Keep me safe. Mi

Keep me safe

I tried to concentrate on my breathing for a few seconds before I spoke again. Vomit fluttered in a ball inside me but it seemed to be contented to stay down for now.

“Here you go sweet,” Emmet said holding a damp towel to my forehead. “You look a bit hot my dear. Do you also want to rinse you mouth out with some water try and get rid of the taste.”

I got unsteadily to my feet with the help of Emmet and went over to the sink before scooping water up with my hands into my mouth. I also enjoyed the spray hitting me in the face I could have stayed there for hours but I pulled myself away and turned the taps off.

“Why don’t you go back out and sit with Esmee for a bit and I will get rid of this.” He said referring to the bucket of sick. “She will look after you.”

I left the room again still in a particle daze. I am not sure what had happened where the anger in my veins had retreated to. It just niggled now. I could have cut. Maybe I still even wanted to in a part of me, it would have still been easy. It would have still be a release. I no longer needed to though. There was a tiny part that was surviving without blades, blood and bandages. I was also, very suddenly, very tiered like I could have slept for days, however I knew what awaited me when I wondered back up those stares. They would be waiting and they would probably destroy me.

“How are you feeling now Honey?” Esmee asked signalling for me to sit down next to her on the bed. “I am going to be very nursey and ask you on a scale of one to ten.”

“And I am going to be very annoying and not answer,” I smiled “I’m Ok. I feel better. Just tiered as I bet you are.” 

“I’m fine hon, we both are, but if you are wanting to go back to bed that’s fine too.”  

“I am too scared,” I admitted. “I don’t think I am strong enough right now to face what is waiting for me. I never have been able to give up a blade and they are up there waiting on my bed.”

“I can get rid of them for you sweet. All you have to do is say that’s ok.”

“I wish I could do that. I wish I was that strong.” I sighed leaning back on the bed on one arm. The mattress tried to drag me into it. Inviting me to stay there, and I wanted to. I didn’t want Esmee to leave I felt a little stronger in her presence.

“How about you and I go up to your room together. The blades will still be there yes and you could still use them however you would have to cut in front of me.”

I wanted to cry again there was no answer that I liked the sound of. There was part of me, a desperate part that wanted the control to be removed. I wanted someone to march up to my bedroom remove the blades and tell me that I would not be cutting myself.  Maybe that as what I still needed. If I was in the walls of Apple gate that is what they would have been doing. It was hard to see them past the front of nurse. I loved them like family but perhaps I still needed a nurse.

“Please don’t let me use them Esmee” I whined before putting my face in my hands “Please keep me safe.”  

They're worth all of it. Mi

They’re worth all of it

Mi

My body hurt. It was cold and hot and in pain. I had no idea what I was doing. The pain could have been over by now. Emmet nor Esmee or anyone else would have had to none about it. Before Apple gate house, before nurses or Lorazepam injections or restraints where I couldn’t breathe I had been an expert. I had been a cutter a good cutter. I hid it under sleeves and I had never needed stitches and even if I did I had sorted it. A master at my craft. I was good with cutting it had helped me but now, for some strange reason I had chosen against it. I had chosen this pain, this complete hell.

“Try to relax,” Esmee instructed trying to fit her arms around me better but my bones where like shards of glass cutting into the mattress and her arms and breaking my lings making it feel like my chest was filling with blood. I was drowning on dry land. Vomit and bile glued itself inside my stomach. I wanted to vomit but I couldn’t. I wanted so much.

“Is there anything I can do more to help Emmet asked throwing a tee shirt on before sitting on bottom edge of the bed by my feet, they still trembled stiffly the muscles hurting as they arched in towards the toes.

I smiled at him through the pain. I could think of a hundred things to be done but it didn’t want to hurt them more. That had changed to. Cutting never cared and neither had I, It didn’t matter who I had taken down but now I had to care about them. Cutting till didn’t and I think that’s why it hurt because I knew in my heart I shouldn’t cut any more not even if I really needed to.

“I feel a bit sick I swallowed my eyes screwed shut. I tied to feel Esmee more than see her. I wanted to concentrate on the softness of her arms and the scent of her skin and hair. Strawberries and a sweat perfume they had called me before they had made me whole when I wasn’t.

“Do you think you’re going to vomit?” Emmet asked getting to his feet and touching my arm gently. It felt like electric shocks setting my skin on fire. Not so much powerful but awakening. The nausea rolled up to my mouth.

“Bathroom.” I choked out scrabbling out of Esme’s arms and to my feet my hand pressed over my mouth my tummy muscles heaving upwards.

“Come on, quick, threw here,” Emmet said grabbing my elbow and towing me throw the door at the end of their bedroom the led to a small but cozy en suit. “Here.” Emmet handed me a bucket under the sink and pushed me down to sit on the toilet seat. I vomited forcefully almost missing the bucket as Emmet took my hair and held it back over my shoulders.

“All right, good girl,” He soothed as I heaved uncomfortably my eyes and nose running. My stomach pushing upwards. It was somewhat helping to vomit like I was getting something out of me, something I could see it wasn’t the same as cutting it wouldn’t defeat the demons but it was always better to be empty after all this time.

“I’m sorry,” I moaned wiping my eyes with the back of my hands.

“Not your fault honey. What did I say if your sick we will clean it up no big deal,” He smiled taking the bucket off of my lap and handing my some tissue so I could wipe my nose and mouth. I smiled again. He was worth fighting for he was worth going through the pain for he was worth living for