Freeze it out (Mi's side)

Freeze it out

It was 10 30 when Josh finally insisted that I left Summer and went back to my room and got ready for bed. It was about nine thirty when I got back to the unit from the general hospital and all that kept playing over and over in my head was Esmee once again getting home to late to tuck her daughter up in bed and once again it was my fault. What was worse still I didn’t think I could face going to my room. I had tried to run away from there earlier that day and I wasn’t ready to go back. My room no longer shouted NHS it yelled Some one cares and I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. Even more so now that I was almost sure that the people who did care now didn’t.

Once in the bathroom and away from staff and clients alike I turned on the shower and stepped in fully clothed letting the water weigh down my cloths and then in turn me. Finally I slinked to the floor and let my body dissolve into heavy sobbing. Every part of me ached with a heavily pressing sadness that I could not get rid of. That no matter how much I faked laughed a joked with Summer it was there to take over me when I was alone. It was always there to consume whatever it could like a angry monster that was always hungry and always attack with out ever resting.

I had not bothered to use the hot water tap and the jets of water that sprayed down over me where icy cold making me shiver and my teeth chatter together in a discordant melody. I could of easily turned around and turned on the hot water but I didn’t want to. My body felt to heavily with pain to lift up my arm and turn the dial for the hot water plus the cold sting of the icy jets pounding into my face suited how I felt. So cold, so empty, so heavy and alone. Maybe I could even try and freeze the sadness away. Freeze the guilt away.

I sat under the icy water for a long time until my skin was bright red but numb from the cold and I was shivering so much I couldn’t keep my spine from hitting repeatedly against the tiles behind me and it felt like I was going to puke, but still I could not find the will or the energy to move out of the shower, there was nothing waiting for me out there nothing I wanted to be a part of.

“ Mi, Mi. It’s Edward OK I am coming in. You have been in here with the water running for nearly forty minutes and I got to see if you are all right OK. Both Erin and Alice are busy at the moment so that leaves me.”

“You…You can’t come in here… I..I am naked. I should at least, have…have a female.” I stuttered towards the trying to move my body up off of the floor but failing.

“OK fair enough I will go and see if any one is freed up yet, but I will be back it a few seconds OK.”
Great I had a few seconds to pull my self together when I needed a few hours. or a few day even.