Three seconds he gave to us *read warning*

*Warning notice* This chapter is fairly horribal. It is very graphic and containse a lot of hard issues that could really easily distress you. I hated writing this, but like so often it is with this story i felt like i just had to. It made sence for me to do it, however it is horribal to read and on a factual basis i am not sure there is much truth in it either but that is the same with the whole story. I am not a doctor. I have no idea about medical things. So to sum up. Nasty chapter be sure that you want to read before you blindly do. I can not put that across enough. thanks! stay safe Vikki x.

 

 Three seconds he gave to us.

The months of my pregnancy forced their way through my head, not one piece of it staying there long enough to work out where it was exactly. My tummy expanded for 21 weeks. He grew inside there. He moved against the walls of my womb and I felt him. I could hear his heart beating and I had been handed two scan photos on white card with the gold lettering “the first time you saw me.” I loved him. It was unconditional. It was beautiful. The origin of him didn’t matter. He was perfect… Then he was gone. Just two weeks later they would have tried for him at the very least and not called him a product of miss carriage. Just one more stupid moth, thirty tiny days inside of me would have given him up to an 80% chance of surviving. He would have been three, older then Mia. I got some blurry photos and some crap about being thirteen, like my age meant that somehow I shouldn’t have cared. The number thirteen was used as an excuse to just throw him and my feelings away in the trash. I would never feel the kind of love again that his beating heart gave to me. The loss of him made my whole body scream with pain. The memory of the first time I saw him obliterated me…

I screamed as Arabella removed my jeans and my underwear and a gush of pure red blood pooled from me onto the floor at the same time as she gave answers to the person on the other end of the phone at the ambulance centre. We both saw it at the same time, something solid amongst the blood and we only realized the horror as the solid thing twitched twice shuddered then fell still. It was Oscar – It was my precious little baby, the pinpoint for all my love. He was tiny and deformed about the size of long pen. He gave three seconds of life to us – less than that. He must have been terrified and cold and alone. I was his mother I should have made all the pain go away for him. I should have been able to protect him and he should never have felt any fear, or the cold. I was meant to keep him warm. He needed a blanket. Somewhere soft to lie. Someone to sing to him as he left, so he wasn’t scared.

I tried to reach for him but I couldn’t, there was no blood left in me to work my muscles and my head span. Arabella reacted though, she grabbed a hand towel from my bed and bent over him before slipping a hand under his back, she hummed gently … then there was black. I came around three days later my bump had gone… he had gone… Nothing.