They're worth all of it. Mi

They’re worth all of it

Mi

My body hurt. It was cold and hot and in pain. I had no idea what I was doing. The pain could have been over by now. Emmet nor Esmee or anyone else would have had to none about it. Before Apple gate house, before nurses or Lorazepam injections or restraints where I couldn’t breathe I had been an expert. I had been a cutter a good cutter. I hid it under sleeves and I had never needed stitches and even if I did I had sorted it. A master at my craft. I was good with cutting it had helped me but now, for some strange reason I had chosen against it. I had chosen this pain, this complete hell.

“Try to relax,” Esmee instructed trying to fit her arms around me better but my bones where like shards of glass cutting into the mattress and her arms and breaking my lings making it feel like my chest was filling with blood. I was drowning on dry land. Vomit and bile glued itself inside my stomach. I wanted to vomit but I couldn’t. I wanted so much.

“Is there anything I can do more to help Emmet asked throwing a tee shirt on before sitting on bottom edge of the bed by my feet, they still trembled stiffly the muscles hurting as they arched in towards the toes.

I smiled at him through the pain. I could think of a hundred things to be done but it didn’t want to hurt them more. That had changed to. Cutting never cared and neither had I, It didn’t matter who I had taken down but now I had to care about them. Cutting till didn’t and I think that’s why it hurt because I knew in my heart I shouldn’t cut any more not even if I really needed to.

“I feel a bit sick I swallowed my eyes screwed shut. I tied to feel Esmee more than see her. I wanted to concentrate on the softness of her arms and the scent of her skin and hair. Strawberries and a sweat perfume they had called me before they had made me whole when I wasn’t.

“Do you think you’re going to vomit?” Emmet asked getting to his feet and touching my arm gently. It felt like electric shocks setting my skin on fire. Not so much powerful but awakening. The nausea rolled up to my mouth.

“Bathroom.” I choked out scrabbling out of Esme’s arms and to my feet my hand pressed over my mouth my tummy muscles heaving upwards.

“Come on, quick, threw here,” Emmet said grabbing my elbow and towing me throw the door at the end of their bedroom the led to a small but cozy en suit. “Here.” Emmet handed me a bucket under the sink and pushed me down to sit on the toilet seat. I vomited forcefully almost missing the bucket as Emmet took my hair and held it back over my shoulders.

“All right, good girl,” He soothed as I heaved uncomfortably my eyes and nose running. My stomach pushing upwards. It was somewhat helping to vomit like I was getting something out of me, something I could see it wasn’t the same as cutting it wouldn’t defeat the demons but it was always better to be empty after all this time.

“I’m sorry,” I moaned wiping my eyes with the back of my hands.

“Not your fault honey. What did I say if your sick we will clean it up no big deal,” He smiled taking the bucket off of my lap and handing my some tissue so I could wipe my nose and mouth. I smiled again. He was worth fighting for he was worth going through the pain for he was worth living for