Puddle to sedate, Life in a movie, The real monster in sophie, the fight for my soul. (Mi's side of the story)

Once again i appologize about the strang lay out. My blopg hates me :-(




Puddle to sedate.


It took me a while to do what Sophie asked of me. It had been a long time since I had made my self sick at all let alone made my self sick with out the aide of being bent over and forcing my finger back my throat however it was also like riding a bike and it took a mater of minutes before the vomit was gushing up my throat and out of my mouth down over my top and Esmee’s restraining hands and clogging my wind pipe as well so I started chocking.

“Ok…Ok.” Esmee said letting go of my restraint and leaning my body forward So I could vomited more cloudy liquid and bile onto the floor in front of me where it splattered up my trouser legs. The tears also dripped off of my nose to splash onto the floor as well but the panic had stopped now and Sophie seemed more sedated now that the calories where out of me and on to the floor In a puddle of bile and calorie boasting drink.  


Life in a movie
Things became fuzzy very quickly after I threw up another time onto the floor. Esmee and Emmet where talking to me gently and I could feel Esmee’s gentle hands rubbing up and down on my back but they seemed to be less intense then usual. Less passionte.

My whole world seemed to collapsed into a slow motion dream sequence like you saw on crappy medical dramas when you saw a doctor pumping on an uncharacteristically beautiful girls chest and she had floated up to the ceiling out of her own body to watch it all happen. To see her own Strangly romantic picture of her death. Where was the vomit and the blood? the sweet and the tears? The sickning snaps as the doctor brok every on her her ribs?

I tried to blink my eyes out of staring onto the floor but they seemed to react in the same slow motion and the tears that dripped out of them eolled to the ground bellow me like gracefull danchers  before they landed and bang seemed to echo around the whole room liek thunder.

Then I looked up much to slowly then I would of liked and I saw her dancing around like a pixie or fairy over the other side of the room, jumping up and down betwwen the floor and the white surfaces.


The real monster in Sophie
I of course new realistically that I was hallucinating but on there other hand every tiny bit of this perfect slim ebony haired girl tried to make me think that she was really there. She was to solid to be something that my brain could make up but I also new Sophie belonged only to me and my head alone.

I had seen tiny bits of Sophie before but she was always hazy, always foggy round the edges like she new as well as I did that she didn’t really belong to this world but here she was real. Like she had broken through the barrier of reality it's self to clame me. Every detail precise, right up to the way her chest rose and fell as she breathed and the microscopic hairs on her arms.

Sophie was stunning to behold like this it seemed almost to impossible that my brain could make up such a beauty. Her hair was the darkest Ebony black that hanged straight and shiny mid way down to her back. Her conplection was tanned a sun kissed golden the made her skin almost look like it glowed and her face was just stunning. Her eyes a smouldering hazel. Her nose just the right size to hang over her plump perfect lips however even though she had all of this it was her body that was what stunned me the most. It was more perfect then I thought any body could be. She was so thin there where no lumps, no bumps no flaws at all. Just amazing perfection. The vishion of beauty not even a glossy mag could manage with hours of air brushing.

“I can make you like this Mia. I can give you all this. I can make you so stunning. I can make you pretty. I can make you perfect”  Sophie cooed as she twisted her body around to some music that was inaudible to me jumping from the counters to the ground showing every perfect inch of her perfection.

“but I am never good enough for you Sophie.” I sighed

“That’s because you are still so fucking fat you bitch!”  Sophie snapped back her face suddenly less pretty, now angry,  Furious


“You are fat Mia! you are Ugly and you are stupid who could ever want you who could ever love you?” 

 Sophie roared her face contorting and turning red in her rage and like that Sophie changed in front of my eyes her body twisting and bubbling and contorting into something different, something evil, something dark and terrifying and they only thing I could do was open my mouth and scream and scream and scream.


The fight for my soul
 “Mi, Mi! Look at me baby! Look at me! It’s me It’s Esmee. What’s the matter? where is it hurting? What can I do? Mi please talk to me!”

Esmee was the first face I saw interrupt the monster in front of my eyes and she was screaming almost as loud as me her face streaked wither her own panicked tears and more fell out of her eyes as she shouted.

Esmee like before had come to save me. Come to protect me come as the light to brake through the darkness that unfolded and twisted all around me. Come to protect everything I was and everything I could be. She was my angel

“Esmee!” I yelled suddenly able to find the power of speech again “Oh my god Esmee!” I shouted again launching my self forward and wrapping my arms around her as tight as they would and screwing my hands up into the fabric of her long sleeve blouse and into the skin underneath before burying my face into her chest like some small five year old.
“Esmee I’m scared!” I wailed my tears coming hard and fast vibrating through my whole body before making there escape through my mouth and eyes.

“It all right Honey. I got you, your Ok. I’m here and your safe. No one can hurt you. We wont let any one or anything hurt you.” Esmee soothed holding me tighter into her and rocking me side to side rethmicly in her arms like she was trying to sooth a baby, and in a way I suppose that was what I was right then. I was as terrified as any baby, absolutely petrified at what I had witnessed and I was hurting to. Like something had reached into my chest and dragged out my heart and there was nothing but the emptiness. A void like a black hole that could suck in the stars and they sky and my entire world and I new I had to keep holding on to the only thing that couldn’t be budged by the blackness and the hatred and that was Esmee.

Esmee was everything that the black hole wasn’t. Esmee was everythying that i always thought Sophie was to me. She was sweetness and warmth and light. She was kindness and she was hope and joy and comfort and I new at that moment she was fighting Sophie for my Liberty. She was fighting for my very soul.

Laptop is back and ready to go

As Promised there will be a stream of new updates now my laptop is feeling all shinny and new again.
I hope you all like i am not really sure about the above chapters? What do you think? to wiered?

laptop trouble.

I am sorry i now have laptop trouble. I knocked one of the keys off of the keybord and aparantly it is going to take them to the 20th december to repair the bloody thing. I am really not happy. I adore my laptop. Any way seemes my laptop is where i write andf save my story there is going to be a considarable drop in the updates to my storys. Saying that i hope to still do a few.

I do hope every one stays intrested over this time and i will start writng as soonn as i can.
Thank you.

Sophie's instructions. (Mi's side)

Sophie’s instructions.
“Mia how exactly do you think crying is going to help! They don’t care if you cry they just want to make you fat fight them off don’t let them do it to you!”
No No No.” I shouted wriggling my body so hard up against Esmee’s arms that I thought my ribs might actually crack under the pressure as Esmee tightened her grip on me and braced her my back closer up against her body. I thrashed out my legs trying to kick Emmet in the crouch which he elegantly ducked and carried on syringing the cloudy liqued down the tube in my nose.

“I don’t fucking want it!” I yelled violently trying to shake my head away from him but Esmee some how had managed to stop me from moving my head as well.

“I don’t want it! I don’t want it.” I screamed again so loudly the nose became raspy in the back of my throat and it felt so sore it felt like there was someone in there with glass slashing at it. “I don’t want it!” I sobbed struggling once more before coming to rest in her arms again, the huge tear drops splattered on my red face along with the snot and the dribble. I looked like a three year old having a tantrum or a three year old that had just fell off of her bike and everything hurt them. The problem was the desperation and the pain was the same I needed them to stop like the three year old needed the new doll and I hurt like I had just fallen off of my bike and grazed all of my knees.

“Shhhh, Shhhh. It Ok it all right honey it will be over soon. Just focus on my voice and take deep breaths.” Esmee soothed into my ear trying to calm me down trying to make the pain go away and I wanted to listen I wanted to stop fighting but I told Sophie that I would do anything and I meant it. I had to stop them making me fat.
“Mia every minute you rest they are making you fatter you cow! Do you want to get even fatter! No one will love you when you are fat Mia! Try harder much, much, much harder.”

I struggled again not wanting to let down Sophie not wanting her to leave me but once again I failed to get away from Esmee and Emmet they where just to strong for me.

“There to strong!” I wailed out loud to Sophie before I could stop it. I was tired and terrified and I didn’t know what else I could do.
“Mia you are a bad person, you should be able to fight them away if you really wanted to be thin you would but if you are to week to be thin think of the other way. That tube goes into your stomach idiot, puke it up. Go on do it now right over both of them that will teach them top try and make you fat! Or are you to scared fat little piggy. Do you like being so fat! Do you like being so ugly!”

just a question

Hi there

On RYL when i was writing this i always tried to edit out numbers and tips and things when thgey where written in the story vecause it was against the rules. On this site however i have  not been doing so mostly becasue there is no rule saying that i have to. What i was thinking though was if people wanted me to i could start doing that again any how if people whould like such a thing to make it less trigering to read or somthing like that. Any way let me know your feeling on this.

Thanks Vikki

Conversations with Sophie (Mi's side)

I do not have an eating disorder so i can not pretend i know anything about it but i would imagine that this chapter will be very very triggering and upseting to any one that has. please me EXTRA safe with your self befor reading this.
thank you.



Conversations with Sophie

“I told you this would happen Mia. I told you! You stopped listening to me and now look! Look at your body look at that fat! I told you I would make you thin but you gave in! So tell me how it feels! Tell me how it feels to me so fat.”

“ not good.”


“You bought this on your self of course Mia. You ate all that food. I told you what you could eat! I told you how many calories you could have and you didn’t listen to me! I told you no more then 250 a day but you throw that in my face and you ate! You ate you fat ugly cow!"

“Sophie, I am sorry.”


“I was your only friend Mia, I told you that. I was the only one you could trust. I was going to make you thin and beautiful and perfect. I was going to make people love you again but who could love you now who could love all that fat?"

“What about Emmet and Esmee?”


“Don’t make me laugh! You think they really care about you? They don’t care about you Mia. Look what they have done to you! They are the ones that have made you this fat! They are the ones the undone all are hard work. You would of made it with me. We would of got there, now look at you. You fat little piggy. I should leave you and then you would be alone, then you would have no one!”

“Sophie no I am really sorry. Please don’t leave me! I will try harder! I will do whatever you want me to do!”


“Well there is no use crying now you stupid fat cow! You are the one that did all the damage. You are the one that let them feed you! You are the one that opened that fat little gob of yours and swallowed all of that stuff! I told you not to I told you to throw it up but you never listened to me and now you are fat! I should let you get even bigger !”

“No! No! I will never not listen to you again Sophie. I will do anything you want me to do just help me get thin! Help me please! Don’t leave me I will do anything you want me to do.”


“Including Emmet and Esmee? Will you betray them for me? I can’t help you when they are there Mia. It is me or them. Will you hurt them Mia. What will you do to be thin? There can’t be any one else Mia. I am your only friend in the world you can’t trust any one but me to help you.”

“I will hurt them! I will do anything. They are nothing compared to you. You are my only friend. You are the only one I can trust.”


“Good girl Mia. I will help you I will make you perfect and pretty and I will make you thin you fat cow.”

“Thank you.”


“Well you better way sort your self out . Lets make this the last period you have. I will make you thin starting now. No breakfast for the fat piggy. Do what ever you can but not one calorie must pass your lips. Not for a long time. I will tell you when you can eat again. You must remember Mia no food taste as good as thin feels.”

“I know. I won’t lat you down again.”

Oh great i was wrong, thing so change (Mi's side)

Oh great I was wrong, things do change

I think this chapter is OK but it could be considered graphic so as always safty first please.

Still angry at what I saw I turned around and grabbed my forever growing toiletry bag from the side of my room and walked out the door into the corridor. “Morning Mi” I stopped and span round looking up the corridor into the nurses station and smiled. These where the two voices that I had come to want to here in the morning. Every time they weren’t there I hated it. The trouble was I hated feeling like that. I should not feel that attached to two nurses.

“Emmet, Esmee.” I mumbled just loud enough so they could here me before putting my head down and heading up the corridor into the bathroom.”

“Are you feeling OK Mi?.” Esmee asked

“I’m OK.” I nodded pausing before I went into the bathroom.

“Do you want him or me for breakfast?” Esmee asked again lightly punching Emmet playfully on the side of his arm and unleashing the devastating power of one of her smiles on me so I had no choice other then to smile back at her.

“Like I care.” I said suppressing a laugh before closing the bathroom door behind me and locking the door.

Throwing my toiletry bag down next to the toilet I checked the lock a further two times before using the toilet Of course that was when It happened. When normality had to be shattered into a thousand pieces. There in my underwear and in the toilet bowl was something I had not seen in a long time. Something I never really wanted to see again. They would say this was a good moment but of course I new better. This was a sign that the feeding tube and all the Damn Ensure was doing what they had all wanted it to do. I had lost the controle I had lost the battle. They had made me fat. The red sticky blood that was soaked into my underwear proved that.