OK just a bit more from Emmet's side here i have been neglecting the poor man
Green eyed monster
As Mia’s protest from her nursery got louder it was almost as if the sound drew the daemons out from inside of Esmee, like somehow Mia screaming had been as good as dragging the razor across her skin and though she didn’t move to get Mia she seemed calm now like nothing inside her was testing her any more.
“Can you get her?” Esmee finally asked me blinking rapidly like somehow she was just walking up from where she had been. “I know she is shouting for me but I am not really in the best state to get her.” Esmee said again calmly as she pressed a slightly trembling hand on top of the wound on her leg that had started bleeding again.
“I can go,” I confirmed still amazed at how she had gone from where she was to this in the space of seconds; it seemed to good to be true.
“Are you going to be OK?” I asked at the door struggling with me self to leave, I had no idea what she was going to do with her self and a part of me wanted to stay, little Mia would cry her self back to sleep eventually, we where not normally in the practise of self soothing With Mia mostly because none of us could with stand the sound of her sobbing for longer then a few moments but here it almost seemed like a good idea to let her cry it out; especially if the other option was for Esmee to bleed it out
“I will be OK Em. I seem to be OK now, it’s Mia she dose these things to me.” Esmee said almost confused as me as she started to wipe blood off of her leg with a soft white tissue I smiled and at her and left towards Mia’s nursery. I was glad Esmee was OK, I was glad their was something out their that would make her see all the hope when she thought she had lost it but there was still one problem, it seemed so stupid but it was true I was jealous and hurt, why couldn’t I be that person.
Saturday, 28 May 2011
Monday, 23 May 2011
Fuck superman (Mi's side)
Fuck superman
“You are a super hero, well at least you are to me, so your not bullet proof; theirs no one shooting at me anyway and you haven’t got supper speed; my world goes to fast any how. I don’t suppose you can fly either; I have never been a huge fan of heights. I am assuming that you aren’t a mind reader; you have no idea how glad that makes me, and if you could turn invisible I would just get scared that you were gone. If you could see into the future; I wouldn’t want to know, and super strength is overrated; I have been on the end of too many super strong people. To me you have all of the super hero abilities I would ever want. You are amazingly gentle, and I have been hurt, you have super patients and let’s face it I can be a pain in the rear end. You can see some good in everyone and I have so much bad to see around. You can make me eat and I suppose somewhere deep inside me even though I can’t see it sometimes I know I am far from fat. You are compassionate and it can be hard to show someone like me compassion, you made me trust again and you have never let me down and even though I still hurt my self and even try to kill my self, even though I often feel so helpless there is one tiny spark of invincible hope that no one can put out. So fuck super man, I don’t need him, I just need you”
“You are a super hero, well at least you are to me, so your not bullet proof; theirs no one shooting at me anyway and you haven’t got supper speed; my world goes to fast any how. I don’t suppose you can fly either; I have never been a huge fan of heights. I am assuming that you aren’t a mind reader; you have no idea how glad that makes me, and if you could turn invisible I would just get scared that you were gone. If you could see into the future; I wouldn’t want to know, and super strength is overrated; I have been on the end of too many super strong people. To me you have all of the super hero abilities I would ever want. You are amazingly gentle, and I have been hurt, you have super patients and let’s face it I can be a pain in the rear end. You can see some good in everyone and I have so much bad to see around. You can make me eat and I suppose somewhere deep inside me even though I can’t see it sometimes I know I am far from fat. You are compassionate and it can be hard to show someone like me compassion, you made me trust again and you have never let me down and even though I still hurt my self and even try to kill my self, even though I often feel so helpless there is one tiny spark of invincible hope that no one can put out. So fuck super man, I don’t need him, I just need you”
Advice needed please !!!!!
How did people like Esmee's side of things when i was writing from her POV? i promise not to slip back into it for long but would people like it if time and again i went over to her point's of view so you could see hoe she is holding up or would people prefer for me to stick to Mi's side now and not differ. I have been fighting with my self over this but don't know so thought mayve you would. Advice please!!!!!!
Hero's and Villains (Mi's side)
Hero’s and villains
My mind moved in slow motion as I saw Esmee pull open the door. It must of happened in seconds but my brain turned it into hours. I tried to think of something to say to make her stay but I mostly had to fight with the same urge not to jump off of the bed and try to physically pull her back into the room; if my legs could of managed it I would of, I was prepared to try anything.
“You don’t get to leave!”” I finally shouted the words coming up from somewhere so quickly that I couldn’t stop them. I realised it was a poor argument but it was one, the only one that kept knocking into my head. She didn’t get to save me and then walk away from something I wasn’t aloud to. It was a far to simple thought process to matter in the slightest but for some reason to me it mattered, to me it was at that moment hugely irritating.
“You don’t get to walk away from the shit if I have to stay and live with it. If you where going to give up why did you try and save me, it wasn’t for my benefit surly; I had all ready given up.” I said the strange words tumbling from my mouth even though I tried to choke them back in. The argument was pitiful, there where a million and one batter ways for making her stay.
Esmee hovered at the open door and removed her had from the door handle hovering it jut above and thought. Her hesitation must have been momentary but to me it felt like a long time before she finally sighed heavily loosing some kind of war within her, pressed her eyes shut and closed the door again with her self still inside my room.
“I’m not walking away to give up on you, the only reason I would ever walk away is to save you or make it better for you, I’m not a super hero I’m just a stupid very insignificant human, and as a human sometimes the best thing I can do for someone is to go away. I don’t want to leave Mi I want nothing more then to stay, but if I do and I hurt you that makes me less then human, that make me the villain.”
My mind moved in slow motion as I saw Esmee pull open the door. It must of happened in seconds but my brain turned it into hours. I tried to think of something to say to make her stay but I mostly had to fight with the same urge not to jump off of the bed and try to physically pull her back into the room; if my legs could of managed it I would of, I was prepared to try anything.
“You don’t get to leave!”” I finally shouted the words coming up from somewhere so quickly that I couldn’t stop them. I realised it was a poor argument but it was one, the only one that kept knocking into my head. She didn’t get to save me and then walk away from something I wasn’t aloud to. It was a far to simple thought process to matter in the slightest but for some reason to me it mattered, to me it was at that moment hugely irritating.
“You don’t get to walk away from the shit if I have to stay and live with it. If you where going to give up why did you try and save me, it wasn’t for my benefit surly; I had all ready given up.” I said the strange words tumbling from my mouth even though I tried to choke them back in. The argument was pitiful, there where a million and one batter ways for making her stay.
Esmee hovered at the open door and removed her had from the door handle hovering it jut above and thought. Her hesitation must have been momentary but to me it felt like a long time before she finally sighed heavily loosing some kind of war within her, pressed her eyes shut and closed the door again with her self still inside my room.
“I’m not walking away to give up on you, the only reason I would ever walk away is to save you or make it better for you, I’m not a super hero I’m just a stupid very insignificant human, and as a human sometimes the best thing I can do for someone is to go away. I don’t want to leave Mi I want nothing more then to stay, but if I do and I hurt you that makes me less then human, that make me the villain.”
A little strange request (Sorry no story)
OK so i am mad! Every one knows that by now any way so that statment wont be a huge surprise, any how considering the fact that i am mad that means i can ask strnge questions.
I am looking for songs! So has any one ever read a preticuler chapter from this story, or just the whole story in genral and thought, oh that reminded me of that song, or, oh that song would fit in there great. Or maybe you imagines a certan song playing in the background while you read. If so i need your haelp!
Basicly music and writing are my only two real loves so i decided to combind the two and i have made up a playlist of all of the songs i relate to my story so i cna listen to them when i am writing to gain insperation, or even just listen to when i am reading the story back.
So..... to the point, i am good at babbling, if you have any recamendations for the playlist can you let me know the song name and artist so i can chek them out. I always want new music!
I am looking for songs! So has any one ever read a preticuler chapter from this story, or just the whole story in genral and thought, oh that reminded me of that song, or, oh that song would fit in there great. Or maybe you imagines a certan song playing in the background while you read. If so i need your haelp!
Basicly music and writing are my only two real loves so i decided to combind the two and i have made up a playlist of all of the songs i relate to my story so i cna listen to them when i am writing to gain insperation, or even just listen to when i am reading the story back.
So..... to the point, i am good at babbling, if you have any recamendations for the playlist can you let me know the song name and artist so i can chek them out. I always want new music!
Friday, 20 May 2011
Out the door (Mi's side)
Out the door
I braced my body for the worst and prised my self away from Emmet though the whole of me ached to stay latched onto him so I could soak in his warmth and compassion, it was the only good thing that I felt and I new in seconds it would be gone.
“I’m not going anywhere Mi, I will get off of your bed and let you rest t but I’m not going to shout like your scared I’m going to and I’m not going to walk away.” Emmet said gently sitting up on the edge of the bed leaving me colder then I had prepared my self for; it appeared there was no way I would be able to brace my self for the pain it caused somewhere inside of me.
“This is stupid,” I muttered feebly wrapping my arms around my body in a vain attempt to replicate the security I had felt when he had been holding me still. He had been like a giant armoured shelter wrapped around me that had been impenetrable to the bad things that tried to get themselves in, my self alone against them offered no more protection then a straw house and the bad things had matches.
“Did I let go too soon?” Emmet asked gently smoothing his fingers through my messed up hair. I nodded grabbing hold of the blanket on my bed trying my best to hug it close to me
“The bad things keep coming to get me.” I whispered under my breath squeezing my eyes tightly shut. “The bad feelings that drive me so crazy inside and the hurt, the hurt is so big and it’s never ending it just sits in me forever making every thing so painful.” I whined as my upper body shook violently which made my voice shiver.
“ I know Esmee’s mad with, and she has every right to be, but I know she has felt it before and if she could only remember how much it hurts maybe she would understand why I sometimes feel like I would rather be dead then feel it anymore.” I moaned
“I remember it all to well.” I opened my eyes with a start to see Esmee stood just inside the door, for some reason I expected her to look different, harsher, meaner, with the same red eyes that scared me so much but she didn’t she was the same as I always remembered her which only made it harder for me to restrain my self and not climber off of the bed towards her again so I could hold onto her before she disappeared in front of me if only just to apologize to her; she may never be able to forgive me but she had to know I was sorry.
“Mi, I am so sorry, I promised you I would never hurt you on purpose and I just did and that is completely unacceptable. I understand if you don’t want me to be here any more and I can sign off as your primary nurse at the unit. I should not of done what I did and I don’t expect you to forgive me hell if I was you I wouldn’t but I wanted you to know I was sorry OK honey.” Esmee said smiling though her own falling tears before she turned towards the door and pulled down then handle to walk out of my crumbling life forever.
I braced my body for the worst and prised my self away from Emmet though the whole of me ached to stay latched onto him so I could soak in his warmth and compassion, it was the only good thing that I felt and I new in seconds it would be gone.
“I’m not going anywhere Mi, I will get off of your bed and let you rest t but I’m not going to shout like your scared I’m going to and I’m not going to walk away.” Emmet said gently sitting up on the edge of the bed leaving me colder then I had prepared my self for; it appeared there was no way I would be able to brace my self for the pain it caused somewhere inside of me.
“This is stupid,” I muttered feebly wrapping my arms around my body in a vain attempt to replicate the security I had felt when he had been holding me still. He had been like a giant armoured shelter wrapped around me that had been impenetrable to the bad things that tried to get themselves in, my self alone against them offered no more protection then a straw house and the bad things had matches.
“Did I let go too soon?” Emmet asked gently smoothing his fingers through my messed up hair. I nodded grabbing hold of the blanket on my bed trying my best to hug it close to me
“The bad things keep coming to get me.” I whispered under my breath squeezing my eyes tightly shut. “The bad feelings that drive me so crazy inside and the hurt, the hurt is so big and it’s never ending it just sits in me forever making every thing so painful.” I whined as my upper body shook violently which made my voice shiver.
“ I know Esmee’s mad with, and she has every right to be, but I know she has felt it before and if she could only remember how much it hurts maybe she would understand why I sometimes feel like I would rather be dead then feel it anymore.” I moaned
“I remember it all to well.” I opened my eyes with a start to see Esmee stood just inside the door, for some reason I expected her to look different, harsher, meaner, with the same red eyes that scared me so much but she didn’t she was the same as I always remembered her which only made it harder for me to restrain my self and not climber off of the bed towards her again so I could hold onto her before she disappeared in front of me if only just to apologize to her; she may never be able to forgive me but she had to know I was sorry.
“Mi, I am so sorry, I promised you I would never hurt you on purpose and I just did and that is completely unacceptable. I understand if you don’t want me to be here any more and I can sign off as your primary nurse at the unit. I should not of done what I did and I don’t expect you to forgive me hell if I was you I wouldn’t but I wanted you to know I was sorry OK honey.” Esmee said smiling though her own falling tears before she turned towards the door and pulled down then handle to walk out of my crumbling life forever.
Thursday, 19 May 2011
It doesn't matter so i will be honest (Mi's side)
It doesn’t matter so I will be honest
I cried for what felt like a long time locked up safe in the relative security of Emmet’s arms and I was acutely surprised when I stopped, I was sure I would cry forever or at least scream out for her but I had been sure of that before and as with everything ready or not, the outward show of pain stopped leaving the ach inside.
“Please don’t let go,” I whispered knowing that Emmet would remove him self from the bed now my crying had gone but I didn’t want him to let me go, I may have looked better but inside I was still screaming.
“ok, tell me when you feel like you can manage on your own then I will let you go.” Emmet said softly adjusting his arms around me. With out thinking I wrapped my arms around one of his and held on tight two gentle tears falling out of my eyes and splashing onto his hands
“Can I talk to you?” I asked gently closing my eyes against my surroundings so o couldn’t see them.
“Of course you can honey, you know that.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt anyone when I cut my self in the bath I didn’t really even mean to kill myself either, I was killing something else, something deeper.” I moaned resting my head on top of Emmet’s arm while holding on tighter to him.
“I know Sophie’s bad she represents everything that is wrong with the world and it feels like I could make it better if I could only get rid of her, so that’s what I was doing, I was killing her not myself but I had to go with her because she lived inside me and I know now that I’m still here so she is too and it will be days before she is talking at me again or dancing around me in the mirror telling me that I am fat and stupid and this may sound nasty and horrible and completely self centred but I don’t think I can do it again, and this is going to make you shout at me like your wife just did but I have lost everything any way so it doesn’t matter so I will be honest. With you Emmet. I wish I was dead, I didn’t want to be saved so maybe she was right, maybe I am evil and maybe you should walk away and lat me finish what I started.”
I cried for what felt like a long time locked up safe in the relative security of Emmet’s arms and I was acutely surprised when I stopped, I was sure I would cry forever or at least scream out for her but I had been sure of that before and as with everything ready or not, the outward show of pain stopped leaving the ach inside.
“Please don’t let go,” I whispered knowing that Emmet would remove him self from the bed now my crying had gone but I didn’t want him to let me go, I may have looked better but inside I was still screaming.
“ok, tell me when you feel like you can manage on your own then I will let you go.” Emmet said softly adjusting his arms around me. With out thinking I wrapped my arms around one of his and held on tight two gentle tears falling out of my eyes and splashing onto his hands
“Can I talk to you?” I asked gently closing my eyes against my surroundings so o couldn’t see them.
“Of course you can honey, you know that.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt anyone when I cut my self in the bath I didn’t really even mean to kill myself either, I was killing something else, something deeper.” I moaned resting my head on top of Emmet’s arm while holding on tighter to him.
“I know Sophie’s bad she represents everything that is wrong with the world and it feels like I could make it better if I could only get rid of her, so that’s what I was doing, I was killing her not myself but I had to go with her because she lived inside me and I know now that I’m still here so she is too and it will be days before she is talking at me again or dancing around me in the mirror telling me that I am fat and stupid and this may sound nasty and horrible and completely self centred but I don’t think I can do it again, and this is going to make you shout at me like your wife just did but I have lost everything any way so it doesn’t matter so I will be honest. With you Emmet. I wish I was dead, I didn’t want to be saved so maybe she was right, maybe I am evil and maybe you should walk away and lat me finish what I started.”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)