Code blue
All right guys i have edited they very last paragraph on this chapter so please re-read for it to make sence, thanks"
I probably make a point of mentoning here that i don't own twilight or Alice Cullen or anything else that may be mentioned.
I am of course a huge twilight fan! but that is all!
All that aside though i hope this chapter was worth waiting for.
I had a little voice normally. I found shouting a struggle, maybe it was just because my vocal cords didn’t work well that way, maybe I knew that in a whisper I could usually say just as much, or maybe I was conditioned that way from when I was a child. I never got anything by shouting and crying about it. Negotiation was used, quiet dignified conversation or you where ignored until your were not being irrational it was usually an asset to me but sometimes I had to shout, sometimes I needed help and this was one of those time so why did my voice sound so whisper quite as I yelled “Code blue!” twice before jumping to my feet and smashing the blue glass panel that resided just under the red fire one with my fist making the whole unit wale with a sound that was a lot like the ones that where used in the world war air raids and a rather posh woman’s voice that announced “code blue tranquillity” over and over again
Breathless and nauseated I jumped back away from the wall and pilled my self back onto Mi’s bed my hair getting into my face as I tilted Bella’s head back pinched the top of her nose and pressed my lips around hers my second hand air inflating her lugs twice before I turned to her chest pushed my hands together, gritted my teeth and pressed down heard three large snaps signalling that I was beating up another body in the right way.
Crack, crunch, crack, crunch, crack, crunch, crack, crunch, crack, crunch, crack, crunch, crack, crunch, crack, whoosh, whoosh, air filling lungs. More hands on ribs, crack, crack, crunch.
It must have been seconds but it felt like hours but eventually nurses arrived from every direction pooling into the room to take the body from both side one was on a mobile phone shouting instructions about the wrong patient.
“Yes Mia Dorado age 15, she’s crashed, there’s blood, known self…”
“It Bella I barked somewhere over my right shoulder to who ever it was that was calling the ambulance, “It’s Bella! I shouted again removing my hands from doing the compressions briefly as a pair of scissors chopped at the fabric of Bella’s favourite top that had the cast from twilight on it smiling back at me. It would have broke her heart of she could see it; to witness the cold steal blades cut right through the spiky haired vampires middle of her face splitting in apart between the eyes as the fabric was ripped off her chest revealing the all ready purple bruises that where beginning to form. The vampire was Alice, Bella adored Alice above all of them, she had told me once how Alice made her feel. How something about the character spoke to her, about how that smiling face that littered her walls was the only person that truly made her feel safe and I had smiled admiring her courage to find hope in simple things, to find something that was more important in her life then how many calories where aloud to go past her lips, but apparently there was some things even Alice couldn’t make better for her.
Crunch, crunch, crunch Crunch… quiet; that was the path way for my hands made then, no more protection for the heart; press, press, press, press, press…
“All right Esmee let me take over, you’re getting tired…” blood red painted fingernails pushed mine out the way, crystals hands resuming that same pushing. As mine had, “Esmee move get out the bloody way!” Crystal yelled when I didn’t soot over to let her get in front of Bella, “Move!”
With out responding verbally to her demands I rolled my self off of the bed backing back until my body hit the opposite wall, my face now almost as white as Bella’s, my breathing heavy from heard work and panic, my hands shaking furiously until fingers looked around mine; Emmet’s fingers; the lass nurse to respond to the still shrieking alarm - “Cold blue, tranquillity. Cold blue, tranquillity, cold blue…”
Showing posts with label Trggering/graphic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Trggering/graphic. Show all posts
Monday, 30 January 2012
Bella falling
“Mi! Mi you have to hide me, or help me or something! I know this looks bad and all but you know that it isn’t, but lets face it I look like the corps bride right now and any minute the staff are going to come and look for me in my room and if I’m pissing blood all over the floor I can kiss good bye to green obs and say hello to red and I can’t go through that again, and… and… Shit!” Bella shouted as she opened her eyes mid rant spotting me after she had thrown her self into Mi’s room slamming the door behind her with a towel pressed firmly onto her heavily bleeding wrist, mascara tear streaks over her cheeks mixed in with the blood that had had managed to cover every part of her indeed making her convincing impersonation of the of the Corps bride.
“Fucking hell Esmee, your like a pack of vouchers aren’t you. Your Every fucking where trying to pick us off one by fucking one.” Bella screamed hysterically as she uncovered her wrist with the towel round it allowing a fresh stream of what was almost certainly arterial blood to spill out before she throw it full pelt into the wall closest to her.
Before I could even react to the seen unfolding in front of me Mi was on her feet swooping from the bed to her wardrobe, yanking a towel from the top shelf before shooting over to Bellas side pushing her arm into the air above her head while trying to wrap her towel tightly around her blooded wrist.
“Oi, Mi your trying to do me out of a job here,” I laughed as I managed to make my brain spring into action and dived my hands into my pocket trying to fish out my last pair of gloves that I knew where lurking in there somewhere.
“Ok Bella, all right sweet heart hold on.” I said jumping to my feet and going over to her where Mi was all ready doing pretty much exactly what I would have been doing anyway except I could tell weather I was going to go down to the clinic room and stitch her up, drive her over to the hospital or call an ambulance.
“All right Bella, I’m just going to take a look at this cut and see what we need to do here Ok.” I said gently taking hold of Bella’s arm from Mi and cradling it in close to my abdomen for support before very slowly I pulled the towel back off of the wound.
The wound was deep and with out the pressure that was being applied by Mi a jet of bright red blood squirted from the wound onto my neck and chin before flooding over my light blue blouse. She needed an ambulance, how the hell was she still standing?
Bella crashing
“OK Bella. I need to get some help so I’m going to press my RRA to get some attention, well either that or I strip and stand in the hall way naked but that would probably just scar the minds of other clients or get me arrested so I think I may stick with the watch of wonder if that’s OK.” I said smiling to try not and panic her, even though inside me I knew it was bad wounds this savvier did not normally respond to pressure entirely even if they helped slightly.
“Mi honey, I have my hands full here so could you press that little button there for me and commence that cats chorus please.” I also asked gently to the almost shell shocked Mi who could not look me in the eye but only stair on at the blood that was socking in warm and sticky onto my abdomen and the speckles that where splattered up my neck and drying onto my cheek. She was either horrified or in awe however even though I thought she hadn’t heard anything one blood stained hand crept out and gently pressed the red illuminated button on my wrist making the resounding low panic beep fill the room and the halls outside.
“I… I feel a bit … a bit… woozy.” Bella muttered the remaining colour that was left in her cheeks falling away in a rush, “I think I need…” Bella’s eyes shock slightly in there sockets before they rolled back into the back of her head and her very tiny still stick thin body of bones skin and thresh air feel down into my arms, her slightly laboured breathing of before suddenly very muted, the towel that had been pressed against her arm falling to the floor allowing the blood to pore from her wrist and through her fingers. Life sinking into years old crumby carpet that covered the floors where it eagerly sucked it up like a thirsty vampire being granted its final meal after being sentenced to a wooden stake through the heart.
“Bella! Bella can you here me?” I yelled pulling her over to Mi’s bed and pushing her onto her back on the mattress both my hand feverishly trying to find a pulse in her one remaining half human wrist and in her neck while pressing my head down close to her mouth praying to here gasping but her chest lay still, there where no sounds from her lips and her blood lay unmoving inside her.
“Mi! Mi you have to hide me, or help me or something! I know this looks bad and all but you know that it isn’t, but lets face it I look like the corps bride right now and any minute the staff are going to come and look for me in my room and if I’m pissing blood all over the floor I can kiss good bye to green obs and say hello to red and I can’t go through that again, and… and… Shit!” Bella shouted as she opened her eyes mid rant spotting me after she had thrown her self into Mi’s room slamming the door behind her with a towel pressed firmly onto her heavily bleeding wrist, mascara tear streaks over her cheeks mixed in with the blood that had had managed to cover every part of her indeed making her convincing impersonation of the of the Corps bride.
“Fucking hell Esmee, your like a pack of vouchers aren’t you. Your Every fucking where trying to pick us off one by fucking one.” Bella screamed hysterically as she uncovered her wrist with the towel round it allowing a fresh stream of what was almost certainly arterial blood to spill out before she throw it full pelt into the wall closest to her.
Before I could even react to the seen unfolding in front of me Mi was on her feet swooping from the bed to her wardrobe, yanking a towel from the top shelf before shooting over to Bellas side pushing her arm into the air above her head while trying to wrap her towel tightly around her blooded wrist.
“Oi, Mi your trying to do me out of a job here,” I laughed as I managed to make my brain spring into action and dived my hands into my pocket trying to fish out my last pair of gloves that I knew where lurking in there somewhere.
“Ok Bella, all right sweet heart hold on.” I said jumping to my feet and going over to her where Mi was all ready doing pretty much exactly what I would have been doing anyway except I could tell weather I was going to go down to the clinic room and stitch her up, drive her over to the hospital or call an ambulance.
“All right Bella, I’m just going to take a look at this cut and see what we need to do here Ok.” I said gently taking hold of Bella’s arm from Mi and cradling it in close to my abdomen for support before very slowly I pulled the towel back off of the wound.
The wound was deep and with out the pressure that was being applied by Mi a jet of bright red blood squirted from the wound onto my neck and chin before flooding over my light blue blouse. She needed an ambulance, how the hell was she still standing?
Bella crashing
“OK Bella. I need to get some help so I’m going to press my RRA to get some attention, well either that or I strip and stand in the hall way naked but that would probably just scar the minds of other clients or get me arrested so I think I may stick with the watch of wonder if that’s OK.” I said smiling to try not and panic her, even though inside me I knew it was bad wounds this savvier did not normally respond to pressure entirely even if they helped slightly.
“Mi honey, I have my hands full here so could you press that little button there for me and commence that cats chorus please.” I also asked gently to the almost shell shocked Mi who could not look me in the eye but only stair on at the blood that was socking in warm and sticky onto my abdomen and the speckles that where splattered up my neck and drying onto my cheek. She was either horrified or in awe however even though I thought she hadn’t heard anything one blood stained hand crept out and gently pressed the red illuminated button on my wrist making the resounding low panic beep fill the room and the halls outside.
“I… I feel a bit … a bit… woozy.” Bella muttered the remaining colour that was left in her cheeks falling away in a rush, “I think I need…” Bella’s eyes shock slightly in there sockets before they rolled back into the back of her head and her very tiny still stick thin body of bones skin and thresh air feel down into my arms, her slightly laboured breathing of before suddenly very muted, the towel that had been pressed against her arm falling to the floor allowing the blood to pore from her wrist and through her fingers. Life sinking into years old crumby carpet that covered the floors where it eagerly sucked it up like a thirsty vampire being granted its final meal after being sentenced to a wooden stake through the heart.
“Bella! Bella can you here me?” I yelled pulling her over to Mi’s bed and pushing her onto her back on the mattress both my hand feverishly trying to find a pulse in her one remaining half human wrist and in her neck while pressing my head down close to her mouth praying to here gasping but her chest lay still, there where no sounds from her lips and her blood lay unmoving inside her.
Friday, 9 September 2011
summing up the situation (Mi's side)
really really triggering for SI also kind of graphic so take care and only read if you are safe
Oh and on a completly unrelated point what do people think of the new background? Please don't be too nasty at how ugly the child is, i think i was only two there! LOL
Summing up the situation
“So this is going to be your room.” Emmet said in an upbeat tone shoving a non glossy grainy photo in front of me that I tried to get my eyes to focus on. “It used to be the attic but we got it converted for our older foster kids, we also have a room on the first floor next to our room for foster children but we usually just use that one for babies and young children as it is rather small and not as private, the attic room has your own bathroom and things and is considerably larger…”
My head swam out of Emmet’s description and back inside of my self where the red monsters lay with projected images of me cutting into my own skin and the bright red swirling down to drip onto…
“Mi, Mi!” Emmet yelled rubbing the side of my arm roughly as my eyes and brain blinked back to focus in on him again, the fog lifting for a few seconds from over me. “Focus on my voice, I’m the only one who matters right now. Now what is your favourite colour?”
Red, a deep hot pulsing red pushing it’s way to the surface of my skin where it was so wrongly contained, red, red, red, deep perfect red…
“Mi, tell me a colour!” Emmet demanded his voice rising up past what was normal for him, like he was somehow trying to drown out the others that where in my head all shouting loudly all at the same time.
“Re…Purple.” I corrected my self trying to fix my wondering eyes onto the picture in front of me and paint the walls purple in my head over and over again as something deeper kept making them a dripping blood red until it felt like I was drowning in it.
“Good what else?”
Red, the colour swims around every part of me a deep metallic red that rushes up around me until it gets up to my head and flows over drowning me in it’s metallic smell as it pumps into my lungs and stomach stopping me breathing…
“Come on you have to like something else?” Emmet persisted like he couldn’t see that I was drowning in front of him; like he thought I cared right then what colour my room was painted or where it was in the house or anything else…
“Mi..”
“I don’t fucking care!” I snarled “I don’t give a fucking shit what colour you paint my fucking…”
“you do, Emmet corrected taking my hands back into his and rubbing them roughly trying to make my tense crooked fingers relax into his .
“Come off of colours,” I head Esmee say in the background as she took hold of my trembling shoulders in her hands and squeezed them tightly. “Horribly triggering, try and avoid anything too sensory.”
“Everything is sensory,”
The sticky warmness of blood against my hands seeping under the cracks to freedom, the acidic metallic smell that was so strong it left a lasting metal taste on my tongue like the coolness of cold steal. The glorious alive red against pale translucent white skin and fragile tiny blue vains that pulsed so willingly with the blood contained inside; one blade slice away from emptying them above the surface..
“Mi, Mi!” I heard Esmee shouting somewhere over the beating of my heart and the rushing of my blood. “What’s 109 plus 37?”
“146.”
“Good girl, what about what about 906 divided by four?” The cogs in my mind ticked dividing the number dividing it again trying to get them into the right places, but the number didn’t fit perfectly, there was something left, something to be halved again an annoying point five that I had always hated.
“226.5”
“ok What about 6 take away 103 then plus 45?”
The sum was easy; simple. “negative 52”
“15 times 12 divided by 3.”
That was harder but not impossible I just needed more time to make my mind the calculator, to push away all the annoying redness that lingered in the corners for it wasn’t needed to answer the question that had been set to make…
“60”
“213 plus 45? How are you feeling Mi?
Red against skin, red on the walls…
“258,” I stammered the question wasn’t heard enough. “Don’t stop,” I babbled breathlessly “Just make them harder, they need to be hard.” I demanded to Esmee as I felt my body relaxed slightly and my hands and legs un-cramp against the chair … “ really heard.”
Oh and on a completly unrelated point what do people think of the new background? Please don't be too nasty at how ugly the child is, i think i was only two there! LOL
Summing up the situation
“So this is going to be your room.” Emmet said in an upbeat tone shoving a non glossy grainy photo in front of me that I tried to get my eyes to focus on. “It used to be the attic but we got it converted for our older foster kids, we also have a room on the first floor next to our room for foster children but we usually just use that one for babies and young children as it is rather small and not as private, the attic room has your own bathroom and things and is considerably larger…”
My head swam out of Emmet’s description and back inside of my self where the red monsters lay with projected images of me cutting into my own skin and the bright red swirling down to drip onto…
“Mi, Mi!” Emmet yelled rubbing the side of my arm roughly as my eyes and brain blinked back to focus in on him again, the fog lifting for a few seconds from over me. “Focus on my voice, I’m the only one who matters right now. Now what is your favourite colour?”
Red, a deep hot pulsing red pushing it’s way to the surface of my skin where it was so wrongly contained, red, red, red, deep perfect red…
“Mi, tell me a colour!” Emmet demanded his voice rising up past what was normal for him, like he was somehow trying to drown out the others that where in my head all shouting loudly all at the same time.
“Re…Purple.” I corrected my self trying to fix my wondering eyes onto the picture in front of me and paint the walls purple in my head over and over again as something deeper kept making them a dripping blood red until it felt like I was drowning in it.
“Good what else?”
Red, the colour swims around every part of me a deep metallic red that rushes up around me until it gets up to my head and flows over drowning me in it’s metallic smell as it pumps into my lungs and stomach stopping me breathing…
“Come on you have to like something else?” Emmet persisted like he couldn’t see that I was drowning in front of him; like he thought I cared right then what colour my room was painted or where it was in the house or anything else…
“Mi..”
“I don’t fucking care!” I snarled “I don’t give a fucking shit what colour you paint my fucking…”
“you do, Emmet corrected taking my hands back into his and rubbing them roughly trying to make my tense crooked fingers relax into his .
“Come off of colours,” I head Esmee say in the background as she took hold of my trembling shoulders in her hands and squeezed them tightly. “Horribly triggering, try and avoid anything too sensory.”
“Everything is sensory,”
The sticky warmness of blood against my hands seeping under the cracks to freedom, the acidic metallic smell that was so strong it left a lasting metal taste on my tongue like the coolness of cold steal. The glorious alive red against pale translucent white skin and fragile tiny blue vains that pulsed so willingly with the blood contained inside; one blade slice away from emptying them above the surface..
“Mi, Mi!” I heard Esmee shouting somewhere over the beating of my heart and the rushing of my blood. “What’s 109 plus 37?”
“146.”
“Good girl, what about what about 906 divided by four?” The cogs in my mind ticked dividing the number dividing it again trying to get them into the right places, but the number didn’t fit perfectly, there was something left, something to be halved again an annoying point five that I had always hated.
“226.5”
“ok What about 6 take away 103 then plus 45?”
The sum was easy; simple. “negative 52”
“15 times 12 divided by 3.”
That was harder but not impossible I just needed more time to make my mind the calculator, to push away all the annoying redness that lingered in the corners for it wasn’t needed to answer the question that had been set to make…
“60”
“213 plus 45? How are you feeling Mi?
Red against skin, red on the walls…
“258,” I stammered the question wasn’t heard enough. “Don’t stop,” I babbled breathlessly “Just make them harder, they need to be hard.” I demanded to Esmee as I felt my body relaxed slightly and my hands and legs un-cramp against the chair … “ really heard.”
Sunday, 24 July 2011
(Esmee FB) Can you stop? (Mi's side)
Another day another trigger warning, you all the drill by now. I think it manly triggers self harm but overall a nasty upsetting update so stay safe as always
take care Vikki
Can you stop?
Esmee.” Doctor Carter said softly pulling his chair up close to the corner of the nurses office where I had hidden my self away After Dawn had refused me to let me leave. I had screamed at her bashed my fragile wrists up against the door angrily until I swore every one of my bones had been broken and attempted to brake the scales before in the end I gave up and slipped into a little cubby-hole in the corner behind the desk and the wall and curled up testing the boundaries of how small I could make my self.
“Esmee.” Doctor Carter said again his voice even softer as he tried to reach one of his hands into touch me and I flinched away making him quickly retract his hand away like he was trying to calm a frightened animal cornered in a cage.
“Are you scared?” I didn’t move a muscle or even breathe too heavily as I didn’t want to give anything away.
“Dawn can you go and tell Wendy to cancel all of my afternoon appointments and to alert every one who will be needed for a possible AGH admission.” Doctor Carter asked Dawn only briefly diverting his eyes away from me.
“Of course Doctor.” Dawn answered in a tone sweater then honey before turning for the door if she was any further up his ass she would of curtsied.
“What are you scared of Esmee, or are you sad, are you crying Esmee?”
“I don’t cry; ever.” I grumbled stiffly under my breath.
“Whys that then, are you not sad? are you angry Esmee, who are you angry with Dawn, myself, or maybe you are mad at your self?” Doctor Carter asked again abandoning his chair and squtting down as close as he could get to me removing his tie and undoing the top button on his shirt.
“Am I a little less scary now Esmee, not so official maybe?”
“Don’t be ridicules;” I hissed “I’m not scared of you anyway.”
“Then what are you hiding from? Why don’t you come out take a seat and let me talk to you?” Doctor Carter asked again in his deep silky voice that always seemed to talk on a seductive quality even when he wasn’t trying.”
“I would rather stay in here. I like small spaces better then the open world, it’s a safety masseur.”
“Do you think I am going to hurt you Esmee?” I shook my head biting down hard on my own lip as I dug my pointed nails into the tender flesh in the middle of my gapping cuts making the blood gush back up to the surface again before it cascaded down my arm in a beautiful waterfall of liquid ruby’s.
“ Are you hurting your self in there Esmee?”
“No!”
“I think you are, those cuts weren’t bleeding minute ago and they are now. I’m not saying you have to, but can you stop?” For the first time I then looked at him, directly into his chocolate eyes and regarded him sceptically as I felt the warm blood drip from my arm and onto the floor wit soft little pings. I had never been asked this before, it had always been assumed that my cutting and scratching was in my control and this seemed like he was asking me if it actually was or not, like there might be something a whole lot bigger then a nasty habit.
“Wh…what?” I stuttered “Are you telling me to stop? Are you asking my to stop or are you going to stop me?” I babbled out barely catching my breath between each jumbled question.”
“No not exactly. Yes I would like you to stop Esmee but I’m not sure you can. I want to know if you feel like you are choosing to make your self bleed or weather you feel like you have too.” Doctor Carter asked calmly As he handed me some paper towels to soak up the blood.
“I can’t stop.” I stuttered my voice braking with tears that I though had long given up trying to consume me, I had stopped crying when I realised that it hurt to much but now the action seemed totally involuntary; like for years they had been waiting for someone who understood to show up and allow them there release.
“That’s what I thought.” He soothed gently reaching in another hand to me which I didn’t flinch away from this time.
“I’m scared,” I whispered back to him so quietly I was almost sure he wouldn’t here “It scares me more then anything else, why can’t I stop?”
“I’m not sure Esmee, but I think with a lot of help and encouragement that you could stop, and I really think you need the help. You know you are going to die with out it don’t you?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want to die Esmee?”
“Yes, I think so but I think it is only because I want the pain to go away and I have tried everything else. Do you think you could help me Doctor?”
“You will have to go to hospital for a bit Esmee and it’s going to be really heard because it will feel like everyone is fighting against you but yes I think they could help you. Esmee have you heard of apple gate house?
take care Vikki
Can you stop?
Esmee.” Doctor Carter said softly pulling his chair up close to the corner of the nurses office where I had hidden my self away After Dawn had refused me to let me leave. I had screamed at her bashed my fragile wrists up against the door angrily until I swore every one of my bones had been broken and attempted to brake the scales before in the end I gave up and slipped into a little cubby-hole in the corner behind the desk and the wall and curled up testing the boundaries of how small I could make my self.
“Esmee.” Doctor Carter said again his voice even softer as he tried to reach one of his hands into touch me and I flinched away making him quickly retract his hand away like he was trying to calm a frightened animal cornered in a cage.
“Are you scared?” I didn’t move a muscle or even breathe too heavily as I didn’t want to give anything away.
“Dawn can you go and tell Wendy to cancel all of my afternoon appointments and to alert every one who will be needed for a possible AGH admission.” Doctor Carter asked Dawn only briefly diverting his eyes away from me.
“Of course Doctor.” Dawn answered in a tone sweater then honey before turning for the door if she was any further up his ass she would of curtsied.
“What are you scared of Esmee, or are you sad, are you crying Esmee?”
“I don’t cry; ever.” I grumbled stiffly under my breath.
“Whys that then, are you not sad? are you angry Esmee, who are you angry with Dawn, myself, or maybe you are mad at your self?” Doctor Carter asked again abandoning his chair and squtting down as close as he could get to me removing his tie and undoing the top button on his shirt.
“Am I a little less scary now Esmee, not so official maybe?”
“Don’t be ridicules;” I hissed “I’m not scared of you anyway.”
“Then what are you hiding from? Why don’t you come out take a seat and let me talk to you?” Doctor Carter asked again in his deep silky voice that always seemed to talk on a seductive quality even when he wasn’t trying.”
“I would rather stay in here. I like small spaces better then the open world, it’s a safety masseur.”
“Do you think I am going to hurt you Esmee?” I shook my head biting down hard on my own lip as I dug my pointed nails into the tender flesh in the middle of my gapping cuts making the blood gush back up to the surface again before it cascaded down my arm in a beautiful waterfall of liquid ruby’s.
“ Are you hurting your self in there Esmee?”
“No!”
“I think you are, those cuts weren’t bleeding minute ago and they are now. I’m not saying you have to, but can you stop?” For the first time I then looked at him, directly into his chocolate eyes and regarded him sceptically as I felt the warm blood drip from my arm and onto the floor wit soft little pings. I had never been asked this before, it had always been assumed that my cutting and scratching was in my control and this seemed like he was asking me if it actually was or not, like there might be something a whole lot bigger then a nasty habit.
“Wh…what?” I stuttered “Are you telling me to stop? Are you asking my to stop or are you going to stop me?” I babbled out barely catching my breath between each jumbled question.”
“No not exactly. Yes I would like you to stop Esmee but I’m not sure you can. I want to know if you feel like you are choosing to make your self bleed or weather you feel like you have too.” Doctor Carter asked calmly As he handed me some paper towels to soak up the blood.
“I can’t stop.” I stuttered my voice braking with tears that I though had long given up trying to consume me, I had stopped crying when I realised that it hurt to much but now the action seemed totally involuntary; like for years they had been waiting for someone who understood to show up and allow them there release.
“That’s what I thought.” He soothed gently reaching in another hand to me which I didn’t flinch away from this time.
“I’m scared,” I whispered back to him so quietly I was almost sure he wouldn’t here “It scares me more then anything else, why can’t I stop?”
“I’m not sure Esmee, but I think with a lot of help and encouragement that you could stop, and I really think you need the help. You know you are going to die with out it don’t you?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want to die Esmee?”
“Yes, I think so but I think it is only because I want the pain to go away and I have tried everything else. Do you think you could help me Doctor?”
“You will have to go to hospital for a bit Esmee and it’s going to be really heard because it will feel like everyone is fighting against you but yes I think they could help you. Esmee have you heard of apple gate house?
Sunday, 10 July 2011
Esmee falling (Mi's side)
ok i know i said i was going to stop and i still might yet but i just piced up my computer and started writing mostly just because it felt so increadably normal to do so after all this time and i came up with Another chapter and though i would post it any how. I am not sure if it is any good but hay
OH AND JUST A QUICK HEADS UP ABOUT TRIGGERIG I THINK THIS CHAPTER COULD TRIGGER SELF HARM QUITE A LOT SO AS ALWYAS SAFTY FIRST PLEASE!!!
Esmee falling
My out burst seemed to shock Esmee and Jasper and there was a moment when neither said nothing and just looked at me like somehow I had just appeared into the centre of the room and interrupted into a very private situation. I was used to being invisible I was used to feeling like I actually wasn’t there at all and I was used to after all my time as a patient having all my decisions talking away from me, the trouble is what I was used to and what I liked where two different things and I wasn’t the same person that I used to be; somehow for some things I had found a voice to speak.
“Well I think I will leave you two girls two it.” Jaspers said softly still shocked by my inturuption before he picked up the tray of different medication on the table and left the room in his usual camp dance.
“I’m sorry Esmee said as the door clicked into place behind Jasper, “I shouldn’t have talked about you like you weren’t here, it’s rude and un called for, forgive me?” Esmee smiled, and of course I did right away she could of murdered my cat and I probably would of found a way of forgiving her after all she was all I had; she was the only one that kept coming back for more abuse time and time again.
“I think it is impossible to be angry at you for more then a few seconds Esmee.” I sighed smiling as I swirled my index finger around in the pink plastic washing up bowl of warm water.
“I’m just a bit touchy too,” I surrendered eventually as Esmee satayed quwite sencing there was more i should say “I’m 16 it’s embracing two have people talk about washing you."
“I know I’m sorry I forget some times, I shouldn’t but it is easy to after being a nurse for so long; you tend to lose all you inhabitations even if the person you working with hasn’t, to me it is nothing that I haven’t seen before you see, they are all just working bits in the human body, you spend so long training about it you can forget that some bits you don’t normally show off to other people.
“I guess you have seen it all before on me any way, many times; I never was all that great at avoiding red observations and I did just strip off in front of you any way. I sighed feeling the redness prickle in my cheeks and the tears dance over my vision as the shame took over me, what the hell had I done? What in gods name did I think I was going to achieve by getting naked in front of her? What was I proving exactly; that I was actually as mad as everyone feared?
“Don’t let it upset you honey, it’s nothing to me as I said and I think I know why you did it, don’t forget I have been you darling, I have felt bad too, not the same because no one ever feels the same thing, but I have felt really bad.” Esmee soothed sitting up close to me on the bed and putting one of her hands in the water next to my finger.s
looking closely I could see some very old very faded white scars settled under the skin confirming to me that Esmee meant everything she said she had been hurt before too, she had felt bad.
“”Where you hurt before too? It seems stupid asking I know as I am not sure why anyone would want to hurt you but when I look at you, you seem to know so much , like some how you have felt it, been there, had it happen."
“Yeah I was hurt but it was a very long time ago and I don’t talk about it to anyone ever OK it’s just something that happened to me and it isn’t important.” Esmee stuttered clearly off guard at my question, I had gone to close to home and I new when to withdraw; I wasn’t stupid, but something inside of me, the better part of me wouldn’t let the part that wanted to run do so for it felt like there was no justice in what she just said because I had been trying to lie and cheat my way into thinking what happened to me was not important for a long time but if there was one thing Esmee and Emmet ever did was prove that it was; that what they did could not just be shrugged off weather 20 minutes had passed or 20 years.
quick as lightning I reached out my hand to Esmee’s sleeve and flicked the button open and yanked her sleeve up before she could stop me, I was expecting to see the same patchwork of white and purple raised scars against the skin the same mismatched patchwork quilt that told a story of years of hurt and i had expected to ask her if what happnened to her wasn't important why she felt the need to cut her self but I didn’t see the scars, I saw something else; something worse and something that chilled me to the very bone.
Of course the scars where still there like they had been before but they had been joined by there former self’s, cuts; fresh, new and sore stood proudly against the old battlefield of memories where Esmee had fallen so many times before and then had fell again just recently. A line of perfect blue thread stitched into the skin holding the edges together of something that longed to fall apart; Esmee was falling apart.
OH AND JUST A QUICK HEADS UP ABOUT TRIGGERIG I THINK THIS CHAPTER COULD TRIGGER SELF HARM QUITE A LOT SO AS ALWYAS SAFTY FIRST PLEASE!!!
Esmee falling
My out burst seemed to shock Esmee and Jasper and there was a moment when neither said nothing and just looked at me like somehow I had just appeared into the centre of the room and interrupted into a very private situation. I was used to being invisible I was used to feeling like I actually wasn’t there at all and I was used to after all my time as a patient having all my decisions talking away from me, the trouble is what I was used to and what I liked where two different things and I wasn’t the same person that I used to be; somehow for some things I had found a voice to speak.
“Well I think I will leave you two girls two it.” Jaspers said softly still shocked by my inturuption before he picked up the tray of different medication on the table and left the room in his usual camp dance.
“I’m sorry Esmee said as the door clicked into place behind Jasper, “I shouldn’t have talked about you like you weren’t here, it’s rude and un called for, forgive me?” Esmee smiled, and of course I did right away she could of murdered my cat and I probably would of found a way of forgiving her after all she was all I had; she was the only one that kept coming back for more abuse time and time again.
“I think it is impossible to be angry at you for more then a few seconds Esmee.” I sighed smiling as I swirled my index finger around in the pink plastic washing up bowl of warm water.
“I’m just a bit touchy too,” I surrendered eventually as Esmee satayed quwite sencing there was more i should say “I’m 16 it’s embracing two have people talk about washing you."
“I know I’m sorry I forget some times, I shouldn’t but it is easy to after being a nurse for so long; you tend to lose all you inhabitations even if the person you working with hasn’t, to me it is nothing that I haven’t seen before you see, they are all just working bits in the human body, you spend so long training about it you can forget that some bits you don’t normally show off to other people.
“I guess you have seen it all before on me any way, many times; I never was all that great at avoiding red observations and I did just strip off in front of you any way. I sighed feeling the redness prickle in my cheeks and the tears dance over my vision as the shame took over me, what the hell had I done? What in gods name did I think I was going to achieve by getting naked in front of her? What was I proving exactly; that I was actually as mad as everyone feared?
“Don’t let it upset you honey, it’s nothing to me as I said and I think I know why you did it, don’t forget I have been you darling, I have felt bad too, not the same because no one ever feels the same thing, but I have felt really bad.” Esmee soothed sitting up close to me on the bed and putting one of her hands in the water next to my finger.s
looking closely I could see some very old very faded white scars settled under the skin confirming to me that Esmee meant everything she said she had been hurt before too, she had felt bad.
“”Where you hurt before too? It seems stupid asking I know as I am not sure why anyone would want to hurt you but when I look at you, you seem to know so much , like some how you have felt it, been there, had it happen."
“Yeah I was hurt but it was a very long time ago and I don’t talk about it to anyone ever OK it’s just something that happened to me and it isn’t important.” Esmee stuttered clearly off guard at my question, I had gone to close to home and I new when to withdraw; I wasn’t stupid, but something inside of me, the better part of me wouldn’t let the part that wanted to run do so for it felt like there was no justice in what she just said because I had been trying to lie and cheat my way into thinking what happened to me was not important for a long time but if there was one thing Esmee and Emmet ever did was prove that it was; that what they did could not just be shrugged off weather 20 minutes had passed or 20 years.
quick as lightning I reached out my hand to Esmee’s sleeve and flicked the button open and yanked her sleeve up before she could stop me, I was expecting to see the same patchwork of white and purple raised scars against the skin the same mismatched patchwork quilt that told a story of years of hurt and i had expected to ask her if what happnened to her wasn't important why she felt the need to cut her self but I didn’t see the scars, I saw something else; something worse and something that chilled me to the very bone.
Of course the scars where still there like they had been before but they had been joined by there former self’s, cuts; fresh, new and sore stood proudly against the old battlefield of memories where Esmee had fallen so many times before and then had fell again just recently. A line of perfect blue thread stitched into the skin holding the edges together of something that longed to fall apart; Esmee was falling apart.
Friday, 29 April 2011
(Esmee) Language! (Mi's side)
Still very triggering so please still take care
Language!
“Emmet. I am glad that you come!” I heard my mother shout as I heard the front door open again. The policy of no knocking applied to him too. My mother saw Emmet as the son she could never have, a cherished, love son.
I had started to become woozy now and my cutting slowed to a more controlled pace. Both upper legs had been covered in the angry cuts and the tiny drips that had dripped to the floor had long since turned to bigger more impressive puddles.
“Esmee, let me in!” Emmet roared from outside the door bashing his wrists so hard against the wood I thought he might of managed to put his arm right though. I sat still not daring to move. This felt familiar too looked in this bathroom when the predator lurked out side the door pacing, just waiting until I tried to make my escape and the fear was almost paralyzing.
“This Is Emmet, This is Emmet, This is Emmet, this is Emmet.” I stuttered under my breath over and over again trying to convince my brain that there was nothing to fear. He may of found me silly and irritating but he was still himself and there was no way that mad would hurt me.
“Esmee!” He yelled again almost rattling the door off of its hinges “Esmee are you OK? What have you done?” He yelled his voice panicked. I new I should of answered but I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to do all of this all over again I hated the pain it caused and it should never of come to this anyway. If I hadn’t become so absorbed by my cutting I could have done it all ready. If I had just headed straight for the femoral artery I would have probably been dead by now; Or at least past the point of any return.
“Esmee I swear to god I will brake this fucking door down.” Emmet shouted growling somewhere in the back of his throat.
“Emmet! Language!” my mother yelled stunned,
“Just fuck off the lot of you!” I yelled back pulling at my hair in frustration why wouldn’t they leave me alone?
“Esmee! Language!” My mother shouted again exasperated. Then with out warning the door creaked and the lock snapped as Emmet came bulldozing through the door shoulder first ploughing into the sink opposite him before undeterred by the fact he had just broke down my mothers door he turned his attention to me.
Language!
“Emmet. I am glad that you come!” I heard my mother shout as I heard the front door open again. The policy of no knocking applied to him too. My mother saw Emmet as the son she could never have, a cherished, love son.
I had started to become woozy now and my cutting slowed to a more controlled pace. Both upper legs had been covered in the angry cuts and the tiny drips that had dripped to the floor had long since turned to bigger more impressive puddles.
“Esmee, let me in!” Emmet roared from outside the door bashing his wrists so hard against the wood I thought he might of managed to put his arm right though. I sat still not daring to move. This felt familiar too looked in this bathroom when the predator lurked out side the door pacing, just waiting until I tried to make my escape and the fear was almost paralyzing.
“This Is Emmet, This is Emmet, This is Emmet, this is Emmet.” I stuttered under my breath over and over again trying to convince my brain that there was nothing to fear. He may of found me silly and irritating but he was still himself and there was no way that mad would hurt me.
“Esmee!” He yelled again almost rattling the door off of its hinges “Esmee are you OK? What have you done?” He yelled his voice panicked. I new I should of answered but I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to do all of this all over again I hated the pain it caused and it should never of come to this anyway. If I hadn’t become so absorbed by my cutting I could have done it all ready. If I had just headed straight for the femoral artery I would have probably been dead by now; Or at least past the point of any return.
“Esmee I swear to god I will brake this fucking door down.” Emmet shouted growling somewhere in the back of his throat.
“Emmet! Language!” my mother yelled stunned,
“Just fuck off the lot of you!” I yelled back pulling at my hair in frustration why wouldn’t they leave me alone?
“Esmee! Language!” My mother shouted again exasperated. Then with out warning the door creaked and the lock snapped as Emmet came bulldozing through the door shoulder first ploughing into the sink opposite him before undeterred by the fact he had just broke down my mothers door he turned his attention to me.
(Esmee) Invincible (Mi's side)
You all know the drill by now! This is highly triggering and highly graphic so please me safe when reading
Invincible
At that moment I new exactly what to do. I would cut. There was no point in even attempting to fight the urge because there really wasn’t an urge to fight. It was just there. No longer something I could do but something I was going to do no matter what happened and my head or heart made no protest.
Gripping on tightly to the sink I pulled my self to my feet and turned to the bathroom storage cupboard. I new it had a lock but I learnt how to brake into it ages ago however as expected the lock wasn‘t in use these days any way. There had been no need to lock it after I moved out of the house.
As expected there where at least four fresh unopened blades in the packaging. They where not the usual safety razors but the deadly sharp ones with no plastic protection around them, dad preferred these; so did I.”
Carefully I unwrapped the blade from the paper wrapping and sank back down to the floor. I seemed more cantered now I was in control of my decent into nothingness and I aloud my self a few moments to feel the longing need for the blood to overtake me until I shock with my anticipation of it. The longer I waited, the more pain I felt. The bigger the relief would be when the blade finally was aloud to eat my skin.
I chose my upper legs as the place to cut and breathing hard through the pain of waiting I unbuckled my belt popped open the button on my jeans and shimmied out of them throwing them to one side before resting both my legs flat out in front of me on the cold white tiled floor so I could breathily study them.
I found a “safe” Place away from any main blood supplies and started to cut. Eventually I would aim for the femoral artery when I had had enough “fun” but first of all I just wanted to enjoy the bleeding and all the euphoria that came with it.
I cut superficial but frenzied making gash after gash all over the top of my left leg breathing heavily with a smile on my face as I watched the little droplets run off of my leg at sped and land in perfect little specks on the white tiles underneath. There was something brilliant about the bright red splotches covering the white floor pure floor cold tiles underneath I had never worked put what but witnessing them again made me realise why I always like this bathroom as my “cutting spot”
Emmet, Eemm… yeah it’s Liz. I have Esmee with me; she is locked her self in my bathroom and she is really upset. I don’t know what’s got into her but she says you split up. You have to come and sort this out.” There was a gap in the talking on the phone where Emmet set about blowing my cover. “Hurt her self? She wouldn’t do… She would! I thought she stopped; yes come, come.” My mum shouted on the end of the phone to Emmet. This would of normally made things feel better but now it made them worse and as the only reaction I could think of I picked up the pace of the cutting on my legs. If I could keep cutting I would be OK when I was cutting I was invincible.
Invincible
At that moment I new exactly what to do. I would cut. There was no point in even attempting to fight the urge because there really wasn’t an urge to fight. It was just there. No longer something I could do but something I was going to do no matter what happened and my head or heart made no protest.
Gripping on tightly to the sink I pulled my self to my feet and turned to the bathroom storage cupboard. I new it had a lock but I learnt how to brake into it ages ago however as expected the lock wasn‘t in use these days any way. There had been no need to lock it after I moved out of the house.
As expected there where at least four fresh unopened blades in the packaging. They where not the usual safety razors but the deadly sharp ones with no plastic protection around them, dad preferred these; so did I.”
Carefully I unwrapped the blade from the paper wrapping and sank back down to the floor. I seemed more cantered now I was in control of my decent into nothingness and I aloud my self a few moments to feel the longing need for the blood to overtake me until I shock with my anticipation of it. The longer I waited, the more pain I felt. The bigger the relief would be when the blade finally was aloud to eat my skin.
I chose my upper legs as the place to cut and breathing hard through the pain of waiting I unbuckled my belt popped open the button on my jeans and shimmied out of them throwing them to one side before resting both my legs flat out in front of me on the cold white tiled floor so I could breathily study them.
I found a “safe” Place away from any main blood supplies and started to cut. Eventually I would aim for the femoral artery when I had had enough “fun” but first of all I just wanted to enjoy the bleeding and all the euphoria that came with it.
I cut superficial but frenzied making gash after gash all over the top of my left leg breathing heavily with a smile on my face as I watched the little droplets run off of my leg at sped and land in perfect little specks on the white tiles underneath. There was something brilliant about the bright red splotches covering the white floor pure floor cold tiles underneath I had never worked put what but witnessing them again made me realise why I always like this bathroom as my “cutting spot”
Emmet, Eemm… yeah it’s Liz. I have Esmee with me; she is locked her self in my bathroom and she is really upset. I don’t know what’s got into her but she says you split up. You have to come and sort this out.” There was a gap in the talking on the phone where Emmet set about blowing my cover. “Hurt her self? She wouldn’t do… She would! I thought she stopped; yes come, come.” My mum shouted on the end of the phone to Emmet. This would of normally made things feel better but now it made them worse and as the only reaction I could think of I picked up the pace of the cutting on my legs. If I could keep cutting I would be OK when I was cutting I was invincible.
Saturday, 12 March 2011
(Esmee) Responsible, Underwater sleeping and patient 264 (Mi's side)
Responsible
“You have done all this before haven’t you Esmee. From the other side of the fence.” Jean said smiling as she put the folder down on the desk and signalled for me to do the same thing even though I had all ready done so as my breathing was accelerating beyond what was normal and my hands shock so I bunched them into fists before biting on my lip.
I had not told anyone here other then Emmet that Apple gate house used to be my home. For over a year it used to be where I did everything and everything I said was true. I silently begged for every member of staff to hug me when they watched me cry. I hated it the most when I had lost all the control that I fort for and I was spread eagle on the floor and my whole body screaming and every member of staff around me had the power over me. I hated it when the needle of the syringe pricked in my bum cheek but worse still was when the room swam around and though your whole body fort the sleep you new that your eyes would close and you would be a tiny thin half naked little girl sleeping on the floor on show for the world to see.
“I won’t tell any one Esmee I promise you that. I am sorry I must of sounded like a insensitive bitch.” Jean said pulling her self off of the chair and moving over the room towards my desk before placing her hand on my shoulder.
“Emmet found me on the street with an oesophagus that was ruptured in four different places. I cut so much and so deep that I nearly lost all of my natural blood and it was all replaced by blood in bags. God known’s how many blood dinners saved my life that day with out them and the people who worked on me I would of died it was a miracle for me to survive at all but before I went unconscious Emmet told me that he loved me and I survived for him.”
“Here chicken.” Jean said handing me a box of the usual sand paper tissues that where scattered around every hospital that you went in ready and waiting for any tears that where to be shed, but they shouldn’t be my tears. They should be the tears of patients tears of the relatives not tears of the nurses we had to be the strong points, the people who did not need the tissues.
“Jean I am sorry, I shouldn’t be upset.” I said discarding the crumbling tissue using the side of my hand instead.
“It’s just whenever I here someone say I can be to compassionate. I think of a million and one things on how I could help more because the things that happened to me will haunt me forever and I don’t want the same things to haunt them too.” I moaned trying to use the technique that that I had learned to help me fight off the memories I didn’t want to have. There was a time and place to deal with things and in work when I was meant to be looking after a lot of people. When I was responsible for checking on them was not the right time.
“Oh, shit, fuck, damn and crap! Checks! I am meant to be doing checks! Mi’s in the bath and it’s been thirty minutes.” I yelled jumping to my feet rushing to the door.
“If anything happened I swear I will never forgive my self!”
Underwater sleeping
“Mi, Mi it’s Esmee.” I said knocking hard on the bathroom door while shouting.
“I am sorry it has been so long. I got caught up but I have come to check to see if you are OK.” I said in apologetic voice to the door but there was no response in fact there was no noise from inside of the bathroom at all, no running water no splashing, It was silent like no one was in there. Like she wasn’t in there.
.”Mi!” I shouted louder now trying to twist the lock in the door with my fingers. They where meant to be quick accesses locks and they where when people’s hands where no shaking like mine where now.
“Mi I am coming in.” I yelled again finally managing to get the lock open and barge into the room where I ran over to the bath.
Mi was under the bath water that was now red with vomit floating around on the top and I recalled slightly my mind going fuzzy as I almost threw up over my self. I new how to react as a nurse but I was more then that. I new for a long time she meant so much more then that, then patient 264 Mia Rose Dorado. She was Mi a fighter, a survivor in her own way but she had no idea she was and she had a smile that when she used it lit up a room and she made me laugh and she even though her world was dark she hung onto hope but now it looked like she had proven us all wrong. Her tiny body still small but growling with the nourishment we had given her was under blood red water sleeping.
Patient 264Suddenly my nursing instincts kicked in and I reached into the water grabbing her from under the arms and pulling her up and out of the bath onto the floor and onto her back. She looked barely human now though. Her lips a watery blood stained blue with mucus and vomit congealing them together. her skin a pasty white and her eyes closed gently though the lids where no purple. There was no colour to her cheeks. She was bleeding arterially from both wrists and there was a deep long cut on her leg that might of hit the femoral artery but the blood wasn’t pumping now normally with arterial bleeds this would be a good thing but here it wasn’t. it should have been pumping out but of course there was no heart beat to make the blood pump out. There was no breath coming from her blue lips. For all intense and purposes she was dead and cold on the floor worse still fifteen minutes earlier and I might of got to her.
“Help! Help in the bathroom! Help me! Please god help me!! I yelled smashing the RRA on my wrist that I normally never used. “She isn’t breathing!” I yelled again before dropping to my knees and next to her body and wiping off her lips with my fingers before tilting back her head and opening her mouth for now I took a deep breath and cleared my mind. For now Mi the fighter with the perfect smile that lighted up a room The little sixteen year old girl that I loved like I did my own daughter in so many ways had to become Patient 264 Mia Rose Dorado. She had too become nothing to me. if I was going to save her I had to be prepared for her to die.
“You have done all this before haven’t you Esmee. From the other side of the fence.” Jean said smiling as she put the folder down on the desk and signalled for me to do the same thing even though I had all ready done so as my breathing was accelerating beyond what was normal and my hands shock so I bunched them into fists before biting on my lip.
I had not told anyone here other then Emmet that Apple gate house used to be my home. For over a year it used to be where I did everything and everything I said was true. I silently begged for every member of staff to hug me when they watched me cry. I hated it the most when I had lost all the control that I fort for and I was spread eagle on the floor and my whole body screaming and every member of staff around me had the power over me. I hated it when the needle of the syringe pricked in my bum cheek but worse still was when the room swam around and though your whole body fort the sleep you new that your eyes would close and you would be a tiny thin half naked little girl sleeping on the floor on show for the world to see.
“I won’t tell any one Esmee I promise you that. I am sorry I must of sounded like a insensitive bitch.” Jean said pulling her self off of the chair and moving over the room towards my desk before placing her hand on my shoulder.
“Emmet found me on the street with an oesophagus that was ruptured in four different places. I cut so much and so deep that I nearly lost all of my natural blood and it was all replaced by blood in bags. God known’s how many blood dinners saved my life that day with out them and the people who worked on me I would of died it was a miracle for me to survive at all but before I went unconscious Emmet told me that he loved me and I survived for him.”
“Here chicken.” Jean said handing me a box of the usual sand paper tissues that where scattered around every hospital that you went in ready and waiting for any tears that where to be shed, but they shouldn’t be my tears. They should be the tears of patients tears of the relatives not tears of the nurses we had to be the strong points, the people who did not need the tissues.
“Jean I am sorry, I shouldn’t be upset.” I said discarding the crumbling tissue using the side of my hand instead.
“It’s just whenever I here someone say I can be to compassionate. I think of a million and one things on how I could help more because the things that happened to me will haunt me forever and I don’t want the same things to haunt them too.” I moaned trying to use the technique that that I had learned to help me fight off the memories I didn’t want to have. There was a time and place to deal with things and in work when I was meant to be looking after a lot of people. When I was responsible for checking on them was not the right time.
“Oh, shit, fuck, damn and crap! Checks! I am meant to be doing checks! Mi’s in the bath and it’s been thirty minutes.” I yelled jumping to my feet rushing to the door.
“If anything happened I swear I will never forgive my self!”
Underwater sleeping
“Mi, Mi it’s Esmee.” I said knocking hard on the bathroom door while shouting.
“I am sorry it has been so long. I got caught up but I have come to check to see if you are OK.” I said in apologetic voice to the door but there was no response in fact there was no noise from inside of the bathroom at all, no running water no splashing, It was silent like no one was in there. Like she wasn’t in there.
.”Mi!” I shouted louder now trying to twist the lock in the door with my fingers. They where meant to be quick accesses locks and they where when people’s hands where no shaking like mine where now.
“Mi I am coming in.” I yelled again finally managing to get the lock open and barge into the room where I ran over to the bath.
Mi was under the bath water that was now red with vomit floating around on the top and I recalled slightly my mind going fuzzy as I almost threw up over my self. I new how to react as a nurse but I was more then that. I new for a long time she meant so much more then that, then patient 264 Mia Rose Dorado. She was Mi a fighter, a survivor in her own way but she had no idea she was and she had a smile that when she used it lit up a room and she made me laugh and she even though her world was dark she hung onto hope but now it looked like she had proven us all wrong. Her tiny body still small but growling with the nourishment we had given her was under blood red water sleeping.
Patient 264Suddenly my nursing instincts kicked in and I reached into the water grabbing her from under the arms and pulling her up and out of the bath onto the floor and onto her back. She looked barely human now though. Her lips a watery blood stained blue with mucus and vomit congealing them together. her skin a pasty white and her eyes closed gently though the lids where no purple. There was no colour to her cheeks. She was bleeding arterially from both wrists and there was a deep long cut on her leg that might of hit the femoral artery but the blood wasn’t pumping now normally with arterial bleeds this would be a good thing but here it wasn’t. it should have been pumping out but of course there was no heart beat to make the blood pump out. There was no breath coming from her blue lips. For all intense and purposes she was dead and cold on the floor worse still fifteen minutes earlier and I might of got to her.
“Help! Help in the bathroom! Help me! Please god help me!! I yelled smashing the RRA on my wrist that I normally never used. “She isn’t breathing!” I yelled again before dropping to my knees and next to her body and wiping off her lips with my fingers before tilting back her head and opening her mouth for now I took a deep breath and cleared my mind. For now Mi the fighter with the perfect smile that lighted up a room The little sixteen year old girl that I loved like I did my own daughter in so many ways had to become Patient 264 Mia Rose Dorado. She had too become nothing to me. if I was going to save her I had to be prepared for her to die.
Friday, 11 March 2011
Give me a chance and i will become Mi again, Who will remember me, Life on eath is ending (Mi's side)
THESE CHAPTERS ARE TRIGGERING AND HORABLEY GRAPHIC AT TIMES. I KNOW I SHOULD OF CALMED THEM DOWN A BIT BUT I WANTED TO SHOW THAT THERE WAS NOTHING ROMANTIC ABOUT SUICIDE. PLEASE BE SAFE I DON'T WANT TO GET ANY ONE UPSET.
Give me a chance and I will become Mi again
Emmet as I expected took my lie as fact so did every other person that asked the same question and the worst thing the more I lied the easier it became. In the space of I few hours I built another wall and made another mask managing somehow to hide behind them all and it wasn’t hard I could become (if I wasn’t in apple gate any more) the Mi I used to be. If I tried hard I could get all the grade Back up. I could be A plus . I could be focused I could be all they ever wanted from me and more but I didn’t have to try for long and the time had come. The day had faded and the lights on the unit had taken over the sun. I had eaten all the crap that was put in front of me. I even tried to read some of the book that I hadn’t picked up in weeks. I smiled I laughed and every so often I laid my hand over my chest and felt of the little tiny razor hidden in the secret pocket of my bra. With it there it made it easier to go on. It made it easier to realized that even though I could manage days I just needed hours. Hours where more then simple.
“Checks!” Esmee announced swinging through the door by the door frame and smiling as she looked at my relaxed position on the bad. That of course was also a lie I had the time planed. This was Esmee’s forth check of the night. I had laughed and I had smiled with her, I had told her that I was OK and now was to put the real bit of the plan into action. I was just going to cut in the room. Long and deep but that never really helped they always found me and always carted me off in the back of an ambulance. Tonight I was doing it properly. In the bath hot water and tears turning red. I wanted it to be romantic but I new it wouldn’t be but most off all I just wanted it to be over.
Who will remember me?“Esmee I am going to go and have a bath OK.” I said smiling sweetly trying to make her heart melt. I haven’t had a bath since I got here and I used to really love baths.” I said smiling before getting up and stretching and grabbing the towel off the end of the bed and pulling it over my shoulder.
“That’s great honey it is good to do things that you like. I am going to come and check on you in fifteen minutes but I wont come in Ok so I will just shout through the door you just have to tell me that you are OK."
“That’s really good. Thanks. I will be OK though I am fine .” I said smiling though something in my chest felt heavy. Esmee was beautiful her sparkling black eyes her waving bouncing deep red shoulder length hair that smelt of sweet strawberries her pale soft touch skin and her rosy cheeks made her the most perfect thing. The way she walked and the way she talked. She was the mother that I had always wanted the mother I should have had.
It was going to hurt to lose her and standing there looking at her loving eyes and her smiling face I nearly changed her mind I nearly reached into my bra and placed the sharp steal deadly blade into her hand. Would she be the one to finally find me when I didn’t answer at the checks? Would she be the one to place her hands under my arm pits and pull me up out of the bath on to the ground. Would she have to be the one to press her mouth up against mine and try and breath for me? Would she be the one to press the palms of her hands down though my ribs to make my heart beat? Would she cry her tears over my stone dead blood drained body and if I died today would she remember me tomorrow?
Life on earth is endingThe bath water felt like it burned me as I stepped in and sat down in the water the heat making me gasp slightly as it turned the skin on my legs pink but I new the water needed to be hot to stop the blood clotting to soon.
I plunged my plastered hand under the water and tugged hard at the cast that encased my arm till it slipped off into the water exposing both of my arms. I would cut my one good arm first with the limited use of my first wrist trying this time to miss the tenants and then I would cut my bad arm. I had no idea how to start with my legs but I would head for the femoral artery they bleed a lot apparently.
There was nothing that I would miss about the world I wanted to be out. There was no one to miss me. No one to care no one to live for. My baby died because I was not strong enough to protect him from the monsters in my house. My sister rolled off of the side of the road and died inches from my face there was no family left form me no one for me to cling to and I didn’t want to survive any more I wanted to be with them.
Slowly and carefully I pressed the side of the blade down against my arms and dragged them back across the delicate blue veins under the water. The blood pumped out fast turning the water a deep red before going on to the other wrist and doing the same thing again making the blood pump quicker. My head span with the weight of what I had just done was this going to work now? Was this the last seconds of my life? Would the jade green textured walls be the last colours that flash before my eyes was the disgusting smell of anti-septic toilet cleaner going to be the last strong smell to burn in my noise and the back of my throat because I didn’t want that there was nothing romantic about the searing pain in my wrists there was nothing romantic about the way the vision in my eyes swirled uncomfortably in front of my eyes or the fact that my teeth chattered so violently even though my body felt like it was on fire. It was just plane humiliating that I was sure I had just wet my self in the bath because of the pain and the chattering of my teeth and utterly disgusting that I didn’t even have the energy left to hold my head over the side of the bath before I vomited so it just fell out of my mouth and smeared over my chest before floating in the deep red water.
“Arabella I’m coming now. Oscar Mummy’s coming to look after you at last I whispered trying to block out the part that told my to use the last of my energy to scream for help that this wasn’t actually the way to die drowning in a tub full of your own blood sick and urine but I thought that at least it was a way and I had never felt like I did then. I was going to die become the number on a page for so many but it didn’t matter because I was going with the people who really cared. I was going to be able to hold my son for the first time, to rest in Arabella’s arms and I new there I would never feel no pain. Suicide was painful and humiliating but it would be over soon if only I could endure it so with the last of my little strength I slashed the blade down across the side of my leg roughly where the femoral artery was and sank under the bloody water the world around me going black as Arabella focused in the front of my mind. I was home at last
Give me a chance and I will become Mi again
Emmet as I expected took my lie as fact so did every other person that asked the same question and the worst thing the more I lied the easier it became. In the space of I few hours I built another wall and made another mask managing somehow to hide behind them all and it wasn’t hard I could become (if I wasn’t in apple gate any more) the Mi I used to be. If I tried hard I could get all the grade Back up. I could be A plus . I could be focused I could be all they ever wanted from me and more but I didn’t have to try for long and the time had come. The day had faded and the lights on the unit had taken over the sun. I had eaten all the crap that was put in front of me. I even tried to read some of the book that I hadn’t picked up in weeks. I smiled I laughed and every so often I laid my hand over my chest and felt of the little tiny razor hidden in the secret pocket of my bra. With it there it made it easier to go on. It made it easier to realized that even though I could manage days I just needed hours. Hours where more then simple.
“Checks!” Esmee announced swinging through the door by the door frame and smiling as she looked at my relaxed position on the bad. That of course was also a lie I had the time planed. This was Esmee’s forth check of the night. I had laughed and I had smiled with her, I had told her that I was OK and now was to put the real bit of the plan into action. I was just going to cut in the room. Long and deep but that never really helped they always found me and always carted me off in the back of an ambulance. Tonight I was doing it properly. In the bath hot water and tears turning red. I wanted it to be romantic but I new it wouldn’t be but most off all I just wanted it to be over.
Who will remember me?“Esmee I am going to go and have a bath OK.” I said smiling sweetly trying to make her heart melt. I haven’t had a bath since I got here and I used to really love baths.” I said smiling before getting up and stretching and grabbing the towel off the end of the bed and pulling it over my shoulder.
“That’s great honey it is good to do things that you like. I am going to come and check on you in fifteen minutes but I wont come in Ok so I will just shout through the door you just have to tell me that you are OK."
“That’s really good. Thanks. I will be OK though I am fine .” I said smiling though something in my chest felt heavy. Esmee was beautiful her sparkling black eyes her waving bouncing deep red shoulder length hair that smelt of sweet strawberries her pale soft touch skin and her rosy cheeks made her the most perfect thing. The way she walked and the way she talked. She was the mother that I had always wanted the mother I should have had.
It was going to hurt to lose her and standing there looking at her loving eyes and her smiling face I nearly changed her mind I nearly reached into my bra and placed the sharp steal deadly blade into her hand. Would she be the one to finally find me when I didn’t answer at the checks? Would she be the one to place her hands under my arm pits and pull me up out of the bath on to the ground. Would she have to be the one to press her mouth up against mine and try and breath for me? Would she be the one to press the palms of her hands down though my ribs to make my heart beat? Would she cry her tears over my stone dead blood drained body and if I died today would she remember me tomorrow?
Life on earth is endingThe bath water felt like it burned me as I stepped in and sat down in the water the heat making me gasp slightly as it turned the skin on my legs pink but I new the water needed to be hot to stop the blood clotting to soon.
I plunged my plastered hand under the water and tugged hard at the cast that encased my arm till it slipped off into the water exposing both of my arms. I would cut my one good arm first with the limited use of my first wrist trying this time to miss the tenants and then I would cut my bad arm. I had no idea how to start with my legs but I would head for the femoral artery they bleed a lot apparently.
There was nothing that I would miss about the world I wanted to be out. There was no one to miss me. No one to care no one to live for. My baby died because I was not strong enough to protect him from the monsters in my house. My sister rolled off of the side of the road and died inches from my face there was no family left form me no one for me to cling to and I didn’t want to survive any more I wanted to be with them.
Slowly and carefully I pressed the side of the blade down against my arms and dragged them back across the delicate blue veins under the water. The blood pumped out fast turning the water a deep red before going on to the other wrist and doing the same thing again making the blood pump quicker. My head span with the weight of what I had just done was this going to work now? Was this the last seconds of my life? Would the jade green textured walls be the last colours that flash before my eyes was the disgusting smell of anti-septic toilet cleaner going to be the last strong smell to burn in my noise and the back of my throat because I didn’t want that there was nothing romantic about the searing pain in my wrists there was nothing romantic about the way the vision in my eyes swirled uncomfortably in front of my eyes or the fact that my teeth chattered so violently even though my body felt like it was on fire. It was just plane humiliating that I was sure I had just wet my self in the bath because of the pain and the chattering of my teeth and utterly disgusting that I didn’t even have the energy left to hold my head over the side of the bath before I vomited so it just fell out of my mouth and smeared over my chest before floating in the deep red water.
“Arabella I’m coming now. Oscar Mummy’s coming to look after you at last I whispered trying to block out the part that told my to use the last of my energy to scream for help that this wasn’t actually the way to die drowning in a tub full of your own blood sick and urine but I thought that at least it was a way and I had never felt like I did then. I was going to die become the number on a page for so many but it didn’t matter because I was going with the people who really cared. I was going to be able to hold my son for the first time, to rest in Arabella’s arms and I new there I would never feel no pain. Suicide was painful and humiliating but it would be over soon if only I could endure it so with the last of my little strength I slashed the blade down across the side of my leg roughly where the femoral artery was and sank under the bloody water the world around me going black as Arabella focused in the front of my mind. I was home at last
Monday, 7 February 2011
For him I survived. (Mi's side) (Esmess POV flashback)
Ok So i know this is a bit wiered but i wanted to get a chapter like this in one of the storys somewhere and it seemed to slot in quite well here. So this is Mi's story but is Esmee's flash back so it is told from her point of view. I hope that makes sence and i hope that it is good, enjoy.
For him I survived (Esmee’s POV flashback)
My breath caught over and over again in my chest as I peered down in to my underwear there was no way I could be seeing what I was seeing. They still said I was thin. That I was very thin for what I should be. They changed the dressings on my hip bones every day because they told me if they didn’t they would become infected. They told me the only reason my hip bones needed the dressings where because there was no fat or muscles to protect the fragile bones underneath and the cotton on my trousers where rubbing away my lifeless flaking skin. They told me all the emergency drip feeds and Tubes up my nose where important just because with out them my fragile hart would stop beating. That the times where they kept me on one to one observations confined to a bed using a commode because even the little effort of me getting to the bath room would burn calories that I just couldn’t afford to lose was because those few calories where a matter of life and death. They said that I was tiny and little and that I was dying, that one day my heart would shudder and die because there was nothing left to keep it going any more but here was the thing that chewed me up inside, they where all lying. Very thin people didn’t have a menstrual cycle. Dangerously thin people didn’t get periods. I was fat. They had lied and I was to hurt to bounce back from it.
I screamed silently into my hands. I wanted the tears to flow. The ones that where forever stuck in my soul eroding everything that I could hold onto. The ones that where forever stuck there and no matter how hard I tried I could never cry them out either because I didn’t want to or it had been so long I had forgotten how.
Shaking I grabbed a tampon out of my bag and with shaking hand inserted it causing pain to ripple up through my entire body. Retching with the pain I fell to the sink and hold on for dear life so I didn’t fall to my knees screaming.
It was then that I saw it sneering at me from the stupid unbreakable mirror in front of me. The tube that crept up my nose and hung over my left ear the white surgical tape criss crossed just under my eye.
Anger seeped through ever part of me replacing the pain that had once been there. The tub was what had done this to me what had turned me even fatter then I all ready was. The tube had ruined everything, because of that tube I would not die from malnutrition because of that tube I was falling apart inside and there was no hope of me dying to escape the pain. The tube had to go.
With shaking hands I ripped the tape off of my face and yanked down on the tube making the the splitting pain come back again but I didn’t care I was doing what I should of done a long time ago. I was talking back my controle. I pulled again this time harder which started the gagging but I kept on going untill the last of the tube was out and lying bloody in the sink in front of me and then came the sickness the heavy retching sckness where I spat more blood then I had ever seen before into the sink in front of me.
“Little Monster. I am coming in little monster you know there is no way I can stay out here and let you make your self sick. Do you want to land up on bed rest again.”
“I am called Esmee!” I shreakled wiping the blood of of my face but only smeered it worse as the blood began to drip out of my nose as well.
“Just because my last name is monster doesn’t mean you get to make up stupid nick names.!” I screamed as the keys rattled and Ryan one of the staff nurse came stumbling through the door tripping over his own feet in the process.
“Esmee. Yor bleeding lots OK, you need to let me help you.” Ryan said stopping completely still in the door way holding his hands in the air like I had a huge gun drawn and ready to fire at him if he moved any closer.
“No!” I shouted my hands shaking as I leant over to puke more blood all over the floor and onto my feet. Nearly falling over as the agony struck again.
“I am leaving right now.” I stammered before regaining my composure. “I hate this OK. I hate this unit and all you creepy nurces so why don’t you just hand me your damn keys so I can get out the damn front door and away from here! They told me that Apple gate house was a bright and shiney new unit to help people like me and guess what it hasn’t Ok. It have been here over half a year now and nothing has changed! so I am leaving Ok. So give me your fucking keys!” I yelled thrusting my hand out in ryans direction so he could hand over his keys.
“You know I can’t let you do that little monster. I have to stop you.” Ryan said heading towards me ready to pull me down to the ground but I had been there to log. I had done it far to often and I new where to hit a man the hardest and With out thinking I thrashed out with my legs and landed a kick right in the crouch.
“You little bitch!” Ryan yelled at me as he fell to the floor curling up into the fetel position on the floor so I took my opportunity to grab his keys and head for the front door. I new the key they all used for the front door and once I was out there was nothing stopping me I was free and I new what I needed to. I needed this to be the end.
Breathing fast I tripped to the top of the stares before vomiting two more huge mouth fulls of blood over the new carpet. Then I stumbling down the stares leaving a trail of blood as I weant. I new my desternation and I new why I had to get there but everything moved to slowly, there where two many stares and I couldn’t run as fast as I should to get to the front door.
“Esmee. Esmee stop you are bleeding badly and we need to take a look at it.” Ignoriing the chiming Of Mandys voice that was now heading closer to my direction I rattled through the keys with shaking hands. They where all kept together on a big metal ring, the kind of keys that presions guards taunted their prisoners with by spinning them around on there fingers just outside of their reach and the nurces did this all the time to their patients in here too. They treated us like animals that they could lock up and release when they wanted to. We where nothing but there toys.
From behind me a hand came forward over my shoulder and grasped the hands around the keys before trying to tug them out of my hands which made the sharp edges of the keys dig into the flesh on the palms.
“Get off of them! Get off! I shouted
“Esmee you arnt aloud toi have these keys and I can’t let you leave the unit.” Mandy growled before tugging the keys one finel time causing them to cut big lines into my flesh before they left my hands.
With out thinking what I was doing I reacted and punched out hard landing a blow right in the middle of Mandys nose which caused a crack and blood to spurt from it in all directions. She also dropped the keys onto the floor so she could swear loudly and cup her hands over her heavily bleeding nose.
“I’m sorry OK.” I mumbled going to my kness and grabbing the keys from the floor “I don’t like to hurt people, but I have had enough and I need those keys. Mandy and I couldn’t let you ruin that, I am sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt it to badly and I’m sorry.” I moaned trying yet another key in the door the only diffrance was this one let the lock lose with a satisfying click before opening and letting the world outside flood in the door.
I recoiled back into my self at all the sounds and the smells of the out side world come up to smack me right in the face I had been inside too long. Inside a prison where the windows opened just a crack and the staff talked to you like you where likely to respond by dribbling and a series of one syllable sounds. The strange thing was though there was a part of me at that moment that considered closing the door with me still back inside the building. It almost seemed to scary.
“It’s Esmee! Yes little monster Esmee! She has keys! She is bleeding!” Shouted the staff behind me to each other as Mandy tried to make a grab for my ankle.
“the little monster is leaving.” I whispered taking one last look over my shoulder before pushing my body out of the door and into the heat of the July sun running.
My body didn’t want to run, I felt far to week to run and every time my feet hit the floor my stomach clenched and I vomited more blood down over my front onto the pavement but I run anyway. I new the staff wouldn’t take long to compose them self’s and I new they would try to catch me, I also new I didn’t want to be caught. I could not deal with the pain any more.
The two dressing pads on my hips pulled at my skin and with every step I felt the skin rub off and the blood start to drip down onto my underwear but still I kept on running. I needed to keep on running. I didn’t know where I was going or how I was going to get there but there was no way I could get caught again, there was no way I could just go back there and let them shove more drips in me, let them keep me confined to a bed where they could make me even fatter then what I had all ready become.
After I ran for what felt like a long time my body came to a stop before my mind wanted to and I bent over into the gutter throwing up over and over again spraying blood over my self and the gray gravel underneath. Every part of my body hurt and I could barley breath from the blood that gathered in my throat but it hurt to much to keep expelling it over the floor. This time I was really drowning in my own blood, in my own panic, that was when I saw the sharp edges of the broken beer bottle looking up at me from the gutter and I new what to do. With stumbling bloody hands I reached out and grabbed at the bottle. It had always helped me before and what did it matter if I didn’t right now there was nothing else left anyway it all ready felt like I was drowning in my own blood, if the cuts killed me it would be a relief. If the suffering would just disappear for one tiny minute it would be worth it. I was done. It was over.
The glass cut deep into the thin skin on my arms and the blood flowed quickly out onto the pavement and over my clothes but still there was nothing more I could do apart from keep cutting longer and deeper cuts into my arm with every cut the pain slipped away With every long deeper cut the feeling that I wanted and grew to love took over my senses and all I new was I wanted more. Needed more.
“Wow, honey, stop hurting your self. Give me that bottle OK, your bleeding a lot and I have to help you. Whatever it is I can help OK. Well I will try but you have to give me that glas"
“Go away unless you want the same fate as Ryan, I growled slicing the bottle hard down on the inside of my wrists causing a jet of deep red blood to spurt out across the gravel and into my eyes. “I am not going back to that place! I want to die OK.”
“I don’t know where your from are who you are Honey but I am calling an ambulance and I am going to get you some help. One because I am a student nurse and I am not going to lose a young girl before I even get my licence OK. Now I have to put pressure on that wrist and you have to tell me why you are throwing blood up all over the pavements and why the hell you are using a broken beer bottle to cut into your own skin!” The same man said gently before crouching down next to me and squeezing his hands hard against the gapping wound in my wrists but the blood kept pumping out any way trickling through the cracks in his fingers like sand through a fist.
“I’m Emmet by the way.” The man said softly before ripping the bottom of his tee shirt and making make shift bandage around the wounds on my arms. “Is there any chance of you telling me yours?”
“I’m Esmee and I ran away.” I sighed everything crushing down on my chest as I placed my good hand over the top of Emmet’s hand.
“Ran away from where?”
“Apple gate house. You know the new child loony bin. I ran away because they made me fat Emmet. I had spent my life trying to get thin and pretty and perfect and they shove me in there for nearly seven months now and put tubes down my nose and they make me fat and nasty and horrible.”
“You think your fat?” Emmet asked shocked. “What! A tube in your nose! Esmee you had an NG!” Emmet yelled spinning me around to face him. “Esmee there is no NG in your nose now, what the hell happened?” Emmet shouted shaking me roughly by the shoulder like she was trying to rattle the words out of me.
“I tore the stupid thing out OK!” I yelled causing more blood to escape out the corners of my mouth.
"because I am screaming OK! I am shouting and I am screaming inside and I can’t stop and there is nothing else left in me and you know what I really want to do Emmet! I want to snuggle up in that over muscular chest of your and I want to cry until I have no more tears left in my body but I can’t do that A because you are one of the hottest men I have ever seen and I am a fat stupid loony child that has run away from the mental unit and B it has been so long since I actually cried I think I have forgotten how! I yelled shaking Emmet’s hand of my shoulder before coughing up more blood onto the floor in front of me.
“Right Esmee shut the fuck up for a bit and open your gob!” Emmet shouted over me as he tried to hock open my mouth with one of the fingers on his three hand.
“What? Get the hell off of me!”
“Open your damn moth all ready! I need to check your throat if you have pulled your NG out you might of ruptured your oesophagus and you might be bleeding out which means you might die and I don’t want that to happen.” Emmet said firmly trying to make a tourniquet out of the rest of his shirt to stop the blood pumping so fast out of my wrist and into the gutter next to me.
“I am not scared of dying Emmet, in fact I would quite like it.” I soothed letting me lips curl up into a smile before I puked more blood onto the gutter in front of me making me feel like my chest was actually tearing in half from the pressure.
“Well I am scared of you dying OK Esmee. I am really scared.” Emmet said his voice shaking as he used one of his fingers help remove the congealed vomit out of my mouth and onto the street while I slumped back heavily into his body unable to support my own weight any more.
“You have an arterial bleed in you wrist, you could be slowly drowning in your own blood and there are wounds on your hips that go down to the bone which means you could die from an infection! Hell Esmee it will be a damn miracle if you don‘t die right now and I do not what you to die in my arms! You are what 14 years old?"
“16!” I spluttered sneezing causing blood to pore out the end of my nose and mouth making the world spin around me a little more.
“Well I am 19 OK a whole three years older then you and I am sure as hell too young to die so by default that makes you too young to die OK” Emmet shouted in a panic before throwing my arm up into the air as the blood pumped through his make shift bandage and the cracks in his fingers. His breath was shallow and his face had become red in his panic. He seemed generally scared for me and I had no idea why. I was nothing to him just a poor little freak he found bleeding on the streets and I he was nothing to me yet with my last ounce of strength to fight I tried to comfort him.
“Emmet I have felt like I am dead inside for so long. Hell I am such an emotional freak now that I can’t even cry. So dying is not the worst thing Emmet, for me dying is good. For me it means an end to the hurting.”
“You can not die Esmee OK! You just can’t! Emmet snapped.
“Why?” I shouted Exasperated
“Esmee do you believe in love at first sight?” Emmet asked he voice suddenly less shaky and a lot more passionate as he once again spinned my body so he could look into my eyes and I could look into his.
His eyes where blue and sparkling and deep as the ocean and they did something amazing they made mine fill with tears and my bottom lip quiver they made me cry and hell I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry so badly.
“Why?” I stuttered a single tear falling down over my cheek. “What has that got to do with me dying here.”
“Everything! Because I never did OK. because I thought the whole idea was stupid and irrational and something designed to sell Hollywood movies but then I came across you sitting in the street and I see your face and those beautiful black eyes and all that changes in an instant because I do believe in it now. I believe in it because I have set my eyes on you and I love you Esmee! I love every damn part of you so that is why you are not aloud to die because I just know you are the half that will make me whole and with out you I never will be!”
For him I survived (Esmee’s POV flashback)
My breath caught over and over again in my chest as I peered down in to my underwear there was no way I could be seeing what I was seeing. They still said I was thin. That I was very thin for what I should be. They changed the dressings on my hip bones every day because they told me if they didn’t they would become infected. They told me the only reason my hip bones needed the dressings where because there was no fat or muscles to protect the fragile bones underneath and the cotton on my trousers where rubbing away my lifeless flaking skin. They told me all the emergency drip feeds and Tubes up my nose where important just because with out them my fragile hart would stop beating. That the times where they kept me on one to one observations confined to a bed using a commode because even the little effort of me getting to the bath room would burn calories that I just couldn’t afford to lose was because those few calories where a matter of life and death. They said that I was tiny and little and that I was dying, that one day my heart would shudder and die because there was nothing left to keep it going any more but here was the thing that chewed me up inside, they where all lying. Very thin people didn’t have a menstrual cycle. Dangerously thin people didn’t get periods. I was fat. They had lied and I was to hurt to bounce back from it.
I screamed silently into my hands. I wanted the tears to flow. The ones that where forever stuck in my soul eroding everything that I could hold onto. The ones that where forever stuck there and no matter how hard I tried I could never cry them out either because I didn’t want to or it had been so long I had forgotten how.
Shaking I grabbed a tampon out of my bag and with shaking hand inserted it causing pain to ripple up through my entire body. Retching with the pain I fell to the sink and hold on for dear life so I didn’t fall to my knees screaming.
It was then that I saw it sneering at me from the stupid unbreakable mirror in front of me. The tube that crept up my nose and hung over my left ear the white surgical tape criss crossed just under my eye.
Anger seeped through ever part of me replacing the pain that had once been there. The tub was what had done this to me what had turned me even fatter then I all ready was. The tube had ruined everything, because of that tube I would not die from malnutrition because of that tube I was falling apart inside and there was no hope of me dying to escape the pain. The tube had to go.
With shaking hands I ripped the tape off of my face and yanked down on the tube making the the splitting pain come back again but I didn’t care I was doing what I should of done a long time ago. I was talking back my controle. I pulled again this time harder which started the gagging but I kept on going untill the last of the tube was out and lying bloody in the sink in front of me and then came the sickness the heavy retching sckness where I spat more blood then I had ever seen before into the sink in front of me.
“Little Monster. I am coming in little monster you know there is no way I can stay out here and let you make your self sick. Do you want to land up on bed rest again.”
“I am called Esmee!” I shreakled wiping the blood of of my face but only smeered it worse as the blood began to drip out of my nose as well.
“Just because my last name is monster doesn’t mean you get to make up stupid nick names.!” I screamed as the keys rattled and Ryan one of the staff nurse came stumbling through the door tripping over his own feet in the process.
“Esmee. Yor bleeding lots OK, you need to let me help you.” Ryan said stopping completely still in the door way holding his hands in the air like I had a huge gun drawn and ready to fire at him if he moved any closer.
“No!” I shouted my hands shaking as I leant over to puke more blood all over the floor and onto my feet. Nearly falling over as the agony struck again.
“I am leaving right now.” I stammered before regaining my composure. “I hate this OK. I hate this unit and all you creepy nurces so why don’t you just hand me your damn keys so I can get out the damn front door and away from here! They told me that Apple gate house was a bright and shiney new unit to help people like me and guess what it hasn’t Ok. It have been here over half a year now and nothing has changed! so I am leaving Ok. So give me your fucking keys!” I yelled thrusting my hand out in ryans direction so he could hand over his keys.
“You know I can’t let you do that little monster. I have to stop you.” Ryan said heading towards me ready to pull me down to the ground but I had been there to log. I had done it far to often and I new where to hit a man the hardest and With out thinking I thrashed out with my legs and landed a kick right in the crouch.
“You little bitch!” Ryan yelled at me as he fell to the floor curling up into the fetel position on the floor so I took my opportunity to grab his keys and head for the front door. I new the key they all used for the front door and once I was out there was nothing stopping me I was free and I new what I needed to. I needed this to be the end.
Breathing fast I tripped to the top of the stares before vomiting two more huge mouth fulls of blood over the new carpet. Then I stumbling down the stares leaving a trail of blood as I weant. I new my desternation and I new why I had to get there but everything moved to slowly, there where two many stares and I couldn’t run as fast as I should to get to the front door.
“Esmee. Esmee stop you are bleeding badly and we need to take a look at it.” Ignoriing the chiming Of Mandys voice that was now heading closer to my direction I rattled through the keys with shaking hands. They where all kept together on a big metal ring, the kind of keys that presions guards taunted their prisoners with by spinning them around on there fingers just outside of their reach and the nurces did this all the time to their patients in here too. They treated us like animals that they could lock up and release when they wanted to. We where nothing but there toys.
From behind me a hand came forward over my shoulder and grasped the hands around the keys before trying to tug them out of my hands which made the sharp edges of the keys dig into the flesh on the palms.
“Get off of them! Get off! I shouted
“Esmee you arnt aloud toi have these keys and I can’t let you leave the unit.” Mandy growled before tugging the keys one finel time causing them to cut big lines into my flesh before they left my hands.
With out thinking what I was doing I reacted and punched out hard landing a blow right in the middle of Mandys nose which caused a crack and blood to spurt from it in all directions. She also dropped the keys onto the floor so she could swear loudly and cup her hands over her heavily bleeding nose.
“I’m sorry OK.” I mumbled going to my kness and grabbing the keys from the floor “I don’t like to hurt people, but I have had enough and I need those keys. Mandy and I couldn’t let you ruin that, I am sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt it to badly and I’m sorry.” I moaned trying yet another key in the door the only diffrance was this one let the lock lose with a satisfying click before opening and letting the world outside flood in the door.
I recoiled back into my self at all the sounds and the smells of the out side world come up to smack me right in the face I had been inside too long. Inside a prison where the windows opened just a crack and the staff talked to you like you where likely to respond by dribbling and a series of one syllable sounds. The strange thing was though there was a part of me at that moment that considered closing the door with me still back inside the building. It almost seemed to scary.
“It’s Esmee! Yes little monster Esmee! She has keys! She is bleeding!” Shouted the staff behind me to each other as Mandy tried to make a grab for my ankle.
“the little monster is leaving.” I whispered taking one last look over my shoulder before pushing my body out of the door and into the heat of the July sun running.
My body didn’t want to run, I felt far to week to run and every time my feet hit the floor my stomach clenched and I vomited more blood down over my front onto the pavement but I run anyway. I new the staff wouldn’t take long to compose them self’s and I new they would try to catch me, I also new I didn’t want to be caught. I could not deal with the pain any more.
The two dressing pads on my hips pulled at my skin and with every step I felt the skin rub off and the blood start to drip down onto my underwear but still I kept on running. I needed to keep on running. I didn’t know where I was going or how I was going to get there but there was no way I could get caught again, there was no way I could just go back there and let them shove more drips in me, let them keep me confined to a bed where they could make me even fatter then what I had all ready become.
After I ran for what felt like a long time my body came to a stop before my mind wanted to and I bent over into the gutter throwing up over and over again spraying blood over my self and the gray gravel underneath. Every part of my body hurt and I could barley breath from the blood that gathered in my throat but it hurt to much to keep expelling it over the floor. This time I was really drowning in my own blood, in my own panic, that was when I saw the sharp edges of the broken beer bottle looking up at me from the gutter and I new what to do. With stumbling bloody hands I reached out and grabbed at the bottle. It had always helped me before and what did it matter if I didn’t right now there was nothing else left anyway it all ready felt like I was drowning in my own blood, if the cuts killed me it would be a relief. If the suffering would just disappear for one tiny minute it would be worth it. I was done. It was over.
The glass cut deep into the thin skin on my arms and the blood flowed quickly out onto the pavement and over my clothes but still there was nothing more I could do apart from keep cutting longer and deeper cuts into my arm with every cut the pain slipped away With every long deeper cut the feeling that I wanted and grew to love took over my senses and all I new was I wanted more. Needed more.
“Wow, honey, stop hurting your self. Give me that bottle OK, your bleeding a lot and I have to help you. Whatever it is I can help OK. Well I will try but you have to give me that glas"
“Go away unless you want the same fate as Ryan, I growled slicing the bottle hard down on the inside of my wrists causing a jet of deep red blood to spurt out across the gravel and into my eyes. “I am not going back to that place! I want to die OK.”
“I don’t know where your from are who you are Honey but I am calling an ambulance and I am going to get you some help. One because I am a student nurse and I am not going to lose a young girl before I even get my licence OK. Now I have to put pressure on that wrist and you have to tell me why you are throwing blood up all over the pavements and why the hell you are using a broken beer bottle to cut into your own skin!” The same man said gently before crouching down next to me and squeezing his hands hard against the gapping wound in my wrists but the blood kept pumping out any way trickling through the cracks in his fingers like sand through a fist.
“I’m Emmet by the way.” The man said softly before ripping the bottom of his tee shirt and making make shift bandage around the wounds on my arms. “Is there any chance of you telling me yours?”
“I’m Esmee and I ran away.” I sighed everything crushing down on my chest as I placed my good hand over the top of Emmet’s hand.
“Ran away from where?”
“Apple gate house. You know the new child loony bin. I ran away because they made me fat Emmet. I had spent my life trying to get thin and pretty and perfect and they shove me in there for nearly seven months now and put tubes down my nose and they make me fat and nasty and horrible.”
“You think your fat?” Emmet asked shocked. “What! A tube in your nose! Esmee you had an NG!” Emmet yelled spinning me around to face him. “Esmee there is no NG in your nose now, what the hell happened?” Emmet shouted shaking me roughly by the shoulder like she was trying to rattle the words out of me.
“I tore the stupid thing out OK!” I yelled causing more blood to escape out the corners of my mouth.
"because I am screaming OK! I am shouting and I am screaming inside and I can’t stop and there is nothing else left in me and you know what I really want to do Emmet! I want to snuggle up in that over muscular chest of your and I want to cry until I have no more tears left in my body but I can’t do that A because you are one of the hottest men I have ever seen and I am a fat stupid loony child that has run away from the mental unit and B it has been so long since I actually cried I think I have forgotten how! I yelled shaking Emmet’s hand of my shoulder before coughing up more blood onto the floor in front of me.
“Right Esmee shut the fuck up for a bit and open your gob!” Emmet shouted over me as he tried to hock open my mouth with one of the fingers on his three hand.
“What? Get the hell off of me!”
“Open your damn moth all ready! I need to check your throat if you have pulled your NG out you might of ruptured your oesophagus and you might be bleeding out which means you might die and I don’t want that to happen.” Emmet said firmly trying to make a tourniquet out of the rest of his shirt to stop the blood pumping so fast out of my wrist and into the gutter next to me.
“I am not scared of dying Emmet, in fact I would quite like it.” I soothed letting me lips curl up into a smile before I puked more blood onto the gutter in front of me making me feel like my chest was actually tearing in half from the pressure.
“Well I am scared of you dying OK Esmee. I am really scared.” Emmet said his voice shaking as he used one of his fingers help remove the congealed vomit out of my mouth and onto the street while I slumped back heavily into his body unable to support my own weight any more.
“You have an arterial bleed in you wrist, you could be slowly drowning in your own blood and there are wounds on your hips that go down to the bone which means you could die from an infection! Hell Esmee it will be a damn miracle if you don‘t die right now and I do not what you to die in my arms! You are what 14 years old?"
“16!” I spluttered sneezing causing blood to pore out the end of my nose and mouth making the world spin around me a little more.
“Well I am 19 OK a whole three years older then you and I am sure as hell too young to die so by default that makes you too young to die OK” Emmet shouted in a panic before throwing my arm up into the air as the blood pumped through his make shift bandage and the cracks in his fingers. His breath was shallow and his face had become red in his panic. He seemed generally scared for me and I had no idea why. I was nothing to him just a poor little freak he found bleeding on the streets and I he was nothing to me yet with my last ounce of strength to fight I tried to comfort him.
“Emmet I have felt like I am dead inside for so long. Hell I am such an emotional freak now that I can’t even cry. So dying is not the worst thing Emmet, for me dying is good. For me it means an end to the hurting.”
“You can not die Esmee OK! You just can’t! Emmet snapped.
“Why?” I shouted Exasperated
“Esmee do you believe in love at first sight?” Emmet asked he voice suddenly less shaky and a lot more passionate as he once again spinned my body so he could look into my eyes and I could look into his.
His eyes where blue and sparkling and deep as the ocean and they did something amazing they made mine fill with tears and my bottom lip quiver they made me cry and hell I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry so badly.
“Why?” I stuttered a single tear falling down over my cheek. “What has that got to do with me dying here.”
“Everything! Because I never did OK. because I thought the whole idea was stupid and irrational and something designed to sell Hollywood movies but then I came across you sitting in the street and I see your face and those beautiful black eyes and all that changes in an instant because I do believe in it now. I believe in it because I have set my eyes on you and I love you Esmee! I love every damn part of you so that is why you are not aloud to die because I just know you are the half that will make me whole and with out you I never will be!”
Sunday, 6 February 2011
Different arms ,Esmee's confession, tough love, Another confession (Mi's side) Trigger warning
Sorry i promised tio stop writing for a while because of my mood affecting the story but i just can't stop. When i am like this i want to write all the time even if i am producing rubbish. It's kind of like my therapy.
So if this is terrable and not up to standered please let me know. I can't judge very well right now.
There is triggering and graphic content in the next few updates, please as always be safe.
Different arms
“I am sorry.” I mumbled rubbing my hands roughly over my tear streaked face trying to remove the Incriminating evidence that I had been crying yet again, that I wasn’t hard as stone. That I was broken.
“Why?” Esmee asked pulling my body up closer to her like Emmet had me before. They where obviously getting to know me too well. They new that I was still hurting and I was no longer a good enough actress to hide it from them.
“Because I am a wimp. I mean look at me Esmee I have been crying into your husbands chest for god knows how long.” I shouted exasperated burying my face into my hands breathing deeply trying to get my self back under control again. What the hell was wrong with me?
“Every one cry’s sometimes Mi. Hell the number of times I have cried into his chest he is used to it by now.” Esmee smiled stroking my hair behind my ears and looking into my eyes with hers. I swallowed hard Twisting the fingers on my plastered hand.
“Can’t I have a hug as well then Mi or are they all reserved for Mrs Haberdasher over here today.” Esmee smiled opening her arms and dragging me into wards her where my tears spilled over the edges again. Where the hurt tried to seap away.
Esmee’s Confession
“I have to go now Ok Mi but I am going to leave you with Esmee and I am going to get someone Else to come in as well. I will make sure I come and say goodbye before I go home OK, I am back tomorrow afternoon and Esmee is starting on nights from tomorrow night.” Emmet said gently gripping my shoulder.
“Thanks Emmet.” I whispered as he swiped his card key in the door and walked out into the corridor leaving me wrapped in the arms of Esmee.
“So what happened then?” Esmee asked soothingly as she gently pulled her fingers through my hair while I silently wept into her shoulder. “All these tears, I have seen you cry before of course but these seam sadder somehow. More desperate. Can’t you tell me what happened Mi.”
“I.. I should be stronger then this.” I sniffed breathing in the scent of Esmee’s strawberry hair. While I twirled the end of one of her curls absent mindedly around my finger.
“Mi the things that bring one person to there knees in pain will make another stand up and fight. There are no simple fears, Mi. If something hurts you and it makes you want to cry. If something brings you to your knees screaming out Mi you should not be stronger then it but you should let someone know what it is because then they can help bring you back to your feet. They can fight the pain that you can not.” Esmee soothed pulling me closer to her so I was sitting in her lap like I was with Emmet and in that movement the sleeve of her blouse became unbuttoned revealing the raised purple and white scars underneath.
Gently I brushed my fingers over the raised purple scars and sighed. These scars did not belong on her arms they where the sign of self hatred and cruelty. Every muscle pulled in my body and I whimpered as I imagined Esmee dragging the edge of razor blade back across her own skin. As I imagined the panic in her breathing and the tears on her checks as she fumbled to try and release the blade from the inside of it’s safety razor. As she sinked to her last resort to ease her pain.
“Shhh, it’s Ok.” Esmee soothed again holding me a little tighter against her shoulder as she felt the tightening of my muscles and I whimpered more curling my fingers as tight as they would go into the fabric of her blouse. The pain in just the vision in my head was enough to make me never want to let her go.
“Esmee tell me to fuck off if you want to but I have to ask.” I said realising my grip on Esmee. “ What did it make you feel like when you did this to your skin? I asked softly tracing my hand over the scars on her arms that where still on show.
“Cutting was like breathing again. It was like I was drowning and the blade across my skin was coming up for air.” Esmee said softly placing her hand on top of my had that was smoothing across her scars. She seemed indifferent about the feeling now. Like it was far away, it was like she was hiding.
“I know that feeling.” I sighed reaching up and pulling down her sleeve back over her scars and doing the button up for her. “Are you ashamed of them? You always have them covered.” I observed
“I’m not ashamed. I cover them when I at work one because I am told two just like Doctor Jordan is told to cover his and two because like I did to you just yesterday when you where sat in that freezing shower I triggered you into wanting to hurt your self and I never ever want to be responsible for doing that, However, when I am With Emmet and out in town with my friends I wear short sleeves like any one else. These scars are not a bad thing Mi. These scars made me who I am today.
“So you don’t regret cutting your self Esmee? “
“Now Mi here is where I contradict my self but both statements are true in their own way, I am not making it up.” Esmee sighed before bending down and kissing me on the for head and smiling.
“I will never regret anything more in my entire life then the first time I took a razor to my skin.” Esmee said softly holding me a little tighter, this time for her benefit and not mine.
Tough love
“I wish I never started either.” I admitted softly pulling at a lose thread from the plaster cast on my wrist that Esmee had put on the night before.
“I…”
“Mi? You can tell me anything Ok honey. You can trust me. You know that.”
“Will you laugh at me?” I mumbled
“Oh honey.” Esmee said sounding slightly hurt before sighing and once again tightening the grip around my body. “Anything that could hurt you like this couldn’t possibly be funny.” Esmee said into my hair as she sub consciously rocked the top half of my body like she would if she was trying to rock her daughter back to sleep after a nightmare.
“It seems stupid I haven’t never really talked about it before either and, oh forget it.” I said pulling my body away from Esmee’s defeated from the internal battle with my self.
“Talk to me. Please.” Esmee almost begged crossing the distance across the floor to me again the sent of her strawberry shampoo following her.
“I started my period this morning Esmee.” I sighed to my self waiting for the laughter in her voice to brake me apart. It seemed even more stupid aloud then what it did in my head. Hell most females had a period every month and didn’t go all psychotic in the process.
“I see, that’s really hard. I wish you could of just told us both sooner though. You know like before we thought you had had a psychotic break and threw up over my hands while nearly chocking you self in the process.” Esmee smiled.
“It means I’m fat.” I groaned punching at my stomach making Esmee cross back to me in a flash grabbing both of my wrists in her hands and holding them down to my knees. I sighed exasperated pulling my hands Into tight fists even though even after all this time the one of them was considerably weaker then the other. I growled again even more frustrated.
“Come on, I wasn’t done with my hug yet Miss Dorado.” Esmee said letting go of my hands and tapping her lap for me to come and curl back up on it.
“I want to hurt my self Esmee. I said breathing uneasy. I want to punch every inch of unsightly fat on my body and…” I stopped the breath coming faster in my chest, “and I am starting to drown Esmee.”
“That is why Mi I need to you crawl over here now and sit in my lap and let me hold you tight while I do some breathing exercises with you."
“It. Won’t. work.” I growled as my body slipped further under the waves in my head and I started to fight for my breath. I needed the water surface, I needed to breath again and I new how to find it if only Esmee would let me get to it.
“Mi, how do you think I stopped? Do you think one day I just woke up and didn’t feel like I was drowning any more. Do you think I got better all by my self one day Mi, because I didn’t Ok. I plunged my hands into bowls of ice, I snapped elastic bands against my wrists, I dyed my skin with food colouring and I went cold turkey. I cried for Hours into Emmet’s chest and Emmet watched completely powerless as I spent hours shaking and shivering clutching onto a washing up bowl where I was sick over and over again because I needed to cut, because I was drowning under the waves in my head. Now Mi get your ass over here into my arms and try!
Another confession
My body shook as I crawled unsteadily across the floor towards Esmee’s arms and she bundled me up in to them.
“Now Mi I need you to take deep breaths with me OK.” Esmee said her voice smoother and less harsh now.
“I…I…I can’t.”
“Yes you can. Now breath in through your nose with me and then breath out through your mouth as well ok.” Esmee soothed in almost a singing voce as she breathed with me and she rocked me rhythmically back and forth in her arms like I was an overgrown two year old.
I tried hard, I really did but every breath got caught in my mouth and my hands shook uncontrollably. I kicked with all my might towards the surface of the water that was drowning me but there was no let up, there was no brake. I was going to drown.
“This is stupid!” I growled at my self between my teeth before punching at my stomach again before Esmee could make a grab for my arms. To stop me.
“I can’t OK! I can’t fight and I can’t breath! I am not like you Esmee I am not strong!”
“Mi!" Esmee shouted to try and get over the top of my panicing "Mi, When I first got my period back after two years of weighing less then you do now and being force fed through a series or drips and NG tubes I went insane. I pulled my NG tube out rupturing my oesophagus in four different places. I kicked one male staff nurse in the crotch and I broke a female nursing assistance nose before stealing their keys skipping the hospital and cutting my arms so badly I needed a full blood transfusion and over one hundred stitches. So what do you think Mi. Do you think I felt strong back then? Or do you think maybe like everything in life. I learnt to be strong?"
So if this is terrable and not up to standered please let me know. I can't judge very well right now.
There is triggering and graphic content in the next few updates, please as always be safe.
Different arms
“I am sorry.” I mumbled rubbing my hands roughly over my tear streaked face trying to remove the Incriminating evidence that I had been crying yet again, that I wasn’t hard as stone. That I was broken.
“Why?” Esmee asked pulling my body up closer to her like Emmet had me before. They where obviously getting to know me too well. They new that I was still hurting and I was no longer a good enough actress to hide it from them.
“Because I am a wimp. I mean look at me Esmee I have been crying into your husbands chest for god knows how long.” I shouted exasperated burying my face into my hands breathing deeply trying to get my self back under control again. What the hell was wrong with me?
“Every one cry’s sometimes Mi. Hell the number of times I have cried into his chest he is used to it by now.” Esmee smiled stroking my hair behind my ears and looking into my eyes with hers. I swallowed hard Twisting the fingers on my plastered hand.
“Can’t I have a hug as well then Mi or are they all reserved for Mrs Haberdasher over here today.” Esmee smiled opening her arms and dragging me into wards her where my tears spilled over the edges again. Where the hurt tried to seap away.
Esmee’s Confession
“I have to go now Ok Mi but I am going to leave you with Esmee and I am going to get someone Else to come in as well. I will make sure I come and say goodbye before I go home OK, I am back tomorrow afternoon and Esmee is starting on nights from tomorrow night.” Emmet said gently gripping my shoulder.
“Thanks Emmet.” I whispered as he swiped his card key in the door and walked out into the corridor leaving me wrapped in the arms of Esmee.
“So what happened then?” Esmee asked soothingly as she gently pulled her fingers through my hair while I silently wept into her shoulder. “All these tears, I have seen you cry before of course but these seam sadder somehow. More desperate. Can’t you tell me what happened Mi.”
“I.. I should be stronger then this.” I sniffed breathing in the scent of Esmee’s strawberry hair. While I twirled the end of one of her curls absent mindedly around my finger.
“Mi the things that bring one person to there knees in pain will make another stand up and fight. There are no simple fears, Mi. If something hurts you and it makes you want to cry. If something brings you to your knees screaming out Mi you should not be stronger then it but you should let someone know what it is because then they can help bring you back to your feet. They can fight the pain that you can not.” Esmee soothed pulling me closer to her so I was sitting in her lap like I was with Emmet and in that movement the sleeve of her blouse became unbuttoned revealing the raised purple and white scars underneath.
Gently I brushed my fingers over the raised purple scars and sighed. These scars did not belong on her arms they where the sign of self hatred and cruelty. Every muscle pulled in my body and I whimpered as I imagined Esmee dragging the edge of razor blade back across her own skin. As I imagined the panic in her breathing and the tears on her checks as she fumbled to try and release the blade from the inside of it’s safety razor. As she sinked to her last resort to ease her pain.
“Shhh, it’s Ok.” Esmee soothed again holding me a little tighter against her shoulder as she felt the tightening of my muscles and I whimpered more curling my fingers as tight as they would go into the fabric of her blouse. The pain in just the vision in my head was enough to make me never want to let her go.
“Esmee tell me to fuck off if you want to but I have to ask.” I said realising my grip on Esmee. “ What did it make you feel like when you did this to your skin? I asked softly tracing my hand over the scars on her arms that where still on show.
“Cutting was like breathing again. It was like I was drowning and the blade across my skin was coming up for air.” Esmee said softly placing her hand on top of my had that was smoothing across her scars. She seemed indifferent about the feeling now. Like it was far away, it was like she was hiding.
“I know that feeling.” I sighed reaching up and pulling down her sleeve back over her scars and doing the button up for her. “Are you ashamed of them? You always have them covered.” I observed
“I’m not ashamed. I cover them when I at work one because I am told two just like Doctor Jordan is told to cover his and two because like I did to you just yesterday when you where sat in that freezing shower I triggered you into wanting to hurt your self and I never ever want to be responsible for doing that, However, when I am With Emmet and out in town with my friends I wear short sleeves like any one else. These scars are not a bad thing Mi. These scars made me who I am today.
“So you don’t regret cutting your self Esmee? “
“Now Mi here is where I contradict my self but both statements are true in their own way, I am not making it up.” Esmee sighed before bending down and kissing me on the for head and smiling.
“I will never regret anything more in my entire life then the first time I took a razor to my skin.” Esmee said softly holding me a little tighter, this time for her benefit and not mine.
Tough love
“I wish I never started either.” I admitted softly pulling at a lose thread from the plaster cast on my wrist that Esmee had put on the night before.
“I…”
“Mi? You can tell me anything Ok honey. You can trust me. You know that.”
“Will you laugh at me?” I mumbled
“Oh honey.” Esmee said sounding slightly hurt before sighing and once again tightening the grip around my body. “Anything that could hurt you like this couldn’t possibly be funny.” Esmee said into my hair as she sub consciously rocked the top half of my body like she would if she was trying to rock her daughter back to sleep after a nightmare.
“It seems stupid I haven’t never really talked about it before either and, oh forget it.” I said pulling my body away from Esmee’s defeated from the internal battle with my self.
“Talk to me. Please.” Esmee almost begged crossing the distance across the floor to me again the sent of her strawberry shampoo following her.
“I started my period this morning Esmee.” I sighed to my self waiting for the laughter in her voice to brake me apart. It seemed even more stupid aloud then what it did in my head. Hell most females had a period every month and didn’t go all psychotic in the process.
“I see, that’s really hard. I wish you could of just told us both sooner though. You know like before we thought you had had a psychotic break and threw up over my hands while nearly chocking you self in the process.” Esmee smiled.
“It means I’m fat.” I groaned punching at my stomach making Esmee cross back to me in a flash grabbing both of my wrists in her hands and holding them down to my knees. I sighed exasperated pulling my hands Into tight fists even though even after all this time the one of them was considerably weaker then the other. I growled again even more frustrated.
“Come on, I wasn’t done with my hug yet Miss Dorado.” Esmee said letting go of my hands and tapping her lap for me to come and curl back up on it.
“I want to hurt my self Esmee. I said breathing uneasy. I want to punch every inch of unsightly fat on my body and…” I stopped the breath coming faster in my chest, “and I am starting to drown Esmee.”
“That is why Mi I need to you crawl over here now and sit in my lap and let me hold you tight while I do some breathing exercises with you."
“It. Won’t. work.” I growled as my body slipped further under the waves in my head and I started to fight for my breath. I needed the water surface, I needed to breath again and I new how to find it if only Esmee would let me get to it.
“Mi, how do you think I stopped? Do you think one day I just woke up and didn’t feel like I was drowning any more. Do you think I got better all by my self one day Mi, because I didn’t Ok. I plunged my hands into bowls of ice, I snapped elastic bands against my wrists, I dyed my skin with food colouring and I went cold turkey. I cried for Hours into Emmet’s chest and Emmet watched completely powerless as I spent hours shaking and shivering clutching onto a washing up bowl where I was sick over and over again because I needed to cut, because I was drowning under the waves in my head. Now Mi get your ass over here into my arms and try!
Another confession
My body shook as I crawled unsteadily across the floor towards Esmee’s arms and she bundled me up in to them.
“Now Mi I need you to take deep breaths with me OK.” Esmee said her voice smoother and less harsh now.
“I…I…I can’t.”
“Yes you can. Now breath in through your nose with me and then breath out through your mouth as well ok.” Esmee soothed in almost a singing voce as she breathed with me and she rocked me rhythmically back and forth in her arms like I was an overgrown two year old.
I tried hard, I really did but every breath got caught in my mouth and my hands shook uncontrollably. I kicked with all my might towards the surface of the water that was drowning me but there was no let up, there was no brake. I was going to drown.
“This is stupid!” I growled at my self between my teeth before punching at my stomach again before Esmee could make a grab for my arms. To stop me.
“I can’t OK! I can’t fight and I can’t breath! I am not like you Esmee I am not strong!”
“Mi!" Esmee shouted to try and get over the top of my panicing "Mi, When I first got my period back after two years of weighing less then you do now and being force fed through a series or drips and NG tubes I went insane. I pulled my NG tube out rupturing my oesophagus in four different places. I kicked one male staff nurse in the crotch and I broke a female nursing assistance nose before stealing their keys skipping the hospital and cutting my arms so badly I needed a full blood transfusion and over one hundred stitches. So what do you think Mi. Do you think I felt strong back then? Or do you think maybe like everything in life. I learnt to be strong?"
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