This will all end in tears (Esmee)

This will all end in tears

Esmee

 

I could hardly look at Emmet the next time he came into our bedroom. We had both been stitched by then in different parts of the house and I was getting changed out of the bloody clothes that where stiff against my body. Emmet had already washed himself off and changed into a pair of lounging bottoms and an old long sleeve t-shirt that he had made holes in at the end of the sleeve so he could hook them over him thumbs. I had spent the hour staring into space.

“No,” I moaned getting off the bed and wondering over to him even though I was still just in my underpants and tight vest top. He had seen me like this before and for some reason he seemed to enjoy it. Even now with blood smears on my skin and a top that was stiff with the stuff he glanced over my body. “Don’t do that,” I whispered pulling at the fabric of the t-shirt.

“Do what sweet?”  He brushed one of his arms down the side of mine before coming to the crisp white bandage and stopping. Even though he tried to hide it I could see the grimace pull across his face as he tried to imagine what was underneath. I hated myself, more than he could know for ever hurting him.

“You never wear long sleeves, even when it is minus outside you wear short sleeves. “You don’t have to hide it from me. You have taken every one of my scars with grace even though they hurt you. I can deal with a few of yours.” I unhooked his thumbs from the holes and pull up his sleeve revealing the bandage underneath that I had put there. There were no words to describe the feelings that pushed around inside of me

“I don’t want to upset you baby. You’re already blaming yourself for something that isn’t your fault. I caught you by surprise and you had a blade in your hand, I knew that and I did it anyway. It was just an accident, there is no one to blame. If I can just put on a t-shirt and make it go away I will.”

“You can’t-” I said grabbing hold of the top of his arm just above from his wound - “just make it go away. Some things take more the sleeves to cover up.” I felt the tears surface into the back of my eyes again so I turned away from Emmet and pulled my vest top up over my head pretending that I was just trying to get changes while secretly hoping that the blood stained fabric would make a good mask for the tears.

“Honey, please don’t hide those tears from me. It’s my job to dry them off.” I felt his arms laces around my waste before I could prepare myself for them fully. I knew what they were going to feel like before they were even there. I had felt his arms heal as they burnt away the bad bits a million times before but I knew how that actually hurt as he was doing it. I would be reborn shiny and new with just a few hours crying into his chest but he would be the one to absorb all the shit that I was crying out making my rebirth come at a much too high a price.

“Emmet get off of me,” I almost begged, the tears making my voice no more than a high pitched yelp, “Emmet let me go.” I pulled hard against the strength in his arms as the sobbing broke free of its sound proof prison that was inside of me but the louder I got the stronger he got too, his arms reeling me back in close to his body. “Emmet, stop, no, no let go. Let me go.” I sobbed loudly. I pulled once more as hard as I could on his arms as a final last stand before my legs let go from under me and both Emmet and myself landed on the floor. He made his last stand by shifting me up close so I was sat between his out stretched legs and  wrapped in his arms holding me tight and safe against him.

I screamed through my sobbing. I had tried to form more words to say but failed each time I opened my mouth as more and more painful screams broke through the restrictions of the words and entered into the world.

“Shhhhh, it’s OK baby, I got you, I got you. I’m  right here and I’m going to look after you forever. I got you,” Emmet promised as he squeezed me even tighter and rocked me from side to side.  I knew he was crying too, I could hear it in his normally sturdy deep voice but he didn’t even try to hide it. He didn’t have to. His tears were as valid as mine if not slightly more dignified and he wasn’t afraid to show them. He knew the importance of them. In the end, after everything, sometimes there was nothing left to do except cry but it wasn’t a bad thing. It was good eve., It washed the soul clean of all the hurt and it trumped anything else that could be used to do the same thing… Even self-harm, in the bitter end, ended in tears