Knives of ice and sweetness (Mi's side)

Ahh i so loce writing this i have no idea why. This chapter is happy and sad so as always safty first
enjoy


Knives of ice and sweetness

Mi

Somewhere in the middle of the night my head found an uneasy sleep but it hadn’t lasted long and I woke again at about three in the morning. My head hurt and I felt sick as I always did these days but I did not move out of the bed. In light of my recant depression my anti- depressants had been upped again to what felt like an inhuman amount and now every morning before breakfast I had to swallow six bitter little pills. The constant sickness and nausea was cause by this but Dr. Jordan didn’t seemed to care much about side effects and prescribed yet more tablets to stop this and suggested that I kept same bowls in my room as I was mostly sick when I first tried to move in the mornings. He seemed to forget the fact that being sick was uncomfortable and draining not to mention horribly triggering.

The clocks had since gone back so the mornings where now brighter and the unit was soaked in an eyrie glow by 6am. Sometimes if I could find the energy in my self I would sit up pull back the icky speckled curtains and stair out onto the grounds. I used to hate the fact that the fence was so tall and the way the security lights flashed like they where on guard from where they sat proudly on top of it. I used to hate the fact the car park was nearly deserted apart from a few staff cars that would sit there as they worked the night shift in the unit but all those little things seemed not to matter any more. In fact I had become to welcome the enclosure at least in here you where safe from the crowds and demons that lurked out there.

Twice that morning I tried to persuade my body to get up and look out the window but the exercise of doing so had long become just another devise to torture my self with. Every morning I peeked down at the car park longing to see that gleaming red Nissan Note or that soft powder blue Honda Jazz looking back up at me but they where never there any more and it hurt too much to see there empty spaces in the head nurses bays.

As always the rest of the unit started to stir at about seven when the night staff where getting ready to go home at half past and the early shift where getting there bearings and taking there seats in the nurses station or by the doors of there sleeping ambers or reds like ghosts in the night, changing shifting and moving but always there somehow like magic or a curse.

More then once that morning I thought I heard Esmee’s soft and concerned voice asking questions about something or someone but this wasn’t so unheard of. My mind had fooled me and tricked me that she was there before and the same thing happened for Emmet as well. I could remember the day he first walked into my room at the unit and I was so scared of him and how now it seemed so stupid because if he was to walk in that door now I would run up to him, throw my arms around him and try never to let him go. Emmet was the closest thing I had ever felt to how a farther should be but I had lost him and I had lost another sister as well in Esmee. When would the world decide I had lost enough?

My body shook with silent sobbing as I remembered their faces and all the things they had done for me over the six short months I had known them. How they made me feel hope, how they had eased my hurting and how the fact I had allowed my self to become so intertwined with them that it could hurt this much when they where not here any more.

My crying lasted to 8am when the doors started banging open and nurses started calling out names to try and prise reluctant clients out of there beds. Some staff where loud and abrupt about it, smashing doors and pulling open curtains, some where funny and used tickling out of tune singing their favourite songs being Morning has broken and the sun has got his hat on and others where softer… well they used to be softer.

“Mi, come on Hun it’s time to get up and get ready for breakfast A soft deep voice whispered somewhere close to my bed when it was my turn for the wake up call and normally I would have shot up in seconds yanked open my curtains if they all ready hadn’t and scampered off to the bathroom with out saying a world but this morning I could not bring my self to prise my eyes open because for a moment I thought I had drifted back to sleep and for the first time in a long time a pleasant dream had found me. This was Emmet’s wake up call I remembered it so well and I wanted to hold on there for just a few more seconds in dream induced bliss.

“Come on sleepy head, it’s time to open them eyes; we’ve missed you.” I could feel my body tense as the sweet words drifted through me like knives of sweet ice stabbing somewhere into my chest and soon the tears had come back making my whole body shudder and shake as I squeezed my eyes shut tighter the tears dripping out from under my eye lashes and onto my all ready damp pillow.

“So your all ready awake, just can’t face seeing the world just yet then, well that’s OK you’ll get there.” The voice of Emmet said gently just before I felt the familiar hand on my shoulder and the tears came thicker faster and slightly noisier. This dream sequence had once again turned into a night mare. He was there but that hurt because it wasn’t really him and as always with my dreams they where not happy until I was screaming.

“Come on Mi, up you get. Let’s get you dressed and ready and we can have a chat after breakfast see if we can work out why you are feeling quite so down right now.”

Unable to bear it any more I opened my eyes to try and get the voice of Emmet to leave me, but as I opened my eyes he was still there, solid and real knelt down close at the side of my bed just like he had never left there at all. Like the three weeks of hell I had lived though never had happened, and even though I knew I was opening my self up to get torn apart all over again I couldn’t help it as I felt by body leaping off of the side of the bed towards him and onto his lap arms locked solidly around his neck as I sobbed heavily into his chest.

(Esmee) Nine (Mis side)

Nine

“So we have covered discharges and learnt some thing.” Emmet smiled gently giving me a wink as he tried to break the silence that had fallen over the office, “What about admissions.”

“Now this is where the fun starts,” Edward sighed rolling his eyes before pointing to the white board that was behind him and riddled with names and basic information. “We got three out and five in. “Looks like you have both been assigned to Madeline Jinx when she comes and Esmee to James Bryan and You have Peter Page with my self and Ava Emmet, so you best get reading up about them. The others are Thomas Walker and Rainy Waters.”
“Well that’s an unfortunate name.” Emmet smiled trying to hold back a giggle under his breath at the same time as me.

“You’re telling me,” Edward smiled

“Well we shouldn’t laugh,” I said snorting any way. “And that’s from someone coming who has had silly last name-itsu all their lives.”

“Your maiden name was worse then bear?” Edward joked just before Emmet went round to his side of the desk and bopped him playfully over his head with an exercise book before going over and giving Alice and giving her the same treatment who had given up on trying to write and now had her whole fist in her mouth trying to stop herself laughing a laugh.

“Well you got to tell us.” Alice prompted trying to keep a straight face

“I would say promise not to laugh but you will any way so I might as well just get on with it. It was monster.”

“So you where an Esmee monster?” Edward said his lips clenched in a thin line across his face before both Alice Emmet and him self burst out into hysterical laughing and I rolled my eyes going over the admissions board to have a closer look.

“Hay, Hay guys!” I shouted above the laughter trying to get there attention. “I think we got Madeline’s Date of birth wrong.” I called working out the numbers in my head twice to make sure I hadn’t got it wrong.

“Nope, we haven’t.”

“But this makes her …

“Nine. We know.” Edward said, “We are as surprised and unhappy about it as you are.”

“We are only licensed for ten and up though.” I said suppressed turning around and bumping into Emmet who had also come to have a closer look at the board.

“If you look she is ten next week and that is when she will be here.”

(Esmee) Never be the same (Mi's side)

Never be the same.

I went back to work on the Monday for the early shift as well as Emmet. Ava he been half heartedly trying to keep us in the know how about what was going on but mostly she just refused to talk about it saying I was off of work or a reason. She had even refused to tell me anything about Mi other then she had managed to prise the glass off of her with the help from Bella, Summer and Connor and she had been safe ever since so was now on Entry level observations. My heart had leapt when I heard this because I knew what it meant. Her first visit to our house would be immanent now with the out look of discharging her somewhere in the next four months.

We arrived to work nearly three hours early knowing there would be reams and reams of files to go through before we could get back into the swing of things not to mention any new admissions or changes in condition and when we let our self’s into the office at five that morning we much to the surprise of Alice and Edward who where writing up the night time notes we where glad we had as both white boards where littered with client information and files where day books where strewn all over the place with out much order. It appeared in our absence lots had happened.

“Well you two are a sight for sore eyes even if you are ridiculously early.” Edward said looking up from a day book that he was writing in. “This place really has been a mess with out you. Want the low down?” He smiled at the same time as letting out a sigh.

“Of course. How is every one?

“Well let’s start with Discharges. We have lost Ella, Conner and Jack,” Edward smiled. Discharges because of progress where happy things and these had been in the pipe line for a while. Ella had spent fifteen months with us and was long overdue to be going back home again. Of course with Ella there was always a chance we would be seeing her again as she was a frequent patient in apple gate house but we where always hopeful that one day she would remain well. Jack had been with us for just over six moths and we all saw his anxiety was now under control and he was doing well and Connor had always been a personal favourite of mine. He was hurt badly by his obsessive compulsion to touch hot things and his life had been controlled to the point of self destruction for the need to be clean and for things to be in odd numbers. He had come to us depressed and broken a part nearly a year ago but we saw him come alive and now he did not belong with us any more though a part of me would miss him sorely for a few days.

“No update on Bella’s discharge yet then?” I asked sighing. Her discharge had been planed for almost six weeks earlier but that was before we had found out what she was doing. At first it looked like after almost twelve months of trying she had beaten her eating disorder. She had reached her target weight and maintained it well and it had been a long time since we had to use her PEG or even give her the Ensure. Her move on meetings where good and she had a place lined up for her in a moving on eating disorders rehabilitation unit where the support would be minimal but there in case she needed it but then when I was doing weigh in one morning Everything fell apart.

“Afraid not Ez, like you said she had been on a slippery slope since you found out what she was doing.” Edward sighed before spinning around on his chair and pointing up at the notice board for today’s tasks, the top one being “insertion of NG tube for Bella Reynolds,” Her PEG had been removed in prep for her discharge and in a celebration of it not being needed, it seemed now the choice had been made prematurely.

“I will do it after breakfast.” I said sadly going over to the board and putting my initials beside the task before turning to Emmet to see if he would help. I didn’t have to say anything before he gave a small nod and I wrote his initials next to mine.

“Poor kid, she must still be mortified by what happened.” I moaned softly.

“To be perfectly honest I’m still not sure why she let it get that bed.” Alice said her voice floating in from know where as she pushed one book aside and started on another. I caught the name Mia written on the front and had to restrain my self to stop me throwing my self across the table at it. I was not looking forward to reading what our absence had done to her; or Connors discharge but at least when I new I could start to rebuild some of the rope bridges I had all ready made.

“She was water loading.” I said simply to Alice trying to pull my eyes away from the book she was writing.

“I know she was water loading but water loading or not if I was that desperate to pee I would have just gone. Surly that would have been better then just standing there and wetting your self in front of a nurse. I mean she knew you where going to think something was up if she did that any way. I’m sorry I just don’t get it.” Alice said sharking her head in disbelief which was mimicked by Edward. God these people needed educating.

“Well I get it.” I answered back trying to keep the slight irritation out of my voice.

“Well are you going to let us in on it then?” Alice asked looking up from the book again.

“Just put your self in her shoes. I said as I scanned my eyes down over the rest of the list before coming to the bottom one that read, Try and get Mi to talk, I was confused but quickly wrote Emmet and my self’s initials after it any way I wanted an excuse to spend some time with her.

“The trouble is Esmee none of us have ever been in her shoes have me and there is only so much stuff role play can teach us, to be there would be different and well we just haven’t been.” Alice smiled sadly

“I have.” I responded quietly not sure weather I really wanted her to here me or not. My past at work was unknown to even the staff with the exception of Jean who had only found out recently. It wasn’t because I was purposefully trying to hide it for I was not ashamed of it but in the current times and workings of apple gate house it wasn’t really important and no one had ever asked anyway.

“You have pissed you self in front of a weigh in nurse?” Alice asked simply while she laughed unperturbed by exactly how judgmental and harsh her words sounded against my ears on how if I was weaker she would have brought me to my knees.

“And there it is Alice right there,” I smiled turning away from the board to face her, she needed to learn this lesson now or in years she would turn into a Crystal junior. With out the occasional archer it was very easy to become numb to the suffering around you after years on the job and Alice had been there long enough now to not to care any more. As head nurse it was my job to make sure she did not lose her humanity for all of our sakes.

“There’s what?”

“In that one sentence there you made me feel about three inches tall and completely worthless. Yes I have water loaded and yes I have wet my self in front of the weigh in nurse because that morning I hadn’t calculated it right and drank too much just a little bit too early.” I stated in a matter of fact tone even though in reality right then it felt like I was trying to face the world alone. Alice just stared me like I had announced to them I was actually a man and was going to give up my nursing job to strip in a transgender night club.

“I… I mean… What…I?” Alice babbled her face lighting up in a brilliant red as she fumbled with the book in front of her trying to hide her face behind her hand.

“Look, Alice its fine and I’m sorry, don’t get upset or embarrassed about this I am just trying to help you understand like you asked me too.” I said grabbing a spare chair that was behind one of the desks and pulling it up closer to her sitting down my self.

“Well I feel like an idiot.”

“Don’t your learning and that’s all part of it here,” I smiled putting my hand on her shoulder. “I know that it is easy to make judgments about someone or something they do it’s a natural thing and we all do it all the time; I bet for a second when I said that you thought I was crazy. The thing is you know me better then that right and respect me for what I am now so that’s why your now embarrassed.”

“You just seem like the most unlikely person. Or are you just saying this to make me think?”

“I’m not lying. I came here when I was 16 and I left about a year later,” I said gently but Alice still looked unconvinced.

“Look Emmet will you drive the point home here.” I asked over my shoulder to Emmet who seemed to be standing on guard behind me like I had expected him to be. His protectiveness had gone into overdrive since he found out I was pregnant and this would have been a subject he would of like to have avoided me bringing up on my first day back to work. I was never all that good at talking about my past and at times it had upset me and he knew this as most of the time it had been him I was talking to.

“She was here,” He said stiffly, confirming what I was saying while putting a hand on my shoulder. I nuzzled it gently with my cheek trying to tell him I was OK and moved along with the conversation.

“Besides it doesn’t really matter if I was here or not. What you got to think of is Bella is a human and not just a product of this place and she is ill. All she has heard about for the last few months is her progress, which means all she has seen and heard is everybody now thinks she is fat and she feels bloody horrible about her self yet she hasn’t told any of us because after over 12 months here she wants out so she has found a way to lose the weight and found a deceive to deceive the scales and us in the process so she runs with it and before she knows it she is stuck so deep in the middle of it all she had no idea how to get out and there is no one she feels like she can turn to that wont resort in her stay here being extended so she carries it on. So one morning you have done the same trick as you usually do but as you are getting thinner you obviously have to drink more and more to compensate the weight loss and you realise half way though the weigh in that you really have to go but if you ask the nurse and leave she is going to want a urine sample to make sure your not water loading which would be confirmed when you come back any way because your weights going to have dropped a good few pounds or you weight sit it out and hope that she gets on with it quickly, after all you have been doing this for weeks and you have always made it to the loo before.

So you sit there and it’s uncomfortable and it hurts and quite frankly you feel like crying because of it all until finally she calls you over to the scales you get up and it all happens and once and there is nothing you can do abut it apart from stand there and pee your self in front of everyone and try not to cry from the embarrassment of it all but that isn’t even the worse thing, the worse thing is in the end it would all be for nothing as well because with that your game is up and it will be common knowledge to every one that you are losing weight. Lets be honest here Alice, poor old Bella didn’t have a chance that morning.” I said trying to smile even though somewhere at the back of my eyes I could feel the tears sit. What I had just described was one of my worse times in the unit and t had shoved another four months on my stay. I hated my self for days after it happened and I could never again look at any of the staff with out wanting to run away for each of then had known what happened and in the back of my head I knew when they where copped up in this office together some of them would have been picking fun at it and others would have been shaking there heads in mute disbelief. I felt a shiver go down the back of my spine.

“I think I get it now.” Alice said softly and next to her Edward nodded his approval. They both wore kind and understanding faces but mostly I just felt patronized by them. I had no idea if what I had just done helped Bella or shot my integrity as a nurse up the ass. All I knew is I would now never look the same to Alice and Edward again in the same way as Bella would always look just a little different to me weather I liked to admit it or not.

( Esmee) Moving forward and accepting. (Mi's side)

Moving forward and accepting.

Esmee

Leo had lied. I spent six nights in the hospital and he had only later told me that in reality he had been expecting that length of time. After I left I was eager to get on with things but Emmet had had other ideas that mostly involved me sitting on my ass and twiddling my fingers which I did with out moaning for a few days until after three weeks of watching day time TV and sleeping over twelve hours a day I thought I was going to scream or go completely crazy so I put my foot down and told Emmet I would be returning to work.

The weeks had been good to me no matter how tedious they where and in general I was feeling better then Ever. I had been sleeping well and had cut out the exercise. I was also with out question eating better and taking Vitamins and Folic acid to try and help my pregnancy along as much as I could and so far against all the odds that where stacked up against the little one growing somewhere inside of me my pregnancy was progressing in the normal and healthy way. Routine blood tests had come back absolutely fine and through the means of an ultrasound scan Emmet and my self had heard the tiny heart that we had created together beating away defying every odd against it. By this time in my previous pregnancy’s I had lost three of my five babies, the first one ending at seven weeks, the second at eight and my forth at one day off of nine weeks. Baby three had reached week 10 though he had threatened miscarriage in the seventh week and that only left Mia who was now are bouncy, sticky button know as Mia.

With the news that I was pregnant my symptoms emerged as well which could be tiresome but carried there own joys in a certain way. There was something that was OK even good about having a bucket under my chair at the table for it had become common knowledge that I would puke almost exactly one minute after I finished my breakfast, and I also didn’t mind the fact that I also found my self vomiting at any point during the morning with only a few minutes warning either. I did not mind the fact that I now apparently had the bladder of an ant which sent me running to the low every few hours and I even cared very little about the fact I had not made it to the bathroom on more then one occasion. In fact it caused much hilarity to Emmet as we where also trying to potty train Mia and during breakfast he would bets on about who would Pee them self more that day. Was all of this embarrassing? Completely but it also didn’t matter for with only one other pregnancy had o experienced these kind of symptoms and that was Mia’s If my tiny little baby was causing these things they did not matter in the slightest because it was because of her and my heart all ready ached with the love I felt for it. Of course the most exciting of all the new pregnancy developments was the bump. I was early on and the bump was little but Emmet and my self could see it there and countless hours where spent talking singing and rubbing it. Of course we know the reality that probably waited for this bump but that is what made it all the more important for we both know at any moment on any day it could all slip away again. It would kill us inside we would cry a lot but we would and could move on again. We had Mia and we had each other if it happened it wouldn’t feel like enough but it was.

All that i know is i'm breathing (Mi's side)

All that I know is I’m breathing

Mi

“Storm is coming but I don’t mind,

People are dying I close my blinds,

All that I know is I’m breathing now.

I want to change the world, instead I sleep.

I want to believe in more then you and me.

All that I know is I’m breathing

All that I can do is keep breathing

All we can do is keep breathing, now”

Keep breathing

Ingrid Michaelson

　

Three weeks past in what seemed like a world I had become detached from. Like somehow I was watching my self float around with the others on the unit but inside I wasn’t really there. Esmee or Emmet had not come back the day I fort with the glass under the bed or the next day, or the next…or the next. For the first few days I was inconsolably sad and brutally angry but the numbing dispersion set in after that turning everything gray. I had asked after them to every member of staff especially Ava and Jean but I always got the same shit shoved back into my face about personal problems. There had been times where I nearly yelled out that Esmee was my sister and I deserved to know but that would have been breaking a trust she had installed in me.

Even though I was sad I had not attempted to hurt my self and as a result for the first time in a very long time I was on the two hourly entry level observations which was OK by me. Most mornings I got up ate then went into the day room curling up on the sofa and letting the silent tears trickle down over the side of my face. Sometimes an odd member of staff tried to comfort me, even Crystal in an odd moment of Compassion had rested her hand on my shoulder and offered to make me a cup of tea but as always I refused and she walked away. Summer and Bella spent most of the morning taking there own kind of shifts sitting with me and letting me know that they know that they thought it sucked too and for the first few days Conner wouldn’t leave my side but the hits come heard and as always they came in pairs and by the end of the first week I learnt that Conner was to be discharged on the Monday and before I new it I was watching him driving off with his mother as Edward tried to hold me upright when all my body wanted to do was collapse in on it’s self. Conner had told me he would wait for me and pressed a piece of paper with a mobile number on it and had asked for mine in return but I could not even find the energy to raise my head or grip my pen to write the numbers so in the end he said it didn’t matter and he would find me but inside me I knew it would be the last time I ever saw him or felt the magic he had brought alive in me.

After Conner left I almost completely lost the ability to sleep. My mind would not shut down and when it did I was plagued by old and new nightmares until I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs and the night staff came running. It became so bad that every night I was forced to take a sedative but even the sedative couldn’t keep the bad dreams away completely and more often then not I found my self trapped inside them with out the ability to scream them away.

Inside my head I was making graphic and hideous plans on how to kill my self or self harm and I saw them play out inside my head over and over again as clearly as if I was just watching my self get on with it on the other side of the room but when It came to the act of actually doing it I was always just that little bit to tired. I had made my self sick a few times but it granted me no release any more and neither did anything else. There where times when I was laying there that I nearly screamed from the despair that floated inside of me but at these times I just closed my eyes clenched my fists and counted in my head until the numbers faded into sleep. I had reached into the millions, even the hundred millions each one a seconded that had passed since I had been left again.

I had always known of course that Esmee and Emmet would walk away from me in the end but they had had so many times before and they didn’t and they gave me hope; I began to dream again. Maybe I had become to attached but there was nothing I could do to stop it. I though them every step of the way because I had always known that it would hurt like hell when this day come but there had been nothing or no one that could have prepared me for the darkness I was plunged into

When I wasn’t feeling abandoned there was the other heart ranching fear that took hold of me inside. Esmee had always acted strong but in her eyes I had seen her break so many times before and her skin told a story like mine. What if it had become too much? What if she had fallen into a pit that she could not get out of and what if she was now like me face down on an itchy blue Sofa in a unit somewhere with her tears making a stain on the cushions. What of she needed a sister? What if she needed a friend?

All I knew was I was breathing, in and out in and out my chest rising and falling from the lungs that she had brought back to life and I also knew that I could and would cry forever but she was never coming back.

(Esmee) Somewhere a door slams (Mi's side)

Somewhere a door slams

“WHAT!” both Emmet and my self shouted at the same time as I tried to get the words to make a real meaning inside me head.

“Your pregnant, I would say about six weeks.” Leo shouted clapping his hand and jumping up and down on the spot his face awash with tears of joy. He new we had always wanted more the one child and…and… I was pregnant.

“OK I’m going to throw up now.” I moaned the gagging starting somewhere in the back of my throat. I was pregnant.

“Wow, wow, hang on.” Leo shouted stopping jumping before springing into action and grabbing a bowl that was somewhere in the corner on the room before holding it under my chin just in time as the bile exited through my mouth somewhere in between trying to get the words to make sense and my mind to stop whirling as I was now in a sitting up position.

“Well this is good news right!”

I was pregnant… Some where inside my womb a tiny heart fluttered with new life Emmet’s and my life in a tiny little creation and it was nestled within me somewhere and I was keeping it safe, I was keeping it warm what I fed my self passed to it. My blood bringing its blood to life but this happened. A tiny beating heart had pumped inside me five times before at this stage and in the space of a month four of them had stopped leaving me with no words but just the bitter reason that if I had ate more, if I had been better, if I tried heard I would be a mother of five and now six. The odds where against this one.

Defeated from my thumping brain I put my head in my hands and started to cry. The doctor’s words still echoed in my brain like they had all the times before. “You have lost two, three, four babies now Esmee, it looks like your body just isn’t up to carrying a child.” The thing is I wasn’t up for losing any more and what real chance did this one have since I had been restricting food, exercising too much and god knows what else for the last few months. I wanted to scream.

“Are you sure?” I herd Emmet ask softly before getting up and wrapping me in his arms me, my face resting against his chest where my tears left a damp spot against his heart. He was now being strong for me but even through my tears I could see the dread somewhere in the back of his eyes. Another miscarriage would tear everything apart and I knew I was all ready fragile.

“Ok I must say this isn’t really I was the reaction I was expecting, am I just missing the inner whoops of joy?” Leo asked shocked and for a small moment I felt bad. If it held on, if I held on in months I could see it on the surface feel it moving and be able to listen to new life.

“It’s not as simple as that really Leo.” Emmet said gently pressing his lips to the top of my head, “we have lost four before and the specialist didn’t hold out much hope for Esmee to be able to successfully carry a baby.” Emmet said softly like maybe if he was soft it might not hurt me so much but of course it did. Every miscarriage could have been a son or daughter delivered onto my chest.

“I’m sorry Emmet.” I whined turning my face so it was buried into him “I’m going to kill this one too aren’t I?” I wept instinctively my hand cupping over my stomach that I had stood in front of the mirror and insulted just the day before.

“Oh Honey don’t think like that baby, you didn’t kill them sweet heart, it just wasn’t meant to happen for us then and maybe it wont this time either but maybe we will be blessed and she will grow healthy and strong and she will love you as much as I do.” Emmet smiled even though his face didn’t really hold much hope before he slid his hand down and placed it over mine.

“Thank you, but you know as well as I do that I haven’t been treating my self well enough to support a baby, I mean I have actually lost weight. I healthy pregnant mother dose not lose weight,” I moaned mournfully.

“That kind of brings me around to my second thing Esmee. How much have you been eating lately?” Leo asked the hummer in his voice gone which was never a good sign when it come to Leo. “Have you been counting the calories? He asked gently.

“No,” I whispered honestly as I had been putting up and extra effort not to, “I have been cutting back a bit though and exercising more.” The whole point of it was empty now when I had been concerned with control and vanity I might have been killing my unborn child.

“How about purging?” He asked almost sadly kicking a chair over by my side and sitting down taking my spare hand into his. “ Your not ill, ill exactly but still our tests are a bit worrying my love,” he said gently “ Everything is down in your boots, blood sugar, blood count, platelets and your anaemic. They would suggest that you are absolutely exhausted and verging on malnourished and that obviously wont help the baby. Do you think you can start eating a bit better?” He asked reaching up one hand wiping off one tear from the side of my cheek the Emmet hadn’t caught

“I’m sorry ok.” I whispered my heart breaking somewhere inside of me, “I didn’t mean to hurt my baby. If I know I would have eat better, taken folic acid, rested more, like I did with all the rest of them.” I moaned

“Well I’m going to admit you at least over night maybe a bit longer and your going to hate this but I need you to think of that little cub growing inside of you, so I am going to put you on a rescue feed drip for 24 to 48 hours. It will give everything a boost and it will make you feel better and give baby a better chance. It will also help you to get some rest which if your working like you normally do you could really do with, OK?”

“Of course, I said my insides someplace cold as I tried to get the thoughts of my body restrained to the bed as I screamed against the calories that where being forced into me through a drip, it was heard to thing that so many years later the same drip that I hated would be the very thing to try and keep my baby alive.

“I will request a side room and Emmet will have opening visit times as I know this will be very trying for you but it really is the best.” Leo said softly before picking up my wrists strapping on two ID bands. I swore at the same time I heard a heavy door slamming closed and an infant crying.

(Esmee) results (mi's side)

OK hello! anyone there? I think you have all gone away and left me :-( well if you havent exciting chapter!!!! :-)


Results

A&E was busy so it was further three hours before any of the results from my tests where ready however somehow between patients, writing notes and responding to crash calls in resus he managed to keep popping back in to see if we where OK and to apologize about the waiting around.

Leo was an amazing man and had been Emmet’s best friend ever since school, so naturally he became mine too. He was worked off of his feet normally having only been qualified for a few years but in amongst all the mayhem he still found time to come around and see us and spoil Mia. He was always there in an emergency, always willing to baby sit if he could fit it in around work and always understanding of any issues that I may have had over the years. He had been Emmet’s best man at our wedding and made an excellent god parent to Mia, not to mention stand in god parent to any fist child that floated through her house.

“I have news!” Leo shouted as he busted in around the curtain before jumping up and down on the spot barely containing the excitement that was all over his face.

“Well I am glad my sudden illness makes you so happy.” I said sleepily from my bed

“Your not sick!” He shouted again before bounding over and kissing me on the side of my face his eyes welling up with tears as he regarded me and Emmet.

“Leo,” I growled, “what the hell is going on?”

“The bears are expecting a cub!”