(Esmee) I wil remember (Mi's side)

I will remember

I had no plan to the way in witch I would end my life. All I new was it had to be quick with no waiting around and it had to be a sure fire way. People found you with overdoses and cut wrists. Hanging was a good bet but I had no where to go it that wasn’t in public view and diving off of high things had the same problem. All I did know was I had one stop to make before I left. I had one goodbye that I could not do with out saying. My mum and dad needed to know that I loved them and I needed to see there face just one more time so I could make sure I remembered every detail about them. I wanted to see Mia too but I new if I set my eyes on my perfect daughters face I wouldn’t be able to follow with the rest of my plan and I had all ready made up my mind. She would be OK. She had the most amazing farther in the world and though I wouldn’t be there, a mummy who loved her to the ends of the earth. Also there was no need to see her again to remember her face properly. Her picture was permanently tattooed onto my heart, it belonged to her.

I got to my parents house quickly and stood outside trying to catch my breath. I wanted to enter composed and OK I wanted them to think that I was just passing by and I was popping in to say hello, not popping in to say good bye. I would have to find a way while I was in there to tell them that I loved them and that they made the best parents in the whole world, that they gave me everything and what I was going to do was not there fault. I also had to find a way of telling them that I was sorry, because I was, more sorry then they would ever know.

I scanned my eyes over the front of the house and tried to draw it as a picture in my head. This was my first proper home and I wanted to remember every little bit of it because here is where I would remember every one being. Remember the good bits. Like all the last two Christmases where we all sat in their little front room together, mum and dad on the sofa and Emmet in the chair with myself draped over him. Little Mia was there too of course the first time round in her swinging crib as she was just two months old , the second In a big box on the floor buried under a mound of Christmas paper and her third sat on top of Emmet’s head bashing him over and over with a toy drum stick. It pained me slightly to think of this years as I new I wouldn’t be there. Saying that there had only ever been enough seating for three, and i didn't belong so fully in Emmets arms any more.

Not bothering to knock on the front door because I always got told off if I did anyway I twisted the handle and let my self into the familiar sunshine yellow hall way my face in an uncomfortable smiling mask; I wouldn’t be able to stay long, it would hurt to much.

“hi, mum, Hi dad” I called up the hall so I didn’t startle them. It was good that t it was one of the days that dad didn’t work. the plan would worke better if they where both there, that way they could comfort each other whne it happened, remind each other of their daughters last words, so they remembered that i loved them. I know it woul still hurt them, but maybe not as much.

“Esmee, darling!” Mum shouted as she emerged into the hall way, her arms out stretched to embrace me but the soon fell back to her sides like she had seen a ghost. “Esmee…What on earths that matter?” She asked taking one look at my face before running up to me and placing her hands on my shoulders.

I hadn’t realised it till now but as I had been running to get here I must have been crying as well. I had been aware of a wet and sticky annoyance on my face but hadn’t made the connection to what it was. It now became obvious that they where tears and there aftermath on my face had betrayed me.

“I’ve left him mum.” I squeaked the tears coming back to clog up my throat.

“Left who?” My mum asked confused, it seemed completely ridicules to her, it would seem completely ridicules to most, every one said we where the most in love couple that they new and I suppose in a way that was true still. I had trapped him for to long though; I had to set him free.

“Emmet mum.” I said my voice braking as the same pain whipped up through my body again. “I have trapped him for to long and I’m not good enough for him. I have been to much for him.” I wept holding my face in my hands my soul crushing it’s self.

“Plus I don’t think he really loves me any more.” I stuttered almost wailing.

I wanted my mother to lean forward and wrap her arms around me. I wanted her soft voice, I wanted her passion. I wanted her to tell me that it was OK and that we would get through it. I wanted her to tell me that my life was still worth living. That it would be possible to survive with out him. I know it was stupid after I had so fully made up my mind to die but I wanted her to tell me to live, but this did not happen and my whole body went ridged as her voice became sterner instead of softer,
“Oh Esmee.” She huffed you know that isn’t true, You silly girl.”

(Esmee) My love wasn't enough (Mi's side)

My love wasn’t enough.

You gave it all into the call
You took a chance and
You took the fall for us,

You took my hand and added a plan
You gave me your heart

　

Sia, my love

Without saying another word I threw open the car door and got out onto the street and started walking away. That was it all over in the space of seconds. Years and years of love and adoration extinguished; as easy as blowing out a candle. I knew it was stupid, I knew that there should have been a way to do something but my whole body hurt with what he said. I didn’t want to be someone else’s silly girl and it didn’t mater if we had been married for five years or five minutes if that is what I had become to him…it was over.

“Esmee, wait, stop! I am sorry” I heard Emmet yell behind me but the words didn’t mean anything and there was nothing to say. I know he didn’t mean to hurt me and I new he was a good man and all along I new I hadn’t been good enough for him. I new it couldn’t last and finally in once second of lost control he had said what he really thought.

I had no idea where I was going to go or any idea how a divorce really worked I never thought I would have to go through one. When I said I will I had truly meant it. I loved no other the way I loved him, the way I still loved him. The brake up of are marriage was not to punish him, it was to save him. My love wasn’t enough.
“Esmee where are you going? Wait!” Emmet shouted grabbing hold of my arm and yanking me around to look at him. He looked hurt but not as hurt as me, he also looked sorry but to change my mind would have been wrong. all of this was for him.

“I going away. I don’t want to be your silly girl Emmet.” I sighed two tears dribbling down over my face at the same time as his fell over his. I wondered if we both cried for the same reason but if we did there wouldn’t of been any reason to cry. If he loved me like he used to I would of stayed.

“Esmee I am sorry. Come back to the car, lets go home.”

“I no longer have one. It’s over Emmet, gone.”

“What do you mean? You are my wife Esmee, Sickness and in health,. Death do us part.” Emmet whined more tears falling over his cheeks in time with mine. I put my hand up and held the side of his face and forced my self to smile at him.

“Don’t cry my baby. I was never good enough for you. I was never “in health” and I never to hurt you.” I whispered the tears in my throat stopping from talking properly.


“Don’t go Esmee, don’t leave you know I am nothing with out you!” Emmet begged

“I’m sorry.” and with that I turned from him and begin running up the road as fast as my legs could carry me. In this road was where my story started and in this road it would end. I would not devoice Emmet there was no need to. Instead I would just bring the death do us part thing forward a bit.

 

(Esmee) Silly girl (mi's side)

Silly girl
“I’m sorry what?” Emmet asked shaking me off of his shoulder while turning his body so he could look at me. His eyes seemed hurt like I had just turned around d and told him that I had an affair with another block.
“Don’t look at me like that. It looks like I have done something wrong.”

“You have!” Emmet shouted more loudly then I think he intended to; he seemed shocked with him self.

“What?” I stuttered confused. “How is the fact that I got adopted my fault?” I asked shaking my head confused. I felt my anger burning somewhere deep inside of my self. He always told me that I could tell him anything yet when I did he reacted this way. Frustrated I snapped the elastic band around my wrist twice.

“You never told me! I have been married to you for five years, been your boyfriend for seven, known you for ten yet you decided not to tell me something so important!”

“How’s it important to you?” I shouted

“It is important to you! By default I find it important too. Why don’t you get that you silly girl!”

The tears sprang into my eyes suddenly as the last words to slip from his lips ripped through my body just like he had actually spitted a mouth full of tiny blades all over me at a hundred miles an hour. The blades got every bit of skin, every organ, every bone before finishing off with my soul. Was that really he saw me too? After all these years trying to become something, trying to stop those words from intimidating me and haunting me he was going to shout me down with the same sentence that used to be uttered to me all the time; The same sentence that used to drive me insane.

Why did you say that? Silly girl
Why do you think that? Silly girl
Why are you doing that? Silly girl
Silly girl
Silly girl
Silly girl

(Esmee) I remember when i broke (Mi's side)

I remember when I broke.

“You hurt your self so they couldn’t? You made your self thin because they wanted you to be exactly like her.”

“Kind of. The eating was different though. The eating was for me. No one made me start restricting Emmet. I did that, no one ever told me I was fat.”

“I should know your answers Esmee. It makes me bad at my job to ask you but I would never of learned half of the things I do now that help so many people if they had not come from you. So at the risk of sounding an uncaring twit, why then; Why did you stop eating? Most people stop because they think they are fat.”

“I was never fat. I told the unit that story; I told every one that story.” I sighed letting my mind wonder back to the time I was sat in the offices of all the professionals each one wanting to attack my issues in a different
way. Each one saying they could help, when all each one did was inspire me to get thinner.

“I got thin simply because I could. I was good at it, it was that simple. I did it better then every one, even Julie. When I was a teenage and I was getting into a size 8 when she could barley get into a ten, it made her angry. It was something she couldn’t do better then me and It was something she wanted. When it come to the hunger games, I won.

“That’s the only reason why?”

“No.” I sighed resting my head against Emmet’s arm smiling though my tears still fell soaking into his light blue top. “There is so much about me that you still don’t know. There are still times when I feel like I am still so broken.”

“Your not broken darling, Emmet said bending his head down and kissing me on top of the head “You have been hurt but your not broken.”

“I think I am because I remember when I broke. I can remember how it felt and it felt like braking it felt worse then braking any bone. It felt like someone picked me up and tore me into little bits. I broke properly for the first time when my parents sat me down and told me I was adopted.

(Esmee) Julie (Mi's saide) *ediedt to make it consistant*

Julie
“For as long as I can remember the Franks have always been a huge part of are family’s life. Each others family spending more time other each others houses then they did there own. They new each other almost fifteen years before they had me and when they did finally bring me home still all new and wrinkly it was of course the Franks that my parents turned to for there parenting advice.
Also as far back as I can remember my parents always used to go out on the first Friday night of every month for a dance class. So naturally they needed a baby sitter for me as well and once again the Franks stepped up to the plate volunteering Julie their own teenage daughter for the job. My parents obviously took this up immediately. Julie was someone that they could trust. She was gentle and kind and always interested in looking after me when they took me over to their house for the evening. Of course another pro was she was very cheap. Open Access to a well stocked fridge and a couple quid thrown her way was all she asked for. Julie on paper was perfect. There would have been no reason for my parents ever to look any where else for my child care. I was always fed, bathed and in bed sleeping before they came home, Always happy.”
I said stiffly through my tears as I remembered the details of Julies face.

“Julie was truly a stunning beauty to behold. A real life Barbie silky long platinum hair shat she worse lose. An long face complete with button nose and sparkling liquid sapphire eyes that shined so brightly. Julie could of probably murdered the entire nabourhod and got away with it with her looks alone, but she was a good wholesome girl as well. Straight A’s in every subject, always home by the time set by her parents. Julie was perfect.” I smiled even though the tears made a constant track down the side of my face.

“Sounds like I had a great childhood right? A mother and farther who adored me. Two others that treated me like there own and a babysitter that was perfect in everything she did. I should of grown up happy, perfect, with good grades and social skills. I should have had friends coming out of my ears. That’s what every one expected, that’s what I tried to give to them but when I grew older I could never be like the Julie mini me that they wanted. I am glad I was never like her, but I was the only one that ever saw the monster in her because in reality that’s what she was. I suffered almost every kind of abuse you can think of when I was in the care of Julie but the worst thing she did was turn me against my self. Time the end, I was the hunter and the pray.

(Esmee) Diasy way road (Mi's side)

Daisy way road

With out thinking what I was really about to do turned on the engine and made my way out of the car park turning in the wrong direction for home when I reached the junction.

I had no plan, no script and even if there was one I would have no good way of delivering the lines. I had nothing but I did know where I was going. I was going back to the start. I was going back to where it all began.

It did not take me long to get to where I was going. It was just a road close to where my parents lived. There was nothing practically noticeable about the street. In fact it was quite unnoticeable. A place where nothing ever really happened. A place that you would feel comfortable walking down even in the dead of night. A place where the white semi detached buildings competed over the best hanging baskets in the Summer. A place where expensive four by fours made there appearance in the drive ways as a status symbol. There was nothing dark or strange about Daisy Way road. Yet still this was where the story began. Outside number 32.
“Ok this is a nice street. Is there a reason we are here ?” Emmet asked cautiously looking over at me like there was a possibility that I might have lost my mind completely.

“Who do you think lives in that house Emmet?” I asked gently flashing my eyes towards the front of number 32. It was like every other house on the street looking at it with a strangers eyes. Maybe too many clashing colours in the hanging baskets and the lawn looked like it could do with being cut again. Maybe a new fishing garden gnome as the one there didn’t have a fishing rod any more to dip into the expensive new pond complete with fountain.

“What?” Emmet questioned looking confused as he gazed at my defensive posture my hands still glued to the steering wheel. My back not touching the seat. Ready to drive off at any second if the daemons that where only visible to me arose.
“What’s going on Esmee. I think we should go home.”

“I’m not mad Emmet. I promise. This has meaning. Just play the game for me.”

“An elderly couple.” Emmet said sighing caving into my demands. “Grown up children. No grandchildren.”

“ The house belongs to Mr And Mrs franks. Both in there mid to late sixty’s and both good friends with my parents. They are kind old people really. House proud of course and always desperate to keep up with the rest of the street, but they are good people who treated me well as I grew up. Helping me with home work never missing a Christmas or birthday. These would be two more people I hurt if I tell my story.” I said blankly sneaking a peek over to look at Emmet’s face. He just looked stunned.

“My parents are still best friends with the franks, and so they should be. If I speak out I tare a forty year old relationship apart. In fact I would probably turn it into a war.” I said looking away from the house and swallowing hard a single tear dripping down over my cheek on the left side.

“I would hurt all four of them and worse still I would hurt you.” I stuttered my bottom lip quivering slightly as I blinked away two more tears from my eyes. Each escaping elegantly down over my face.

“Shhh, don’t cry my baby. Don’t cry.” Emmet soothed un doing his seat belt and turning towards me, reaching up to my face with his fingertips to brush the tears away that gathered again in my eyes as I gripped harder onto the steering wheal and stared straight to keep my emotions in check. I new if I caught one glimpse of Emmet’s face I would melt.

“Do you still want to know my secret Emmet?” I squeaked

“Yes. I want to know everything about you. I want to know what every one of your scars are for. Why you have cried every tear. I want to know all the things you fear. I don’t care if it hurts me. There is no torture known to man that could hurt me more then knowing that someone or something is hurting you.”

“Ok, then let me tell you a story.”

(Esmee) Survive for your self (Mi's side) *edited slightly*

Survive for your self
I smiled gently and closed my eyes breathing in deeply through my nose. Before lifting my hands up and removing his from my face. Holding them down by my sides.

“What do you think it would Change Emmet?” I asked opening my eyes again smiling sadly up into his face. “I would just hurt you, hurt my parents, hut everyone and it was all so long ago why would I say anything?” I asked turning my had still in his to walk towards the car again.

 "You know the answer to that as well as I do.”

“No I don’t. I know why it is important to get a teenager to admit that a member of there family raped them. I know why it is so important to get a chid to admit that there parents are physically abusing them but I have no idea as to why myself, a twenty seven year old women who Is settled into a good job with a good life with a loving husband and an amazing daughter would tell when all I know is whatever I would have to say would hurt them. Emmet not knowing is better.”

“Anyone who ever hurt you need’s to be punished. The rules and the reasons are the same Esmee and even if you did hurt me it wouldn’t matter as long as it got the person in the wrong brought to justice.” Emmet said gently as we got to where his car was parked and he slipped into the passenger side as I swiped his keys from his belt so I could drive. He still looked a little green to be behind the weal.

“I got sick Esmee because she looked exactly like you lying there in that bed.” Emmet said his eyes boring into the side of my face as I tried to stare out of the wind screen ignoring his face;
“Beaten up, broken, barely human under all the machinery that did what your body couldn’t any more. They told me it would be nothing short of a miracle if you made it through the night let alone any longer.The person that hurt you amost killed you by doing what they did. They made you hate your self so much you tried to take your life. That's why they need to be punished. With every suicide there is almost alwyas a murder commeted at the same time." Emmet sighed.

“I am here aren’t I Emmet.” I said stealing a glance over at him before going back to altering the seat so I could actually reach the pedals. His face was still white and drawn out. It seemed by trying to protect him i was hurting him any way.

“I know, you say all the time. You survived for me, and every time all I really want to say is, you need to survive for your self.”