Maybe i had won

Maybe I had won

“All right, come on sweet. Come on lets go,” Esmee said taking my hand into her and pulling me up into standing. I did not want to stand. I didn’t want to face whatever was waiting for me. A part of me wished for the unit. For the w3alls and the fences and security. There no razors where allowed and if you had them they would be taken off of you. Here they were there all I had to do was ask. It was strange to my hospital mind.

Esmee directed my sluggish body towards the stairs that lead to my room and I forced my legs to go up them on at a time, she went up them first. A barrier to a bad but she would let me have them I knew that. So was she was easy penetrated. 

The air was thick as she opened my crisp white bedroom door and let herself in and went over to my bed picking the blades delicately one by one off of my bed. I wanted them. I really did but I did not move to take them I did not make a noise instead I turned my back on her and them and everything that I could.

“I am going to go and put these into the sharps bin.”

I thanked god it wasn’t a question that would have been to hard maybe she knew that already though. Maybe she was trying her best to save me. I slid past her are Pjs touching each other in the breeze we created between us, I did not want her to leave however I let her go anyway leaving everything empty.

I sat on the edge of the bed pulling the tips of my toes through the white fluffy rug that was beside my bed. I tried to concentrate on breathing. I wanted to keep it level even though it was in danger of running away from me. I am not sure what I was panicking I don’t think it was for the blades it was just for me for my world for everything falling down the rabbit hole. I did not want to be alone. In this world. In this room. Inside myself.

My breathing sped up in spite of my best efforts. I could feel my heart thumping against my rib cage. My hands where sweaty and my tummy squeezed.   

“Mi, its Emmet sweat, would you like me to come in?” it’s like they new

Ye…yeah if you want.” I had tried so hard not to stutter but the words where stuck. Breathing had to come first above it all or I was scared I would stop completely.

“It’s all right. Breath with me,” Emmet instructed kneeling down in front of me on the rug and taking my hands into his. He looked tiered but his lips were in a soft smile, his cheeks lose and calm, his moth ever so slightly parted so you could see the tips of his white teeth brushing the pink flesh of his lips. His calmness calmed me. It’s like he wouldn’t let me get sucked into the vortex.

I forced my breath to mimic his. For my chest to rise and fall as his did and my world cantered again just in time for Esmee to walk back in the door her hands now empty. She smiled at us for the corner of the room before coming over and sitting on the bed next to me. She nuzzled me with her cheek in a playful way and I smiled.

“You look tiered my sweet.” Esmee said gently tucking a strand of my hair behind my hair. I was tiered more tiered then I wanted to admit, it felt like I had been to war and maybe I had but maybe that was ok, because maybe in a way I had won.