Gut reactions
Esmee
“You see Esmee, that look, you remember it too.” So tell me how and why I should leave my ten year old here?” Ruby smiled as I tried to rearange my face into a more profeshonal smile at the end of it Madeline needed to be admitted wither this way or under a secton from the mental health services. She was growing up now in the eyes of the profeshonals and they would not let such extreme psychosis go untreated long in what they now called an adolescent. In short it would be better for everyone if I could persuade Ruby that apple gate house was actually the best place for her ten year old daughter even though I scarcely believed it my self.
“You should leave her here because I truly believe that this is where Madeline needs to be.”
“She needs help, she needs the oaks. It’s bright there and happy and there are little children like her and she could play there and get better but here there is nothing! Just pain and teenagers all of them years older then her and half of them that wound sooner hack there own arm off then talk to another teenager let alone talk to a child that is likely to tell them that the mother ship has infected there brains.”
“I get that I do, but honestly Ruby when was the last time that Madeline actually played with friends? When was the last time you looked at her and thought she isn’t sick? The Oaks has a bright outer shell with posh beds and a posh sensory room but it is so far away from a day nursery it is unreal and I think that is what you’re picturing it as. I spent some time there when I was training and not to sound cocky but I have the duel training and the experience that unit would kill for, meaning if I applied for a job they would probably jump on me but I know I could never work there because I still remember it being one of the most hellish things I did. Maybe ruby they are just throwing more money at the situations that suck the most.”
Defeated all over again ruby shrugged her shoulder and walked towards the main front door her boots dragging over the ground making a crunching sound against the lose paving underneath.
“Maybe your right maybe the oaks isn’t the right place for her,” Ruby said gently turning to me as two fresh tears marked her cheeks, “but at least there I could walk through the front door without feeling like I’m going to throw up.”
Bua news travels in doctor form
Mi
Sighing I got off of my second hand bed and pulled out my sketch book from the small pile of personal things piled in the corner of my room next to the wardrobe. When I was younger I had liked drawing a lot but as with everything else the passion went away as I grew older and people got meaner. Arabella had always told me that I had an amazing talent and asked me to draw her over and over again but she always said I was good at everything where in reality I wasn’t really good at anything and I gave up drawing, however apple gate house was boring and some subjects had kindled my imagination and after all it wouldn’t hurt if I didn’t show anyone.
“It still smells of you in here you know.” I moaned addressing one of the many badly sketched outlines of his face. The form was there but not the eyes I had spent hours sketching him but the eyes where never right and how the hell could they be. His eyes where universes.
“I miss you as well you know, and how the hell did that happen? I never miss anyone ever, apart from you, and them of course and to top it all off I get the room that smells of you still.” I groaned pushing my sketch book off of the bed so the pages turned to a almost finished picture of Esmee and Emmet in an embrace their heads so close together that there noses touched but still there eyes where wrong., they where so shallow and meaningless when in reality The blackness of Esmee’s eyes went deeper then I had ever seen and Emmet’s where so full of love it was infinite.
“Did you draw these?” A voice asked behind me and I jumped twenty foot into the air before rolling in a bunch of arm and legs off of the bed in a tied up ball.
“Hay hay, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to startle you Doctor Jordan smiled holding out a hand to help me back up onto the bed.
“Its fine, it’s fine. What have I done this time?” I groaned glancing up a doctor Jordan at the same time as wiping the evidence of the tears the drawings of Connors had caused.
“That’s nice, every time you see me you think you have done something wrong or you are going to be told off. That’s not exactly a healthy relationship to have with your doctor. I have said it over and over again Mi you are not here for punishment your in here because I knew you needed help and if you remember rightly in a round about way you asked for that too.
“So what have I done wrong this time. “ I smiled “I may not be here for punishment but the only reason you have ever come in my rook to tell me something is if you are angry, want to up my obs or medication or want to insert a tube into one of my many body parts; so what one is it this time?” I asked sighing before gesturing for him to sit on the side of my bed.
“Well I have no plans for anymore tubes to be put in you. Though I wouldn’t mind taking a look at the one you got at some point just to make sure that everything is in place.” Doctor Jordan smiled gently, “but that can wait right now, I’m not here for anything in particular to be honest I was just doing a round of the hospital and I saw you in here alone and maybe a little upset and while I wasn’t doing anything I wanted to make sure that you where OK and feeling safe, if not I wanted to know weather there is anything I can do to help you; maybe send someone up to sit with you.”
“No I’m OK,” I said gently. “All of this,” I said gesturing at the walls of my still alien new room “I am kind of getting used to. I’m not sure why and I’m not even sure I want to but I am, maybe I accept it now. I am here and that is damn sure not going to change, I am alive and there is damn sure no way you or any other one of the staff are going to let me change that so I am here and the months are ticking on and even though they promised me a nice foster home with two nice people I am sure I am more likely to be in a room like this for the rest of my life.” Well a least it wouldn’t smell of him forever, if I closed my eyes real tight and wished it away I am sure it would leave eventually.
“Mi there are no planes for you to move to another unit after this one at the moment as you know. Yes we did mention a long term inpatient centre as an option but that was only if you showed no sign’s of improvement and all or if there was no other options. As It stands your foster placement with the Bears is still solid and stable and you are simply awaiting discharge into there care which I will more then happily sign when I am happy with your progress.
Now I was here to tell you that I have two placement visits all lined up for you in the view to an overnight visit over the Christmas period however something you have just said concerned me and I have to act on that before anything else. From what you just said I have to assume that you are suicidal and I can’t just let that go, so it’s time to open up Mi.”
Haunting
Esmee
I saw Ruby’s shoulders slump again as Madeline as Madeline didn’t take a second glance back at her mother as she gladly took hold of Emmet’s hand and aloud her self to be pulled Into the building.
“He really is very good Ruby.” I assured gently watching as she stared numbly after her daughter until she was out of sight.
“I can’t believe I am allowing this to happen to her.” Ruby mumbled still staring into the entrance hall of the building. “All the doctors had all been trying for over 18 month to get me to agree to admit Madeline into the Oaks but I fort it all the way and I still wanted to but she started trying to hurt her self because her “friends” told her to and I am just so tired, and there is no way I can watch her twenty-four hours a day.” Ruby said gently the tears welling up in bother her eyes and spilling down over her cheeks again as she looked down at her empty hand where her daughter had been gripped only a few moments ago.
“Am I really tired enough for this though?” She asked her self numbly “I agreed to the Oaks not this place I am making her a gate kid and people always pick on the gate kids, I know what they all say, and on her birthday as well.” Ruby moaned rubbing her hands roughly over her face.
“It has changed her Ruby, I promise.” I said gently going over to her and placing a hand on her shoulder. “The set up is different and all the rules are different and we can look after her here. She won’t be aloud to hurt her self here, we will keep her safe” I assured gently not knowing what she must be feeling inside. Even if Mia was like Madeline, even If she was so clearly mentally disturbed could I have let go of her hand at the door to this place and walked away even if I knew in my heart that they could keep her safe?
“I know how they keep you safe here Esmee.” Ruby said firmly her now fierce eyes coming up to lock onto mine. “I watched as they threw you to the floor with out mercy and stuck a needle up your arse in front of every one before locking you in a windowless cell for a week. I have had my legs swept out from underneath me by a staff team that are twenty times stronger then me, and I can still feel that fear. I still remember the bruises left.” Ruby croaked out her eyes becoming haunted and for a few seconds, my own eyes mirrored hers.
It smelt of him
Mi
I had been moved to a new room which was up on the second floor and I didn’t like it. There was nothing spectacularly different with the room, it actually looked ever so slightly bigger then dream and the colour wasn’t particularly bad and that wasn’t mentioning the fact that this floor had no nurses station overlooking the rooms from the corridor but I had decided that it still somehow smelt of him and I didn’t like it.
Out of all the rooms they had the choice to put me in tranquillity seamed almost mean considering that fact that summer, mark and Echo had all moved at the same time and had not managed to get a room that smelt of him still.
Closing my eyes gently I tried to chase away the feelings that exploded around me when ever I thought about the little bits of him that had made me human for a while. How His lips felt when they where locked around mine, how his messy brown hair felt in my fingers, how my heart thumped so alive and so warm inside my chest when we walked near me or how he stared at me with such an intensity it felt like his eyes could kill me or save me.
.
Breathing slightly heavier from the memores I pulled the piece of paper out from my bedside table and straitened it out before staring at the curious cursive of his had writing on the short note he had given me when he left that also contained his number.
Dear Mi
I can’t believe I found you, maybe I should have told you before now and maybe writing this in a note isn’t the best idea but I have to tell you now or I never will, I think I love, no I know I love you.
Get better
Fight this
Call me
Conner
That was it just over fifty words and a mobile number wrote underneath begging me daily to call it though I never could bring my self to do it. When he had given me the letter and asked for my number in return I had begged my self to say something and I had pleaded with my body to work for just s few seconds so I could write my number for him on a piece of paper but it hadn’t and now I had no idea where he was or what he meant by he loved me. No one ever loved me and we had only touched twice. Had he felt the same sparks as I had; the same desire that had swept through me on all levels?
There were so many questions to ask so many memories that had been photographically imprinted on the inside of my head, and still the room smelt of him.
Letting go
I knew I shouldn’t have been but I had to admit that I was slightly taken aback by how this little girl that looked as fragile as glass had such doubts about my moral values and let them be known in such a blunt way to my face after meeting me for a few seconds. Saying that I was not offended or embarrassed more amused and it took a lot of will power to stop my self from laughing however Ruby had turned a rather convincing shade of lobster red and had instantly dropped to her knees pulling a giggling Madeline in close to her.
“Madeline I have told you a thousand times that that is not a nice thing to say and those words are horrible, now I want you to say sorry to Esmee.” Ruby ordered pointing in my direction but it was clear that Madeline had not heard a word that her mother had just said and she starred right threw her mumbling expletives under her breath.
“Rubes it’s fine, I understand.” I said gently as I saw her shoulders sag like the energy had been sucked out of her before she pulled her self to her feet and looked at me two fat tears falling down over her cheeks.
“It’s not fine Esmee. How did you work out any of that to be fine?” Ruby croaked her shoulders sagging even more as Madeline pulled on the grip of her mother’s hand. “I didn’t bring her up like that and I don’t even know how she knows those words because I have never used them around her.” Ruby said exasperated her voice close to a sob, “I’m just so tired Esmee, she is like this almost twenty four hours a day.” Ruby whispered crying harder as Madeline pulled on her arm and she staggered slightly.
“Come on Honey.” I said gently to Ruby gently putting my hand on her fore arm, “Lets get you inside and we can talk there are people waiting to get Madeline all settled in” but Ruby froze solid at the front door her body stiffening involuntary as she tried to push her foot inside the front door before stepping back and sighing deeply her eyes scanning over the building taking in ever brick the screamed out at her with a sick familiarity.
“Is everything all right out here?” I heard Emmet ask from behind me before he slipped out the door to stand beside me making Ruby’s eyes almost pop out her head as she observed him, “Some one told me that Madeline arrived so I thought I could help with her admission.” Emmet smiled cheerily.
“I was hoping to have a chat with Ruby; maybe you could take Madeline in and get her some juice or something?”
“No, you take her Esmee, I rather you take her; he’s just a bit… Well I’m sure he is very good at his job but well I mean Madeline is just very small and well you know I just think she would be happier with…” Ruby babbled
“I agree he’s huge.” I nodded summing up what Ruby was trying to say in one sentence, “and he has tattoos and big mussels not to mention the fact that it looks like he eats children for breakfast and fights grizzly bears for lunch but I can guarantee you he has the personality of a teddy bear and the bite of a goldfish.”
“Goldfish have no teeth,”
“Exactly, and I know these things: I have been married to him for five years.” I smiled wrapping my arm around his waist to prove the point.
“I can guarantee you Madeline’s safety with any of our staff Mrs Jinks. We are all trained to high standards and we all have a CRB check.” Emmet smiled trying to sedate Ruby but as I expected his efforts to try and pacify her was almost met with searing and an even bigger distrust of him. As EX clients of Apple gate we had both heard all the tried and tested lines before and would both respond negatively to them, Emmet’s speech even had me rolling my eyes
“No offence Emmet but you can spill all that crap from your lips as much as you want but it will not wash over me. Just because you have passed a CRB check doesn’t make you a nice person and just because you have sat in a class room and had people drum information into you doesn’t mean you will respond well to my daughter or treat her as a human being. Now I understand that Madeline is not perfect, in fact I can tell you some of the things she says are just plain awful but I do love my child but she is the way she is because she is sick.” Ruby said defensively pulling Madeline in close to her side as she looked over her shoulder looking like she was debating weather she was going to make a bee line back to her car.
“Ruby we are not perfect but it has changed here and we honestly do try her best,” I said gently “and Emmet is honestly the very best staff nurse that the unit has, I can guarantee you that, and that isn’t to do with any qualifications that he may or may not have.” I said firmly but gently and with that for the first time in ten years Ruby sighed dropped her shoulders and let go of her very sick daughter’s hand.
Writers block sucks badly! i am begining to think i am losing my talanet as a writer. The ideas are well cemented in my head but the ability to write them down and make aq good chapter has gone AWOL. So i really apoologize if these chapters stink. If they are please let me know so i can reconsider and try again.
love vikki
Birthday arrivals
Esmee
A week later Emmet and my self came into work and turned into the staff office to see New admission Madeline Jinks arriving today at 9am in big red letters with Emmet myself Lauren and Edward assigned as her key worker. Underneath there was three bulging files with her name written on it. There was also a very firm note on the board in even bigger writing in her name that said “Never call her Maddie!”
“Well she sounds interesting.” I said smiling as I went over and grabbed the firs of the bulging folder and flopped down on one of the more comfy chairs in the office to have a read of the files.
“Look at her date of birth.” Emmet said thoughtfully as he stared at the board and before grabbing another of the files on her and come to sit next to me. I flipped to the front of the book.
“Christ Emmet it’s her birthday.” I said having to look twice at her date of birth to make sure I was seeing it right. “Why the hell would they do a planned admission on her birthday of all days, she’s only 10. She should be wearing party dresses and playing musical chairs or something.” I confirmed “Not being admitted to a psyc unit. I could understand if she was coming across from The Oaks but according to this she isn’t. She ‘s living with her mother.”
“Abusive mother maybe.” Emmet suggested nonchalantly as he flicked past half of the file until he found something that he deemed worth reading.
“If it was abuse they would have got her out no matter what her age was and she is a planned case not an emergency.”
“Well. I guess we will find out in about three hours.” Emmet smiled.
Madeline
At precisely nine am the main front door buzzer signalled in the office and on the grainy CCTV footage I could make out a young woman with a little girl holding her hand. And swinging it aimlessly around as she looked suspiciously around at her new surroundings and even from the poor CCTV image I could see why her mother was not happy with her daughters admission to Apple gate house and she intended to try and contest It for her daughter to be aloud to go to the Oaks instead.
The Oaks was another impatient unit but for children from three to nine with severe and debilitating mental health problems are in rare cases learning disabilities. It unlike apple gate house was a purpose built new state of the art building that had Millions of pounds thrown at it. It was a ten bed unit which come in the form of two wards of four and one shared room of two and bed available for mum or dad to stay with there child if they wished. There was a dinning room a parent’s kitchen, a day room, a lounge, an art room and even a state of the art sensory room that was full of fiberoptics, bubble lamps, smoke machines and anything else that could interest a child. There was still of course the clinc that looked exactly the same as our and there where three ECA’s that they called the chillers. These rooms as cool down rooms where brilliant and for as long as I can remember I had been trying to put pressure on the funders to throw some money at her ECA‘s to make them the same, but apparently there was as always no money. There rooms where all foam like ours but painted in multi colours with murals and things painted on it making and it was proven that it made children respond and calm faster then plain walls did.
Heaving my self from my chair in the office I rubbed my tummy twice debated weather I was going to throw up or wet my self for a few seconds before I decided I wasn’t going to do either and went to the front door opening it with my card key.
Looking at Madeline in the flesh made it even more painfully obvious why her mother did not want her daughter to be here. Even though she was 10 years she had the body of a small seven year old and she looked as fragile and dainty as a procaine doll. She had silvery blue eyes and very long eye lashes that framed them perfectly and her checks where complete with freckles, dimples and her own blush. Her hair was platinum blond and wispy that was tied up in two pink bunches on the top of her head and she wore pink rimmed glasses with white bunny’s on the arms and a discreetly placed hot pink hearing aid behind both ears ear.
“Esmee! Little monster! It’s me, Ruby, Ruby Jinks!” The mother of the child shouted knocking my out of my observation of the child that was holding onto her with one had.
“We used to live here together! Remember! You work here now! That’s great! I was so worried about Madeline coming!” Ruby spluttered, “Madeline this is Esmee, say hello and be nice.” Ruby said sweetly pulling her child around so she had to look at me.
“Hello Madeline, how are you?” I asked. Madeline looked at me suspiciously for a while before pulling her face into a huge smile showing a gummy gap in her front teeth before opening her mouth and yelling “You’re a fucking whore!” At the top of her voice.
I can't write at the moment! I hate it and i am fairly sure i am producing poop but i really dont want to stop alltogether so this is a stab at a chapter.
The only drugs I really needed
Mi
Later that day Esmee had come up and got me from my room and towed my reluctant body down to Doctor Jordan’s office for yet another crisis appointment. I had told her not to bother, I had told her that I had moaned about my tablets to him a million and one times before I had given up completely but as always she was stubborn and refused to back down and she took me there anyway where she fort heard for me…and won.
My tablets where changed instantly and a fair amount was taken away until Esmee was happy and Doctor Jordan looked as battered down as what I felt just sitting there and watching the battle. On a number of occasions he had asked for my opinions on the situation but I just blindly agreed with Esmee knowing whatever she had planned to achieve would be in my best interest.
It took three days for the vomiting to stop and four more for my mood to stabilize. But within the space of a week I was feeling almost human again. I of course didn’t know how much of that was to do with the fact that my blood stream wasn’t so poisoned by tablets and how much of it was to do with the fact that Emmet and Esmee got back into the swing of there shifts easily Filling in most of the giant pit of despair that had been punched into me.
I almost hated my self for the fact that I allowed my self to get drawn back in to Emmet and Esmee again. They had left me with out a good bye and before I knew it there disappearance had been the one thing that really made me feel the worse.
Something inside of me shouted all the time that shouldn’t have got as close to them I should have ran away and even though I hadn’t then I should now but I didn’t and there was no way I could ever bring my self to pull away from them so like it or not they now seemed stuck somewhere bang smack in the middle of my life but maybe that wasn’t as bad as it seemed, Maybe Sophie had got it wrong all along when she told me I would be better alone after all I was nothing before I met them. I lived and I breathed and I wondered through life just wishing it Away. In short maybe Esmee and Emmet where worth feeling bad over because with the exception of Arabella no one had ever made me feel as good. Maybe Esmee and Emmet in reality where the only drugs I really needed.
