This cannot end well

This cannot end well

I stopped pacing instantly and snapped my body around to look at Esmee. I scrutinized every part of her body to try and see what she was playing at. I had had an out and out ban on running since I had walked into the unit. In fact I had had an out and out ban on any type of exercise unless it was monitored closely and anything that was allowed even then was not considered hugely calorie burning. Running was. I craved the power and energy of running again to have my heart really pounding inside of my chest and the muscles burning in the backs of my legs. I could run away from everything in the actual act of running. That was what made it so hard to stop.

“It’s night time. The rest of the staff won’t be happy you taking me out running, shouldn’t I be getting ready to sleep?” I asked the question in a half-hearted attempt to try and not to sound as elated as I actually did, my insides where doing back flips in there triumph and I had already physically moved over to my bed and pulled my trainers on with force.

“Nope they won’t be, that’s very true, but tell me honestly without this is there any chance of you actually going to sleep? Or is there more of a chance of you trying to break your arm on one of this walls. I rather run for a few minutes then spend the night in the Emergency department.”

I did not argue wither her further. Her decision fucked with my head but an older voice was fucking with it more and the promise of a run I could not ignore. Not even if I knew here was no chance of it actually ending well.

importance

Importance

The room span back into focus and then out again before I could find any solid ground. I was torn between the reality and the current news of the situation I was in and the painful past. Esmee’s bump was not Oscar. It was a new baby in there. It was twelve weeks into its creation and it was beautiful and that is what I knew I should have felt. I should have been happy about this. I should have congratulated her and smoothed the bump under the fabric of her top  but I couldn’t manage the words or the actions. Oscar had been thrown away with the clinical waste and that was more important that a new life… maybe.

“Try and focus on my voice Mi. I know it is difficult when you head is trying to pull you away but you have had the flashback, you have let it happen and now it is just torching you.” I could feel Esmee shift her grip on my hand and briefly I could snap away from any thoughts of the solid mass amongst the blood or how his body twitched and contorted … I felt the breath squeeze out of my lungs with a yelp allowing the nausea to take its place in the pit of my stomach.

“Push against it, control it, It happened and it was terrible but it’s exactly that a memory. It is not important right now.”

“Well at least this way you won’t have to worry about a baby,” A nameless nurse said gently to me after she caught me sobbing in the hospital bed over the empty shell of my bump. He hadn’t moved in three days from within me. Nothing had been using my bladder as a trampoline and I missed it. I missed all of the little things.

“You are just a baby yourself. This is a blessing in disguise. You may think you wanted it. You may even think that you loved it but in a few months you won’t remember that you even had this inconvenience. It’s not important…”

“HE WAS IMPORTANT!” I Shrieked at Esmee suddenly the whole of me back in the room with her. She was now the focused point for all of my emotions. I loved her and I hated her. I wanted her to leave but wanted her to stay with me forever at exactly the same time. I wanted to scream at her and wanted to hug her. Every emotion short circuited against its exact opposite and they fort with each other. I was so angry. I had always hated anger like I felt it then. I wanted to lash out, like my hands and feet needed to punch and kick and I had to physically hold them back no matter the pain it caused me. Emotion told me to rip Esmee apart, to hurt her. Logic and love knew that she as actually an object of my affections;  she was never someone to hurt.

“I don’t care how fucking old I was! He was my son!” I screamed and stamped my feet to try and release some of the energy in my limbs, to try and gain some control over my rampaging body. It felt like something in me was physically pushing my limbs out towards the walls. I wanted to open my skin just to be distracted.

“It wasn’t his fault that he was born too little and too tiny! He was scared and he was cold and I couldn’t even cuddle him or sing him to sleep! They put him in the trash because they said he wasn’t important but he was! He was just a little baby!”

Esmee got to her feet from my bed and moved awkwardly towards me. Her face was in an expression I hadn’t seen before like she couldn’t quite to decide what feeling she should have been feeling or how she wanted to deal with it. I knew that she was very aware of my current mental state; I could see her eyes judging what I could harm myself with. She wondered whether she could reach me before I ploughed into a wall but she also fought with it, like somehow she wondered whether stopping me would have really been in my best interest, or if the rolls where reversed she would have been able to survive if someone stopped her.

“He was important, it’s important. I used the wrong words because I make mistakes. I really am sorry. I wish I could have a better word or said nothing at all, but I can’t. I fucked up, a lot.” The words sounded strange as Esmee spoke them like she had to monitor them and even then she had grimaced after she used them. They still didn’t sound right inside of her head and that was for one simple reason - what words could have sounded right? How could you really ever console a mother that had watched her child die?

I grunted without words and turned away from her as I started to pace across the floor of my room at the same time as one of my hands pulled at my hair and the other tried to get my clipped nails to do some damage to the skin on my arms.

“Come walk with me,” Esmee prompted as I passed up and down the room harder while whimpering. I shook my head pushing my nails into the scare on my face until I could actually start to feel wetness gathering underneath them. Walking wasn’t helping, it wasn’t going to help it didn’t hurt or distract me. It was painful enough. I could still feel him.

“The come and run with me instead.”

laptop back and im writing chapters!!

OK laptop is back and I am starting on more chapters. That's if there is anyone there. Have you all ran off and left me guys?

bye bye computer

Hi everyone.

My computer has fallen ill again! It is so highly annoying! *grumble grumble* but that means there won't be an story for a while because I had to send it to the hospital (Well at least to PC world)

Sorry everyone. It annoys me too! I love my laptop!

So se you around when it gets back I hope!

Three seconds he gave to us *read warning*

*Warning notice* This chapter is fairly horribal. It is very graphic and containse a lot of hard issues that could really easily distress you. I hated writing this, but like so often it is with this story i felt like i just had to. It made sence for me to do it, however it is horribal to read and on a factual basis i am not sure there is much truth in it either but that is the same with the whole story. I am not a doctor. I have no idea about medical things. So to sum up. Nasty chapter be sure that you want to read before you blindly do. I can not put that across enough. thanks! stay safe Vikki x.

 

 Three seconds he gave to us.

The months of my pregnancy forced their way through my head, not one piece of it staying there long enough to work out where it was exactly. My tummy expanded for 21 weeks. He grew inside there. He moved against the walls of my womb and I felt him. I could hear his heart beating and I had been handed two scan photos on white card with the gold lettering “the first time you saw me.” I loved him. It was unconditional. It was beautiful. The origin of him didn’t matter. He was perfect… Then he was gone. Just two weeks later they would have tried for him at the very least and not called him a product of miss carriage. Just one more stupid moth, thirty tiny days inside of me would have given him up to an 80% chance of surviving. He would have been three, older then Mia. I got some blurry photos and some crap about being thirteen, like my age meant that somehow I shouldn’t have cared. The number thirteen was used as an excuse to just throw him and my feelings away in the trash. I would never feel the kind of love again that his beating heart gave to me. The loss of him made my whole body scream with pain. The memory of the first time I saw him obliterated me…

I screamed as Arabella removed my jeans and my underwear and a gush of pure red blood pooled from me onto the floor at the same time as she gave answers to the person on the other end of the phone at the ambulance centre. We both saw it at the same time, something solid amongst the blood and we only realized the horror as the solid thing twitched twice shuddered then fell still. It was Oscar – It was my precious little baby, the pinpoint for all my love. He was tiny and deformed about the size of long pen. He gave three seconds of life to us – less than that. He must have been terrified and cold and alone. I was his mother I should have made all the pain go away for him. I should have been able to protect him and he should never have felt any fear, or the cold. I was meant to keep him warm. He needed a blanket. Somewhere soft to lie. Someone to sing to him as he left, so he wasn’t scared.

I tried to reach for him but I couldn’t, there was no blood left in me to work my muscles and my head span. Arabella reacted though, she grabbed a hand towel from my bed and bent over him before slipping a hand under his back, she hummed gently … then there was black. I came around three days later my bump had gone… he had gone… Nothing.   

The bells, the bells!

I feel i may be a little bit more back on track with this chapter. Good times!

 

The bells, the bells!  (damn right I would make a good Quasimodo)

 “Evening honey,” Esmee smiled as she pushed open my jarred door at about nine thirty that evening to take over from the later shift. It was surprising at home much I had missed her over just one day of her absence. I liked it when she was at work and dreaded the shifts when both of them where at home together. It was a stage feeling and not one that I liked very much but something was changing inside me as well. Deep down it felt like I had outgrown these walls, that there was nothing left there for them to offer me. I no longer hated Apple gate house. I no longer yearned for my life back on the other side of the fence. The vast building that had towered over me felt small now and it was almost cosy. A part of me wanted to stay, and that was the reason I knew it was time for me to go. Apple gate house was a safety net. It gave you an existence but not a life and when I arrived that was OK because I didn’t want one. Now - Well I wasn’t sure… maybe I did… if it was with them.

“Is it home time already?” Ava asked with a smile as she pulled herself up from the corner of my room where she had perched on one of my cushions to keep watch. We had made small talk for the first half an hour of the time but after that we had descended into silence while she skimmed through the pages of a magazine while I added details to a picture of Bella. I had stopped drawing her for a while but my heart missed her with an ach still. Drawing somehow managed to sooth it a little bit even if it did make the salty tears bite at the back of my eyes remembering her face. She was another hand that I would never get to hold again.

“It sure is, get out of here while you still can.” Esmee laughed

“Good plan. I have a load of Christmas presents to wrap up still. I bet you are all done being so super organized.”

“Like hell we are,” Esmee chuckled again, giving Ava a breath hug as she hovered at the door. “I have spent the afternoon with Leo, Lenny my mother and Emmet wrestling with Mia a baby and an attic full of Christmas decorations.”

“A baby?”

“oh, yeaah, that happened yesterday. We got landed a one week old as an emergency. They said 48 hours but they have now asked us to have her till New Year and you know what Emmet is like. He can’t turn away a baby, mushy sod,” Esmee smiled before patting Ava on the back and laughing as she left the room waving goodbye to me.

“So how are we doing then sweet? Rough day? Esmee turned her attention to me.

“Something like that,” I moaned clearing a space on my bed where Esmee could sit down, which she did taking my sketch book into her hands for a few seconds and examine the face in the picture with a smile.

“It’s good to see her smiling. She never seemed to do very much of that in her last few months. Poor little girl. You miss her terribly don’t you?

“There’s an ach, it goes away sometimes, mostly when I just wake up and for those minutes it feels like the swelling has gone and I can breathe but then I remember one of them and it sort of comes back . I think you can learn to live with it though, and drawing helps,” I confirmed taking the sketch book back from Esmee when she offered and closing it. I rubbed at my face roughly with my hands to drive away the tears and it worked for a few seconds, like I had managed to pull the fault lines together but the pain come back as they drifted apart and the sickness that come after the ach engulfed me. The thoughts that I hated always came so close after I thought of death that it made it hard to breath. I had lost everyone I had ever cared about at any great length, and I couldn’t care much more about the woman that now lay back on my bed, her head against the wall with her arms wrested on top of her tummy, a relaxed smile on her face. I had tried not to care about her all that much but I had failed. I felt like the grim reaper hanging over her soul ready to strike whether I wanted to or not. She was far too human and far too fragile, are life’s where so easy put out – like candles in a wind.

I shuddered and took in a deep breath trying to bring my head back to the room. She looked the picture of health. She wasn’t going anywhere fast. She had years left of her life and I would be able to spend a few of them with her. I couldn’t ask for much more than that, except maybe a few more, or batter an option of making her immortal. I smiled; Bella would have been a fan of the last idea.

“I have some news.” Esmee said gently after a few minutes of quiet before tapping her tummy once and straightening her back up on my bed.

“I hoped you would have soon. I’ve been waiting for the announcement,” I smiled scouting over on the bed so I was next to her. I paused for a second debating with myself before allowing myself to rest my hand next to hers across her tummy.  

“You already know, well that’s no fun you were going to be the first person I announced it too,” Esmee grumbled in a fake strop, her bottom lip pointing out in the most adorable fashion next to her bright black eyes.

“Know what?” I asked playing dumb for her.

“I’m pregnant honey. 12 weeks. Look.” She took a small white card out of her pocket with the words “the first time you saw me” written on the front in silver.

I had to swallow sickness and hide a grimace with a smile as I curled my fingers around the edge of the textured cardboard so I could open the cover and peer at the grainy image of an outlined baby. I pushed hard back at the flash back that tried to swamp me but it only served to make it worse.  Now only the most painful bits broke through into the forefront of her my memory. I could feel how her hand was on mine – the coldness of the gell and the flashes on the screen – I could remember the elation – here the beating of a tiny little heart. I thought we had had forever.

I squinted hard against the memory’s as I tried to flip open the cover. I pulled my stomach muscles in tight as I dug my nails into the flesh of my leg. Now was not my time to ruin. It was her magic, her baby, her tiny beating heart and I would not ruin it for anything. I could be strong against my own head. I had to be.

“Ok… it’s OK,” Esmee eventually said as I tried with all my effort to make sense of the blurry lines in front of me as his heartbeat thundered like the bells of Notre Dame. She carefully removed the picture from my hand and folded it into her pocket before I could protest that I was fine and I wanted to see properly.

“I’m here.” She budged up closer to me so are side where touching and she laced her fingers through my hand and squeezed tightly, “ We’re going to have this flash back,” she confirmed, “We are going to let It happen, we are going to deal with anything that comes with it then we are going to look at this scan… Together, from now on we are going to do these things together.”   

Welcome to the bears honey

Once again i am not sure this has been taken in the right direction... but i am going with it for now.

Welcome to the bears honey

It took Emmet over four hours to calm me down enough to leave the ECA but I left with a plan on a piece of paper clung to my chest that was going to be hung on the wall beside my bed so when the fear took me I could look at it And hopefully it would calm me down. It was an agreement of how the new arrangement at Newway close was going to work and both of us had made sacrifices on how we would have liked things but it was a start. It was something solid that I could look upon when I was convinced that I would fail. It was a new plan for my life. A better one, and we called it the Newway agreement.

The Newway agreement

14 Newway close will become Mi’s home and not a unit. She will become one of the family, and she will be loved and protected. It will be a safe place with safe people where she will not feel threatened abused or hurt. While the home is a family unit it has to be acknowledged that it is a big step from the hospital and for the first few weeks and months “rules and guidance” around certain issues will have to be implemented to help Mi make the transition into full family living as smooth as one as possible. Mi has discussed some “issues” that she feels “threatened and scared” by in the family home and Emmet and Esmee have agreed on “improving” their home to try and combat these. Mi has also agreed to try very hard  to keep to her part of the deal but is not expected to promise them as mental health issues can be very overwhelming and uncontrollable. Below are the points that have so far been agreed upon.

·         On arrival to the house Mi is to try very hard to hand in all sharps to either Emmet or Esmee for safe keeping. Sharps will be handed out to Mi on her request but if the intended use is self- harm Mi will be expected to try and “hold out” for at least five minutes with either Emmet or Esmee before commencing to cut herself.

·         While Mi is in the possession of sharps an “observation” will be put in place to make sure things are kept at a “safe” level.

·         Sharps will be confiscated if the self- harming behaviour becomes “too dangerous” this will be at the discretion of Emmet or Esmee.

·         Sharps will not be given if it is believed by either Emmet or Esmee that Suicide is the intention for the request.

·         Mi is too only self-harm in her room or her bathroom for Mia’s safety

·         All sharps are to be disposed of in the yellow sharps box for Mia’s safety.

·         A child lock will be fitted to the cupboard with the cleaning chemicals. Getting into to this cupboard will still be fairly easy but the lock will hopefully be a distraction. A note will also be put on the inside of the door encouraging Mi to “scream bloody murder” if she intends to use the chemicals for self-harm.

·         For the time being the knife block will be put into a cupboard with the same precautions as above

·         For however long is needed a lock will be used on the medicine cupboard that Mi will not know the combination to. All tablets are to be kept in this cupboard with no exceptions. In the event of an overdose Mi will try very hard to tell Emmet or Esmee or to seek medical attention.

·         After a good routine is in place and Mi feels comfortable. The lock on the medicine cabinet will sometimes be left off and replaced with a child lock and note. Mi will not be informed when these times are and the cabinet will not be left “unprotected” for any more than four hours at a time.   

·         For the first few weeks Emmet and Esmee’s razors will be locked away with gradual reintegration to their set places in the house.

·         The razor Mi uses for shaving will slowly be introduced to Mi’s bathroom after time.

·         There will be no physical restrictions to the food cupboards but Mi will try hard and be encouraged to seek help if she feels like binging and purging.

·         Meal times are still mandatory. Everyone will eat together in a non-judgemental way.

·         For no more than ten days toilet visits up to an hour after meals will not be allowed unless monitored by either Emmet or Esmee standing outside the unlocked door. This “rule” will also apply if a meal has been particularly “difficult” outside the ten day agreement.

While these things are expected, it has to be known that everyone is human and no one is perfect. People make mistakes and it does not change the love that someone feels inside them. Mi is a part of this family now, and Emmet and Esmee couldn’t be more prod or delighted to have her in their lives. Welcome to the bears honey.