Esmee : Hnads to hold

Hands to hold

I hadn’t wanted to be blunt. I had wanted her to tell me herself but she had no clue that I already knew what she was hiding and probably thought I was just some stupid interfering over talkative idiot that took her job with her wherever she went so I had no choice to give her game away and really thinking about it I probably should have been honest and blunt with her in the first place. Because of its taboo and society’s uncomfortable disposition around stuff like mental health problems we all tried to hide it; tiptoeing around the subjects with caution. We should have all been screaming about mental health though, if we talked about it enough and used words like depression, schizophrenia, Borderline personality disorder and bipolar we would all soon find out that we would not all disintegrate into dust at the very sound of their names. That many people displayed symptoms of some form of mental illness and many people could recover. If we said the uncomfortable things they wouldn’t be uncomfortable and going to the doctor and telling him that you felt low a lot of the time, cried a lot and sometimes hurt yourself to cope with things would become as normal as going to them because you had a cough or you were feeling sick. As proved by the way I reacted to Kathy even I got sucked into the stigma of it though and instead of pointing out that self-harm was a very real yet very treatable problem I had made a joke about cats instead.

I retreated out of the stall and waited outside until I saw Kathy arrive blinking in the natural light and clutching her bag of pills to her chest. She looked scared now because for her there was only one other thing left to do and that was to take her supply’s and hopes she would slip away. The fear was there because it always was dying no matter how badly you wanted it was unknown territory for any human as we only ever did it once and no one returned to tell us what it was like. As humans we were all programed to fear the unknown from an early age with our parents scaring us with the threat of strangers and other things. Anyone who said they were not the tiniest bit scared of death was lying.  The fear did not me we would commit suicide but it was there only if for a few seconds.

“Kathy honey,” I called getting her attention from where I lent up against the wall, “Why don’t you come and take a walk with me?”  I asked before realizing the only way I could sound any more suspicious was if I had asked her to come home with me and see my new box of kittens or promised her sweets if she came for a ride with me in the car.  “Ok I realize that just made me sound like the child catcher , I wasn’t thinking anything dodgy, well lit public places with lots of people around was want I meant.” She was not convinced

“I have to get home, I’m sorry. I got some stuff to do; it’s sort of long overdue really.”

“Suicide is a very permanent thing Kathy and there are no second chances at life. Those pills will still be there whether you take them right now or you come and spend some time with me. I know you don’t know me but I work with people like you and I have been through some crap too. I am a good listener. I know you are desperate and distressed and want to check out as soon as possible and I have felt like that too but is an hour really going to make a huge difference in this huge thing you are about to do?”

Kathy went white as she comprehended what I was saying to her. Her hands shook and her bottom lip quivered as her eyes threatened tears that she refused to let fall.  With a few words I had knocked a hole in a defence she had been crafting and she was no longer unbreakable. I was unable to tell whether I had granted her any release or whether she was just angry with me. If she had made up her mind and refused my offer I had to make another decision and quick. Did I walk away and leave her and either tomorrow or the next day prepare myself to see the headline “Teenage suicide tragedy.” Or did I stop her, restrain her if necessary and call police and paramedics. They would resolve my situation but they would destroy what was left of Kathy with embracement and that wasn’t even thinking about the fact that the police could do me for assault even if I did use a by the book restraint.

“An hours a long time when you feel like this; even seconds feel unbearable right now,” she whispered. “There was only one thing that ever made it stop and even that isn’t working well anymore, it may have made me crazy but at least it help. Now I just do it because I can’t stop and it’s not like I can tell anyone because I am the only one that I know who does this and everyone would think I am crazy.” 

“You are not crazy and you are not the only one. I can promise you that,” I reassured taking a few steps towards Kathy and offering out my hand for her to take. It seemed stupid but I had seen the power of physical contact especially among the very distressed help more than any words ever could. I had felt it too at my very worse. There was something about a hand to grab onto that made things seem a bit different. It was the hand to save you, something that was willing to protect and anchor you if only for a little while. It was something that you could hold on to a physical solid reassurance offered into a world of demons that could not be seen.

“I cannot make the feelings go away. I have no magic wand that will suddenly make you better but I am here for a little while. I am someone to talk to and you haven’t got to worry about freaking me out with anything you say because to be honest there is a good chance that after I leave you today you will probably never see me again and if nothing else if I felt so bad that I wanted to take my life I think I would just want a hand to hold for a while.”