I don't want Happiness i just want OK

I don’t want happiness I just want OK

Esmee sighed gently before leaning back into her seat and steering out the windscreen into the dimly lit hospital car park while I stared at my plastered hand and pulled gently at the end of the bandage.

“What would you think Arabella would do and say now if she saw you like this?” Esmee finally asked still not looking at me but staring out into the gloom of the night

“That’s not fair.” I moaned almost shocked at the question and it’s blatant insensitivity. In fact the question would have been better suited coming from Crystal.

“I know, I’m sorry.” Esmee said tearing her eyes away from what she was looking at and looking at my direction. “I was just letting my mouth run before my brain.”

“It’s all right, I. wonder the same thing to sometimes.”

“How long have you been cutting Mi? I know what your records say but that is only what they know about. But how long has it really been.”

“I was 9 I think, it just happened, I’m mot sure how and I’m not sure why. It wasn’t like I planed it. I didn’t just wake up one day I think today I am going to try and cut my self it just happened. I just saw it sitting there on the side and it felt like it was actually calling to me. I was so angry. I was shaking and I couldn’t calm down and I needed something. I needed anything and I new what to do, I just used a ruler to undo that little screw on the pencil sharpener and I dragged the bade across my skin, and it felt amazing.” I said dreamily staring out of the car window and back across to the pain building of the hospital as I aloud my self to get completely lost in my memory and the tranquillity of the first cut I ever made on my skin.

“Nine is young.” Esmee sighed rubbing her hands over her arms she seemed to be remembering something her self. “Do you want to stop?” Esmee asked “Or do you think you have actually found a way to be happy?”

“What do you think? Of course I want to stop. I don’t want happiness Esmee or anything over the top, I just want to be OK. Every day that is all I pray for, not to be happy, just to feel OK. for a minute where I don’t feel sad. Just for a second where I don’t have to battle with my self over and over again for the same bloody things. For a tiny moment in time where Sophie isn’t screaming silently in my had. For a tiny moment where I don’t want to cut the hell out of my own skin. Or shove my fingers back my throat until I spit up blood or faint what ever comes first. That all I want Esmee, nothing more I just want to be OK.”