the walls.

I reacted on instinct rather than the knowledge of what would happen if I allowed emotions to let go and I got to my feet. It was stupid what I was going to do, my head screamed that I had to stop but I reacted on the drive that instantly wanted to see the blood that meant I was so brutally alive and dived into my cupboard. It was my last secret, my last plan, my last escape, the last blade.

I cut my arm five times with force through the sleeves of my top before Esmee had any idea what I was doing and I had no idea how I was going to stop again. It had been weeks. I had no many how many exactly but the elation was instant. I remembered it, all of it. The glorious rush of pure untainted relief that it offered flowed like molten gold through my veins and my chest expanded with air that I was convinced would never come.

I cut again with a chirp as I watched the blood rise from the jagged cuts and spill down my arms and over my fingers onto the floor before Esmee moved in a flash and came to a stop just in my field of vision the look of horror on her face. I wanted to stop for her but I never wanted to stop again. The blade pulsed so demanding in my hand but her face haunted my vision.

“Mi stop, that’s enough. You have done enough.” Esmee stated firmly her voice trying not to quiver as she stood in front of me and held out her hand. “Give it to me. Give me the blade.” To refuse her was impossible but to give up the last blade I was ever going to get my hands on was as insane to my messed up head. I wanted to hand it over to her. I wanted nothing more than to ease the look of horror that was etched onto her face. I growled in my frustration as I felt the warm sticky blood fall in little streams from my fingertips and onto the dark blue carpet that was underneath but the blade pulsed so angrily in my hands because I wasn’t using it. It was my last chance to cut. It was my last chance to ever feel the kind of strange clam it gave to me. It was my last chance to be able to breath like I had when the blade sliced through the flesh and whatever her face said, not matter how much her voice silently pleaded with me to give her the weapon and no matter how much I didn’t want to let her down I wanted to cut more. I couldn’t stand a life where I couldn’t feel the sharpness of steal under my skin.

“I’m so sorry,” I moaned as I lifted the blade up in my hand and pressed the edge with force through one of the rips in my sleeve so I could take delight in the skin pulling apart.

“So am I,” Esmee moaned before I knew what she was doing and she set off her RRA before stepping forward to me and swiping my feet out for underneath myself at the same time as twisting my hand back so the precious metal fell from my hand and landed on the floor. Everything ended.

My hardest secret.

 

My hardest secret.

“You do?” Esmee asked her eyebrows raising slightly in suspicion. Her lips curling in at the ends as she looked deep into my face. It’s where everything ended in the look between us, she was expecting me to tell. To let her know where everyone’s get out of jail card was kept then she could take it away like it didn’t matter.  It mattered though more than anything in the world. It was like that first blade that I had hidden in my bra when I entered the unit. I had pinned everything on it.  The canter of my universe had been placed in its cold sharp edge and it was the same now. It wouldn’t have even been something I would have considered telling Esmee if I hadn’t none what I knew now but when other people where hurting themselves when the blades called to them like it did to me it felt like I had to tell Esmee. They were cruel and vile but oh so necessary and I was oh so stuck.

“I can’t tell you.” I sighed letting out a breath at the same time things where always so complicated and I had just made it ten times worse.

“You realise that puts me in a bit of a hard situation.”

“Then you are in exactly the same situation as me then,” I snapped before softening before I managed to get the words out. It wasn’t her fault that things where so impossible. She just wanted the best for me and the rest of the unit and I could give that to her if the words didn’t keep getting stuck in my mouth. “I’m sorry.”

“I never said that it was easy Mi but once again we are in one of those situations where I can’t relly help you. You have a choice to make and it is yours alone. You can do the right thing or the wrong one.” She made it seem so simple. Like there wasn’t a million monsters stopping the words that eroded somewhere inside my belly. If it wasn’t Esmee I would have been annoyed at how simple she seemed to make it. If I didn’t know that her arms where stitched up because her emotion had 0verflowed to a knife I would have shut up in defiance. I needed the promise of those blades more then I needed the air that was in the room.

“How dare you try and make it so simple. Mix it up in your head and put yourself in my shoes. What’s it like to be able to have whatever you may need so easy to get at. I have to fight a bit harder then you to get the tools that I need to breathe.”  Esmee winced as my words hit her somewhere just under her ribs leaving her breathless. I had touched something inside her I almost wished I had left untouched. Esmee felt better when she was trying to be superman and I had little or no pleasure in being her kryptonite. Mentioning her stitches had left her more vulnerable then she should have been.

“Look I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…”

“No…. It’s OK Mi, I want to understand and you have put it into a situation where I can. You are very brave to be talking to me about this at all, I’m not sure that I would be that strong.” I shook my head from the praise. I didn’t deserve it. I wasn’t brave in the slightest. I wasn’t giving up the blades to the staff. If it was just me I would have been keeping them safe. If it was just me I would have kept the secret so close to my chest but someone else had so cruelly been brought into my situation.

I felt tears bite at my eyes as I tried to think about how unfair it was. Esmee didn’t miss them and reacted by putting her arm around my shoulders

“Take it slowly, I have time for you and there is no need to rush with what you are trying to tell me. It is the right thing that you are doing even if it is excruciatingly hard. It’s so positive.”

“It’s not for me Esmee. I want to keep it to myself and I would if it was my secret not to share but I’m not sure if I am going to be able to get the sight of her cut legs out of me head. To know where she got her weapon. To know that I might have been able to stop it. To know I might be able to stop it happening again and what if someone else works it out. I could stop it but at the same time it’s like cutting off my own air supply. I. Need. To. Cut.”

I know that feeling and you know and I know that if you tell me where Hev found her blade and where you can find blades I’m going to move them. It’s my job. I wouldn’t take it lightly though. You are one of the bravest people that I know honey no matter what your motives are for trying to tell me this.”

“I wish I didn’t know. I wish that I could just stay here forever,” I whispered resting my head onto her chest trying to find some comfort from her touch. “He keeps them on his desk…” I mumbled not sure how the words found a way to be spoken. “Doctor Jordan has a pot of pencil sharpeners on his desk…”  

sharp secrets (Mi's side)

Sharp secrets

Mi

I felt numb inside as I wondered back into my room and closed the door on the rest of the world. I wanted to go to sleep. I wanted to pretend that I had never gone looking behind other peoples doors and let someone else find her. The staff would have got to her eventually and then it could have been there mess. The trouble was, I was lying to myself as well. For as much as I wanted to be sleeping I wanted to be back in Hev’s room doing something useful. Esmee though kind and most certainly capable of dealing with self-harm lacked the ability to talk to her and there was so much in my head that should have been said. Hev was meant to be fine. We had all come to expect that of her over time. She was scared when she first came but after that she just fitted in with no problems. She didn’t cut herself or run the staff in circles even Crystal found it hard to hate her because she never demanded any attention from her. It wasn’t right that it changed and I wanted to put it right somehow. I wanted to swap my legs with hers and make her feel better. It seemed wrong that she would be the one going to bed with sore legs wrapped in bandages but she would be and I felt her pain.

“Hello sweet heart. How are you doing?” Esmee asked coming into my room after I stared at the ceiling from my bed for what must have been over an hour. Everyone else had been sent to bed by staff ten minutes ago and the corridors where cast in the thick forced quietness that come with the evenings with just the very distant sound of the night stations TV floating up the stairs. It was impossible to tell what was on.  “Are you going to put you pyjamas on and get ready for bed? Do you want a sleeping pill?”

I shook my head and sat up on the bed though my body didn’t want to. It felt like I could have stayed there not moving and not feeling for days if I had had the choice. Things where unfair. Good people got hurt and I was done with it.

“Is she ok?”

“Someone’s watching her. She’s going to be fine Mi.”

“You really think its fine. You think its fine that someone like Hev has somehow managed to land up on red observations. It’s not fine Esmee,” I stopped the feelings burning at my voice. “It’s not fine”

“I know that things don’t feel ok and this is a really hard one to get around but what I was trying to say Is Hev is being looked after now so this won’t happen again,” Esmee said coming over to the bed and sitting next to me placing her hand on my back

“I mean how the hell did it happen. It isn’t like you hand blades out or make it easy. What did she use?”

“Come on Mi you of all people know that where there’s a will there’s a way. There’s no need to play dumb with me. I don’t know how she managed to get hold of a pencil sharpener blade.

My insides froze and my body shivered as Esmee’s words dug somewhere uncomfortable into my soul. They may not have known where the blade come from but I did. I thought that it was only me that had found the little pot of treasures that shone at me from Doctor Jordan’s desk. I thought that I was the only one that new there was a chance to get out when things got to tough, but other people had seen it too and it was hurting them and people like Hev where to beautiful to hurt.

“I know,” I stuttered not knowing what had come over me or why my mouth was betraying the bit of me that demanded I kept the whereabouts of the blades top secret “I know where she got the blade from.”  

Has it helped. (Esmee side)

Has it helped

Esmee

“OK, Ok. I’m coming let’s see what’s happening. Is she awake and breathing?” I asked pulling the office door closed behind me with a snick.

“Yes, she seemed OK when I left her to come and get you. The cuts aren’t bad exactly. Just … Well just there and that seems bad enough.”

“Ok honey I can take it from here. Why don’t you go and spend some time with the others before it is time for bed. I promise I will come and see you before you are sleeping ok.” Mi stopped walking so suddenly it felt like I Had to stop with her. My suggestion seemed to offend her somehow but I wasn’t sure what she was expecting. It was more than my jobs worth to let her get involved in the situation and she knew that. That didn’t mean it would stop her protesting.

“How are you going to talk to her without me?” She had a point. There was going to be a language barrier that I couldn’t get over and there was going to be something very patronising about just smiling at her as I prodded at her wounds. It wasn’t like a kid who had fallen over and scrapped their knee, you couldn’t just smile and them and tell them that you would rub it better. It was bigger, even bigger than words but at least you could try if you had them.

“We will get around it. You know I can’t let you help Mi. It’s already bad enough that you found her. I will come and let you know that she is ok after I have done with her ok. I promise I would leave you in the lurch.” Mi nodded before taking a step back and letting me progress along the corridor alone towards the flight of stairs that lead to the top floor.

I knocked out of habit when I reached twilight before letting myself into the room. I wasn’t sure what I was going to find as I had no prior knowledge of how Hev dealt with such things. We all new that she had a history of self-harm so we all knew that there was a chance of her hurting herself but so far she had been the beacon of courage and strength while in our care to the point when none of us really had an idea as to why she was still in a secure unit and not out living her life with everyone else. It was going to be sad having to write in her book that things had changed.

Hev’s eyes greeted me as I hovered by the door and then walked to over to her bed. She was scared of what I was planning to do to her to where she half-heartedly tried to hide the wounds on her legs.

“It’s ok Hev, you’re not in trouble.” I said as clearly as I could hoping that she could lip read if I was clear enough. “Can I have a look and see what you have done to yourself?” She nodded slowly as she uncovered her leg again and moved it so I could see the pits and gashes that leaked ruby red blood from her legs. I was going to need to stitch the worse ones if she would let me and cover the others. There where over twenty cuts that followed no pattern or reason just pain and they were made to make another bigger pain go away.

“Are you feeling better? Has this helped? Hev looked at me suspiciously caught off guard by the somewhat strange question. It was a valid one though people were trying to achieve something by their self-harm they didn’t always get what they wanted from it. In fact a lot of the time it was a desperate act but it could work in some way. It once had worked for everyone who had tried it. That was the reason why we kept chasing it down to the very ends of the world because when it worked it felt so god damn good.

“I know it sounds like a silly question but you did this to try and achieve something. Has it helped?”

“Does it ever?” Hev asked stiffly her word slurring into each other showing how much she hated to communicate in this way.  

“Well you do it for a reason don’t you?” Hev smiled a looked away tears glittering somewhere inside her eyes she didn’t need to answer the question for me to know the answer.

A cuts Language

A cuts language

Something drew me closer to her. I had planned to run and get help. I had planned to run so fast that I could have rewound what she had done but her sad eyes and her laboured breathing drew me to her bed because I wanted to help and I seemed like the best person for the job even though I was in a place filled with nurses that had better training.

“It’s OK.” I signed as I sat

 down next to Hev on the blood soaked sheets and allowed myself to look at the wounds. It was meant to be a glance I was meant to make assessment on weather I had to go running but as soon as I saw the wounds my eyes got stuck. It was a mess. The cuts where deep and blood pushed at their surfaces and it was terrible but something about them meant so much more to me than they did to another person looking. I was looking at stories not wounds. I was looking at a language not a cut and they shouted their words at the top of the voice but they were private sentences at the same time. There secrets belonged to Hev and not even myself with such knowledge could understand them just that they were strong. 

I am not sure how long it took but in the end I looked away and laid a towel over the wounds. It was hard in a way I wanted to see them on display as much as she was reluctant to see them go. People where always so eager to clean up the feelings when you wanted them to spread on for ever. When there was a bit of you that wanted to strip off and walk proud threw a hundred people asking what wounds they were on about when they asked because they didn’t hurt at all compared to what was on the inside. It was impossible to get deep enough to actually remove what really hurt and with the plasters and sticky tape holding them together they stopped screaming out your pain far sooner than the internal screaming had ceased but they had to go away sooner than you would like for everyone’s sanity. Even I felt uncomfortable in the presence of such raw pain.

I searched my head for words to say but nothing would have made a difference to what had happened and nothing could have made her pain go away. I had known she was upset even the staff had known she was upset but none of us new how truly tortured she was. I hadn’t even known that Hev was a self-harmer her arms where clear of all scars and if she was in real pain she never showed it. Her personality had always been clear of visual blips. She never cried. She never even looked sad. Even now any tears that she was to shed where dried up along with her blood.

“Hev, it’s going to be OK,” I said gently shaking her shoulder to get her eyes to focus on me. “You will get looked after here, they won’t be angry at you.

“Like I care what they think of me Mi. They have no idea what this means to me, or how this feels I couldn’t give a damn if they want to shout at me or not. I don’t cut for them or anyone else.”

It was bull shit. It was a cutters shield that made her hands move in hostile ways. We all cut for someone.  She would have only ever had shit thrown at her about self-harm and to get on with it she made out that she couldn’t feel what other people thought of her but only her mother and fathers words really had the power to knock Hev so far on her ass. She cut for them because they were the ones that made her feel far too much

.

“Leave me alone Mi,” Hev said defeated as she turned to her legs  and started to mop the blood off of her legs with the sheet revealing the holes that now littered her legs like she couldn’t even feel coming from them.

I did what was asked of me without saying another word and left Hev alone in her room. A part of me wanted to just wonder back into my bedroom and put my sheets over my head and let  a member of staff find her as they eventually would but she needed looking after and even though I couldn’t be the one to do it I could do my bit.

I eventually found Esmee in the office doing paperwork about five minutes after I left Hev on her own. She smiled at me though the panel in the door as I knocked and she got to her feet to come and see what I wanted. I wished I could have smiled back at her, that one day I could just be getting her attention because I wanted to tell her that I loved her and not that there was something wrong.

“Hello, Sweet, what can I do for you?” Esmee asked.

“It’s Hev. She needs help.” I said noticing the blood that was dried onto my hands and across my knuckles. “I found her in her room. She’s cut herself.”   

behind twilight

Behind twilight

Emmet landed up calling someone else to cover for me after I sunk back behind my bedroom wall but it was hardly needed as that evening just before the night shift came on the found a doctor that wasn’t so scared of me to allow Emmet to reduce my observations right down to twenty minute checks. It wasn’t what I had been on beforehand and I would have preferred the two hourly observations but it was better than having an unwelcome shadow.

I had not been able to see Hev for the rest of the day though I was anxious to know whether she was OK after what had happened. The problem with Hev even though she was deaf she seemed to have no reason to be in the unit at all. I know she had a story I knew from the first time I saw her distressed state in the corridor that hev wasn’t happy all of the time but she had no physical scars. Her arms where pure untouched peaches and cream and she wasn’t like Pollyanna who was so painfully thin most people found it hard to look at her. She did not talk to the voices in her head or address hallucinations. She was perfectly in contact with reality and if you had the ability to communicate with her in her chosen language she was usually funny ad upbeat. her continued stay in the walls of an acute unit where a mystery to most even to her but she told me she had nowhere else to go apart from her posh boarding school that was refusing to take her back after finding her semi coherent with a belly full of pills.

As soon as I was let off of my observations I went and knocked on twilight which was the room Hev was now in after being moved up from the main floor a few days ago. It was not an easy task. I had tried to avoid the room since Bella had died like I tried to avoid lingering too much in front of Courage I didn’t even like walking past them let alone going in them because since she died nothing about them was right. She had given the rooms life she had breathed something into them and without her they were voids of nothing that tried to suck something out of me every time I was too close to them. It hurt every time I thought of her. Even when I was ok and doing normal things she would just pop into my head and it would feel like I was going to sink though the floor. Most people told you that time made it easier but Emmet had contradicted that when he had caught me one of the times I had fallen. He told me that the feelings stayed as intense and as devastating you just learnt to cope better with them when they hit. And he was right that was how it was like yet I had a long way to go with both Bella and Arabella they both had me on my knees. The trouble was I liked Hev and no matter how much I wanted to run away screaming as I pushed the door open to twilight to see if she was all right and wanted to come and play a game with myself and Esmee if I could grab her after handover.

Nothing could really prepare me for what I saw when I pushed open that door with a wave of my hands and before I could stop myself I let out a little yelp and grabbed the wall to steady myself as I looked at the scene from a horror movie. There first thing to see was the bright red blood that covered Hev’s legs and the blankets that where rolled up around her but more devastating was her. Fun and care free Hev had gone somewhere far away as her dead eyes stared like a zombies into the gashes on her legs before put down the tiny silver blade to the side of her and singed the words I’m sorry as her chest heaved up and down with heavy adrenalin filled breathes. 

On shaking ground

This isn't so good. Please bare in mind this is just a first draft 

I smiled sadly as I allowed Emmets words to comfort me. I suppose I had known it somewhere inside of since the first time Bella found me in the bathroom all those months ago. I had seen it as strength on her part when in fact it had been her illness that made her try and cover the part of me that was so anorexic. She liked anorexia she was letting it control her life and was happy when she found a friend. She fought it and she meant me no harm by not telling she thought she was doing a good thing. There wasn’t a bad bone inside of Bella’s body that would even consider doing anything other but if she had told that day no matter how much it killed me inside she would have been finding me the help that my withering body needed.

“You’re doing really well…” Emmet’s words where cut of midsentence from a smashing noise and a shrill throaty snarl of distress from outside in the corridor that felt like it made the walls shake

“I was going to say that you are doing really well today but that sounds like something that needs checking out.” Emmet smiled as he jumped off of my bed and went to my door followed my myself to see Hev screaming at her smashed up mobile phone on the floor and kicking angrily at the all ready scuffed paint work on the walls.

“What the hell has happened my love?” Emmet asked with his hands after he managed to get her attention at the same time as I asked her what was wrong with mine. Hev’s hands exploded into s flurry of action in return. Most of the words where shouted in with a bunch of expletives but nothing really made any sense and when she was done Emmet looked down at me to see if I had managed to pick up the conversation which I hadn’t.

“Errr… Something about glue sniffing up start penis monkeys…” I said aloud my heart going out to Hev as she started to sob and fall down the wall.

“Yeah that is about as much as I got too” He said before signing to Hev to slow it down what she was saying. She couldn’t slow it down. She was too sad to make her hands form the proper words and her shoulders shook from her tears. I had never seen Hev like she was then. She had never presented anything other than her bubbly self. She had had times of low mood when she wasn’t so eager to get in with things but this was different from that. What was in front of me was devastation and disaster and it made my body hurt to watch

“Come on my love, It’s all right, it’s OK.” Emmet signed gently going over to her and wrapping his arm around her shoulders. I stayed back by the door of my bedroom trying to give them as much space as I could without fully disappearing out of Emmets sight which would have meant he would have to come and get me.

“It’s my parents, I hate them.” I heard Hev say aloud barley eligible through h her tears. I had never heard her actually chose to talk aloud before and even though to me there was something actually beautiful in how she tried to form words even though she couldn’t hear them I could understand why her speech was enough to render her mute rather than try. If there was one thing anyone learnt about being alive in the world it was the fact that people where cruel about things that were different.

“What have your parents done to upset you like this. I take it that they just text you?”

“There extending their trip over Christmas.” Hev singed with her heavy hands even though after the initial outburst of anger they now just looked sluggish and heavy in the way she used then. “They were meant to come back and get me for Christmas so I could get out of here but now there not coming and I’m not even sure where I am going to go. They always do this to me. I am never important enough for them.”

I hated Hev’s parents. It was extreme reaction seems I had never met them before to say that I hated them but that in a way was the point.  Hev loved her mother and her farther, she pretended that they didn’t rule her whole life and she didn’t care what she said but it was lies. She wanted to be their perfect child. She wanted to be everything that they wanted from her and she would cross deserts and swim oceans to do it but they treated her like shit. She was not good enough for their miserable little world. It didn’t mean that she wasn’t good enough, she was, for Emmet for me we saw her beauty but in a way she cared little about us. She had swallowed a packet of pills to try and show her parents she was miserable and she wanted them and they had yet to even see her or make any real contact and now even over Christmas where families where pushed together, even pretend ones like the one I was going to be a part of they decided not to include there daughter in there fun but leave her stranded in a hospital. It was unforgivable, Hev was their gift not their inconvenience.

“I am sorry that has happened Hev. Did they tell you why they had to stay away longer? As for where you will go you will stay here in the hospital with staff for Christmas day with one or two of the other patients and there will be some fun stuff going on I can find out who is working if you want. I know Ava and Alice are on in the morning when you get up.”

Hev didn’t respond instead stayed looking down at her legs her head bowed low over them. Emmet could give her no comfort and in a way he knew it too he could make up words that flowed out from his hands but there was a bit that felt for her like anyone would. There were no words to describe the feelings that went with the fear that the Bears would do it to me and she had just had it crashed upon her. I sulked away behind the bedroom door trying to catch my breath. Things where never as solid as they seemed.