Maybe I had won
“All right,
come on sweet. Come on lets go,” Esmee said taking my hand into her and pulling
me up into standing. I did not want to stand. I didn’t want to face whatever
was waiting for me. A part of me wished for the unit. For the w3alls and the
fences and security. There no razors where allowed and if you had them they
would be taken off of you. Here they were there all I had to do was ask. It was
strange to my hospital mind.
Esmee
directed my sluggish body towards the stairs that lead to my room and I forced
my legs to go up them on at a time, she went up them first. A barrier to a bad
but she would let me have them I knew that. So was she was easy
penetrated.
The air was
thick as she opened my crisp white bedroom door and let herself in and went
over to my bed picking the blades delicately one by one off of my bed. I wanted
them. I really did but I did not move to take them I did not make a noise
instead I turned my back on her and them and everything that I could.
“I am going
to go and put these into the sharps bin.”
I thanked god
it wasn’t a question that would have been to hard maybe she knew that already
though. Maybe she was trying her best to save me. I slid past her are Pjs touching
each other in the breeze we created between us, I did not want her to leave
however I let her go anyway leaving everything empty.
I sat on the
edge of the bed pulling the tips of my toes through the white fluffy rug that
was beside my bed. I tried to concentrate on breathing. I wanted to keep it
level even though it was in danger of running away from me. I am not sure what I
was panicking I don’t think it was for the blades it was just for me for my
world for everything falling down the rabbit hole. I did not want to be alone.
In this world. In this room. Inside myself.
My breathing
sped up in spite of my best efforts. I could feel my heart thumping against my
rib cage. My hands where sweaty and my tummy squeezed.
“Mi, its
Emmet sweat, would you like me to come in?” it’s
like they new
Ye…yeah if
you want.” I had tried so hard not to stutter but the words where stuck. Breathing
had to come first above it all or I was scared I would stop completely.
“It’s all
right. Breath with me,” Emmet instructed kneeling down in front of me on the
rug and taking my hands into his. He looked tiered but his lips were in a soft
smile, his cheeks lose and calm, his moth ever so slightly parted so you could
see the tips of his white teeth brushing the pink flesh of his lips. His
calmness calmed me. It’s like he wouldn’t let me get sucked into the vortex.
I forced my
breath to mimic his. For my chest to rise and fall as his did and my world cantered
again just in time for Esmee to walk back in the door her hands now empty. She smiled
at us for the corner of the room before coming over and sitting on the bed next
to me. She nuzzled me with her cheek in a playful way and I smiled.
“You look
tiered my sweet.” Esmee said gently tucking a strand of my hair behind my hair.
I was tiered more tiered then I wanted to admit, it felt like I had been to war
and maybe I had but maybe that was ok, because maybe in a way I had won.
