Her pain I created
“Oh no.” I groaned closing my eyes trying to find the blackness again, I didn’t want to wake up here. I was looking for my sister and son not the pain, a pastel room and rather unattractive backless dress (gown) and… I tried to look up at the figure that had held the dish under my chin… Emmet and Esmee; the saving graces.
My body hurt too, so much so that I wished I was still under and every breath made a stabbing pain pierce into my chest making the whole concept of breathing just a little bit hard too to manage.
“Are you in pain baby girl?” Esmee asked gently leaning closer to the bed and taking my heavily bandaged hand into hers.
her face was tight and unnatural for Esmee’s her smile forced through a think layer of tears that made her face wet and her eyes red rimmed, something was hurting her far more then I had ever seen before and I almost aloud my self to weep with her’ her tears hurt me more then the physical pain ever could.
“Don’t cry Esmee.” I whispered Gently gripping my hand as much as I could around hers. I wish there was something more I could do to comfort her but I didn’t think my body would respond even if I tried to get it to move off of the bed.
“I’m not, I’m OK honey there is no need to worry about me.”
“Your lying to me, but I guess that’s OK, I lied to you too.” I said gently almost ashamed of what I had done. I did not regret the thought of my suicide, I regretted that it didn’t work and now I had to see her pain, I had counted on being dead so I didn’t have to watch the torment it might cause her.
Esmee’s face cracked and her bottom lip quivered which she bit down on as a tiny little half sob escaped her lips and new tears fell from her eyes so fast she couldn’t catch them in her hand ad her shoulders shook with the pressure of keeping her tears silent.
“Urgh! Why am I always confined to a bed when I need to do the comforting for once in my life?” I moaned trying to persuade my legs to spin round on the bed so I could get to my feet and wrap my arms around her, her cuddles had always helped me I hoped mine would do the same thing.
“Esmee why don’t you go out and take five minutes.” Emmet said gently placing his had on her shoulder which only caused the shaking to increase.
“No! Don’t go away, please.” I shouted as loud as I could though the pain ripped up through me, I couldn’t stand her walking away. “Just give her a damn hug or something!” I yelled at Emmet. “I mean I would but as I said I have the bed issue!”
Emmet did as I asked and pulled Esmee into his arms where she silently sobbed into his shoulder, I had never seen her like this, could scarcely imagine it even but here she was braking her heart mere feet away from me and I had a horrible idea that I new why and It was my fault.
“She found me didn’t she?” I asked weekly feeling the nausea roll inside me again.
“Yep,” Emmet nodded bending his head close to Esmee’s and kissing her gently on the top of her hair.
“I am sorry,” I said crying my self as I ripped my body from its lying position, I didn’t care how much it hurt if I had caused this pain I would sooth it too. “Esmee I am sorry it was you! I never wanted to hurt you!” I yelped as the pain hit me harder as I got to my feet but as I almost expected my legs weren’t strong enough to support me and my body went crashing down to meet the floor.
Monday, 16 May 2011
Sunday, 15 May 2011
(Mi's back!!!) Welcome back (Mi's side)
Mi
Mi's POV
Welcome back
Something blue pulsed inside my head dragging me away from the darkness that swam inside of me convincing me that I was not completely lost but there was nothing else either just the blue pulsating light against the back of my eyes and the whooshing sound; like the sound of the sea inside a shell.
I fort through the pulsing and the whooshing to try and find something more, the last thing that had stood in front of me was Arabella and my son and I had been so cruelly pulled away from them into nothing but maybe this was a second chance to find them if I could follow the pulsing they would be there again and this time I wouldn’t be sent away, I would find a way to hold on.
Soon the whooshing turned to beeping and mumbling and the blue light brighter inside my head until finally I broke through the barrier and blinked awake into a bright pastel coloured room.
“Good girl Mi open your eyes, open them up.”
The dream was over in an instant as I realised where I was and the nausea rolled angrily from my stomach and up my throat before erupting projectile out of my mouth into a bowl beside my chin.
“Welcome back Mi, we all missed you.”
Bloody fantastic
(Esmee) electrifying truth (Mi's side)
Hi everyone! I am very excited about this bit! and have been working towards it for ages! Please let me know your reactions!!!!!! thanks. :-)
electrifying truth
“You know every time I have to bandage you up I get the odd urge to get loads of these and completely wrap you up from head to toe.” Emmet said absent minded as he started wrapping a bandage around my leg.
“Interesting sexual fantasy you have there my dear.” I said raising my eye brows at him and smiling, I new this wasn’t what he had meant but somehow through all the carnage and confusion my cheeky side had emerged on top; it was my defence mechanism, I could only feel the big things for so long until I decided that they didn’t matter and I turned them into a joke.
“You know that isn’t what I meant, though the idea is intriguing I suppose.” Emmet answered grinning as he started tapping the end of one of the bandages down against the skin.
“Emmet!”
“You started it! But no, that isn’t what I meant any way. What I meant is I want to keep you safe and look after you it just seems like a good symbolic way.”
“I don’t think you would be able to get them around the enormous amount of cotton wool that you have me wrapped up in” I said softly smiling at him, it was not meant to be a mean comment or sarcastic, I new that all of Emmet’s smiles where forced for my behalf right now, all my cuts cut him as much as they did me.
“Another layer of protection couldn’t hurt, I love you too much to let the bad things get to you so often, so I’m upping the defences around you.”
“Ok, I might need it any way, I dread to think of what monsters might be contained in this file.” I whispered once again stroking the old front cover like it was an animal and if I stopped the thing might of come alive and started snapping at me.
“It will just be a name my love, you wont know her, there will be nothing in their to hurt you. I will read it for you if you want.” Emmet said gently curling him self up next to me so we where both laid out on the cramped single bed. Face to face.
“You would do that?” I asked pressing my hand up against his chest where his heart was so I could try and feel it beating. I had always had a thing with heart beats, I found them strangely comforting as most children do but for some reason I had never gotten over it.
“Of course I would.”
“OK,” I said nodding me head and pressing the folder to Emmet’s body, it felt good not to carrying the burden of it’s weight alone.
Slowly Emmet sat back up again and punched on the side of the bed opening the clasp to the first page of the folder with a smile on his face but as soon as he started reading it changed the colour draining from his features his mouth hanging open but no words could come out, what ever he saw was obviously far more shocking then every one thought.
“What! What!” I shouted grabbing the folder from Emmet’s grip with out any trouble so I could look at the same page. Something inside me expected to see a gruesome drawing on the page or a letter smeared in blood but the documents looked normal and offichel so I started reading down the list of things and that is when my reaction turned the same.
The blood drained from my face as more and more details where confirmed of a women that I had already read about before, had all ready seen around until at the end of the page written in a messy hand writing was a name that confirmed what was written above Tigerlilly Lin Dorado.
“Oh my god!” I shrieked throwing the folder off of my lap like it had just electrocuted me with a thousand volts, “Mi’s my sister!”
electrifying truth
“You know every time I have to bandage you up I get the odd urge to get loads of these and completely wrap you up from head to toe.” Emmet said absent minded as he started wrapping a bandage around my leg.
“Interesting sexual fantasy you have there my dear.” I said raising my eye brows at him and smiling, I new this wasn’t what he had meant but somehow through all the carnage and confusion my cheeky side had emerged on top; it was my defence mechanism, I could only feel the big things for so long until I decided that they didn’t matter and I turned them into a joke.
“You know that isn’t what I meant, though the idea is intriguing I suppose.” Emmet answered grinning as he started tapping the end of one of the bandages down against the skin.
“Emmet!”
“You started it! But no, that isn’t what I meant any way. What I meant is I want to keep you safe and look after you it just seems like a good symbolic way.”
“I don’t think you would be able to get them around the enormous amount of cotton wool that you have me wrapped up in” I said softly smiling at him, it was not meant to be a mean comment or sarcastic, I new that all of Emmet’s smiles where forced for my behalf right now, all my cuts cut him as much as they did me.
“Another layer of protection couldn’t hurt, I love you too much to let the bad things get to you so often, so I’m upping the defences around you.”
“Ok, I might need it any way, I dread to think of what monsters might be contained in this file.” I whispered once again stroking the old front cover like it was an animal and if I stopped the thing might of come alive and started snapping at me.
“It will just be a name my love, you wont know her, there will be nothing in their to hurt you. I will read it for you if you want.” Emmet said gently curling him self up next to me so we where both laid out on the cramped single bed. Face to face.
“You would do that?” I asked pressing my hand up against his chest where his heart was so I could try and feel it beating. I had always had a thing with heart beats, I found them strangely comforting as most children do but for some reason I had never gotten over it.
“Of course I would.”
“OK,” I said nodding me head and pressing the folder to Emmet’s body, it felt good not to carrying the burden of it’s weight alone.
Slowly Emmet sat back up again and punched on the side of the bed opening the clasp to the first page of the folder with a smile on his face but as soon as he started reading it changed the colour draining from his features his mouth hanging open but no words could come out, what ever he saw was obviously far more shocking then every one thought.
“What! What!” I shouted grabbing the folder from Emmet’s grip with out any trouble so I could look at the same page. Something inside me expected to see a gruesome drawing on the page or a letter smeared in blood but the documents looked normal and offichel so I started reading down the list of things and that is when my reaction turned the same.
The blood drained from my face as more and more details where confirmed of a women that I had already read about before, had all ready seen around until at the end of the page written in a messy hand writing was a name that confirmed what was written above Tigerlilly Lin Dorado.
“Oh my god!” I shrieked throwing the folder off of my lap like it had just electrocuted me with a thousand volts, “Mi’s my sister!”
Saturday, 14 May 2011
(Esmee) my kitten too (Mi's side)
My kitten too.
A few minutes later my mum came back into my room with an old looking brown file across her chest. It surprised me slightly at the size of the file. I was used to big files but it seemed the whole thing could have done with being a lot smaller. After all what could have been in there? It also seemed surreal seeing a file on my self. I new there must have been hundreds of them littered all over the place with my history of hospitalization but here was one that was written about me before I could even support my own body weight.
“I know this will be heard my love.” My mum said softly handing me the file and handing Emmet two crisp white bandages and different dressings. It seemed strange that even though I hadn’t lived at home with her for over five years she still new and kept all the things that where needed to dress the wounds I had caused.
“Why dose the file say Esmeralda May Monster on the front?” I asked gently stroking my hand over the ink on the front cover.
“That’s what your birth mother called you but as you where only days old when we got you we where aloud to change it. We thought it was a bit wordy so we took the two names and squished them together somewhat, hence Esmee.” My mum said softly stroking her fingers over the raised scars on my arms. Which made me shiver slightly, I new every one hurt her as much as they hurt Emmet but she never shyed away from them in fact she liked to stroke them, it was like she was constantly trying to rub tem better but she new she never could.
“Thanks.”
“What for kitten?”
“School was hard enough with out being associated with the hunchback of Notre Dame.” I laughed.
“trust you to think of that.” Mum said laughing too before rising from the edge of me bed again and stretching. “Look I think you need to read this on your own so you don’t feel pressured by me. Emmet is here for you and I’m not far away.” My mum said smiling at me before turning to Emmet, “ Look after my Kitten young man.”
“Try and stop me,” Emmet said smiling “She’s my kitten too.”
A few minutes later my mum came back into my room with an old looking brown file across her chest. It surprised me slightly at the size of the file. I was used to big files but it seemed the whole thing could have done with being a lot smaller. After all what could have been in there? It also seemed surreal seeing a file on my self. I new there must have been hundreds of them littered all over the place with my history of hospitalization but here was one that was written about me before I could even support my own body weight.
“I know this will be heard my love.” My mum said softly handing me the file and handing Emmet two crisp white bandages and different dressings. It seemed strange that even though I hadn’t lived at home with her for over five years she still new and kept all the things that where needed to dress the wounds I had caused.
“Why dose the file say Esmeralda May Monster on the front?” I asked gently stroking my hand over the ink on the front cover.
“That’s what your birth mother called you but as you where only days old when we got you we where aloud to change it. We thought it was a bit wordy so we took the two names and squished them together somewhat, hence Esmee.” My mum said softly stroking her fingers over the raised scars on my arms. Which made me shiver slightly, I new every one hurt her as much as they hurt Emmet but she never shyed away from them in fact she liked to stroke them, it was like she was constantly trying to rub tem better but she new she never could.
“Thanks.”
“What for kitten?”
“School was hard enough with out being associated with the hunchback of Notre Dame.” I laughed.
“trust you to think of that.” Mum said laughing too before rising from the edge of me bed again and stretching. “Look I think you need to read this on your own so you don’t feel pressured by me. Emmet is here for you and I’m not far away.” My mum said smiling at me before turning to Emmet, “ Look after my Kitten young man.”
“Try and stop me,” Emmet said smiling “She’s my kitten too.”
(Esmee) bloods still bad (Mi's side)
Bloods still bad
“If I say yes, what will you think?” I asked gently against the tears forced there way into my eyes.
“I will think the my twenty seven year old daughter want’s to know where she come from, and I think that, that is good.”
“But you’re my mum, no one else, I don’t want any one else if I could of lived in you for nine moths I would have, I didn’t choose my mother.” I wept burying my face into my hands.
“I would stop crying or you will start your husband off and I all ready see him as a six foot seven teddy bear, If he starts crying I may have to give him a big squishy hug.” my mum whispered bending down close to my ear which made me laugh She always new how to make me smile.
“I love you, I hope you know how much, because I can’t describe it, it’s a too big a feeling.”
“You’re my precious little kitten and I love you more then you will ever know and I know you love me too. Looking at a piece of paper with the name of a stranger printed on it Esmee won’t change the relationship between you and me or you and your dad. So I’m going to go and get your file and some bandages for your legs so teddy bear here can patch you up together again.”
“I’m sorry that happened, I don’t know what I was thinking, to do that here of all places.” I moaned kicking my self inside for what I had done; it seemed natural at the time, at the time of the cutting it didn’t matter. All that mattered was the actual act. I could have been anywhere in front of anyone and it wouldn’t of mattered. The end of the world could have come and I would have died with the razor in my hand but only now after the damage was done it did that seem so very stupid.
“I’m sorry I over reacted it was a bit of a shock and I’m not a nurse, to me blood any blood in the out side of the skin is a bad thing. That’s still then general rule isn’t it?” Mum asked pulling one of her faces as she got to her feet making Emmet and my self giggle like two overgrown school children on a sleep over.
“Yeah, blood’s still bad.” I smiled and with a quick wink my mum left the room to get the file that would revel my biggest secrets.
“If I say yes, what will you think?” I asked gently against the tears forced there way into my eyes.
“I will think the my twenty seven year old daughter want’s to know where she come from, and I think that, that is good.”
“But you’re my mum, no one else, I don’t want any one else if I could of lived in you for nine moths I would have, I didn’t choose my mother.” I wept burying my face into my hands.
“I would stop crying or you will start your husband off and I all ready see him as a six foot seven teddy bear, If he starts crying I may have to give him a big squishy hug.” my mum whispered bending down close to my ear which made me laugh She always new how to make me smile.
“I love you, I hope you know how much, because I can’t describe it, it’s a too big a feeling.”
“You’re my precious little kitten and I love you more then you will ever know and I know you love me too. Looking at a piece of paper with the name of a stranger printed on it Esmee won’t change the relationship between you and me or you and your dad. So I’m going to go and get your file and some bandages for your legs so teddy bear here can patch you up together again.”
“I’m sorry that happened, I don’t know what I was thinking, to do that here of all places.” I moaned kicking my self inside for what I had done; it seemed natural at the time, at the time of the cutting it didn’t matter. All that mattered was the actual act. I could have been anywhere in front of anyone and it wouldn’t of mattered. The end of the world could have come and I would have died with the razor in my hand but only now after the damage was done it did that seem so very stupid.
“I’m sorry I over reacted it was a bit of a shock and I’m not a nurse, to me blood any blood in the out side of the skin is a bad thing. That’s still then general rule isn’t it?” Mum asked pulling one of her faces as she got to her feet making Emmet and my self giggle like two overgrown school children on a sleep over.
“Yeah, blood’s still bad.” I smiled and with a quick wink my mum left the room to get the file that would revel my biggest secrets.
(Esmee) a gift (Mi's side)
A gift
“Mummy I’m sorry.” I shouted scrambling off of the bed and to my feet so I could pursue her if she walked away from me. It had been two long to lose my mum to a stranger I didn’t know and I would run to the ends of the earth after her.
“Hush my baby, hush.” My mum said gently catching me by the arm and leading me back to the bed before laying me down on top of the covers and sitting her self delicately on the side gently holding my hand in hers.
My mother was a plump little lady with lightly tanned skin and short straight ash blond hair that that sat unruly on her head doing exactly what it wanted when it felt like doing it. She had small kind light blue eyes and wore rimless spectacles half way down her nose so she still landed up squinting at everything she did because she was forever looking over them.
“I’m sorry mum, you where never… I mean I didn’t… I mean it …” I babbled trying to find the right words to say but came up short. I mean what could I say? I had lied to her about not wanting to see the file since I was a child and she had found out about it when I was talking behind her back.
“Hush Kitten, let me talk.” My mum soothed lightly pressing her finger tip to my lips which caused me to smile, we had so much connection with each other that the whole idea of a file telling me someone else was my mother seemed ludicrous.
“When you where little I went through hell and high water to get your adoption file because I always wanted you to know the truth. I unfortunately could not take you as one of my creations. you where a gift; a beautiful, amazing, once in a life time gift but I new there was someone else out there that carried you for nine months so you where there gift too and I should not take that away from them, or you. The file is in my bedroom Esmee, it has been there for years waiting for you, I think it’s time that you see it.”
“Mummy I’m sorry.” I shouted scrambling off of the bed and to my feet so I could pursue her if she walked away from me. It had been two long to lose my mum to a stranger I didn’t know and I would run to the ends of the earth after her.
“Hush my baby, hush.” My mum said gently catching me by the arm and leading me back to the bed before laying me down on top of the covers and sitting her self delicately on the side gently holding my hand in hers.
My mother was a plump little lady with lightly tanned skin and short straight ash blond hair that that sat unruly on her head doing exactly what it wanted when it felt like doing it. She had small kind light blue eyes and wore rimless spectacles half way down her nose so she still landed up squinting at everything she did because she was forever looking over them.
“I’m sorry mum, you where never… I mean I didn’t… I mean it …” I babbled trying to find the right words to say but came up short. I mean what could I say? I had lied to her about not wanting to see the file since I was a child and she had found out about it when I was talking behind her back.
“Hush Kitten, let me talk.” My mum soothed lightly pressing her finger tip to my lips which caused me to smile, we had so much connection with each other that the whole idea of a file telling me someone else was my mother seemed ludicrous.
“When you where little I went through hell and high water to get your adoption file because I always wanted you to know the truth. I unfortunately could not take you as one of my creations. you where a gift; a beautiful, amazing, once in a life time gift but I new there was someone else out there that carried you for nine months so you where there gift too and I should not take that away from them, or you. The file is in my bedroom Esmee, it has been there for years waiting for you, I think it’s time that you see it.”
second part sent.
Hi every one just me again. It's time to check your inboxes as i have sent the second part of the story to all of you by e-mail. If you havn't got a copy it means i haven't got your e-mail adreess or there was a problem with it so if you havent got a copy and you want one drop me a line.
The e-mail has no subject (i am a donut and forgot to write one) but it is the whole story upto where i stoped edating. (I think it's whrere Mi is in the hospital bathroom with Emmet and she has just revield to him what used to happen to her)
I hope you all enjoy the read as much as i enjoy writing it as always i love to here all of your ideas and comments so drop me a line.
thanks all, love vikki
The e-mail has no subject (i am a donut and forgot to write one) but it is the whole story upto where i stoped edating. (I think it's whrere Mi is in the hospital bathroom with Emmet and she has just revield to him what used to happen to her)
I hope you all enjoy the read as much as i enjoy writing it as always i love to here all of your ideas and comments so drop me a line.
thanks all, love vikki
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