the last blade

The last blade

The rest of my breath left me in a rush, my whole body reacting to the loss of my biggest secret. My arms and legs scrambled as what I said registered fully in my brain and they reacted braking out of the peaceful position I had been in lied against Esmee’s chest. I couldn’t breathe or see as I realised what I had done. Everything was falling.

“ Hay, it’s OK, It’s OK. I’m still here. I’m not going anywhere.” I tried to focus on her face even though my eyes refused to. I knew if there was one thing in the world that had a chance of calming the storm before it happened it would be her. If I could get myself to really look into her ebony eyes I could see what I had done for what it was rather then what it felt like but the monsters wanted me to lash out. My bones wanted to crumble against the walls.

I reacted on instinct rather than the knowledge of what would happen if I allowed emotions to let go and I got to my feet. It was stupid what I was going to do, my head screamed that I had to stop but I reacted on the drive that instantly wanted to see the blood that meant I was so brutally alive and dived into my cupboard. It was my last secret, my last plan, my last escape, the last blade.

I cut my arm five times with force through the sleeves of my top before Esmee had any idea what I was doing and I had no idea how I was going to stop again. It had been weeks. I had no many how many exactly but the elation was instant. I remembered it, all of it. The glorious rush of pure untainted relief that it offered flowed like molten gold through my veins and my chest expanded with air that I was convinced would never come.

I cut again with a chirp as I watched the blood rise from the jagged cuts and spill down my arms and over my fingers onto the floor before Esmee moved in a flash and came to a stop just in my field of vision the look of horror on her face. I wanted to stop for her but I never wanted to stop again. The blade pulsed so demanding in my hand but her face haunted my vision.

“Mi stop, that’s enough. You have done enough.” Esmee stated firmly her voice trying not to quiver as she stood in front of me and held out her hand. “Give it to me. Give me the blade.” To refuse her was impossible but to give up the last blade I was ever going to get my hands on was as insane to my messed up head. I wanted to hand it over to her. I wanted nothing more than to ease the look of horror that was etched onto her face. I growled in my frustration as I felt the warm sticky blood fall in little streams from my fingertips and onto the dark blue carpet that was underneath but the blade pulsed so angrily in my hands because I wasn’t using it. It was my last chance to cut. It was my last chance to ever feel the kind of strange clam it gave to me. It was my last chance to be able to breath like I had when the blade sliced through the flesh and whatever her face said, not matter how much her voice silently pleaded with me to give her the weapon and no matter how much I didn’t want to let her down I wanted to cut more. I couldn’t stand a life where I couldn’t feel the sharpness of steal under my skin.

“I’m so sorry,” I moaned as I lifted the blade up in my hand and pressed the edge with force through one of the rips in my sleeve so I could take delight in the skin pulling apart.

“So am I,” Esmee moaned before I knew what she was doing and she set off her RRA before stepping forward to me and swiping my feet out for underneath myself at the same time as twisting my hand back so the precious metal fell from my hand and landed on the floor. Everything ended.