as good as blood

As good as blood

I could have shrieked. It would have been excusable and I considered it but something in me went down quietly. I couldn’t or didn’t want to fight Esmee or the rest of the staff and I knew better then anyone what they had planned for me. I didn’t even struggle to get Esmee off of my back there was no point somehow even though I was now so much physically bigger she was still stronger than me and I didn’t want to risk damaging her.

It took minutes for me to hear the rumblings on the stairs and the clatter as two more nurses looked for the alarm that was coming from Esmee’s wrist and about two minutes for the door of my room to be pushed violently open. It was Edward and Ava and they knew what to do instantly as they witnessed Esmee’s uncomfortable position on top of me. I braced myself to feel their hands on my body.

“She’s cut herself in front of me. I tried to get the blade off of her but she wouldn’t give it up. Be careful Edward she dropped the blade where you’re kneeling.” Esmee rattled of the facts as I almost chocked under the new pressure I felt on my chest from Edward’s hands. “I think we will transfer to the ECA for the time being just to make sure Mi has got some self-control back.”

It seemed so unfair. I had been the very image of self-control since she restrained me. I didn’t need padded walls or someone looking at me to make sure I was OK. I gave up without the fight I could have put up. I gave up without everything. I had just wanted to cut. There had been a time not so long ago when she had needed that too.

I was in the air before I knew it. They gave me no warning before they lifted me clean off of the ground and was carrying me face down through the corridors of the unit towards there destination. I remembered the first time they had carried me this way I had gone for the yellow sharps box in the clinic room and Crystal had demanded her own way. I had screamed the entire way to the ECA and only Bella had the nerve to ask why. I didn’t scream now and Bella wouldn’t ask why it just didn’t matter anymore.

“I’m going to stay with her.” Esmee announced as they pushed open the door to ECA one and laid me down on the mattress that was in the corner of the room. “Ava can you go down to the clinic room and bring me up some supplies so I can deal with her cuts please. There’s no need to man CCTV at the moment as I’m going to be in here anyway but what with all the new red’s tonight it might be a good idea for you to get on the blower and see if you can get us some more man power Edward just in case we need to man it later.”

Ava and Edward left without talking to me once. I tried not to make a noise as I watched the padded door close in on itself leaving me inside it. I didn’t want to be there. It was a void at the centre of the earth where life itself stood still and I was stuck right in the middle of it lied out on a mattress with no sheet. I always ended up here, even when I promises it was the last time ever I always landed back up on the mattress where time stood still. I wanted out.

“I don’t suppose you are going to want to speak to me right now after this,” Esmee said as she pulled gloves on beside me and went down to her knees beside where I was laying. “It’s all right to feel angry with me Mi I’m sure if I where in your position I would be angry too but is it OK if I have a look at your arm please.”

I wasn’t exactly angry with her. I had known when I chose to cut instead of handing the blade over I was sealing my fate of how it was going to end. It could have been different and I knew it. Instead of locked inside padded walls I could have been sat in the clinic room being stitched up by now without the need for any of this but I just couldn’t make that choice. At the time and somehow even now it seemed an impossible option no matter how much more preferable it was to being locked away it was like I enjoyed punishing myself.

“I’m not angry with you. You did what you had to do. I just hate the ECA,” I moaned sitting up and lifting the cut sleeve on my arm so Esmee could see the cuts underneath. They were fairly deep and still pushing blood towards the surface where it smudged onto my arm but they were better than they could have been in a way so much more better then I wanted them. A part of me wanted to keep on bleeding though the efforts of trying to stop it. No matter how it had ended it had still felt amazing to cut and I couldn’t regret it. I just regretted the situation.

“I’m going to have to stitch a few of these I’m afraid,” Esmee said getting to her feet and going to the toilet in the side of the room and getting some towels. “Do you want to put some pressure on those wounds for me,” she asked handing me one.

“No, not really,” I stuttered the tears somehow working their way through the emptiness. The thought of covering the cuts seemed too much to bare. I wanted the blood too keep flowing through my fingers and over my arms and never stop it was too important to stem with a towel, the wounds meant too much to stitch up. “I don’t want the bleeding to stop,” I admitted. “I didn’t want to stop. You stopped me and I wasn’t done. Don’t you get it? I need this it’s not as simple as just looking me away and pretending.”

“Mi in this setting I have no choice but to stop any self-harming behaviour. I cannot let you harm yourself, it’s absolute, however I do know how you’re feeling and I know how hard it is but it does get better and you’re not alone. I’m right here and I won’t leave you,” Esmee promised gently putting her arm around my shoulder at the same time as pressing the towel down hard over the wounds. She was almost as good as the blood.