Sharp secrets
Mi
I felt numb
inside as I wondered back into my room and closed the door on the rest of the
world. I wanted to go to sleep. I wanted to pretend that I had never gone
looking behind other peoples doors and let someone else find her. The staff
would have got to her eventually and then it could have been there mess. The
trouble was, I was lying to myself as well. For as much as I wanted to be
sleeping I wanted to be back in Hev’s room doing something useful. Esmee though
kind and most certainly capable of dealing with self-harm lacked the ability to
talk to her and there was so much in my head that should have been said. Hev
was meant to be fine. We had all come to expect that of her over time. She was
scared when she first came but after that she just fitted in with no problems.
She didn’t cut herself or run the staff in circles even Crystal found it hard
to hate her because she never demanded any attention from her. It wasn’t right
that it changed and I wanted to put it right somehow. I wanted to swap my legs
with hers and make her feel better. It seemed wrong that she would be the one
going to bed with sore legs wrapped in bandages but she would be and I felt her
pain.
“Hello sweet
heart. How are you doing?” Esmee asked coming into my room after I stared at
the ceiling from my bed for what must have been over an hour. Everyone else had
been sent to bed by staff ten minutes ago and the corridors where cast in the
thick forced quietness that come with the evenings with just the very distant
sound of the night stations TV floating up the stairs. It was impossible to
tell what was on. “Are you going to put
you pyjamas on and get ready for bed? Do you want a sleeping pill?”
I shook my
head and sat up on the bed though my body didn’t want to. It felt like I could
have stayed there not moving and not feeling for days if I had had the choice. Things
where unfair. Good people got hurt and I was done with it.
“Is she ok?”
“Someone’s
watching her. She’s going to be fine Mi.”
“You really
think its fine. You think its fine that someone like Hev has somehow managed to
land up on red observations. It’s not fine Esmee,” I stopped the feelings
burning at my voice. “It’s not fine”
“I know that
things don’t feel ok and this is a really hard one to get around but what I was
trying to say Is Hev is being looked after now so this won’t happen again,”
Esmee said coming over to the bed and sitting next to me placing her hand on my
back
“I mean how
the hell did it happen. It isn’t like you hand blades out or make it easy. What
did she use?”
“Come on Mi
you of all people know that where there’s a will there’s a way. There’s no need
to play dumb with me. I don’t know how she managed to get hold of a pencil sharpener
blade.
My insides
froze and my body shivered as Esmee’s words dug somewhere uncomfortable into my
soul. They may not have known where the blade come from but I did. I thought
that it was only me that had found the little pot of treasures that shone at me
from Doctor Jordan’s desk. I thought that I was the only one that new there was
a chance to get out when things got to tough, but other people had seen it too and
it was hurting them and people like Hev where to beautiful to hurt.
“I know,” I
stuttered not knowing what had come over me or why my mouth was betraying the
bit of me that demanded I kept the whereabouts of the blades top secret “I know
where she got the blade from.”
