Daemons of her dreams.
Esmee
Mi never slept well. I had watched her many times before either when she was in hospital or on red observations and her sleep was always interrupted with invisible monsters unless she was sedated. I had told Dr Jordan about my concerns about the lack of quality sleep she actually got and he had prescribed Zlopiclon. It helped but it didn’t cure the problem Therapy was the only thing that could do that but at the moment she was deemed to sick to gain anything from it. I had argued that with out it she didn’t have a hope; he argued that therapy wasn’t cheap and he would not suggest a treatment that would not work. He said that Mi didn’t want to get better and shut the door on my face but I new he was wrong. Mi did not want to be sick; she just didn’t have a clue how to get better and there was a pill that would have made it all go away she wouldn’t be able to take it because she was just too tired to do so.
I wished there was something I could do as I watched the same expression cross over her face as the beads of cold sweet gather other her fore head as the daemons of her dreams took her away from the place where she was safe. I had told her that I would be there to fight them away but I would have to wait for her to wake up screaming before I could do that as there was no way I could get into her dreams to help her.
“It’s all right, I’m right here and you’re safe.” I soothed gently holding on to her hand but the comfort was more for my benefit then for hers. I new she was too far away in her nightmare for her to be able to here it but I could not just it there and watch without doing something or I would have lost my mind to.
I had always felt something different about Mi since the days she walked into the unit, a fierce protective streak that I had never felt over the other patients. I had always tried to be kind, caring and understanding to everyone but Mi had almost set off my motherly instinct I had never known why but now it almost made sense; like I Had known somewhere deep within me that she was an actual part of who I was and now I new for sure that she was my baby sister my compassion for her was in a constant overdrive which made the task of watching her in a scary place all alone make me want to cry however I knew I was going to have to get on with it because soon she would be living in my house where she would be Emmet and my self’s soul responsibility. They could keep her in the unit until she was 18 if they wanted to then of course she would not be leaving into foster care but I knew even if she didn’t her days in apple gate house where numbered mostly due to expense then progress, people weren’t kept there long without good reason and Dr Jordan had all ready written her off as a hopeless case to my face.
“Esmee you can’t win them all.” he had said to me smiling as he had put a hand on my shoulder, “Some are too far gone, you know as well as I do that Mia is to determined to end her life for any of us to stop her, it’s just a matter of time before she kills her self.” I had almost thrown something at him for giving in it was his job nit to give up on anybody but he had so it looked like I was going to have to save her alone, when I was growing up I had always wanted a sister; now I had one I would not lose her. The problem was I just didn’t know where the hell to start. I seemed like it was going to take some sort of magic to help her, some divine miracle but even though I new it existed as it walked into my life in the shape of Emmet she did not and even when she had felt it In the shape of Connor she refused to believe that it could actually happen to her.
Scaring nightmares
Esmee and my self talked for about fifteen more minutes both putting up convincing arguments for love until my head started spinning with tiredness and I could fight my corner no more so I backed down instead.
“You look exhausted.” Esmee commented as my shoulders drooped forward and I closed my eyes unable to keep them open any longer. “Come on, lie down.” She instructed getting off of the bed so I could shimmer my body down so I was lying flat.
“It’s been a hard day and your still recovering, you need lots of rest so you can heal properly, now close your eyes and get some sleep.”
“The nightmares will only get me any way,” I moaned even though I could feel sleep taking over me.
“Well if they do I’m going too be right here to scare them away.” Esmee smiled taking hold of her hand in mine as she started to sing her usual lullaby under her breath. Before the end of the first couple of line I had drifted off into a peaceful sleep.”
Smoke and mirrors
“Well that seemed intense,” Esmee commented after I led her back to my room and gestured for her to make her self at home which she would have done any way. It seemed so strange that dream had now become my sanctuary where as when I had first arrived it had been my cell. Esmee and Emmet had made it look truly beautiful when they had put all my pictures up and ever since then even though it still screamed NHS in its own way it didn’t matter; it was the best I ever had.
“It was.” I confirmed trying not to look at Esmee even though she was now staring at me with an intent curiosity burning somewhere inside of her.
“You know technically it is against the rules don’t you, for you to have a relationship with Connor” Esmee said even though her face was a warm smile, “However we don’t chose who we fall in love with, sometimes it just happens.”
“Love!” I laughed “People don’t just fall in love Esmee, it was just a stupid kiss and I won’t be doing it again any time soon.” I jibbed verbally poking my self closer and closer to a very flimsy edge that I had always hung so close to. That kiss had been magic and if she had asked me a few seconds after it I would have told her it was unmistakably and unarguably love that had fuelled it but now several minutes had passed it seemed more likely that it was teenage hormones. No one could ever love me and because of that very thought, the thought that I might not ever experience the touch of his lips against mine again I wanted to throw my self off of the edge that was inside my mind.
“People do just fall in love, they really do. Sometimes it is built and made over moths and years and sometimes it is just like magic and you fall in it; like destiny has sent two people crashing into each other.” Esmee smiled warmly her cheeks blushing the perfect shade of red.
“Hopeless romantic,” I moaned
“Maybe your right but that is something I am proud of because at the base of it lies Emmet. We have lived though love at first sight Mi. He found me, he found me when I was broken, he found me on a quite street in the gutter and he could have been any where in the world, or he could of walked right past. His collage class might not have been cancelled or he might have chosen another street to walk up but he didn’t and he found me and he loved me instantly and I loved him. It was like gravity had been pulling us together, knowing that we belonged with each other. I believe in love Mi and I believe in all of its power because I am one of its people; I am one of the people it has changes.”
“It was just a kiss, he wont even remember it tomorrow and neither will I.” I lied truing to get Esmee to stop acting so dreamy. I loved the fact that she was in love and I loved the fact she was in love with Emmet but in a way she was so blinded by it she could make everything a fairy tale. However much that kiss had felt like it had been out of a story book it had not been, if love destiny existed like Esmee said, it existed for the good and I was bad to the bone.
“Ok, but is that what it felt like to you Mi; like nothing?”
I sighed heavily with a pout on my face before answering, “Magic, it felt like magic, it felt like fireworks and I have never felt that way before.”
“So if it felt that good Mi, why do you think it’s nothing?” Esmee asked gently taking one of my hands into hers,
“Because magic is nothing but smoke and mirrors.”
Reaction
If I had not been on red observations, or if I was a fast sprinter I would have probably tried to have made the same exit as Conner just had however I was now sandwiched in between Edward who was behind me at one end of the corridor and Esmee who was at the other in front of me now staring at me with big eyes and a slightly open mouth so escape with out an entourage seemed unlikely.
“Well I can’t remember Dr. Jordan prescribing that.” Esmee smiled finally finding the power of speech and movement again as she walked towards my slightly trembling body. I knew what I had just done was intense and insane but I couldn’t bring my self to regret it for in the few moments when Conner and my self’s lips touched I had never felt more alive or more whole. For the first time I had felt pretty and sexy and completely wanted, for the first time I had found someone who fit beside me perfectly
“I’m on your observations for the next hour and it appears the I have left you side for just over three hours and I come back and your snogging the face off of another client, I think we have a lot to talk about; so your room or the nurses station?”
A cold shower
I did not know what Conner was doing but very slowly he reached out and pulled my face up to look into his. His skin felt like the finest silk against mine and his eyes were even more glorious then they had been before as I stared up into them in awe, it looked like whole galaxies could have been lost in there. They were old eyes, very old eyes aged far beyond his years but it didn’t matter what horrors they held; in that respect it would have been like looking into a mirror.
With a small smile he bent his head in closer to mine until his was so close I could feel his warm breath on my face and then are lips were touching I parted my lips slightly as he did his and his teeth softly brushed against my bottom lip and I took the kiss deeper.
The feeling was amazing; glorious and passionate and in a heart beat I knew this is what my whole life had been waiting for. Nothing had ever felt as good as his warm soft lips did against mine, noting had ever made me feel like my whole body was floating before but there I was as light as a feather my soul lifting up somewhere inside of me and I wanted more. Acting more on pure instinct and pleasure I stepped closer to him pressing self up close to his body wrapping my arms around his body and lacing the fingers on one of my hands though his messy brown hair and the other clenching hard into his black tee shirt trying to pull my self deeper and deeper into him.
I never knew such joy existed until that moment I had never felt such intense pleasure surging around my body and I didn’t want it to ever end but too soon I felt Connors grip release me and we parted both taking a step back just staring at each other are chests rising and falling in deep breathing each of us as shocked as the other at what had just happened, each of us wanting to do it again and again, each of us wanting to take it further, deeper.
“If we weren’t in the loony bin I would invite you back to my room,” Conner finally said breathlessly his mouth stretched into the biggest smile I had ever seen on his face making him absolutely sunning to behold.
“However, I think Edward and Esmee might have something to say about it so I will settle for a cold shower.” He whispered, bending in close to my ear making a shiver of pleasure vibrate down my spine before with a quick kiss on the fore head he blushed a deep red and ran up the corridor to the stairs taking them two at a time.
I'm sorry it has been so long since i updated, a mixture of writers block and a small addiction to playing the Sims 3 (Probably shouldn't of admitted that) anyhow enjoy!!
A new feeling
Realising what Conner had said I got to my feet forgetting the fact that I had been pretending to be asleep and ran out the door after him into the corridor.
“Wow Mi wait up red observations remember!” Edward shouted scrambling to his feet to run after me,
“I’m not doing anything Edward I just have to see him, just catch me up!” I yelled running up the corridor and grabbing Conner by the arm making him spin round to look at me.
“Are you mad Conner?” I asked laughing in a confused way shaking my head,
“Well, obviously.” Conner laughed gesturing around him to the scenery of the mental hospital that we both called home for one reason or another. “None of us are here because we are sane are we?
“Yes well no, well yes, well! Oh hell that isn’t what I meant!” I shouted throwing my hands up into the air in my frustration before slamming my hands down against my legs; why did everything always have to be complicated.
“What I mean,” I said taking a deep breath to try and centre my floating brain “What I mean is you…you said… I was beautiful.” I stuttered looking down at the floor unable to look up into his milk chocolate brown eyes that had always held me there before. “You said I was too good for you. That is what makes you insane because that isn’t right I’m not good enough for anyone Conner and I’m really not beautiful.”
“You are the most beautiful thing I have ever set my eyes on.” Conner admitted looking down at the floor as I looked up to see him; are eyes skimming over each others “The most stunning amazing person and I have always felt it ever since I set my eyes on you, but I have never been able to tell you, I mean how can I when you are so amazing and I am just…well, me.
“I think you’re amazing too.” I said slowly the same fluttering feeling taking over my chest as it always had done when he had looked at me before. I had always put it down to the fact that I thought he wanted to kill me but now I understood it more; it was because he stirred something deep within me; something that I had never felt; something that I just couldn’t understand but before I knew it, it was being explained to me.
Too good for me.
Time I got back to my room someone had made it look like it had never been touched which I thought must have been Ava with the help of Edward. They would have been the only two besides Emmet and Esmee who would have been nice enough to do it. Some things had been taken away but most stuff remained now it had been fully searched for weapons that I may have got my hands on. I wonder what they would have done if they realised who had actually given me that blade with out meaning to; I wondered if doctor Jordan even cared.
I didn’t know how doctor Jordan had become like he had for he also wore the battle scars of his past as a badge on his arms but he had either forgotten the pain or blocked it out or at the very least got angry at it. Had someone been so mean to him before that he had just become the monster so the monster couldn’t brake him. It seemed to me the bullied and the hurt either became bullies or therapist depending on weather they decided to get better or get even. Esmee had chosen to get better, something in me said that Dr. Jordan was trying to get even.
Longing for some room to breath I lied down on my bed and closed my eyes trying to block out the fact that Edward hovered by my side for a few moment before taking a seat with his back against the wall.
“Is she sleeping Edward?” I heard someone ask that I did not recognize. I had at one point or another I heard all the staff talking but this was so unique that I was sure it was a new one so I could only assume it was either a agency staff member or someone new that I hadn’t meat since I was in the hospital. Which ever one it was there was something compelling about the voice. It was harsher then Emmet’s but it had the same sincerity behind it all the same. It was rough but smooth; strong yet subtle. Beautiful yet completely frustrating.
“I think so, she has had a long day.” Edward responded.
“Is she OK though, I mean she isn’t sick any more is she? I didn’t like seeing her like that.”
“She is recovered now. Where you wanting someone to talk to Connor?
“No, it’s OK and I’m sorry, I will go, I just needed to see her now she is better, I haven’t been able to get the other image of her out of my head, it had seemed so imposable that she could survive seeing her back when she was pulled out the bath. I just wanted to check that she was still Mi.” I almost opened my Eyes when Edward had said that the voice belonged to Connor. It suddenly made sense that his voice would have been as intense as his eyes but why did he sound so sad when he talked about that night, he barley new me and every time are paths had crossed he had just spent all his time staring at me like he was trying to test out the theory if looks could really kill.
“She Looks a lot better now Connor. Would you like to come in and see her if it will make you feel better?” Edward asked “It’s OK I’m letting you in.” I took all my effort not to shoot up in bed and announce that I was awake but something in me wanted to keep on hearing Connor speak. I had been trying to figure him out for so long and right then I had a chance to.
“She is so beautiful.” Connor whispered “So stunningly beautiful, why does she keep trying to kill her self Edward? Why does she starve her self and cut her self? I am sorry but I don’t understand?”
“I don’t know Connor, no one does but that is why she is here. I didn’t realise you two where friends though.”
“We’re not, We’ve never even talked.”
“Then maybe you should, she could do with a good friend by her side. She feels very alone sometimes.”
“Don’t be silly Edward,” Conner said laughing bitterly at the apparent idiocy of Edwards suggestion. “she is far too good for me.”
