the truth about "home" (Mi)

The truth about “home”

Mi

“Idiot, you stupid, unbelievable, idiotic, troll!” I yelled pushing Connor away from me so forcefully it made him stumble, “Why the hell in your right mind would you want to come back here and don’t you dare blame me for this! I am not the reason you decided to return to hell!” I had never felt anger like I had felt then. It had been stronger than everything that I had ever felt in my entire life and it swamped my body, making every nerve end reactive and ready to fight if needed. It was chocking.

“This place is only hell when you don’t want to get better! When you are so far gone you don’t give a damn about whether you live or die as long as your little world is not disturbed. The trouble is when you start to get better and want to survive all of this shit they throw you out and then you really begin to know what hell is! I am not stupid. I want to survive and the whole world is against me when I am out there but in here, even though it isn’t much. I stand a chance.”

“Connor it’s crazy! We are in one of the only places around where twenty foot high fences are being used to keep people in and not to keep them out, and you’re the one trying to break in! I never want to see this place again when I leave! There is nothing in here that’s normal or right!” I shouted my feet taking another step closer to him as I went up on tip toes so I could be taller than him. The anger scared me as it coursed its way around my insides but there was no way that I could stop it. I didn’t hate Connor as such. I didn’t exactly hate anyone but I was livid with the world. I was livid with the fact that this was happening in front of me. That someone I connected to so perfectly, who set me on fire, was happy with his ice cold lot in a unit made of more than just physical walls that kept us all inside. If anyone in the entire unit had to survive it was him and he was telling me he had given up on the world.

“It’s not crazy Mi,” Connor shouted back verbally pushing me down to size again making my body sink back into the wall. “You think that it’s all so easy then think about it like this. When you leave here everything that has ever triggered you will be there waiting for you in the cracks and the shadows. So you can survive without cutting yourself in here. You can get on without pushing your fingers down your throat until you spit blood but what happens when you leave? What happens when you walk into that rosy little family bathroom and on the side Emmet’s razor with all its sharp teeth and promise is staring at you? What do you do when you open the cupboard and two packets of Paracetamol promise to take all of your pain away, even more so if you washed them down with the cough and flu medicine they keep with it?  The food in the cupboards won’t be looked away home there what happens when you are feeling just a bit upset, when you haven’t eaten for days and your whole body is screaming at you? You empty the cupboards, every last one and eat until you think you will explode, and then puke until your insides actually do. What about the knives in the kitchen? The cabinet under the sink full of bleach or even that rope on your dressing gown that will suddenly reappear? The hob gets really fucking hot when you leave it on for a while. You could make it look like an accident; you tripped as you approached the hob after she had been cooking one night and put your hands out allowing the heat to blister your hands. I if could have a choice I would keep you here forever! Here you are safe. The only truth about home is that in the end it can kill you!

I shrank back away from Connor as his words set me on fire. I had been in their house. I had seen their kitchen and all the cupboards that where full of food. I knew that they had a knife block. It was  see-through with red knives protruding through the Perspex in there sharp glory each one with teeth that could cut through meat, or fish, or veg… or skin. Then there was the cupboard. She didn’t keep her cleaning stuff under the skin. It was up high probably because of Mia but it was there, in the right cupboard that hung just above the sink. Esmee had got the surface cleaner out of there when I was trying to eat the soup and when there was a cleaner there was bleach. Bleach would do it… bleach could scrub clean my soul. Emmet’s razor would feel glorious as it sliced through my veins… the tablets would set me free…