This is why
Emmet Carried me to my old bedroom in my parents house and lied me down on the still somewhat familiar bed. My parents had not changed my room much from the time I had left when I was 16, they always expected me to return to it after my stay at the hospital but I never had. I stayed in the hospital for nearly two years and when I finally got to leave more to the fact I was too old to stay rather then I made much progress i went in to supported housing for a few months before to there utter surprise and deep concern I moved in with Emmet. It was with him I finally started to make progress and get better. After all of this though my parents still kept my room open for me saying they wanted me to know that I always had a home with them.
“This is why Emmet,” I said gently looking around the room and smiling before breathing in deeply so I could smell the fabric conditioner that mum used on her sheets, it had always been a comforting smell to me.
“what is why?” Emmet asked gently stroking his fingers through my hair
“Why I could never look at my adoption file or even tell you that I was adopted, look at this room and what do you see? I see a home, my home and it is here in this house with my mum and my dad who taught me how to walk and talk and kept a damn height chart of me on their door frame. Hell I even caught my mum trying to make a mark of my height on there a few days ago and i’m twenty seven years old. “ I said laughing “All of this is here with them. For some reason I can’t see my birth mother having a height chart of me on the door frame of her house or have a room all set up for me if I ever wanted to come home.”
“I understand that I really do, I know you love your mum to bits even when you hate her but have you never wanted to know your birth mothers name or what she looked like, why she couldn’t keep you?” Emmet asked gently while he tried to prop my legs up on some cushions at the end of my bed.
“Of course I want to know Emmet but how could I do that to my mum and dad? It’s like saying you weren’t good enough and it isn’t true, they where amazing parents. Yes they made mistakes but what parent hasn’t? I know we have made a few and I am sure we will make a few more before Mia grows old. This is the biggest thank you I can give them Emmet, by not looking at that file I am confirming to them that they are the only parents I could ever want or wish for.” I said before turning my head to the right and seeing my mother standing silently at the door, she had heard everything I had just said
Friday, 13 May 2011
(Esmee) I will look after you (Mi's side)
I will look after you
“This journey, it is never ending, don’t get me wrong Em I am inclined to agree with you, it really would be worth making no matter how long it was if it had an end, but I have news for you, it never ends.”
“Then we will just enjoy the ride won’t we.” Emmet whispered splashing water up onto my other leg while dabbing away the dried blood gently with the towel trying to reveal the cuts underneath so he could examine each one with care pushing the edges together with his fingers.
My upper body shook violently in irregular spasms as my leg other leg become clear of all dried blood and the full damaged was revealed. There must have been over fifty of them, some of them no bigger then a paper cut others longer and deeper that gapped open ever so slightly at the edges each one different from the other in some way with only one connection to link them all together, I was their creator.
“I feel a bit sick.” I moaned tearing my eyes away from the cuts that littered my legs and looking back over my shoulder only to be greeted by my congealed blood that had gathered in to sticky almost black puddles on the tiles.
“Oh hell,” I urged pulling my heavy body back out of the bath and over to the toilet where I threw up painfully.
“Ok, it’s all right.” Emmet soothed joining me on his hands and knees so he could rub my back gently and offer comfort. “Your doing OK, it’s all going to be fine.”
“I feel like shit.” I groaned resting my head against the toilet seat and closing my eyes to try and block everything out.
“Your bound to baby, you have been through a lot but I’m here now, I will look after you.” Emmet comforted gently before he got to his feet and bent down picking my up into his protective arms and carrying me out of the bathroom.
“This journey, it is never ending, don’t get me wrong Em I am inclined to agree with you, it really would be worth making no matter how long it was if it had an end, but I have news for you, it never ends.”
“Then we will just enjoy the ride won’t we.” Emmet whispered splashing water up onto my other leg while dabbing away the dried blood gently with the towel trying to reveal the cuts underneath so he could examine each one with care pushing the edges together with his fingers.
My upper body shook violently in irregular spasms as my leg other leg become clear of all dried blood and the full damaged was revealed. There must have been over fifty of them, some of them no bigger then a paper cut others longer and deeper that gapped open ever so slightly at the edges each one different from the other in some way with only one connection to link them all together, I was their creator.
“I feel a bit sick.” I moaned tearing my eyes away from the cuts that littered my legs and looking back over my shoulder only to be greeted by my congealed blood that had gathered in to sticky almost black puddles on the tiles.
“Oh hell,” I urged pulling my heavy body back out of the bath and over to the toilet where I threw up painfully.
“Ok, it’s all right.” Emmet soothed joining me on his hands and knees so he could rub my back gently and offer comfort. “Your doing OK, it’s all going to be fine.”
“I feel like shit.” I groaned resting my head against the toilet seat and closing my eyes to try and block everything out.
“Your bound to baby, you have been through a lot but I’m here now, I will look after you.” Emmet comforted gently before he got to his feet and bent down picking my up into his protective arms and carrying me out of the bathroom.
Monday, 9 May 2011
(Esmee) A journy woth making (Mis side)
A journey worth making
“Wow, it’s all right honey bear, it’s all right sweet heart.” Emmet hushed sympathetically putting his arm around my shoulder and holding me close. He had no idea why I was crying, he truly didn’t mind looking after me like I was on of the units patients; he truly didn’t mind doing anything for me.
I tried to control my crying quickly, I didn’t want to cry here no matter how bad I felt, I just wanted this bit over with once my legs where under bandages I could start to try and forget about them but right here right now they where very real, like a giant pulsing neon sign showing just how much I had lost control of my actions.
“I’m fine.” I stuttered holding my breath to keep back the tears “Lets just get this done with.” I moaned starting to wash off the blood on the other leg roughly making the cuts start to bleed again.
“Wow, wow, gentle,” Emmet said taking hold of my hands “You’re going to hurt your self doing it like that.”
“Oh and wouldn’t that be a tragedy!” I chirped sarcastically turning my head away so Emmet couldn’t see the tears fall from my eyes again.
“Yes, it would be, to cause you any unnecessary pain is a tragedy.” Emmet confirmed cupping one of his hands around the side of my face and pulling it back to look at his while wiping the tear drops off with his thumb.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for everything.” I whispered barley audible as more fresh tears took over me and fell down over my cheeks
“Esmee, this is bad OK, your right, you cut a lot here, more then you have done in a long time but it isn’t the end of the world. Don’t get me wrong I never want you to harm your self but I except that sometimes it happens and it has so don’t beat your self up about it. Lets patch these up and work on not letting it happen again. You can still beat self harm Esmee, so you might hit some bumps along the way, No one ever said the journy would be flawless or easy easy, but what I can tell you with out any doubt it is one worth making.”
“Wow, it’s all right honey bear, it’s all right sweet heart.” Emmet hushed sympathetically putting his arm around my shoulder and holding me close. He had no idea why I was crying, he truly didn’t mind looking after me like I was on of the units patients; he truly didn’t mind doing anything for me.
I tried to control my crying quickly, I didn’t want to cry here no matter how bad I felt, I just wanted this bit over with once my legs where under bandages I could start to try and forget about them but right here right now they where very real, like a giant pulsing neon sign showing just how much I had lost control of my actions.
“I’m fine.” I stuttered holding my breath to keep back the tears “Lets just get this done with.” I moaned starting to wash off the blood on the other leg roughly making the cuts start to bleed again.
“Wow, wow, gentle,” Emmet said taking hold of my hands “You’re going to hurt your self doing it like that.”
“Oh and wouldn’t that be a tragedy!” I chirped sarcastically turning my head away so Emmet couldn’t see the tears fall from my eyes again.
“Yes, it would be, to cause you any unnecessary pain is a tragedy.” Emmet confirmed cupping one of his hands around the side of my face and pulling it back to look at his while wiping the tear drops off with his thumb.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for everything.” I whispered barley audible as more fresh tears took over me and fell down over my cheeks
“Esmee, this is bad OK, your right, you cut a lot here, more then you have done in a long time but it isn’t the end of the world. Don’t get me wrong I never want you to harm your self but I except that sometimes it happens and it has so don’t beat your self up about it. Lets patch these up and work on not letting it happen again. You can still beat self harm Esmee, so you might hit some bumps along the way, No one ever said the journy would be flawless or easy easy, but what I can tell you with out any doubt it is one worth making.”
Sunday, 8 May 2011
(Esmee) How did it come to this? (Mi's side)
How did it come to this?
“don’t ever talk like that! Ever , I mean it.” I stuttered trying to imagine my husbands own suicide. It made no sense, even with out me he was amazing he needed to be here, he needed to keep on living above everything.
“I’m not going anywhere.” He whispered gently bowing his head down close to mine so are forehead’s touched together, “I am yours forever.”
“I’m yours too.”
“Can I sort your legs out now?”
I sighed knowing the time had to come. I wanted to forget what I had done and hoped that if I had just stayed there long enough what I had done would be erased somehow but it hadn’t and the time had come to take responsibility for my actions again.
“I am sorry, I have really messed up this time.” I whispered ashamed as I uncurled my body and sat up revealing the damage to my legs. They where a mess of jagged slices none of them to deep to hurt but all of them enough to leave a mark and there where loads, more then I had done for over five years.
“Oh darling,” Emmet soothed sympathetically looking at me legs as he got to his feet and turned the taps on over the bath tub. He was also covered in my bloody from where he lay on the floor. I had not felt so small for a long time, this was not the actions of the independent professional women I had tried to become but the out of control teenager that I once was; the out of control teenager I had fort so hard to let go.
“I think the best thing for you to sit on the edge of the bath with your legs in the tub that way I can bath them off better.” Emmet instructed giving me his hand to help pull me up from the floor.
I did as I was told with out question and in silence biting down on my lip to stop me from bursting into tears again; I felt so degraded, I was a teenager the last time he had done this I never though all those years later it would come back again. How had it come to this?
“I am sorry if this hurts.” Emmet said again softly leaning over the bath and sponging off my legs with a wet towel trying to remove all the dried blood to reveal the real damage underneath. Each new cut that became apparent felt like it cut me all over again as the water turned a dirty brown colour from all of the blood until finally after the devastation of my right leg was completely revealed I couldn’t hold back my tears any longer and they erupted from my chest in a heavy sob.
“don’t ever talk like that! Ever , I mean it.” I stuttered trying to imagine my husbands own suicide. It made no sense, even with out me he was amazing he needed to be here, he needed to keep on living above everything.
“I’m not going anywhere.” He whispered gently bowing his head down close to mine so are forehead’s touched together, “I am yours forever.”
“I’m yours too.”
“Can I sort your legs out now?”
I sighed knowing the time had to come. I wanted to forget what I had done and hoped that if I had just stayed there long enough what I had done would be erased somehow but it hadn’t and the time had come to take responsibility for my actions again.
“I am sorry, I have really messed up this time.” I whispered ashamed as I uncurled my body and sat up revealing the damage to my legs. They where a mess of jagged slices none of them to deep to hurt but all of them enough to leave a mark and there where loads, more then I had done for over five years.
“Oh darling,” Emmet soothed sympathetically looking at me legs as he got to his feet and turned the taps on over the bath tub. He was also covered in my bloody from where he lay on the floor. I had not felt so small for a long time, this was not the actions of the independent professional women I had tried to become but the out of control teenager that I once was; the out of control teenager I had fort so hard to let go.
“I think the best thing for you to sit on the edge of the bath with your legs in the tub that way I can bath them off better.” Emmet instructed giving me his hand to help pull me up from the floor.
I did as I was told with out question and in silence biting down on my lip to stop me from bursting into tears again; I felt so degraded, I was a teenager the last time he had done this I never though all those years later it would come back again. How had it come to this?
“I am sorry if this hurts.” Emmet said again softly leaning over the bath and sponging off my legs with a wet towel trying to remove all the dried blood to reveal the real damage underneath. Each new cut that became apparent felt like it cut me all over again as the water turned a dirty brown colour from all of the blood until finally after the devastation of my right leg was completely revealed I couldn’t hold back my tears any longer and they erupted from my chest in a heavy sob.
Saturday, 7 May 2011
(Esmee) I survive for you (Mi's side)
I survive for you
Emmet and my self stayed on the floor for a long time. I wasn’t sure how long exactly but it must have been hours as the sun had now set in the sky and we where lying in the gloom with just the hall way light for illumination.
My father had done the rounds for the children and brought them back home our house where he had stayed with them while my mother occasionally hovered at the bathroom door like a ghost before sighing and walking away. My mother had no idea how each one of those sighs destroyed me. I wanted so much to be good enough for her and though she always told me that she loved me and wouldn’t change me for the world there was always a bit of me that though she expected so much more of me; more that I should have been able to give.
“What’s the matter? You have gone all stiff again?” Emmet asked gently kissing me on the fore head
“How to be perfect, you all deserve so much more.”
“I have exactly what I want.”
“So you like lying in my blood on my mothers bathroom floor?”
“I want you forever and always, what ever comes with that comes with that.”
“I tried to walk away for you Emmet, I tried to set you free.” I whispered tracing patterns with the tip of my finger onto his chest
“Set me free? You have no idea how much you mean to me do you?” Emmet said pulling me closer to him and wrapping his arms around me protectively like he was scared I might vanish into thin air, or turn to dust in his hands. “When you mother called I was writing a note.”
“A note?”
“My suicide note. For the first time in my entire life I didn’t want to live. I didn’t know pain like that existed, there was just the blackness and the sadness, there was no light, there was no hope, there was just this empty void,” Emmet gulped his voice thick with tears. “I was wrong Esmee when I said you had to survive for your self. I never really saw it till now but I survive for you.”
Emmet and my self stayed on the floor for a long time. I wasn’t sure how long exactly but it must have been hours as the sun had now set in the sky and we where lying in the gloom with just the hall way light for illumination.
My father had done the rounds for the children and brought them back home our house where he had stayed with them while my mother occasionally hovered at the bathroom door like a ghost before sighing and walking away. My mother had no idea how each one of those sighs destroyed me. I wanted so much to be good enough for her and though she always told me that she loved me and wouldn’t change me for the world there was always a bit of me that though she expected so much more of me; more that I should have been able to give.
“What’s the matter? You have gone all stiff again?” Emmet asked gently kissing me on the fore head
“How to be perfect, you all deserve so much more.”
“I have exactly what I want.”
“So you like lying in my blood on my mothers bathroom floor?”
“I want you forever and always, what ever comes with that comes with that.”
“I tried to walk away for you Emmet, I tried to set you free.” I whispered tracing patterns with the tip of my finger onto his chest
“Set me free? You have no idea how much you mean to me do you?” Emmet said pulling me closer to him and wrapping his arms around me protectively like he was scared I might vanish into thin air, or turn to dust in his hands. “When you mother called I was writing a note.”
“A note?”
“My suicide note. For the first time in my entire life I didn’t want to live. I didn’t know pain like that existed, there was just the blackness and the sadness, there was no light, there was no hope, there was just this empty void,” Emmet gulped his voice thick with tears. “I was wrong Esmee when I said you had to survive for your self. I never really saw it till now but I survive for you.”
Friday, 6 May 2011
(Esmee) reunited (Mi's side)
Reunited
After I screamed till my lungs hurt I curled up in the foetal position and wept heavily my body shuddering in time with my crying. I had no idea where the tears come from, but they had come and they couldn’t be stopped.
“Oh my baby, Oh my sweet, darling love.” Emmet whispered gently as he got to his knees next to my curled up body covering him self in my blood. “I’ve got you, I’ve got you.” He soothed again lying on the bathroom floor next to me so we where lying face to face. Emmet’s expression was pained like it always was when he herd me cry but he hid it well once again he was there for me; I know he would see me through.
“Please don’t leave me.” I sobbed trying to gulp in air through my discordant sobs. “I know I am a silly girl but please don’t leave me.” I begged. I new I didn’t deserve this kind and loving man, and I new I had been the one to try and leave him but the truth is I just couldn’t see anything with out him, only the pain and the darkness. Even my suicide would bring no relief if he wasn’t there waiting for me. He was the very air that I breathed, the life that flowed all around me, he was my soul.
“Your not a silly girl,” Emmet whispered swallowing hard against his own tears. “I am so sorry i hurt you. You are kind and beautiful and I promise I will never leave you.” Emmet whispered gently, pulling my body up close to his where I fit perfectly like two half’s of a broken heart reunited together again.
We’ll do it all, everything, on are own
We don’t need anything, or anyone
If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lie with me,
And just forget the world?
Chasing cars
Snow patrol
“Oh my baby, Oh my sweet, darling love.” Emmet whispered gently as he got to his knees next to my curled up body covering him self in my blood. “I’ve got you, I’ve got you.” He soothed again lying on the bathroom floor next to me so we where lying face to face. Emmet’s expression was pained like it always was when he herd me cry but he hid it well once again he was there for me; I know he would see me through.
“Please don’t leave me.” I sobbed trying to gulp in air through my discordant sobs. “I know I am a silly girl but please don’t leave me.” I begged. I new I didn’t deserve this kind and loving man, and I new I had been the one to try and leave him but the truth is I just couldn’t see anything with out him, only the pain and the darkness. Even my suicide would bring no relief if he wasn’t there waiting for me. He was the very air that I breathed, the life that flowed all around me, he was my soul.
“Your not a silly girl,” Emmet whispered swallowing hard against his own tears. “I am so sorry i hurt you. You are kind and beautiful and I promise I will never leave you.” Emmet whispered gently, pulling my body up close to his where I fit perfectly like two half’s of a broken heart reunited together again.
Sunday, 1 May 2011
(Esmee) Shouthing down the shouting (mi's side)
Shouting down the shouting
“My door, My daughter!” my mother yelled stumbling over her own feet as she took two steps back away from the bathroom and into the hall way. For her I was replaying her worse nightmares, she thought all this was over when she prised my fingers off of hers at the door to apple gate unit. All those years ago. Dr. Summers had promised her a cure to my taboo behaviour and she accepted this as fact; blinded by all the fancy letters after his name.
“I’ll… I’ll call an ambulance.”
“No!” Emmet and my self shouted simultaneously, so loudly it made my mum stumble again.
“What do you mean no? Are you both insane? Look at the blood! I don’t care what you idiots say I am calling, my daughter isn’t bleeding to death on my bathroom floor.” I my mum argued puffing her self up to her full height before stumbling towards her bedroom to get the phone.
“Liz, stop,” Emmet yelled running after my mother an grabbing hold of her before she could get to her room.
“Young man, I don’t know what the hell has got into you but you must let me go this instant!”
“I can’t do that!”
“I thought you loved my daughter!”
“I do love her, why do you think I am doing this!”
“She is bleeding to death Emmet, she needs and ambulance!”
“She is not bleeding to death Liz. If she was you would have to beat me to the fucking phone, now calm the hell down and let me sought her out!”
“She’s my daughter!”
“She’s my universe!”
I tried to stop it but I could not and before I new it I opened my mouth and screamed at the top of my lungs. The crying wasn’t enough, and all the blood in the world could not of stopped the shouting that rang through my ears as they argued so I did the only thing I could. I shouted louder then all of them.
“My door, My daughter!” my mother yelled stumbling over her own feet as she took two steps back away from the bathroom and into the hall way. For her I was replaying her worse nightmares, she thought all this was over when she prised my fingers off of hers at the door to apple gate unit. All those years ago. Dr. Summers had promised her a cure to my taboo behaviour and she accepted this as fact; blinded by all the fancy letters after his name.
“I’ll… I’ll call an ambulance.”
“No!” Emmet and my self shouted simultaneously, so loudly it made my mum stumble again.
“What do you mean no? Are you both insane? Look at the blood! I don’t care what you idiots say I am calling, my daughter isn’t bleeding to death on my bathroom floor.” I my mum argued puffing her self up to her full height before stumbling towards her bedroom to get the phone.
“Liz, stop,” Emmet yelled running after my mother an grabbing hold of her before she could get to her room.
“Young man, I don’t know what the hell has got into you but you must let me go this instant!”
“I can’t do that!”
“I thought you loved my daughter!”
“I do love her, why do you think I am doing this!”
“She is bleeding to death Emmet, she needs and ambulance!”
“She is not bleeding to death Liz. If she was you would have to beat me to the fucking phone, now calm the hell down and let me sought her out!”
“She’s my daughter!”
“She’s my universe!”
I tried to stop it but I could not and before I new it I opened my mouth and screamed at the top of my lungs. The crying wasn’t enough, and all the blood in the world could not of stopped the shouting that rang through my ears as they argued so I did the only thing I could. I shouted louder then all of them.
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