Proud (Mi's side)

Proud

 “I’ve fucked up Esmee.” I whispered turning my face away from hers so I didn’t have to see the disappointment etched upon it. I had let her down again. I kept promising myself that I would get better for her. That I would become whole overnight. That I would become someone that she could turn around to someone else and say “this Is Mi, this is my sister.” Hell I tried hard for that, however I was quickly learning that I would never be that person. I would never be something that she could have any pride in.   

“I didn’t know what else to do.” I admitted feeling uncomfortable with Esmee’s prolonged silence.

“Mi, look at me honey.” I slowly turned my face to look at her. I had been broken before so how much could it hurt? How much could I kid myself?

“You have done amazingly well. You have done exactly the right thing by coming to find a member of staff. I am immensely proud of you sweet heart. ”

Finding Esmee (Mi's side)

Finding Esmee

I had to find either Emmet or Esmee. I had no idea why. Self-harm had never been a spectator sport before but now I had to find them. Something inside me screamed bigger then all of it put together. I had fallen to either a new low or grown to a bigger height. I needed them there. I needed them to run to.

I took the back stairs down to the first floor and flew up the main corridor to the day rooms sticking my head first into the empty dining room and then into the day room that was also empty. I was alone and lost and I had no idea where anyone was. I could have screamed. I wanted to scream. What was I going to do without them?

“Pull yourself together Mi.” I moaned my breathing accelerating as I aloud my body to slip down the wall towards the floor. My arm hurt, my head hurt and it felt like I was going to throw up. My head screamed and the sobbing echoed inside my chest but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get my head to make my plan of action solid. I was slipping through the cracks again.

“Hay, hi there sweetheart I was just coming to find you hon. Emmet said you weren’t feeling so hot ” Esmee. Hope, hope that I might not get swallowed alive. Esmee the very person I will let down the most and the only person I didn’t want to. Self-harm tried to kill everything and Esmee would be then next Person on its list. Self-harm destroyed the people you wanted to love you.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry! I sobbed trying to pull my body back up onto its feet again even though everything tried to keep me glued down to the floor. “I’M really, really sorry. I tried Esmee. I tried but I just couldn’t and and…” I shouted my breathing getting caught inside my chest. “I think I’m in trouble here Esmee,” I cried.

“Wowah honey, it’s all right. You have to slow down and take some big breaths for me then when you can tell me what has got you so upset. Esmee said, gently reaching forward and taking my hand into one of hers before she pulled it away startled my blood now smeared all over Esmee ‘s hand.

my first real fight (Mis side)

My first real fight

Six months ago things would have been different. It would have been easy. There would have been no fight involved in opening my skin with the edge of a razor but now there was something inside of me that fought against the idea, I wanted to cut more than anything in the world yet, it was also the only thing in the entire world that I didn’t want to do. Without meaning to or really even wanting to my fight with self-harm had started. Don’t get me wrong I had had to fight it before but it had never been for me. I had fort it because I wasn’t allowed to cut. Now I was fighting because I was outgrowing the restraints of the razors edge. It was no longer everything I was, however it would not go down without a fight and of course it wasn’t opposed to playing dirty when one of its minions threatened to leave its side and become whole.

Jumping from my bed I curled myself up at the bottom of it and ran my fingers over the bottom slat waiting for my fingers to hit something metal hidden just under the rim. This was hiding place one. Hiding place two was in the same place where I had hid the first one the very same day I came to the unit. Three was in one of my pocketed bras. Four was taped to the underside of my sock draw and number five was hidden in the top of a can of body spray. I was devious manic and completely unreasonable, but felt better for having them.

I took the blade from the slat and smoothed the shiny edges between my fingers and breathed in deeply trying to get my feeble lungs to try and chase away the squashed feeling but like I guessed they wouldn’t. My skin cried out for the sharp edge to be slashed down across it. My blood wanted to flow into the world outside my body and across the floors were it wouldn’t have to be contained. I wanted it more than anything however I didn’t. Blood would have been a bitter sweet reward.

“Oh come on Mia!” I hissed, making myself rock backwards and forwards in my ball.

“It’s easy, it’s always been easy, just do it!” I posed the blade at my skin and closed my eyes ready to slash down, ready for my skin to open and for heat and range and pain to bubble up from the gap that was left. Then I could breathe again. So why wouldn’t my hand work? Why did half of my brain scream “No” even though it would make me feel better?

I couldn’t stop the feelings from overtaking me. It felt like my body was being dragged under the surface of crashing wave and the worse thing was that the life line that I needed so badly was right there in my hands, pressed beneath my fingers but I couldn’t take it. My hands shook and the nausea from inside of me threatened to pour out over the edges. I could not breath.

I fort for exactly four minuites fifteen seconds before my body crumbled and caved in and I pulled the side of blade one across my skin opening up my skin and allowing the blood to gather in beads and then topple down over the edges into my other hand. I did it again and then again feeling the frenzy setting in that I wanted to avoid. I had fought the cutting. Fort my need for the blood and destruction but I had the taste for it now and I liked it, wanted it, needed it. It was the only thing in needed. Somewhere inside me my brain still barked at me to stop but the monsters tried to drown it out.

“Stitches, it isn’t a cut unless it needs stitches.”

The blade ate my skin leaving a hole that thread could sew up but not before giving me the gift of more blood. I smeared it with my hands, letting the deep red collect on my fingertips before dripping down onto the carpet. I loved what I was doing. I was saving myself. I sobbed my whole chest heaving with the heavy tears. I hated what I was doing. I was ruining everything.

“Carry on, more Mia! More! More! You can do better.”

“Stop mi, just stop, stop!” I Sobed, throwing the blade across the floor before getting to my feet pulling my hoody on over my head and bolting from the door

Lost e-mails

Hi guys.

More story coming soon i promise i am in the middle of a chapter! Hpowever i have a lovely new laptop!!!! So i am trying to transfer everything!
Now heres my problem. Somewhere in the transfer i lost the bunch of e-mail adresses that i had for people so i could send them the back story. Of course the whole story from the begining will be going over on the other blog. www.miareyousafe.blogspot.com i do recomend going over there and re reading the first chapters if you havent all ready dont it yet. I have edited bits, changed bits and put more stuff in with Bella and Esmee!

Anyway i babble and this is the point. If anyone still wants to get the back story sent to them via e-mail i am going to need e-mail adresses again. Sorry. Maybe you could PM them to me through RYL if you want to (i'm lost in dreams) or any other way. Many thanks. and if you do manage to get over to the other site feel free to leave me some comments on the chapters. It's looking a little bare!!

Also one last things tell your friends!!!

Thanks
vikki

My collection (Mi's side)

My collection

I had plunged the room into science. Hev raised her hands to speak and then lowered them again dramatically allowing them to hit the side of her hips with a crack. She had waited so long to have someone to talk to and I had made her silent. She would have killed for my voice to scream her feelings aloud. Yet I had it as my own and still couldn’t talk.

“You don’t have to be death to be trapped in silence.” I whispered under my breath while looking away from Hev and not moving my hands. She had no idea what it was like to have a secret. One that was locked away with keys and chains somewhere in the very pit of you. At least she could say it all when her hands were understood. I was simply gagged.

“I think I should take you around and introduce you to everyone else.” Emmet said brightly chasing the thunderclouds out the corners of my room that where threatening to soak everyone.

“I’m sure Mi won’t mind you come back and having another chat with her later on if you want to.”

“No problem.” I said signing the words over my head to Hev. My cheeks were all ready once again covered in tears to be able to face her properly. Life above the surface was heard, slipping under the crashing waves was easy. I would drown again soon. It was about time my legs stopped treading water.

“Mi,” I heard Emmet say gently behind me, his voice not bright anymore but soft and concerned. I’ going to get someone to come and sit with you for a bit. You’ll be safe until they come up right?”

“Yes,” I said softly, but I knew it was a lie. My blood had already started to solidify inside my veins and Dr. Jordan had not ever moved his pencil sharpeners from his desk. I had five of them now. A collection I was proud of.

Signing aloud (Mi's side)

When I say nothing at all

Signing aloud

I tried to pull myself together when I heard the tap on my door so whoever it was outside didn’t have to see me so broken. Staff had gotten used to me being stronger and stronger and as a result they never saw me crying anymore. Emmet and Esmee were the only exceptions to this rule but they had long since gone form being just staff. They were the only ones that could get to me. They were the only one that didn’t make me strangely numb because Like it or not, it was just a race to the finish line now. They wanted me out and I wanted to go. I was never good enough for Apple gate house. Or maybe it was never good enough for me.

“This is Mi.” Emmet signed as well as speaking aloud to Hev as he pushed open my bedroom door and stepped inside, even though his body was still turned towards Hev.

I saw Hev give me a little concerned smile and waved before turning to Emmet and signing, “She’s crying. Maybe you should help her? I can wait outside, or maybe help. I don’t like to see people sad, not that I will be much use, not being able to talk.”

“I’m fine.” I said using my hands slowly and deliberately, making sure my hands were pointed in exactly the right way. My fingers curling in at the right points. It had been over a year since my hands had been used for language.

“I’m sorry I’m sad. I am Mi. My signing is a bit slow as I’m not used to it. It is nice to meet you though.” Hev’s face lit up into a smile as I signed the words. I was another person she could talk too. Another person were she could be more then a silent figure in the crowd. Invisible could hurt when you spent your whole surrounded in it’s smoke.

“You sign well,” Hev complemented excitedly, the expression in her hand movements changing again. “I’m Heaven-sent. I know it’s stupid, I think my parents were sniffing glue or something when they came up with that one. Everyone calls me Hev. It’s nice to meat you Mi, I don’t normally meet people that can sign. It’s nice to meet people that can understand me.

“You can sign?” Emmet blurted out amazed, his hands moving as he spoke aloud to me. “How come you never told any of us?”

“Well you never told anyone you could.” I pointed out. My signing becoming stronger the more I used it again. My hands began to know the shapes instantly recalling them from a part of my head that I thought had died long ago. There had been a time when signing had become my main language. The silent world that made Hev feel so isolated, I had had longed for.

“I didn’t have anyone to sign to.”

“Well neither did I.

“No one chooses this.” Hev’s hands almost groaned, their movements slow and sluggish. Every time I begin to feel normal I get reminded that I’m so far from it. I mean why would you use your hands when you can talk and everyone understands? When you can hear what someone is saying? I hate sign language, Everyone hates sign language.”

“That’s not true.” I didn’t even bother vocalising the words. “I almost prefer this. I can say so much when I say nothing at all.”

I will always cry for this. (Mi's side)

I will always cry for this.

After I worked out how to make my head and legs work together again, I slipped silently passed Alice scooted behind Emmet and took of at a light run up the two sets of stares to the second floor and into my 3^rd new bedroom. Sunshine. I truly hated each and every name for the different rooms. Apple gate was portrayed to be a positive optimistic place but in reality it just wasn’t. If you were optimistic, if you had a future set for you in the world, if you had a boyfriend and fitted it well… you had no business claiming a room here to call your own. We were all here because we were considered acutely unwell. Our lives weren’t full of sunshine and we were hardly ever tranquil unless we were oblivious like Madeline. Hev was no exception to the rule of course. She had pumped the poison in and they had pumped it back out leaving her somewhere I was no stranger to. No mans land. A place between the living and the dead, were the laws of human nature were blurred. Our greatest sense as a human was meant to be our sense of self preservation. As humans above all our sense was to avoid situations were our life was put in danger. We were built to survive, however a few had erased those rule and now there was no guild line to what was right and wrong. We wanted to die… Well I had wanted to at least.

I wasn’t sure as to why the tears come as I flumped down on my bed and curled my self up, pocking my headphone’s into my ears and pressing the play button on my MP3 player. It played the Breaking dawn soundtrack from the Twilight Saga. Bella’s favourite. Now it was stuck on a continues loop on my player. She had been counting down the days to it’s cinema release on her calendar with a red marker and making the ancient computer in the day room wheeze out all the new trailers that were put on the internet. She had died three days prior to it’s release. Some of the girls still went with their pre-booked tickets. Bella, Summers and my self’s resided in the bin. Edward and Ava had tried to persuade both Summer and my self that we should go. I told him a film about immortality wasn’t for me at that present moment and went to bed early.

My whole body hurt. I didn’t know why but tears held me down. Hearing Hevs story had sent something inside of me spinning. She was just a child. 13 years old. Her body had barely hit puberty and she was ready to pack it all in and it was all because she felt so alone. Her world was silent and her only communication was done via her hands but her parents decided she wasn’t aloud to do that because she looked “strange waving her arms about it that undignified manner.” They said she should read lips and learn to talk, but people laughed at the way she spoke and she just couldn’t read lips all that well. I hated the world and its injustice. All the people it failed. The one’s that just fell through the cracks. The parents that destroyed the things that were meant to be most precious to them just because they weren’t perfect. The fact that it took the wrong one’s before their time. So I cried. I cried out the pain and the anger until my chest and tummy hurt. I cried until my hair was damp and a wet patch appeared on the side of my Pillow. I couldn’t stop.

I Knew everything (Mi's side)

I Knew everything

I had no idea why they let me stay there and listen to what was going on. Maybe they had just forgotten that I was there in all the commotion. Maybe they thought it wouldn’t matter because all of the communication was now going on by the new girl’s frantic hands with Emmet flicking in the occasional sign now and then whenever there was a gap.

Esmee had all ready given up and walked away five minutes ago her eyes threatening tears. The new girl was distressed and upset and there was nothing she could do about it. That was too much for her to bear. Alice sat silently on the blue Sofas and tried to look like she knew what the hell was going on while I stood just inside the doorway motionless.

The new girl was Called Heaven-sent Crawford but she liked to be called Hev because she was totally fed up with people taking the piss out of her name. She had no idea were she was or why she was there and she wanted to just get away. Her parents saw her as nothing but an obstacles in their lives and sent her to a very expensive boarding school so they didn’t have to do any proper parenting. At school she was bullied because she was deaf and even though her parents were rolling in money they refused to give her a one to one translator so she could understand what was going on because being death wasn’t the “done thing.” She hated that she disappointed everyone and she hated the fact that she could never do anything right and that included killing her self. She lived in a prison of science and she had never been aloud out of it. She thought all those pills would kill her and it would all be over. she was angry because they didn’t. She was upset because the pain she was in was still there and she couldn’t runaway from it and even though the school and the hospital had called her parents they had refused to cut there holiday short and come back. Instead leaving the message that she should stop being such a Drama Queen.

You see I had a lot of secrets and here was another one. I also new how to sign, and now I knew everything.

Signing the way. (Mi's side)

Signing the way.

With a flick of his card key Emmet opened the front door and stepped into the entrance hall, me following behind him. I had been expecting a whole crowd of people to be making the noise that was actually coming from inside the building but I was wrong it was actually just one person.

A girl in her mid teens stood in the middle of the corridor crying her heart out and shouting in a language that was incomprehensible as Esmee, Dr. Jordan and Alice stood around the edges of the room looking helpless and exchanging nervous glances at Each other as the girl continued to sob. Why the hell weren’t they helping her? Why the hell had this one entered into the world behind these doors?

“Hay, what’s going on here?” Emmet asked Esmee as he passed by her and went over to the girl weeping in the center of the room,

“Hi honey, I’m one of the nurse’s here sweetheart. Is there something…” Emmet’s words were cut off mid sentenced by a particularly loud shriek and the girl backing away ten paces from the unfamiliar giant that Emmet was to her.

“Hay, it’s…”

“Emmet, She profoundly death.” Esmee snapped from the corner. Her voice pained as she covered her face in her hands and shook her head from side to side groaning. It must have been killing her inside to see someone in this much pain with absolutely nothing she could do about it.

“So she sign’s?”

“and we don’t.”

A slight smile touched the side of Emmet’s lips before he turned around looked directly at the new girl and raised his hands speaking the words as he started to sign in fluent BSL.

“My name is Emmet, I’m a nurse and I work here. You must be very scared and confused what with out language barriers, but I can sign well and I can answer you questions.”

Ambulance’s always mean trouble. Full stop. (Mi's side)

Ambulance’s always mean trouble. Full stop.

I enjoyed my time out. The fresh air made me see things again and out there I realised I was still considered halfway human. I in fact did not wear a neon sign around my neck that screamed hospital inpatient and Emmet did not wear one advertising that fact that he was my nurse. By now we both new that that wasn’t strictly true anyway. Esmee loved me passionately and Emmet loved her more then words could say. He could never hate something she loved so much. For me, I had a sister again. She was not Arabella and nether would I want her to be but she was Esmee and that was enough.

“So what are you going to be doing for the rest of the afternoon?” Emmet asked drumming his fingers against the steering weal of his car as he turned around the corner into Apple gat road and back towards the unit. It didn’t fill me with dread so much anymore, and even though the gates were still fifteen foot high they felt smaller after all I was counting down the days now they kept telling me. Everyone hoping for a January discharge. My story was ending soon.

“I’m going to draw. A lot. Those things I got today are just stunning and I think I can finally get the eyes right now I have some colours to play with. Yours are the worse, I just can’t seam to get Jade to translate to gray and well Esmee’s are a mystery. I just don’t think there meant to be captured.”

“You’ve drawn me.” Emmet Chuckled tapping the number into the security gate while shielding it behind his hand. There would have been a time when I would have killed for that number. Even if I did no it now I wasn’t sure I would use it to runaway.

“Oh hell, that’s never a good sign,” Emmet moaned spotting the ambulance that was parked close to the front door of the unit obstructing the cars.

“No that’s shit,” I agreed. Someone was seriously ill, whether going in or going out.

“I was going tom spend some more time with you but I might have to cut and run OK. If there’s a new emergency admission the unit will be in madness again. Are you going to be OK on your own. Things were a bit hairy for a bit while we were out.”

“No, no I’m fine, I’ll just go to my room and draw or something. Do your job, don’t be worrying about me.”

“It’s my job to worry about you, besides there’s a bit more to it then that now as well. Come on lets get you inside. They might have got it all under control,” Emmet smiled slamming his door shut on his car and taking off at a march towards the front door making it almost impossible to keep up with him with out running. Through the front door the commotion inside could be heard. Apparently they did not have the situation under control.

Another battle for another day (Mi's side)

Another battle for another day

“You have no idea how much I have longed to here you say that,” Emmet smiled, his eyes almost looking misty as he looked over at me and grabbed my hand into his; giving it a squeeze. I had made him happy. Really happy and it hadn’t taken the state of perfection I was always looking for. It had taken nothing more then an attitude, however what made one happy made the other mad and I had to wince as Sophie exploded inside of my mind. She didn’t talk to me she just screamed like I had physically picked her up and dropped her into a vat of burning lava. And through that scream I could feel her pain inside me. The twisting of her limbs, the burning of her skin. I was letting the biggest part of me go. With out her what was left of me?

“I can’t do it,” I moaned screwing my eyes shut. “I wont to but I haven’t got a chance have I, really? She will never let me go.”

“Mi, Sophie isn’t real. I know she can feel it at times and for a while separating her from yourself is a very good way of trying to fight her, but now your almost there, your looking at the finishing line and it’s time to make her part of you again. Sophie is someone you made up inside your head. She doesn’t control you or what you eat and she doesn’t tell you you’re fat. It’s all you. You stop yourself from eating. You tell yourself that you’re fat. Sophie was just someone to blame, but now you have to look within your self to become stronger and ask your self what’s the real reason you stopped eating and now find it so heard to start again, because if you look deep enough you know that you didn’t arrive to this unit fat and that the weight you are now, the weight that you fort everyone over, is a lot healthier for you.”

“I know, I know,” I shouted holding my hands up in surrender as the inside of Emmet’s car started to spin around me from the heat that was building inside of my head and nausea that made it heard for me to breath with out puking. He was right. I had known it all along but admitting it aloud was too much. My head was screaming, my heart was melting and it felt like I was dying as the metal box around me seemed to restrict closer and closer inwards like a boa constrictor around a mouse.

“All right, all right Mi. We have reached your barrier of what you can deal with here and now we have to bring it back slowly to something manageable.” Emmet said calmly opening his window to let the cold December breeze in to ease my burning skin. “Take some deep breaths,” Emmet instructed calmly, putting his hand on my shoulder as and turning me around to look at him. I tried to keep my eyes looking anywhere apart from his. They would kill me instantly, the liquid jade solidifying my blood and freezing my soul

“Mi, look at me.” I refused. “Mi, look at me, it’s OK. It’s going to be Ok.” My heart told my eyes to move. My head forced them to dart around unable to focus on anything else. “Mi, look at me.” My heart won and my eyes shot up to meet his and braced my self for the pain but instead, everything became slower. The metal crushing walls backed away. My thoughts that had flared up like angry waves began to retreat. “Deep breaths.”

I inhaled deeply twice as I curled my fingers around the fabric of his jacket he was wearing concentrating with my head on how his chest pushed my hands away so easily from him and then pulled them back in. Deep, solid and easy. A beating drum in perfect rhythm.

“That’s a good girl. You’re doing so well. Keep going.” I forced the air into my lungs slowly until it felt like they would burst then let it out trying to follow Emmet’s pattern of breathing slowly. Each breath pushing the anorexia oblivion further and further away until it was just in the distance. Not gone exactly, but no longer crushing. Just another battle for another day.

Hay guys only me!!!!  Just wanted to post a heart felt appology for the lack of updates on the story. I know i am bad but........ this might chear you all up.!

There is plenty of Retro mi over on www.miareyousafe.blogspot.com and these old updates may not be as old as they seem! There is new bits added. Bits changed around icluding some things from Bella and very soon to be a whole new chapter from Esmee's point of view and lets face it we all love Esmee!!!

So once again i am sorry about the lack of updates but there will be some more soon and i hope to see you all over on my other blog!