sharp secrets (Mi's side)

Sharp secrets

Mi

I felt numb inside as I wondered back into my room and closed the door on the rest of the world. I wanted to go to sleep. I wanted to pretend that I had never gone looking behind other peoples doors and let someone else find her. The staff would have got to her eventually and then it could have been there mess. The trouble was, I was lying to myself as well. For as much as I wanted to be sleeping I wanted to be back in Hev’s room doing something useful. Esmee though kind and most certainly capable of dealing with self-harm lacked the ability to talk to her and there was so much in my head that should have been said. Hev was meant to be fine. We had all come to expect that of her over time. She was scared when she first came but after that she just fitted in with no problems. She didn’t cut herself or run the staff in circles even Crystal found it hard to hate her because she never demanded any attention from her. It wasn’t right that it changed and I wanted to put it right somehow. I wanted to swap my legs with hers and make her feel better. It seemed wrong that she would be the one going to bed with sore legs wrapped in bandages but she would be and I felt her pain.

“Hello sweet heart. How are you doing?” Esmee asked coming into my room after I stared at the ceiling from my bed for what must have been over an hour. Everyone else had been sent to bed by staff ten minutes ago and the corridors where cast in the thick forced quietness that come with the evenings with just the very distant sound of the night stations TV floating up the stairs. It was impossible to tell what was on.  “Are you going to put you pyjamas on and get ready for bed? Do you want a sleeping pill?”

I shook my head and sat up on the bed though my body didn’t want to. It felt like I could have stayed there not moving and not feeling for days if I had had the choice. Things where unfair. Good people got hurt and I was done with it.

“Is she ok?”

“Someone’s watching her. She’s going to be fine Mi.”

“You really think its fine. You think its fine that someone like Hev has somehow managed to land up on red observations. It’s not fine Esmee,” I stopped the feelings burning at my voice. “It’s not fine”

“I know that things don’t feel ok and this is a really hard one to get around but what I was trying to say Is Hev is being looked after now so this won’t happen again,” Esmee said coming over to the bed and sitting next to me placing her hand on my back

“I mean how the hell did it happen. It isn’t like you hand blades out or make it easy. What did she use?”

“Come on Mi you of all people know that where there’s a will there’s a way. There’s no need to play dumb with me. I don’t know how she managed to get hold of a pencil sharpener blade.

My insides froze and my body shivered as Esmee’s words dug somewhere uncomfortable into my soul. They may not have known where the blade come from but I did. I thought that it was only me that had found the little pot of treasures that shone at me from Doctor Jordan’s desk. I thought that I was the only one that new there was a chance to get out when things got to tough, but other people had seen it too and it was hurting them and people like Hev where to beautiful to hurt.

“I know,” I stuttered not knowing what had come over me or why my mouth was betraying the bit of me that demanded I kept the whereabouts of the blades top secret “I know where she got the blade from.”