hold her until it's gone

Hold her until it’s gone

“What a good brave choice to make, now how would you like to approach this or would you like me to choose?”

“I have no idea. I’m trusting you remember.”

“Come on then, let’s go down stares for a bit. Esmee will come to.”

I got to my feet and followed as Emmet held one of Mis had and put the other one on her waste to try and steady her as she went down over the stares and into the kitchen flicking on the blinding bright light making Mi cover her eyes or a second or two before Emmet sat her down on one of the kitchen chairs. I allowed myself to approach her now. I wanted to hold her. She was no longer sobbing but she shock and her teeth chattered. Her face was bright red with tears. Her breathing come in shuddering burst her arms cradled up to her chest her eyes hovering over the kitchen cupboards and work surfaces. I was glad we had already removed the knives and put them in a cupboard with child lock. I had no doubt she would have gone for them is she could see them.

“It’s OK. I tried to sooth. Grabbing my own chair and sitting opposite her my legs speed out to go around hers so I could be close enough to touch her. “I know it feels like hell,” I said placing my hand on her shoulder while smoothing her hair behind her ear. I brushed my fingers over her cheeks to remove the fresh tears that fell as she rocked her body forward and backward, her feet tapping the floor.

“Would you like some Lorazepam Mi?” Emmet asked not concentrating as he grabbed a mixing bowl out on of the cupboards before diving into the freezer grabbing out two trays of ice cubes.

Mi shock her head. Roughly dragging her hands across her face before growling slightly before ripping the skin on her arms with her finger nails.

“Try not to sweetheart. You are doing so well,” I soothed again forcing myself not to grab at her hands. Sometime unit life was easier. Sometimes it was more than hard to watch someone slipping away and it was one of those times. 

Mi squeaked but removed her hand as she bent over in the chair her head almost touching my legs, Het back arching uncomfortable as new tears pulled her muscles upwards. “I feel sick.” She moaned.

I got to my feet and went over to the cupboard under the sink and pulled out a bucket that we used for Mia when she was sick before going back to Mi and placing it at her feet. “Just in case,” I reassured just before Emmet came over to us with his bowl of cold water and ice cubes.

“Mi sit up for me a minuet,” He encouraged placing a hand on her back. Mi sat up unsteadily and Emmet put the bowl on her lap.

“Here,” I said taking her hand and placing mine and hers into the freezing water. It was painful but I didn’t care. If this is what she needed this is what she would have. I would have done anything, been anyone, and gone anywhere to make her feel just the teeniest bit more comfortable.

Mi did not react to the ice her body still rocked and her tears still fell if it had given her the shock of pain we were hoping for she did not show it. If it was helping it didn’t register on her tortured face but she did not protest either as her finger curled and uncurled around an ice cube however it did not last long and very suddenly she took her hands out of the water almost spilling it on the floor, passing it over to me so she could get up and pace the kitchen floor tiles. It wouldn’t help she would be crawling time the end and I couldn’t stand it. There was nothing I could do part from watch her fail and watch her fall farther away and I couldn’t catch her.

“Make it stop,” Mi plead to anyone that would listen “I want to cut so badly!” She sobbed “but I want to stay here with u. I love you!”

Emmet moved before I could and without a word of warning scoped Mi up off the floor and into his arms like a baby. Mi sobbed harder but did not protest as she wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face deep into his still bear chest.

I got the doors from him as he mover her from the kitchen back up the flight of stairs to our bedroom again. “Lay down Esmee.” He said to me and I did I was told not really sure what his pan was, then gently laid Mi on the bed next to me her back to mine. “Just hold her,” He whispered to me.

He didn’t have to ask me twice that is exactly where I wanted her. Inside my arms. Close and as safe as I could make her.

“It all going to be all right baby,” I whispered close to her ear as I pulled her in so her back was up against me chest and my arms around her as tight as I could get them, my legs twisted around hers where she curled herself into a ball. “I’m right here my little darling. I’m right here and I promise I’m going to make it go away.    

take my hand

Take my hand.

 “Ok. It’s OK, try and calm yourself down a little bit. Now have you cut yourself? You’re not stupid and you’re not in trouble if you have but like always one of us will need to see and treat them.” Emmet said offering Mi his hand as I released her from my grip. If she had hurt herself there was no evidence of it. Her arms where clean of new wounds and there was no blood on her cloths or mine however my insides still twisted uncomfortably. I knew what it meant if she had harmed herself. It meant more months inside the unit. More observations and the end to any leave that she had. Worse than all of that I felt like that in some ways I could have prevented it. If I had checked on her at the time I was thinking about doing it a few hours ago I may have prevented her from going so far. It was bad enough seeing her like this knowing that she had had no intervention while she was feeling so “poorly” but if she had actually broke under it that would have made it so much harder to bare.

“No, but I want to. I really want to. I don’t think I can stop myself any longer. It’s too much inside of me. It’s like I’m burning up inside and there is no way out. It is so stupid and I am so sorry but I think I have to. I really can’t stop myself I shouldn’t have woken you up. I should have just got on with it. I would have been Ok then.”

Mi was on her feet and too the door fully sobbing again before either myself or Emmet could stop her. My heart pounded in my chest. I wasn’t really sure why. I wanted to stop her from going. Every part of me wanted to run after her and knock her to the floor. Restrain her until the storm had passed. Hold her tight to me until she had no more tears to cry or feeling to grip at her. I wanted to beg her. Pled her, but I couldn’t. I knew that that would be wrong. We were not in the unit anymore. My responsibilities as a sister, as a parent where a lot different to those as a nurse. I had always promised her things would be different once she was a part of us and I had no intention to go back on my word but I was going through the pits of hell stopping myself. So much so I couldn’t even find words to give her. I was going to let her walk back to her room and cut herself if that was the only way she thought she could manage.

“Mi. You don’t have to go. We are here. We don’t mind staying with you all night if we have too. You don’t have to do this alone at all. We can try things. Distraction. Simulated injury and anything else you can think of,” Emmet said softly getting to his feet but not approaching her as she shock in the hall way just outside our room.

 I could see the war inside her. The urge to flee was immense. I could feel her need; her utter longing to see blood. To feel pain. To stop the burning but she did not run. she remained on the spot swaying slightly from side to side her chest heaving up and down her hands crawling over her arms to find something to hold onto.

You’re not going to stop me?”

“No. You know the agreement. You should have gave the blades to us as soon as you got them. You know you could have always asked for one and we would have obliged but that’s neither here nor there now. You have blades and you have a choice. We will check on you every five to ten minutes if you chose to cut. Then we will sort them out and we will take you back to the unit. I’m sorry but we have no choice about the last bit but you need to know, no matter what you think. You have a choice.”

 

“I don’t… You don’t understand. You try but you don’t know what it’s like. I want it all to go away. Please make it go away.” Emmet moved then. No longer able to restrain himself to the spot and walked towards her. I couldn’t trust myself to move yet I was still far too close to demanding her not to. I knew in a way I was being selfish

. Emmet held his hand out to her as he reached her side but did not make a move to take hers.

“What if I’m sick?” Mi asked looking at Emmet's out stretched hand. She was desperate to take it but it wasn’t easy. “What if I can’t stop shaking? What if I pass out?”

“All those things can be sorted. You vomit we will clear it up. You pass out you will come round and we will keep you safe while you’re out and you will stop shaking. This will get better. You trust me remember.”

And with a nod of her head she took his hand.    

Trust her. (Esmees side)

Trust her  

Esmee

“Emmet. Are you sleeping?” I asked gently from my pillow as the numbers on the bedside clock ticked over from 12 59 to 1am. We had both been in bed for about an hour and Mi for two hours as she said she was tired and wanted to have a shower in a shower that had an opaque shower curtain for the first time in seven months. We had had a wonderful Christmas Eve all in all. There had been a few tears as we had placed the tiny new-born baby into her arms as she arrived into the house but she was soon captivated by the tiny little bundle like me and Emmet where. It wasn’t that she didn’t like babies she told us she loved them but she missed one in particular she could never get back and I felt her pain. Somethings with Mi went so deep I couldn’t believe her resilience. We had played games and watched Children’s Christmas DVD and she had helped me bath Mia and put her to bed with me at seven thirty. Mi was happy but still I couldn’t sleep.

“What’s the matter princess?” Emmet Asked rolling over to face me with a stretch. He had obviously been able to get some more sleep then I had, he wasn’t threating and I knew that neither should I but something was niggling at the pit of my stomach. Mi was brilliant at lying and on her best days she succumbed to darkness I had heard her say she was fine before. Fifteen minutes later I was pulling her unconscious body out of a bath.

“I’m worried and I can’t sleep. I want to check on her but I know I shouldn’t. There has to be an element of trust on both sides if this is going to work and she knows where we are and that she can come and get us any time. I mean your even wearing pyjama bottoms Emmet,” I laughed pressing the palm of my had up against his bare chest before letting my smile drop, but… she could also be dead.”

 

“We have to trust her darling. Or else she will never move on form the unit. I’m worried to. Honestly I am but it feels like we are braking something good if we go and check on her. I believe in her. You should to. I see so much of her in you and look at you now. The prettiest…” Emmet leant over and kissed my neck… “Most perfect woman on the planet. There again you always where to me.”

“You’re right. You’re always right. I love you.”    

******

The next time I looked at the clock it was three am. A tapping coming the corner of the room and somehow interrupted my dreams after I had dropped off after feeding the baby at 1 30 and changing her nappy. It appeared Emmet had heard it too as he turned over to face me one again

“What in the living hell is that?” He asked me his eyes still half closed

“Beats me.” I said turning on the bedside light and swinging my leg out of bed rubbing my eyes. I’m going to go and check on Mia make sure it isn’t her she’s been making escape attempts from her cot recently.”

“No you stay there I go.” Emmet said as the tapping got slightly louder. Emmet stretched as he got out of bed and gave a yawn before going over to the door and opening it before jumping a little hop backwards in surprise.

“I’m…I’m sorry.” I heard Mi stutter before her voice broke into sobbing just outside the bedroom door. The taping had been her knocking the door god knows for how long. She sounded desperate and unhappy like her world was falling apart and some and had been for some time.

I jumped out of bed in one fluid motion instantly no longer sleepy and went over to the door beside Emmet.

“It’s all right. It all right, Give me your hands,” Emmet said gently taking both her hands into his and leading her into the room. “Come and sit down on the bed for us sweetheart, come on.” Mi’s whole body trembled as she allowed Emmet to very slowly lead her over to the bed where she sat down.

 “Try and calm down for me, big breaths.” Emmet went down onto his knees in front of her and took Mi by the hands gently trying to look at her red blotchy soaking wet face. “Come on breath with me. In… out… in… out. That’s a good girl. How long have you been knocking sweet heart?”

“Abo… about… twenty… twenty minutes. I didn’t… didn’t want to disturb… you but… but… i…i…i… I really need your help.”

“Don’t be silly. You should have knocked harder and hollered if that didn’t get out attention. Never feel like that again if you need us you need us that’s what we are there for sweet heart.”

 “You’re… you’re not my nurses tonight.”

“No, we are your parents which is all the more reason for us to be there for you. Now tell me what’s going on.”

This seemed to be too much for Mi and she burst back into tears again. Her body rocking backwards and forwards on the bed. Her whole body shivering. I went over to the bed next to her after shutting the door and sat down wrapping my arms around her body where she clung onto me and Emmet got back to his feet so he could sit on the other side. It was heart breaking to see her like it in our own home even if I had seen her like it thousand times in the unit. It was meant to be a magical time it was Christmas and we loved her but it wasn’t enough and she was falling apart anyway and who new for what reason.

“I… I need to tell you something,” Mi whimpered her head pressed into my shoulder. “But you are going to be so angry with me.”

“Tell us sweetheart. I promise we won’t be angry,” I whispered gently fearing the worse all ready.

“Have you taken something Sweetie?” Emmet asked confirming that he was thinking along the same lines as me. “Swallowed something? Do we need to go to the hospital?”

“No. I bought razor blades while I was out though. I… I got them in my room… and…and I can’t stop myself from cutting. I’m… I’m so stupid.”  

Can i have a miracle?

Can I have a miracle?

I got back to the car just inside my twenty minutes after spending a good ten minutes on a bench outside of the teddy bear shop trying to calm my breath as it vibrated uncomfortably in my chest. I could have done it there and then a few small cuts. One for the pain, one for the anxiety, one for the joy. Just small cuts would have done no arteries needed to be breached. No stitches needed for the skin. I just wanted to see the blood. I wanted to know that I was truly me. Alive on this day at this year and going… home.

“Good timing. Two minutes to spare and all in one peace. Well done. Did you have fun?” Emmet asked. I nodded not trusting myself with words. It would have been easy to scream at them in that moment. I already felt on the verge of a full blown panic attack as my body trembled. Esmee’s eyes grew suspicious as she looked back over the car seat while I slipped myself into the back seat of the car.  

“Are you Ok?” I nodded again still not trusting speech but I made my gestures more enthusiastic. I swallowed hard at the nausea that come from panic and lying to someone who would have never lied to me.

Esmee scowled at me her eyebrows coming into meet at the middle. “Are you safe?”

“Yep all good just out of breath a bit. It’s the weather,” I said in a rush realizing that being mute wasn’t really going to be an option if I didn’t want to alert them. I also smiled showing my teeth even though it hurt to. I was so desperate to give up the blades to them I wanted to go back in time and un-buy them but I couldn’t I just wanted them so much. Just to be there just so I could own them. They were so oddly appealing to me. Like diamonds

.

Emmet Jumped out of the driving seat of the car before I had done talking and jumped in the back seat next to me

“Move seat Es big legs here,” He chirped as his les come up to hit his chin before Esmee slid her seat forward. And he relaxed fumbling around in his pocket for something. “Deep breaths Mi,” he said finding my blue inhaler.

I didn’t need it, My asthma was fine my chest wasn’t tight and I wasn’t wheezing but it was a good excuse for my fast breathing and I played along taking the inhaler twice. Emmet put his hand on my leg as he watched my chest rise and fall intently. I tried to calm myself. It was ok if I didn’t use the blade I would just be the stronger one and it wasn’t like I was trying to kill myself I wasn’t even certain I was going to harm myself. They were just there.

“Better?” He asked.

“Lots.” I said almost successfully pretending to myself that what I done was ok. “Thanks for that. I got what I needed. I’m ready for Christmas now.”

“Good well let’ get you home I know Mia is looking forward to seeing you and Esmee’s mum is going to be exhausted looking after her and a baby. She isn’t used to it,” Emmet laughed and I smiled. It had to be Ok after all it was Christmas and miracles happened.        

christmas shopping

Christmas shopping

All three of us left the unit just after lunch to make our way back “Home” I t was planed the I would spend Christmas Eve and Christmas day night there but if I self-harmed I had to go right back to the unit. There where so many rules that I had to get my head around but the main one was don’t screw up and I was despite not to also with the rules came my brake. I had not been allowed to go out alone since the last time they had tried it on my birthday but they were going to try it again I had twenty minutes a day to myself and I knew exactly how I wanted to spend mine before the shops closed.

“Can you take me into town?” I asked Emmet as he drove around the corner away from the unit. I want to spend my twenty minutes in some shops. After all it’s Christmas and I don’t have you anything yet nor Mia.”

“I can drop you in town and wait for you there if that is what you want but you don’t need to get us anything honey. You have given us all we want just by being here,.” Emmet smiled into his rear view mirror.

“Well I have to get Mia something. It’s Christmas and she’s a baby.”

“And all ready spoilt by her mum and myself. Honestly Mi save your Money for yourself.”

“Please let me.  I really want to. It won’t be much just a little something so I can say that I got her something for the big day.”

“You do what you want. Just have fun OK. Our numbers are on this phone as before. If you need us for any reason please don’t be scared to call we are just going to be in the car anyway ok. You have twenty minutes if you’re not back by then we will call the police and of course you will go right back to the unit. Enjoy yourself.”

I didn’t really know what I was going to get Mia for Christmas but I knew what I was going to get her parents I had been drawing a lot over the last few weeks and I had drawn them both together in my time. Even in drawings they fit perfectly together and I planned to give them a drawing each in a frame. It wasn’t much and it was a lot less then they deserved but it was all that I had. I couldn’t afford to buy them anything exciting but it was something and they would like it anyway. They were far too gracious to complain even if they didn’t like it.

It took me about five minutes to buy photo frames but I was still stuck what to but Mia and I was still at war with myself. I wanted blades. I had no idea what I was doing trying to buy them and I knew I was throwing everything away if they ever found out, but what they didn’t known what going to hurt them and besides I didn’t want to use them. I just wanted them. As a very sharp very strange comfort blanket and the pharmacy was so close.

I slipped through the doors like a ghost as I looked around me making sure I was not in sight from anybody and made my way over to the shaving products. There was so many, all easy to do harm with. All of them waiting with intent to open my veins but I knew what I was looking for. With a choice I always went for the same ones and I swiped them off of the shelf and stalked over to the checkouts to pay. I knew it was wrong. I knew I was ruining everything but at least it wasn’t pills. I on purposely made a choice to avoid the shelf of pain killers. I still didn’t know if I could trust myself.

I found it hard to breath from the supposed thickness of the air that was inside the pharmacy but felt better once I got out into the cold winter air. I had got away with it. I just had to find somewhere to hide them on my body so Emmet and Esmee couldn’t see them then find something for little Mia.

Finding something for Mia was to be easier then I first thought after I crossed the road and stared into the window of the collectable teddy bear shop. A cuddly bear for such a cute little bear seemed more than perfect and even though it was sort of expensive I did not hesitate to hand over the money for the pink ball of fluff that was so rightly called Amelia.

c

I knew this Christmas could go either way I could make it work or it could go down in flames. The trouble was I didn’t know what was closer to my heart.  

   

    

       

it's the most wonderful time of the year.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year

Christmas came as it had threatened to and with it mixed feelings took over the unit. They had decorations and Edward wore a Christmas Jumper that played music on the lead up to the big day but as expected it was almost muted from inside the walls, like the outside worry didn’t exist for us Esmee and Emmet tried to keep me as involved as I wanted to be by telling me what they had gotten each other and what they had gotten Mia. They promised me Mia was a gem to look upon when opening wrapping paper and that my dreams of playing wither her throughout the day where almost guaranteed. I was scared but a part of me was almost excited so much so I smiled when I looked in the mirror on Christmas Eve morning and laughed when I saw the dusting of snow on the ground outside of the window. I had never seen snow at Christmas it was almost fairy tale like. As close to perfection there was.

“Morning lovely. It’s snowing,” Esmee smiled as she pushed open my door to give me my wake up call. I noticed she wore a woolly jumper with two penguins kissing and a hair band with 3D reindeer on springs sticking out of her hair.

“It is, I have never seen it snow at Christmas.”

“Someone up there obviously knows that this year was extra special. I can finally say I am having Christmas with my full family. Have you got your bag all packed and ready?”

“Yep.” I picked at the scabs on my arms as she talked. She madly seamed more excited than I was and I could abruptly feel the pressure of having to be perfect for the next 48 hours or more. The problem was a small part of me, no matter how insignificant I made it still hadn’t made up her mind. I could have the Christmas of a lifetime surrounded by family in there warm happy house or I could be myself and crap all over it by trying to do something to end my life. It was an opportunity for some sever self-harming that apparently couldn’t ignore.

“Don’t pick your Arms,” Esmee said gently coming over and detaching my fingers that had become bloody in only a way that she knew how. “It’s going to be OK. We know that you are capable of this or we would never ask you to do it. We will take it as slow as we need to, a second at a time and the unit isn’t going anywhere you can always come back early.”

“And fail you again,”

“You won’t be failing anyone. This isn’t about success or failure this is about living and where you are going to live after you get well enough to leave the hospital. If that time isn’t now and you are still poorly enough to need the hospital then that’s the way it is. I’ll wait.  

I took a deep breath and wrested my head against her shoulder where we stood trying to show my gratitude though I didn’t really feel it. No matter what she said it was a failure if I didn’t make it and I had a whole history against me, but I so wanted to be better for her

How I wish we could all be so easily mended

How I wish we could all be so easily mended

“I know they are bad now but these feelings will end eventually,” Esmee promised as I tried to drag my arm away from hers. I felt the lips of the wounds drag against the towel and sting with pain as I protested but she held on not letting the wounds see the light of day again. I wanted to shout at her. I wanted to make sure that she never got to touch me again because it wasn’t fair that she thought she knew what was better for me. It made no difference if I was allowed to bleed and it wasn’t like I wanted forever. I just needed a bit more time. “I need you to think about how this is going to work,” Esmee said firmly after I succeeded in dragging my arm away from hers and took delight in watching as fresh streams of blood poured from the gaping wounds. “You need to settle down and let me stop the bleeding or you will leave me no choice but to get heavy handed with you and do this by force, now how would you like this to work.”

“Because life’s that simple,” I snapped dipping my fingers into the newly formed puddles of blood before smearing them between my fingers so it could die the tips of my fingers an off red and give them an odd sticky feeling.

“I can’t recall saying that your choice was simple Mi but unfortunately it is one of those things that needs an answer no matter how hard it is now I would really like it if you would come and sit with me so I can sort out your arms if not I will have to resort to other options.”

It wasn’t fair. She had the time she needed no one stopped her when she hadn’t had enough and I didn’t want to be controlled. I was in control of my fate and I wanted to bleed. I growled in my frustration as the blood dripped new and golden from the ends of my fingertips. I couldn’t understand why she was so desperate for it to end.  

“Come on lets end this now,” Esmee said getting to her feet and coming over to me taking my arm back into hers and under the towel. I winced as she put pressure onto the wounds but fort the urge to try and drag my arm away from hers again.

“This isn’t fair,” I grumbled trying to resist the urge to drag the towel off of my arm and throw it across the room.

“I know it isn’t. I’m sorry but there is nothing that I can do about it,” Esmee said taking the towel off of the wounds and pulling the edges of them together with her fingers. “I’m going to have to stitch these up now.”

“What if this was you?” I moaned allowing Esmee to go about emptying packets of sterile water into a dish so she could start to bath my arms off

“It’s not me Mi, and things are different here compared to what they are in the real world. If I was in the hospital and I had done what you have in front of a nurse I would have been treated exactly the same. I wish I could have treated you differently but sometimes my hands are tied. Things will be different once you live with us,” Esmee soothes as she gently brushed gauze across the cuts allowing the blood to splinter into the tiny folds of my skin. “I can fight for you more.”

I felt calmer as Esmee talked and became more mesmerized at the way she worked over my arm. She was the exact opposite of their origins. She was smooth and soft and the cuts were angry and raised against the surface. She was going to sooth them somehow even If I wasn’t entirely happy with it.

“This bit is going to hurt.” I winced as Esmee pushed the point of a needle deep into one of the oozing wounds and injected the anaesthetic making the sides puff up and meat in the middle. I knew what came next, the sewing up, the healing of a wound that should never have been created and I quietly cried as I watched Esmee starting to sew me up wishing I was mended as easily.