Esmee’s scream
“Perfect,” I growled to Esmee as she easily matched my running pace as we sprinted down the corridor towards the clinic room, “What generous decided to put Crystal with her at lunch?”
“It’s probably fine Emmet, Mi probably just flinched or something and Crystal thought she was going to attach her or something Esmee answered just before she awkwardly misplaced her foot on the last run of the stairs and stumbled forwards crashing towards the floor in what looked like slow motion yet it was to fast for my attempt to grab her to have any effect at all; my heart stopped beating in my chest.
“Esmee! Esmee, honey are you all right? Talk to me honey are you OK, are you hurt?” I shouted desperately falling down nest to her on the floor trying to move my self so I could see her face without touching her; if she was hurt the last thing I wanted to do was move her even slightly.
“I’m OK, I’m OK just shaken.” Esmee confirmed loudly moving her self back up to a seating position on the end of the stairs “Emmet Go, Mi needs you, I’m OK.” Esmee urged pointing up the corridor when the clinic was; was she insane sis she really thin I was going to leave her side until she was properly checked over by a doctor and back at home wither her feet up with me pampering her.
“Don’t be any idiot! I don’t give a shit who needs me, I’m not leaving you now, in fact I’m calling an ambulance.” I corrected shoving my hands into my jean pockets to try and find my mobile that I should of none wouldn’t of been there while I was working.
“Don’t be a plank! I don’t need an ambulance I am fine you idiot!” Esmee laughed looking out at me from under her hair, “I tripped down one stair and the only injury I have is a broken nail and some mild shaking.” Esmee laughed again shaking her head at me in exasperation from what she saw as a blatant overreaction.
It was then that we both heard the scream come up the corridor from the clinic room and the howling painful crying that made both Esmee and my self’s head snap around to look in the direction it had come from, it wasn’t Crystal that was crying but Mi and she sounded really hurt.
“Hell if your not going Emmet I am, I can’t listen to that.” Esmee confirmed something burning deep in her eyes as she unsteadily got to her feet.
“I know that scream Emmet,” Esmee stuttered almost in tears not from her fall but the continuous sobbing from up the hall way, “ I know it because I remember using it and that’s a bad scream and she really needs help.”
“Your not going anywhere.” I confirmed looking over Esmee’s pail features “Sit and calm down then go and have some orange juice. I will go.”
“Just help her,” Esmee nodded one tear falling out the corner of her left eye “Just help her; you have no idea how much pain she is in.”
Thursday, 7 July 2011
Handover drama (Emmets side)
Handover drama
Handover as ever started off as boring as ever really when we finally got to work that day, lets face it, it was hardly ever exciting or at least there was hardly ever anything new to here as after a while day to day routine always over ruled even Mi the new girl seemed to have had a quiet and uneventful night and morning apart from the almost expected news of refusal of both Breakfast and launch and need for transfer to skylight ward if Dinner was also refused. In fact to me it had seemed so likely that I had even covered it on the nurse’s rota that morning and put my self down as her chaperone for when the time come.
So it was all of are RRA’S going off together that woke all of us up in handover and sent are fair few of us jumping out of our chairs in surprise as the urgent sounding cats chorus of alarms infiltrated the room to alert us of an emergency.
Esmee and my self reacted first leaping off of are chairs and making a bee line for the door as we observed the initials CS flashing wildly from are screens, we in fairness usually wouldn’t of responded this fast for a panic call from CS as CS was Crystal Spears and in all fairness she normally used her RRA for anything just short of her wanting a cup of tee but today It was different Crystal was currently trying to force Ensure down Mi’s throat so this call probably meant Mi was really in trouble.
Handover as ever started off as boring as ever really when we finally got to work that day, lets face it, it was hardly ever exciting or at least there was hardly ever anything new to here as after a while day to day routine always over ruled even Mi the new girl seemed to have had a quiet and uneventful night and morning apart from the almost expected news of refusal of both Breakfast and launch and need for transfer to skylight ward if Dinner was also refused. In fact to me it had seemed so likely that I had even covered it on the nurse’s rota that morning and put my self down as her chaperone for when the time come.
So it was all of are RRA’S going off together that woke all of us up in handover and sent are fair few of us jumping out of our chairs in surprise as the urgent sounding cats chorus of alarms infiltrated the room to alert us of an emergency.
Esmee and my self reacted first leaping off of are chairs and making a bee line for the door as we observed the initials CS flashing wildly from are screens, we in fairness usually wouldn’t of responded this fast for a panic call from CS as CS was Crystal Spears and in all fairness she normally used her RRA for anything just short of her wanting a cup of tee but today It was different Crystal was currently trying to force Ensure down Mi’s throat so this call probably meant Mi was really in trouble.
A one man show (Emmets side)
A one man show
I had no argument for Esmee’s last statement so rather grudgingly I scribbled the initials ESB next to Mi’s name and went about trying to finish the rest of the rota it was not easy when I was trying to Keep Esmee from doing ton much and could almost feel the tiredness set in as I yet again marked my self in for another hour of red’s with Aphrodite.
“For goodness sake Emmet your not superman Esmee protested as she leant over my shoulder pen at the ready and scribbled out almost half of the spots that had my name and added her own instead; my insides twisted slightly as she put her self on night medication for some reason I didn’t like to think of her alone and dishing out a lethal mixture of tablets today she seemed far to fragile.
“My love you have your self in no less then three different places at the same time here Esmee laughed scribbling two of them out and adding her name and Jacobs; I grimaced at the thought of Jacob doing and hour with Marie but realized Esmee was right Jacob was there weather I liked it or not and like it or not it would be impossible to conduct a shift with out using him.
“Now that looks a bit less like a one man show and more of a team effort Esmee smiled clicking the chewed cap of my pen back into place and removing the rota from in front of me so I couldn’t make any more adjustments.
“are you sure you are OK though?” I Moaned resting my head against the table top and sighing it had been a long night and I had a feeling it was going to be an even longer day when we finally got to work.
“I’m sure I am OK, I just rather not think of it. It was a mistake that I made and now I want to forget about it like all cuts they will fade soon and work will be a welcome distraction from them there is nothing like a shift in apple gate house to make me realise I have been a lot, lot worse.”
I had no argument for Esmee’s last statement so rather grudgingly I scribbled the initials ESB next to Mi’s name and went about trying to finish the rest of the rota it was not easy when I was trying to Keep Esmee from doing ton much and could almost feel the tiredness set in as I yet again marked my self in for another hour of red’s with Aphrodite.
“For goodness sake Emmet your not superman Esmee protested as she leant over my shoulder pen at the ready and scribbled out almost half of the spots that had my name and added her own instead; my insides twisted slightly as she put her self on night medication for some reason I didn’t like to think of her alone and dishing out a lethal mixture of tablets today she seemed far to fragile.
“My love you have your self in no less then three different places at the same time here Esmee laughed scribbling two of them out and adding her name and Jacobs; I grimaced at the thought of Jacob doing and hour with Marie but realized Esmee was right Jacob was there weather I liked it or not and like it or not it would be impossible to conduct a shift with out using him.
“Now that looks a bit less like a one man show and more of a team effort Esmee smiled clicking the chewed cap of my pen back into place and removing the rota from in front of me so I couldn’t make any more adjustments.
“are you sure you are OK though?” I Moaned resting my head against the table top and sighing it had been a long night and I had a feeling it was going to be an even longer day when we finally got to work.
“I’m sure I am OK, I just rather not think of it. It was a mistake that I made and now I want to forget about it like all cuts they will fade soon and work will be a welcome distraction from them there is nothing like a shift in apple gate house to make me realise I have been a lot, lot worse.”
(Esmee ) Making mistakes, not mistakes (Mi's side)
Making mistakes, not mistakes
“I am not plying a game here or entering into a competition. I am not competing for you Mi I don’t want it so I can put you on my shelf or say I cured you, not all fighting is about winning something; life isn’t meant to be conquered or won it’s just meant to be lived; lived with the one’s you love.”
“That would suggest that you love me.” Mi whispered softly her eyes lids fluttering open briefly before closing again, sometimes it seemed like it was to much for her just to look at me; I could never admit that sometimes I had felt the same way about her; her scares scared me, the cuts I had to stitch on her had horribly triggered me and her physical body at times repulsed me not to mention the tiny glimpses I had gotten at her soul had completely destroyed me however there had also been times when I just couldn’t look away. Whole nights had passed in minutes as I had watched her sleep and other more recant night in the ICU painfully slowly as I watched anxiously as she crashed in and out always ready with my hand on the crash alarm always listening as doctors and consultants talked and always praying; praying to every god I had ever heard of when I over heard them use phrases like “she’s circling the drain,” not to mention almost decking one of the doctors when he questioned weather he should even be treating someone who tried to kill them self and not just letting her so he could get on with some “proper work.” It took Emmet physically restraining me and quietly suggesting that a complaint would work better then me going down for ABH to stop me from punching him in the face not to mention much shouting about how knocking him out might not work as well but would damn sure make me feel better.
“I do love you.” I finally answered gently pulling my self out of my day dream, not able to think of another more suitable and professional way of describing it; she had hit the nail right on the head.
“I think I might find it heard for you to love me and I think it might freak me out sometimes and I can go a bit insane when I’m freaked out.”
“You know what, I have noticed that.” I smiled reaching out and messing up her some what greasy and dirty hair. I had tried a couple of times over the month that had passed to wash her hair put the various tubes and lines had made it almost impossible to make a good job of it. Emmet my self and the other nurses had managed to keep her clean and fresh though bed baths and had sorted her out when there had been ascendants with leaking and blocked cafeter not to mention a few Emmet and my self replaced when an over tired over worked busy nurse tried to shove one in in ten seconds flat and managed to mess it up; I new there was a reason we all had to have general nursing before specializing.
“I will try and be better Esmee, I will try and be good for you, for Emmet and even some of the others but I have tried before and it hasn’t worked out so well.”
“just because you sometimes get anxious or freak out a little doesn’t make you a bad person or no good Mi, We all make mistakes some bigger then others but just because we make mistakes doesn’t mean we are a mistake.”
“I am not plying a game here or entering into a competition. I am not competing for you Mi I don’t want it so I can put you on my shelf or say I cured you, not all fighting is about winning something; life isn’t meant to be conquered or won it’s just meant to be lived; lived with the one’s you love.”
“That would suggest that you love me.” Mi whispered softly her eyes lids fluttering open briefly before closing again, sometimes it seemed like it was to much for her just to look at me; I could never admit that sometimes I had felt the same way about her; her scares scared me, the cuts I had to stitch on her had horribly triggered me and her physical body at times repulsed me not to mention the tiny glimpses I had gotten at her soul had completely destroyed me however there had also been times when I just couldn’t look away. Whole nights had passed in minutes as I had watched her sleep and other more recant night in the ICU painfully slowly as I watched anxiously as she crashed in and out always ready with my hand on the crash alarm always listening as doctors and consultants talked and always praying; praying to every god I had ever heard of when I over heard them use phrases like “she’s circling the drain,” not to mention almost decking one of the doctors when he questioned weather he should even be treating someone who tried to kill them self and not just letting her so he could get on with some “proper work.” It took Emmet physically restraining me and quietly suggesting that a complaint would work better then me going down for ABH to stop me from punching him in the face not to mention much shouting about how knocking him out might not work as well but would damn sure make me feel better.
“I do love you.” I finally answered gently pulling my self out of my day dream, not able to think of another more suitable and professional way of describing it; she had hit the nail right on the head.
“I think I might find it heard for you to love me and I think it might freak me out sometimes and I can go a bit insane when I’m freaked out.”
“You know what, I have noticed that.” I smiled reaching out and messing up her some what greasy and dirty hair. I had tried a couple of times over the month that had passed to wash her hair put the various tubes and lines had made it almost impossible to make a good job of it. Emmet my self and the other nurses had managed to keep her clean and fresh though bed baths and had sorted her out when there had been ascendants with leaking and blocked cafeter not to mention a few Emmet and my self replaced when an over tired over worked busy nurse tried to shove one in in ten seconds flat and managed to mess it up; I new there was a reason we all had to have general nursing before specializing.
“I will try and be better Esmee, I will try and be good for you, for Emmet and even some of the others but I have tried before and it hasn’t worked out so well.”
“just because you sometimes get anxious or freak out a little doesn’t make you a bad person or no good Mi, We all make mistakes some bigger then others but just because we make mistakes doesn’t mean we are a mistake.”
Monday, 4 July 2011
(Esmee) it's the winning that counts (mi's side)
It’s the winning that counts
There where a hundred million things I should and could have said to Mi but my body wouldn’t let the comfort I should have provided come out of my mouth. My training in all fairness could sometimes come in handy in these situations, I new how to deal with the enclosure of any type of abuse I had done the role play aced the written work and more yet it still didn’t prepare me for the first time someone in apple gate house told me how her uncle abused her and nothing could make it OK as I watched that uncle walk free from court because there was a lack of evidence and now once again I had been knocked of my feet by the abuse of a child, it appeared that even the on the job experiences with real patients could prepare you for abuse your little sister suffered and right here right now that was all I was, nothing with no words and no way to make her pain go away or make her forget it all; in fact even with out my own tears at the particular time I would still be useless to her.
“I made you cry again, that seams to be the one thing I’m good at; great.” I hear Mi moan dully from up on the bed as tried to counteract my crying, Mi wasn’t well enough yet to know I was crying for her and not because of her; sometime it was like looking after a baby with little or no life skill that was trapped in a teenagers body.
“You didn’t make me cry.” I countered looking up form my hands and wiping the tears off of my cheeks with my thumb and rubbing my eyes gently to try and counter any redness that I may have caused.
“I didn’t mean to shout at you Esmee.”
“It’s OK.” I lied, I couldn’t tell her how much it actually hurt because I didn’t actually want to hurt her and I also couldn’t believe it my self how much it hurt; I used to be so strong and solid how had she changed me?
“I had to give you that chance, I had to fight one more time for you but I think I am done now, that was my last stand, I can’t fight to save you any more, I’m to tired, Mi moaned closing her eyes slowly her body still and against the bed.
It was true she did look so tired lying there like she had be fighting forever and even though it was much more likely she wouldn’t actually die now from her latest suicide attempt I feared at that moment as she lied there her spirit and soul where about to slip away forever and what could I do alone to revive it? Suddenly keeping alive the physical body seemed so much easier then it did ten not so long ago; I couldn’t perform CPR on a soul.
“Who are you trying to save me from?
“How many times Esmee, how loud have I got to shout it at you? You say your going to fight for me and I keep trying to get you to walk away because you can’t fight and win a battle that has all ready been lost, and I know every one says it isn’t the winning that counts but lets face it when you work so heard for it and you don’t measure up and you lose it hurts like hell really, every one wants to win; what would be the point of competition if they didn’t
There where a hundred million things I should and could have said to Mi but my body wouldn’t let the comfort I should have provided come out of my mouth. My training in all fairness could sometimes come in handy in these situations, I new how to deal with the enclosure of any type of abuse I had done the role play aced the written work and more yet it still didn’t prepare me for the first time someone in apple gate house told me how her uncle abused her and nothing could make it OK as I watched that uncle walk free from court because there was a lack of evidence and now once again I had been knocked of my feet by the abuse of a child, it appeared that even the on the job experiences with real patients could prepare you for abuse your little sister suffered and right here right now that was all I was, nothing with no words and no way to make her pain go away or make her forget it all; in fact even with out my own tears at the particular time I would still be useless to her.
“I made you cry again, that seams to be the one thing I’m good at; great.” I hear Mi moan dully from up on the bed as tried to counteract my crying, Mi wasn’t well enough yet to know I was crying for her and not because of her; sometime it was like looking after a baby with little or no life skill that was trapped in a teenagers body.
“You didn’t make me cry.” I countered looking up form my hands and wiping the tears off of my cheeks with my thumb and rubbing my eyes gently to try and counter any redness that I may have caused.
“I didn’t mean to shout at you Esmee.”
“It’s OK.” I lied, I couldn’t tell her how much it actually hurt because I didn’t actually want to hurt her and I also couldn’t believe it my self how much it hurt; I used to be so strong and solid how had she changed me?
“I had to give you that chance, I had to fight one more time for you but I think I am done now, that was my last stand, I can’t fight to save you any more, I’m to tired, Mi moaned closing her eyes slowly her body still and against the bed.
It was true she did look so tired lying there like she had be fighting forever and even though it was much more likely she wouldn’t actually die now from her latest suicide attempt I feared at that moment as she lied there her spirit and soul where about to slip away forever and what could I do alone to revive it? Suddenly keeping alive the physical body seemed so much easier then it did ten not so long ago; I couldn’t perform CPR on a soul.
“Who are you trying to save me from?
“How many times Esmee, how loud have I got to shout it at you? You say your going to fight for me and I keep trying to get you to walk away because you can’t fight and win a battle that has all ready been lost, and I know every one says it isn’t the winning that counts but lets face it when you work so heard for it and you don’t measure up and you lose it hurts like hell really, every one wants to win; what would be the point of competition if they didn’t
(Esmee) the tornado (Mi's side)
The tornado
I had no Idea what the hell I was doing apart from kissing goodbye to my career if any one found me crying the corner of the room, though saying that I wasn’t sure I cared about that anymore any way. After Mia and Emmet my work was the most important thing to me but Mi seemed to of knocked it flying; like a tornado she had flew though the doors of apple gate house and even before I new we where related I felt something for her that a nurse was not meant to feel for there patients, Love, compassion, warmth and so much more, It seemed stupid to me that a nurse was not aloud to feel those things as in reality that was the whole of are job description, there was nothing else involved we where there to care comfort and keep safe not observe medicate and tackle which if we all worked by the book we would spend the majority of are time doing but hay that was how it was now and maybe I didn’t fit into that, maybe I should of seen my self slipping out of the nursing before but it seemed to be the arrival of Mi that slapped me around the face with the fact I maybe cared to much and I was burning out, Mi made me wonder if I could do it any more; i had had my doubts about my line of work before but they where just niggles however now the seemed to be bigger doubts and impossable to ignore.
what Mi had done cut into me and left a hole I didn’t know if I could fill again let alone be able to get the image of her lifeless body against the lino floor out of my head. It had been a month since the incident when I found her and every night I saw it again bobbing in the front of my memory. Emmet was concerned off course and I lied telling him It was a stupid recurring dream about falling every time I woke up screaming in the middle of the night; not about the death of my only recant discovered half sister; if he did know he would try and pull me away from her but suddenly it didn’t matter how I felt or how I fell down because it all boiled down to one harsh fact, I wasn’t there when she needed someone to protect her from the monsters that she had to face but now I was older and I new how I could i would save her even if saving her killed me.
Esmee
I had no Idea what the hell I was doing apart from kissing goodbye to my career if any one found me crying the corner of the room, though saying that I wasn’t sure I cared about that anymore any way. After Mia and Emmet my work was the most important thing to me but Mi seemed to of knocked it flying; like a tornado she had flew though the doors of apple gate house and even before I new we where related I felt something for her that a nurse was not meant to feel for there patients, Love, compassion, warmth and so much more, It seemed stupid to me that a nurse was not aloud to feel those things as in reality that was the whole of are job description, there was nothing else involved we where there to care comfort and keep safe not observe medicate and tackle which if we all worked by the book we would spend the majority of are time doing but hay that was how it was now and maybe I didn’t fit into that, maybe I should of seen my self slipping out of the nursing before but it seemed to be the arrival of Mi that slapped me around the face with the fact I maybe cared to much and I was burning out, Mi made me wonder if I could do it any more; i had had my doubts about my line of work before but they where just niggles however now the seemed to be bigger doubts and impossable to ignore.
what Mi had done cut into me and left a hole I didn’t know if I could fill again let alone be able to get the image of her lifeless body against the lino floor out of my head. It had been a month since the incident when I found her and every night I saw it again bobbing in the front of my memory. Emmet was concerned off course and I lied telling him It was a stupid recurring dream about falling every time I woke up screaming in the middle of the night; not about the death of my only recant discovered half sister; if he did know he would try and pull me away from her but suddenly it didn’t matter how I felt or how I fell down because it all boiled down to one harsh fact, I wasn’t there when she needed someone to protect her from the monsters that she had to face but now I was older and I new how I could i would save her even if saving her killed me.
Friday, 1 July 2011
Anybody there?
I Havent heard from lots of you latly and i was wondering if every one was doing OK. I'm always here for you guys if you ever want to talk or something. feel free to drop me an e-mail.
take care vikki
take care vikki
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