people not diagnosis

UGH... i used to be able to write so much better then this. sorry people, i'm trying my best

People not diagnosis

 “Well I hate to butt in but I think that’s enough for one day, maybe you should hit the road Liz before you say something that you really regret.” Emmet said reacting in my absence of a comeback to her. I had nothing. There was nothing. Her words had left me empty. She probably hadn’t known that she hurt me, she probably didn’t even realise what she had said but my mother had always managed to do this to me. Left me breathless floored me with her words but the worst thing was she normally blamed me. I had been diagnosed with BPD what felt like a life time ago but once the initials were mentioned, once on paper they were put beside your name, they never really went away. Even now people used the three initials against me and my mum was one of the worse culprits. She used her words without thinking and then blamed me when they hurt by saying it was my personality disorder talking for me clouding the way things looked inside my mind but maybe it wasn’t that. Maybe it was just the fact that I had spent my entire life trying to be good for my mum and dad, trying to make them proud of me and she had just confirmed that for a huge part of it, in the times when I had needed them the most. I was nothing but a huge disappointment to her. Maybe in those times I was allowed to me heartbroken, Maybe it wasn’t just an age old diagnosis of three letters controlling me, after all if it was now and they were accessing me they would quickly find I had very few of the characteristics Of borderline personality disorder. Why did I always have to be BPD girl? I was Esmee not a box with a name on it.

“I haven’t said anything; I don’t understand why everyone is ganging up on me.”

“Then listen,” I shouted angrily spinning around to turn to my mother, “listen to what you done to her, she two floors up and I can hear her crying!” I shouted my numbness turning hot. I may have disappointed her but I was a bigger person because of my illness, I understood the pain and the fight that went with overcoming an eating disorder and it was now my job to protect my little sister who was going through the same thing. “Anorexia is not a choice, it’s not a diet or a fad or phase people go through. It’s a disease and you have no right to judge unless you are also willing to judge someone with cancer. I was lost to it. Locked somewhere deep inside of it and I couldn’t get out. The worse thing was I didn’t even know that it was killing me.” I sighed turning away from the table and towards the door so I could go and check on Mi even though Emmet squeezed my shoulder to stop me.

“I know you’re disappointed in me,” I whispered with my back still turned away from my mother worried that if I looked at her I might have actually cried. “Sometimes I am disappointed in myself. Sometimes I don’t even know whether I am coming or going but I try my best and with Mi moving here, maybe you should try a bit harder too.”