All that i know is i'm breathing (Mi's side)

All that I know is I’m breathing

Mi

“Storm is coming but I don’t mind,

People are dying I close my blinds,

All that I know is I’m breathing now.

I want to change the world, instead I sleep.

I want to believe in more then you and me.

All that I know is I’m breathing

All that I can do is keep breathing

All we can do is keep breathing, now”

Keep breathing

Ingrid Michaelson

　

Three weeks past in what seemed like a world I had become detached from. Like somehow I was watching my self float around with the others on the unit but inside I wasn’t really there. Esmee or Emmet had not come back the day I fort with the glass under the bed or the next day, or the next…or the next. For the first few days I was inconsolably sad and brutally angry but the numbing dispersion set in after that turning everything gray. I had asked after them to every member of staff especially Ava and Jean but I always got the same shit shoved back into my face about personal problems. There had been times where I nearly yelled out that Esmee was my sister and I deserved to know but that would have been breaking a trust she had installed in me.

Even though I was sad I had not attempted to hurt my self and as a result for the first time in a very long time I was on the two hourly entry level observations which was OK by me. Most mornings I got up ate then went into the day room curling up on the sofa and letting the silent tears trickle down over the side of my face. Sometimes an odd member of staff tried to comfort me, even Crystal in an odd moment of Compassion had rested her hand on my shoulder and offered to make me a cup of tea but as always I refused and she walked away. Summer and Bella spent most of the morning taking there own kind of shifts sitting with me and letting me know that they know that they thought it sucked too and for the first few days Conner wouldn’t leave my side but the hits come heard and as always they came in pairs and by the end of the first week I learnt that Conner was to be discharged on the Monday and before I new it I was watching him driving off with his mother as Edward tried to hold me upright when all my body wanted to do was collapse in on it’s self. Conner had told me he would wait for me and pressed a piece of paper with a mobile number on it and had asked for mine in return but I could not even find the energy to raise my head or grip my pen to write the numbers so in the end he said it didn’t matter and he would find me but inside me I knew it would be the last time I ever saw him or felt the magic he had brought alive in me.

After Conner left I almost completely lost the ability to sleep. My mind would not shut down and when it did I was plagued by old and new nightmares until I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs and the night staff came running. It became so bad that every night I was forced to take a sedative but even the sedative couldn’t keep the bad dreams away completely and more often then not I found my self trapped inside them with out the ability to scream them away.

Inside my head I was making graphic and hideous plans on how to kill my self or self harm and I saw them play out inside my head over and over again as clearly as if I was just watching my self get on with it on the other side of the room but when It came to the act of actually doing it I was always just that little bit to tired. I had made my self sick a few times but it granted me no release any more and neither did anything else. There where times when I was laying there that I nearly screamed from the despair that floated inside of me but at these times I just closed my eyes clenched my fists and counted in my head until the numbers faded into sleep. I had reached into the millions, even the hundred millions each one a seconded that had passed since I had been left again.

I had always known of course that Esmee and Emmet would walk away from me in the end but they had had so many times before and they didn’t and they gave me hope; I began to dream again. Maybe I had become to attached but there was nothing I could do to stop it. I though them every step of the way because I had always known that it would hurt like hell when this day come but there had been nothing or no one that could have prepared me for the darkness I was plunged into

When I wasn’t feeling abandoned there was the other heart ranching fear that took hold of me inside. Esmee had always acted strong but in her eyes I had seen her break so many times before and her skin told a story like mine. What if it had become too much? What if she had fallen into a pit that she could not get out of and what if she was now like me face down on an itchy blue Sofa in a unit somewhere with her tears making a stain on the cushions. What of she needed a sister? What if she needed a friend?

All I knew was I was breathing, in and out in and out my chest rising and falling from the lungs that she had brought back to life and I also knew that I could and would cry forever but she was never coming back.

(Esmee) Somewhere a door slams (Mi's side)

Somewhere a door slams

“WHAT!” both Emmet and my self shouted at the same time as I tried to get the words to make a real meaning inside me head.

“Your pregnant, I would say about six weeks.” Leo shouted clapping his hand and jumping up and down on the spot his face awash with tears of joy. He new we had always wanted more the one child and…and… I was pregnant.

“OK I’m going to throw up now.” I moaned the gagging starting somewhere in the back of my throat. I was pregnant.

“Wow, wow, hang on.” Leo shouted stopping jumping before springing into action and grabbing a bowl that was somewhere in the corner on the room before holding it under my chin just in time as the bile exited through my mouth somewhere in between trying to get the words to make sense and my mind to stop whirling as I was now in a sitting up position.

“Well this is good news right!”

I was pregnant… Some where inside my womb a tiny heart fluttered with new life Emmet’s and my life in a tiny little creation and it was nestled within me somewhere and I was keeping it safe, I was keeping it warm what I fed my self passed to it. My blood bringing its blood to life but this happened. A tiny beating heart had pumped inside me five times before at this stage and in the space of a month four of them had stopped leaving me with no words but just the bitter reason that if I had ate more, if I had been better, if I tried heard I would be a mother of five and now six. The odds where against this one.

Defeated from my thumping brain I put my head in my hands and started to cry. The doctor’s words still echoed in my brain like they had all the times before. “You have lost two, three, four babies now Esmee, it looks like your body just isn’t up to carrying a child.” The thing is I wasn’t up for losing any more and what real chance did this one have since I had been restricting food, exercising too much and god knows what else for the last few months. I wanted to scream.

“Are you sure?” I herd Emmet ask softly before getting up and wrapping me in his arms me, my face resting against his chest where my tears left a damp spot against his heart. He was now being strong for me but even through my tears I could see the dread somewhere in the back of his eyes. Another miscarriage would tear everything apart and I knew I was all ready fragile.

“Ok I must say this isn’t really I was the reaction I was expecting, am I just missing the inner whoops of joy?” Leo asked shocked and for a small moment I felt bad. If it held on, if I held on in months I could see it on the surface feel it moving and be able to listen to new life.

“It’s not as simple as that really Leo.” Emmet said gently pressing his lips to the top of my head, “we have lost four before and the specialist didn’t hold out much hope for Esmee to be able to successfully carry a baby.” Emmet said softly like maybe if he was soft it might not hurt me so much but of course it did. Every miscarriage could have been a son or daughter delivered onto my chest.

“I’m sorry Emmet.” I whined turning my face so it was buried into him “I’m going to kill this one too aren’t I?” I wept instinctively my hand cupping over my stomach that I had stood in front of the mirror and insulted just the day before.

“Oh Honey don’t think like that baby, you didn’t kill them sweet heart, it just wasn’t meant to happen for us then and maybe it wont this time either but maybe we will be blessed and she will grow healthy and strong and she will love you as much as I do.” Emmet smiled even though his face didn’t really hold much hope before he slid his hand down and placed it over mine.

“Thank you, but you know as well as I do that I haven’t been treating my self well enough to support a baby, I mean I have actually lost weight. I healthy pregnant mother dose not lose weight,” I moaned mournfully.

“That kind of brings me around to my second thing Esmee. How much have you been eating lately?” Leo asked the hummer in his voice gone which was never a good sign when it come to Leo. “Have you been counting the calories? He asked gently.

“No,” I whispered honestly as I had been putting up and extra effort not to, “I have been cutting back a bit though and exercising more.” The whole point of it was empty now when I had been concerned with control and vanity I might have been killing my unborn child.

“How about purging?” He asked almost sadly kicking a chair over by my side and sitting down taking my spare hand into his. “ Your not ill, ill exactly but still our tests are a bit worrying my love,” he said gently “ Everything is down in your boots, blood sugar, blood count, platelets and your anaemic. They would suggest that you are absolutely exhausted and verging on malnourished and that obviously wont help the baby. Do you think you can start eating a bit better?” He asked reaching up one hand wiping off one tear from the side of my cheek the Emmet hadn’t caught

“I’m sorry ok.” I whispered my heart breaking somewhere inside of me, “I didn’t mean to hurt my baby. If I know I would have eat better, taken folic acid, rested more, like I did with all the rest of them.” I moaned

“Well I’m going to admit you at least over night maybe a bit longer and your going to hate this but I need you to think of that little cub growing inside of you, so I am going to put you on a rescue feed drip for 24 to 48 hours. It will give everything a boost and it will make you feel better and give baby a better chance. It will also help you to get some rest which if your working like you normally do you could really do with, OK?”

“Of course, I said my insides someplace cold as I tried to get the thoughts of my body restrained to the bed as I screamed against the calories that where being forced into me through a drip, it was heard to thing that so many years later the same drip that I hated would be the very thing to try and keep my baby alive.

“I will request a side room and Emmet will have opening visit times as I know this will be very trying for you but it really is the best.” Leo said softly before picking up my wrists strapping on two ID bands. I swore at the same time I heard a heavy door slamming closed and an infant crying.

(Esmee) results (mi's side)

OK hello! anyone there? I think you have all gone away and left me :-( well if you havent exciting chapter!!!! :-)


Results

A&E was busy so it was further three hours before any of the results from my tests where ready however somehow between patients, writing notes and responding to crash calls in resus he managed to keep popping back in to see if we where OK and to apologize about the waiting around.

Leo was an amazing man and had been Emmet’s best friend ever since school, so naturally he became mine too. He was worked off of his feet normally having only been qualified for a few years but in amongst all the mayhem he still found time to come around and see us and spoil Mia. He was always there in an emergency, always willing to baby sit if he could fit it in around work and always understanding of any issues that I may have had over the years. He had been Emmet’s best man at our wedding and made an excellent god parent to Mia, not to mention stand in god parent to any fist child that floated through her house.

“I have news!” Leo shouted as he busted in around the curtain before jumping up and down on the spot barely containing the excitement that was all over his face.

“Well I am glad my sudden illness makes you so happy.” I said sleepily from my bed

“Your not sick!” He shouted again before bounding over and kissing me on the side of my face his eyes welling up with tears as he regarded me and Emmet.

“Leo,” I growled, “what the hell is going on?”

“The bears are expecting a cub!”

(Esmee) find my way back to you, My man on the front line and thrown a rope (Mi's side)

I am not sure about triggers but i could imagine that there could be and even if ther isn't i think it could in it's self be classed as upsetting, but there again i am sensative right now as i am not doing so well, so just a warning, love vikki


Find my way back to you

A few moments later the nurse who had took my hand over notes pulled back the curtains to the compartment I was in with a swoosh before stepping inside in side of course in her eyes making the cubical sound proof.

“Hello my love,” the nurse said in a voice that once again was far louder then needed for someone right beside of her though saying that she had to shout over the doctor that was two compartments down who was trying to explain to a stone deaf Margret that she had broke her hip.

“I’m going to have to ask you to get changed into a gown for me if that’s OK, I have to do an ECG and things, I can see you are in a bit of a state though so maybe you would like to clean your self up a bit before I do all of this.” In short this was polite for her saying Esmee you absolutely wreak and if I touch you like you are now I may have to wear a peg on my nose.

“How are you feeling any way? Any more light headedness?”

“No I’m Ok when I’m lying down its vertical I have a problem with.” I smiled gripping my fingers tighter around Emmet’s hand just to make sure he had no ideas of letting me go.

“All right my love, I will go and get you some soap and water and things then I will come back and give you a hand to get cleaned up if you want one, then I can do your ECG and things and by that time the doctor should be ready to see you.” The nurse smiled again sweetly swinging the curtains open as she left letting the active world of an A&E majors department into great me.

I had no idea how Emmet had pulled off so many years of working in this place everything was always so busy and there was no time to sit and work out what the next step of action was, it was all machines chest compressions and tea making with a fair amount of shouting thrown in for good measure yet he said he loved it while he was here just not as much as apple gate house and that wasn’t to mention the pay for an A&E nurse was even more abysmal then are wages.

“Will you help me out rather then her?” I asked Emmet as I tried to drag my eyes away from the whole other world that seemed to play out at the bottom of my bed, “I mean I usually am fine with washing my self and all but I have this whole vertical issue right now.”

“Esmee, you have always had a vertical issue.” Emmet smiled his face now somewhat recovering from the pain lines that had been there only a few moments ago. Even though it was not back to it’s normal self completely it was now resembling my Emmet’s face more and more and not the monster I had put there in his place and more then ever before I tried to burn the image of it into the back of my mind in case it ever went away again.

“You’re intolerable,” I joked smiling up at him. “You know what I meant.”

“It won’t be the first time I have washed and dressed you and I am sure it won’t be the last; I think I can manage.” Emmet smiled leaning forward to kiss me on the fore head.

“Ewww Emmet I covered in vomit; you don’t want to kiss me.”

“I don’t care, it feels like its been years since I kissed you last, and to think I may have never felt this again.” Emmet said his voice pained as an involuntary shiver went up his spine.

“Don’t; your just torturing you self. I promise I will never do that again. I will never argue with you or treat you wrong.”

“Don’t be a plank Esmee of course we will argue, probably several million time before are life’s are at a close but all that matters is at the end of them I will always find my way back to you.”



My man on the front line

About five minutes later the same nurse rolled a bowl of soapy water and towels into my cubical on a table with weals and put a hospital gown on the edge of my bed before leaving Emmet and my self to get me into a more suitable state.

Very gently Emmet propped the head of bed up and my head span slightly as I tried to get accustomed to sitting up again.

“Are you feeling faint again?” Emmet asked gently leaning my head down a bit more though I still wasn’t flat.

“Don’t worry about it, it will pass, soon, I’m probably coming down with a virus or something, I’m fine.”

“Yeah well they will be able to tell us that wont they.” Emmet said gently pulling my top up over my head before trying with out much success to undo my bra.

“You know you bloody hopeless,” I said putting one had behind my back and unclipping the fasten on my bra before pulling it off of my shoulders and passing it to Emmet to put on my pile of cloths before shivering as I caught sight of my naked body lying on the bed. I had never been a huge fan of my body, well Julie had first drawn my attention to it when I was about 10 and from then on I had never been comfortable sitting in my own skin. On the face of it in all honestly it really wasn’t that much different from someone else’s. In fact the shape might have been something people longed after. I was not fat even though sometimes I felt fat and no longer was I the five stone Sterlington that I had become. My tummy was flat-ish and my hips where not particularly wide and after I gave birth to Mi I had been blessed to have c breasts which where surprisingly big for a diminutive women like my self but something about it repulsed me. The shape the feel, the scars and right there I felt disgusted and worthless.

“I kind of feel hideous right now.” I admitted gently to Emmet, covering up my scared breast with my even more badly scared arms before looking away from Emmet as unexpected tears found my eyes. A man like Emmet deserved a sun kissed goddess of beauty and I at best was broken. “I’m so flawed.” I moaned swallowing heard against the lump of tears in my throat

“You’re beautiful.” Emmet said firmly but in a kind tone as he removed my arms from over my breast and looked at my naked top half for a while which almost made me feel nauseous. I new that he saw a woman he desired but I felt awful and his eyes burned as he scanned the contours of my body.

“I know you don’t feel that right now but I wish there was a way you could see you’re self though my eyes and then you would know that I’m not just making that up.” Emmet said in an almost whisper as he gently started to sponge the vomit off of my face neck and chest while his soft fingertips traced over the long raised white raised scars that criss-crossed over every patch of skin the worse ones being on my breast.

Emmet had always hated the scars on my breasts the most and when I was younger and still cut there theses where also the ones he had the most trouble excepting as he tried to wash them off and path me up. I had asked him why once and he said he wasn’t sure exactly but he felt like it was something to do with bar the vagina in was one of the most delicate and sensitive parts of the woman’s anatomy and it must of hurt like hell every time I ripped them apart. All my self harm hurt him but this seemed to effect him the worse and I remember the one time he had found out I had crossed that line even more and cut my vagina I heard him sobbing in the bathroom after he had dealt with it and that was the last time I ever abused that part of my body.

“I don’t think your flawed either,” Emmet said again gently after a few moments of what looked like deep thinking. “I think you’re hurt, but definitely not flawed, that would imply you are less then perfect and you’re perfect to me.” He confirmed.

“I can’t see that, please don’t get mad at me but I just can’t see it when I look at my self and now I just feel stupid, completely embarrassed and ugly.” I moaned as Emmet took of my Jeans and underwear before starting to sponge down my legs with the warm soapy water, his fingers once again brushing over the newer red scars on the top of my thighs.

“Why would I get mad at you, I know you cant see it and I think right now, you are struggling with your eating disorder and you have been for a while even though you have only just realized it your self.” Emmet said once again very softly as he finished with my legs and helped put my arms into the sleeves of the hospital gown, lying my bed down again once he had finished.

“If I really have got an eating disorder again Emmet, a war is coming. Can you really do that again?” I asked for my own reassurance, if he didn’t think he could do it I knew I wouldn’t have been able too.

“For you I would stand on the front line a million times.” Emmet soothed wiping the tears off of my cheeks with his thumb before pressing his lips against mine; giving me the reassurance that I so needed then. That any fights I would face would not be fort alone.

Thrown a rope

“Well if it isn’t the Bears!” A doctor by the name of Leo said after he had closed the curtains behind him and opened his arms to receive a hug by Emmet before he come over and kissed me on the cheek.

“Well if it isn’t Emmet’s worst man.” I laughed pecking Leo back on the cheek before he grabbed one of the chairs in the room and straddled it backwards glancing over the monitor that I had been strapped up to with many leads that all got tangled around me.

“So how are we both, it must have been what five days since I saw you both last, I tell you, it’s a travesty I must see my god daughter at least every day or I suffer cute withdraw you know! So any way why do we have your lovely wife wired up to the national grid right now Emmet?” Leo laughed picking him self off of the chair to press some of the buttons on the monitor that made the blood pressure cuff blow up again.

“Umm the lovely wife is lying here you know Leo, you could always just ask me.” I suggested.

“Well go on then tell me all about it. What can my mad doctoring skills help you with today?” Leo laughed.

“I fainted a few times when I was out and Emmet panicked. other then that I have a few grazes on my knees and a cut on my arm that could probably do with a few steri- strips but that aside, I am all good so can I go home now?” I asked smiling.

“I would like to see you walk out of here.” Leo said after checking the results of my blood pressure “I reckon you would be flat on the floor before you even got out of the cubical.” He said again before tilting the bed so my legs where hoisted up into the air.

“Well this is dignified, what with my being in a gown and all!” I moaned trying to arange a blanket so it sat over my legs.

“Ah I have always wanted to get your legs in the air,” Leo winked.

“Ohy! What have I said about shamelessly flirting with my wife?” Emmet joked slapping him in the back. “If it wasn’t for that fact you had a boyfriend at home I would have to deck you, you know that right… How is Lenny by the way?”

“Lens good.” Leo responded before taking a seat next to me again and pulling my right arm over to him which had the burns on them examining each one with interest and before I new it I begin to feel my new found calmness escalate back into despair making the heart monitor I was on moan in annoyance to my new bounding heart rate and my breath come quicker in my throat as I stared panic stricken into Leos face like a bunny would into headlights.

“Hay, calm it down Esmee, it’s me your dealing with here, and it’s going to be OK.” Leo said gently placing his hand on the top of my arm his whole personality switching to concerned in the space of moments and here in this change was classic of what self harm did, changed everything for the worse; in the space of seconds it could have your would tumbling down around you.

“So what are these burns from then?” Leo asked even though he, like every one else new and for a moment I hated him because it felt like he was mocking me. He was meant to be our friend, why was he making it worse?

“Leo, you know…” I started to say but he grabbed hold of the top of my arm again and gave me a small wink out the corner of his eye before asking what the burns where from again and at that moment I realised he was not mocking; he was throwing me a rope.

“I was frying eggs,” I said quickly with out even hesitating, “and well you know what they are like, they spat at me and I got burnt.” I smiled before mouthing thank you at him and giving his hand a squeeze.

“Well I think they are fine and wont need any further treatment OK, just keep them clean, and Emmet,” Leo said turning his attention away from me to Emmet, “when you see that frying pan again, give it a kick up the ass for me.”

(Esmee) starting to see (Mi's side)

Starting to see

“Emmet, I still love you,” I moaned softly though my tears as Emmet settled him self on the chair next to my bed but refused to look at me, “Emmet talk to me at least!” I pleaded as once again my pledge of love for him went unnoticed.

“What can I say Esmee, tell me what the hell you want me to say?” Emmet said turning his face towards me that was now once again covered in tears. “You don’t love me, you just found a note, and now you feel like you have to stay.” Emmet crocked, “and I much rather turn you down here and now Esmee then have you stay with me because you feel you have too.”

“Don’t be stupid, I let you go Emmet because I thought I was doing you a favour, I thought that with out me holding you back and bringing you down you would have a beautiful and amazing life. There is no reason on this earth for you to chose to love me, you could take the pick of all women and they would all fall down to there knees and worship you so why the hell did you chose scared, stupid and completely insane me?” I yelped somewhere in between tears hyperventilation and shouting. I understood that I hurt him but why couldn’t he see that uttering all the shit about not loving him had broke me apart inside too.

“Emmet I will do whatever it takes to make you see I am telling the truth here and to make you love me again, I know I had done you wrong and I have let you down but I am so sorry. I will change, I will get better for you Emmet, it will be like I am a whole different person.” I stuttered the tears that streamed down over my face leaving a damp patch on my pillow. “I can be whoever you want me to be,” I whispered.

“You still don‘t get it though,” Emmet whined his voice strained but faint as he tried to keep it even over his own sorrow that had etched it’s self onto its face making him look old way beyond his years as he tried to blink away all his own tears. “I don’t what you to change. I want you healthy and happy but I don’t want you to hide away from me when you are sick. I love every one of those scars because they are apart of you and guess what there is even a part of me that loves Amy as well as she is also a part of you. I don’t want any other women other then exactly what you are, and I don’t want any one to worship me. When I could spend my life worshiping you.” Emmet said his voice wobbling from the passion that came with his tears and his love for me that I was slowly beginning to see was real, for in the reflection of his tears I saw my own and we both wept for the love we might have lost.

“I am not something to be worshiped Emmet, but I can see you love me and maybe I will never understand that but I will try if you come back to me. I will try and except that for some reason I am the luckiest woman alive to be love by a man like you.” I crocked trying to maintain my voice above my crushing sadness.

“But you sounded so sure that you didn’t love me any more Esmee even when I was begging you, you looked away and then throw your rings out of the window like the day I put them there didn’t matter to you any more. It seemed so simple for you to throw away my love,” Emmet moaned.

“You through yours first, I had to do it to show that I was willing to let you go even though inside my heart braking apart.”

“But I didn’t throw mine.” Emmet said gently his teary jade eyes burning though me as he put his hand into his pocket and pulled out the gold wedding band that I though he had thrown away forever.

“Maybe you should look closer at my hand.” I said gently my bitter tears turning to happy one as Emmet caught sight of my Eternity, wedding and engagement rings still staked neatly upon my finger and he come over and placed his hand In mine before wiping his tears away with the back of his spare hand and whispering the words it felt like I had been waiting forever to here,

“I love you too.”

(esmee) Nothing Is fine (Mis side)

Nothing Is fine

“This is not self harm.” I said turning on my award winning smile as I searched my head for a suitable excuse of the marks on my arms. Of course all of them would be would be far fetched nothing left perfect circular burns like the ones on my fore arm but I would fight them any way, they could not take me back into hell with out a fight.

“I was cooking eggs and you know how they spit, well they caught me awkward, Emmet can vouch for me, he was there.” I had no idea what his reaction was going to be but I had to have trust in him somewhere, before all this he loved me, before I opened my mouth he would of lied for me and maybe he would just one more time.

“I saw her do it, she’s right.” Emmet said forcing a smile for the paramedic before looking away from me again; it seemed extended eye contact hurt him to mush.

“Well I still want to take you in OK make sure there is no underlying reason for why you had the faint, and you blood pressure is still quite a bit lower then I would like it to be If I was going to leave you here.” The paramedic said looking like Emmet and my self may have been planning world domination behind his back. He had not believed my excuse about the burns and why should he have? I would have to of had super powers to make any one believe this one.

“I will go to the hospital, I don’t want to but if you think it is best of course I will,” I smiled again trying to find the despair that was somewhere inside of me, inside I knew there was little hope of me coming through this one with anything that mattered still intact, I was going to lose my husband possibly my job and my foster sun in the space of a few hours; suddenly the world span again and I could feel the blackness try and tug me under as the nausea rose in my through making me swallow heard.

“Are you feeling Ok my love, you don’t look so well any more.” The paramedic asked the form of his face floating somewhere in front of my eyes. I tried to focus on him but I could hardly stop my eyes from rolling in the back of my head.

“Esmee Honey!” The paramedic shouted shaking my shoulders heard as I began to feel my body falling again, “Esmee I’m going to lie you down OK and prop your legs up see if we can make you feel a bit better.” The paramedic yelled as he helped me down to a lying position and the other paramedic held my legs up and immediately I started to feel a bit better. My blood pressure must have been shot.

“It’s all right Esmee, everything will be fine.” The paramedic said gently as he put the oxygen back over my face again but of course that was where he was wrong; nothing was fine.

from her past (Emmet's side)

From her past

“If that is the case you will have to think of a way to make it right.” Esmee smiled slapping me gently on the leg and getting to her feet as the clock on the wall caught her attention.

“Do you think they are any closer to perfecting the time machine yet?” I groaned trying to wipe the tears out of my clogged up eyes before she caught sight of them. My tears hurt her the same as her’s hurt me and I had no business hurting her, even more so after what happened last night.

“Every one of us makes mistakes Emmet, we all go into each day not having a clue what will happen or weather we will be able to deal with what is thrown at us and guess what we all fall on are faces now and again. It’s not about the mistakes we make; it about how we put them right.” She smiled again trying to cover a wince as her jeans moved over the tops of her legs. They where causing her more trouble then she would ever let on.

“You have been in there Esmee as a patient how is she feeling right now?”

“How am I meant to know, I’m not her, she won’t be felling the same as I did when I was in there.”

“Then tell me how you felt?” I begged

“Completely terrified and completely alone; like no one in the world cared.” Esmee said her voice stiff with sadness as her eyes glazed over for a moment she was back in that room, alone and cold, feeling like no one cared.

“Esmee I’m sorry.” I said softly crossing the room and putting my hand on her shoulder making the flash back retreat into her past and her eyes become alive again. I always asked too much of her and regretted it every time I took her experience for granted and called upon it to help me out however I always seemed to do it.

“it’s OK Emmet, if I can help be reliving it that makes it worth while and as I said Mi isn’t me so I can’t tell you what she is feeling, but I felt so alone in there, and so scared, she needs someone in there with her and yes she will probably swear and rant at you but it’s just because she’s angry as well as sad and that’s hard to understand. In short it’s a storm, weather it with her Emmet,” Esmee said gently wiping the solitary tear off of the side of her cheek before smiling warmly at me again making it feel like the light had been aloud back into the room,

“I have to go; I got obs and you know what to do Em; if any one can help her it’s you.”