Still very triggering so please still take care
Language!
“Emmet. I am glad that you come!” I heard my mother shout as I heard the front door open again. The policy of no knocking applied to him too. My mother saw Emmet as the son she could never have, a cherished, love son.
I had started to become woozy now and my cutting slowed to a more controlled pace. Both upper legs had been covered in the angry cuts and the tiny drips that had dripped to the floor had long since turned to bigger more impressive puddles.
“Esmee, let me in!” Emmet roared from outside the door bashing his wrists so hard against the wood I thought he might of managed to put his arm right though. I sat still not daring to move. This felt familiar too looked in this bathroom when the predator lurked out side the door pacing, just waiting until I tried to make my escape and the fear was almost paralyzing.
“This Is Emmet, This is Emmet, This is Emmet, this is Emmet.” I stuttered under my breath over and over again trying to convince my brain that there was nothing to fear. He may of found me silly and irritating but he was still himself and there was no way that mad would hurt me.
“Esmee!” He yelled again almost rattling the door off of its hinges “Esmee are you OK? What have you done?” He yelled his voice panicked. I new I should of answered but I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to do all of this all over again I hated the pain it caused and it should never of come to this anyway. If I hadn’t become so absorbed by my cutting I could have done it all ready. If I had just headed straight for the femoral artery I would have probably been dead by now; Or at least past the point of any return.
“Esmee I swear to god I will brake this fucking door down.” Emmet shouted growling somewhere in the back of his throat.
“Emmet! Language!” my mother yelled stunned,
“Just fuck off the lot of you!” I yelled back pulling at my hair in frustration why wouldn’t they leave me alone?
“Esmee! Language!” My mother shouted again exasperated. Then with out warning the door creaked and the lock snapped as Emmet came bulldozing through the door shoulder first ploughing into the sink opposite him before undeterred by the fact he had just broke down my mothers door he turned his attention to me.
Friday, 29 April 2011
(Esmee) Invincible (Mi's side)
You all know the drill by now! This is highly triggering and highly graphic so please me safe when reading
Invincible
At that moment I new exactly what to do. I would cut. There was no point in even attempting to fight the urge because there really wasn’t an urge to fight. It was just there. No longer something I could do but something I was going to do no matter what happened and my head or heart made no protest.
Gripping on tightly to the sink I pulled my self to my feet and turned to the bathroom storage cupboard. I new it had a lock but I learnt how to brake into it ages ago however as expected the lock wasn‘t in use these days any way. There had been no need to lock it after I moved out of the house.
As expected there where at least four fresh unopened blades in the packaging. They where not the usual safety razors but the deadly sharp ones with no plastic protection around them, dad preferred these; so did I.”
Carefully I unwrapped the blade from the paper wrapping and sank back down to the floor. I seemed more cantered now I was in control of my decent into nothingness and I aloud my self a few moments to feel the longing need for the blood to overtake me until I shock with my anticipation of it. The longer I waited, the more pain I felt. The bigger the relief would be when the blade finally was aloud to eat my skin.
I chose my upper legs as the place to cut and breathing hard through the pain of waiting I unbuckled my belt popped open the button on my jeans and shimmied out of them throwing them to one side before resting both my legs flat out in front of me on the cold white tiled floor so I could breathily study them.
I found a “safe” Place away from any main blood supplies and started to cut. Eventually I would aim for the femoral artery when I had had enough “fun” but first of all I just wanted to enjoy the bleeding and all the euphoria that came with it.
I cut superficial but frenzied making gash after gash all over the top of my left leg breathing heavily with a smile on my face as I watched the little droplets run off of my leg at sped and land in perfect little specks on the white tiles underneath. There was something brilliant about the bright red splotches covering the white floor pure floor cold tiles underneath I had never worked put what but witnessing them again made me realise why I always like this bathroom as my “cutting spot”
Emmet, Eemm… yeah it’s Liz. I have Esmee with me; she is locked her self in my bathroom and she is really upset. I don’t know what’s got into her but she says you split up. You have to come and sort this out.” There was a gap in the talking on the phone where Emmet set about blowing my cover. “Hurt her self? She wouldn’t do… She would! I thought she stopped; yes come, come.” My mum shouted on the end of the phone to Emmet. This would of normally made things feel better but now it made them worse and as the only reaction I could think of I picked up the pace of the cutting on my legs. If I could keep cutting I would be OK when I was cutting I was invincible.
Invincible
At that moment I new exactly what to do. I would cut. There was no point in even attempting to fight the urge because there really wasn’t an urge to fight. It was just there. No longer something I could do but something I was going to do no matter what happened and my head or heart made no protest.
Gripping on tightly to the sink I pulled my self to my feet and turned to the bathroom storage cupboard. I new it had a lock but I learnt how to brake into it ages ago however as expected the lock wasn‘t in use these days any way. There had been no need to lock it after I moved out of the house.
As expected there where at least four fresh unopened blades in the packaging. They where not the usual safety razors but the deadly sharp ones with no plastic protection around them, dad preferred these; so did I.”
Carefully I unwrapped the blade from the paper wrapping and sank back down to the floor. I seemed more cantered now I was in control of my decent into nothingness and I aloud my self a few moments to feel the longing need for the blood to overtake me until I shock with my anticipation of it. The longer I waited, the more pain I felt. The bigger the relief would be when the blade finally was aloud to eat my skin.
I chose my upper legs as the place to cut and breathing hard through the pain of waiting I unbuckled my belt popped open the button on my jeans and shimmied out of them throwing them to one side before resting both my legs flat out in front of me on the cold white tiled floor so I could breathily study them.
I found a “safe” Place away from any main blood supplies and started to cut. Eventually I would aim for the femoral artery when I had had enough “fun” but first of all I just wanted to enjoy the bleeding and all the euphoria that came with it.
I cut superficial but frenzied making gash after gash all over the top of my left leg breathing heavily with a smile on my face as I watched the little droplets run off of my leg at sped and land in perfect little specks on the white tiles underneath. There was something brilliant about the bright red splotches covering the white floor pure floor cold tiles underneath I had never worked put what but witnessing them again made me realise why I always like this bathroom as my “cutting spot”
Emmet, Eemm… yeah it’s Liz. I have Esmee with me; she is locked her self in my bathroom and she is really upset. I don’t know what’s got into her but she says you split up. You have to come and sort this out.” There was a gap in the talking on the phone where Emmet set about blowing my cover. “Hurt her self? She wouldn’t do… She would! I thought she stopped; yes come, come.” My mum shouted on the end of the phone to Emmet. This would of normally made things feel better but now it made them worse and as the only reaction I could think of I picked up the pace of the cutting on my legs. If I could keep cutting I would be OK when I was cutting I was invincible.
(Esmee) my skin (Mi's side)
Possabel trigger
My skin
Feeling like someone had just kicked me in the abdomen over and over again I collapsed to the floor curling my self into the foetal position. My whole body shook with my angry sobbing as I screamed at the top of my voice scratching at the groves in the bathroom’s tiled floor until I felt my fingernails brake and bleed.
“Esmee! Esmee honey!” My mother yelled from outside rattling the door “Esmee what are you doing in there!”
“Go away!” I yelled almost laughing realising how similar the whole seen was turning out. I had done this before, we both had. When I was a teenager I used to spend half my time on this bathroom floor screaming while using my dads razor blades to cut into my skin…My dads razor blades… my skin.
My skin
Feeling like someone had just kicked me in the abdomen over and over again I collapsed to the floor curling my self into the foetal position. My whole body shook with my angry sobbing as I screamed at the top of my voice scratching at the groves in the bathroom’s tiled floor until I felt my fingernails brake and bleed.
“Esmee! Esmee honey!” My mother yelled from outside rattling the door “Esmee what are you doing in there!”
“Go away!” I yelled almost laughing realising how similar the whole seen was turning out. I had done this before, we both had. When I was a teenager I used to spend half my time on this bathroom floor screaming while using my dads razor blades to cut into my skin…My dads razor blades… my skin.
(Esmee) my end of days (Mi's side)
My end of days
My whole body went limp as my mothers words hit my body like someone had come with a big vacuum cleaner and sucked all of the energy out of me.
“I know mum, I know. I have always been a silly girl haven’t I?” I said meekly forcing my face to smile at her. “I am sorry that I’m so stupid. I am sorry about so much, I’m sorry… So sorry.” I moaned pushing past my mother further into the house and on up the stairs to the first floor.
“Esmee where are you going? Are you OK?”
“I am fine mum. I just have to use your loo if that is OK.” I whispered the tears taking over me again as I picked up the pace so Id tacking the rest of the stars at a run.
“I’m fine. Really fine!” I sobbed as I reached the landing flung open the bathroom door and escaped inside locking the door behind me. It seemed strange and somewhat wrong but it looked like the stage for my suicide had been set. My end of days would come to me on my parent’s bathroom floor.
My whole body went limp as my mothers words hit my body like someone had come with a big vacuum cleaner and sucked all of the energy out of me.
“I know mum, I know. I have always been a silly girl haven’t I?” I said meekly forcing my face to smile at her. “I am sorry that I’m so stupid. I am sorry about so much, I’m sorry… So sorry.” I moaned pushing past my mother further into the house and on up the stairs to the first floor.
“Esmee where are you going? Are you OK?”
“I am fine mum. I just have to use your loo if that is OK.” I whispered the tears taking over me again as I picked up the pace so Id tacking the rest of the stars at a run.
“I’m fine. Really fine!” I sobbed as I reached the landing flung open the bathroom door and escaped inside locking the door behind me. It seemed strange and somewhat wrong but it looked like the stage for my suicide had been set. My end of days would come to me on my parent’s bathroom floor.
Tuesday, 26 April 2011
(Esmee) I wil remember (Mi's side)
I will remember
I had no plan to the way in witch I would end my life. All I new was it had to be quick with no waiting around and it had to be a sure fire way. People found you with overdoses and cut wrists. Hanging was a good bet but I had no where to go it that wasn’t in public view and diving off of high things had the same problem. All I did know was I had one stop to make before I left. I had one goodbye that I could not do with out saying. My mum and dad needed to know that I loved them and I needed to see there face just one more time so I could make sure I remembered every detail about them. I wanted to see Mia too but I new if I set my eyes on my perfect daughters face I wouldn’t be able to follow with the rest of my plan and I had all ready made up my mind. She would be OK. She had the most amazing farther in the world and though I wouldn’t be there, a mummy who loved her to the ends of the earth. Also there was no need to see her again to remember her face properly. Her picture was permanently tattooed onto my heart, it belonged to her.
I got to my parents house quickly and stood outside trying to catch my breath. I wanted to enter composed and OK I wanted them to think that I was just passing by and I was popping in to say hello, not popping in to say good bye. I would have to find a way while I was in there to tell them that I loved them and that they made the best parents in the whole world, that they gave me everything and what I was going to do was not there fault. I also had to find a way of telling them that I was sorry, because I was, more sorry then they would ever know.
I scanned my eyes over the front of the house and tried to draw it as a picture in my head. This was my first proper home and I wanted to remember every little bit of it because here is where I would remember every one being. Remember the good bits. Like all the last two Christmases where we all sat in their little front room together, mum and dad on the sofa and Emmet in the chair with myself draped over him. Little Mia was there too of course the first time round in her swinging crib as she was just two months old , the second In a big box on the floor buried under a mound of Christmas paper and her third sat on top of Emmet’s head bashing him over and over with a toy drum stick. It pained me slightly to think of this years as I new I wouldn’t be there. Saying that there had only ever been enough seating for three, and i didn't belong so fully in Emmets arms any more.
Not bothering to knock on the front door because I always got told off if I did anyway I twisted the handle and let my self into the familiar sunshine yellow hall way my face in an uncomfortable smiling mask; I wouldn’t be able to stay long, it would hurt to much.
“hi, mum, Hi dad” I called up the hall so I didn’t startle them. It was good that t it was one of the days that dad didn’t work. the plan would worke better if they where both there, that way they could comfort each other whne it happened, remind each other of their daughters last words, so they remembered that i loved them. I know it woul still hurt them, but maybe not as much.
“Esmee, darling!” Mum shouted as she emerged into the hall way, her arms out stretched to embrace me but the soon fell back to her sides like she had seen a ghost. “Esmee…What on earths that matter?” She asked taking one look at my face before running up to me and placing her hands on my shoulders.
I hadn’t realised it till now but as I had been running to get here I must have been crying as well. I had been aware of a wet and sticky annoyance on my face but hadn’t made the connection to what it was. It now became obvious that they where tears and there aftermath on my face had betrayed me.
“I’ve left him mum.” I squeaked the tears coming back to clog up my throat.
“Left who?” My mum asked confused, it seemed completely ridicules to her, it would seem completely ridicules to most, every one said we where the most in love couple that they new and I suppose in a way that was true still. I had trapped him for to long though; I had to set him free.
“Emmet mum.” I said my voice braking as the same pain whipped up through my body again. “I have trapped him for to long and I’m not good enough for him. I have been to much for him.” I wept holding my face in my hands my soul crushing it’s self.
“Plus I don’t think he really loves me any more.” I stuttered almost wailing.
I wanted my mother to lean forward and wrap her arms around me. I wanted her soft voice, I wanted her passion. I wanted her to tell me that it was OK and that we would get through it. I wanted her to tell me that my life was still worth living. That it would be possible to survive with out him. I know it was stupid after I had so fully made up my mind to die but I wanted her to tell me to live, but this did not happen and my whole body went ridged as her voice became sterner instead of softer,
“Oh Esmee.” She huffed you know that isn’t true, You silly girl.”
I had no plan to the way in witch I would end my life. All I new was it had to be quick with no waiting around and it had to be a sure fire way. People found you with overdoses and cut wrists. Hanging was a good bet but I had no where to go it that wasn’t in public view and diving off of high things had the same problem. All I did know was I had one stop to make before I left. I had one goodbye that I could not do with out saying. My mum and dad needed to know that I loved them and I needed to see there face just one more time so I could make sure I remembered every detail about them. I wanted to see Mia too but I new if I set my eyes on my perfect daughters face I wouldn’t be able to follow with the rest of my plan and I had all ready made up my mind. She would be OK. She had the most amazing farther in the world and though I wouldn’t be there, a mummy who loved her to the ends of the earth. Also there was no need to see her again to remember her face properly. Her picture was permanently tattooed onto my heart, it belonged to her.
I got to my parents house quickly and stood outside trying to catch my breath. I wanted to enter composed and OK I wanted them to think that I was just passing by and I was popping in to say hello, not popping in to say good bye. I would have to find a way while I was in there to tell them that I loved them and that they made the best parents in the whole world, that they gave me everything and what I was going to do was not there fault. I also had to find a way of telling them that I was sorry, because I was, more sorry then they would ever know.
I scanned my eyes over the front of the house and tried to draw it as a picture in my head. This was my first proper home and I wanted to remember every little bit of it because here is where I would remember every one being. Remember the good bits. Like all the last two Christmases where we all sat in their little front room together, mum and dad on the sofa and Emmet in the chair with myself draped over him. Little Mia was there too of course the first time round in her swinging crib as she was just two months old , the second In a big box on the floor buried under a mound of Christmas paper and her third sat on top of Emmet’s head bashing him over and over with a toy drum stick. It pained me slightly to think of this years as I new I wouldn’t be there. Saying that there had only ever been enough seating for three, and i didn't belong so fully in Emmets arms any more.
Not bothering to knock on the front door because I always got told off if I did anyway I twisted the handle and let my self into the familiar sunshine yellow hall way my face in an uncomfortable smiling mask; I wouldn’t be able to stay long, it would hurt to much.
“hi, mum, Hi dad” I called up the hall so I didn’t startle them. It was good that t it was one of the days that dad didn’t work. the plan would worke better if they where both there, that way they could comfort each other whne it happened, remind each other of their daughters last words, so they remembered that i loved them. I know it woul still hurt them, but maybe not as much.
“Esmee, darling!” Mum shouted as she emerged into the hall way, her arms out stretched to embrace me but the soon fell back to her sides like she had seen a ghost. “Esmee…What on earths that matter?” She asked taking one look at my face before running up to me and placing her hands on my shoulders.
I hadn’t realised it till now but as I had been running to get here I must have been crying as well. I had been aware of a wet and sticky annoyance on my face but hadn’t made the connection to what it was. It now became obvious that they where tears and there aftermath on my face had betrayed me.
“I’ve left him mum.” I squeaked the tears coming back to clog up my throat.
“Left who?” My mum asked confused, it seemed completely ridicules to her, it would seem completely ridicules to most, every one said we where the most in love couple that they new and I suppose in a way that was true still. I had trapped him for to long though; I had to set him free.
“Emmet mum.” I said my voice braking as the same pain whipped up through my body again. “I have trapped him for to long and I’m not good enough for him. I have been to much for him.” I wept holding my face in my hands my soul crushing it’s self.
“Plus I don’t think he really loves me any more.” I stuttered almost wailing.
I wanted my mother to lean forward and wrap her arms around me. I wanted her soft voice, I wanted her passion. I wanted her to tell me that it was OK and that we would get through it. I wanted her to tell me that my life was still worth living. That it would be possible to survive with out him. I know it was stupid after I had so fully made up my mind to die but I wanted her to tell me to live, but this did not happen and my whole body went ridged as her voice became sterner instead of softer,
“Oh Esmee.” She huffed you know that isn’t true, You silly girl.”
Sunday, 24 April 2011
(Esmee) My love wasn't enough (Mi's side)
My love wasn’t enough.
Without saying another word I threw open the car door and got out onto the street and started walking away. That was it all over in the space of seconds. Years and years of love and adoration extinguished; as easy as blowing out a candle. I knew it was stupid, I knew that there should have been a way to do something but my whole body hurt with what he said. I didn’t want to be someone else’s silly girl and it didn’t mater if we had been married for five years or five minutes if that is what I had become to him…it was over.
“Esmee, wait, stop! I am sorry” I heard Emmet yell behind me but the words didn’t mean anything and there was nothing to say. I know he didn’t mean to hurt me and I new he was a good man and all along I new I hadn’t been good enough for him. I new it couldn’t last and finally in once second of lost control he had said what he really thought.
I had no idea where I was going to go or any idea how a divorce really worked I never thought I would have to go through one. When I said I will I had truly meant it. I loved no other the way I loved him, the way I still loved him. The brake up of are marriage was not to punish him, it was to save him. My love wasn’t enough.
“Esmee where are you going? Wait!” Emmet shouted grabbing hold of my arm and yanking me around to look at him. He looked hurt but not as hurt as me, he also looked sorry but to change my mind would have been wrong. all of this was for him.
“I going away. I don’t want to be your silly girl Emmet.” I sighed two tears dribbling down over my face at the same time as his fell over his. I wondered if we both cried for the same reason but if we did there wouldn’t of been any reason to cry. If he loved me like he used to I would of stayed.
“Esmee I am sorry. Come back to the car, lets go home.”
“I no longer have one. It’s over Emmet, gone.”
“What do you mean? You are my wife Esmee, Sickness and in health,. Death do us part.” Emmet whined more tears falling over his cheeks in time with mine. I put my hand up and held the side of his face and forced my self to smile at him.
“Don’t cry my baby. I was never good enough for you. I was never “in health” and I never to hurt you.” I whispered the tears in my throat stopping from talking properly.
“Don’t go Esmee, don’t leave you know I am nothing with out you!” Emmet begged
“I’m sorry.” and with that I turned from him and begin running up the road as fast as my legs could carry me. In this road was where my story started and in this road it would end. I would not devoice Emmet there was no need to. Instead I would just bring the death do us part thing forward a bit.
You gave it all into the call
You took a chance and
You took the fall for us,
You took a chance and
You took the fall for us,
You took my hand and added a plan
You gave me your heart
You gave me your heart
Sia, my love
“Esmee, wait, stop! I am sorry” I heard Emmet yell behind me but the words didn’t mean anything and there was nothing to say. I know he didn’t mean to hurt me and I new he was a good man and all along I new I hadn’t been good enough for him. I new it couldn’t last and finally in once second of lost control he had said what he really thought.
I had no idea where I was going to go or any idea how a divorce really worked I never thought I would have to go through one. When I said I will I had truly meant it. I loved no other the way I loved him, the way I still loved him. The brake up of are marriage was not to punish him, it was to save him. My love wasn’t enough.
“Esmee where are you going? Wait!” Emmet shouted grabbing hold of my arm and yanking me around to look at him. He looked hurt but not as hurt as me, he also looked sorry but to change my mind would have been wrong. all of this was for him.
“I going away. I don’t want to be your silly girl Emmet.” I sighed two tears dribbling down over my face at the same time as his fell over his. I wondered if we both cried for the same reason but if we did there wouldn’t of been any reason to cry. If he loved me like he used to I would of stayed.
“Esmee I am sorry. Come back to the car, lets go home.”
“I no longer have one. It’s over Emmet, gone.”
“What do you mean? You are my wife Esmee, Sickness and in health,. Death do us part.” Emmet whined more tears falling over his cheeks in time with mine. I put my hand up and held the side of his face and forced my self to smile at him.
“Don’t cry my baby. I was never good enough for you. I was never “in health” and I never to hurt you.” I whispered the tears in my throat stopping from talking properly.
“Don’t go Esmee, don’t leave you know I am nothing with out you!” Emmet begged
“I’m sorry.” and with that I turned from him and begin running up the road as fast as my legs could carry me. In this road was where my story started and in this road it would end. I would not devoice Emmet there was no need to. Instead I would just bring the death do us part thing forward a bit.
(Esmee) Silly girl (mi's side)
Silly girl
“I’m sorry what?” Emmet asked shaking me off of his shoulder while turning his body so he could look at me. His eyes seemed hurt like I had just turned around d and told him that I had an affair with another block.
“Don’t look at me like that. It looks like I have done something wrong.”
“You have!” Emmet shouted more loudly then I think he intended to; he seemed shocked with him self.
“What?” I stuttered confused. “How is the fact that I got adopted my fault?” I asked shaking my head confused. I felt my anger burning somewhere deep inside of my self. He always told me that I could tell him anything yet when I did he reacted this way. Frustrated I snapped the elastic band around my wrist twice.
“You never told me! I have been married to you for five years, been your boyfriend for seven, known you for ten yet you decided not to tell me something so important!”
“How’s it important to you?” I shouted
“It is important to you! By default I find it important too. Why don’t you get that you silly girl!”
The tears sprang into my eyes suddenly as the last words to slip from his lips ripped through my body just like he had actually spitted a mouth full of tiny blades all over me at a hundred miles an hour. The blades got every bit of skin, every organ, every bone before finishing off with my soul. Was that really he saw me too? After all these years trying to become something, trying to stop those words from intimidating me and haunting me he was going to shout me down with the same sentence that used to be uttered to me all the time; The same sentence that used to drive me insane.
Why did you say that? Silly girl
Why do you think that? Silly girl
Why are you doing that? Silly girl
Silly girl
Silly girl
Silly girl
“I’m sorry what?” Emmet asked shaking me off of his shoulder while turning his body so he could look at me. His eyes seemed hurt like I had just turned around d and told him that I had an affair with another block.
“Don’t look at me like that. It looks like I have done something wrong.”
“You have!” Emmet shouted more loudly then I think he intended to; he seemed shocked with him self.
“What?” I stuttered confused. “How is the fact that I got adopted my fault?” I asked shaking my head confused. I felt my anger burning somewhere deep inside of my self. He always told me that I could tell him anything yet when I did he reacted this way. Frustrated I snapped the elastic band around my wrist twice.
“You never told me! I have been married to you for five years, been your boyfriend for seven, known you for ten yet you decided not to tell me something so important!”
“How’s it important to you?” I shouted
“It is important to you! By default I find it important too. Why don’t you get that you silly girl!”
The tears sprang into my eyes suddenly as the last words to slip from his lips ripped through my body just like he had actually spitted a mouth full of tiny blades all over me at a hundred miles an hour. The blades got every bit of skin, every organ, every bone before finishing off with my soul. Was that really he saw me too? After all these years trying to become something, trying to stop those words from intimidating me and haunting me he was going to shout me down with the same sentence that used to be uttered to me all the time; The same sentence that used to drive me insane.
Why did you say that? Silly girl
Why do you think that? Silly girl
Why are you doing that? Silly girl
Silly girl
Silly girl
Silly girl
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