Immobile
Inside I fort Esmee but on the outside I stayed still and unmoving neither helping or hindering as she once again moved off of my bed closed the bedroom door and come to stand in front of me. I can not deny that I found the gesture threatening, it seemed so creepily familiar but I did not scream I did not ask her what she was doing and it in a way I couldn’t even make my self feel scared or angry, the sadness covered them all equally making everything black just like a covering of snow in winter bleached the whole world white for a while.
“I’m not going to hurt you Mi.” Esmee said gently kneeling down in front of me and taking my hand in hers erasing any suspicion that her previous action may have caused; she would do me no wrong.
“I am really sorry that you are feeling like this OK.” Esmee moaned softly as she threaded my wrists gently back though the long sleeves of my now vomit stained PJ top before getting to her feet and pulling it over my head then wrapping a towel over my shoulders to protect my modesty as best as she could.
“I am going to fight for you OK, you meds clearly aren’t working in the way they should be and it isn’t fair that they are making you so sick either, I will corner doctor Jordan today and if he doesn’t listen I will go above him to someone who will.” Esmee said gently before weaving my unresponsive arms into my bra straps and hocking it around my back.
I was fully aware I was being dressed by a nurse on a psyceatric word and my tears reflected that but no matter how much I yelled at my self to move, to react, to take over what should have been the very simple task of changing my clothes there was nothing I could do to actually do it. What did it matter any more if I let this happen? What difference would it make if I moved from my bed? Who cared if I faded to this forever?
“I didn’t mean to have so much time off Mi, in fact I hadn’t planed to have any more then a day but I got sick you see and I had to spend some time in the hospital.” I felt my muscles spasm in an invocatory response to what I was hearing her say. I Should of asked her why, what had happened and if she was better now. I should have asked her if there was anything I could do to help her or if she was in pain but nothing worked so I settled for letting the tears make me shiver as well.
“I am better now Mi,” Esmee said reading my reaction to my responding to it, “I wasn’t sick, sick just really over tired and in need of some rest. I feel a lot better now, probably better then I did before.” Esmee smiled one hand resting on the side of her belly for a second just before she helped me pull my top on over my head and hock my reluctant arms into the sleeves. I made an effort that time and tried to help her move them but they where so heavy and I was so week.
“But I am back now and hopefully wont be having any more mjour time off untill may time and hopefully by then you will be living with us anyway. Emmet has your room all ready, he spent most of last week painting and papering it and we have bought you a nice new bed as well because the other once was getting fairly old and tattered and I have picked some fairly cool bedding on the internet when I was resting too; i think you’ll like it. We really hope it wont be to much longer now until you move in but hay there’s no rush, there’s no point in being hasty when you are feeling so poorly right now, I will just have to see you here instead,”
My body began to get less heavier as she kept on talking and as she started on my bottom half of clothing I found little bursts of energy to help her like standing up when it was needed and lifting my own legs as she put my underwear and jeans on. I even managed to find enough life in my numbed fingers to do the button up on my jeans but Esmee had to put my cardigan on it seemed the simple button had zapped what was left of me.
“Would you like to brush your hair? Esmee asked gently as she picked up my dirty clothes and placed them in the basket at the end of my bed before picking up my brush and placing it beside me.
I did try, it took all my effort but I picked up my brush raised it to my head and pulled it through the tips of my hair twice before I let my had fall back down to my side. What was the point?
“That’s a good try; would you like me to finish it off?” Esmee smiled gently sitting down close to me on the side of the bed and rubbing my back gently.
I couldn’t say anything to answer her question then as once again I was fighting with the urge to start sobbing loudly again. Something about Esmee being close had always hurt me in the most glorious kind of way that it could never be explained. She kind of woke me up. Setting every nerve that I thought had long since died from all the damage that had been done alight. Her comfort made me real again, made me find some faith but of course all of this was excruciating and before I could stop it my bottom lip quivered out of control and my chest began to heave with heavy sobbing as I curled up in the foetal position on the bed almost screaming from how bad everything felt inside, my whole body jerking in time with the helpless crying.
Friday, 2 December 2011
Thursday, 1 December 2011
Still stuck in the middle of icky writers block and extreem anxiaty for some reasion. I am so worried that what i am writing is crap it's almost upsetting me! Ugh!
So i hope these are OK. I loved writing them but am worried aboput the qulaty.
Do let me know, love vikki
bad way
“Hay honey, of course I came back.” Esmee whispered softly squeezing me in tight to her before realising me and looking into my eyes like by just one look she could evaluate everything that had happened when she had been away.
“Did you truly think I would leave you like that?” The question seemed stupid. Of course I could think that, hell I had even expect that and it wasn’t until much, much later that I discovered that Esmee and Emmet where very much unlikely to do that to me.
Unable to vocalise anything while I was looking at her I lowered my head again and let the tears become noisy, losing all the energy I had to control them. There seemed to be no point in hiding them, there was no point in pretending I wasn’t dying inside, there just wasn’t a point in anything.
“All right sweet heart, I get it, we’re in a bad way aren’t we.” Esmee said gently stepping forward and taking hold of my hand into hers “come on sweet heart let’s go and get you back to your room and ready for breakfast.”
“I have to clean up the floor.” I wheezed between my sobbing.
“No you don’t I can get someone else to sort that out.” Esmee said softly again hooking my black hair back over my ear so she could look at my face.
“Don’t panic, I’ll do it Ez,” Emmet said emerging from the bathroom door brandishing a mop and bucket. “Sorry I saw what happened and thought I could put my cleaning skills to good use.” Emmet smiled before looking over at me like he was torn somewhere between being scared and being sympathetic
“Thanks hon.” Esmee smiled gently to Emmet before turning to me tugging on my hand slightly like a mother would do to there child, “Come on honey lets get you sorted.”
I prayed
When I got back to my room I let go of Esmee’s hand and stumbled back over to my bed where I sat on the edge staring at the plain wall in front of me. My years had dried up now; there had been times in the last few weeks where I had sobbed but it never lasted long it simply took too much effort; staring at the wall simply took up less effort.
“Would you like me to gather your clothes together Mi?” Esmee asked gently but I ignored her more due to the fact that it felt like I couldn’t speak then the fact that I was being ignorant. I didn’t care about getting dressed, I didn’t care about eating I just wanted to fade away to nothing
“Ok honey I am going to get some jeans and a t shirt OK, any colours or styles you want… No, OK then I’ll choose.” Esmee said gently walking over to the wardrobe that was next to my bed opening the doors up and pulling some things off of the hangers. She chose jeans with sparkles on the pockets and a purple white green and black tunic type top that tied around the waist with a white long sleeve shrug to go over the top. The harsh summer had gone away as quickly as it had come giving into a harsher winter which meant every one was wrapping up warm.
“Are you going to get changed for me then Mi?” Esmee asked gently sitting down on the bed next to me after she grabbed a bra and some underwear out of the chest of draws. “I will wait for you outside if you want or I can go on down to breakfast and meet you there. I’m you partner for this meal.”
I knew what I was meant to do then and I did it inside of my head. In there I turned looked at her smiled and said everything was OK and that I would meet her there in the dinning room. I got changed quickly and brushed my hair before checking my self in the mirror and making my way down the stars but my physically body would not move so I just continued to look onwards staring through the wall like it wasn’t there. I had waited for her to come back because I thought she would make it feel better inside but nothing had changed my miracle cure had not worked.
“Do you need some help Mi?” Esmee asked gently again, putting her hand into my lap before sighing.” Do you need some help to get changed?”
I began to cry again then not loudly but deep rivers of water rushed down over my cheeks with no control before rolling off of the tip of my nose and chin before tumbling to the ground. It felt like nothing was ever going to be OK again. I wanted to die but I had no energy left to dress my self let alone kill my self so I did the last thing I could think of and for the first time since I was a very young child I prayed; I prayed to god to forgive all my sins and let me die. I prayed for death
So i hope these are OK. I loved writing them but am worried aboput the qulaty.
Do let me know, love vikki
bad way
“Hay honey, of course I came back.” Esmee whispered softly squeezing me in tight to her before realising me and looking into my eyes like by just one look she could evaluate everything that had happened when she had been away.
“Did you truly think I would leave you like that?” The question seemed stupid. Of course I could think that, hell I had even expect that and it wasn’t until much, much later that I discovered that Esmee and Emmet where very much unlikely to do that to me.
Unable to vocalise anything while I was looking at her I lowered my head again and let the tears become noisy, losing all the energy I had to control them. There seemed to be no point in hiding them, there was no point in pretending I wasn’t dying inside, there just wasn’t a point in anything.
“All right sweet heart, I get it, we’re in a bad way aren’t we.” Esmee said gently stepping forward and taking hold of my hand into hers “come on sweet heart let’s go and get you back to your room and ready for breakfast.”
“I have to clean up the floor.” I wheezed between my sobbing.
“No you don’t I can get someone else to sort that out.” Esmee said softly again hooking my black hair back over my ear so she could look at my face.
“Don’t panic, I’ll do it Ez,” Emmet said emerging from the bathroom door brandishing a mop and bucket. “Sorry I saw what happened and thought I could put my cleaning skills to good use.” Emmet smiled before looking over at me like he was torn somewhere between being scared and being sympathetic
“Thanks hon.” Esmee smiled gently to Emmet before turning to me tugging on my hand slightly like a mother would do to there child, “Come on honey lets get you sorted.”
I prayed
When I got back to my room I let go of Esmee’s hand and stumbled back over to my bed where I sat on the edge staring at the plain wall in front of me. My years had dried up now; there had been times in the last few weeks where I had sobbed but it never lasted long it simply took too much effort; staring at the wall simply took up less effort.
“Would you like me to gather your clothes together Mi?” Esmee asked gently but I ignored her more due to the fact that it felt like I couldn’t speak then the fact that I was being ignorant. I didn’t care about getting dressed, I didn’t care about eating I just wanted to fade away to nothing
“Ok honey I am going to get some jeans and a t shirt OK, any colours or styles you want… No, OK then I’ll choose.” Esmee said gently walking over to the wardrobe that was next to my bed opening the doors up and pulling some things off of the hangers. She chose jeans with sparkles on the pockets and a purple white green and black tunic type top that tied around the waist with a white long sleeve shrug to go over the top. The harsh summer had gone away as quickly as it had come giving into a harsher winter which meant every one was wrapping up warm.
“Are you going to get changed for me then Mi?” Esmee asked gently sitting down on the bed next to me after she grabbed a bra and some underwear out of the chest of draws. “I will wait for you outside if you want or I can go on down to breakfast and meet you there. I’m you partner for this meal.”
I knew what I was meant to do then and I did it inside of my head. In there I turned looked at her smiled and said everything was OK and that I would meet her there in the dinning room. I got changed quickly and brushed my hair before checking my self in the mirror and making my way down the stars but my physically body would not move so I just continued to look onwards staring through the wall like it wasn’t there. I had waited for her to come back because I thought she would make it feel better inside but nothing had changed my miracle cure had not worked.
“Do you need some help Mi?” Esmee asked gently again, putting her hand into my lap before sighing.” Do you need some help to get changed?”
I began to cry again then not loudly but deep rivers of water rushed down over my cheeks with no control before rolling off of the tip of my nose and chin before tumbling to the ground. It felt like nothing was ever going to be OK again. I wanted to die but I had no energy left to dress my self let alone kill my self so I did the last thing I could think of and for the first time since I was a very young child I prayed; I prayed to god to forgive all my sins and let me die. I prayed for death
Tuesday, 29 November 2011
they came back (Mi's side)
OK so writers bloxk really sucks. I still have it but have tried to struggle though and write something. I am not sure if this is any good but i have tried. Please let me know if you don't think it's up to standered and i will try again.
vikki
They came back
“Hay, hay, its OK sweet heart it’s OK.” Emmet soothed stroking his fingers through my hair as he tried to rearrange himself better so I could sit better on his lap. “If only everybody was as existed as about me waking up in the morning the unit would run perfectly.” Emmet laughed holding me tight into him but I just continued to sob into his chest unable to laugh at his joke even though he was trying to make me feel better. I still couldn’t believe that he was actually there again and I could once again hold onto him. I still felt bad, depression didn’t just lift like that but with him there felt like there was a chance, with him the complete blackness that had always surrounded me shifted to dark greys
“Come on Sweetie, It’s OK, it’s all going to be OK.” Emmet soothed gently reaching up to my bedside table and pulling down the box of tissues before handing me one.
“I understand mornings have become very heard for you at the moment.” Emmet said softly as he rubbed big calming circles over my back as I continued to try -unsuccessfully admittedly - to catch my breath enough to form coherent speech.
There was so much that I wanted to ask Emmet that there seemed to be no time for my tears now. I wanted to know if he was OK and I wanted to know if she was OK and weather she would be coming back to work as well. I wanted to tell him if I had done something to cause their extended absence I was sorry, I wanted to tell him that I never meant to do any harm to them and I hated my self for hurting them but there was no words I could say and as the morning fully engulfed me the nausea hit hard along with the crying making me reluctantly let him go in haste so I could make my normal disoriented scramble to the bathroom where I could throw up.
“Hay Mi what’s the matter, where are you going?” I heard Emmet call after me as I reached the door of my room and tripped out into the corridor barley missing a grumpy Bella as she emerged out of Joy -her new high dependency room- growling at Edward about it being a teenagers right to be able to sleep in and skip breakfast.
Gasping slightly I ploughed off up the corridor at a sprint as I felt the vomit gush forcefully up my throat and into my mouth and only just managed to fling my self into the bathroom before the familiar murky liquid mixed with orange bile erupted out of my mouth and splattered onto the floor in a projectile fashion missing my target of the toilet by inches.
“Stupid fucking worthless piece of shit.” I growled at my self trying to stop the tears that rolled down over my face in a mixture of embarrassment and frustration turning into full on sobbing. “Stupid disgusting bitch from hell, why can’t I just fucking die?” I hissed chocking on the heard tears as I grabbed a few paper towels from the dispenser and throw them on the floor on top of the vomit as I tried to make my chest take some deep breaths around the wetness that was clogged inside of me. “Fucking useless bitch. Fucking useless worthless, completely idiotic fucking brain dead whore that can’t even get vomiting fucking…”
“Hay, hay Mi honey what’s all this about sweet heart.” I heard another sweet voce echo from behind me cutting me off as my self insulting got louder and once again all my muscles tightened in a spasm. Was it really possible that she had returned to? That like Emmet before Esmee could really be standing solid and real behind me?
“Sweat heart what’s the matter? What happened?” the same voice asked at the same time as placing her arm around me, the same velvet touch against my skin that made me know instantly that Esmee had returned too.
“I’ve thrown up on the floor,” I Wailed no longer able to contain the tears to simply crying, “I am so sorry, I tried to get to the loo in time but it was just so fast and so violent that I just couldn’t and I know I am stupid but I have told the doctor over and over that I can’t stop throwing up and…”
“Wowah, Mi honey its fine baby, its fine, all of its fine, we have all had this before it can’t be helped and it can be cleaned up easily enough, it’s absolutely…”
“Stupid! I’m so fucking stupid!” I sobbed
“No your not baby, your really not, I know you feeling terribly sad right now but it’s all OK. It’s going to get better OK.” Esmee said softly turning me around so I was looking right at her,
“You came back,” I whined as I looked up into her eyes and every defence and feeling from the last three weeks with out her came to smash into me in one go. “You came back Esmee,” I wept throwing my self into her arms much like I had done to Emmet’s, “you came back!”
vikki
They came back
“Hay, hay, its OK sweet heart it’s OK.” Emmet soothed stroking his fingers through my hair as he tried to rearrange himself better so I could sit better on his lap. “If only everybody was as existed as about me waking up in the morning the unit would run perfectly.” Emmet laughed holding me tight into him but I just continued to sob into his chest unable to laugh at his joke even though he was trying to make me feel better. I still couldn’t believe that he was actually there again and I could once again hold onto him. I still felt bad, depression didn’t just lift like that but with him there felt like there was a chance, with him the complete blackness that had always surrounded me shifted to dark greys
“Come on Sweetie, It’s OK, it’s all going to be OK.” Emmet soothed gently reaching up to my bedside table and pulling down the box of tissues before handing me one.
“I understand mornings have become very heard for you at the moment.” Emmet said softly as he rubbed big calming circles over my back as I continued to try -unsuccessfully admittedly - to catch my breath enough to form coherent speech.
There was so much that I wanted to ask Emmet that there seemed to be no time for my tears now. I wanted to know if he was OK and I wanted to know if she was OK and weather she would be coming back to work as well. I wanted to tell him if I had done something to cause their extended absence I was sorry, I wanted to tell him that I never meant to do any harm to them and I hated my self for hurting them but there was no words I could say and as the morning fully engulfed me the nausea hit hard along with the crying making me reluctantly let him go in haste so I could make my normal disoriented scramble to the bathroom where I could throw up.
“Hay Mi what’s the matter, where are you going?” I heard Emmet call after me as I reached the door of my room and tripped out into the corridor barley missing a grumpy Bella as she emerged out of Joy -her new high dependency room- growling at Edward about it being a teenagers right to be able to sleep in and skip breakfast.
Gasping slightly I ploughed off up the corridor at a sprint as I felt the vomit gush forcefully up my throat and into my mouth and only just managed to fling my self into the bathroom before the familiar murky liquid mixed with orange bile erupted out of my mouth and splattered onto the floor in a projectile fashion missing my target of the toilet by inches.
“Stupid fucking worthless piece of shit.” I growled at my self trying to stop the tears that rolled down over my face in a mixture of embarrassment and frustration turning into full on sobbing. “Stupid disgusting bitch from hell, why can’t I just fucking die?” I hissed chocking on the heard tears as I grabbed a few paper towels from the dispenser and throw them on the floor on top of the vomit as I tried to make my chest take some deep breaths around the wetness that was clogged inside of me. “Fucking useless bitch. Fucking useless worthless, completely idiotic fucking brain dead whore that can’t even get vomiting fucking…”
“Hay, hay Mi honey what’s all this about sweet heart.” I heard another sweet voce echo from behind me cutting me off as my self insulting got louder and once again all my muscles tightened in a spasm. Was it really possible that she had returned to? That like Emmet before Esmee could really be standing solid and real behind me?
“Sweat heart what’s the matter? What happened?” the same voice asked at the same time as placing her arm around me, the same velvet touch against my skin that made me know instantly that Esmee had returned too.
“I’ve thrown up on the floor,” I Wailed no longer able to contain the tears to simply crying, “I am so sorry, I tried to get to the loo in time but it was just so fast and so violent that I just couldn’t and I know I am stupid but I have told the doctor over and over that I can’t stop throwing up and…”
“Wowah, Mi honey its fine baby, its fine, all of its fine, we have all had this before it can’t be helped and it can be cleaned up easily enough, it’s absolutely…”
“Stupid! I’m so fucking stupid!” I sobbed
“No your not baby, your really not, I know you feeling terribly sad right now but it’s all OK. It’s going to get better OK.” Esmee said softly turning me around so I was looking right at her,
“You came back,” I whined as I looked up into her eyes and every defence and feeling from the last three weeks with out her came to smash into me in one go. “You came back Esmee,” I wept throwing my self into her arms much like I had done to Emmet’s, “you came back!”
Saturday, 12 November 2011
Knives of ice and sweetness (Mi's side)
Ahh i so loce writing this i have no idea why. This chapter is happy and sad so as always safty first
enjoy
Knives of ice and sweetness
Somewhere in the middle of the night my head found an uneasy sleep but it hadn’t lasted long and I woke again at about three in the morning. My head hurt and I felt sick as I always did these days but I did not move out of the bed. In light of my recant depression my anti- depressants had been upped again to what felt like an inhuman amount and now every morning before breakfast I had to swallow six bitter little pills. The constant sickness and nausea was cause by this but Dr. Jordan didn’t seemed to care much about side effects and prescribed yet more tablets to stop this and suggested that I kept same bowls in my room as I was mostly sick when I first tried to move in the mornings. He seemed to forget the fact that being sick was uncomfortable and draining not to mention horribly triggering.
The clocks had since gone back so the mornings where now brighter and the unit was soaked in an eyrie glow by 6am. Sometimes if I could find the energy in my self I would sit up pull back the icky speckled curtains and stair out onto the grounds. I used to hate the fact that the fence was so tall and the way the security lights flashed like they where on guard from where they sat proudly on top of it. I used to hate the fact the car park was nearly deserted apart from a few staff cars that would sit there as they worked the night shift in the unit but all those little things seemed not to matter any more. In fact I had become to welcome the enclosure at least in here you where safe from the crowds and demons that lurked out there.
Twice that morning I tried to persuade my body to get up and look out the window but the exercise of doing so had long become just another devise to torture my self with. Every morning I peeked down at the car park longing to see that gleaming red Nissan Note or that soft powder blue Honda Jazz looking back up at me but they where never there any more and it hurt too much to see there empty spaces in the head nurses bays.
As always the rest of the unit started to stir at about seven when the night staff where getting ready to go home at half past and the early shift where getting there bearings and taking there seats in the nurses station or by the doors of there sleeping ambers or reds like ghosts in the night, changing shifting and moving but always there somehow like magic or a curse.
More then once that morning I thought I heard Esmee’s soft and concerned voice asking questions about something or someone but this wasn’t so unheard of. My mind had fooled me and tricked me that she was there before and the same thing happened for Emmet as well. I could remember the day he first walked into my room at the unit and I was so scared of him and how now it seemed so stupid because if he was to walk in that door now I would run up to him, throw my arms around him and try never to let him go. Emmet was the closest thing I had ever felt to how a farther should be but I had lost him and I had lost another sister as well in Esmee. When would the world decide I had lost enough?
My body shook with silent sobbing as I remembered their faces and all the things they had done for me over the six short months I had known them. How they made me feel hope, how they had eased my hurting and how the fact I had allowed my self to become so intertwined with them that it could hurt this much when they where not here any more.
My crying lasted to 8am when the doors started banging open and nurses started calling out names to try and prise reluctant clients out of there beds. Some staff where loud and abrupt about it, smashing doors and pulling open curtains, some where funny and used tickling out of tune singing their favourite songs being Morning has broken and the sun has got his hat on and others where softer… well they used to be softer.
“Mi, come on Hun it’s time to get up and get ready for breakfast A soft deep voice whispered somewhere close to my bed when it was my turn for the wake up call and normally I would have shot up in seconds yanked open my curtains if they all ready hadn’t and scampered off to the bathroom with out saying a world but this morning I could not bring my self to prise my eyes open because for a moment I thought I had drifted back to sleep and for the first time in a long time a pleasant dream had found me. This was Emmet’s wake up call I remembered it so well and I wanted to hold on there for just a few more seconds in dream induced bliss.
“Come on sleepy head, it’s time to open them eyes; we’ve missed you.” I could feel my body tense as the sweet words drifted through me like knives of sweet ice stabbing somewhere into my chest and soon the tears had come back making my whole body shudder and shake as I squeezed my eyes shut tighter the tears dripping out from under my eye lashes and onto my all ready damp pillow.
“So your all ready awake, just can’t face seeing the world just yet then, well that’s OK you’ll get there.” The voice of Emmet said gently just before I felt the familiar hand on my shoulder and the tears came thicker faster and slightly noisier. This dream sequence had once again turned into a night mare. He was there but that hurt because it wasn’t really him and as always with my dreams they where not happy until I was screaming.
“Come on Mi, up you get. Let’s get you dressed and ready and we can have a chat after breakfast see if we can work out why you are feeling quite so down right now.”
Unable to bear it any more I opened my eyes to try and get the voice of Emmet to leave me, but as I opened my eyes he was still there, solid and real knelt down close at the side of my bed just like he had never left there at all. Like the three weeks of hell I had lived though never had happened, and even though I knew I was opening my self up to get torn apart all over again I couldn’t help it as I felt by body leaping off of the side of the bed towards him and onto his lap arms locked solidly around his neck as I sobbed heavily into his chest.
enjoy
Knives of ice and sweetness
Mi
Somewhere in the middle of the night my head found an uneasy sleep but it hadn’t lasted long and I woke again at about three in the morning. My head hurt and I felt sick as I always did these days but I did not move out of the bed. In light of my recant depression my anti- depressants had been upped again to what felt like an inhuman amount and now every morning before breakfast I had to swallow six bitter little pills. The constant sickness and nausea was cause by this but Dr. Jordan didn’t seemed to care much about side effects and prescribed yet more tablets to stop this and suggested that I kept same bowls in my room as I was mostly sick when I first tried to move in the mornings. He seemed to forget the fact that being sick was uncomfortable and draining not to mention horribly triggering.
The clocks had since gone back so the mornings where now brighter and the unit was soaked in an eyrie glow by 6am. Sometimes if I could find the energy in my self I would sit up pull back the icky speckled curtains and stair out onto the grounds. I used to hate the fact that the fence was so tall and the way the security lights flashed like they where on guard from where they sat proudly on top of it. I used to hate the fact the car park was nearly deserted apart from a few staff cars that would sit there as they worked the night shift in the unit but all those little things seemed not to matter any more. In fact I had become to welcome the enclosure at least in here you where safe from the crowds and demons that lurked out there.
Twice that morning I tried to persuade my body to get up and look out the window but the exercise of doing so had long become just another devise to torture my self with. Every morning I peeked down at the car park longing to see that gleaming red Nissan Note or that soft powder blue Honda Jazz looking back up at me but they where never there any more and it hurt too much to see there empty spaces in the head nurses bays.
As always the rest of the unit started to stir at about seven when the night staff where getting ready to go home at half past and the early shift where getting there bearings and taking there seats in the nurses station or by the doors of there sleeping ambers or reds like ghosts in the night, changing shifting and moving but always there somehow like magic or a curse.
More then once that morning I thought I heard Esmee’s soft and concerned voice asking questions about something or someone but this wasn’t so unheard of. My mind had fooled me and tricked me that she was there before and the same thing happened for Emmet as well. I could remember the day he first walked into my room at the unit and I was so scared of him and how now it seemed so stupid because if he was to walk in that door now I would run up to him, throw my arms around him and try never to let him go. Emmet was the closest thing I had ever felt to how a farther should be but I had lost him and I had lost another sister as well in Esmee. When would the world decide I had lost enough?
My body shook with silent sobbing as I remembered their faces and all the things they had done for me over the six short months I had known them. How they made me feel hope, how they had eased my hurting and how the fact I had allowed my self to become so intertwined with them that it could hurt this much when they where not here any more.
My crying lasted to 8am when the doors started banging open and nurses started calling out names to try and prise reluctant clients out of there beds. Some staff where loud and abrupt about it, smashing doors and pulling open curtains, some where funny and used tickling out of tune singing their favourite songs being Morning has broken and the sun has got his hat on and others where softer… well they used to be softer.
“Mi, come on Hun it’s time to get up and get ready for breakfast A soft deep voice whispered somewhere close to my bed when it was my turn for the wake up call and normally I would have shot up in seconds yanked open my curtains if they all ready hadn’t and scampered off to the bathroom with out saying a world but this morning I could not bring my self to prise my eyes open because for a moment I thought I had drifted back to sleep and for the first time in a long time a pleasant dream had found me. This was Emmet’s wake up call I remembered it so well and I wanted to hold on there for just a few more seconds in dream induced bliss.
“Come on sleepy head, it’s time to open them eyes; we’ve missed you.” I could feel my body tense as the sweet words drifted through me like knives of sweet ice stabbing somewhere into my chest and soon the tears had come back making my whole body shudder and shake as I squeezed my eyes shut tighter the tears dripping out from under my eye lashes and onto my all ready damp pillow.
“So your all ready awake, just can’t face seeing the world just yet then, well that’s OK you’ll get there.” The voice of Emmet said gently just before I felt the familiar hand on my shoulder and the tears came thicker faster and slightly noisier. This dream sequence had once again turned into a night mare. He was there but that hurt because it wasn’t really him and as always with my dreams they where not happy until I was screaming.
“Come on Mi, up you get. Let’s get you dressed and ready and we can have a chat after breakfast see if we can work out why you are feeling quite so down right now.”
Unable to bear it any more I opened my eyes to try and get the voice of Emmet to leave me, but as I opened my eyes he was still there, solid and real knelt down close at the side of my bed just like he had never left there at all. Like the three weeks of hell I had lived though never had happened, and even though I knew I was opening my self up to get torn apart all over again I couldn’t help it as I felt by body leaping off of the side of the bed towards him and onto his lap arms locked solidly around his neck as I sobbed heavily into his chest.
Friday, 11 November 2011
(Esmee) Nine (Mis side)
Nine
“So we have covered discharges and learnt some thing.” Emmet smiled gently giving me a wink as he tried to break the silence that had fallen over the office, “What about admissions.”
“Now this is where the fun starts,” Edward sighed rolling his eyes before pointing to the white board that was behind him and riddled with names and basic information. “We got three out and five in. “Looks like you have both been assigned to Madeline Jinx when she comes and Esmee to James Bryan and You have Peter Page with my self and Ava Emmet, so you best get reading up about them. The others are Thomas Walker and Rainy Waters.”
“Well that’s an unfortunate name.” Emmet smiled trying to hold back a giggle under his breath at the same time as me.
“You’re telling me,” Edward smiled
“Well we shouldn’t laugh,” I said snorting any way. “And that’s from someone coming who has had silly last name-itsu all their lives.”
“Your maiden name was worse then bear?” Edward joked just before Emmet went round to his side of the desk and bopped him playfully over his head with an exercise book before going over and giving Alice and giving her the same treatment who had given up on trying to write and now had her whole fist in her mouth trying to stop herself laughing a laugh.
“Well you got to tell us.” Alice prompted trying to keep a straight face
“I would say promise not to laugh but you will any way so I might as well just get on with it. It was monster.”
“So you where an Esmee monster?” Edward said his lips clenched in a thin line across his face before both Alice Emmet and him self burst out into hysterical laughing and I rolled my eyes going over the admissions board to have a closer look.
“Hay, Hay guys!” I shouted above the laughter trying to get there attention. “I think we got Madeline’s Date of birth wrong.” I called working out the numbers in my head twice to make sure I hadn’t got it wrong.
“Nope, we haven’t.”
“But this makes her …
“Nine. We know.” Edward said, “We are as surprised and unhappy about it as you are.”
“We are only licensed for ten and up though.” I said suppressed turning around and bumping into Emmet who had also come to have a closer look at the board.
“If you look she is ten next week and that is when she will be here.”
“So we have covered discharges and learnt some thing.” Emmet smiled gently giving me a wink as he tried to break the silence that had fallen over the office, “What about admissions.”
“Now this is where the fun starts,” Edward sighed rolling his eyes before pointing to the white board that was behind him and riddled with names and basic information. “We got three out and five in. “Looks like you have both been assigned to Madeline Jinx when she comes and Esmee to James Bryan and You have Peter Page with my self and Ava Emmet, so you best get reading up about them. The others are Thomas Walker and Rainy Waters.”
“Well that’s an unfortunate name.” Emmet smiled trying to hold back a giggle under his breath at the same time as me.
“You’re telling me,” Edward smiled
“Well we shouldn’t laugh,” I said snorting any way. “And that’s from someone coming who has had silly last name-itsu all their lives.”
“Your maiden name was worse then bear?” Edward joked just before Emmet went round to his side of the desk and bopped him playfully over his head with an exercise book before going over and giving Alice and giving her the same treatment who had given up on trying to write and now had her whole fist in her mouth trying to stop herself laughing a laugh.
“Well you got to tell us.” Alice prompted trying to keep a straight face
“I would say promise not to laugh but you will any way so I might as well just get on with it. It was monster.”
“So you where an Esmee monster?” Edward said his lips clenched in a thin line across his face before both Alice Emmet and him self burst out into hysterical laughing and I rolled my eyes going over the admissions board to have a closer look.
“Hay, Hay guys!” I shouted above the laughter trying to get there attention. “I think we got Madeline’s Date of birth wrong.” I called working out the numbers in my head twice to make sure I hadn’t got it wrong.
“Nope, we haven’t.”
“But this makes her …
“Nine. We know.” Edward said, “We are as surprised and unhappy about it as you are.”
“We are only licensed for ten and up though.” I said suppressed turning around and bumping into Emmet who had also come to have a closer look at the board.
“If you look she is ten next week and that is when she will be here.”
(Esmee) Never be the same (Mi's side)
Never be the same.
I went back to work on the Monday for the early shift as well as Emmet. Ava he been half heartedly trying to keep us in the know how about what was going on but mostly she just refused to talk about it saying I was off of work or a reason. She had even refused to tell me anything about Mi other then she had managed to prise the glass off of her with the help from Bella, Summer and Connor and she had been safe ever since so was now on Entry level observations. My heart had leapt when I heard this because I knew what it meant. Her first visit to our house would be immanent now with the out look of discharging her somewhere in the next four months.
We arrived to work nearly three hours early knowing there would be reams and reams of files to go through before we could get back into the swing of things not to mention any new admissions or changes in condition and when we let our self’s into the office at five that morning we much to the surprise of Alice and Edward who where writing up the night time notes we where glad we had as both white boards where littered with client information and files where day books where strewn all over the place with out much order. It appeared in our absence lots had happened.
“Well you two are a sight for sore eyes even if you are ridiculously early.” Edward said looking up from a day book that he was writing in. “This place really has been a mess with out you. Want the low down?” He smiled at the same time as letting out a sigh.
“Of course. How is every one?
“Well let’s start with Discharges. We have lost Ella, Conner and Jack,” Edward smiled. Discharges because of progress where happy things and these had been in the pipe line for a while. Ella had spent fifteen months with us and was long overdue to be going back home again. Of course with Ella there was always a chance we would be seeing her again as she was a frequent patient in apple gate house but we where always hopeful that one day she would remain well. Jack had been with us for just over six moths and we all saw his anxiety was now under control and he was doing well and Connor had always been a personal favourite of mine. He was hurt badly by his obsessive compulsion to touch hot things and his life had been controlled to the point of self destruction for the need to be clean and for things to be in odd numbers. He had come to us depressed and broken a part nearly a year ago but we saw him come alive and now he did not belong with us any more though a part of me would miss him sorely for a few days.
“No update on Bella’s discharge yet then?” I asked sighing. Her discharge had been planed for almost six weeks earlier but that was before we had found out what she was doing. At first it looked like after almost twelve months of trying she had beaten her eating disorder. She had reached her target weight and maintained it well and it had been a long time since we had to use her PEG or even give her the Ensure. Her move on meetings where good and she had a place lined up for her in a moving on eating disorders rehabilitation unit where the support would be minimal but there in case she needed it but then when I was doing weigh in one morning Everything fell apart.
“Afraid not Ez, like you said she had been on a slippery slope since you found out what she was doing.” Edward sighed before spinning around on his chair and pointing up at the notice board for today’s tasks, the top one being “insertion of NG tube for Bella Reynolds,” Her PEG had been removed in prep for her discharge and in a celebration of it not being needed, it seemed now the choice had been made prematurely.
“I will do it after breakfast.” I said sadly going over to the board and putting my initials beside the task before turning to Emmet to see if he would help. I didn’t have to say anything before he gave a small nod and I wrote his initials next to mine.
“Poor kid, she must still be mortified by what happened.” I moaned softly.
“To be perfectly honest I’m still not sure why she let it get that bed.” Alice said her voice floating in from know where as she pushed one book aside and started on another. I caught the name Mia written on the front and had to restrain my self to stop me throwing my self across the table at it. I was not looking forward to reading what our absence had done to her; or Connors discharge but at least when I new I could start to rebuild some of the rope bridges I had all ready made.
“She was water loading.” I said simply to Alice trying to pull my eyes away from the book she was writing.
“I know she was water loading but water loading or not if I was that desperate to pee I would have just gone. Surly that would have been better then just standing there and wetting your self in front of a nurse. I mean she knew you where going to think something was up if she did that any way. I’m sorry I just don’t get it.” Alice said sharking her head in disbelief which was mimicked by Edward. God these people needed educating.
“Well I get it.” I answered back trying to keep the slight irritation out of my voice.
“Well are you going to let us in on it then?” Alice asked looking up from the book again.
“Just put your self in her shoes. I said as I scanned my eyes down over the rest of the list before coming to the bottom one that read, Try and get Mi to talk, I was confused but quickly wrote Emmet and my self’s initials after it any way I wanted an excuse to spend some time with her.
“The trouble is Esmee none of us have ever been in her shoes have me and there is only so much stuff role play can teach us, to be there would be different and well we just haven’t been.” Alice smiled sadly
“I have.” I responded quietly not sure weather I really wanted her to here me or not. My past at work was unknown to even the staff with the exception of Jean who had only found out recently. It wasn’t because I was purposefully trying to hide it for I was not ashamed of it but in the current times and workings of apple gate house it wasn’t really important and no one had ever asked anyway.
“You have pissed you self in front of a weigh in nurse?” Alice asked simply while she laughed unperturbed by exactly how judgmental and harsh her words sounded against my ears on how if I was weaker she would have brought me to my knees.
“And there it is Alice right there,” I smiled turning away from the board to face her, she needed to learn this lesson now or in years she would turn into a Crystal junior. With out the occasional archer it was very easy to become numb to the suffering around you after years on the job and Alice had been there long enough now to not to care any more. As head nurse it was my job to make sure she did not lose her humanity for all of our sakes.
“There’s what?”
“In that one sentence there you made me feel about three inches tall and completely worthless. Yes I have water loaded and yes I have wet my self in front of the weigh in nurse because that morning I hadn’t calculated it right and drank too much just a little bit too early.” I stated in a matter of fact tone even though in reality right then it felt like I was trying to face the world alone. Alice just stared me like I had announced to them I was actually a man and was going to give up my nursing job to strip in a transgender night club.
“I… I mean… What…I?” Alice babbled her face lighting up in a brilliant red as she fumbled with the book in front of her trying to hide her face behind her hand.
“Look, Alice its fine and I’m sorry, don’t get upset or embarrassed about this I am just trying to help you understand like you asked me too.” I said grabbing a spare chair that was behind one of the desks and pulling it up closer to her sitting down my self.
“Well I feel like an idiot.”
“Don’t your learning and that’s all part of it here,” I smiled putting my hand on her shoulder. “I know that it is easy to make judgments about someone or something they do it’s a natural thing and we all do it all the time; I bet for a second when I said that you thought I was crazy. The thing is you know me better then that right and respect me for what I am now so that’s why your now embarrassed.”
“You just seem like the most unlikely person. Or are you just saying this to make me think?”
“I’m not lying. I came here when I was 16 and I left about a year later,” I said gently but Alice still looked unconvinced.
“Look Emmet will you drive the point home here.” I asked over my shoulder to Emmet who seemed to be standing on guard behind me like I had expected him to be. His protectiveness had gone into overdrive since he found out I was pregnant and this would have been a subject he would of like to have avoided me bringing up on my first day back to work. I was never all that good at talking about my past and at times it had upset me and he knew this as most of the time it had been him I was talking to.
“She was here,” He said stiffly, confirming what I was saying while putting a hand on my shoulder. I nuzzled it gently with my cheek trying to tell him I was OK and moved along with the conversation.
“Besides it doesn’t really matter if I was here or not. What you got to think of is Bella is a human and not just a product of this place and she is ill. All she has heard about for the last few months is her progress, which means all she has seen and heard is everybody now thinks she is fat and she feels bloody horrible about her self yet she hasn’t told any of us because after over 12 months here she wants out so she has found a way to lose the weight and found a deceive to deceive the scales and us in the process so she runs with it and before she knows it she is stuck so deep in the middle of it all she had no idea how to get out and there is no one she feels like she can turn to that wont resort in her stay here being extended so she carries it on. So one morning you have done the same trick as you usually do but as you are getting thinner you obviously have to drink more and more to compensate the weight loss and you realise half way though the weigh in that you really have to go but if you ask the nurse and leave she is going to want a urine sample to make sure your not water loading which would be confirmed when you come back any way because your weights going to have dropped a good few pounds or you weight sit it out and hope that she gets on with it quickly, after all you have been doing this for weeks and you have always made it to the loo before.
So you sit there and it’s uncomfortable and it hurts and quite frankly you feel like crying because of it all until finally she calls you over to the scales you get up and it all happens and once and there is nothing you can do abut it apart from stand there and pee your self in front of everyone and try not to cry from the embarrassment of it all but that isn’t even the worse thing, the worse thing is in the end it would all be for nothing as well because with that your game is up and it will be common knowledge to every one that you are losing weight. Lets be honest here Alice, poor old Bella didn’t have a chance that morning.” I said trying to smile even though somewhere at the back of my eyes I could feel the tears sit. What I had just described was one of my worse times in the unit and t had shoved another four months on my stay. I hated my self for days after it happened and I could never again look at any of the staff with out wanting to run away for each of then had known what happened and in the back of my head I knew when they where copped up in this office together some of them would have been picking fun at it and others would have been shaking there heads in mute disbelief. I felt a shiver go down the back of my spine.
“I think I get it now.” Alice said softly and next to her Edward nodded his approval. They both wore kind and understanding faces but mostly I just felt patronized by them. I had no idea if what I had just done helped Bella or shot my integrity as a nurse up the ass. All I knew is I would now never look the same to Alice and Edward again in the same way as Bella would always look just a little different to me weather I liked to admit it or not.
I went back to work on the Monday for the early shift as well as Emmet. Ava he been half heartedly trying to keep us in the know how about what was going on but mostly she just refused to talk about it saying I was off of work or a reason. She had even refused to tell me anything about Mi other then she had managed to prise the glass off of her with the help from Bella, Summer and Connor and she had been safe ever since so was now on Entry level observations. My heart had leapt when I heard this because I knew what it meant. Her first visit to our house would be immanent now with the out look of discharging her somewhere in the next four months.
We arrived to work nearly three hours early knowing there would be reams and reams of files to go through before we could get back into the swing of things not to mention any new admissions or changes in condition and when we let our self’s into the office at five that morning we much to the surprise of Alice and Edward who where writing up the night time notes we where glad we had as both white boards where littered with client information and files where day books where strewn all over the place with out much order. It appeared in our absence lots had happened.
“Well you two are a sight for sore eyes even if you are ridiculously early.” Edward said looking up from a day book that he was writing in. “This place really has been a mess with out you. Want the low down?” He smiled at the same time as letting out a sigh.
“Of course. How is every one?
“Well let’s start with Discharges. We have lost Ella, Conner and Jack,” Edward smiled. Discharges because of progress where happy things and these had been in the pipe line for a while. Ella had spent fifteen months with us and was long overdue to be going back home again. Of course with Ella there was always a chance we would be seeing her again as she was a frequent patient in apple gate house but we where always hopeful that one day she would remain well. Jack had been with us for just over six moths and we all saw his anxiety was now under control and he was doing well and Connor had always been a personal favourite of mine. He was hurt badly by his obsessive compulsion to touch hot things and his life had been controlled to the point of self destruction for the need to be clean and for things to be in odd numbers. He had come to us depressed and broken a part nearly a year ago but we saw him come alive and now he did not belong with us any more though a part of me would miss him sorely for a few days.
“No update on Bella’s discharge yet then?” I asked sighing. Her discharge had been planed for almost six weeks earlier but that was before we had found out what she was doing. At first it looked like after almost twelve months of trying she had beaten her eating disorder. She had reached her target weight and maintained it well and it had been a long time since we had to use her PEG or even give her the Ensure. Her move on meetings where good and she had a place lined up for her in a moving on eating disorders rehabilitation unit where the support would be minimal but there in case she needed it but then when I was doing weigh in one morning Everything fell apart.
“Afraid not Ez, like you said she had been on a slippery slope since you found out what she was doing.” Edward sighed before spinning around on his chair and pointing up at the notice board for today’s tasks, the top one being “insertion of NG tube for Bella Reynolds,” Her PEG had been removed in prep for her discharge and in a celebration of it not being needed, it seemed now the choice had been made prematurely.
“I will do it after breakfast.” I said sadly going over to the board and putting my initials beside the task before turning to Emmet to see if he would help. I didn’t have to say anything before he gave a small nod and I wrote his initials next to mine.
“Poor kid, she must still be mortified by what happened.” I moaned softly.
“To be perfectly honest I’m still not sure why she let it get that bed.” Alice said her voice floating in from know where as she pushed one book aside and started on another. I caught the name Mia written on the front and had to restrain my self to stop me throwing my self across the table at it. I was not looking forward to reading what our absence had done to her; or Connors discharge but at least when I new I could start to rebuild some of the rope bridges I had all ready made.
“She was water loading.” I said simply to Alice trying to pull my eyes away from the book she was writing.
“I know she was water loading but water loading or not if I was that desperate to pee I would have just gone. Surly that would have been better then just standing there and wetting your self in front of a nurse. I mean she knew you where going to think something was up if she did that any way. I’m sorry I just don’t get it.” Alice said sharking her head in disbelief which was mimicked by Edward. God these people needed educating.
“Well I get it.” I answered back trying to keep the slight irritation out of my voice.
“Well are you going to let us in on it then?” Alice asked looking up from the book again.
“Just put your self in her shoes. I said as I scanned my eyes down over the rest of the list before coming to the bottom one that read, Try and get Mi to talk, I was confused but quickly wrote Emmet and my self’s initials after it any way I wanted an excuse to spend some time with her.
“The trouble is Esmee none of us have ever been in her shoes have me and there is only so much stuff role play can teach us, to be there would be different and well we just haven’t been.” Alice smiled sadly
“I have.” I responded quietly not sure weather I really wanted her to here me or not. My past at work was unknown to even the staff with the exception of Jean who had only found out recently. It wasn’t because I was purposefully trying to hide it for I was not ashamed of it but in the current times and workings of apple gate house it wasn’t really important and no one had ever asked anyway.
“You have pissed you self in front of a weigh in nurse?” Alice asked simply while she laughed unperturbed by exactly how judgmental and harsh her words sounded against my ears on how if I was weaker she would have brought me to my knees.
“And there it is Alice right there,” I smiled turning away from the board to face her, she needed to learn this lesson now or in years she would turn into a Crystal junior. With out the occasional archer it was very easy to become numb to the suffering around you after years on the job and Alice had been there long enough now to not to care any more. As head nurse it was my job to make sure she did not lose her humanity for all of our sakes.
“There’s what?”
“In that one sentence there you made me feel about three inches tall and completely worthless. Yes I have water loaded and yes I have wet my self in front of the weigh in nurse because that morning I hadn’t calculated it right and drank too much just a little bit too early.” I stated in a matter of fact tone even though in reality right then it felt like I was trying to face the world alone. Alice just stared me like I had announced to them I was actually a man and was going to give up my nursing job to strip in a transgender night club.
“I… I mean… What…I?” Alice babbled her face lighting up in a brilliant red as she fumbled with the book in front of her trying to hide her face behind her hand.
“Look, Alice its fine and I’m sorry, don’t get upset or embarrassed about this I am just trying to help you understand like you asked me too.” I said grabbing a spare chair that was behind one of the desks and pulling it up closer to her sitting down my self.
“Well I feel like an idiot.”
“Don’t your learning and that’s all part of it here,” I smiled putting my hand on her shoulder. “I know that it is easy to make judgments about someone or something they do it’s a natural thing and we all do it all the time; I bet for a second when I said that you thought I was crazy. The thing is you know me better then that right and respect me for what I am now so that’s why your now embarrassed.”
“You just seem like the most unlikely person. Or are you just saying this to make me think?”
“I’m not lying. I came here when I was 16 and I left about a year later,” I said gently but Alice still looked unconvinced.
“Look Emmet will you drive the point home here.” I asked over my shoulder to Emmet who seemed to be standing on guard behind me like I had expected him to be. His protectiveness had gone into overdrive since he found out I was pregnant and this would have been a subject he would of like to have avoided me bringing up on my first day back to work. I was never all that good at talking about my past and at times it had upset me and he knew this as most of the time it had been him I was talking to.
“She was here,” He said stiffly, confirming what I was saying while putting a hand on my shoulder. I nuzzled it gently with my cheek trying to tell him I was OK and moved along with the conversation.
“Besides it doesn’t really matter if I was here or not. What you got to think of is Bella is a human and not just a product of this place and she is ill. All she has heard about for the last few months is her progress, which means all she has seen and heard is everybody now thinks she is fat and she feels bloody horrible about her self yet she hasn’t told any of us because after over 12 months here she wants out so she has found a way to lose the weight and found a deceive to deceive the scales and us in the process so she runs with it and before she knows it she is stuck so deep in the middle of it all she had no idea how to get out and there is no one she feels like she can turn to that wont resort in her stay here being extended so she carries it on. So one morning you have done the same trick as you usually do but as you are getting thinner you obviously have to drink more and more to compensate the weight loss and you realise half way though the weigh in that you really have to go but if you ask the nurse and leave she is going to want a urine sample to make sure your not water loading which would be confirmed when you come back any way because your weights going to have dropped a good few pounds or you weight sit it out and hope that she gets on with it quickly, after all you have been doing this for weeks and you have always made it to the loo before.
So you sit there and it’s uncomfortable and it hurts and quite frankly you feel like crying because of it all until finally she calls you over to the scales you get up and it all happens and once and there is nothing you can do abut it apart from stand there and pee your self in front of everyone and try not to cry from the embarrassment of it all but that isn’t even the worse thing, the worse thing is in the end it would all be for nothing as well because with that your game is up and it will be common knowledge to every one that you are losing weight. Lets be honest here Alice, poor old Bella didn’t have a chance that morning.” I said trying to smile even though somewhere at the back of my eyes I could feel the tears sit. What I had just described was one of my worse times in the unit and t had shoved another four months on my stay. I hated my self for days after it happened and I could never again look at any of the staff with out wanting to run away for each of then had known what happened and in the back of my head I knew when they where copped up in this office together some of them would have been picking fun at it and others would have been shaking there heads in mute disbelief. I felt a shiver go down the back of my spine.
“I think I get it now.” Alice said softly and next to her Edward nodded his approval. They both wore kind and understanding faces but mostly I just felt patronized by them. I had no idea if what I had just done helped Bella or shot my integrity as a nurse up the ass. All I knew is I would now never look the same to Alice and Edward again in the same way as Bella would always look just a little different to me weather I liked to admit it or not.
Wednesday, 9 November 2011
( Esmee) Moving forward and accepting. (Mi's side)
Moving forward and accepting.
Leo had lied. I spent six nights in the hospital and he had only later told me that in reality he had been expecting that length of time. After I left I was eager to get on with things but Emmet had had other ideas that mostly involved me sitting on my ass and twiddling my fingers which I did with out moaning for a few days until after three weeks of watching day time TV and sleeping over twelve hours a day I thought I was going to scream or go completely crazy so I put my foot down and told Emmet I would be returning to work.
The weeks had been good to me no matter how tedious they where and in general I was feeling better then Ever. I had been sleeping well and had cut out the exercise. I was also with out question eating better and taking Vitamins and Folic acid to try and help my pregnancy along as much as I could and so far against all the odds that where stacked up against the little one growing somewhere inside of me my pregnancy was progressing in the normal and healthy way. Routine blood tests had come back absolutely fine and through the means of an ultrasound scan Emmet and my self had heard the tiny heart that we had created together beating away defying every odd against it. By this time in my previous pregnancy’s I had lost three of my five babies, the first one ending at seven weeks, the second at eight and my forth at one day off of nine weeks. Baby three had reached week 10 though he had threatened miscarriage in the seventh week and that only left Mia who was now are bouncy, sticky button know as Mia.
With the news that I was pregnant my symptoms emerged as well which could be tiresome but carried there own joys in a certain way. There was something that was OK even good about having a bucket under my chair at the table for it had become common knowledge that I would puke almost exactly one minute after I finished my breakfast, and I also didn’t mind the fact that I also found my self vomiting at any point during the morning with only a few minutes warning either. I did not mind the fact that I now apparently had the bladder of an ant which sent me running to the low every few hours and I even cared very little about the fact I had not made it to the bathroom on more then one occasion. In fact it caused much hilarity to Emmet as we where also trying to potty train Mia and during breakfast he would bets on about who would Pee them self more that day. Was all of this embarrassing? Completely but it also didn’t matter for with only one other pregnancy had o experienced these kind of symptoms and that was Mia’s If my tiny little baby was causing these things they did not matter in the slightest because it was because of her and my heart all ready ached with the love I felt for it. Of course the most exciting of all the new pregnancy developments was the bump. I was early on and the bump was little but Emmet and my self could see it there and countless hours where spent talking singing and rubbing it. Of course we know the reality that probably waited for this bump but that is what made it all the more important for we both know at any moment on any day it could all slip away again. It would kill us inside we would cry a lot but we would and could move on again. We had Mia and we had each other if it happened it wouldn’t feel like enough but it was.
Esmee
Leo had lied. I spent six nights in the hospital and he had only later told me that in reality he had been expecting that length of time. After I left I was eager to get on with things but Emmet had had other ideas that mostly involved me sitting on my ass and twiddling my fingers which I did with out moaning for a few days until after three weeks of watching day time TV and sleeping over twelve hours a day I thought I was going to scream or go completely crazy so I put my foot down and told Emmet I would be returning to work.
The weeks had been good to me no matter how tedious they where and in general I was feeling better then Ever. I had been sleeping well and had cut out the exercise. I was also with out question eating better and taking Vitamins and Folic acid to try and help my pregnancy along as much as I could and so far against all the odds that where stacked up against the little one growing somewhere inside of me my pregnancy was progressing in the normal and healthy way. Routine blood tests had come back absolutely fine and through the means of an ultrasound scan Emmet and my self had heard the tiny heart that we had created together beating away defying every odd against it. By this time in my previous pregnancy’s I had lost three of my five babies, the first one ending at seven weeks, the second at eight and my forth at one day off of nine weeks. Baby three had reached week 10 though he had threatened miscarriage in the seventh week and that only left Mia who was now are bouncy, sticky button know as Mia.
With the news that I was pregnant my symptoms emerged as well which could be tiresome but carried there own joys in a certain way. There was something that was OK even good about having a bucket under my chair at the table for it had become common knowledge that I would puke almost exactly one minute after I finished my breakfast, and I also didn’t mind the fact that I also found my self vomiting at any point during the morning with only a few minutes warning either. I did not mind the fact that I now apparently had the bladder of an ant which sent me running to the low every few hours and I even cared very little about the fact I had not made it to the bathroom on more then one occasion. In fact it caused much hilarity to Emmet as we where also trying to potty train Mia and during breakfast he would bets on about who would Pee them self more that day. Was all of this embarrassing? Completely but it also didn’t matter for with only one other pregnancy had o experienced these kind of symptoms and that was Mia’s If my tiny little baby was causing these things they did not matter in the slightest because it was because of her and my heart all ready ached with the love I felt for it. Of course the most exciting of all the new pregnancy developments was the bump. I was early on and the bump was little but Emmet and my self could see it there and countless hours where spent talking singing and rubbing it. Of course we know the reality that probably waited for this bump but that is what made it all the more important for we both know at any moment on any day it could all slip away again. It would kill us inside we would cry a lot but we would and could move on again. We had Mia and we had each other if it happened it wouldn’t feel like enough but it was.
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