I am not sure about triggers but i could imagine that there could be and even if ther isn't i think it could in it's self be classed as upsetting, but there again i am sensative right now as i am not doing so well, so just a warning, love vikki
Find my way back to you
A few moments later the nurse who had took my hand over notes pulled back the curtains to the compartment I was in with a swoosh before stepping inside in side of course in her eyes making the cubical sound proof.
“Hello my love,” the nurse said in a voice that once again was far louder then needed for someone right beside of her though saying that she had to shout over the doctor that was two compartments down who was trying to explain to a stone deaf Margret that she had broke her hip.
“I’m going to have to ask you to get changed into a gown for me if that’s OK, I have to do an ECG and things, I can see you are in a bit of a state though so maybe you would like to clean your self up a bit before I do all of this.” In short this was polite for her saying Esmee you absolutely wreak and if I touch you like you are now I may have to wear a peg on my nose.
“How are you feeling any way? Any more light headedness?”
“No I’m Ok when I’m lying down its vertical I have a problem with.” I smiled gripping my fingers tighter around Emmet’s hand just to make sure he had no ideas of letting me go.
“All right my love, I will go and get you some soap and water and things then I will come back and give you a hand to get cleaned up if you want one, then I can do your ECG and things and by that time the doctor should be ready to see you.” The nurse smiled again sweetly swinging the curtains open as she left letting the active world of an A&E majors department into great me.
I had no idea how Emmet had pulled off so many years of working in this place everything was always so busy and there was no time to sit and work out what the next step of action was, it was all machines chest compressions and tea making with a fair amount of shouting thrown in for good measure yet he said he loved it while he was here just not as much as apple gate house and that wasn’t to mention the pay for an A&E nurse was even more abysmal then are wages.
“Will you help me out rather then her?” I asked Emmet as I tried to drag my eyes away from the whole other world that seemed to play out at the bottom of my bed, “I mean I usually am fine with washing my self and all but I have this whole vertical issue right now.”
“Esmee, you have always had a vertical issue.” Emmet smiled his face now somewhat recovering from the pain lines that had been there only a few moments ago. Even though it was not back to it’s normal self completely it was now resembling my Emmet’s face more and more and not the monster I had put there in his place and more then ever before I tried to burn the image of it into the back of my mind in case it ever went away again.
“You’re intolerable,” I joked smiling up at him. “You know what I meant.”
“It won’t be the first time I have washed and dressed you and I am sure it won’t be the last; I think I can manage.” Emmet smiled leaning forward to kiss me on the fore head.
“Ewww Emmet I covered in vomit; you don’t want to kiss me.”
“I don’t care, it feels like its been years since I kissed you last, and to think I may have never felt this again.” Emmet said his voice pained as an involuntary shiver went up his spine.
“Don’t; your just torturing you self. I promise I will never do that again. I will never argue with you or treat you wrong.”
“Don’t be a plank Esmee of course we will argue, probably several million time before are life’s are at a close but all that matters is at the end of them I will always find my way back to you.”
My man on the front line
About five minutes later the same nurse rolled a bowl of soapy water and towels into my cubical on a table with weals and put a hospital gown on the edge of my bed before leaving Emmet and my self to get me into a more suitable state.
Very gently Emmet propped the head of bed up and my head span slightly as I tried to get accustomed to sitting up again.
“Are you feeling faint again?” Emmet asked gently leaning my head down a bit more though I still wasn’t flat.
“Don’t worry about it, it will pass, soon, I’m probably coming down with a virus or something, I’m fine.”
“Yeah well they will be able to tell us that wont they.” Emmet said gently pulling my top up over my head before trying with out much success to undo my bra.
“You know you bloody hopeless,” I said putting one had behind my back and unclipping the fasten on my bra before pulling it off of my shoulders and passing it to Emmet to put on my pile of cloths before shivering as I caught sight of my naked body lying on the bed. I had never been a huge fan of my body, well Julie had first drawn my attention to it when I was about 10 and from then on I had never been comfortable sitting in my own skin. On the face of it in all honestly it really wasn’t that much different from someone else’s. In fact the shape might have been something people longed after. I was not fat even though sometimes I felt fat and no longer was I the five stone Sterlington that I had become. My tummy was flat-ish and my hips where not particularly wide and after I gave birth to Mi I had been blessed to have c breasts which where surprisingly big for a diminutive women like my self but something about it repulsed me. The shape the feel, the scars and right there I felt disgusted and worthless.
“I kind of feel hideous right now.” I admitted gently to Emmet, covering up my scared breast with my even more badly scared arms before looking away from Emmet as unexpected tears found my eyes. A man like Emmet deserved a sun kissed goddess of beauty and I at best was broken. “I’m so flawed.” I moaned swallowing heard against the lump of tears in my throat
“You’re beautiful.” Emmet said firmly but in a kind tone as he removed my arms from over my breast and looked at my naked top half for a while which almost made me feel nauseous. I new that he saw a woman he desired but I felt awful and his eyes burned as he scanned the contours of my body.
“I know you don’t feel that right now but I wish there was a way you could see you’re self though my eyes and then you would know that I’m not just making that up.” Emmet said in an almost whisper as he gently started to sponge the vomit off of my face neck and chest while his soft fingertips traced over the long raised white raised scars that criss-crossed over every patch of skin the worse ones being on my breast.
Emmet had always hated the scars on my breasts the most and when I was younger and still cut there theses where also the ones he had the most trouble excepting as he tried to wash them off and path me up. I had asked him why once and he said he wasn’t sure exactly but he felt like it was something to do with bar the vagina in was one of the most delicate and sensitive parts of the woman’s anatomy and it must of hurt like hell every time I ripped them apart. All my self harm hurt him but this seemed to effect him the worse and I remember the one time he had found out I had crossed that line even more and cut my vagina I heard him sobbing in the bathroom after he had dealt with it and that was the last time I ever abused that part of my body.
“I don’t think your flawed either,” Emmet said again gently after a few moments of what looked like deep thinking. “I think you’re hurt, but definitely not flawed, that would imply you are less then perfect and you’re perfect to me.” He confirmed.
“I can’t see that, please don’t get mad at me but I just can’t see it when I look at my self and now I just feel stupid, completely embarrassed and ugly.” I moaned as Emmet took of my Jeans and underwear before starting to sponge down my legs with the warm soapy water, his fingers once again brushing over the newer red scars on the top of my thighs.
“Why would I get mad at you, I know you cant see it and I think right now, you are struggling with your eating disorder and you have been for a while even though you have only just realized it your self.” Emmet said once again very softly as he finished with my legs and helped put my arms into the sleeves of the hospital gown, lying my bed down again once he had finished.
“If I really have got an eating disorder again Emmet, a war is coming. Can you really do that again?” I asked for my own reassurance, if he didn’t think he could do it I knew I wouldn’t have been able too.
“For you I would stand on the front line a million times.” Emmet soothed wiping the tears off of my cheeks with his thumb before pressing his lips against mine; giving me the reassurance that I so needed then. That any fights I would face would not be fort alone.
Thrown a rope
“Well if it isn’t the Bears!” A doctor by the name of Leo said after he had closed the curtains behind him and opened his arms to receive a hug by Emmet before he come over and kissed me on the cheek.
“Well if it isn’t Emmet’s worst man.” I laughed pecking Leo back on the cheek before he grabbed one of the chairs in the room and straddled it backwards glancing over the monitor that I had been strapped up to with many leads that all got tangled around me.
“So how are we both, it must have been what five days since I saw you both last, I tell you, it’s a travesty I must see my god daughter at least every day or I suffer cute withdraw you know! So any way why do we have your lovely wife wired up to the national grid right now Emmet?” Leo laughed picking him self off of the chair to press some of the buttons on the monitor that made the blood pressure cuff blow up again.
“Umm the lovely wife is lying here you know Leo, you could always just ask me.” I suggested.
“Well go on then tell me all about it. What can my mad doctoring skills help you with today?” Leo laughed.
“I fainted a few times when I was out and Emmet panicked. other then that I have a few grazes on my knees and a cut on my arm that could probably do with a few steri- strips but that aside, I am all good so can I go home now?” I asked smiling.
“I would like to see you walk out of here.” Leo said after checking the results of my blood pressure “I reckon you would be flat on the floor before you even got out of the cubical.” He said again before tilting the bed so my legs where hoisted up into the air.
“Well this is dignified, what with my being in a gown and all!” I moaned trying to arange a blanket so it sat over my legs.
“Ah I have always wanted to get your legs in the air,” Leo winked.
“Ohy! What have I said about shamelessly flirting with my wife?” Emmet joked slapping him in the back. “If it wasn’t for that fact you had a boyfriend at home I would have to deck you, you know that right… How is Lenny by the way?”
“Lens good.” Leo responded before taking a seat next to me again and pulling my right arm over to him which had the burns on them examining each one with interest and before I new it I begin to feel my new found calmness escalate back into despair making the heart monitor I was on moan in annoyance to my new bounding heart rate and my breath come quicker in my throat as I stared panic stricken into Leos face like a bunny would into headlights.
“Hay, calm it down Esmee, it’s me your dealing with here, and it’s going to be OK.” Leo said gently placing his hand on the top of my arm his whole personality switching to concerned in the space of moments and here in this change was classic of what self harm did, changed everything for the worse; in the space of seconds it could have your would tumbling down around you.
“So what are these burns from then?” Leo asked even though he, like every one else new and for a moment I hated him because it felt like he was mocking me. He was meant to be our friend, why was he making it worse?
“Leo, you know…” I started to say but he grabbed hold of the top of my arm again and gave me a small wink out the corner of his eye before asking what the burns where from again and at that moment I realised he was not mocking; he was throwing me a rope.
“I was frying eggs,” I said quickly with out even hesitating, “and well you know what they are like, they spat at me and I got burnt.” I smiled before mouthing thank you at him and giving his hand a squeeze.
“Well I think they are fine and wont need any further treatment OK, just keep them clean, and Emmet,” Leo said turning his attention away from me to Emmet, “when you see that frying pan again, give it a kick up the ass for me.”
Sunday, 6 November 2011
(Esmee) starting to see (Mi's side)
Starting to see
“Emmet, I still love you,” I moaned softly though my tears as Emmet settled him self on the chair next to my bed but refused to look at me, “Emmet talk to me at least!” I pleaded as once again my pledge of love for him went unnoticed.
“What can I say Esmee, tell me what the hell you want me to say?” Emmet said turning his face towards me that was now once again covered in tears. “You don’t love me, you just found a note, and now you feel like you have to stay.” Emmet crocked, “and I much rather turn you down here and now Esmee then have you stay with me because you feel you have too.”
“Don’t be stupid, I let you go Emmet because I thought I was doing you a favour, I thought that with out me holding you back and bringing you down you would have a beautiful and amazing life. There is no reason on this earth for you to chose to love me, you could take the pick of all women and they would all fall down to there knees and worship you so why the hell did you chose scared, stupid and completely insane me?” I yelped somewhere in between tears hyperventilation and shouting. I understood that I hurt him but why couldn’t he see that uttering all the shit about not loving him had broke me apart inside too.
“Emmet I will do whatever it takes to make you see I am telling the truth here and to make you love me again, I know I had done you wrong and I have let you down but I am so sorry. I will change, I will get better for you Emmet, it will be like I am a whole different person.” I stuttered the tears that streamed down over my face leaving a damp patch on my pillow. “I can be whoever you want me to be,” I whispered.
“You still don‘t get it though,” Emmet whined his voice strained but faint as he tried to keep it even over his own sorrow that had etched it’s self onto its face making him look old way beyond his years as he tried to blink away all his own tears. “I don’t what you to change. I want you healthy and happy but I don’t want you to hide away from me when you are sick. I love every one of those scars because they are apart of you and guess what there is even a part of me that loves Amy as well as she is also a part of you. I don’t want any other women other then exactly what you are, and I don’t want any one to worship me. When I could spend my life worshiping you.” Emmet said his voice wobbling from the passion that came with his tears and his love for me that I was slowly beginning to see was real, for in the reflection of his tears I saw my own and we both wept for the love we might have lost.
“I am not something to be worshiped Emmet, but I can see you love me and maybe I will never understand that but I will try if you come back to me. I will try and except that for some reason I am the luckiest woman alive to be love by a man like you.” I crocked trying to maintain my voice above my crushing sadness.
“But you sounded so sure that you didn’t love me any more Esmee even when I was begging you, you looked away and then throw your rings out of the window like the day I put them there didn’t matter to you any more. It seemed so simple for you to throw away my love,” Emmet moaned.
“You through yours first, I had to do it to show that I was willing to let you go even though inside my heart braking apart.”
“But I didn’t throw mine.” Emmet said gently his teary jade eyes burning though me as he put his hand into his pocket and pulled out the gold wedding band that I though he had thrown away forever.
“Maybe you should look closer at my hand.” I said gently my bitter tears turning to happy one as Emmet caught sight of my Eternity, wedding and engagement rings still staked neatly upon my finger and he come over and placed his hand In mine before wiping his tears away with the back of his spare hand and whispering the words it felt like I had been waiting forever to here,
“I love you too.”
“Emmet, I still love you,” I moaned softly though my tears as Emmet settled him self on the chair next to my bed but refused to look at me, “Emmet talk to me at least!” I pleaded as once again my pledge of love for him went unnoticed.
“What can I say Esmee, tell me what the hell you want me to say?” Emmet said turning his face towards me that was now once again covered in tears. “You don’t love me, you just found a note, and now you feel like you have to stay.” Emmet crocked, “and I much rather turn you down here and now Esmee then have you stay with me because you feel you have too.”
“Don’t be stupid, I let you go Emmet because I thought I was doing you a favour, I thought that with out me holding you back and bringing you down you would have a beautiful and amazing life. There is no reason on this earth for you to chose to love me, you could take the pick of all women and they would all fall down to there knees and worship you so why the hell did you chose scared, stupid and completely insane me?” I yelped somewhere in between tears hyperventilation and shouting. I understood that I hurt him but why couldn’t he see that uttering all the shit about not loving him had broke me apart inside too.
“Emmet I will do whatever it takes to make you see I am telling the truth here and to make you love me again, I know I had done you wrong and I have let you down but I am so sorry. I will change, I will get better for you Emmet, it will be like I am a whole different person.” I stuttered the tears that streamed down over my face leaving a damp patch on my pillow. “I can be whoever you want me to be,” I whispered.
“You still don‘t get it though,” Emmet whined his voice strained but faint as he tried to keep it even over his own sorrow that had etched it’s self onto its face making him look old way beyond his years as he tried to blink away all his own tears. “I don’t what you to change. I want you healthy and happy but I don’t want you to hide away from me when you are sick. I love every one of those scars because they are apart of you and guess what there is even a part of me that loves Amy as well as she is also a part of you. I don’t want any other women other then exactly what you are, and I don’t want any one to worship me. When I could spend my life worshiping you.” Emmet said his voice wobbling from the passion that came with his tears and his love for me that I was slowly beginning to see was real, for in the reflection of his tears I saw my own and we both wept for the love we might have lost.
“I am not something to be worshiped Emmet, but I can see you love me and maybe I will never understand that but I will try if you come back to me. I will try and except that for some reason I am the luckiest woman alive to be love by a man like you.” I crocked trying to maintain my voice above my crushing sadness.
“But you sounded so sure that you didn’t love me any more Esmee even when I was begging you, you looked away and then throw your rings out of the window like the day I put them there didn’t matter to you any more. It seemed so simple for you to throw away my love,” Emmet moaned.
“You through yours first, I had to do it to show that I was willing to let you go even though inside my heart braking apart.”
“But I didn’t throw mine.” Emmet said gently his teary jade eyes burning though me as he put his hand into his pocket and pulled out the gold wedding band that I though he had thrown away forever.
“Maybe you should look closer at my hand.” I said gently my bitter tears turning to happy one as Emmet caught sight of my Eternity, wedding and engagement rings still staked neatly upon my finger and he come over and placed his hand In mine before wiping his tears away with the back of his spare hand and whispering the words it felt like I had been waiting forever to here,
“I love you too.”
Saturday, 5 November 2011
(esmee) Nothing Is fine (Mis side)
Nothing Is fine
“This is not self harm.” I said turning on my award winning smile as I searched my head for a suitable excuse of the marks on my arms. Of course all of them would be would be far fetched nothing left perfect circular burns like the ones on my fore arm but I would fight them any way, they could not take me back into hell with out a fight.
“I was cooking eggs and you know how they spit, well they caught me awkward, Emmet can vouch for me, he was there.” I had no idea what his reaction was going to be but I had to have trust in him somewhere, before all this he loved me, before I opened my mouth he would of lied for me and maybe he would just one more time.
“I saw her do it, she’s right.” Emmet said forcing a smile for the paramedic before looking away from me again; it seemed extended eye contact hurt him to mush.
“Well I still want to take you in OK make sure there is no underlying reason for why you had the faint, and you blood pressure is still quite a bit lower then I would like it to be If I was going to leave you here.” The paramedic said looking like Emmet and my self may have been planning world domination behind his back. He had not believed my excuse about the burns and why should he have? I would have to of had super powers to make any one believe this one.
“I will go to the hospital, I don’t want to but if you think it is best of course I will,” I smiled again trying to find the despair that was somewhere inside of me, inside I knew there was little hope of me coming through this one with anything that mattered still intact, I was going to lose my husband possibly my job and my foster sun in the space of a few hours; suddenly the world span again and I could feel the blackness try and tug me under as the nausea rose in my through making me swallow heard.
“Are you feeling Ok my love, you don’t look so well any more.” The paramedic asked the form of his face floating somewhere in front of my eyes. I tried to focus on him but I could hardly stop my eyes from rolling in the back of my head.
“Esmee Honey!” The paramedic shouted shaking my shoulders heard as I began to feel my body falling again, “Esmee I’m going to lie you down OK and prop your legs up see if we can make you feel a bit better.” The paramedic yelled as he helped me down to a lying position and the other paramedic held my legs up and immediately I started to feel a bit better. My blood pressure must have been shot.
“It’s all right Esmee, everything will be fine.” The paramedic said gently as he put the oxygen back over my face again but of course that was where he was wrong; nothing was fine.
“This is not self harm.” I said turning on my award winning smile as I searched my head for a suitable excuse of the marks on my arms. Of course all of them would be would be far fetched nothing left perfect circular burns like the ones on my fore arm but I would fight them any way, they could not take me back into hell with out a fight.
“I was cooking eggs and you know how they spit, well they caught me awkward, Emmet can vouch for me, he was there.” I had no idea what his reaction was going to be but I had to have trust in him somewhere, before all this he loved me, before I opened my mouth he would of lied for me and maybe he would just one more time.
“I saw her do it, she’s right.” Emmet said forcing a smile for the paramedic before looking away from me again; it seemed extended eye contact hurt him to mush.
“Well I still want to take you in OK make sure there is no underlying reason for why you had the faint, and you blood pressure is still quite a bit lower then I would like it to be If I was going to leave you here.” The paramedic said looking like Emmet and my self may have been planning world domination behind his back. He had not believed my excuse about the burns and why should he have? I would have to of had super powers to make any one believe this one.
“I will go to the hospital, I don’t want to but if you think it is best of course I will,” I smiled again trying to find the despair that was somewhere inside of me, inside I knew there was little hope of me coming through this one with anything that mattered still intact, I was going to lose my husband possibly my job and my foster sun in the space of a few hours; suddenly the world span again and I could feel the blackness try and tug me under as the nausea rose in my through making me swallow heard.
“Are you feeling Ok my love, you don’t look so well any more.” The paramedic asked the form of his face floating somewhere in front of my eyes. I tried to focus on him but I could hardly stop my eyes from rolling in the back of my head.
“Esmee Honey!” The paramedic shouted shaking my shoulders heard as I began to feel my body falling again, “Esmee I’m going to lie you down OK and prop your legs up see if we can make you feel a bit better.” The paramedic yelled as he helped me down to a lying position and the other paramedic held my legs up and immediately I started to feel a bit better. My blood pressure must have been shot.
“It’s all right Esmee, everything will be fine.” The paramedic said gently as he put the oxygen back over my face again but of course that was where he was wrong; nothing was fine.
Friday, 4 November 2011
from her past (Emmet's side)
From her past
“If that is the case you will have to think of a way to make it right.” Esmee smiled slapping me gently on the leg and getting to her feet as the clock on the wall caught her attention.
“Do you think they are any closer to perfecting the time machine yet?” I groaned trying to wipe the tears out of my clogged up eyes before she caught sight of them. My tears hurt her the same as her’s hurt me and I had no business hurting her, even more so after what happened last night.
“Every one of us makes mistakes Emmet, we all go into each day not having a clue what will happen or weather we will be able to deal with what is thrown at us and guess what we all fall on are faces now and again. It’s not about the mistakes we make; it about how we put them right.” She smiled again trying to cover a wince as her jeans moved over the tops of her legs. They where causing her more trouble then she would ever let on.
“You have been in there Esmee as a patient how is she feeling right now?”
“How am I meant to know, I’m not her, she won’t be felling the same as I did when I was in there.”
“Then tell me how you felt?” I begged
“Completely terrified and completely alone; like no one in the world cared.” Esmee said her voice stiff with sadness as her eyes glazed over for a moment she was back in that room, alone and cold, feeling like no one cared.
“Esmee I’m sorry.” I said softly crossing the room and putting my hand on her shoulder making the flash back retreat into her past and her eyes become alive again. I always asked too much of her and regretted it every time I took her experience for granted and called upon it to help me out however I always seemed to do it.
“it’s OK Emmet, if I can help be reliving it that makes it worth while and as I said Mi isn’t me so I can’t tell you what she is feeling, but I felt so alone in there, and so scared, she needs someone in there with her and yes she will probably swear and rant at you but it’s just because she’s angry as well as sad and that’s hard to understand. In short it’s a storm, weather it with her Emmet,” Esmee said gently wiping the solitary tear off of the side of her cheek before smiling warmly at me again making it feel like the light had been aloud back into the room,
“I have to go; I got obs and you know what to do Em; if any one can help her it’s you.”
“If that is the case you will have to think of a way to make it right.” Esmee smiled slapping me gently on the leg and getting to her feet as the clock on the wall caught her attention.
“Do you think they are any closer to perfecting the time machine yet?” I groaned trying to wipe the tears out of my clogged up eyes before she caught sight of them. My tears hurt her the same as her’s hurt me and I had no business hurting her, even more so after what happened last night.
“Every one of us makes mistakes Emmet, we all go into each day not having a clue what will happen or weather we will be able to deal with what is thrown at us and guess what we all fall on are faces now and again. It’s not about the mistakes we make; it about how we put them right.” She smiled again trying to cover a wince as her jeans moved over the tops of her legs. They where causing her more trouble then she would ever let on.
“You have been in there Esmee as a patient how is she feeling right now?”
“How am I meant to know, I’m not her, she won’t be felling the same as I did when I was in there.”
“Then tell me how you felt?” I begged
“Completely terrified and completely alone; like no one in the world cared.” Esmee said her voice stiff with sadness as her eyes glazed over for a moment she was back in that room, alone and cold, feeling like no one cared.
“Esmee I’m sorry.” I said softly crossing the room and putting my hand on her shoulder making the flash back retreat into her past and her eyes become alive again. I always asked too much of her and regretted it every time I took her experience for granted and called upon it to help me out however I always seemed to do it.
“it’s OK Emmet, if I can help be reliving it that makes it worth while and as I said Mi isn’t me so I can’t tell you what she is feeling, but I felt so alone in there, and so scared, she needs someone in there with her and yes she will probably swear and rant at you but it’s just because she’s angry as well as sad and that’s hard to understand. In short it’s a storm, weather it with her Emmet,” Esmee said gently wiping the solitary tear off of the side of her cheek before smiling warmly at me again making it feel like the light had been aloud back into the room,
“I have to go; I got obs and you know what to do Em; if any one can help her it’s you.”
(Esmee) game over (mis side)
Game over.
I did not take the ambulance long to arrive and the only way they could of looked more conspicuous as they being lead through the train station by a guard was if they stopped and did a hero pose while people blew fog into the faces. I shrank back into my self hoping that I may have been able to turn into the invisible woman.
“Hello my love have we had a fall?” One of the paramedics hollered as soon as he reached me almost blowing my head off of my shoulder with how load he spoke and this for a moment made Emmet chuckle to him self and my whole body lit up as I saw it, like someone had come and started to gently warm me up and for a few seconds I could laugh to as I remembered the same inside joke Emmet had.
The joke of course was that the extra loud voice that the older greying paramedic had just used was what we used to call the cures of the A&E team.
You could go to work in the morning as quiet as a mouse and time you got home in the evening it was guaranteed that you will be taking a good few decibels louder then what was needed, and this is due to the fact that at any given time A&E could be filled with over 90% older people, older people that where heard of hearing, older people that where heard of hearing and had a hearing aid but refused to wear the damn thing so the only way to communicate was by shouting and a series of ill though out inappropriate hand gestures. According to Emmet there is certain etiquette for miming vomiting and diarrhoea.
“Did you take a tumble my love?” The paramedic shouted again this time louder and accompanied my a little mime that would have made him a champion at charades.
“My hearings impeccable. For once there is no need to shout and, and no I didn’t fall, I am completely fine now.” I grumbled rolling my eyes as the paramedic basically ignored what I was saying and pressed his two fingers to the back of my wrist before writing 128 on the back of his glove.
“Your pulse it hammering away, what’s your name my love?” The paramedic asked again,
“Esmee and I told you I’m fine I just need to go home and calm down.” I grumbled even though the other paramedic had all ready got an oxygen monitor out of his bag and was busy attaching it to my finger and the same time as trying to do my blood pressure.
“She fainted, come round a few minutes later after the sternum rub, she has been fully aware ever since but her pulse is still a little high.” Emmet chirped brushing away my view of the situation while sounding more like a doctor then my husband and something inside me tensed again, that was why he was still there, because he was a nurse and he felt like he had to be; not because he loved me.
“Oxygen is between 96 and 97.” The paramedic with the oxygen monitor said before turning his attention to my blood pressure.
“Now that’s just impossible I was hyperventilating a few minuets ago and that is why I passed out. There is no way it can be that low” why was I arguing with a machine?
“Why where you hyperventilating?”
“Panic attacks, I have always had then and that guy there who has given you the low down is not just a nurse he is my husband and knows that!” I snapped
“Well if he is a nurse maybe you should trust his opinions more, after all have you been to uni and done all the training?”
“Yes.” probably more then this paramedic had
“What?”
“I’m also a nurse, and we both specialize in psychiatry so in reality none of us really know what we are doing… and I do not need oxygen!” I snapped turning my head away as the paramedic tried to attach a mask over my face as I ranted at him.
“Well as you have just said you don’t know what you are doing maybe you should let me decide that.” The paramedic smiled before attaching the mask over my face as I rolled my eyes at him while supporting a pout my two year old would have been proud of.
“Well my dear, I think you are going to be just fine but I would like to take you to the hospital and get you checked out by a doctor if that is ok. I am a little bit worried about these burns on your arms as well to be honest.” My insides went cold:
“Why, they are only just second degree burns, they will heal soon enough.” I stammered the fight suddenly falling out of me as the nausea settled somewhere high in the back of my throat. How had Emmet not put my sleeve down when I had been out? Why hadn’t he directed them towards my other arm where the non self inflicted cut was? There would have been a time when he would have. There would have been a time when I wouldn’t have been propped up against the railing when he stood over me, but in his warm arms cradled into him. There would have been a time when he told me that it was all going to be OK and not talked like he had just found me passing over the bridge before I passed out. There was a time when he loved me.
“I’m not to worried about the burns them self Esmee, more the fact of how they got there. I can tell by all these scars that you are no stranger to self harm my love.”
Game over.
I did not take the ambulance long to arrive and the only way they could of looked more conspicuous as they being lead through the train station by a guard was if they stopped and did a hero pose while people blew fog into the faces. I shrank back into my self hoping that I may have been able to turn into the invisible woman.
“Hello my love have we had a fall?” One of the paramedics hollered as soon as he reached me almost blowing my head off of my shoulder with how load he spoke and this for a moment made Emmet chuckle to him self and my whole body lit up as I saw it, like someone had come and started to gently warm me up and for a few seconds I could laugh to as I remembered the same inside joke Emmet had.
The joke of course was that the extra loud voice that the older greying paramedic had just used was what we used to call the cures of the A&E team.
You could go to work in the morning as quiet as a mouse and time you got home in the evening it was guaranteed that you will be taking a good few decibels louder then what was needed, and this is due to the fact that at any given time A&E could be filled with over 90% older people, older people that where heard of hearing, older people that where heard of hearing and had a hearing aid but refused to wear the damn thing so the only way to communicate was by shouting and a series of ill though out inappropriate hand gestures. According to Emmet there is certain etiquette for miming vomiting and diarrhoea.
“Did you take a tumble my love?” The paramedic shouted again this time louder and accompanied my a little mime that would have made him a champion at charades.
“My hearings impeccable. For once there is no need to shout and, and no I didn’t fall, I am completely fine now.” I grumbled rolling my eyes as the paramedic basically ignored what I was saying and pressed his two fingers to the back of my wrist before writing 128 on the back of his glove.
“Your pulse it hammering away, what’s your name my love?” The paramedic asked again,
“Esmee and I told you I’m fine I just need to go home and calm down.” I grumbled even though the other paramedic had all ready got an oxygen monitor out of his bag and was busy attaching it to my finger and the same time as trying to do my blood pressure.
“She fainted, come round a few minutes later after the sternum rub, she has been fully aware ever since but her pulse is still a little high.” Emmet chirped brushing away my view of the situation while sounding more like a doctor then my husband and something inside me tensed again, that was why he was still there, because he was a nurse and he felt like he had to be; not because he loved me.
“Oxygen is between 96 and 97.” The paramedic with the oxygen monitor said before turning his attention to my blood pressure.
“Now that’s just impossible I was hyperventilating a few minuets ago and that is why I passed out. There is no way it can be that low” why was I arguing with a machine?
“Why where you hyperventilating?”
“Panic attacks, I have always had then and that guy there who has given you the low down is not just a nurse he is my husband and knows that!” I snapped
“Well if he is a nurse maybe you should trust his opinions more, after all have you been to uni and done all the training?”
“Yes.” probably more then this paramedic had
“What?”
“I’m also a nurse, and we both specialize in psychiatry so in reality none of us really know what we are doing… and I do not need oxygen!” I snapped turning my head away as the paramedic tried to attach a mask over my face as I ranted at him.
“Well as you have just said you don’t know what you are doing maybe you should let me decide that.” The paramedic smiled before attaching the mask over my face as I rolled my eyes at him while supporting a pout my two year old would have been proud of.
“Well my dear, I think you are going to be just fine but I would like to take you to the hospital and get you checked out by a doctor if that is ok. I am a little bit worried about these burns on your arms as well to be honest.” My insides went cold:
“Why, they are only just second degree burns, they will heal soon enough.” I stammered the fight suddenly falling out of me as the nausea settled somewhere high in the back of my throat. How had Emmet not put my sleeve down when I had been out? Why hadn’t he directed them towards my other arm where the non self inflicted cut was? There would have been a time when he would have. There would have been a time when I wouldn’t have been propped up against the railing when he stood over me, but in his warm arms cradled into him. There would have been a time when he told me that it was all going to be OK and not talked like he had just found me passing over the bridge before I passed out. There was a time when he loved me.
“I’m not to worried about the burns them self Esmee, more the fact of how they got there. I can tell by all these scars that you are no stranger to self harm my love.”
Game over.
Wednesday, 2 November 2011
The punishment for her tears. (Emmets side)
i felt Emmets side needed reviving. So he's back!
The punishment for her tears.
It’s a fucking mess that’s what it is Esmee; the whole thing is a mess.” I moaned walking away from her and flumping down on one of the generic blue arm chairs my heart dropping as Esmee mentioned Mi again; I was regretting my decision to but her into the ECA more and more by the second and soon I would have to go in there and face her.
“I must say I have been glancing throw her file and she seems pretty messed up however her past is full of shady black spots to be honest, the whole thing shouts of chronic abuse of all kinds. She’s going to be a tough one that’s for sure.” Esmee concluded coming over and sitting on the chair opposite me. “So who’s with her now?”
“I am.” I groaned putting my head into my hands “Well at least I will be when I can find the will to go in there. At the moment I am somewhere between quitting and crying again.” I moaned once again feeling sorry for my self.
“Well don’t cry because whatever this fucking mess is we can sort it out and if you really can’t go back in there I will and you can do Rebecca’s obs, I’m a fresh face to all of this it may help.”
“I wouldn’t bet on it, there is one thing I can assure you and that is right now she hates us all with a passion.”
“Of course she does, but it is only fear and lack of trust. She see’s us all as the enemy because from what I can tell she had never had anyone on her side. So how has she come to be In the ECA anyway, it’s unlike Crystal to use that RRA for a genuine reason.” Esmee smiled leaning over and kissing my cheek which made me smile to. It felt almost impossible to feel down when she was so close to me and slowly she was making me feel like I could face the world again; including the teenager who I had just so badly betrayed.
“Well I didn’t want to put her there and in hindsight I shouldn’t off but at the time everything was a mess and I needed to think of a solution fast. I mean Crystal said she had tried to attack her and you know the rules on paper as well as I do Esmee if a client tries to hurt a member of staff it it’s right off to the ECA. What Else could I have done?”
“What, besides making a banner, buying one of those epic foam gloves and cheering her on?” Esmee laughed slipping off of the arm so she was sat on my lap fully before she reached over and gave me another peck on the cheek which made my lips curl up playfully at the edges.
“Emmet you’re not a bad person nor are you bad at your job if you put Mi in the ECA there had to be some ground for doing that.”
“I wish there was Esmee I really do but I keep replying that situation over and over again in my head and there really wasn’t. All she did was cry and I through her into a padded cell.”
The punishment for her tears.
It’s a fucking mess that’s what it is Esmee; the whole thing is a mess.” I moaned walking away from her and flumping down on one of the generic blue arm chairs my heart dropping as Esmee mentioned Mi again; I was regretting my decision to but her into the ECA more and more by the second and soon I would have to go in there and face her.
“I must say I have been glancing throw her file and she seems pretty messed up however her past is full of shady black spots to be honest, the whole thing shouts of chronic abuse of all kinds. She’s going to be a tough one that’s for sure.” Esmee concluded coming over and sitting on the chair opposite me. “So who’s with her now?”
“I am.” I groaned putting my head into my hands “Well at least I will be when I can find the will to go in there. At the moment I am somewhere between quitting and crying again.” I moaned once again feeling sorry for my self.
“Well don’t cry because whatever this fucking mess is we can sort it out and if you really can’t go back in there I will and you can do Rebecca’s obs, I’m a fresh face to all of this it may help.”
“I wouldn’t bet on it, there is one thing I can assure you and that is right now she hates us all with a passion.”
“Of course she does, but it is only fear and lack of trust. She see’s us all as the enemy because from what I can tell she had never had anyone on her side. So how has she come to be In the ECA anyway, it’s unlike Crystal to use that RRA for a genuine reason.” Esmee smiled leaning over and kissing my cheek which made me smile to. It felt almost impossible to feel down when she was so close to me and slowly she was making me feel like I could face the world again; including the teenager who I had just so badly betrayed.
“Well I didn’t want to put her there and in hindsight I shouldn’t off but at the time everything was a mess and I needed to think of a solution fast. I mean Crystal said she had tried to attack her and you know the rules on paper as well as I do Esmee if a client tries to hurt a member of staff it it’s right off to the ECA. What Else could I have done?”
“What, besides making a banner, buying one of those epic foam gloves and cheering her on?” Esmee laughed slipping off of the arm so she was sat on my lap fully before she reached over and gave me another peck on the cheek which made my lips curl up playfully at the edges.
“Emmet you’re not a bad person nor are you bad at your job if you put Mi in the ECA there had to be some ground for doing that.”
“I wish there was Esmee I really do but I keep replying that situation over and over again in my head and there really wasn’t. All she did was cry and I through her into a padded cell.”
(Esmee) in time, under the train (mi's side)
In time
I screamed his name at the top of my voice making every one around me jump and stare like I had lost my mind. In fact it seemed that the entire population of platform one might have heard me except one and that was the only person I was trying too get to notice me.
The speeding train was getting closer now and I noticed Emmet give a quick glance round before he casually put one leg up on the bottom run of the fence pretending to do up his shoe lace when in facet he was preparing his self to volt the fence; I had seconds.
Shrieking at the top of my voice I pushed my tired body through my dizzy haze and sprinted towards the stares trying to take them two at a time before I misplaced my footing half way up and my body fell down to smack against the stairs, bruising my shins and grazing my knees and hands as I tried to save my self at the same time as ripping my arm open against something sharp on the railings.
Once again concerned people stopped and tried to see if I was OK but I was back on my feet before any of them had chance to trey and help me and I was running again the train was really close now and Emmet would be ready to jump down to great it as it rushed past.
“Emmet! I shrieked again as I reached the top of the stair and span madly around the corner to get to the bridge almost knocking over a young man that called me a “fucking stupid cow” before growling and walking off
“Emmet stop! Emmet don’t! Emmet!” I Cried, and Catching his name just in time he stopped and looked at me as the train past underneath us in a whirl.
I had never seen his face like I saw it then, the grief upon it made my soul ach and his eyes where red from his still falling tears. His whole body looked like he had just been beaten up and he stood like someone had sucked every last ounce of happiness and strength out of him.
“Emmet I whispered again,” Trying unsuccessfully to catch my breath as I made my body move the rest of the way to him. “I found your note,” I squeaked before the blackness swirled around me and my body fell down to meat the floor.
Under the train
“Esmee! Esmee, can you here me? Esmee! Will someone call me an ambulance?”
“Is she all right mate?”
“Dose she look all right? Call me an Ambulance!”
“And tell them what?”
“”To get the arses here now! Just call me a fucking ambulance!
“All right, all right, you’re an ambulance” I moaned trying to pull my eyes back open away from the thick blackness that surrounded me even though I didn’t want to. Suddenly I was tired and for a few seconds I felt my self drift again before painful knuckles rubbed under my collar bone and Emmet shouted again;
“Esmee! Stay with me, Esmee keep taking to me! Open your eyes!”
“I still love you,” I crocked managing to get my lips to smile just before I finally managed to persuade my eyes to flicker open as well. I wanted to see his face again, no more then a few hours could of passed between the time that I had made the biggest mistake of my life that almost killed us both and where we where now but it felt like years sine I saw his face up close or felt his arms around me and I wanted that more then anything else.
The world around me spun fast as I tried to get my eyes to focus onto Emmet who was hunched over next to me his face up close next to mine so he could here my jumbled speech.
“I still love you.” I whispered out again hoping that he hadn’t responded last time because he hadn’t heard me properly but he did not respond again, instead his eyes glazed over with tears; he didn’t believe me and there was no way I could make him.
“You’re extremely tachy.” Emmet moaned his two fingers pressed over the back of my wrist.
“Oh thanks,”
“I meant you heart rate,”
“I know what you meant Emmet,” I moaned turning my head away from him, “I was trying to be funny.”
“Do you think this is funny?”
“Oh for fuck sake, I fainted that’s all, I was hyperventilating and I fainted I’m fine now just let me get up and we can go home, problem over.”
“I’m not sure I live there any more.” Emmet sighed looking away from me as he went about trying to dab the blood away from the grazes on my knees and the cut on my arm but I moved them away in defiance.
“I still love you Emmet.” I moaned even though I had given up on him saying that he loved me too, after all I asked for this, this is what I wanted when I had chose to tell him that I didn’t love him any more however I hadn’t planed to live this long with out him by my side; it should have been me under that train.
I screamed his name at the top of my voice making every one around me jump and stare like I had lost my mind. In fact it seemed that the entire population of platform one might have heard me except one and that was the only person I was trying too get to notice me.
The speeding train was getting closer now and I noticed Emmet give a quick glance round before he casually put one leg up on the bottom run of the fence pretending to do up his shoe lace when in facet he was preparing his self to volt the fence; I had seconds.
Shrieking at the top of my voice I pushed my tired body through my dizzy haze and sprinted towards the stares trying to take them two at a time before I misplaced my footing half way up and my body fell down to smack against the stairs, bruising my shins and grazing my knees and hands as I tried to save my self at the same time as ripping my arm open against something sharp on the railings.
Once again concerned people stopped and tried to see if I was OK but I was back on my feet before any of them had chance to trey and help me and I was running again the train was really close now and Emmet would be ready to jump down to great it as it rushed past.
“Emmet! I shrieked again as I reached the top of the stair and span madly around the corner to get to the bridge almost knocking over a young man that called me a “fucking stupid cow” before growling and walking off
“Emmet stop! Emmet don’t! Emmet!” I Cried, and Catching his name just in time he stopped and looked at me as the train past underneath us in a whirl.
I had never seen his face like I saw it then, the grief upon it made my soul ach and his eyes where red from his still falling tears. His whole body looked like he had just been beaten up and he stood like someone had sucked every last ounce of happiness and strength out of him.
“Emmet I whispered again,” Trying unsuccessfully to catch my breath as I made my body move the rest of the way to him. “I found your note,” I squeaked before the blackness swirled around me and my body fell down to meat the floor.
Under the train
“Esmee! Esmee, can you here me? Esmee! Will someone call me an ambulance?”
“Is she all right mate?”
“Dose she look all right? Call me an Ambulance!”
“And tell them what?”
“”To get the arses here now! Just call me a fucking ambulance!
“All right, all right, you’re an ambulance” I moaned trying to pull my eyes back open away from the thick blackness that surrounded me even though I didn’t want to. Suddenly I was tired and for a few seconds I felt my self drift again before painful knuckles rubbed under my collar bone and Emmet shouted again;
“Esmee! Stay with me, Esmee keep taking to me! Open your eyes!”
“I still love you,” I crocked managing to get my lips to smile just before I finally managed to persuade my eyes to flicker open as well. I wanted to see his face again, no more then a few hours could of passed between the time that I had made the biggest mistake of my life that almost killed us both and where we where now but it felt like years sine I saw his face up close or felt his arms around me and I wanted that more then anything else.
The world around me spun fast as I tried to get my eyes to focus onto Emmet who was hunched over next to me his face up close next to mine so he could here my jumbled speech.
“I still love you.” I whispered out again hoping that he hadn’t responded last time because he hadn’t heard me properly but he did not respond again, instead his eyes glazed over with tears; he didn’t believe me and there was no way I could make him.
“You’re extremely tachy.” Emmet moaned his two fingers pressed over the back of my wrist.
“Oh thanks,”
“I meant you heart rate,”
“I know what you meant Emmet,” I moaned turning my head away from him, “I was trying to be funny.”
“Do you think this is funny?”
“Oh for fuck sake, I fainted that’s all, I was hyperventilating and I fainted I’m fine now just let me get up and we can go home, problem over.”
“I’m not sure I live there any more.” Emmet sighed looking away from me as he went about trying to dab the blood away from the grazes on my knees and the cut on my arm but I moved them away in defiance.
“I still love you Emmet.” I moaned even though I had given up on him saying that he loved me too, after all I asked for this, this is what I wanted when I had chose to tell him that I didn’t love him any more however I hadn’t planed to live this long with out him by my side; it should have been me under that train.
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