A good moment
“I know it is hard Mi but I will not be doing you any favours if I let you keep scratching at your self your just going to have to learn to trust me.” Esmee said gently pulling the big orange bucket of plaster over to the doctors bench where I was still sitting under the space blankets with the heater on me. I kept having the image float through my head that I was roast dinner.
“I do trust you.” I said almost with out thinking about it. Esmee like Emmet had long ago earned my trust even if this was the first time I admitted it to her.
“At last, this is a good moment.” Esmee smiled her brilliant flashing smile that lit up the whole room and gave every on that warm feeling inside that you get just after you watch a Disney film.
“A good moment, why?” I asked
“ Three months ago you didn’t trust any one, you didn’t talk to any one. Now you trust two people. You have opened up to us and you may not realise it now you just stopped yourself from hurting yourself and stayed in control while doing it.” Esmee said smiling again happy tears glistening in bother her eyes.
“This Mi, Is a fantastic moment!”
Tuesday, 16 November 2010
Friday, 12 November 2010
what do you think of the new lay out?
Hi every one just wondering what you all think of the new look blog hope you all like it.
Super human abilities (Mi's side)
Super human abilities
I leant my heavy head back up against the cold cream colour wall and closed my eyes letting a solitary tear drip out of my right eye and down my face where it come to settle on my feeding tube.
“You look shattered honey. When is the last time you slept the whole night through?”
“Well it wasn’t night but I was pretty soundo when you shoved that stuff in my ass. A few hours ago.”
“I had to do that Mi. I don’t like doing it, but there was no option, there was no ECA or safe place for you to be. You could of seriously hurt your self if we let it continue.”
“I know, but I wish you didn’t. I Hate sleep.” I moaned still keeping my eyes shut but letting my lips curl up at the edges into a smile so Esmee new I wasn’t angry at her for sedating me.
“You seem to hate everything that is good for you.” Esmee sighed. I opened my eye a crack and watched her move off of the bed and over to the cupboards of the clinic and started pulling things out again. When I realised all was safe and well I let my eyes close again
.
“It’s not like that Esmee. It’d hard to explain.” I moaned
“Can you try for me.”
“I think so.” I said trying to rearrange the words that swam lazily around my head into a sentence while I dug at a single place on my hand with my thumbnail until I felt the warm blood under the skin. These seemed to centre my thoughts.
“It’s all about control right. Not eating, cutting , counting. Everything.”
“I guess so.”
“I hate losing control. I know I do, that doesn’t mean I like it. Every time I get manic I try so heard to Calm my self down but I can’t it’s like something In my head is bubbling over. Well I guess sleep is like that apart from I am more bubbling under.”
“Go on .”
I looked for the words to go on to try and make it easier to explain before the float images intruded behind my eyes forcing me to open them. I sighed. This was another reason I hated sleep so much. The creeping figures always came to scare me.
“It’s dangerous when your asleep. All control goes. You can’t control how your body moves, how you think, what happens around you. Any one can hurt you, and then there’s what you dream. The night mares you can get stuck in. They can be more scary then anything being awake can throw at you."
“It scares you.” Esmee observed as she poured water from the hose attachment on the sink into a big orange bucket before throwing in two bandages. I looked at her like there was a possibility that she had lost her mind.
“It’s a plaster cast. You got your one wet and it’s useless now. It’s just for tonight. I will write it in the diary for you to go over to the Fracture clinic tomorrow and get a new one.” Esmee offered with a smile seeing my confusion.
Panic raised in my stomach at the thought of having to go back there and explain so I dug I dug a little harder at the back of my hand with my thumb nail to try and keep my self calm. I didn’t want to go back over to the A and E. I could do with out there judgment and hatred. I hated my self enough.
“Also I would like to point out that I am not an idiot Mi and I know what you are doing under that tinfoil and I would like you to stop.” Esmee added giving me a meaning full stare that was disapproving but not harsh or hateful.
I stopped the scratching immediately and sighed, I should of guessed One Of Esmee’s super human abilities that she seemed to have would have been seeing through apparently opaque objects.
I leant my heavy head back up against the cold cream colour wall and closed my eyes letting a solitary tear drip out of my right eye and down my face where it come to settle on my feeding tube.
“You look shattered honey. When is the last time you slept the whole night through?”
“Well it wasn’t night but I was pretty soundo when you shoved that stuff in my ass. A few hours ago.”
“I had to do that Mi. I don’t like doing it, but there was no option, there was no ECA or safe place for you to be. You could of seriously hurt your self if we let it continue.”
“I know, but I wish you didn’t. I Hate sleep.” I moaned still keeping my eyes shut but letting my lips curl up at the edges into a smile so Esmee new I wasn’t angry at her for sedating me.
“You seem to hate everything that is good for you.” Esmee sighed. I opened my eye a crack and watched her move off of the bed and over to the cupboards of the clinic and started pulling things out again. When I realised all was safe and well I let my eyes close again
.
“It’s not like that Esmee. It’d hard to explain.” I moaned
“Can you try for me.”
“I think so.” I said trying to rearrange the words that swam lazily around my head into a sentence while I dug at a single place on my hand with my thumbnail until I felt the warm blood under the skin. These seemed to centre my thoughts.
“It’s all about control right. Not eating, cutting , counting. Everything.”
“I guess so.”
“I hate losing control. I know I do, that doesn’t mean I like it. Every time I get manic I try so heard to Calm my self down but I can’t it’s like something In my head is bubbling over. Well I guess sleep is like that apart from I am more bubbling under.”
“Go on .”
I looked for the words to go on to try and make it easier to explain before the float images intruded behind my eyes forcing me to open them. I sighed. This was another reason I hated sleep so much. The creeping figures always came to scare me.
“It’s dangerous when your asleep. All control goes. You can’t control how your body moves, how you think, what happens around you. Any one can hurt you, and then there’s what you dream. The night mares you can get stuck in. They can be more scary then anything being awake can throw at you."
“It scares you.” Esmee observed as she poured water from the hose attachment on the sink into a big orange bucket before throwing in two bandages. I looked at her like there was a possibility that she had lost her mind.
“It’s a plaster cast. You got your one wet and it’s useless now. It’s just for tonight. I will write it in the diary for you to go over to the Fracture clinic tomorrow and get a new one.” Esmee offered with a smile seeing my confusion.
Panic raised in my stomach at the thought of having to go back there and explain so I dug I dug a little harder at the back of my hand with my thumb nail to try and keep my self calm. I didn’t want to go back over to the A and E. I could do with out there judgment and hatred. I hated my self enough.
“Also I would like to point out that I am not an idiot Mi and I know what you are doing under that tinfoil and I would like you to stop.” Esmee added giving me a meaning full stare that was disapproving but not harsh or hateful.
I stopped the scratching immediately and sighed, I should of guessed One Of Esmee’s super human abilities that she seemed to have would have been seeing through apparently opaque objects.
Thursday, 11 November 2010
letting go and healing (Mi's side)
I am sorry about deleating thw last chapter called volcano but i read back though the story and it actually made no sence. Mi had actually told Emmet and Esmee about her abuse before so the chapter needed some tweeking and here is the finished vershion. I hope you like this chapter just as much though.
Letting go and healing
“You talk like I can be saved Esmee, like somehow I can be helped? I will never believe you, I am to damaged.” I said shivering a little even though I was under two very large tinfoil blankets and had a heater blowing hot air in my direction.
“Damaged people are dangerous, they know they can survive. Josephine Hart ” Esmee said getting to her feet and pulling the Ear thermometer off of the wall. “It is a good quote.”
“I can’t survive though.” I sighed “I have tried being perfect and it doesn’t work. I am damaged in a bad way, not a romantic way. Something I can’t get back from or change.” I said sadly absentmindedly pulling the hair off of the side of my face so Esmee could put the thermometer in my ear.
Esmee gently smoothed down the side of my wet hair in a rhythmic fashion and smiled in her some what sad way as she held the thermometer in my ear.
“I know what happened to you Mi and though you may think you are damaged but I don’t think you are honey. The people who did this are the damaged. Damaged meaning they are evil and wrong. You are not damaged Mi. You are hurt but still beautiful.”
“I don’t feel beautiful Esmee. I mostly just feel him on me and that doesn’t make me beautiful. That just makes me ugly that I aloud him to do that to me. Esmee I let him have sex with me! I let him shove his hands inside of me and every day it makes me feel sick. He made me give him a blow job just to survive, just to breath, everyday I wish I didn’t. I’m sure death would have been better.”
Esmee’s face was unreadable as she sat with her hand under my tinfoil blanket her fingers locked around mine her thumb gently rubbing over the top of my hands and bumping over the old scars like an ugly patch work blanket.
“I always feel dirty Esmee. I can’t get him off of me. I close my eyes and I see them they are always there. “
“Them?”
“Mum had loads of boyfriend. One night stands and things. But two I remember. Two I was forced to call dad, and both of them seemed to be more sexually interested in me then what they where with my mother.
The first one I think was the worse. Mostly on the account that he is still alive and can still get to me, but he used to display me to. Put me in the middle and rent me out as a sex toy for people.”
I then stopped unable to say any more my breath getting caught in my mouth and my tummy
filling with nausea. I couldn’t think about it any more , I couldn’t think about any of it any more I just wanted out.
“It’s all right. You don’t have to say any more. You have done really well talking to me like that. It’s all part of healing.
Letting go and healing
“You talk like I can be saved Esmee, like somehow I can be helped? I will never believe you, I am to damaged.” I said shivering a little even though I was under two very large tinfoil blankets and had a heater blowing hot air in my direction.
“Damaged people are dangerous, they know they can survive. Josephine Hart ” Esmee said getting to her feet and pulling the Ear thermometer off of the wall. “It is a good quote.”
“I can’t survive though.” I sighed “I have tried being perfect and it doesn’t work. I am damaged in a bad way, not a romantic way. Something I can’t get back from or change.” I said sadly absentmindedly pulling the hair off of the side of my face so Esmee could put the thermometer in my ear.
Esmee gently smoothed down the side of my wet hair in a rhythmic fashion and smiled in her some what sad way as she held the thermometer in my ear.
“I know what happened to you Mi and though you may think you are damaged but I don’t think you are honey. The people who did this are the damaged. Damaged meaning they are evil and wrong. You are not damaged Mi. You are hurt but still beautiful.”
“I don’t feel beautiful Esmee. I mostly just feel him on me and that doesn’t make me beautiful. That just makes me ugly that I aloud him to do that to me. Esmee I let him have sex with me! I let him shove his hands inside of me and every day it makes me feel sick. He made me give him a blow job just to survive, just to breath, everyday I wish I didn’t. I’m sure death would have been better.”
Esmee’s face was unreadable as she sat with her hand under my tinfoil blanket her fingers locked around mine her thumb gently rubbing over the top of my hands and bumping over the old scars like an ugly patch work blanket.
“I always feel dirty Esmee. I can’t get him off of me. I close my eyes and I see them they are always there. “
“Them?”
“Mum had loads of boyfriend. One night stands and things. But two I remember. Two I was forced to call dad, and both of them seemed to be more sexually interested in me then what they where with my mother.
The first one I think was the worse. Mostly on the account that he is still alive and can still get to me, but he used to display me to. Put me in the middle and rent me out as a sex toy for people.”
I then stopped unable to say any more my breath getting caught in my mouth and my tummy
filling with nausea. I couldn’t think about it any more , I couldn’t think about any of it any more I just wanted out.
“It’s all right. You don’t have to say any more. You have done really well talking to me like that. It’s all part of healing.
Friday, 5 November 2010
When tomorrow comes we will try again (Mi's side)
When tomorrow comes we will try again
“Come on Mi I want to get you down to the clinic room OK .” Esmee said getting to her feat and then dragging my reluctant weighed down body with her.
I clutched my fingers into the fabric of Esmee’s top and held my head close to her shoulder wanting to catch the sent of her strawberry shampoo again, but most of all I wanted her not to hate me for all I had done for every time I thought about surviving Apply gate with out her and Emmet I felt my soul die.
When we got to the clinic room Esmee used her card Key and pushed open the door to the clinic. I took my position up onto the doctors bench where I dripped onto the crispy white paper that covered it.
I have always wanted an excuse to use these bloody things.” Esmee smiled as she unlocked a cabinet and pulled out two trays of space blankets before grabbing some and coming over to my bed tearing the plastic with her fingernails and unwrapping the giant tinfoil blankets.
“Here you go.” Esmee smiled wrapping the blankets around me “It looks like I am preparing you do go into the oven Esmee said again before going over to the corner of the room and pulling out a heater which she plugged in and directed towards me. “There you go all roasting.”
I tried to smile back at Esmee but only the rears came again which I tried to brush away with my finger tips. With this Esmee’s smile faded to and she came to sit next to me on the doctors bench.
“Talk to me Honey. I know I triggered you back then I didn’t mean to do that. I was trying to help. If you need to cut we can do somthing there is awlys a way out of it, it just some times takes a while to find”
“I know you hate me now Esmee and I know I have done so much wrong, I just want to get rid of it all, somehow get it out of me or make it numb at least. You couldn’t ever trigger me only I can do that, but know i don't wanrt to cut now. I just want nothing. I have no energy to cut my self."
“How many times do I have to tell you mi? I don’t hate you.”
“Maybe not but I know you have given up on me and I don’t blame you everything I have done, everything I have…”
“Mia listen to me. Esmee said scooting up on the bench and coming close to my body before wrapping her arms around my shoulders and pulling me in close to her. I didn't resist her close to me seemed to do a good job at warming up my soul. It let me know i wasn't alone
“Mi I am not going any where unless it is something out of my control. You can’t scare me off or offend me Ok and by hurting your self I wont go any where or get board or exasperated or what ever because I know what it feels like OK. I know what it is like to be told to stop only to find out you really, really cant. Only to find out what hurts you the most is also the thing that in you head you think keeps you sane and i also know just because you are put into a unit you wont stop hurting you self right away, but I also know that you can stop. soon it will get less and less until one day you will find another way and you wont have I hurt your self any more. Until then we will try and stop you hurting you self but if we don’t manage it we will stitch you up, patch you up, get you to the hospital and then try again tomorrow.
“Come on Mi I want to get you down to the clinic room OK .” Esmee said getting to her feat and then dragging my reluctant weighed down body with her.
I clutched my fingers into the fabric of Esmee’s top and held my head close to her shoulder wanting to catch the sent of her strawberry shampoo again, but most of all I wanted her not to hate me for all I had done for every time I thought about surviving Apply gate with out her and Emmet I felt my soul die.
When we got to the clinic room Esmee used her card Key and pushed open the door to the clinic. I took my position up onto the doctors bench where I dripped onto the crispy white paper that covered it.
I have always wanted an excuse to use these bloody things.” Esmee smiled as she unlocked a cabinet and pulled out two trays of space blankets before grabbing some and coming over to my bed tearing the plastic with her fingernails and unwrapping the giant tinfoil blankets.
“Here you go.” Esmee smiled wrapping the blankets around me “It looks like I am preparing you do go into the oven Esmee said again before going over to the corner of the room and pulling out a heater which she plugged in and directed towards me. “There you go all roasting.”
I tried to smile back at Esmee but only the rears came again which I tried to brush away with my finger tips. With this Esmee’s smile faded to and she came to sit next to me on the doctors bench.
“Talk to me Honey. I know I triggered you back then I didn’t mean to do that. I was trying to help. If you need to cut we can do somthing there is awlys a way out of it, it just some times takes a while to find”
“I know you hate me now Esmee and I know I have done so much wrong, I just want to get rid of it all, somehow get it out of me or make it numb at least. You couldn’t ever trigger me only I can do that, but know i don't wanrt to cut now. I just want nothing. I have no energy to cut my self."
“How many times do I have to tell you mi? I don’t hate you.”
“Maybe not but I know you have given up on me and I don’t blame you everything I have done, everything I have…”
“Mia listen to me. Esmee said scooting up on the bench and coming close to my body before wrapping her arms around my shoulders and pulling me in close to her. I didn't resist her close to me seemed to do a good job at warming up my soul. It let me know i wasn't alone
“Mi I am not going any where unless it is something out of my control. You can’t scare me off or offend me Ok and by hurting your self I wont go any where or get board or exasperated or what ever because I know what it feels like OK. I know what it is like to be told to stop only to find out you really, really cant. Only to find out what hurts you the most is also the thing that in you head you think keeps you sane and i also know just because you are put into a unit you wont stop hurting you self right away, but I also know that you can stop. soon it will get less and less until one day you will find another way and you wont have I hurt your self any more. Until then we will try and stop you hurting you self but if we don’t manage it we will stitch you up, patch you up, get you to the hospital and then try again tomorrow.
my ponderings
My friend like the rest of you reading on here has followed mi from the begining and says she liked it but the otehr day she asked me somthing.
Is it all to much? Did i have to be so graphic and could i of left out the flash back seens. The chapter she was refuring to was when Mi was describing to Esmee when she started to cut, why she did it and how. It felt strange to me out of all of the graphic chapters in my story this is the one she would pick up because i beleave there have bee worse.
This chapter was basicly a page on one of my old journals that was reworded and edited to fit, so in short this was my story and i have never considered it to much.
So i was wondering what you all thought. Iknow you all enjoy this because you wouldn't of followed me over here after it was deleated off fo RYL. (with out any PM from the mods telling me that they had done so. but that is just my own private grumble) Any way to the point though. do other people think that this is all to much. Should i try and fial it all down a bit? Make it all a little sweeter and less real?
Ahh any way private podering over on with the story.
Is it all to much? Did i have to be so graphic and could i of left out the flash back seens. The chapter she was refuring to was when Mi was describing to Esmee when she started to cut, why she did it and how. It felt strange to me out of all of the graphic chapters in my story this is the one she would pick up because i beleave there have bee worse.
This chapter was basicly a page on one of my old journals that was reworded and edited to fit, so in short this was my story and i have never considered it to much.
So i was wondering what you all thought. Iknow you all enjoy this because you wouldn't of followed me over here after it was deleated off fo RYL. (with out any PM from the mods telling me that they had done so. but that is just my own private grumble) Any way to the point though. do other people think that this is all to much. Should i try and fial it all down a bit? Make it all a little sweeter and less real?
Ahh any way private podering over on with the story.
Worse then I hoped for or just what I should of expected (Emmets side)
Worse then I hoped for or just what I should of expected
“Right I believe it is time for dinner.” Crystal snapped as soon as I saw Mi’s face relax even the slightest and right away the panic was zapped back into her face but Crystal was right. It was going to be hard but while Mi was on the build up menu meal times where absolute there was no avoiding them.
“Come on it is OK. I am with you this lunch time. Every meal you will get a partner with you OK Mi. Tonight it is Me.” I of course could of been wrong but I swore I saw her shoulders relaxed a bit as she looked up at me for a second and smiled.
When we got to the dinning room every one was all ready seated apart from the four chairs that where sat empty and waiting for us to fill them.
“Ingrid, Crystal.” Ella shouted from the opposite end of the table. “We thought Emmet had eaten you!”
“All right, All right so I don’t like missing Dinner.” I shouted over the top of the laughing and while the rest of the staff and clients where laughing into there dinner I guided Mi to her chair with the food and handed her a fork.
Mi’s face was suddenly gray and beads of sweet covered over the top of her fore head like suddenly she had developed gastroenteritis and was about to puke her guts up Into her pasta bake. I had to look away before I gave into my urge to drag her down to the clinic room.”
“Emmet she’s fine,“ Esmee said very faintly from over the opposite side of the table so I could only here her. She caught my eyes with a small smile and popped a piece of the pasta in to her mouth before she spotted Bella beside of her out the corner of her eyes trying to shove a fist full of the pasta into her pocket and grabbed hold of her wrist directing the food back to her plate. I saw Bella mime the word fucking bitch out of the corner of her mouth and I had to stop a giggle, she didn’t meant it in a nasty way Bella loved Esmee but when it come to food any one could turn into a “fcking bitch.” Of course it didn’t help that Esmee had turned around and replied “Yeah I know I am a right cow.”
Mi had now gone into her self like I was expecting and was slowly placing tiny pieces of pasta onto her fork before putting them into her mouth and chewing them slowly counting the number of bites whispered through her teeth. This of course would have to be stopped too but not today.; The fact that she was attempting to eat was enough.
“Well done Mi.” I said giving her a wink and gently squeezing her leg under the table. She responded with a smile before forgetting everything else again and taking more tiny bites out if her meal.
“Emmet Eat.” Esmee whispered again from across the them table after sorting Bella out. I looked at her blankly.
“Your food“ She confirmed looking down at her plate that was in front of her before picking up another fork full and putting in into her mouth as if in demonstration of how to eat.
“Of yeah.” I mumbled to my self before grabbing my fork and taking a mouth full of food but before I could repeat the action Esmee had caught my attention again and glanced at Mi next to me.
“I think she’s in trouble. “ Esmee whispered and with that I heard the retching coming from beside of me. This was worse then I had hoped for and she was doing so well to.
“Right I believe it is time for dinner.” Crystal snapped as soon as I saw Mi’s face relax even the slightest and right away the panic was zapped back into her face but Crystal was right. It was going to be hard but while Mi was on the build up menu meal times where absolute there was no avoiding them.
“Come on it is OK. I am with you this lunch time. Every meal you will get a partner with you OK Mi. Tonight it is Me.” I of course could of been wrong but I swore I saw her shoulders relaxed a bit as she looked up at me for a second and smiled.
When we got to the dinning room every one was all ready seated apart from the four chairs that where sat empty and waiting for us to fill them.
“Ingrid, Crystal.” Ella shouted from the opposite end of the table. “We thought Emmet had eaten you!”
“All right, All right so I don’t like missing Dinner.” I shouted over the top of the laughing and while the rest of the staff and clients where laughing into there dinner I guided Mi to her chair with the food and handed her a fork.
Mi’s face was suddenly gray and beads of sweet covered over the top of her fore head like suddenly she had developed gastroenteritis and was about to puke her guts up Into her pasta bake. I had to look away before I gave into my urge to drag her down to the clinic room.”
“Emmet she’s fine,“ Esmee said very faintly from over the opposite side of the table so I could only here her. She caught my eyes with a small smile and popped a piece of the pasta in to her mouth before she spotted Bella beside of her out the corner of her eyes trying to shove a fist full of the pasta into her pocket and grabbed hold of her wrist directing the food back to her plate. I saw Bella mime the word fucking bitch out of the corner of her mouth and I had to stop a giggle, she didn’t meant it in a nasty way Bella loved Esmee but when it come to food any one could turn into a “fcking bitch.” Of course it didn’t help that Esmee had turned around and replied “Yeah I know I am a right cow.”
Mi had now gone into her self like I was expecting and was slowly placing tiny pieces of pasta onto her fork before putting them into her mouth and chewing them slowly counting the number of bites whispered through her teeth. This of course would have to be stopped too but not today.; The fact that she was attempting to eat was enough.
“Well done Mi.” I said giving her a wink and gently squeezing her leg under the table. She responded with a smile before forgetting everything else again and taking more tiny bites out if her meal.
“Emmet Eat.” Esmee whispered again from across the them table after sorting Bella out. I looked at her blankly.
“Your food“ She confirmed looking down at her plate that was in front of her before picking up another fork full and putting in into her mouth as if in demonstration of how to eat.
“Of yeah.” I mumbled to my self before grabbing my fork and taking a mouth full of food but before I could repeat the action Esmee had caught my attention again and glanced at Mi next to me.
“I think she’s in trouble. “ Esmee whispered and with that I heard the retching coming from beside of me. This was worse then I had hoped for and she was doing so well to.
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