Esmee : I will alwyas find you

I will always find you.

Esmee

“This is so fucked up,” I moaned sitting down on top of the toilet seat and putting my head into my hands. “I am so fucked up; I can’t even look after my own baby.”

“Now you’re putting words into my mouth. I never said you were fucked up or a bad mother. You have more love and more maternal instinct in your little finger then some people will experience in their whole life but I have just found you promising size six to a reflection that was not my wife’s, to the reflection that will come for you.”  

 “I don’t want to get sick Emmet but if you’re asking me for a promise that I won’t you know you are asking too much. I have bad bits and I always will weather I am pregnant or not,” I said defeated by everything the morning had so far thrown at me. My head hurt with the stuff I was trying to get into it, with the fear for what had happened. I had stood and without a fight declared to myself that after the pregnancy I would crash diet until I was back to a dangerous weight and for the briefest of moments the thought of it had made me high not scared. How had it come to me walking so close next to the edge of a crumbling cliff line again? I had known I was struggling. I had fort for every bite of food at times but through all of it I had never lost grip of the fact that eating was in fact, though difficult, a good thing. I had longed for a size six but always understood that the size I was actually better. For the time I had cooed into that mirror and declared war on my body again guaranteeing a miniscule weight to a delusional mind I had actually believed that it was a good thing. I believed that the road to redemption, the road to perfect and pure lied in the labels of my clothing and the numbers on a scale and not inside of me or in the face of my children.

“I’m already sick again aren’t I?” I moaned.

“I think we’re heading for trouble,” Emmet agreed nodding his head slowly before going to his knees in front of the toilet and taking my hand into his, his fingers running over the tendons in my hands. “I got scared Esmee. I should have never even considered asking you to abort our baby. It was wrong of me but I’m not superman and the thought that you being pregnant was making this worse for you was too much and I spoke before I thought properly. I saw you change into someone else right before my eyes and it was terrifying, like you might have never come back to me. I can’t live without you Esmee. It’s self-preservation that makes me want to keep you safe more anything else.

My body hurt at his words as the punched me in the heart and rippled out around the other organs and limbs.  It was the kind of hurt that made me what to hug him close to me yet push his so far away all at the same time. I never really wanted to have him far away from me. I had tried to leave him I had set him free and it nearly resulted in him lying under a train but what happened if I didn’t even know if I was going? If I faded before I could even guess that something was going wrong. What If I became Amy overnight when I wasn’t looking?

“I will always find my way back to you somehow,” I tried to reassure Emmet as well as myself as I reached up at wrapped my fingers around his hair pulling him in closer to me so our lips could meet somewhere in the middle grating me the physical reassurance that I could never feel more then I did when he was wrapped somewhere inside my arms.

 “I will never stop looking either,” Emmet guaranteed after I allowed him to part from my lips, “Ever.”