The one thing I am sure of
“hmmm, ummm, uhhh.” I mumbled frustrated at my self pissed off that all the words I was forming in my mind where coming out as nothing more then groans and mumbles and little wines.
I squeezed my fingers deep into the matted fur of mister hop and felt the breath increasing in my chest and getting stuck not to mention the nausea in my stomach. I bit down hard on my lip and with the fingers on my plastered hand I dug my nails into the flesh of my other arm. Now I still couldn’t talk and worse of all I wanted to scream again. Just because I couldn’t do anything else and it felt like I might explode if I didn’t do something.
I more yelped then screamed while pushing my body back and forth franticly rocking while burying my head In between my arms and in my utter frustration I throwed My Hop across the floor growling at the same time before picking up the speed of the rocking and squeaking with every breath that escaped from my chest.
“What can I do Emmet?” Esmee mumbled Walking over to me still on her hunches and I felt her delicate fingers smooth through my hair. “You always no what to do Emmet tell me how to make it better for her.” Esmee demanded despretly.
“You do make it better for her honey.” Emmet said crouching down beside her and putting a long arm around her shoulders. “I think she is still in there somewhere Esmee and I think that’s down to you.”
It was entirely down to her. That I was sure of.
Friday, 7 January 2011
Not broken, not yet (Mi's side)
Not broken, not yet
I wanted to talk. I wanted to talk to them more then anything else right then but i couldn't. I had always been happy with my silence before then. I found it easier to contain everything if I didn’t have to monitor what was coming out of my mouth. Even to Emmet and Esmee the two people in the world I held some trust for I still had to watch my mouth with however now was not one of those times. I wanted to speak. I wanted to, no needed to say anything to get them to know I was there. I was Ok That I was not broken, not entirely and i never thought i would say that.
I wanted to talk. I wanted to talk to them more then anything else right then but i couldn't. I had always been happy with my silence before then. I found it easier to contain everything if I didn’t have to monitor what was coming out of my mouth. Even to Emmet and Esmee the two people in the world I held some trust for I still had to watch my mouth with however now was not one of those times. I wanted to speak. I wanted to, no needed to say anything to get them to know I was there. I was Ok That I was not broken, not entirely and i never thought i would say that.
She might not make it (Emmets side)
She might not make it
Mi observed the clinic room with suspicion. By necessity for the equip ment and stuff that was used in it.,this room was the only one in apple gate house that was not disguised as anything other then a hospital and Mi seemed to find this unnerving, until she retched into her hand again that was and the shutters came back up over her eyes.
“There you go.” I said handing Mi one of the cardboard vomit dishes that where found on nearly every surface of a general hospital. Mi retched violently into the bowl taking deep gulping breaths between each one that caused her tee shirt to suck in between the gaps in her ribs. This in turn made me feel kind of sick so I went over to open the window.
“Try and calm your self down Mi. Try and keep it down.” I encouraged after I pulled the window up wide open which was a rare treat when you where in the middle of a heat wave in a hospital where all the other windows opened just a tiny crack at the bottom.
Even with my encouragement the rest of the bit of Mi who was fighting her eating disorder faded and she vomited into the dish that I had given her. Reacting like I always did in this situations I went over perched beside Mi on the doctors bench and pulled her black hair back while trying to ignore the fact I had also managed to pull a fair amount if it out too but failing to hide my grimace any way. It felt like my every move could hurt her in some way.
I watched quietly trying to give as much comfort as possible as Mi retched over and over again her eyes shut tight and her expression one of agony as her body worked to hard to expel the food that It so desperately needed to keep on surviving and at that moment it first dawned on me that Mi might be just to unwell to keep on going That Mi might not survive. That This little Girl of just 15 might die.
Mi observed the clinic room with suspicion. By necessity for the equip ment and stuff that was used in it.,this room was the only one in apple gate house that was not disguised as anything other then a hospital and Mi seemed to find this unnerving, until she retched into her hand again that was and the shutters came back up over her eyes.
“There you go.” I said handing Mi one of the cardboard vomit dishes that where found on nearly every surface of a general hospital. Mi retched violently into the bowl taking deep gulping breaths between each one that caused her tee shirt to suck in between the gaps in her ribs. This in turn made me feel kind of sick so I went over to open the window.
“Try and calm your self down Mi. Try and keep it down.” I encouraged after I pulled the window up wide open which was a rare treat when you where in the middle of a heat wave in a hospital where all the other windows opened just a tiny crack at the bottom.
Even with my encouragement the rest of the bit of Mi who was fighting her eating disorder faded and she vomited into the dish that I had given her. Reacting like I always did in this situations I went over perched beside Mi on the doctors bench and pulled her black hair back while trying to ignore the fact I had also managed to pull a fair amount if it out too but failing to hide my grimace any way. It felt like my every move could hurt her in some way.
I watched quietly trying to give as much comfort as possible as Mi retched over and over again her eyes shut tight and her expression one of agony as her body worked to hard to expel the food that It so desperately needed to keep on surviving and at that moment it first dawned on me that Mi might be just to unwell to keep on going That Mi might not survive. That This little Girl of just 15 might die.
Tuesday, 4 January 2011
Save me twice, What the hell happened. (Mi's side of the story)
Save me twice
It took me a long time to loosen my grip on Esmee and to prise open my tightly closed eyes against the world but when I did I realised somehow they had managed to transfer me from the clinic room to the ECA. Some how they had judged I was worse then usual more of a threat, and I suppose in a way I was. The fact that I cant remember the nauseating face down lift to the clinic room proved that. Had I really now lost my mind? Sophie had never been so real, so alluring, so completely terrifying that I had lost my very presence as a person on planet earth. Sophie had consumed me completely. Esmee somehow had brought me back but still I was scared what if she came back? What if she couldn’t save me twice.
What the hell happened
About five minutes Emmet Swiped his card hey in the ECA door and slipped walked in carrying my pyjamas and Mr hop. I scooted a little bit further away from Esmee as he watched me with interest so only the tips of my fingertips stayed in contact with hers. I was still not brave enough to let go completely. Still not convinced that she was they only thing that was stopping me going crazy.
“How is she?” Emmet asked Esmee setting my belongings down in the corner of the room. “Is she responsive yet? She looks a little better?”
“She hasn’t spook since she has been in the clinic room but she isn’t screaming any more and she is slowly letting go of me now. What ever was frightening her has seemed to have gone now. I haven’t tried to get her to talk to me yet so I am not sure she can or want’s to here us. Have you managed to get hold of doctor Jordan?”
“He is just finishing up at the general hospital but he will come over as soon as he can. He told me to keep her contained in the ECA and keep her at an arms length observation with at least two people in the room with her until he gets back. He isn't sure what happened and needs us to be extra carefule"
“I don’t think that will be all that heard. She hasn’t let go of me yet look her fingers are still touching mine now I’m no sure what she will do if I pull away.”
“Is she hurting you?” Emmet’s voice suddenly went from work mode to frantic full of concern for his wife and her safety.
“Of course she isn’t. I don’t think she has tried to hurt me. She landed a few swips when i was carrying her up here but they wearnt directed at me."
“Then let her stay close for now.” Emmet said the relief in his voice evident.
“I am worried about her Emmet,” Esmee said looping her fingers through mine and sighing. “It looked like she some kind of psychotic brake.”
“I know my love it was scary and I am worried about her to. She has come to far to lose her self now.” Emmet sighed crouching down and picking up Mr Hop into one of his giant hands before coming over and placing it into my lap
“I know we aren’t meant to let her have it but if it makes her feel any safer right now I just don’t care.” Esmee nodded glumly and squeezed my hand a little tighter.
Oh good god what the Hell had I done? Was it really possable i had actually lost my mind?
It took me a long time to loosen my grip on Esmee and to prise open my tightly closed eyes against the world but when I did I realised somehow they had managed to transfer me from the clinic room to the ECA. Some how they had judged I was worse then usual more of a threat, and I suppose in a way I was. The fact that I cant remember the nauseating face down lift to the clinic room proved that. Had I really now lost my mind? Sophie had never been so real, so alluring, so completely terrifying that I had lost my very presence as a person on planet earth. Sophie had consumed me completely. Esmee somehow had brought me back but still I was scared what if she came back? What if she couldn’t save me twice.
What the hell happened
About five minutes Emmet Swiped his card hey in the ECA door and slipped walked in carrying my pyjamas and Mr hop. I scooted a little bit further away from Esmee as he watched me with interest so only the tips of my fingertips stayed in contact with hers. I was still not brave enough to let go completely. Still not convinced that she was they only thing that was stopping me going crazy.
“How is she?” Emmet asked Esmee setting my belongings down in the corner of the room. “Is she responsive yet? She looks a little better?”
“She hasn’t spook since she has been in the clinic room but she isn’t screaming any more and she is slowly letting go of me now. What ever was frightening her has seemed to have gone now. I haven’t tried to get her to talk to me yet so I am not sure she can or want’s to here us. Have you managed to get hold of doctor Jordan?”
“He is just finishing up at the general hospital but he will come over as soon as he can. He told me to keep her contained in the ECA and keep her at an arms length observation with at least two people in the room with her until he gets back. He isn't sure what happened and needs us to be extra carefule"
“I don’t think that will be all that heard. She hasn’t let go of me yet look her fingers are still touching mine now I’m no sure what she will do if I pull away.”
“Is she hurting you?” Emmet’s voice suddenly went from work mode to frantic full of concern for his wife and her safety.
“Of course she isn’t. I don’t think she has tried to hurt me. She landed a few swips when i was carrying her up here but they wearnt directed at me."
“Then let her stay close for now.” Emmet said the relief in his voice evident.
“I am worried about her Emmet,” Esmee said looping her fingers through mine and sighing. “It looked like she some kind of psychotic brake.”
“I know my love it was scary and I am worried about her to. She has come to far to lose her self now.” Emmet sighed crouching down and picking up Mr Hop into one of his giant hands before coming over and placing it into my lap
“I know we aren’t meant to let her have it but if it makes her feel any safer right now I just don’t care.” Esmee nodded glumly and squeezed my hand a little tighter.
Oh good god what the Hell had I done? Was it really possable i had actually lost my mind?
Wednesday, 22 December 2010
Puddle to sedate, Life in a movie, The real monster in sophie, the fight for my soul. (Mi's side of the story)
Once again i appologize about the strang lay out. My blopg hates me :-(
Puddle to sedate.
It took me a while to do what Sophie asked of me. It had been a long time since I had made my self sick at all let alone made my self sick with out the aide of being bent over and forcing my finger back my throat however it was also like riding a bike and it took a mater of minutes before the vomit was gushing up my throat and out of my mouth down over my top and Esmee’s restraining hands and clogging my wind pipe as well so I started chocking.
“Ok…Ok.” Esmee said letting go of my restraint and leaning my body forward So I could vomited more cloudy liquid and bile onto the floor in front of me where it splattered up my trouser legs. The tears also dripped off of my nose to splash onto the floor as well but the panic had stopped now and Sophie seemed more sedated now that the calories where out of me and on to the floor In a puddle of bile and calorie boasting drink.
Life in a movie
Things became fuzzy very quickly after I threw up another time onto the floor. Esmee and Emmet where talking to me gently and I could feel Esmee’s gentle hands rubbing up and down on my back but they seemed to be less intense then usual. Less passionte.
My whole world seemed to collapsed into a slow motion dream sequence like you saw on crappy medical dramas when you saw a doctor pumping on an uncharacteristically beautiful girls chest and she had floated up to the ceiling out of her own body to watch it all happen. To see her own Strangly romantic picture of her death. Where was the vomit and the blood? the sweet and the tears? The sickning snaps as the doctor brok every on her her ribs?
I tried to blink my eyes out of staring onto the floor but they seemed to react in the same slow motion and the tears that dripped out of them eolled to the ground bellow me like gracefull danchers before they landed and bang seemed to echo around the whole room liek thunder.
Then I looked up much to slowly then I would of liked and I saw her dancing around like a pixie or fairy over the other side of the room, jumping up and down betwwen the floor and the white surfaces.
The real monster in Sophie
I of course new realistically that I was hallucinating but on there other hand every tiny bit of this perfect slim ebony haired girl tried to make me think that she was really there. She was to solid to be something that my brain could make up but I also new Sophie belonged only to me and my head alone.
I had seen tiny bits of Sophie before but she was always hazy, always foggy round the edges like she new as well as I did that she didn’t really belong to this world but here she was real. Like she had broken through the barrier of reality it's self to clame me. Every detail precise, right up to the way her chest rose and fell as she breathed and the microscopic hairs on her arms.
Sophie was stunning to behold like this it seemed almost to impossible that my brain could make up such a beauty. Her hair was the darkest Ebony black that hanged straight and shiny mid way down to her back. Her conplection was tanned a sun kissed golden the made her skin almost look like it glowed and her face was just stunning. Her eyes a smouldering hazel. Her nose just the right size to hang over her plump perfect lips however even though she had all of this it was her body that was what stunned me the most. It was more perfect then I thought any body could be. She was so thin there where no lumps, no bumps no flaws at all. Just amazing perfection. The vishion of beauty not even a glossy mag could manage with hours of air brushing.
“I can make you like this Mia. I can give you all this. I can make you so stunning. I can make you pretty. I can make you perfect” Sophie cooed as she twisted her body around to some music that was inaudible to me jumping from the counters to the ground showing every perfect inch of her perfection.
“but I am never good enough for you Sophie.” I sighed
“That’s because you are still so fucking fat you bitch!” Sophie snapped back her face suddenly less pretty, now angry, Furious
“You are fat Mia! you are Ugly and you are stupid who could ever want you who could ever love you?”
Sophie roared her face contorting and turning red in her rage and like that Sophie changed in front of my eyes her body twisting and bubbling and contorting into something different, something evil, something dark and terrifying and they only thing I could do was open my mouth and scream and scream and scream.
The fight for my soul
“Mi, Mi! Look at me baby! Look at me! It’s me It’s Esmee. What’s the matter? where is it hurting? What can I do? Mi please talk to me!”
Esmee was the first face I saw interrupt the monster in front of my eyes and she was screaming almost as loud as me her face streaked wither her own panicked tears and more fell out of her eyes as she shouted.
Esmee like before had come to save me. Come to protect me come as the light to brake through the darkness that unfolded and twisted all around me. Come to protect everything I was and everything I could be. She was my angel
“Esmee!” I yelled suddenly able to find the power of speech again “Oh my god Esmee!” I shouted again launching my self forward and wrapping my arms around her as tight as they would and screwing my hands up into the fabric of her long sleeve blouse and into the skin underneath before burying my face into her chest like some small five year old.
“Esmee I’m scared!” I wailed my tears coming hard and fast vibrating through my whole body before making there escape through my mouth and eyes.
“It all right Honey. I got you, your Ok. I’m here and your safe. No one can hurt you. We wont let any one or anything hurt you.” Esmee soothed holding me tighter into her and rocking me side to side rethmicly in her arms like she was trying to sooth a baby, and in a way I suppose that was what I was right then. I was as terrified as any baby, absolutely petrified at what I had witnessed and I was hurting to. Like something had reached into my chest and dragged out my heart and there was nothing but the emptiness. A void like a black hole that could suck in the stars and they sky and my entire world and I new I had to keep holding on to the only thing that couldn’t be budged by the blackness and the hatred and that was Esmee.
Esmee was everything that the black hole wasn’t. Esmee was everythying that i always thought Sophie was to me. She was sweetness and warmth and light. She was kindness and she was hope and joy and comfort and I new at that moment she was fighting Sophie for my Liberty. She was fighting for my very soul.
Puddle to sedate.
It took me a while to do what Sophie asked of me. It had been a long time since I had made my self sick at all let alone made my self sick with out the aide of being bent over and forcing my finger back my throat however it was also like riding a bike and it took a mater of minutes before the vomit was gushing up my throat and out of my mouth down over my top and Esmee’s restraining hands and clogging my wind pipe as well so I started chocking.
“Ok…Ok.” Esmee said letting go of my restraint and leaning my body forward So I could vomited more cloudy liquid and bile onto the floor in front of me where it splattered up my trouser legs. The tears also dripped off of my nose to splash onto the floor as well but the panic had stopped now and Sophie seemed more sedated now that the calories where out of me and on to the floor In a puddle of bile and calorie boasting drink.
Life in a movie
Things became fuzzy very quickly after I threw up another time onto the floor. Esmee and Emmet where talking to me gently and I could feel Esmee’s gentle hands rubbing up and down on my back but they seemed to be less intense then usual. Less passionte.
My whole world seemed to collapsed into a slow motion dream sequence like you saw on crappy medical dramas when you saw a doctor pumping on an uncharacteristically beautiful girls chest and she had floated up to the ceiling out of her own body to watch it all happen. To see her own Strangly romantic picture of her death. Where was the vomit and the blood? the sweet and the tears? The sickning snaps as the doctor brok every on her her ribs?
I tried to blink my eyes out of staring onto the floor but they seemed to react in the same slow motion and the tears that dripped out of them eolled to the ground bellow me like gracefull danchers before they landed and bang seemed to echo around the whole room liek thunder.
Then I looked up much to slowly then I would of liked and I saw her dancing around like a pixie or fairy over the other side of the room, jumping up and down betwwen the floor and the white surfaces.
The real monster in Sophie
I of course new realistically that I was hallucinating but on there other hand every tiny bit of this perfect slim ebony haired girl tried to make me think that she was really there. She was to solid to be something that my brain could make up but I also new Sophie belonged only to me and my head alone.
I had seen tiny bits of Sophie before but she was always hazy, always foggy round the edges like she new as well as I did that she didn’t really belong to this world but here she was real. Like she had broken through the barrier of reality it's self to clame me. Every detail precise, right up to the way her chest rose and fell as she breathed and the microscopic hairs on her arms.
Sophie was stunning to behold like this it seemed almost to impossible that my brain could make up such a beauty. Her hair was the darkest Ebony black that hanged straight and shiny mid way down to her back. Her conplection was tanned a sun kissed golden the made her skin almost look like it glowed and her face was just stunning. Her eyes a smouldering hazel. Her nose just the right size to hang over her plump perfect lips however even though she had all of this it was her body that was what stunned me the most. It was more perfect then I thought any body could be. She was so thin there where no lumps, no bumps no flaws at all. Just amazing perfection. The vishion of beauty not even a glossy mag could manage with hours of air brushing.
“I can make you like this Mia. I can give you all this. I can make you so stunning. I can make you pretty. I can make you perfect” Sophie cooed as she twisted her body around to some music that was inaudible to me jumping from the counters to the ground showing every perfect inch of her perfection.
“but I am never good enough for you Sophie.” I sighed
“That’s because you are still so fucking fat you bitch!” Sophie snapped back her face suddenly less pretty, now angry, Furious
“You are fat Mia! you are Ugly and you are stupid who could ever want you who could ever love you?”
Sophie roared her face contorting and turning red in her rage and like that Sophie changed in front of my eyes her body twisting and bubbling and contorting into something different, something evil, something dark and terrifying and they only thing I could do was open my mouth and scream and scream and scream.
The fight for my soul
“Mi, Mi! Look at me baby! Look at me! It’s me It’s Esmee. What’s the matter? where is it hurting? What can I do? Mi please talk to me!”
Esmee was the first face I saw interrupt the monster in front of my eyes and she was screaming almost as loud as me her face streaked wither her own panicked tears and more fell out of her eyes as she shouted.
Esmee like before had come to save me. Come to protect me come as the light to brake through the darkness that unfolded and twisted all around me. Come to protect everything I was and everything I could be. She was my angel
“Esmee!” I yelled suddenly able to find the power of speech again “Oh my god Esmee!” I shouted again launching my self forward and wrapping my arms around her as tight as they would and screwing my hands up into the fabric of her long sleeve blouse and into the skin underneath before burying my face into her chest like some small five year old.
“Esmee I’m scared!” I wailed my tears coming hard and fast vibrating through my whole body before making there escape through my mouth and eyes.
“It all right Honey. I got you, your Ok. I’m here and your safe. No one can hurt you. We wont let any one or anything hurt you.” Esmee soothed holding me tighter into her and rocking me side to side rethmicly in her arms like she was trying to sooth a baby, and in a way I suppose that was what I was right then. I was as terrified as any baby, absolutely petrified at what I had witnessed and I was hurting to. Like something had reached into my chest and dragged out my heart and there was nothing but the emptiness. A void like a black hole that could suck in the stars and they sky and my entire world and I new I had to keep holding on to the only thing that couldn’t be budged by the blackness and the hatred and that was Esmee.
Esmee was everything that the black hole wasn’t. Esmee was everythying that i always thought Sophie was to me. She was sweetness and warmth and light. She was kindness and she was hope and joy and comfort and I new at that moment she was fighting Sophie for my Liberty. She was fighting for my very soul.
Laptop is back and ready to go
As Promised there will be a stream of new updates now my laptop is feeling all shinny and new again.
I hope you all like i am not really sure about the above chapters? What do you think? to wiered?
I hope you all like i am not really sure about the above chapters? What do you think? to wiered?
Thursday, 2 December 2010
laptop trouble.
I am sorry i now have laptop trouble. I knocked one of the keys off of the keybord and aparantly it is going to take them to the 20th december to repair the bloody thing. I am really not happy. I adore my laptop. Any way seemes my laptop is where i write andf save my story there is going to be a considarable drop in the updates to my storys. Saying that i hope to still do a few.
I do hope every one stays intrested over this time and i will start writng as soonn as i can.
Thank you.
I do hope every one stays intrested over this time and i will start writng as soonn as i can.
Thank you.
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