Not the plan.
This chapter is very very triggering I know i don't need to add these labels any more but this chapter really needes it! be safe.
I did not respond to Esmee again and for a long time the only sound in the room was from the creaking of pipes and the chattering of my teeth. My body for the first time in ages almost felt as cold as my insides.
“I used to cut my self Mi but that is the whole part of why this should be a form of hope because what do you see on my arms?”
Unable to respond to her question vocally I stretched out my arm and lied it up against hers and looked intently at them. This gave more of an answer then any words could. The scars that where etched upon both of them looked freakishly similar. Lines upon lines of parallel white scars crossed with jagged stabs of raised purple and red. How they got there made my insides cold. The thought of Esmee dragging back a razor across her own skin was terrible but worse was the thought of her enjoying it getting a strange kind of high out of it, that was almost nauseating.
still something inside of my sick mind at that moment buzzed with a strange tingling almost a kind of anticipation washing over as I remembered the good feeling it gave me as I watched the blood pore from my open wounds. It felt like a swarm of butterflies raced around in my stomach and I new I needed it. I new I needed that feeling. Needed it more then the air that I breathed in and out. I had to feel that exhilaration. That intense utterly controlling strange like pleasure that gripped at every part of me when my skin parted and I could see the pale flesh underneath for just a few seconds before the blood burst out from the severed capillaries and filled it. I needed that feeling and I needed it right away. I needed that thrilling rush. Such an immediate need that it physically hurt every nerve ending in my body and soul. I breathed in jaggedly and licked my lips I new what I had to do. Like a new born baby new immediatly how to feed.
“Oh shit.” Esmee suddenly shouted pulling her arm abruptly away from mine and in doing so braking me out of my trance.
“What?”
“I know that look Mi!” Esmee shouted tugging both sleeves back down to cover her arms again. “To trigger you defiantly wasn’t the plan!”
Sunday, 31 October 2010
Friday, 29 October 2010
Saving Grace (Emmets side)
Emmets side of the story.
Saving Grace
Crystal and Ingrid took there positions around Mi’s body and held her stiller then I could alone even though in reality My brute size and advanced training in control and restraint had had her relatively secure any way.
Even though not as good as Esmee (Baring in mind I am biased) Ingrid was the saving grace of the situation. She did her Job well and was devoted to the clients she looked after every shift and she soon got around to trying to calm down Mi even if it was a little to clinical and by the book.
“Mi we had to restrain you because we can’t let you hurt your self Ok Once you are in better control we will let you go. If you can’t manage that we will have to put you into the ECA.” Ingrid said almost mechanically as if she was reading it off of cue cards from her course. I stand by what I said Ingrid was passionate and caring about her job but she was also new to the job and did things by the book even if they where not always the best option and at the time a threat of ECA to an all ready terrified child was not really the best idea and this showed from Mi’s reaction as her breathing became more rapid and she whined like an injured cat that had just been run over by some git in a sports car and left to die. It truly was heart braking and I wished that I could find the right words inside of me to help but there where none.
“Please…Please!” Mi finally managed to squeak out in a terrified voice form behind her shuddering “I promise I won’t thump the wall any more. I really wont, just please just let me go.”
My reaction was instantaneous if not highly stupid and I immediately let my arms become more lax then I should of around her and after Ingrid giving a silent nod of approval to Crystal and then to me we all let her go completely Leaving Mi to frightened to move shaking and almost destroyed in front of us. What had we really done here? Helped or hindered?
Saving Grace
Crystal and Ingrid took there positions around Mi’s body and held her stiller then I could alone even though in reality My brute size and advanced training in control and restraint had had her relatively secure any way.
Even though not as good as Esmee (Baring in mind I am biased) Ingrid was the saving grace of the situation. She did her Job well and was devoted to the clients she looked after every shift and she soon got around to trying to calm down Mi even if it was a little to clinical and by the book.
“Mi we had to restrain you because we can’t let you hurt your self Ok Once you are in better control we will let you go. If you can’t manage that we will have to put you into the ECA.” Ingrid said almost mechanically as if she was reading it off of cue cards from her course. I stand by what I said Ingrid was passionate and caring about her job but she was also new to the job and did things by the book even if they where not always the best option and at the time a threat of ECA to an all ready terrified child was not really the best idea and this showed from Mi’s reaction as her breathing became more rapid and she whined like an injured cat that had just been run over by some git in a sports car and left to die. It truly was heart braking and I wished that I could find the right words inside of me to help but there where none.
“Please…Please!” Mi finally managed to squeak out in a terrified voice form behind her shuddering “I promise I won’t thump the wall any more. I really wont, just please just let me go.”
My reaction was instantaneous if not highly stupid and I immediately let my arms become more lax then I should of around her and after Ingrid giving a silent nod of approval to Crystal and then to me we all let her go completely Leaving Mi to frightened to move shaking and almost destroyed in front of us. What had we really done here? Helped or hindered?
Hope stems from fear. (Mi's side)
Hope stems from fear.
My first reaction was stupid but it was also easy and seemed the most natural thing to do. I closed my eyes tight and started counting up in two’s in my head. The hope behind this reaction was If I closed my eyes long enough it would go away. Some form of magic would remove it or my eyes would open from a nightmare.
“Mi it’s Ok. It was very long ago now.”
“ 12..14..16..18..20.” I muttered out loud trying to pretend that Esmee wasn’t still sitting there in front of me. That I wasn’t sat soaking wet and freezing cold on a hospitals bathroom floor. That she had never pulled up her sleeves. That the counting was the only real thing in this situation, that everything else could and would change.
“This isn’t a bad thing that I am showing you Mi. This is something you should celebrate, I do every day.”
“ You celebrate this.” I said shouted out through a shaking voice as I reached out and grabbed hold of her now exposed forearm and held on tight until my fingers turned white. Hoping that some how the contact would make it go away. There was nothing to celebrate in such devastation, even more so when it was Esmee that it was devastating.
“Yes.”
“Then your crazy! This doesn’t happen… shouldn’t happen… Just No.!” I stuttered shaking my head violently from side to side like I was a wet dog trying to shake him self off.
“Mi have clearly scared you a bit and I can see why but I want you to listen to me. I want you to know why the story behind these scars should be hopeful to you, not one to scare you. It is true that infinitive hope can stem from all are darkest fears.”
My first reaction was stupid but it was also easy and seemed the most natural thing to do. I closed my eyes tight and started counting up in two’s in my head. The hope behind this reaction was If I closed my eyes long enough it would go away. Some form of magic would remove it or my eyes would open from a nightmare.
“Mi it’s Ok. It was very long ago now.”
“ 12..14..16..18..20.” I muttered out loud trying to pretend that Esmee wasn’t still sitting there in front of me. That I wasn’t sat soaking wet and freezing cold on a hospitals bathroom floor. That she had never pulled up her sleeves. That the counting was the only real thing in this situation, that everything else could and would change.
“This isn’t a bad thing that I am showing you Mi. This is something you should celebrate, I do every day.”
“ You celebrate this.” I said shouted out through a shaking voice as I reached out and grabbed hold of her now exposed forearm and held on tight until my fingers turned white. Hoping that some how the contact would make it go away. There was nothing to celebrate in such devastation, even more so when it was Esmee that it was devastating.
“Yes.”
“Then your crazy! This doesn’t happen… shouldn’t happen… Just No.!” I stuttered shaking my head violently from side to side like I was a wet dog trying to shake him self off.
“Mi have clearly scared you a bit and I can see why but I want you to listen to me. I want you to know why the story behind these scars should be hopeful to you, not one to scare you. It is true that infinitive hope can stem from all are darkest fears.”
Tuesday, 26 October 2010
Underneath her clothes (Mi's side)
Underneath her clothes
I tried to pull my heavy body up off of the ground of the shower but I was either not able or not wanting to do so and after a few more attempts I gave up and let my body collapse back to the floor again a new wave of sobbing taking over me. What was the point of trying.
A few minuets later there was frantic knocking on the door as the lock turned to let who was ever out side in. To far gone to try and react I just closed my eyes and continued to sob letting whatever was going to happen, happen.
“Mi honey, sweet heart Come on honey.”
“What are you still doing here?” I sobbed as I watched Esmee step into the shower fully clothed and shield me from the icy water that was still pelting down against my head.
“Mi! Damn it this water is freezing!” Esmee shouted recoiling slightly before she got her senses back and started fumbling with the water trying to turn it off.
“Mi baby girl why are you sat fully clothed in a freezing shower.” Esmee asked crouching down opposite me in the cubical reaching out and tucking a strand of my soaking wet hair behind my ear. She wore the same warm smile as she always wore as she looked into my eyes.
“Esmee I hurt!” I wailed barley controlling my chattering teeth and trembling hands “and I can’t stop the pain! I can’t run away from it and I can scream it out! I can’t cry it out Or starve it out of me. Hell I can’t even bleed it out! Or puke it out! There is nothing I can do to make the pain go away and it hurts!” I almost screamed at Esmee as I rocked my body violently back and forth against the wet shower floor. The anger and the pain raging in me, ready to consume
“It’s Ok honey I know.”
“ No Esmee you don’t! There is a monster inside of me and it aches all over and it eats at my soul. I am so heavy all of the time and all I want to do is cry but the tears don’t work. Nothing does! You don’t get it I have to kill the outside to destroy the monster within!”
“Mi I know it’s hard, and I know the pain your on about and I hate to think of you in it.”
“You don’t know this pain Esmee!” I screamed almost chocking on the rasping in the back of my throat. “Look at your life! You have a husband, a daughter! You’re a foster mother god damn it!” I yelled even louder before something within me found the cool down anger switch and I suddenly just became silent. A teenager in dripping wet cloths crying on a medical cold bathroom floor like something out of a sad depressing film.
“I am sorry Esmee.” I whispered closing my eyes “I am a bad person and this has to end OK.” I squeaked. “You have to let me go now.”
“Mi, I know how you feel.” Esmee said even more sweetly. Brushing her fingertips over my face wiping away the tears and the water.
“Esmee I don’t think you come back from this pain.” I sighed my body heaving again with tears though this time they where silent though some how heavier then the screaming ones.
“Mi, I know.” Esmee said again smiling as she effortlessly flicked the buttons on the cuff of her blouse open and pushed her sleeves up to her shoulders revealing for the first time what lied beneath her clothes.
I tried to pull my heavy body up off of the ground of the shower but I was either not able or not wanting to do so and after a few more attempts I gave up and let my body collapse back to the floor again a new wave of sobbing taking over me. What was the point of trying.
A few minuets later there was frantic knocking on the door as the lock turned to let who was ever out side in. To far gone to try and react I just closed my eyes and continued to sob letting whatever was going to happen, happen.
“Mi honey, sweet heart Come on honey.”
“What are you still doing here?” I sobbed as I watched Esmee step into the shower fully clothed and shield me from the icy water that was still pelting down against my head.
“Mi! Damn it this water is freezing!” Esmee shouted recoiling slightly before she got her senses back and started fumbling with the water trying to turn it off.
“Mi baby girl why are you sat fully clothed in a freezing shower.” Esmee asked crouching down opposite me in the cubical reaching out and tucking a strand of my soaking wet hair behind my ear. She wore the same warm smile as she always wore as she looked into my eyes.
“Esmee I hurt!” I wailed barley controlling my chattering teeth and trembling hands “and I can’t stop the pain! I can’t run away from it and I can scream it out! I can’t cry it out Or starve it out of me. Hell I can’t even bleed it out! Or puke it out! There is nothing I can do to make the pain go away and it hurts!” I almost screamed at Esmee as I rocked my body violently back and forth against the wet shower floor. The anger and the pain raging in me, ready to consume
“It’s Ok honey I know.”
“ No Esmee you don’t! There is a monster inside of me and it aches all over and it eats at my soul. I am so heavy all of the time and all I want to do is cry but the tears don’t work. Nothing does! You don’t get it I have to kill the outside to destroy the monster within!”
“Mi I know it’s hard, and I know the pain your on about and I hate to think of you in it.”
“You don’t know this pain Esmee!” I screamed almost chocking on the rasping in the back of my throat. “Look at your life! You have a husband, a daughter! You’re a foster mother god damn it!” I yelled even louder before something within me found the cool down anger switch and I suddenly just became silent. A teenager in dripping wet cloths crying on a medical cold bathroom floor like something out of a sad depressing film.
“I am sorry Esmee.” I whispered closing my eyes “I am a bad person and this has to end OK.” I squeaked. “You have to let me go now.”
“Mi, I know how you feel.” Esmee said even more sweetly. Brushing her fingertips over my face wiping away the tears and the water.
“Esmee I don’t think you come back from this pain.” I sighed my body heaving again with tears though this time they where silent though some how heavier then the screaming ones.
“Mi, I know.” Esmee said again smiling as she effortlessly flicked the buttons on the cuff of her blouse open and pushed her sleeves up to her shoulders revealing for the first time what lied beneath her clothes.
Friday, 22 October 2010
Freeze it out (Mi's side)
Freeze it out
It was 10 30 when Josh finally insisted that I left Summer and went back to my room and got ready for bed. It was about nine thirty when I got back to the unit from the general hospital and all that kept playing over and over in my head was Esmee once again getting home to late to tuck her daughter up in bed and once again it was my fault. What was worse still I didn’t think I could face going to my room. I had tried to run away from there earlier that day and I wasn’t ready to go back. My room no longer shouted NHS it yelled Some one cares and I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. Even more so now that I was almost sure that the people who did care now didn’t.
Once in the bathroom and away from staff and clients alike I turned on the shower and stepped in fully clothed letting the water weigh down my cloths and then in turn me. Finally I slinked to the floor and let my body dissolve into heavy sobbing. Every part of me ached with a heavily pressing sadness that I could not get rid of. That no matter how much I faked laughed a joked with Summer it was there to take over me when I was alone. It was always there to consume whatever it could like a angry monster that was always hungry and always attack with out ever resting.
I had not bothered to use the hot water tap and the jets of water that sprayed down over me where icy cold making me shiver and my teeth chatter together in a discordant melody. I could of easily turned around and turned on the hot water but I didn’t want to. My body felt to heavily with pain to lift up my arm and turn the dial for the hot water plus the cold sting of the icy jets pounding into my face suited how I felt. So cold, so empty, so heavy and alone. Maybe I could even try and freeze the sadness away. Freeze the guilt away.
I sat under the icy water for a long time until my skin was bright red but numb from the cold and I was shivering so much I couldn’t keep my spine from hitting repeatedly against the tiles behind me and it felt like I was going to puke, but still I could not find the will or the energy to move out of the shower, there was nothing waiting for me out there nothing I wanted to be a part of.
“ Mi, Mi. It’s Edward OK I am coming in. You have been in here with the water running for nearly forty minutes and I got to see if you are all right OK. Both Erin and Alice are busy at the moment so that leaves me.”
“You…You can’t come in here… I..I am naked. I should at least, have…have a female.” I stuttered towards the trying to move my body up off of the floor but failing.
“OK fair enough I will go and see if any one is freed up yet, but I will be back it a few seconds OK.”
Great I had a few seconds to pull my self together when I needed a few hours. or a few day even.
It was 10 30 when Josh finally insisted that I left Summer and went back to my room and got ready for bed. It was about nine thirty when I got back to the unit from the general hospital and all that kept playing over and over in my head was Esmee once again getting home to late to tuck her daughter up in bed and once again it was my fault. What was worse still I didn’t think I could face going to my room. I had tried to run away from there earlier that day and I wasn’t ready to go back. My room no longer shouted NHS it yelled Some one cares and I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. Even more so now that I was almost sure that the people who did care now didn’t.
Once in the bathroom and away from staff and clients alike I turned on the shower and stepped in fully clothed letting the water weigh down my cloths and then in turn me. Finally I slinked to the floor and let my body dissolve into heavy sobbing. Every part of me ached with a heavily pressing sadness that I could not get rid of. That no matter how much I faked laughed a joked with Summer it was there to take over me when I was alone. It was always there to consume whatever it could like a angry monster that was always hungry and always attack with out ever resting.
I had not bothered to use the hot water tap and the jets of water that sprayed down over me where icy cold making me shiver and my teeth chatter together in a discordant melody. I could of easily turned around and turned on the hot water but I didn’t want to. My body felt to heavily with pain to lift up my arm and turn the dial for the hot water plus the cold sting of the icy jets pounding into my face suited how I felt. So cold, so empty, so heavy and alone. Maybe I could even try and freeze the sadness away. Freeze the guilt away.
I sat under the icy water for a long time until my skin was bright red but numb from the cold and I was shivering so much I couldn’t keep my spine from hitting repeatedly against the tiles behind me and it felt like I was going to puke, but still I could not find the will or the energy to move out of the shower, there was nothing waiting for me out there nothing I wanted to be a part of.
“ Mi, Mi. It’s Edward OK I am coming in. You have been in here with the water running for nearly forty minutes and I got to see if you are all right OK. Both Erin and Alice are busy at the moment so that leaves me.”
“You…You can’t come in here… I..I am naked. I should at least, have…have a female.” I stuttered towards the trying to move my body up off of the floor but failing.
“OK fair enough I will go and see if any one is freed up yet, but I will be back it a few seconds OK.”
Great I had a few seconds to pull my self together when I needed a few hours. or a few day even.
I can manage the impossible. great (Mi's story)
I can manage the impossible. great
Esmee said nothing more as she drove me and my new plaster cast back to the unit and dropped me off through the door while she swiped her key to get into the office. I had seemed to of pushed her to far and she seemed cold and off with me.
“I really am sorry Esmee.” I moaned at the office door as it clicked shut behind her. I hated being responsible for her being so late home, she had a husband and a daughter not to mention a new foster son and there she was spending so much time with me and worse of all I was now sure she hated me for it.
My feet felt heavy as I walked up the stairs towards my bedroom trying to make my body invisible as I was fully aware the last time every one saw me I fainted in front of them all because they threw me a birthday party.
“Boo!”
“Good God summer.” I shouted Jumping out of my own skin.
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m just glad to see you. I was coming here expecting you to show me around and it takes you nearly three weeks to get back here.”
“Not my choice trust me.” I moaned more to my self then to Summer as I recalculated in my head the amount of nurses I had actually managed to piss off and alienate in that damn three weeks. What hurt the most was it seemed Esmee was the latest person to add to that list and with her I was sure to lose Emmet as well. I could almost feel my heart crumple inside of me as I thought about surviving apple gate house with out them.
“Come on lets go to my room I am in the room right next to yours for the time being. I think it’s wired how they give all the rooms names. I mean what the hell I am in Love! I have actually said that to my Nan when she called up. I am in love. She thought I was insane! There again she was under that impression any was my psychiatrist told her and I quote. “Apple gat house is like your modern day insane asylum!” I mean what the hell what did he think she was going to think. I am still trying to convince her that I am not looked up in a padded sell in a straight jacket.
I tried to block Summers constant chatting out of my all ready buzzing head. It had been more then a long day and the effects of the sedative still swam around in my brain. I liked Summer but she had the habit of talking far to much I assumed it was a nervous thing.
“So how have you got on then Summer.” I asked so I could cut the noise of her hyper monolog as I was herded into love. Not surprisingly it was the same setup as all of the rooms apart from this one was a mustered yellow colour. She had defiantly lost on the NHS colour board lottery.
“It’s been OK. I suppose.” Summer said going over to her bed and sitting down. Her bed still had the filmier NHS hospital sheet and blanket setup instead of a duvet. I shivered I was far to familiar with this set up at the moment.
“I am not sure about the whole red level observation though.” Summer said shivering. And that was about right that was the only real reaction any one could give about red level observations. So I shivered to in response too.
“What about the staff? You got any one you get on with?” I asked sliding down the wall and sitting down on the floor. Yes Summer did talk to much but her mindless babbling seemed to be soothing my buzzing head the more in infiltrated into my brain tha tor I had become immune it all ready.
“What apart from the obvious two?” Summer asked laughing while throwing a pillow across the floor for me to sit on.
“Who are they?”
“Oh come on Emmet and Esmee are total sweeties of course. Who couldn’t get on with them.”
“I don’t know.” I said smiling even though my eyes filled with tears and my voice cracked. “I think I have done a pretty good job of pissing them off too.”
“Aww don’t cry Mi. I am sure that isn’t the case. I don’t think Emmet and Esmee could get mad at any one.” Summer said springing off of her bed and coming over to where I was sitting.
What she said was why the situation was all so sad though. Before today I too would of thought it was impossible to piss of Esmee but some how I managed it. Sometimes it wasn’t all the great to do the impossible.
Esmee said nothing more as she drove me and my new plaster cast back to the unit and dropped me off through the door while she swiped her key to get into the office. I had seemed to of pushed her to far and she seemed cold and off with me.
“I really am sorry Esmee.” I moaned at the office door as it clicked shut behind her. I hated being responsible for her being so late home, she had a husband and a daughter not to mention a new foster son and there she was spending so much time with me and worse of all I was now sure she hated me for it.
My feet felt heavy as I walked up the stairs towards my bedroom trying to make my body invisible as I was fully aware the last time every one saw me I fainted in front of them all because they threw me a birthday party.
“Boo!”
“Good God summer.” I shouted Jumping out of my own skin.
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m just glad to see you. I was coming here expecting you to show me around and it takes you nearly three weeks to get back here.”
“Not my choice trust me.” I moaned more to my self then to Summer as I recalculated in my head the amount of nurses I had actually managed to piss off and alienate in that damn three weeks. What hurt the most was it seemed Esmee was the latest person to add to that list and with her I was sure to lose Emmet as well. I could almost feel my heart crumple inside of me as I thought about surviving apple gate house with out them.
“Come on lets go to my room I am in the room right next to yours for the time being. I think it’s wired how they give all the rooms names. I mean what the hell I am in Love! I have actually said that to my Nan when she called up. I am in love. She thought I was insane! There again she was under that impression any was my psychiatrist told her and I quote. “Apple gat house is like your modern day insane asylum!” I mean what the hell what did he think she was going to think. I am still trying to convince her that I am not looked up in a padded sell in a straight jacket.
I tried to block Summers constant chatting out of my all ready buzzing head. It had been more then a long day and the effects of the sedative still swam around in my brain. I liked Summer but she had the habit of talking far to much I assumed it was a nervous thing.
“So how have you got on then Summer.” I asked so I could cut the noise of her hyper monolog as I was herded into love. Not surprisingly it was the same setup as all of the rooms apart from this one was a mustered yellow colour. She had defiantly lost on the NHS colour board lottery.
“It’s been OK. I suppose.” Summer said going over to her bed and sitting down. Her bed still had the filmier NHS hospital sheet and blanket setup instead of a duvet. I shivered I was far to familiar with this set up at the moment.
“I am not sure about the whole red level observation though.” Summer said shivering. And that was about right that was the only real reaction any one could give about red level observations. So I shivered to in response too.
“What about the staff? You got any one you get on with?” I asked sliding down the wall and sitting down on the floor. Yes Summer did talk to much but her mindless babbling seemed to be soothing my buzzing head the more in infiltrated into my brain tha tor I had become immune it all ready.
“What apart from the obvious two?” Summer asked laughing while throwing a pillow across the floor for me to sit on.
“Who are they?”
“Oh come on Emmet and Esmee are total sweeties of course. Who couldn’t get on with them.”
“I don’t know.” I said smiling even though my eyes filled with tears and my voice cracked. “I think I have done a pretty good job of pissing them off too.”
“Aww don’t cry Mi. I am sure that isn’t the case. I don’t think Emmet and Esmee could get mad at any one.” Summer said springing off of her bed and coming over to where I was sitting.
What she said was why the situation was all so sad though. Before today I too would of thought it was impossible to piss of Esmee but some how I managed it. Sometimes it wasn’t all the great to do the impossible.
Friday, 15 October 2010
I don't want Happiness i just want OK
I don’t want happiness I just want OK
Esmee sighed gently before leaning back into her seat and steering out the windscreen into the dimly lit hospital car park while I stared at my plastered hand and pulled gently at the end of the bandage.
“What would you think Arabella would do and say now if she saw you like this?” Esmee finally asked still not looking at me but staring out into the gloom of the night
“That’s not fair.” I moaned almost shocked at the question and it’s blatant insensitivity. In fact the question would have been better suited coming from Crystal.
“I know, I’m sorry.” Esmee said tearing her eyes away from what she was looking at and looking at my direction. “I was just letting my mouth run before my brain.”
“It’s all right, I. wonder the same thing to sometimes.”
“How long have you been cutting Mi? I know what your records say but that is only what they know about. But how long has it really been.”
“I was 9 I think, it just happened, I’m mot sure how and I’m not sure why. It wasn’t like I planed it. I didn’t just wake up one day I think today I am going to try and cut my self it just happened. I just saw it sitting there on the side and it felt like it was actually calling to me. I was so angry. I was shaking and I couldn’t calm down and I needed something. I needed anything and I new what to do, I just used a ruler to undo that little screw on the pencil sharpener and I dragged the bade across my skin, and it felt amazing.” I said dreamily staring out of the car window and back across to the pain building of the hospital as I aloud my self to get completely lost in my memory and the tranquillity of the first cut I ever made on my skin.
“Nine is young.” Esmee sighed rubbing her hands over her arms she seemed to be remembering something her self. “Do you want to stop?” Esmee asked “Or do you think you have actually found a way to be happy?”
“What do you think? Of course I want to stop. I don’t want happiness Esmee or anything over the top, I just want to be OK. Every day that is all I pray for, not to be happy, just to feel OK. for a minute where I don’t feel sad. Just for a second where I don’t have to battle with my self over and over again for the same bloody things. For a tiny moment in time where Sophie isn’t screaming silently in my had. For a tiny moment where I don’t want to cut the hell out of my own skin. Or shove my fingers back my throat until I spit up blood or faint what ever comes first. That all I want Esmee, nothing more I just want to be OK.”
Esmee sighed gently before leaning back into her seat and steering out the windscreen into the dimly lit hospital car park while I stared at my plastered hand and pulled gently at the end of the bandage.
“What would you think Arabella would do and say now if she saw you like this?” Esmee finally asked still not looking at me but staring out into the gloom of the night
“That’s not fair.” I moaned almost shocked at the question and it’s blatant insensitivity. In fact the question would have been better suited coming from Crystal.
“I know, I’m sorry.” Esmee said tearing her eyes away from what she was looking at and looking at my direction. “I was just letting my mouth run before my brain.”
“It’s all right, I. wonder the same thing to sometimes.”
“How long have you been cutting Mi? I know what your records say but that is only what they know about. But how long has it really been.”
“I was 9 I think, it just happened, I’m mot sure how and I’m not sure why. It wasn’t like I planed it. I didn’t just wake up one day I think today I am going to try and cut my self it just happened. I just saw it sitting there on the side and it felt like it was actually calling to me. I was so angry. I was shaking and I couldn’t calm down and I needed something. I needed anything and I new what to do, I just used a ruler to undo that little screw on the pencil sharpener and I dragged the bade across my skin, and it felt amazing.” I said dreamily staring out of the car window and back across to the pain building of the hospital as I aloud my self to get completely lost in my memory and the tranquillity of the first cut I ever made on my skin.
“Nine is young.” Esmee sighed rubbing her hands over her arms she seemed to be remembering something her self. “Do you want to stop?” Esmee asked “Or do you think you have actually found a way to be happy?”
“What do you think? Of course I want to stop. I don’t want happiness Esmee or anything over the top, I just want to be OK. Every day that is all I pray for, not to be happy, just to feel OK. for a minute where I don’t feel sad. Just for a second where I don’t have to battle with my self over and over again for the same bloody things. For a tiny moment in time where Sophie isn’t screaming silently in my had. For a tiny moment where I don’t want to cut the hell out of my own skin. Or shove my fingers back my throat until I spit up blood or faint what ever comes first. That all I want Esmee, nothing more I just want to be OK.”
Wednesday, 13 October 2010
Jelly beans
jelly beans
About An hour later I was standing out side of Esmee’s Honda waiting for her to find her keys. It was a lovely little car with bumble bees and flower transfers on the exterior that always made me smile. It was when I got in to the car and breathed in deeply that my body made the familiar stiffening moment when I was about to flash back.
“Mi are you OK, honey?”
The breaks squealed and I was blinded by bright headlights of the car that drove at us full speed up the wrong side of the road and Arabella swerved hitting the brakes before turning her car over and tumbling down the embankment on the side 0f the road.
“Mi, talk to me.” Esmee said again leaning over and resting her hand on top of mine which knocked me out of my trance as the flash back played in front of my eyes.
“Jelly beans.” I moaned to my self glancing up at the new air freshener that hung above the rear view mirror before looking at the floor breathing hard trying to control the nausea.
“What about them honey?” Esmee asked gently even though there was a part of her that sounded like she thought I might of actually lost the plot completely.
“Your air freshener,” I moaned again glancing up at the offending object. “It’s Jelly beans.”
“Yeah, ummm, I thought it smelt lovely.” Esmee said now looking and sounding properly convinced that I might have actually lost all mental capacity.
“It does, it’s lovely.” I moaned again more to my self then Esmee as I hurried to wipe the tears out of my eyes before they could roll down over the side of my face.
“So what’s the problem then?” Esmee said laughing still sounding completely confused and more then a little bit concerned
“Arabella used to love that air freshener, she used to bye a new one every week , that was before she rolled her car off over the embankment and died that is.”
About An hour later I was standing out side of Esmee’s Honda waiting for her to find her keys. It was a lovely little car with bumble bees and flower transfers on the exterior that always made me smile. It was when I got in to the car and breathed in deeply that my body made the familiar stiffening moment when I was about to flash back.
“Mi are you OK, honey?”
The breaks squealed and I was blinded by bright headlights of the car that drove at us full speed up the wrong side of the road and Arabella swerved hitting the brakes before turning her car over and tumbling down the embankment on the side 0f the road.
“Mi, talk to me.” Esmee said again leaning over and resting her hand on top of mine which knocked me out of my trance as the flash back played in front of my eyes.
“Jelly beans.” I moaned to my self glancing up at the new air freshener that hung above the rear view mirror before looking at the floor breathing hard trying to control the nausea.
“What about them honey?” Esmee asked gently even though there was a part of her that sounded like she thought I might of actually lost the plot completely.
“Your air freshener,” I moaned again glancing up at the offending object. “It’s Jelly beans.”
“Yeah, ummm, I thought it smelt lovely.” Esmee said now looking and sounding properly convinced that I might have actually lost all mental capacity.
“It does, it’s lovely.” I moaned again more to my self then Esmee as I hurried to wipe the tears out of my eyes before they could roll down over the side of my face.
“So what’s the problem then?” Esmee said laughing still sounding completely confused and more then a little bit concerned
“Arabella used to love that air freshener, she used to bye a new one every week , that was before she rolled her car off over the embankment and died that is.”
Tuesday, 12 October 2010
so many questions
So at first i was angry when the last sight i was posted on said that this story was against the rules, hence the creation of this blog so the people who where reading can continue to do so
but i was wondering, Did the moderaters have a point in saying in this story i was sharing tips to self harm. Is this whole story in fact pro-self harm?
Of course that was not the intention. I am not pro self harm. I will wear my scars on my body for the rest of my life and though at times i feel thay have helped me to survive i mostly feel just bitter sadness at my body being so damaged.
I would like peoples thoughts on this please
but i was wondering, Did the moderaters have a point in saying in this story i was sharing tips to self harm. Is this whole story in fact pro-self harm?
Of course that was not the intention. I am not pro self harm. I will wear my scars on my body for the rest of my life and though at times i feel thay have helped me to survive i mostly feel just bitter sadness at my body being so damaged.
I would like peoples thoughts on this please
To be honest i am fed up of waking up (story)
H there every one that has followed me over from RYL. This is where the story will continue from now on. I hope it is still OK and that you all still enjoy it.
heres the next chapter in it new home.
To be honest I am fed up of waking up
My eyes rolled around uncomfortably in the back of my head as I tried to get my consciousness back from my drug induced sleep.
“That’s it Mi try and open them up for me.” Someone said in the background as they tickled the side of my check with there finger nail. I mumbled uncomfortable before Finally my eyes rolled in the right direction and I opened my eyes to a swirling room and intense nausea.
“I feel sick.” I moaned trying to pull my body up into a seating position but landed up just rolling in the wrong direction and bashing my side into the railings of the bed.
“Wow.” Esmee said who leant over and steadied my body while she hit the bed control button and my body began to go slowly upwards and she placed a dish into my lap.
“What are you doing here still.” I moaned still groggy as i rested my head back up against the mattress and closed my eyes to try and stop the room from spinning around me.
“I told you I wouldn’t leave you. Emmet’s had to go and pick up Mia from my mums and Bobby from school but he has only been gone a little while.”
“Bobby?” I asked turning to look at Esmee as best as I could even though my eyes still did occasional rolls in the back of my head and I had to use all my force to correct it.
“He’s are new foster son. Remember we had those two weeks off to settle him in a little while ago. He seems to be going well.”
“Oh yeah. I am sorry I forgot about it. I am glad he is OK.” I said somehow forcing my face into a smile which she returned to me.
“I’m sorry I lost It a bit there.” I mumbled looking away from Esmee as the flash back of the previous hours forced there way through my head. Not clear precise memories just foggy gray and black shapes that dug into me.
“That’s OK.” Esmee said reaching forwards and taking hold of my hand in hers. “I have had to deal with worse.”
heres the next chapter in it new home.
To be honest I am fed up of waking up
My eyes rolled around uncomfortably in the back of my head as I tried to get my consciousness back from my drug induced sleep.
“That’s it Mi try and open them up for me.” Someone said in the background as they tickled the side of my check with there finger nail. I mumbled uncomfortable before Finally my eyes rolled in the right direction and I opened my eyes to a swirling room and intense nausea.
“I feel sick.” I moaned trying to pull my body up into a seating position but landed up just rolling in the wrong direction and bashing my side into the railings of the bed.
“Wow.” Esmee said who leant over and steadied my body while she hit the bed control button and my body began to go slowly upwards and she placed a dish into my lap.
“What are you doing here still.” I moaned still groggy as i rested my head back up against the mattress and closed my eyes to try and stop the room from spinning around me.
“I told you I wouldn’t leave you. Emmet’s had to go and pick up Mia from my mums and Bobby from school but he has only been gone a little while.”
“Bobby?” I asked turning to look at Esmee as best as I could even though my eyes still did occasional rolls in the back of my head and I had to use all my force to correct it.
“He’s are new foster son. Remember we had those two weeks off to settle him in a little while ago. He seems to be going well.”
“Oh yeah. I am sorry I forgot about it. I am glad he is OK.” I said somehow forcing my face into a smile which she returned to me.
“I’m sorry I lost It a bit there.” I mumbled looking away from Esmee as the flash back of the previous hours forced there way through my head. Not clear precise memories just foggy gray and black shapes that dug into me.
“That’s OK.” Esmee said reaching forwards and taking hold of my hand in hers. “I have had to deal with worse.”
Monday, 11 October 2010
more story
Ice doesn’t cut it.
“Here try this.” Esmee said reaching out and grabbing hold of my good hand pressing the ice cube into mine so I flinched with the shock and Esmee pulled her hand away from mine dropping the ice back into the bowel.
“No!” I shouted instinctively lurching my body towards it so Esmee picked the ice back up and pressed it into my hands so it was gripped between hers and mine and the water dripped onto the bed.
It was the wrong colour and the wrong heat even the wrong consistency but somehow though not as instant or as beautiful and invigorating as the blood flowing between my fingers and splashing beautiful and crimson and pure on to the white sheets it did release something. The sharp pain that dug into my hands with the ice and the warm smoothness of Esmee’s skin broke the anger just a tiny bit and I breathed in deeply. The trouble was it wasn’t enough, no where near enough.
“Here.” Esmee sad again ever so gently picking the bowel up off of the table and placing in in front of me. “Use them if it makes you reel better.”
I took my hand and placed it into the bowl and burred it under the ice gasping as the pain pulsed in my hands.
“It’s not the same.” I moaned grabbing the ice cube and digging into my arm dragging it across my arms like I would the Razor blade but nothing happened. Nothing broke with in me. Nothing was made better.
“Esmee I want it to stop and it doesn’t work.” I snapped swiping at the bowel of ice and letting a sob escape out of my mouth as I twisted my bad wrist round so I could feel the intense pain that I wanted.
“Don’t move that wrist.” Dr. Ash said speaking up from the side of the room where he stood watch everything that happened. “There is a little fracture in there and I don’t want it to get any worse.
That of course was when it happened. When the opportunity to destroy set into my brain and the corners of my lips turned up into a sinister smile.
To the floor With a deep breath I jumped up and bashed my all ready fractured wrist into the wall twice before Esmee jumped on me from behind and dragged me back into her arms.
“No!” I shouted pulling hard at Esmee’s hands and actually braking out of her grasps so I could throw my whole body into the wall.
“Ez what’s happening!” Emmet shouted as I rebounded back off of the wall for the second time and right into Emmet’s as he walked through the curtain into the cubical.
“To the floor.” Was the only command Esmee gave and Emmet swiped my legs from with under me and had me face down on the hospital floor. Where he restrained my upper body and Esmee launched into her position on my legs keeping them from kicking out.
“I think we need that sedative now.” Esmee barked at Dr. Ash who zipped out of the cubical at the speed of light.
“Mia calm down!” Emmet shouted over my screaming and flopping about like some fish out of water.
“Go to hell!” I snapped back.
“Mia! Calm down!” Emmet shouted again tightening his grip on my upper half.
“I got the sedative.” Dr. Ash said out of breath Entering back into the room.
There was a shuffle behind me and I felt someone pulling down my jeans and the back of my under wear before a needle was shoved into my right bum cheek and I yelped.
Almost instantly my body became heavy and the fight leaked out of me, my thrashing limbs becoming lifeless by my sides unable to move any more. My eye lids became heavy to as a numb buzzing filled up my head and my anger ebbed out of me to be replaced by the hollow sadness.
“Come on my darling.” Emmet then said gently slipping his muscular arms underneath my body before scoping me up into his arms and cradling me into his body like some over grown baby. I tried to lift my arms up to wrap them around his neck but it felt like they had been paralyzed and refused move a bit from my command so they just hung limp unmoving.
“You sleep now my honey.” Emmet said
gently as he placed my limp body down on the bed and removed his arms from under me before beginning to stroke my hair back over my face.
“Emmet I can’t do it any more.” I mumbled even though it was hardly eligible coming from my drugged up brain
“Yes you can my darling. Yes you can.” He whispered just before finally my brain gave up fighting the impending sleep and my eyes closed.
Only I prayed that I would never wake up.
“Here try this.” Esmee said reaching out and grabbing hold of my good hand pressing the ice cube into mine so I flinched with the shock and Esmee pulled her hand away from mine dropping the ice back into the bowel.
“No!” I shouted instinctively lurching my body towards it so Esmee picked the ice back up and pressed it into my hands so it was gripped between hers and mine and the water dripped onto the bed.
It was the wrong colour and the wrong heat even the wrong consistency but somehow though not as instant or as beautiful and invigorating as the blood flowing between my fingers and splashing beautiful and crimson and pure on to the white sheets it did release something. The sharp pain that dug into my hands with the ice and the warm smoothness of Esmee’s skin broke the anger just a tiny bit and I breathed in deeply. The trouble was it wasn’t enough, no where near enough.
“Here.” Esmee sad again ever so gently picking the bowel up off of the table and placing in in front of me. “Use them if it makes you reel better.”
I took my hand and placed it into the bowl and burred it under the ice gasping as the pain pulsed in my hands.
“It’s not the same.” I moaned grabbing the ice cube and digging into my arm dragging it across my arms like I would the Razor blade but nothing happened. Nothing broke with in me. Nothing was made better.
“Esmee I want it to stop and it doesn’t work.” I snapped swiping at the bowel of ice and letting a sob escape out of my mouth as I twisted my bad wrist round so I could feel the intense pain that I wanted.
“Don’t move that wrist.” Dr. Ash said speaking up from the side of the room where he stood watch everything that happened. “There is a little fracture in there and I don’t want it to get any worse.
That of course was when it happened. When the opportunity to destroy set into my brain and the corners of my lips turned up into a sinister smile.
To the floor With a deep breath I jumped up and bashed my all ready fractured wrist into the wall twice before Esmee jumped on me from behind and dragged me back into her arms.
“No!” I shouted pulling hard at Esmee’s hands and actually braking out of her grasps so I could throw my whole body into the wall.
“Ez what’s happening!” Emmet shouted as I rebounded back off of the wall for the second time and right into Emmet’s as he walked through the curtain into the cubical.
“To the floor.” Was the only command Esmee gave and Emmet swiped my legs from with under me and had me face down on the hospital floor. Where he restrained my upper body and Esmee launched into her position on my legs keeping them from kicking out.
“I think we need that sedative now.” Esmee barked at Dr. Ash who zipped out of the cubical at the speed of light.
“Mia calm down!” Emmet shouted over my screaming and flopping about like some fish out of water.
“Go to hell!” I snapped back.
“Mia! Calm down!” Emmet shouted again tightening his grip on my upper half.
“I got the sedative.” Dr. Ash said out of breath Entering back into the room.
There was a shuffle behind me and I felt someone pulling down my jeans and the back of my under wear before a needle was shoved into my right bum cheek and I yelped.
Almost instantly my body became heavy and the fight leaked out of me, my thrashing limbs becoming lifeless by my sides unable to move any more. My eye lids became heavy to as a numb buzzing filled up my head and my anger ebbed out of me to be replaced by the hollow sadness.
“Come on my darling.” Emmet then said gently slipping his muscular arms underneath my body before scoping me up into his arms and cradling me into his body like some over grown baby. I tried to lift my arms up to wrap them around his neck but it felt like they had been paralyzed and refused move a bit from my command so they just hung limp unmoving.
“You sleep now my honey.” Emmet said
gently as he placed my limp body down on the bed and removed his arms from under me before beginning to stroke my hair back over my face.
“Emmet I can’t do it any more.” I mumbled even though it was hardly eligible coming from my drugged up brain
“Yes you can my darling. Yes you can.” He whispered just before finally my brain gave up fighting the impending sleep and my eyes closed.
Only I prayed that I would never wake up.
the story continues.
Hi every one, this is continued from where i left off on RYL. It is unfortanute that i could no longer post the updates there but the rules are the rules and i can not go againt them.
As you all know this story is based heavily around battles with self harm eating disorders and abuse. There will be methords used to self harm writen here and the names of tablets and numbers and things including weights. and as always the content will remain triggering and sometimes graphic.
I hope you continue to enjoy this story though and here are the next few chapters.
Also spelling and grammer will be as bad as ever ha ha ha ha!
Go away stay
“Mia I am going to go and get what Esmee has asked for OK, Then I am going to come back and see if I can help at all OK.”
I didn’t respond to him. I didn’t think I could with out screaming at him so I kept my mouth shut by pressing my teeth harder against my hand causing blue indentations to appear there.
“It’s going to be all right.
Esmee said half joking have serious before with one final yank she tore my hand away from me and held it in hers.
“Don’t you growl at me young lady.
Esmee soothed once again trying to unwrap my teeth from around my hand. I made a snarling noise like an angry dog through my nose.
Sunday, 10 October 2010
So here is the story
So after this story being removed from a sight because of many diffrent rules i wanted somewhere else i could write it all to where the people who liked it could still read it if they wanted to, because to be honest there is nothing worse then writing a story that no one else can read.
I am going to continue writing on here from where i got to on the other site and start with only the new chapters of the story as i just can't copy and paste them all onto here with out it having some kind of majour hissy fit at me and to be honest i just can't be bothered to fight with it.
I am going to continue writing on here from where i got to on the other site and start with only the new chapters of the story as i just can't copy and paste them all onto here with out it having some kind of majour hissy fit at me and to be honest i just can't be bothered to fight with it.
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