All because of you (Mi's side)

Possably a mild trigger warning belongs here but i'm not sure either way if you are feeling praticully vunrable stay safe and don't read
All because of you“Mi, come on up you get no time to have a nap.” Esmee said gently lifting my upper body slightly up off of the bed so the world span back into focus as quick as it span out. “I can’t believe that you fainted.” Esmee laughed gently even though I could see the tears glisten once again glisten over her deep velvet black eyes; how I hated those tears.

“I’m sorry I thought you said you where going to foster me,” I laughed realising how I must of misheard the words that made me faint after all there was no way it could ever happen, Esmee and Emmet wouldn’t foster someone like me it was so stupid, they would foster the deserving children, the ones who where whole and loving and had done nothing wrong; in short they would foster anyone apart from me.

“”I did,” Esmee whispered gently two tears slipping out of her eyes which she wiped away with the side of her hands, “we’re going to take you home.”

“Don’t be stupid Esmee you can’t foster me I mean why the hell would you want to,” I spluttered trying to drag my body to an upright position but failing as the still lingering sedative drew my body back to the bed. “I mean I ruin everything and everyone that I touch and you want to bring me into your home with your daughter why would you do that to her; to your self’s? There again you are crying, oh hell they didn’t force you to have me did they? If so it‘s ok I can kick up a fuss, tell them I don‘t want to go with you.” I panted a little out of breath from trying to get put what I wanted to safe as fast as I could so the words didn’t tangle in my head, So I didn’t allow the tiny bubble of joy inside me explode from the news because no matter how I wanted what she said to be true, no matter how much I wanted to be there with them; in new it was impossible.

“You will do no such thing, they never force us to take on children Mi, they ask us they have even been known to beg us but we can always say no and we have before, though sometime we wished we never did. I am crying because I’m happy it’s what we wanted to have you with us, when your ready of course, which obviously isn’t yet and it won’t be until stop trying to kill your self. You need to be ready to live with a family, in a house with no alarms of ECA’S or observations because even though Emmet and myself work in a hospital our house isn’t one and we wouldn’t want it to be, we want it to be your home; a safe home for you.”

“I can’t stop though.” I blurted out trying to force the bubble of hope not to explode inside of me because it seemed that for some strange reason Esmee and Emmet actually wanted me there but I new hope was dangerous and happiness foolish because both cut better then any knife when they where ripped to pieces.

“It’s not something I can just stop doing Esmee.” I said lowering my voice to a normal speaking tone, “even if you really did want me to come and live with you, self harm for a long time has controlled me.” I admitted even though I didn’t want to. Self harm had always been about control for me, about something that was of all my own doing and it had worked for a while, I controlled the weapon, the place, the time, the severity and everything else in between but it hadn’t lasted, and before long I could feel it taking me over, removing a little bit more of the grasp I had over it day by day until one day I figured it out that I had actually just become a slave to another monster.

“I didn’t say you had to stop self harming Mi, that will come but that will take a long time what I said is you need to stop trying to kill your self and that is something very different.” Esmee said softly her eyes clouding over somewhat as she remembered some distant memory that I wasn’t aware of, all I new was what ever it was hurt her somewhere deep down in the core of her.

“What is it?” I asked gently touching her arm to try and pull her out of the nightmare she had fallen backwards into; whatever it was or when ever she was it was somewhere I would have crossed a million suns to stop her feeling it again.

“Would you like me to talk as your nurse or your sister?” Esmee asked as her eyes focused and became there normal dark onyx self’s again.

“Your sister; I like you as my sister.” I confirmed snuggling my body down close next to Esmee’s again, my arm wrapped over her tummy.

“Then my answer is it’s because of you, the same nightmare, the same recurring flash back has kept knocking me off of my feet lately and it’s all because of you.”

New mum (Mi's side)

New mum

“I’m both Mi, I work there and you are a patient there that makes me a nurse.”

“That makes you better then me.”

“I didn’t say that, and I have never thought that either Mi” Esmee said sounding hurt at my last comment. I hadn’t meant it to be a jibe at her I simply thought it was plane conmen knowledge that she was better then me in every way possible.

“I didn’t say it to upset you Esmee, or to hurt you I just know you are and you are a grown woman and grown married amazing women don’t spend all that much time with there sisters especially ones they didn’t know they had for over twenty years of there life’s. I guess what I am saying is no matter what blood says if you don’t want to you doing have to be my sister.” I said gently the tears crashing down over my eyes again as I anticipated Esmee running for the door after I had granted her freedom, I mean why would she stay now she had no obligation to.

“I’m not going to be anywhere and I am not going to be one of those distant sisters I just can’t be. I love you and I know you won’t believe me because you don’t love your self but I do and I al going to be sticking around.” Esmee smiled leaning into me and kissing me on the top of the head before adding “weather you like it or not,” in a giggle.

“What about after I am discharged, they won’t keep me there forever.”

“Ahhh yeah about that I have some news, I think you might like it as well. I spent the majority of last week doing paper work.”

“Well congratulations, you finally caught up with it then.”

“Don’t be cheeky madam and no I very much doubt I will ever be able to catch up with the mound I have to do however I actually liked these forms, they made something official that Emmet and ,y self have been working towards for ages.” Esmee said a wide smile spreading over her face as she propped her self up on one arm so she could look at me clearer.

“What do you know Esmee? You’re making me uneasy.” I said suspiciously as her smile grew lager across her face until she practically laughed.

“You my dear are looking at your new foster mother.”

My weakest point (Emmet's side)

My weakest point
Red rage filled every pore of my body and every tiny space in the room as my hands shook vigorously form inside my pockets and the bile bubbled just at the back of my throat also before I could even stop to comprehend what I was doing an almost feral growl rumbled in the back of my mouth before escaping through my mouth. Crystal could have said what she wanted about me but she brought in something more precious to me then anything else in the universe and insulted it to my face and never in my entire life had I wanted to punch someone as much as I wanted to knock her face half way into next year.

“Never. Insult. My wife.” I growled while biting down on my bottom lip until blood filled up inside my mouth which I swallowed down with a grimace

“Did I touch a nerve?” Crystal smiled, “Shame.”

“Your shift is over Crystal. You may leave.” I growled again my whole body trembling.

“Oh I’m leaving; I can’t stand to look at either of your faces for more then a few seconds without wanting to vomit.” Crystal sneered before walking past me at which point I grabbed both her wrist and effortlessly twirled her around so she was sandwiched between the wall and my self and for the first time the sneer on her face turned to one of horror as she looked up into my eyes.

“Let me go, this will cost you your job!” Crystal spat

“ I haven’t actually hurt you and I never would I just thought you should know what it felt like to be bullied and scares Crystal, I mean you no harm.“ I said gently letting go of her hands and stepping back two spaces so she could get past me.

“You wait until I tell my husband!” \Crystal snarled at me as she brushed her self off and continued walking to the door.

“You think I am scared of Jacob!” I laughed “he is just a little bully too.”

“Then maybe we should pick on your weakest point; Esmee” Crystal laughed her lips in her trade mark crule before she flicked her hair back over her shoulder and walked away laughing while I sunk into the nearest arm chair; the colour draining from my face.

Insulting an angel (Emmets side)

Insulting an angel

“You did the right thing Emmet.” Crystal said to me as I kicked the back of a chair in my anger at what I had just aloud to happen before I raised my head up to glare at her,

“What?” She questioned innocently as my furious eyes set onto hers and her cruel smile, “You think this is my fault Emmet? Hell I thought she was going to attack me you didn’t see the look in her eyes down there, all I asked her to do was drink the damn Ensure and she went all possessed on me.” Crystal snapped as she pulled her fingers through her tangled blond hair moaning about something I couldn’t quite make out under her breath.

“Hell any one would think I was trying to make her drink poison.”

“In her mind Crystal it felt like you where!” I snapped pushing my hands deep into my jeans pockets so I wouldn’t hit the wall that I stood next to, “she has an eating disorder Crystal, her head is so messed up right now she doesn’t know what is right for her! Hell you would never guess it with her being in an acute inpatients unit or anything but she is acutely unwell!” I hissed though clenched teeth.

“I should of none you would have that view on things and be totally unreasonable!” Crystal snapped her eyes throwing fire out of them, “I would never imagined you being so soft with the size of you but hay I doubt it is your fault really with a wife like Esmee on at you all the time I mean she is more then a freak then you are when it comes to caring for all the hapless cases in this place!”

ECA removals (Emmet's side)

ECA removals

With tears in my eyes that I pushed down I crouched down into position and watched as Crystal forcibly moved Mi around to face her and started the count down for are lift.

At three crystal moved Mi into the right position and I lifted her restrained legs into the air so she was face down in a horizontal position. The scream that blasted form her mouth was worse then I had been expecting; after a while you got immune to certain screaming when you worked in the unit but the noise was something I head never heard before; but it was horrendous. To Mi she was screaming very loudly, louder then she had screamed in a log time but it was the soft muted quality about it that made it so haunting, it was like she new no one was going to help her but she couldn’t stop the fear she felt from exploding out of it’s confines

“Mi; it’s OK, it’s going to be OK we are all here and no one is going to hurt you and it will be over soon, just hold on a bit longer and it will be OK.” I babbled desperate for the ghost scream to stop ringing in my ears as we made are way down the hall way past the faces of the other clients who new that this was something that was on the cards for any of them if it was needed or apparently even if it wasn’t needed if Crystal had anything to do with it.

“Emmet what the hell!” I heard Bella shout as we past her at the bottom of the stairs her eyes wide with disbelief at what she was seeing, of course I was almost as astonished by what we where doing as she was so I could give her no answer so settled for putting on my official voice and telling her I would talk to her later.

After picking up Alice and, Erin and Josh at various points through the awkward journey we finally managed to make it to the ECA where Alice swiped her card Key and pushed open the heavy doors to the room where she recoiled slightly at the heat and stale smell that hit her in the face before pushing on inside and helping us lay Mi’s screaming body down to the floor on her front.

“Here we go Mi, it’s all over now.” I tried to sooth before Crystal cut me of with a snap and began the countdown for the drop and run which I would have no choice to be apart of even though I wanted nothing more then to stay in the padded prison with her and provide the reassurance she so desperately needed from someone however as always protocol smashed me in the face and as shouted three I bounded up from my position and bounded out the ECA door with the rest of them letting the door close with a click to imprison nothing more then a frightened little baby

Part of the family (Mi's side)

Part of the family

Acting on instinct rather then my last ounce of common sense that hadn’t been drugged out of me by the powerful sedatives that they kept putting into my skin I leapt forward from the bed and wrapped my arms around Esmee almost pulling her on top of me in the process.

“You left me!” I sobbed, the screaming becoming wet as the tears crashed out of my eyes in a mixture of anger and relief. “You left me!”

“I know, I know I’m sorry, but I’m here now, I’m here.” Esmee soothed gently in a hushed tone as she lowered my body back down to the bed before lying hers down beside mine but I still refused to let go of my grip on her knowing that if this was the last time I got to hold her or got to see her I wanted to remember every little bit of how she felt, I wanted to remember the settling comfort it cast upon me because if I could just hold onto that forever with the help of powerful sedatives I could barley survive the rest of my life.

“I was always coming back Mi,” Esmee said gently leaning forward and kissing me on the top of the head allowing her beautiful velvet strawberry scented hair cascade around my face making another memory that I tried to cling to in my head, “I just needed time, I was struggling and you saw that Mi, I needed help and I was ashamed.”

“What did you think I was going to do Esmee judge you, shout at you? I could really do that and not be a hypercrit couldn’t I.” I said duly glancing down at my own bandaged wrists under which my own stitches lay in neat rolls pulling together the arteries and skin which I had cut apart allowing my own blood to flow.

“Mi I knew you wouldn’t judge me but I was judging my self for allowing you to see that, I am the nurse Mi we are trained to be indestructible and calm under pressure not mentally ill our self’s in short I am meant to protect you.”

“all that has changed though Esmee.” I moaned trying to wind my self closer to her while nestling my face in under her neck so I could keep breathing in her scent, “your not my nurse any more; your family.”

my sister returning (Mi's side)

My sister returning

Mi

The same swirling started again pressing behind my eyes as the easy hours of sleep slipped away again forcing my head back into the curliness of reality but I new how to make the pain go away and with out even thinking about it too much I opened my mouth and began to scream hoping that the nurse wouldn’t take to long with her needle where liquid piece laid.

“Mi, mi stop screaming honey, stop screaming.” An echoed voice that seemed slightly familiar soothed somewhere in the background of my head but it made no difference to me what nurse was trying to talk me down from my noisy protest, there was only two voices; two faces that would make the screaming become redundant, would make all the horror and the pain go away so I could cope with the waking world and they where never there any more and I new they where never going to come back. I didn’t know how much time had passed since my screaming cycle of existence began it could have been hours or it could have been weeks, months, years but still that pain and fear remained the same along with the need for the screaming.

“Mi open your eyes and look at me, I am here, I am here.” the same voice said again before a hand locked it’s self around mine tightly and fingers started smoothing through my hair like a strange memory of what I used to know; a strange brief moment in my life where I had felt love and compassion from someone; a strange fleeting time when I had gained a sister again.

“It’s Esmee Mi, it’s Esmee I am here talk to me baby, stop screaming and talk to me.”

I heard what they lady said but I was reluctant to stop the screaming just in case it wasn’t the Esmee I screamed for, just in case the ghostly memory of her touch was exactly that; a memory and she wasn’t there at all. I knew I couldn’t cope with opening my eyes to find an empty space so I carried on screaming waiting of the nurse to tell me she was injecting the sedative and for the reality to fade into dreams again.

“Mi please stop screaming honey, I’m right here and going to keep you safe, no ones going to hurt you I promise.” the voice said again before I felt the arms around me; the undeniable arms of my sister returning to me and I opened my eyes just the slightest little bit to see if I could see Esmee around the edges of my swirling vision while breathing in to try and catch the scent of her strawberry hair. Both of which where there.