(Mi) Soup isn't easy

Soup isn’t easy

Mi

It should have been easy but nothing about the bowl of orange liquid that sat on the table in front of me was easy. In the unit soup had become one of the most straight forward meals for me to eat I could almost trick myself that it was pure and simple like water, that there was nothing in there to make me less pure. It should have been easy but I wanted to scream. I wanted to push the bowl onto the floor and go and hide back in what they said was my new room. Asleep under the warm covers was a place where I was OK.  Under the sea of the crushed purple for a while I had felt nothing.

Slowly I turned the spoon around and around in the orange sea that was contained to the bowl. The steam that had risen from the top in graceful clouds had long since gone and if it hadn’t been for my aimless staring a skin would have formed over the top creating a scar. I didn’t want to eat. I could not eat and no words or actions could make it better or make it easier for me to force the food down my throat. I was spoiling everything, I was infuriating but I was pure.

“Come one Mi,” Liz encouraged again for the second time making Esmee snap her eyes back up to meet her gaze her eyes going darker. The first time she had opened her mouth she had told her to leave me to it, that I would get it down me when I could. The trouble is Esmee was wrong, I couldn’t manage the most simplest of food when I was in this wrong place.  The other three had all finished their food and I was holing everyone up. I had eaten five agonising mouthfuls and half a slice of wholemeal bread about fifty calories and nowhere need enough to be classed as acceptable.

“Come on Mi it’s just a bit of soup,” Liz said again clapping her hands in a hurried fashion the sound slicing through the tomato soup clouds that hung in the air over everyone trying to send them to sleep. Esmee looked up again shooting another burning gaze in her mother’s direction. Her lips where in a tight line and her eyebrows were raised somewhere in the back of her throat I heard her hiss as she pressed her hand into mine again and squeezed it under the table. Apparently I could even brake down the mother and daughter bond and I didn’t even live with them yet.

“I mean it must be cold by now so it won’t…” Liz carried on turning away from Esmee’s gaze and boring her eyes into the side of my face again as I looked down at the soup and gently licked at the side of the metallic spoon allowing the Luke warm liquid to spill over my alive taste buds and set them on fire for a few seconds before swallowing with a gulp.

“Mum, why don’t you take Mi upstairs and put her down for a nap.” Esmee suggested cutting her mother off mid-sentence her eyes still smouldering as she stared across the table and shook her head ever so slightly in warning. Liz ignored her, her face somewhere between confusion and   anger.

“We’re not going anywhere. Mi needs to eat her soup which is in consideration to some tasks is very easy and until she does it Mia is going to have to put up with being tired and unhappy. It’s down to you Mi.”

Pain grabbed at my body from all sides as the words slashed at my skin like razors and blistered the flesh like acid heading towards the centre were it could corrode what was left of my heart. I could have hurt all of them. I was hurting all of them and the pain I felt for it was only skin deep but to hurt a baby a child of just two years because I couldn’t preform a simple task was too much. I was evil/bad/nasty/stupid/greedy/fat. I was sorry; sorry for everything

“I’m sorry I can’t do this.” I whimpered as I pulled my free had out of Esmee and pushed my chair back over the neatly tiled floor. “I’m so sorry, I ruin everything. I break everyone but to hurt a baby. How can I hurt a baby?” I whined the tears spilling out over my eyes and down my cheeks before I could stop them. I had no right to feel sorry for myself after what I had done but I couldn’t help it. I was falling apart from the burning.

“Mi its fine, Mia’s fine,” Emmet said softly slipping his body out of his sleep at the same time as Esmee’s, “You haven’t hurt a baby you have done nothing wrong.”

“How could you do it Mia? She is just a little girl and she trusted you, she loves the ground that you walk the whole family trusted and loved you and took you into their home and then you hurt their little baby. How low can you go Mia? You are a bad person. You ruin everything an now you’ve hurt a baby”

“I didn’t mean to hurt her,” I cried backing towards the door of the kitchen, “I am so sorry,” I cried before spinning around and taking off back up the stairs desperate to get away.

(Esmee) Silly nonsense

Either my self esteme is shot or i am now completly talentless. I miss when i could bring Esmee to life properly. She is just so important for me to be missing up like this. Alas i can do no better.
Sorry bad chapter ahead...

Silly nonsense

“She’s soundo,” I smiled a few moments later after I took enough deep breaths to look back at my mother again. She didn’t sleep at all last night best let her get some now.”

“What about her snack? She shouldn’t skip her food should she? “After you got out of that place skipping food time really used to freak you out.” My mother said gently moving off of the bed next to Mi and getting to her feet before she very gently pulled the cover up over Mi’s body and tucked them in under her chin like she would still do to me if she had half the chance. She had met Mi for about two hours and something inside her had sparked like it had inside of me the first time I met her. On the surface it seemed obvious that Mi was nothing important. For my mother Emmet and myself it was like somehow we had discovered one of the most important people in the world and we were her protectors.

“She had missed it anyway. I was pushing it really late when I mentioned it to her. I should have made her had it at the unit before she came but I didn’t know what was best. I made a mistake and I will e the one to do the paper work for it. I will make sure she wakes up for lunch which is in less than an hour anyway. I’m going to make it up for all of us, It’s only some soup and bread but it will still be hard for her and it will be a lot easier on her if we are all eating, I smiled at my mum which she returned.” Her lips turned up at the very corners as she came over to me and put her hand on my shoulder, leading me to the door in Mi’s room.

“I’m sorry kitten I will never get it,” My mum smiled even though there was a sort of sad tone in her voice.

“Get what?”

“How Eating a bowl of soup could be so hard. It’s just eating kitten, everybody in the world does it. There should be no moral issue involved. It just is. I’m just glad you got all that silly nonsense out of your head a long time ago.”

Silly nonsense…

(Esmee) Fruad

So here is another update. Please be gentl with me as i am still fragile. I hope that it is OK I'm sure it's pretty crappy but best I can spew out. It's taken two days to write so ugh. Comments please.

Fraud

Esmee

“Hi guys, its Esmee.” I said gently knocking on Mi’s door after I had managed to get past Emmet in the kitchen below. Emmet said I was worrying too much, that after years and years of looking after me my mother would easily be able to look after Mi but she was new here and confused and liable to freak out and even though I loved my mum and she was amazing with me there had been times when she also hurt me as well. My mother couldn’t understand always.

“Hello kitten,” Mum whispered gently as I walked into the room and smiled at the sight that greeted me from the bed. Mi was curled up next to my mum her eyelids flickering softly as my mother gently smoothed through the ends of her hair. It was perfect; she should have always been there. I could have looked after her if I had been given the chance, I had known she was there I would have saved her from the hell that they had put her through but she slipped away like smoke and mist and my sister had gotten lost.

“She must like you.” I smiled trying to push away the bad feelings that bubbled up inside of me. I may not have been there for her then but I was now and I would protect her forever. I loved her like any part of my family and I wouldn’t hide it from myself anymore. I was allowed to become too close to my own sister. I was allowed to love her.

 “It took her weeks, months even before she trusted us enough to be vulnerable with us.” I clarified noticing my mum’s confused look.

“I just told her that I was a part of you that seemed to calm her down somewhat.”  My mum smiled “you best write it down though that she has been making herself sick, I don’t want to be the one to tell on her or delay her discharge from that place but I take it that isn’t something that can be ignored what with her eating disorder.”

“She still finds it hard and all of this is just insane for her.  A bit of vomiting is the least of our worries. Three months ago I was pulling her out of bath tubs and breaking her ribs with my bare hands, breathing my life into her.” I moaned the image still ingrained somewhere in the back of my head. I had performed CPR a million times before when I worked for the briefest of times in A &E and each one was shaken off with the help of cup of dishwater tea. Mi’s stayed forever. At the time it brought me to my knees and I had no idea why now the flash backs haunted me somewhere in my subconscious. I could still remember every brake.

“You saved her life Esmee. Makes you a hero right?”

“A hero,” I laughed biting on the bottom of my lip as unexpected tears threated the surfaces of my eyes. She believed in the TV programs. She loved ER and grey’s anatomy and saw me in those roles where the odds were defied nearly all of the time and an injection could restart a heart. An A&E was nothing like that. Doctors called time of death all of the time in one room while drunk people and hypochondriacs littered Minors and complained they had been waiting more than a few minutes. Most cardiac arrests didn’t survive. The ones that did were nothing short of divine miracles and my hands beating them up for those moments when they were dying had nothing to do about it. Bella’s recant death proved that.  

“No I’m not a hero mum; I’m just a nurse and a sister. I just want to do right by her. Show her that there is some hope out there that she can recover.”

“Well she has the best role middle hast she? I mean look at you” My mother smiled her eyes l lighting up as she looked over in my direction her face full of adoration for all the problems I had overcome. I had to look away and discreetly catch tears on in my hands. Yeah I was fine. I was a fraud.

an update

Hay guys sorry about no new story lately. i have hit a rocky patch and cant get pen to paper so to speek. i am hoping my talent will come back along with my consentration and genral motervation The depression is providing me a lot for me to handle right now soo meh.
however keep checking over on the other site for i am still updating there. After all theres nothing better then some classic Mi it's good to see hoe far she has come and extended chapters are also there, including some bits from Esmee POV.

thanks for yourr understanding, love vikki

(Mi) A part of Esmee

A part of Esmee

Mi

Puking made nothing better. It made everything hurt but it was all that I had in the world right then and I needed to comfort myself in some way, anyway even if my chosen method made the world spin around me and my eyes water in discomfort even if it would kill me I had to make it better meaning I was well and truly stuck in the middle.

Over and over again I pushed my fingers into the back of my throat and watched as green and orange splashed over the side of the toilet bowl making it dirty. I didn’t even live with them yet and I was messing up their breathtakingly beautiful house and that was all I would ever do, be a pain in their side a stain on one of their polished wood floors. I heard that blood and vomit was a bitch to get out.

“Now I know I’m not a nurse Mi but I assume that you’re not meant to be doing that.” Liz said opening the door of the bathroom. I saw her cringe and her noise wrinkle up at the sour smell that hung in the air in thick orange clouds. I ignored her anyway and pushed on. I didn’t want to I know all future judgment of me would rest on this moment. She wanted to see if I was good enough for her daughter and now she would find out I wasn’t.

More vomit splashed up against the side of the toilet pan as I pushed my fingers in further and I yelped at the pain it caused. The pain hurt but it was OK, it would bring me some salvation at the end of it all even if it was to get the dirty feeling out from inside of me.

“Nope didn’t like watching it when Esmee used to do it, still don’t like watching it now.” Liz said cringing but coming closer anyway before crouching down next to me and pulling my slimy fingers out of my mouth and down towards her sides. “I won’t let you hurt yourself Mi; I can’t, not after watching Esmee for so long. You mean more then you will ever know, to all of us.”

“But they did this all for me!” I shouted at Liz making her jump startled at my sudden outburst. They got me all of this stuff and made my room look like something from a fairy tale. It’s purple with wooden flowers and shiny things and I’m black and jagged and dull! I don’t deserve all of this! My own mother didn’t even do this She just shoved me in a room on a second hand bed and beat the shit out of me if I moaned!” I screeched crying hard into the back of my hands.

“But that’s not how it should be Mi. Just because that is the way it was doesn’t mean that it is right. Esmee and Emmet look after all of their foster children like this and even if they have made an extra special effort for you why not? You’re her baby sister. She’s bringing you home. All she wants is you to have the life that you deserved all along. That place and that woman that has hurt you so much are a part of your past now and it never does pay to spend your whole life looking back when the view is so good up ahead.” Liz said gently pulling my trembling body up off of the floor by my elbow and leading me out of the living room back into my grand looking bedroom before she flumped her body down onto the bed making the soft looking mattress bounce and relaxed her head against the head board. She held her arm out to the side and gestured for me to go and sit next to her. “Come on Mi I’m mum I’m not going to hurt you.”

Mum, the word meant nothing to me. Mum wasn’t the character that most people saw as a mother. She never rocked me to sleep as a child or cheered me on at a sports day. She never said I was her perfect little girl and she never put plasters against my cuts and bruises. She had made all my cuts she had and she told me that I was a worthless piece of shit that was no good for her or anyone else. She was meant to protect me but she just watched as her playthings raped me over and over and sold me out as a sex toy because now and again he would throw her a cheap pair of earing’s. The word mum meant nothing to me apart from hurt and pain. She certainly wasn’t someone to trust.

“Ok, I’m Liz mum, not mum, mum, I’m part of Esmee I am safe.”

Part of Esmee, Sweetness and love, the one who put plasters on my cuts the one who rocked me to sleep and the one who made it better in so many ways.     Part of Esmee part of perfection.

Sighing and exhausted I allowed myself to sink down into the mattress, the soft bedding creasing the creases in my skin, I could have curled up and slept there for days not moving or wanting for anything but the dreams that would come for they would be of perfection of soft velvet rivers of crushed blue, of peace of love, of Esmee and Emmet.

“That’s a good girl.” Liz said gently as I let my head fall onto the pillows and she put her arm around my shoulders, the edge of her fingers brushing through the tips of my hair. “I used to do this with Esmee all the time when she was your age. Well it’s been a while but I love it.” I smiled gently moaning slightly to myself, she sounded like Esmee, and she felt like Esmee and without meaning to I let my eyelids close.