Three seconds he gave to us *read warning*

*Warning notice* This chapter is fairly horribal. It is very graphic and containse a lot of hard issues that could really easily distress you. I hated writing this, but like so often it is with this story i felt like i just had to. It made sence for me to do it, however it is horribal to read and on a factual basis i am not sure there is much truth in it either but that is the same with the whole story. I am not a doctor. I have no idea about medical things. So to sum up. Nasty chapter be sure that you want to read before you blindly do. I can not put that across enough. thanks! stay safe Vikki x.

 

 Three seconds he gave to us.

The months of my pregnancy forced their way through my head, not one piece of it staying there long enough to work out where it was exactly. My tummy expanded for 21 weeks. He grew inside there. He moved against the walls of my womb and I felt him. I could hear his heart beating and I had been handed two scan photos on white card with the gold lettering “the first time you saw me.” I loved him. It was unconditional. It was beautiful. The origin of him didn’t matter. He was perfect… Then he was gone. Just two weeks later they would have tried for him at the very least and not called him a product of miss carriage. Just one more stupid moth, thirty tiny days inside of me would have given him up to an 80% chance of surviving. He would have been three, older then Mia. I got some blurry photos and some crap about being thirteen, like my age meant that somehow I shouldn’t have cared. The number thirteen was used as an excuse to just throw him and my feelings away in the trash. I would never feel the kind of love again that his beating heart gave to me. The loss of him made my whole body scream with pain. The memory of the first time I saw him obliterated me…

I screamed as Arabella removed my jeans and my underwear and a gush of pure red blood pooled from me onto the floor at the same time as she gave answers to the person on the other end of the phone at the ambulance centre. We both saw it at the same time, something solid amongst the blood and we only realized the horror as the solid thing twitched twice shuddered then fell still. It was Oscar – It was my precious little baby, the pinpoint for all my love. He was tiny and deformed about the size of long pen. He gave three seconds of life to us – less than that. He must have been terrified and cold and alone. I was his mother I should have made all the pain go away for him. I should have been able to protect him and he should never have felt any fear, or the cold. I was meant to keep him warm. He needed a blanket. Somewhere soft to lie. Someone to sing to him as he left, so he wasn’t scared.

I tried to reach for him but I couldn’t, there was no blood left in me to work my muscles and my head span. Arabella reacted though, she grabbed a hand towel from my bed and bent over him before slipping a hand under his back, she hummed gently … then there was black. I came around three days later my bump had gone… he had gone… Nothing.   

The bells, the bells!

I feel i may be a little bit more back on track with this chapter. Good times!

 

The bells, the bells!  (damn right I would make a good Quasimodo)

 “Evening honey,” Esmee smiled as she pushed open my jarred door at about nine thirty that evening to take over from the later shift. It was surprising at home much I had missed her over just one day of her absence. I liked it when she was at work and dreaded the shifts when both of them where at home together. It was a stage feeling and not one that I liked very much but something was changing inside me as well. Deep down it felt like I had outgrown these walls, that there was nothing left there for them to offer me. I no longer hated Apple gate house. I no longer yearned for my life back on the other side of the fence. The vast building that had towered over me felt small now and it was almost cosy. A part of me wanted to stay, and that was the reason I knew it was time for me to go. Apple gate house was a safety net. It gave you an existence but not a life and when I arrived that was OK because I didn’t want one. Now - Well I wasn’t sure… maybe I did… if it was with them.

“Is it home time already?” Ava asked with a smile as she pulled herself up from the corner of my room where she had perched on one of my cushions to keep watch. We had made small talk for the first half an hour of the time but after that we had descended into silence while she skimmed through the pages of a magazine while I added details to a picture of Bella. I had stopped drawing her for a while but my heart missed her with an ach still. Drawing somehow managed to sooth it a little bit even if it did make the salty tears bite at the back of my eyes remembering her face. She was another hand that I would never get to hold again.

“It sure is, get out of here while you still can.” Esmee laughed

“Good plan. I have a load of Christmas presents to wrap up still. I bet you are all done being so super organized.”

“Like hell we are,” Esmee chuckled again, giving Ava a breath hug as she hovered at the door. “I have spent the afternoon with Leo, Lenny my mother and Emmet wrestling with Mia a baby and an attic full of Christmas decorations.”

“A baby?”

“oh, yeaah, that happened yesterday. We got landed a one week old as an emergency. They said 48 hours but they have now asked us to have her till New Year and you know what Emmet is like. He can’t turn away a baby, mushy sod,” Esmee smiled before patting Ava on the back and laughing as she left the room waving goodbye to me.

“So how are we doing then sweet? Rough day? Esmee turned her attention to me.

“Something like that,” I moaned clearing a space on my bed where Esmee could sit down, which she did taking my sketch book into her hands for a few seconds and examine the face in the picture with a smile.

“It’s good to see her smiling. She never seemed to do very much of that in her last few months. Poor little girl. You miss her terribly don’t you?

“There’s an ach, it goes away sometimes, mostly when I just wake up and for those minutes it feels like the swelling has gone and I can breathe but then I remember one of them and it sort of comes back . I think you can learn to live with it though, and drawing helps,” I confirmed taking the sketch book back from Esmee when she offered and closing it. I rubbed at my face roughly with my hands to drive away the tears and it worked for a few seconds, like I had managed to pull the fault lines together but the pain come back as they drifted apart and the sickness that come after the ach engulfed me. The thoughts that I hated always came so close after I thought of death that it made it hard to breath. I had lost everyone I had ever cared about at any great length, and I couldn’t care much more about the woman that now lay back on my bed, her head against the wall with her arms wrested on top of her tummy, a relaxed smile on her face. I had tried not to care about her all that much but I had failed. I felt like the grim reaper hanging over her soul ready to strike whether I wanted to or not. She was far too human and far too fragile, are life’s where so easy put out – like candles in a wind.

I shuddered and took in a deep breath trying to bring my head back to the room. She looked the picture of health. She wasn’t going anywhere fast. She had years left of her life and I would be able to spend a few of them with her. I couldn’t ask for much more than that, except maybe a few more, or batter an option of making her immortal. I smiled; Bella would have been a fan of the last idea.

“I have some news.” Esmee said gently after a few minutes of quiet before tapping her tummy once and straightening her back up on my bed.

“I hoped you would have soon. I’ve been waiting for the announcement,” I smiled scouting over on the bed so I was next to her. I paused for a second debating with myself before allowing myself to rest my hand next to hers across her tummy.  

“You already know, well that’s no fun you were going to be the first person I announced it too,” Esmee grumbled in a fake strop, her bottom lip pointing out in the most adorable fashion next to her bright black eyes.

“Know what?” I asked playing dumb for her.

“I’m pregnant honey. 12 weeks. Look.” She took a small white card out of her pocket with the words “the first time you saw me” written on the front in silver.

I had to swallow sickness and hide a grimace with a smile as I curled my fingers around the edge of the textured cardboard so I could open the cover and peer at the grainy image of an outlined baby. I pushed hard back at the flash back that tried to swamp me but it only served to make it worse.  Now only the most painful bits broke through into the forefront of her my memory. I could feel how her hand was on mine – the coldness of the gell and the flashes on the screen – I could remember the elation – here the beating of a tiny little heart. I thought we had had forever.

I squinted hard against the memory’s as I tried to flip open the cover. I pulled my stomach muscles in tight as I dug my nails into the flesh of my leg. Now was not my time to ruin. It was her magic, her baby, her tiny beating heart and I would not ruin it for anything. I could be strong against my own head. I had to be.

“Ok… it’s OK,” Esmee eventually said as I tried with all my effort to make sense of the blurry lines in front of me as his heartbeat thundered like the bells of Notre Dame. She carefully removed the picture from my hand and folded it into her pocket before I could protest that I was fine and I wanted to see properly.

“I’m here.” She budged up closer to me so are side where touching and she laced her fingers through my hand and squeezed tightly, “ We’re going to have this flash back,” she confirmed, “We are going to let It happen, we are going to deal with anything that comes with it then we are going to look at this scan… Together, from now on we are going to do these things together.”   

Welcome to the bears honey

Once again i am not sure this has been taken in the right direction... but i am going with it for now.

Welcome to the bears honey

It took Emmet over four hours to calm me down enough to leave the ECA but I left with a plan on a piece of paper clung to my chest that was going to be hung on the wall beside my bed so when the fear took me I could look at it And hopefully it would calm me down. It was an agreement of how the new arrangement at Newway close was going to work and both of us had made sacrifices on how we would have liked things but it was a start. It was something solid that I could look upon when I was convinced that I would fail. It was a new plan for my life. A better one, and we called it the Newway agreement.

The Newway agreement

14 Newway close will become Mi’s home and not a unit. She will become one of the family, and she will be loved and protected. It will be a safe place with safe people where she will not feel threatened abused or hurt. While the home is a family unit it has to be acknowledged that it is a big step from the hospital and for the first few weeks and months “rules and guidance” around certain issues will have to be implemented to help Mi make the transition into full family living as smooth as one as possible. Mi has discussed some “issues” that she feels “threatened and scared” by in the family home and Emmet and Esmee have agreed on “improving” their home to try and combat these. Mi has also agreed to try very hard  to keep to her part of the deal but is not expected to promise them as mental health issues can be very overwhelming and uncontrollable. Below are the points that have so far been agreed upon.

·         On arrival to the house Mi is to try very hard to hand in all sharps to either Emmet or Esmee for safe keeping. Sharps will be handed out to Mi on her request but if the intended use is self- harm Mi will be expected to try and “hold out” for at least five minutes with either Emmet or Esmee before commencing to cut herself.

·         While Mi is in the possession of sharps an “observation” will be put in place to make sure things are kept at a “safe” level.

·         Sharps will be confiscated if the self- harming behaviour becomes “too dangerous” this will be at the discretion of Emmet or Esmee.

·         Sharps will not be given if it is believed by either Emmet or Esmee that Suicide is the intention for the request.

·         Mi is too only self-harm in her room or her bathroom for Mia’s safety

·         All sharps are to be disposed of in the yellow sharps box for Mia’s safety.

·         A child lock will be fitted to the cupboard with the cleaning chemicals. Getting into to this cupboard will still be fairly easy but the lock will hopefully be a distraction. A note will also be put on the inside of the door encouraging Mi to “scream bloody murder” if she intends to use the chemicals for self-harm.

·         For the time being the knife block will be put into a cupboard with the same precautions as above

·         For however long is needed a lock will be used on the medicine cupboard that Mi will not know the combination to. All tablets are to be kept in this cupboard with no exceptions. In the event of an overdose Mi will try very hard to tell Emmet or Esmee or to seek medical attention.

·         After a good routine is in place and Mi feels comfortable. The lock on the medicine cabinet will sometimes be left off and replaced with a child lock and note. Mi will not be informed when these times are and the cabinet will not be left “unprotected” for any more than four hours at a time.   

·         For the first few weeks Emmet and Esmee’s razors will be locked away with gradual reintegration to their set places in the house.

·         The razor Mi uses for shaving will slowly be introduced to Mi’s bathroom after time.

·         There will be no physical restrictions to the food cupboards but Mi will try hard and be encouraged to seek help if she feels like binging and purging.

·         Meal times are still mandatory. Everyone will eat together in a non-judgemental way.

·         For no more than ten days toilet visits up to an hour after meals will not be allowed unless monitored by either Emmet or Esmee standing outside the unlocked door. This “rule” will also apply if a meal has been particularly “difficult” outside the ten day agreement.

While these things are expected, it has to be known that everyone is human and no one is perfect. People make mistakes and it does not change the love that someone feels inside them. Mi is a part of this family now, and Emmet and Esmee couldn’t be more prod or delighted to have her in their lives. Welcome to the bears honey.

My father

OK, so i'm not sure about this. I found it very comforting to write and for that reasion i love it but i am worried that it just doesn't "fit" quite right but then i think it is about time Emmet expresses his feeling a bit more openly like Esmee does. Hmmmm..... what do you think. Do i need to re-do this and take it off in a whole new direction?

My father

 

“I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
Who loved his daughter more than I love you”

Father and Duaghter, by

Paul Simons

 

 I wept openly yet shamefully time I finished rubbing my skin off in the shower. I didn’t want comfort and I ignored any words of sympathy that Lee tried to offer as I climbed into the ECA suitable clothes that had been delivered around the edge of the door by Emmet’s hand. I only cried because I couldn’t stop the tears and was painfully aware of the involuntary sniffs and jerky breaths that escaped my chest as my shoulders shook.

“Come on sweet heart,” Lee said sympathetically lightly placing her hand to my back after I had got changed still wet. The bathroom door opened with a pop as she slid her knew key card gingerly through the gap and I slipped out into the now vomit and urine free ECA even if it did smell intoxicating full of cleaning chemicals.

“This place is lethal.” Emmet said from the open door of the ECA as he tried to waft the chemical smell out of the door. A few minutes in here and we will all be unconscious. We are going to have to make a short trip to ECA two. One of us will need to hold onto your arm Mi when we go across. I won’t lie to you it’s a semi restraint but once again it’s protocol. I have to keep you in an ECA for at least an hour once you are admitted to one and any movement between ECA’s has to be done under some form of moving restraint.”

I lifted out one of my arms in obedience for either Lee or Emmet to grab hold of even though I stayed with my eyes glued to the floor. I once again gave me best effort to control my shaking shoulders but couldn’t and as soon as I felt Emmet touch my arm it only made it harder for me not to break out in full sobbing.

“You’re going to be OK,” he said gently as my feet stumbled out of the ECA door, out of the nurses’ station across the corridor and into ECA 2 with what felt like a thousand eyes on me even though the corridor was empty. I knew that clients would be watching though. You learnt how to peep through cracks in the doors to see escorts like this with a mixture of relief and sympathy inside your heart. The relief was because it wasn’t you. The sympathy was because chances where, at least once, you had felt everything they were feeling. 

I let go of Emmet when the door closed behind me in ECA two like a good girl and looked around the room to make sure there wasn’t something different that I had missed. I hadn’t, it was exactly the same as ECA one minus the cleaner smell. This room had not aged at all in the whole seven months.

“I have got it from here Lee, if you want to go and meet some of the other clients or even get to grips with writing the day books that would be great,” Emmet instructed holding the ECA door open to let Lee out. She nodded once nervously before offering me a sad smile and leaving. From that moment on whenever she was on shift and she caught a glimpse of me she would first and for most remember me as the girl who wet herself and had to get naked in front of her. I sure new how to make a first impression.

“Do you need to chat?” Emmet asked after the door closed with a click behind Lee blocking out all of the natural light. “Or would you rather I left and tried to find a doctor who could give me the go ahead to lower your observations?” I couldn’t give him a proper answer so I shrugged my still shaking shoulders while I sniffed with the waves of tears. In my head I prayed that he wouldn’t leave me. I prayed that he had some comfort to give me so it could start to feel better again.

“I’ll stay then. I don’t really want to leave you on your own when you’re so very upset. I’m going to sit down here OK, if there is anything that I can do to help you let me know.”

“I can’t stop crying,” I complained smiling even though more tears fell from my eyes and my body shook.

“Then you’re not ready to honey and that’s OK, sometimes you just need to cry things out. I know you aren’t very uncomfortable with tears but I’m still OK with them and I’m still here for you.” I couldn’t argue with that. He had never turned his back on me. In the last seven months I had dealt out the shit and he had taken it before coming back and asking for more just so he could prove to me that there was some goodness still left in the world. He had slowly but surely proven to me that sometimes people didn’t leave if you said the wrong things or made mistakes but I was still scared of that more than anything else in the world.

I chose the spot on the floor next to him and sat down. The truth was I wanted to crawl into his lap and curl into a ball and it was there that I wanted to stay. He could keep me safe from blades and pills and food. He could even get the confused feelings that came with Connor to leave me alone.

“I can’t remember,” I stuttered wrapping my arms around me in the absence of someone else to put them around. “I tried all night… but I just can’t remember,” I moaned pressing my hands into my eyes as the tears made me take in a sharp breath that hurt my ribs.

“What can’t you remember?”

“The exact colour of my new room - or the colour of Esmee’s and yours, I can’ remember the design on Mia’s cot or the tiles in your kitchen. I tried all night to remember but I just couldn’t.  What I do remember is what type of razor blade you use and exactly where it is on the bathroom wall. I know that Esmee’s is hot pink and it is on the side of the bath. I know that the medicine cabinet in the family bathroom isn’t looked and in there you have exactly 32 Paracetamol, 28 ibuprofen, 60 venlaflazin tablets and a bottle of folic acid. There is a bottle and a half of calpoe in there and a pair of nail scissors. You’re knife block is clear and has exactly 8 knives in it and two pairs of sharp scissors. You keep the bleach and cleaning things in the cupboard just above the sink to the right. In the living room there was a pair of hair straighteners on the side with candela lighter and a pencil sharpener.” The tears made me take in another sharp intake of breath but there were still more that I could say - So many ways to self-destruct where beckoning to me.   

“That’s some very scary thoughts you have going on there. I can understand why things have got on top of you but I think I should try and assure you that that apprehension about leaving a safe place and going back to something more main stream gets to everyone and you have been here for a really long time. It is also very normal that those are the things that you remember the most about our house. The good news is now that we have identified the problem we can make a plan on how mw can make this easier for you.”

“I don’t think you can,” I moaned trying desperately to remember the number of roses that where carved into the wood of my new bed that awaited me. It was nine or ten, or maybe even eleven or twelve. I should have known like I knew about the tablets, it felt unforgivable that I had learnt about all the ways I could check out of their home before I had even checked in. I would fail at their house. I would take those pills and use their razors to slit my wrists in a room that I didn’t even know the colour of and then they would hate me. They would feel rage towards my presence in there otherwise organized house. They would regret their decision to have me every time I entered in a room. They would loath every cell of me and all I would be able to remember was what they had in there medicine cabinet. I would lose them for the sake of tiny white pills.

“Mi we can do things…”

“I don’t want you to hate me!” I stuttered cutting Emmet off - the words that I feared exploding form my lips before there was a way to stop them. My whole body shuddered and shook harder to hold the sobs back now. The thought was too much inside my pounding head. “I want you to love me! I need you to love me, not just tolerate me! I need you to be proud of me but I am no good! I will fail! I will cut myself inside your house and I will bleed on your floors and then you will hate me but I need you to love me!” I shouted in full force now, as I got to my feet and scampered over to the other side of the room away from Emmet. I could hardly breathe as I let the terrifying thought consume me. They were in my life now. They were so intertwined with me that them leaving me was just an impossible hurt to bear. After A-bell had died I told myself that I would never feel anything like I had felt for her ever again. Then they came, and I lost my heart somewhere with there’s. There was nothing better in the world to break your heart then a pure all-consuming love.

 “Mi, Mi. Stop…stop.” Emmet comforted as I pushed at the walls. He got to his feet and came over to me wrapping one of his arms over my shoulder from behind and bringing it gently across my chest.

“No, don’t,” I moaned, it hurts, let me go” I whimpered my body sagging slightly, half of it in agony from his touch and the other half feeling sick with relief.

“I love you,” He whispered tightening his grip around me. “I will love you no matter what is in the future. You are good and I am proud of you and you will never change those feelings in me no matter how you harm yourself or push me away. I love you like a daughter,” Emmet whispered even more gently to fully make sure that the cameras could not pick up what he was saying. “You are loved and always will be. You belong in our home Mi and I will fight to make that happen. I know it is hard, but you will have to trust me that I will do anything I can to make it OK. I will protect you sweetheart… As if you where my own … … I promise.”