My father

OK, so i'm not sure about this. I found it very comforting to write and for that reasion i love it but i am worried that it just doesn't "fit" quite right but then i think it is about time Emmet expresses his feeling a bit more openly like Esmee does. Hmmmm..... what do you think. Do i need to re-do this and take it off in a whole new direction?

My father

 

“I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you”

Father and Duaghter, by

Paul Simons

 

 I wept openly yet shamefully time I finished rubbing my skin off in the shower. I didn’t want comfort and I ignored any words of sympathy that Lee tried to offer as I climbed into the ECA suitable clothes that had been delivered around the edge of the door by Emmet’s hand. I only cried because I couldn’t stop the tears and was painfully aware of the involuntary sniffs and jerky breaths that escaped my chest as my shoulders shook.

“Come on sweet heart,” Lee said sympathetically lightly placing her hand to my back after I had got changed still wet. The bathroom door opened with a pop as she slid her knew key card gingerly through the gap and I slipped out into the now vomit and urine free ECA even if it did smell intoxicating full of cleaning chemicals.

“This place is lethal.” Emmet said from the open door of the ECA as he tried to waft the chemical smell out of the door. A few minutes in here and we will all be unconscious. We are going to have to make a short trip to ECA two. One of us will need to hold onto your arm Mi when we go across. I won’t lie to you it’s a semi restraint but once again it’s protocol. I have to keep you in an ECA for at least an hour once you are admitted to one and any movement between ECA’s has to be done under some form of moving restraint.”

I lifted out one of my arms in obedience for either Lee or Emmet to grab hold of even though I stayed with my eyes glued to the floor. I once again gave me best effort to control my shaking shoulders but couldn’t and as soon as I felt Emmet touch my arm it only made it harder for me not to break out in full sobbing.

“You’re going to be OK,” he said gently as my feet stumbled out of the ECA door, out of the nurses’ station across the corridor and into ECA 2 with what felt like a thousand eyes on me even though the corridor was empty. I knew that clients would be watching though. You learnt how to peep through cracks in the doors to see escorts like this with a mixture of relief and sympathy inside your heart. The relief was because it wasn’t you. The sympathy was because chances where, at least once, you had felt everything they were feeling. 

I let go of Emmet when the door closed behind me in ECA two like a good girl and looked around the room to make sure there wasn’t something different that I had missed. I hadn’t, it was exactly the same as ECA one minus the cleaner smell. This room had not aged at all in the whole seven months.

“I have got it from here Lee, if you want to go and meet some of the other clients or even get to grips with writing the day books that would be great,” Emmet instructed holding the ECA door open to let Lee out. She nodded once nervously before offering me a sad smile and leaving. From that moment on whenever she was on shift and she caught a glimpse of me she would first and for most remember me as the girl who wet herself and had to get naked in front of her. I sure new how to make a first impression.

“Do you need to chat?” Emmet asked after the door closed with a click behind Lee blocking out all of the natural light. “Or would you rather I left and tried to find a doctor who could give me the go ahead to lower your observations?” I couldn’t give him a proper answer so I shrugged my still shaking shoulders while I sniffed with the waves of tears. In my head I prayed that he wouldn’t leave me. I prayed that he had some comfort to give me so it could start to feel better again.

“I’ll stay then. I don’t really want to leave you on your own when you’re so very upset. I’m going to sit down here OK, if there is anything that I can do to help you let me know.”

“I can’t stop crying,” I complained smiling even though more tears fell from my eyes and my body shook.

“Then you’re not ready to honey and that’s OK, sometimes you just need to cry things out. I know you aren’t very uncomfortable with tears but I’m still OK with them and I’m still here for you.” I couldn’t argue with that. He had never turned his back on me. In the last seven months I had dealt out the shit and he had taken it before coming back and asking for more just so he could prove to me that there was some goodness still left in the world. He had slowly but surely proven to me that sometimes people didn’t leave if you said the wrong things or made mistakes but I was still scared of that more than anything else in the world.

I chose the spot on the floor next to him and sat down. The truth was I wanted to crawl into his lap and curl into a ball and it was there that I wanted to stay. He could keep me safe from blades and pills and food. He could even get the confused feelings that came with Connor to leave me alone.

“I can’t remember,” I stuttered wrapping my arms around me in the absence of someone else to put them around. “I tried all night… but I just can’t remember,” I moaned pressing my hands into my eyes as the tears made me take in a sharp breath that hurt my ribs.

“What can’t you remember?”

“The exact colour of my new room - or the colour of Esmee’s and yours, I can’ remember the design on Mia’s cot or the tiles in your kitchen. I tried all night to remember but I just couldn’t.  What I do remember is what type of razor blade you use and exactly where it is on the bathroom wall. I know that Esmee’s is hot pink and it is on the side of the bath. I know that the medicine cabinet in the family bathroom isn’t looked and in there you have exactly 32 Paracetamol, 28 ibuprofen, 60 venlaflazin tablets and a bottle of folic acid. There is a bottle and a half of calpoe in there and a pair of nail scissors. You’re knife block is clear and has exactly 8 knives in it and two pairs of sharp scissors. You keep the bleach and cleaning things in the cupboard just above the sink to the right. In the living room there was a pair of hair straighteners on the side with candela lighter and a pencil sharpener.” The tears made me take in another sharp intake of breath but there were still more that I could say - So many ways to self-destruct where beckoning to me.   

“That’s some very scary thoughts you have going on there. I can understand why things have got on top of you but I think I should try and assure you that that apprehension about leaving a safe place and going back to something more main stream gets to everyone and you have been here for a really long time. It is also very normal that those are the things that you remember the most about our house. The good news is now that we have identified the problem we can make a plan on how mw can make this easier for you.”

“I don’t think you can,” I moaned trying desperately to remember the number of roses that where carved into the wood of my new bed that awaited me. It was nine or ten, or maybe even eleven or twelve. I should have known like I knew about the tablets, it felt unforgivable that I had learnt about all the ways I could check out of their home before I had even checked in. I would fail at their house. I would take those pills and use their razors to slit my wrists in a room that I didn’t even know the colour of and then they would hate me. They would feel rage towards my presence in there otherwise organized house. They would regret their decision to have me every time I entered in a room. They would loath every cell of me and all I would be able to remember was what they had in there medicine cabinet. I would lose them for the sake of tiny white pills.

“Mi we can do things…”

“I don’t want you to hate me!” I stuttered cutting Emmet off - the words that I feared exploding form my lips before there was a way to stop them. My whole body shuddered and shook harder to hold the sobs back now. The thought was too much inside my pounding head. “I want you to love me! I need you to love me, not just tolerate me! I need you to be proud of me but I am no good! I will fail! I will cut myself inside your house and I will bleed on your floors and then you will hate me but I need you to love me!” I shouted in full force now, as I got to my feet and scampered over to the other side of the room away from Emmet. I could hardly breathe as I let the terrifying thought consume me. They were in my life now. They were so intertwined with me that them leaving me was just an impossible hurt to bear. After A-bell had died I told myself that I would never feel anything like I had felt for her ever again. Then they came, and I lost my heart somewhere with there’s. There was nothing better in the world to break your heart then a pure all-consuming love.

 “Mi, Mi. Stop…stop.” Emmet comforted as I pushed at the walls. He got to his feet and came over to me wrapping one of his arms over my shoulder from behind and bringing it gently across my chest.

“No, don’t,” I moaned, it hurts, let me go” I whimpered my body sagging slightly, half of it in agony from his touch and the other half feeling sick with relief.

“I love you,” He whispered tightening his grip around me. “I will love you no matter what is in the future. You are good and I am proud of you and you will never change those feelings in me no matter how you harm yourself or push me away. I love you like a daughter,” Emmet whispered even more gently to fully make sure that the cameras could not pick up what he was saying. “You are loved and always will be. You belong in our home Mi and I will fight to make that happen. I know it is hard, but you will have to trust me that I will do anything I can to make it OK. I will protect you sweetheart… As if you where my own … … I promise.”

Missing purity

Missing purity

“I'm scared and I’m alone
I'm ashamed,
And i need for you to know
I didn't say all the things that i wanted to say,
 you can't take back what you've taken away
'cause I feel you, I feel you near me”

"Damaged" by

 plumb

 There were no words to describe how much I hated having to do what I was about to surrender to. The muscles in my body ached for the hot water of a shower to crash over them and sooth but even that relief would come at a price and that price was a pair of brand new eyes watching and the ECA bathrooms left you wide open for viewing. In the normal bathrooms around the unit all the showers had clear plastic shower curtains around them so the staff could still see through if you were on red observations. I remembered  protesting about them and asking what was the point of having them there at all but that had been months ago, the ECA’s shower now so cruelly had an answer to that question. It appeared the advantage of a clear shower curtain was something you would only come to understand when that was also taking away from you. I had never noticed it before but now but to my slow horror realised that the ECA’s bathrooms actually doubled as a wet room. The shower was a hose sticking from the wall and a drain on the floor. There was nothing else.

“Well that’s dignified,” I heard Lee mumble to herself uncomfortably as she regarded the same fittings as I did with almost as much horror.

“What are you worried about? I am the one who has to take my clothes off!” I snapped before I could stop myself, the panic bubbling up from inside of me as I walked over to under the shower and rested my head against the cold tiled walls debating for a few moments weather I was actually going to be sick again.

“I know Mi, I’m sorry, I’m just new to all of this and well… it doesn’t feel right.” Lee moaned lowering herself onto the white plastic stool that was positioned in the corner of the room for staff at a perfect angle to make sure that there were absolutely no blind spots in their view of the shower or toilet.

I wanted to stay angry at her. I wanted to rant and scream at the top of my lungs and demand that she stopped feeling sorry for herself. That if it felt wrong for her sitting on that stool she should try standing where I was… but the anger didn’t last. It was the sadness of everything that had me and I would Sercombe to its pressured blackness

I started to remove my clothes slowly from the top half until I was stood in just my bra and jeans. I tried not to look at Lee but couldn’t help notice her skim her golden brown eyes over my body. They lingered on my scars the longest, and then shifted to my stomach where a short coil of tubing snaked from the hole in my tummy to be tapped just under my rib cage. I knew logically that that was probably what had caught her interest in that area, but my head screamed that it was the fat she was judging. I told myself that the whole ordeal would have been easier if she would only have to watch over the perfections of a skeleton and not the blubber of a wale.

 I turned away from her pressing my body against the gritty tiles and closed my eyes trying to swallow the tears.  I lowered my damp jeans to the floor next and side stepped out of them revealing my obviously wet underwear to Lee which made my inside crumble a little bit more. The vomiting was bad enough and the wide open shower was devastating but this seemed worse than all of them put together. Sixteen year olds at the very least should have been able to control their bladders if nothing else. It made no difference that I had been busting for the loo and the strain of retching had made it impossible to hold. I could have lost all control and I would have excused myself for it, apart from the control of that -that made me want to melt through the floors to the cavity underneath and rot with the heating until nothing that could feel remained.

I started to cry and there was no way I could stop it as I took off my bra and lowered my pants before turning the water to the hottest setting and standing underneath the jets of water. I knew that they would never really be enough to make me clean; I was dirty to the core. There was not enough soap or water in the world to scrub out the embarrassment and shame that was engrained into my pores but I already knew that, even so I could not stop crying over the fact. All I had ever wanted was to take back the purity that they had stolen from me however that was too much to ask.

A miserable red protocol

Sorry about the waite... here is an extra long chapter.

A miserable red protocol

“Good girl. Brilliant, amazing girl. I am so proud of you. You’re doing so well my love,” Emmet praised wholeheartedly as he rubbed my back in comfort. Of course Sophie was pissed. She did not handle rejection well and she did not like it when I saw through her camouflage as the pretty loving girl. Like she did before she tried to take me by force –  a black mist trying to drive it’s way though my chest but something stopped her this time like a wall for my salvation. Emmet had a great deal to do with it. She had always hated him and Esmee more than anyone else in the world and I had long since worked out that was because they were the only people I would betray her for, however… this time… there was me as well. I did not produce such a powerful shield as Emmet did. He had been perfecting his for years and years in the defence of his wife and every other eating disorder patient that had come to the unit sick from her disease, but it was there. Alone I had no doubt she would overwhelm me is seconds but I had the beginning of one against her now whereas before I would have been beating Emmet’s shield down along with her to get on her side. Sophie had made two big mistakes that marked her slow downfall inside my head. She had turned my best friend to dust and bones and maybe even worse than that she still tried to get at my sister – my amazing, beautiful, astonishing sister. To defend her-I would suddenly have the strength of an army.

I tried to take some deep breaths to stop the nausea, It didn’t work well in honestly I still had the urge to be sick but it was tolerable. I positioned myself as close to Emmet as I could without actually touching him. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to. His hand in mine would have given me more strength then he could ever guess but I was covered in sick… every inch of me… and worse, during the panic or the retching I think I had managed to wet myself as well. I was a disaster zone – he must have been disgusted by me. I was disgusted by me at the very least.

“You brave, remarkable girl,” Emmet cooed, ignoring my current vileness and turning me into hug him. I had been right of course. He passed his strength to me in bucket loads but it was too much to just make me strong it went past that and left me feeling embarrassed and hurting. I held my breath and swallowed hard to try and stop me from sobbing again, but I wanted the tears. Now that the war was ebbing away I wanted to morn for the casualty’s. I had spent the night burning about what Connor had said and Sophie came to finish me off. I was allowed to be wounded and I was allowed to be scared but they were feelings to feel alone and not with Emmet.

“You will never know how much you inspire me.”

“Inspire you? I swear you are few sandwiches short of a picnic Emmet.” I laughed pulling away from him and leaning myself up against the foam walls instead trying to breath in and out evenly even though my head still swam around with endless fears and ideas. “I am covered in vomit,” I continued when Emmet didn’t respond to me, “Completely covered in vomit. I am shaking and I can’t bloody well stop, and while I am in the process of being horribly honest, I am pretty convinced that I have wet myself. So please, please tell me what part of that you find inspiring and not just plain disgusting?”

“I find your fight inspiring. That you try and fight such strong demons and you do it with such power. I see how they are destroying you from the outside but you don’t hand what they want over to them. You just told Sophie to go away. You told anorexia that you were better than it and the worst thing that has happened is I have some vomit to mop up and you’re going to have to take a shower and wash some clothes. As for the shaking, that will pass eventually; it’s just your body reacting to the adrenalin.

I sank to the floor and pulled my knees up to my chest, resting my head on the top of them - not sure whether I could hold the tears back. It was not the same scared and frantic crying that came from the pain of a burning soul but a deeper crying. I wanted to cry from the darker bits of pain hat where stuck inside of me. I wanted to cry out the bits that where still convinced that I should die, that Emmet was just doing his job and his complements where worthless and see through.  I wanted to cry because my ribs where sore and I was covered in pee and vomit. I wanted to cry simply because I hurt from every part of me and I needed to wash the wounds clean but I knew that I shouldn’t. I had already used up my fair share of Emmets compassion and understanding. My fresh tears would have him sat on the floor with his arm around me in seconds though and even though a part of me longed for it another part just didn’t want to feel it.

There was a long buzz and the door of the ECA was pushed open again letting a softer natural daylight pool around the edges for a few seconds before a completely new nurse that I had never seen before hoped in around the edge brandishing a mop and bucket while wearing a nervous smile.

“I was sent up, there was no one else free,” She stated, smiling at Emmet. I shivered, backing into the wall. I still hated new people. That much would never change.

“You’re as good as anyone,” Emmet smiled going over to her and taking away the mop and bucket. The new woman was very short and rounded. Even Esmee at a tiny five foot would have been taller than her but the most striking thing about the new woman was how very young she looked. Some of the clients in the unit even looked older than her but that wouldn’t be hard. Too many teenagers in the walls of apple gate house had seen and dealt with things even old age pensioners would find hard to handle. Not many found a room here if they had had an easy life.

“Mi this is Rosalie,” Emmets said trying to introduce me to the intruder in the room like she should have been my best friend. It was a strange world inside the walls of hospitals. You may have been hurt all your life and the hands of strange people but as soon as you stepped inside a building that contained nurses, those strangers where meant to instantly become your best friends without a second thought. Not only could I have spilled all my deepest darkest secrets to this new girl if I wanted to whereas in society I would be considered mad if I did that to anyone I saw,  it was expected of me to tell her everything that had happened in my life so far.

“Owww no, not Rosalie. Rosalie’s my grandmother. Just Lee please if you don’t mind,” The girl smiled revealing a line of crocked white teeth that made her look even more youthful. She could be no older than 22 and even that pushed the imagination. She seemed more teenager like with her presence, like with a few extra mental scars she could have easily clamed a bed and been considered one of the gang.

“Mi finds meeting new people quite hard,” Emmet explained for me when I couldn’t even find the words to great her properly. My head still felt uncomfortable and I was still very aware of the state I was in. A first meeting shouldn’t have been quite so … ucky.

“That’s OK I am sure we will get to know each other over time, and things are always ten times worse when you’re not feeling in top shape. I can start mopping up if you want me to,” Lee said in a bubbly tone that only newly qualified professionals seemed to manage. Even Esmee and Emmet with their unlimited care and compassion had managed to lose that tone of voice over there many years of nursing. I did not make me feel better. I was glad that she loved what she was doing and that she had faith in it but it would go away. After hours and hours of seeing people like me every day, after never seeing any improvement and after losing people along the way she would learn that not everything in life could be approached with such naive optimism and that was sad. She seemed far too young to lose it. We all where.

“I don’t think we will be quite that mean to have you cleaning up vomit on your first day,” Emmet laughed dismissing the suggestion. “It would be great if you could sit down with Mi for me and give her some company and support if needed while I do it through. Maybe you could even keep an eye if she wants to use the bathroom to get her self-cleaned up a bit.”

“Am I on red then?” The meaning of what Emmet just said reaching my brain in a rush. “Do I need to have someone in the bathroom with me?” It would seem logical for me to be but I didn’t want it. Red had meant you failed. It wasn’t meant to be used like that but everyone saw it that way in the end.  If you were put on red’s it meant that in some way you had worried the staff and for some reason that almost broke my heart all over again. I had been trying so hard to be OK.

“It is unit protocol that an ECA admission is always accompanied by a red observation status until there is an agreement with a doctor that the observation can be lowered. As a head nurse I can higher observations but I can’t lower them. Now I will promise you that I will get on the phone as soon as I can to track down a doctor that can lower you observations. It is Saturday though, and doctors are notoriously hard to get hold of on the weekend,” Emmet explained with a grimace. He hated to hurt people.

I swallowed a lump in my throat as the news was broken to me. I still wanted to cry and the bad news of an upcoming twenty four to forty eight hours on red was making controlling the tears almost impossible. I was fed up with failing at life. When I thought I was getting somewhere I turned backwards and sprinted back to the start line before I could even recognise it. Even after what Conner had said I still wanted to leave the unit. I was scared of it now, more scared then I thought I could be but what would have been the point of me trying to reach recovery if I was going to stay in Apple gate house? Yes I would have been safe here but I wouldn’t have been alive, however I wasn’t sure I would be alive if I was allowed to step inside the death trap that was the Bears house.  I was sure of one thing though. If kept fucking up, if I kept slipping to red observations, I would never even get the chance to try back on the side of the fence I had once lived on. I would never leave. I would never be the good person that they deserved.

“I understand,” I signed to Emmet. I was unwilling to vocalise my acceptance of the harsh red fact because I didn’t think I could stop my voice from shaking if I did and then he would comfort me and I would melt into one of the vomit puddles on the floor. He wouldn’t have minded. He would have even found a way to comfort me but I didn’t want that. I wanted to be stable – just for once in my life.

“Go and have a shower honey,” Emmet instructed as he went over to the concealed door at the side of the room and slid his card key though the slot to reveal the bright white tiles behind it. “I will clean up in here when Lee observes you then as soon as you are done I’ll take over from her and we can have a chat about what happened.”

“I am so sorry,” I moaned to him with my hands as I stumbled to my feet and gave Lee a nod so she knew I was going to take his advice. I did not wait around to hear his reply.

thinking caps on peeps!

Hi all i am trying to decorate my house and i have found somone that turns any quote you want into a big wall sticker. I have alwyas love quotes in genral but i want to make it really personal and use one from this story. I am looking for two quotes really. One that is insperatonal and one about Esmee and Emmets love for each other. I am making a short list for my self but there are loads and i am sure that there are some that i have missed.

If there us one that stick in your head (up to 35 words long) could you give me a genral idea of it so i can consider it. I dosn't need to be word for word, just something that can jog my memory so i can hunt for it!

So far i am liking

“I want you forever and always, what ever comes with that comes with that.” or

"I love every one of those scars because they are apart of you." or

“Perfect isn’t a person, it’s a fleeting moment in time and it’s never permanent. We’re not built to be perfect we are built to be alive.”

 

I am sure there is something better though! So thinking caps on people! I need help! Ta

 

Sophie's real name

Sophie’s real name

 “Not a problem, I can do that, just keep concentrating on my voice OK. I am going to loop my arm in through yours and guide you, just go with me; I promise I won’t lead you into danger.”

I could not really see where I was going as Emmet toed my trembling body through the corridor before swiping his key in the slot of the ECA and heaving the thick heavy door open with one shoulder. The inside of the ECA like always was really stuffy and very dark with only the soft glow of the night light on in there that never went off. It was too hot as well even though it was right In the middle of winter. I guessed all of the padding on the walls was a good insulator for the under floor heating.

I dropped to my hands and knees as soon as I got into the room and crawled over to the far corner that was cast in shadow from the lack of light until someone in CCTV hit the button and bright light bounced off of the grey foam walls in all directions.

“Who have you got in there with you Emmet; I can’t get a clear enough view with the cameras.” I jumped into the air and onto my feet   as the disembodied voice echoed around the room of the ECA convincing me that I may have lost my mind. I was beginning to regret my choice to ask for the ECA; it felt like I was in a giant cooking pot and they were about to pour in the boiling water.

“It’s Mi, It’s OK I am staying with her.” Emmet spoke back coolie to the voice meaning he must have been able to hear it to. I screamed again, pressing my broken finger nails into the foam on the wall and letting the pain swell inside of me until I had to shout with the agony.

“All right darling, this will pass, these feelings can’t last forever and they won’t you just need to ride them out OK. You do what you need to try and gain some control again. If you start to get dangerous towards yourself I will step in and stop you so you haven’t got to worry about anything.”

I started to shout again but was cut off as vomit rose forcefully into my mouth before violently expelling its self into my hands and down over my clothes onto the floor. I through my hand over my mouth as more nausea hit me but could do nothing to bay it back as more acid burst from my mouth and covered me again making me panic and disorientated as it showed no signs of slowing down or stopping.

“All right, it’s OK,” Emmet soothed taking my vomit covered hands away from my mouth and bending me over slightly so I could be sick without getting it everywhere even if it was going onto the floor of the ECA. “I have projectile vomit in her, could you call down and get me some help” he then announced to know one as I threw another mouthful of lumpy orange and green liquid onto the floor.

“Already done it Em, someone is on the way, just hold tight,” The disembodied voice announced.

“You could throw up forever and you would still be fat now Mia. I gave you your chance! I gave you everything I had and you threw it in my face. I could have made everyone like you! I told you that I could have made you perfect and shiny and better and you did this! You did all this to yourself I could have saved you.”

“You killed Bella!” I shrieked at the top of my voice! “You don’t save anyone! You Kill them!  You took a sixteen year olds life and she was perfect! She was better then you! Stronger then you! Prettier then you! You may have the body of a goddess Sophie but you are ugly and you are twisted and you are not my friend! I don’t want you anymore! I want food, and nice hair and good teeth! I don’t need you anymore Anorexia!

fast food

Fast food

 “I can’t remember ordering fast food.” Emmet announced as he pealed the pancake off of his face and whipped it with one of his long sleeves. “Anybody here pray for flying pancakes?”  The whole table including staff erupted into hysterical laughter apart from me as Emmets gaze swept the room for the plate-less patient before finally landing on me.

I headed under the table and into a tight ball before he could say another word and before Crystal could lunge off her seat and kick my ass halfway into next year.

“If you didn’t eat all the shit they put in front of you it would have never have come to any of this Mia and you could be smaller now, not so fat that you can’t even curl up properly anymore. You are disgusting Mia. It would take bleach to scrub out those insides and make them shiny again. Your fat! Fat! Fat! Fat!

I squeaked as the voice imploded inside of my head and filled up my body. I clawed at the top of the table until my fingers hit the supports and the fingernails bent back making the blood spill down the side of them in droplets. I screeched again at the pain before it blocked in my throat and made me cough until I gagged.

“Mi, it’s Ok, you’re not in trouble but it is time to get out OK.” I could see the blurry outline of Emmet on his tummy from the right side of me but it wasn’t right and before I could make myself react to him his body morphed into a girl I had never wanted to see near me again. A girl that I hoped I had laid to rest after the last time I had seen her as clearly as this.

“Come with Me Mia, it’s all Ok. I can make it perfect again. I can make you skinny. I can make it all better again; I am your friend, your very best friend. I Love you.”

I screamed again scrambling away from the hallucination before it once again turned back into Emmet in front of me. I pressed my hand into his so he could drag me out from under the table and into the swirling corridor where the walls melted into funny shapes of Sophie, Brian, Joe, mum…

“ Mi! Mi! Focus on my voice! Where do we need to go to Mi? Where do you need to be?”

“ECA!” I shouted before thinking. “Please ECA me!”

Pancakes have explosive tendencies (Mi)

Pancakes have explosive tendencies

Mi

That night I burned. I said nothing else to Connor after he had pointed out all of the things in the house that could trip me up and retreated to my room, but it did nothing to settle me down. I was going to fall anyway and I spent the night in blistering heated agony and frozen solid limbs and there was nothing that could make it go away, and no one to even try and chase it away. I spent the night rocking and crying and clawing at my arms until the skin peeled off under my fingernails making the flesh underneath sorer then even cuts could, but it did nothing to make the pain go away, or to make my head stop spinning around. I thought I was going to die or and least go up in flames but eventually the morning came and the staff knocked on my door to “wake me up” even though I had not slept at all. Of course then came the breakfast to drive me off of the very thin ledge I was on.

The unit’s breakfast was predictable and I liked it that way. It had once taken me to my knees to be presented with cereal, toast and some sort of fruit juice and told that I had to eat it all but in its familiarity I had come to learn how to switch off some of the dread that come with these foods. I had learnt to drown out the screaming and protesting with solid chewing and the exact knowledge of how every last thing would look, taste, feel and even sound. Even though I was messed up and my insides felt like they were about to burst from the day before there was a chance I could have pushed toast down my mouth, chewed, and swallowed.  I might have made it through breakfast and back to my room before my brain imploded. Today however, some dick head dietician and decided to present me with 3 blueberry pancakes and a pot of natural yoghurt to make me unravel.

My mind did the calculations before I could stop them from doing it. A blueberry pancake, about six inches in diameter, 171 calories. There were three of them, 513. One pot of natural yoghurt; six ounces of it. 150  calories. 663 calories altogether. Build up menu size again. over 100 calories more than usual. Internal explosion. Blood. Fire. Carnage. Fleeing.

I wanted to protest. I wanted to stand up get up on the table and stomp the pancakes into oblivion. I wanted to slam both my wrist so hard down onto the Formica that the table cracked and my bones splintered. I wanted to plunge my fork into my chest and pull it open so I could reach in and squeeze my heart until it burst open and the blood spattered the walls and windows. I wanted to rip the flesh off of my bones and poor on the acid until they dissolved and I wanted to laugh allowed as I did it.

I inflated my lungs in a rush and held onto the table with all my might as a nurse announced we could start and forks began crashing against plates and teeth started an assault on cooked batter. For the first time in ages I found myself observing others at meal times and not in my bubble of food and it was disgusting to behold. I could hear and see absolutely everything in high definition and my wind piped closed in and my system filled with even more acid. I could hear a billion knives and forks smashing against ceramic and a thousand throats gulping as the food went into their stomach  and splattered like bird shit onto the ground. I could see half eaten food swirling around inside mouths and through teeth as stubborn crumbs stuck in the corners of people mouths. Inside my head a trillion voices screamed and laughed and crunched and slurped with just one in particular that chanted at me to eat … eat …. Eat …eat!

I screamed, The noise escaping from my mouth in a high pitched rush before I picked up the plate and open pot of yoghurt and lobbed it across the dining room towards the door. The ceramic smashed into tiny pieces and the pancakes landed across Emmets face while the natural yoghurt thumped him square in the chest before dripping down onto his shoes. I had found a way to silence the masses.