Underneath her clothes (Mi's side)

Underneath her clothes


I tried to pull my heavy body up off of the ground of the shower but I was either not able or not wanting to do so and after a few more attempts I gave up and let my body collapse back to the floor again a new wave of sobbing taking over me. What was the point of trying.

A few minuets later there was frantic knocking on the door as the lock turned to let who was ever out side in. To far gone to try and react I just closed my eyes and continued to sob letting whatever was going to happen, happen.

“Mi honey, sweet heart Come on honey.”

“What are you still doing here?” I sobbed as I watched Esmee step into the shower fully clothed and shield me from the icy water that was still pelting down against my head.

“Mi! Damn it this water is freezing!” Esmee shouted recoiling slightly before she got her senses back and started fumbling with the water trying to turn it off.

“Mi baby girl why are you sat fully clothed in a freezing shower.” Esmee asked crouching down opposite me in the cubical reaching out and tucking a strand of my soaking wet hair behind my ear. She wore the same warm smile as she always wore as she looked into my eyes.

“Esmee I hurt!” I wailed barley controlling my chattering teeth and trembling hands “and I can’t stop the pain! I can’t run away from it and I can scream it out! I can’t cry it out Or starve it out of me. Hell I can’t even bleed it out! Or puke it out! There is nothing I can do to make the pain go away and it hurts!” I almost screamed at Esmee as I rocked my body violently back and forth against the wet shower floor. The anger and the pain raging in me, ready to consume
“It’s Ok honey I know.”

“ No Esmee you don’t! There is a monster inside of me and it aches all over and it eats at my soul. I am so heavy all of the time and all I want to do is cry but the tears don’t work. Nothing does! You don’t get it I have to kill the outside to destroy the monster within!”

“Mi I know it’s hard, and I know the pain your on about and I hate to think of you in it.”

“You don’t know this pain Esmee!” I screamed almost chocking on the rasping in the back of my throat. “Look at your life! You have a husband, a daughter! You’re a foster mother god damn it!” I yelled even louder before something within me found the cool down anger switch and I suddenly just became silent. A teenager in dripping wet cloths crying on a medical cold bathroom floor like something out of a sad depressing film.

“I am sorry Esmee.” I whispered closing my eyes “I am a bad person and this has to end OK.” I squeaked. “You have to let me go now.”

“Mi, I know how you feel.” Esmee said even more sweetly. Brushing her fingertips over my face wiping away the tears and the water.

“Esmee I don’t think you come back from this pain.” I sighed my body heaving again with tears though this time they where silent though some how heavier then the screaming ones.

“Mi, I know.” Esmee said again smiling as she effortlessly flicked the buttons on the cuff of her blouse open and pushed her sleeves up to her shoulders revealing for the first time what lied beneath her clothes.