They’re worth all of it
Mi
My body hurt. It was cold and hot and in pain. I had no idea
what I was doing. The pain could have been over by now. Emmet nor Esmee or anyone
else would have had to none about it. Before Apple gate house, before nurses or
Lorazepam injections or restraints where I couldn’t breathe I had been an
expert. I had been a cutter a good cutter. I hid it under sleeves and I had
never needed stitches and even if I did I had sorted it. A master at my craft.
I was good with cutting it had helped me but now, for some strange reason I had
chosen against it. I had chosen this pain, this complete hell.
“Try to relax,” Esmee instructed trying to fit her arms
around me better but my bones where like shards of glass cutting into the mattress
and her arms and breaking my lings making it feel like my chest was filling
with blood. I was drowning on dry land. Vomit and bile glued itself inside my stomach.
I wanted to vomit but I couldn’t. I wanted so much.
“Is there anything I can do more to help Emmet asked
throwing a tee shirt on before sitting on bottom edge of the bed by my feet, they
still trembled stiffly the muscles hurting as they arched in towards the toes.
I smiled at him through the pain. I could think of a hundred
things to be done but it didn’t want to hurt them more. That had changed to.
Cutting never cared and neither had I, It didn’t matter who I had taken down
but now I had to care about them. Cutting till didn’t and I think that’s why it
hurt because I knew in my heart I shouldn’t cut any more not even if I really
needed to.
“I feel a bit sick I swallowed my eyes screwed shut. I tied
to feel Esmee more than see her. I wanted to concentrate on the softness of her
arms and the scent of her skin and hair. Strawberries and a sweat perfume they
had called me before they had made me whole when I wasn’t.
“Do you think you’re going to vomit?” Emmet asked getting to
his feet and touching my arm gently. It felt like electric shocks setting my
skin on fire. Not so much powerful but awakening. The nausea rolled up to my
mouth.
“Bathroom.” I choked out scrabbling out of Esme’s arms and
to my feet my hand pressed over my mouth my tummy muscles heaving upwards.
“Come on, quick, threw here,” Emmet said grabbing my elbow
and towing me throw the door at the end of their bedroom the led to a small but
cozy en suit. “Here.” Emmet handed me a bucket under the sink and pushed me
down to sit on the toilet seat. I vomited forcefully almost missing the bucket
as Emmet took my hair and held it back over my shoulders.
“All right, good girl,” He soothed as I heaved uncomfortably
my eyes and nose running. My stomach pushing upwards. It was somewhat helping
to vomit like I was getting something out of me, something I could see it wasn’t
the same as cutting it wouldn’t defeat the demons but it was always better to
be empty after all this time.
“I’m sorry,” I moaned wiping my eyes with the back of my
hands.
