Redeemed by a toddler
The panic attack did not help me run and twice I landed in a heap on the floor as my hyperventilation made me dizzy, both times helpful passers by tried to stop and help but I had all ready got to my feet and ran past them before they could offer any real help.
I had briefly thought about stopping one of the station guards and telling them that my husband had threatened to jump but numerous things stopped me. The first one and the most prominent being the state I was in; I was hot and red in the face, my hair was a tangled mess of sweat and vomit. There where vomit stains down my top and legs and somewhere in the middle of the shear panic, the intense fear and hyperventilation I think I had managed to wet myself so instead of getting any help from the guards I was more likely to get arrested for being drunk and incapable and there was no time to spare.
As I reached platform one a train whooshed past the station with out even slowing slightly as I stared at it in horror while still running settling for shouting his name and screaming somewhere in between trying to pant out of my squeezed shut lungs. If he had been under there, there would have been nothing left of him, his body decapitated into bits and somehow I managed to push harder until I reached the edge of the platform searching for blood; there would have been blood if he had gone, that is all there would have been.
Realising that there was indeed a lack of blood, the train had not hit it’s emergency brake and there was no one screaming on the platform my heart leapt as I realised I had been redeemed; I had another chance to find him and I started running again pushing hard to try and get to the next platform while glancing up looking up to try and find some inspiration and that was when I saw him leaning against the railings of the bridge that went over the train track, his face contorted in a bitter sadness, but why hadn’t he jumped in front of the last train? Had he decided better? Was he going to think about it some more? However my hopes that he had reconsidered where dashed as he I saw the toddler peeping though the railings in awe at the train track underneath. That was why he hadn’t jumped; because that little tiny defensive toddler would have been left with the scars forever and even in death Emmet would have been haunted by it. He could have jumped in front of any of the other thousands of people in that train station but at heart he was a farther above it all and in that baby’s face he had seen his daughters, However, the father was now tugging on the little boys hand to make him walk away and in the distance I could here the rumbling of another speeding train.
Monday, 31 October 2011
Sunday, 30 October 2011
(Esmee) His murder (Mi's sdie)
His murder
With a distinct disregard for my life and everyone else’s I leapt over to the driver’s seat and swore loudly as I tried to move the seat so I could actually touch the pedals with my extremely short legs. Eventually the seat slammed forward and with out bothering to adjust the steering weal or mirrors I turned on the engine and slammed my foot down on the accelerator ignoring the forty speed limits and reaching sixty in the space of a few seconds.
I had to find him that was all I knew. I had to be in time to save him or we where both going to end up six-foot under together in a shared grave. He had chosen not to live without me and even though it would involve making our daughter an orphan I could see no way of even trying to go on without him.
I had no idea where he was going to go but I was heading for the train station. He said he was going to do something final and this was about as final as you could get. He had been an A&E nurse to long to consider any sort of overdose and even with the deepest cuts there was a chance the blood could clot before it killed you. Hanging would work but it would mean it would have to somewhere private and he would never risk anyone he loved finding him like that and jumping from high things wasn’t actually as reliable as it sounded which he also new witch left trains; trains always worked with out fail, no exceptions
I swerved into a lay-by at the corner of the street and vomited over my self again before I had chance to open the plastic bag I had been trying to puke into. I had not wanted to stop driving but new there was no way I could vomit and drive at the same time so had wasted valuable moments while I let my emotions get the better of me but as soon as I could I slammed the car back in gear and started up the road again heading desperately for the train station car park.
It felt like the drive had took hours but finally I managed to swing into the train station car park and leapt out of the car not bothering to lock the door before Sprinted faster then I had ever ran before into the busy train station before stopping abruptly in the entrance in a mixture of pure disbelief and extreme fear and for a moment I felt so dizzy I was sure I was going to pass out where I stood. I had forgotten how big the train station actually was; finding Emmet here would be like trying to find a needle in a haystack
I started sobbing loudly then like a lost child my whole chest straining in the pure devastation of my tears my whole body balancing somewhere in between puking, fainting, or peeing my self. There was no way I was going to find him in time and he was going to kill him self; I was going to be his murderer.
With a distinct disregard for my life and everyone else’s I leapt over to the driver’s seat and swore loudly as I tried to move the seat so I could actually touch the pedals with my extremely short legs. Eventually the seat slammed forward and with out bothering to adjust the steering weal or mirrors I turned on the engine and slammed my foot down on the accelerator ignoring the forty speed limits and reaching sixty in the space of a few seconds.
I had to find him that was all I knew. I had to be in time to save him or we where both going to end up six-foot under together in a shared grave. He had chosen not to live without me and even though it would involve making our daughter an orphan I could see no way of even trying to go on without him.
I had no idea where he was going to go but I was heading for the train station. He said he was going to do something final and this was about as final as you could get. He had been an A&E nurse to long to consider any sort of overdose and even with the deepest cuts there was a chance the blood could clot before it killed you. Hanging would work but it would mean it would have to somewhere private and he would never risk anyone he loved finding him like that and jumping from high things wasn’t actually as reliable as it sounded which he also new witch left trains; trains always worked with out fail, no exceptions
I swerved into a lay-by at the corner of the street and vomited over my self again before I had chance to open the plastic bag I had been trying to puke into. I had not wanted to stop driving but new there was no way I could vomit and drive at the same time so had wasted valuable moments while I let my emotions get the better of me but as soon as I could I slammed the car back in gear and started up the road again heading desperately for the train station car park.
It felt like the drive had took hours but finally I managed to swing into the train station car park and leapt out of the car not bothering to lock the door before Sprinted faster then I had ever ran before into the busy train station before stopping abruptly in the entrance in a mixture of pure disbelief and extreme fear and for a moment I felt so dizzy I was sure I was going to pass out where I stood. I had forgotten how big the train station actually was; finding Emmet here would be like trying to find a needle in a haystack
I started sobbing loudly then like a lost child my whole chest straining in the pure devastation of my tears my whole body balancing somewhere in between puking, fainting, or peeing my self. There was no way I was going to find him in time and he was going to kill him self; I was going to be his murderer.
Lots of posts!!! (Esmee) (Mi's side)
OK a few chapters bunched together here and all of them could be triggering for diffrent things so as always try and take care before reading. I hope these updates are all OK i know people are very busy so just try and read it in you own time. I really love that you are all reading this still and i love to here all of your comments!
Take care!
vikki
A dot in the distance
Emmet’s face looked like I had just got a knife out of my knickers and stabbed him in the chest with out any warning or reason as to why and I felt my heart rip as his face crumpled into tears as quickly as any child could; I had hurt him again, yet I new I was going to do that when I asked for the damn divorce but it was a lesser evil then the alternative which was him living as my personal nurse and care giver for the rest of his time on this earth.
I had been considering ways to cut him free from me since the day I had met him, I had even cried my heat out in the bathrooms at are wedding reception after we had got married thinking I had yet trapped him further and further down a dead end when he could have had the whole world. Yet I had always known deep in me to get him to leave and live a full life I would have to sacrifice everything for I new as long as I was around he would never leave me because of his loyalty; even If he no longer loved me.
“Esmee…please.” Emmet chocked his whole body shaking from his effort to try and talk over his own tears, “I love you.”
“but I don’t love you,” I lied even touch I could feel my heart rip apart making my whole body fill up with searing burning blood that pushed angrily at the surface of the skin. I would have to cut when It was over and I was alone, I would have to find the sharpest thing I could and open at least one vain so I could bleed enough to make the badness slip away so I could safely drive the rest of the way to the train station where I could find piece under a train.
“You mean it don’t you? I knew I was never good enough for you but I always hoped that my love would be enough to sustain you and for a while we where great weren’t we?” Emmet smiled, his tone one of utter desperation. “Esmee I will do whatever it takes, if you would just change your mind, We could go anywhere, I would become any one, and I would give you anything. Just don’t leave me.” Emmet sobbed grabbing hold of my wrists franticly his nails digging into my skin until I could feel blood come to the surface and gather under his nails; I didn’t even wince and he didn’t even notice.
“I will always love you Emmet, but just not like that.” I said trying to keep my voice as gentle and level as possible though inside I was braking apart just as much as he was.
“But we…”
“No, we couldn’t I don’t love you Emmet and I don’t want you in my life any more” I almost growled trying to hide my own tears behind a wall of pretend anger.
“Well I guess I won’t need this then.” Emmet stuttered one last time before yanking his wedding ring off of his finger opening the door and lobbing it over 100 feet through the air into a group of trees and flowers before I followed suit pulling the wedding band and diamond engagement ring off of my finger for the first time since Emmet has placed them there before opening my door and pretending to throw them In the same general direction as he had where as in all honesty I kept them safe in my scrunched up hand; I could never have thrown them away, I would die with those rings on my fingers and the hope that somehow he new that I still loved him more then he could ever really know.
“I’m sorry Emmet,” and with one final devastating howl he jumped out of the car and sprinted away from me and full speed while I watched him, my own tears now falling, as he became nothing but a dot in the distance.
Burning will do
As soon as Emmet was gone I imploded my brain and my body attempting to do a thousand different things to comfort its self at the same time, from the harsh crying to the projectile vomiting that caught be by where I could only just hang my head outside the door in time to avoid throwing up into Emmet’s foot well of his car but none of it mattered as much as my frantic searching did. Something sharp; I needed anything sharp.
I desperation I started searching the body work of the car for something I could brake to make something sharp with out going so low as to smash the window, I would if I had to, but it would have got peoples attention and I wanted to be alone. Cutting I had discovered some time ago was a game better played alone.
In a mixture of internal pain and frustration I growled and tried to shimmy over to the driver’s side to continue my search for a weapon when the weapon found me as I knocked it with the corner of my leg. It wasn’t sharp but it was dangerous enough and it would do the job at injuring me with out to much trouble but it wouldn’t make me bleed; I needed to bleed however with out hesitation I leant forward and pressed the cigarette lighter in on Emmet’s car and waited with trembling anticipation for it to warm up.
The letter
With a shaking had I leant forward and fumbled with the now red hot lighter while unbolting the cuff on my blouse trying to find a space on my lower arm. There where few left after years and years of cutting; in fact there where none, so I settled of a place of lighter scaring and pressed the nib of the scolding lighter into my flesh.
The pain was ridicules; far more painful then cutting would have been yet I only moved the lighter as I felt the burning eat through my layers of skin and begin to blister when in half relief I had found some way of hurting my self and half from the fact the sever pain the lighter had caused was gone I sat back against the seats in the car and breathed heavily as I watched my chest rise and fall in sharp unsatisfying gulping breaths as I tried to calm me self down enough to drive to the train station; I would not put other people in danger by driving badly on the roads even if both of them would result in the ending of my life.
Somewhere between hyperventilation, the want to create even more second degree burns on my arm and the need to vomit more bile onto the streets again I reached into the glove box with a shaking had to try and find a piece of paper and a pen which he always kept there along with his NHS badge. I almost laughed through my tears as I saw his much younger face staring back at me; the same coy smile and the same warm jade eyes. He was happy in that photo proud of his new licence and new job and a few years later I would own the same badge just with my nervous smile and cool back eyes as I prepared to step back into the same place where I had once been a client. Yet now it all seemed so stupid and so over I always new one day I would land up killing my self.
Grabbing the big A4 note pad and a pen out of the glove box I flipped though the pages to find a blank piece where I could write my last note to him when an white envelope fell out onto my lap my name written in a messy scrawl on the front that was hardly readable though the water stain that had made all the letters roll into one.
His goodbye
Trembling more then I would of liked I opened the envelope and unfolded the piece of paper that was full of crossings out and was streaked with water smudges that could have only been made my tears. Through the writing was hardly readable I had become used to this certain style over the tears and could make the words out fine even with the staining and all the heavy crossings out; it was Emmet’s writing.
Dear Esmee
I hoped that it would never come to this; I prayed all the time that you would never have to look through my car and find this letter because if you have it would suggest that you have left me and I am dead.
You have never known exactly how much I loved you, always thinking duty or loyalty has kept by you side from the start but it has never been about that really, and although I tried to tell you all of the time you have never believed me but it has always been about my love for you; and oh how I loved you.
I never felt the kinds of feeling I have when I am you. When I found you I found out the answer to every mans hardest question, what is the meaning of life? For me of course it was simple. It was you. Only you and from the moment I set eyes on you I realised with out you there the meaning would be gone, that darkness would descend upon me and everything else around me and there would be nothing and after the life I have lived with you; after feeling the pure outstanding joy I have felt with you I could not live in a black world so I would have to go.
So this if you haven’t guessed by now is my suicide note. I am not sure how I would of gone but it would have been something ultimate and a sure fire way so I wont just land up in a bed at apple gate house and you won’t have to feel like you have too look after me, this isn’t about blackmailing you into staying with me, if you want to go your own way you must and I will support that but I have to go my way too and I new long ago there was no life worth living with out you there to live it wit me.
So I’m dead. (god that feels weird writing that when I am still clearly alive) but I want to take this one last opportunity to tell you that I still love you and weather I am alive or dead I will always really love you. Look after Mia for me, she needs you and loves you almost as much as I do and tell I her I died for something I loved; an oh wasn’t she beautiful.
I love you Esmee, I have always loved you and maybe this last stand will finally prove it to you. Take care my honey bear and maybe one day I will see you again.
Lots of love
Emmet.
This time I couldn’t get my head out the door fast enough and vomited all over my self and the car. Emmet was going to kill himself and I might not be fast enoug
Take care!
vikki
A dot in the distance
Esmee
Emmet’s face looked like I had just got a knife out of my knickers and stabbed him in the chest with out any warning or reason as to why and I felt my heart rip as his face crumpled into tears as quickly as any child could; I had hurt him again, yet I new I was going to do that when I asked for the damn divorce but it was a lesser evil then the alternative which was him living as my personal nurse and care giver for the rest of his time on this earth.
I had been considering ways to cut him free from me since the day I had met him, I had even cried my heat out in the bathrooms at are wedding reception after we had got married thinking I had yet trapped him further and further down a dead end when he could have had the whole world. Yet I had always known deep in me to get him to leave and live a full life I would have to sacrifice everything for I new as long as I was around he would never leave me because of his loyalty; even If he no longer loved me.
“Esmee…please.” Emmet chocked his whole body shaking from his effort to try and talk over his own tears, “I love you.”
“but I don’t love you,” I lied even touch I could feel my heart rip apart making my whole body fill up with searing burning blood that pushed angrily at the surface of the skin. I would have to cut when It was over and I was alone, I would have to find the sharpest thing I could and open at least one vain so I could bleed enough to make the badness slip away so I could safely drive the rest of the way to the train station where I could find piece under a train.
“You mean it don’t you? I knew I was never good enough for you but I always hoped that my love would be enough to sustain you and for a while we where great weren’t we?” Emmet smiled, his tone one of utter desperation. “Esmee I will do whatever it takes, if you would just change your mind, We could go anywhere, I would become any one, and I would give you anything. Just don’t leave me.” Emmet sobbed grabbing hold of my wrists franticly his nails digging into my skin until I could feel blood come to the surface and gather under his nails; I didn’t even wince and he didn’t even notice.
“I will always love you Emmet, but just not like that.” I said trying to keep my voice as gentle and level as possible though inside I was braking apart just as much as he was.
“But we…”
“No, we couldn’t I don’t love you Emmet and I don’t want you in my life any more” I almost growled trying to hide my own tears behind a wall of pretend anger.
“Well I guess I won’t need this then.” Emmet stuttered one last time before yanking his wedding ring off of his finger opening the door and lobbing it over 100 feet through the air into a group of trees and flowers before I followed suit pulling the wedding band and diamond engagement ring off of my finger for the first time since Emmet has placed them there before opening my door and pretending to throw them In the same general direction as he had where as in all honesty I kept them safe in my scrunched up hand; I could never have thrown them away, I would die with those rings on my fingers and the hope that somehow he new that I still loved him more then he could ever really know.
“I’m sorry Emmet,” and with one final devastating howl he jumped out of the car and sprinted away from me and full speed while I watched him, my own tears now falling, as he became nothing but a dot in the distance.
Burning will do
As soon as Emmet was gone I imploded my brain and my body attempting to do a thousand different things to comfort its self at the same time, from the harsh crying to the projectile vomiting that caught be by where I could only just hang my head outside the door in time to avoid throwing up into Emmet’s foot well of his car but none of it mattered as much as my frantic searching did. Something sharp; I needed anything sharp.
I desperation I started searching the body work of the car for something I could brake to make something sharp with out going so low as to smash the window, I would if I had to, but it would have got peoples attention and I wanted to be alone. Cutting I had discovered some time ago was a game better played alone.
In a mixture of internal pain and frustration I growled and tried to shimmy over to the driver’s side to continue my search for a weapon when the weapon found me as I knocked it with the corner of my leg. It wasn’t sharp but it was dangerous enough and it would do the job at injuring me with out to much trouble but it wouldn’t make me bleed; I needed to bleed however with out hesitation I leant forward and pressed the cigarette lighter in on Emmet’s car and waited with trembling anticipation for it to warm up.
The letter
With a shaking had I leant forward and fumbled with the now red hot lighter while unbolting the cuff on my blouse trying to find a space on my lower arm. There where few left after years and years of cutting; in fact there where none, so I settled of a place of lighter scaring and pressed the nib of the scolding lighter into my flesh.
The pain was ridicules; far more painful then cutting would have been yet I only moved the lighter as I felt the burning eat through my layers of skin and begin to blister when in half relief I had found some way of hurting my self and half from the fact the sever pain the lighter had caused was gone I sat back against the seats in the car and breathed heavily as I watched my chest rise and fall in sharp unsatisfying gulping breaths as I tried to calm me self down enough to drive to the train station; I would not put other people in danger by driving badly on the roads even if both of them would result in the ending of my life.
Somewhere between hyperventilation, the want to create even more second degree burns on my arm and the need to vomit more bile onto the streets again I reached into the glove box with a shaking had to try and find a piece of paper and a pen which he always kept there along with his NHS badge. I almost laughed through my tears as I saw his much younger face staring back at me; the same coy smile and the same warm jade eyes. He was happy in that photo proud of his new licence and new job and a few years later I would own the same badge just with my nervous smile and cool back eyes as I prepared to step back into the same place where I had once been a client. Yet now it all seemed so stupid and so over I always new one day I would land up killing my self.
Grabbing the big A4 note pad and a pen out of the glove box I flipped though the pages to find a blank piece where I could write my last note to him when an white envelope fell out onto my lap my name written in a messy scrawl on the front that was hardly readable though the water stain that had made all the letters roll into one.
His goodbye
Trembling more then I would of liked I opened the envelope and unfolded the piece of paper that was full of crossings out and was streaked with water smudges that could have only been made my tears. Through the writing was hardly readable I had become used to this certain style over the tears and could make the words out fine even with the staining and all the heavy crossings out; it was Emmet’s writing.
Dear Esmee
I hoped that it would never come to this; I prayed all the time that you would never have to look through my car and find this letter because if you have it would suggest that you have left me and I am dead.
You have never known exactly how much I loved you, always thinking duty or loyalty has kept by you side from the start but it has never been about that really, and although I tried to tell you all of the time you have never believed me but it has always been about my love for you; and oh how I loved you.
I never felt the kinds of feeling I have when I am you. When I found you I found out the answer to every mans hardest question, what is the meaning of life? For me of course it was simple. It was you. Only you and from the moment I set eyes on you I realised with out you there the meaning would be gone, that darkness would descend upon me and everything else around me and there would be nothing and after the life I have lived with you; after feeling the pure outstanding joy I have felt with you I could not live in a black world so I would have to go.
So this if you haven’t guessed by now is my suicide note. I am not sure how I would of gone but it would have been something ultimate and a sure fire way so I wont just land up in a bed at apple gate house and you won’t have to feel like you have too look after me, this isn’t about blackmailing you into staying with me, if you want to go your own way you must and I will support that but I have to go my way too and I new long ago there was no life worth living with out you there to live it wit me.
So I’m dead. (god that feels weird writing that when I am still clearly alive) but I want to take this one last opportunity to tell you that I still love you and weather I am alive or dead I will always really love you. Look after Mia for me, she needs you and loves you almost as much as I do and tell I her I died for something I loved; an oh wasn’t she beautiful.
I love you Esmee, I have always loved you and maybe this last stand will finally prove it to you. Take care my honey bear and maybe one day I will see you again.
Lots of love
Emmet.
This time I couldn’t get my head out the door fast enough and vomited all over my self and the car. Emmet was going to kill himself and I might not be fast enoug
Friday, 28 October 2011
Call and I will be there (mi's side)
Call and I will be there
Conner’s hands where completely covered in scars from past burns some a lot older then the others, the fingers where so disfigured they hardly looked usable and most of the fingertips where amputated while his little finger had been completely removed from below the knuckle. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled removing his hand from mine and removing them from view on seeing that I was looking. I wanted to ask him how they had got there more for my sake then his, I wanted to push away my worse nightmares that the scars where not there accidentally. I wanted to make sure that he had not felt the need to do this to him self but even If I had asked he would not of been aloud to answer with Ava sitting next to me
“Right guys, thanks for helping out in here but I really am going to have to be persistent that you all bugger off now, as soon as Mi is feeling a little bit better she can come and see you all if she wants, I know it has been a long time since you have all had time to catch up and there will be time for it soon but now isn’t it.
“You come and see us all in a bit right Mi.” Summer prompted smiling at me before turning linking her arm through Summer s and leaving the room.
“You as well Conner.” Ava smiled
“Can’t I stay, please?” Conner asked his eyes almost begging Ava
“Mi, do you want him too?”
“Conner I’m fine.” I said weekly trying not to let the shivers take over me as I looked at him and he stared back with the same eyes he always had and for just a second I thought he had gone back to trying to kill me with them.
“Don’t keep doing this to your self Mi, I know it’s heard but there are so many reasons for you to live.” Conner said stiffly before walking to the door and hesitating just before he left.
“You know where I am Mi, just call and I will be there.”
Mi
Conner’s hands where completely covered in scars from past burns some a lot older then the others, the fingers where so disfigured they hardly looked usable and most of the fingertips where amputated while his little finger had been completely removed from below the knuckle. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled removing his hand from mine and removing them from view on seeing that I was looking. I wanted to ask him how they had got there more for my sake then his, I wanted to push away my worse nightmares that the scars where not there accidentally. I wanted to make sure that he had not felt the need to do this to him self but even If I had asked he would not of been aloud to answer with Ava sitting next to me
“Right guys, thanks for helping out in here but I really am going to have to be persistent that you all bugger off now, as soon as Mi is feeling a little bit better she can come and see you all if she wants, I know it has been a long time since you have all had time to catch up and there will be time for it soon but now isn’t it.
“You come and see us all in a bit right Mi.” Summer prompted smiling at me before turning linking her arm through Summer s and leaving the room.
“You as well Conner.” Ava smiled
“Can’t I stay, please?” Conner asked his eyes almost begging Ava
“Mi, do you want him too?”
“Conner I’m fine.” I said weekly trying not to let the shivers take over me as I looked at him and he stared back with the same eyes he always had and for just a second I thought he had gone back to trying to kill me with them.
“Don’t keep doing this to your self Mi, I know it’s heard but there are so many reasons for you to live.” Conner said stiffly before walking to the door and hesitating just before he left.
“You know where I am Mi, just call and I will be there.”
(Esmee) My biggest lie Mi's side
My biggest lie
“How many times to we have to do this Esmee?” Emmet asked sighing putting his head into his hands in exasperation, “it has been years and you are still no closer to realising that I am with you because I want to be and not because I have to be. Why would I want to run away from something that makes me so happy or are you just trying to make me go because you don’t want me any more?” Emmet grumbled his voice muffled from behind his hands as he spoke. It was a conversation that would have no winners and we both new it I had hurt him again and his last comment had cut me as good as any knife and at least one of us would land up in tears but I still couldn’t just sit there and watch what I was doing to him and not tell him he should get out. There was still time for him, he could find some one else, he could get remarried and he could start again with someone who could stand alone in the world with out him to fall on all the time. He could have a proper marriage not one that always swung somewhere on the gates of a mental hospital.
“Emmet,” I said sighing my self, my emotions somewhere between laughter and sobbing as I tried to get my self to lie the biggest lie I would ever have to in my life. “Emmet I want to break up with you, are relationship stopped working a long time ago and I am not in love with you and more. I would like to get a devorice.
Esmee
"Those things which are precious are saved only by sacrifice.”
David Kenyon Webster
“How many times to we have to do this Esmee?” Emmet asked sighing putting his head into his hands in exasperation, “it has been years and you are still no closer to realising that I am with you because I want to be and not because I have to be. Why would I want to run away from something that makes me so happy or are you just trying to make me go because you don’t want me any more?” Emmet grumbled his voice muffled from behind his hands as he spoke. It was a conversation that would have no winners and we both new it I had hurt him again and his last comment had cut me as good as any knife and at least one of us would land up in tears but I still couldn’t just sit there and watch what I was doing to him and not tell him he should get out. There was still time for him, he could find some one else, he could get remarried and he could start again with someone who could stand alone in the world with out him to fall on all the time. He could have a proper marriage not one that always swung somewhere on the gates of a mental hospital.
“Emmet,” I said sighing my self, my emotions somewhere between laughter and sobbing as I tried to get my self to lie the biggest lie I would ever have to in my life. “Emmet I want to break up with you, are relationship stopped working a long time ago and I am not in love with you and more. I would like to get a devorice.
A room named tranquillity (Mi's side)
A room named tranquillity
Almost in a hypnotic state I reached out with the glass and dropped it into Ava’s hand, suddenly the whole act seemed stupid and handing that piece of lass over had become as easy as passing a pen to someone in a class room though in fairness I had now been informed that I had now oafishly left school however it had felt like a long time since I had been well enough at the unit to actually go to their school any way; thankfully due to “a sever illness” my GSCE’S where to be awarded at just below my predicted grades so apparently I could look forward to a list of C’s and B’s.
“Well done Mi, you have done so well.” Ava chirped as she shimmied out from under my bed and got to her feet trying to get the glass as far away from me as possible just in case I decided that I wanted it back. Edward followed suit quickly after her who just left a gently smiling yet nervous Alice under my bed next to Conner and Bella.
Still shaking slightly from the left over adrenalin I uncurled my body and tried to shimmy my self out from under the bed with the help my Alice who tried to stop me hitting my head on the corner of the bed then held onto my hands as I tried to get to my feet my whole body trembling as the blood rushed back to the parts of the body where it had recently been cut off and nausea floated somewhere at the back of my through like a lump just under my gag reflex.
“Come on honey, sit down Alice said gently pushing me down towards the bed where my heavy body fell with out much persuasion and Ava - who had given the glass to Edward to dispose of - came and sat next to me pressing two fingers down to the side of my wrist while discreetly looking at her watch.
“Is Emmet or Esmee available?” Ava asked after while of counting as she placed the back of her cool hand over the top of my clammy forehead, “Or any other staff nurse?”
“I think George is with Ella trying to help get her packed for her discharge, Libby is trying to get ready for Danny’s arrival and Elizabeth is in CCTV?
“And Esmee or Emmet?”
“Esmee was feeling really quite unwell so Emmet has signed Esmee and himself out so he could help get her home, she was too sick to drive.”
I felt my lungs squeeze as I head of Esmee’s sudden illness and something that sounded like half a wheeze and half a yelp escaped somewhere from in my chest catching Ava and Conner’s full attention.
“What’s the matter with her Ava?” Conner asked nervously but she ignored him directing her instructions to Beth instead.
“Can you go and Cover for Elizabeth and tell her to go to the clinic and get blood pressure cuff a pulse and oxygen monitor and…”
“Ava!” Conner growled angrily; the nose originating somewhere from the back of his throat as if he was a wild lion trying to protect his pride before he stepped forward and took my hand into his again, making the same sparks fly around me and my breath to catch again in my throat just below the ball of nausea.
“What’s wrong with her Ava?” He snapped
“”She’s fine Conner.” Ava responded surprised at such an aggressive out burst from such a normally quiet character “I think she’s just a bit shaken and her pulse is a little faster then I would usually like to see.”
“So why does she need oxygen?” Conner snapped again grinding his teeth together,
“Because it’s going to help her take some nice big breaths and calm everything down a bit so she doesn’t feel so shaky and out of control.”
“But she is going to be OK yes?” Conner asked defensively the grip on my hand becoming tighter causing me too look down so I could see the new hands that where doing all the comforting before I let out a little gasp at what I saw holding on to mine. Amongst everything I had forgotten Conner was had also clamed the room named Tranquillity for a reason.
Mi
Almost in a hypnotic state I reached out with the glass and dropped it into Ava’s hand, suddenly the whole act seemed stupid and handing that piece of lass over had become as easy as passing a pen to someone in a class room though in fairness I had now been informed that I had now oafishly left school however it had felt like a long time since I had been well enough at the unit to actually go to their school any way; thankfully due to “a sever illness” my GSCE’S where to be awarded at just below my predicted grades so apparently I could look forward to a list of C’s and B’s.
“Well done Mi, you have done so well.” Ava chirped as she shimmied out from under my bed and got to her feet trying to get the glass as far away from me as possible just in case I decided that I wanted it back. Edward followed suit quickly after her who just left a gently smiling yet nervous Alice under my bed next to Conner and Bella.
Still shaking slightly from the left over adrenalin I uncurled my body and tried to shimmy my self out from under the bed with the help my Alice who tried to stop me hitting my head on the corner of the bed then held onto my hands as I tried to get to my feet my whole body trembling as the blood rushed back to the parts of the body where it had recently been cut off and nausea floated somewhere at the back of my through like a lump just under my gag reflex.
“Come on honey, sit down Alice said gently pushing me down towards the bed where my heavy body fell with out much persuasion and Ava - who had given the glass to Edward to dispose of - came and sat next to me pressing two fingers down to the side of my wrist while discreetly looking at her watch.
“Is Emmet or Esmee available?” Ava asked after while of counting as she placed the back of her cool hand over the top of my clammy forehead, “Or any other staff nurse?”
“I think George is with Ella trying to help get her packed for her discharge, Libby is trying to get ready for Danny’s arrival and Elizabeth is in CCTV?
“And Esmee or Emmet?”
“Esmee was feeling really quite unwell so Emmet has signed Esmee and himself out so he could help get her home, she was too sick to drive.”
I felt my lungs squeeze as I head of Esmee’s sudden illness and something that sounded like half a wheeze and half a yelp escaped somewhere from in my chest catching Ava and Conner’s full attention.
“What’s the matter with her Ava?” Conner asked nervously but she ignored him directing her instructions to Beth instead.
“Can you go and Cover for Elizabeth and tell her to go to the clinic and get blood pressure cuff a pulse and oxygen monitor and…”
“Ava!” Conner growled angrily; the nose originating somewhere from the back of his throat as if he was a wild lion trying to protect his pride before he stepped forward and took my hand into his again, making the same sparks fly around me and my breath to catch again in my throat just below the ball of nausea.
“What’s wrong with her Ava?” He snapped
“”She’s fine Conner.” Ava responded surprised at such an aggressive out burst from such a normally quiet character “I think she’s just a bit shaken and her pulse is a little faster then I would usually like to see.”
“So why does she need oxygen?” Conner snapped again grinding his teeth together,
“Because it’s going to help her take some nice big breaths and calm everything down a bit so she doesn’t feel so shaky and out of control.”
“But she is going to be OK yes?” Conner asked defensively the grip on my hand becoming tighter causing me too look down so I could see the new hands that where doing all the comforting before I let out a little gasp at what I saw holding on to mine. Amongst everything I had forgotten Conner was had also clamed the room named Tranquillity for a reason.
Wednesday, 19 October 2011
(Esmee) Run for your life (Mi's side)
Run for your life
“Ewe Emmet! It’s all sticky!” I shouted as the ice cream dripped off of my nose down my chin and onto my top, “and I really liked this blouse two.” I groaned
“Oh stop moaning!” Emmet grinned before he reached over in his seat and gently put his lips around the tip of my nose licking the ice cream off with the velvet tip of his tongue making the familiar fire works start to explode somewhere in the back of my head as his touch warmed though me making the hairs stand up on end. Unable to fight the urge I pounced forward at him knocking his mouth off of my nose so I could lock my lips around his, kissing him deeply trying to interlock my body as close as I could to him, scarcely aware of the hand brake and gear stick pocking into the side of me, I didn’t matter if I was close to him; when he became part of me.
“Esmee, stop.” Emmet groaned out after a few more moments of my wild frantic kissing, pushing me back down over to my seat leaving me with a raw abandoned feeling somewhere deep inside of me. I didn’t care what he had to say to me I just wanted to be up close with
him; after all he had started it.
“Why, what’s the matter?” I asked trying not to pout like a stroopy teenager. “Did you not like it?”
“On the contry I liked it a little too much.” Emmet huffed trying to take some deep calming breaths to centre him self again.
“Then what was the problem?”
“We are in a public car park, and I was under the impression having sex in a public is still illegal.”
“We weren’t having sex.”
“We would have been, beside that isn’t the point. I was trying to lighten the situation Esmee, if you weren’t thinking about eating the ice cream as much as you where and analyzing everything that was going to happen if you did eat it I hoped it would stop hurting you so much; I had to try and do something to stop your pain.” Emmet moaned the last of the previous excitement leaving him behind, his eyes going foggy again. I done this to him far to many times. I caused all this trouble; I made those angle eyes cry and I hated my self for it.
“I’m sorry that I hurt you.” I moaned every last bit of the glorious heat from before retreating back into the dull pain of before so it could mix in with the niggling panic. “I am sorry that I do this to you all the time, I’m sorry that I say and do the wrong things, I’m sorry that I hurt you,” I moaned throwing what was left of my lice cream out the window before trying to locate the baby wipes that where in Emmet’s car somewhere.
“Esmee…”
“No Emmet,” I snapped trying to cut him off before he spent the next hour telling me how I had done nothing wrong and I didn’t hurt him. “I wanted to be perfect Emmet but perfection nearly killed me yet I don’t think I will ever be able to cope with being this flawed either.” I sighed again not knowing what I was doing or how it had come back to what it was then. “All I do know Emmet is that you should run for your life.”
"You’re worth more, you’re worth more than this
You can take a leap without the risk
There’s no time, there’s no time for this
Take your love and start again.
So run for your life, run for your life
If you leave me behind, you'll get there in time"
You can take a leap without the risk
There’s no time, there’s no time for this
Take your love and start again.
So run for your life, run for your life
If you leave me behind, you'll get there in time"
Run for your life
Matt Cardle
“Ewe Emmet! It’s all sticky!” I shouted as the ice cream dripped off of my nose down my chin and onto my top, “and I really liked this blouse two.” I groaned
“Oh stop moaning!” Emmet grinned before he reached over in his seat and gently put his lips around the tip of my nose licking the ice cream off with the velvet tip of his tongue making the familiar fire works start to explode somewhere in the back of my head as his touch warmed though me making the hairs stand up on end. Unable to fight the urge I pounced forward at him knocking his mouth off of my nose so I could lock my lips around his, kissing him deeply trying to interlock my body as close as I could to him, scarcely aware of the hand brake and gear stick pocking into the side of me, I didn’t matter if I was close to him; when he became part of me.
“Esmee, stop.” Emmet groaned out after a few more moments of my wild frantic kissing, pushing me back down over to my seat leaving me with a raw abandoned feeling somewhere deep inside of me. I didn’t care what he had to say to me I just wanted to be up close with
him; after all he had started it.
“Why, what’s the matter?” I asked trying not to pout like a stroopy teenager. “Did you not like it?”
“On the contry I liked it a little too much.” Emmet huffed trying to take some deep calming breaths to centre him self again.
“Then what was the problem?”
“We are in a public car park, and I was under the impression having sex in a public is still illegal.”
“We weren’t having sex.”
“We would have been, beside that isn’t the point. I was trying to lighten the situation Esmee, if you weren’t thinking about eating the ice cream as much as you where and analyzing everything that was going to happen if you did eat it I hoped it would stop hurting you so much; I had to try and do something to stop your pain.” Emmet moaned the last of the previous excitement leaving him behind, his eyes going foggy again. I done this to him far to many times. I caused all this trouble; I made those angle eyes cry and I hated my self for it.
“I’m sorry that I hurt you.” I moaned every last bit of the glorious heat from before retreating back into the dull pain of before so it could mix in with the niggling panic. “I am sorry that I do this to you all the time, I’m sorry that I say and do the wrong things, I’m sorry that I hurt you,” I moaned throwing what was left of my lice cream out the window before trying to locate the baby wipes that where in Emmet’s car somewhere.
“Esmee…”
“No Emmet,” I snapped trying to cut him off before he spent the next hour telling me how I had done nothing wrong and I didn’t hurt him. “I wanted to be perfect Emmet but perfection nearly killed me yet I don’t think I will ever be able to cope with being this flawed either.” I sighed again not knowing what I was doing or how it had come back to what it was then. “All I do know Emmet is that you should run for your life.”
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