Sorry about the waite... here is an extra long chapter.
A miserable red protocol
“Good girl.
Brilliant, amazing girl. I am so proud of you. You’re doing so well my love,”
Emmet praised wholeheartedly as he rubbed my back in comfort. Of course Sophie
was pissed. She did not handle rejection well and she did not like it when I
saw through her camouflage as the pretty loving girl. Like she did before she
tried to take me by force – a black mist
trying to drive it’s way though my chest but something stopped her this time
like a wall for my salvation. Emmet had a great deal to do with it. She had
always hated him and Esmee more than anyone else in the world and I had long
since worked out that was because they were the only people I would betray her
for, however… this time… there was me as well. I did not produce such a
powerful shield as Emmet did. He had been perfecting his for years and years in
the defence of his wife and every other eating disorder patient that had come to
the unit sick from her disease, but it was there. Alone I had no doubt she
would overwhelm me is seconds but I had the beginning of one against her now
whereas before I would have been beating Emmet’s shield down along with her to
get on her side. Sophie had made two big mistakes that marked her slow downfall
inside my head. She had turned my best friend to dust and bones and maybe even
worse than that she still tried to get at my sister – my amazing, beautiful,
astonishing sister. To defend her-I would suddenly have the strength of an
army.
I tried to
take some deep breaths to stop the nausea, It didn’t work well in honestly I
still had the urge to be sick but it was tolerable. I positioned myself as
close to Emmet as I could without actually touching him. It wasn’t that I
didn’t want to. His hand in mine would have given me more strength then he
could ever guess but I was covered in sick… every inch of me… and worse, during
the panic or the retching I think I had managed to wet myself as well. I was a
disaster zone – he must have been disgusted by me. I was disgusted by me at the
very least.
“You brave,
remarkable girl,” Emmet cooed, ignoring my current vileness and turning me into
hug him. I had been right of course. He passed his strength to me in bucket
loads but it was too much to just make me strong it went past that and left me
feeling embarrassed and hurting. I held my breath and swallowed hard to try and
stop me from sobbing again, but I wanted the tears. Now that the war was ebbing
away I wanted to morn for the casualty’s. I had spent the night burning about
what Connor had said and Sophie came to finish me off. I was allowed to be
wounded and I was allowed to be scared but they were feelings to feel alone and
not with Emmet.
“You will
never know how much you inspire me.”
“Inspire you?
I swear you are few sandwiches short of a picnic Emmet.” I laughed pulling away
from him and leaning myself up against the foam walls instead trying to breath
in and out evenly even though my head still swam around with endless fears and
ideas. “I am covered in vomit,” I continued when Emmet didn’t respond to me, “Completely
covered in vomit. I am shaking and I can’t bloody well stop, and while I am in
the process of being horribly honest, I am pretty convinced that I have wet
myself. So please, please tell me what part of that you find inspiring and not
just plain disgusting?”
“I find your
fight inspiring. That you try and fight such strong demons and you do it with
such power. I see how they are destroying you from the outside but you don’t hand
what they want over to them. You just told Sophie to go away. You told anorexia
that you were better than it and the worst thing that has happened is I have
some vomit to mop up and you’re going to have to take a shower and wash some clothes.
As for the shaking, that will pass eventually; it’s just your body reacting to
the adrenalin.
I sank to the
floor and pulled my knees up to my chest, resting my head on the top of them -
not sure whether I could hold the tears back. It was not the same scared and
frantic crying that came from the pain of a burning soul but a deeper crying. I
wanted to cry from the darker bits of pain hat where stuck inside of me. I
wanted to cry out the bits that where still convinced that I should die, that
Emmet was just doing his job and his complements where worthless and see
through. I wanted to cry because my ribs
where sore and I was covered in pee and vomit. I wanted to cry simply because I
hurt from every part of me and I needed to wash the wounds clean but I knew
that I shouldn’t. I had already used up my fair share of Emmets compassion and
understanding. My fresh tears would have him sat on the floor with his arm
around me in seconds though and even though a part of me longed for it another
part just didn’t want to feel it.
There was a
long buzz and the door of the ECA was pushed open again letting a softer
natural daylight pool around the edges for a few seconds before a completely
new nurse that I had never seen before hoped in around the edge brandishing a
mop and bucket while wearing a nervous smile.
“I was sent
up, there was no one else free,” She stated, smiling at Emmet. I shivered,
backing into the wall. I still hated new people. That much would never change.
“You’re as
good as anyone,” Emmet smiled going over to her and taking away the mop and
bucket. The new woman was very short and rounded. Even Esmee at a tiny five
foot would have been taller than her but the most striking thing about the new
woman was how very young she looked. Some of the clients in the unit even
looked older than her but that wouldn’t be hard. Too many teenagers in the walls
of apple gate house had seen and dealt with things even old age pensioners
would find hard to handle. Not many found a room here if they had had an easy
life.
“Mi this is
Rosalie,” Emmets said trying to introduce me to the intruder in the room like
she should have been my best friend. It was a strange world inside the walls of
hospitals. You may have been hurt all your life and the hands of strange people
but as soon as you stepped inside a building that contained nurses, those
strangers where meant to instantly become your best friends without a second
thought. Not only could I have spilled all my deepest darkest secrets to this
new girl if I wanted to whereas in society I would be considered mad if I did
that to anyone I saw, it was expected of
me to tell her everything that had happened in my life so far.
“Owww no, not
Rosalie. Rosalie’s my grandmother. Just Lee please if you don’t mind,” The girl
smiled revealing a line of crocked white teeth that made her look even more
youthful. She could be no older than 22 and even that pushed the imagination.
She seemed more teenager like with her presence, like with a few extra mental
scars she could have easily clamed a bed and been considered one of the gang.
“Mi finds
meeting new people quite hard,” Emmet explained for me when I couldn’t even
find the words to great her properly. My head still felt uncomfortable and I
was still very aware of the state I was in. A first meeting shouldn’t have been
quite so … ucky.
“That’s OK I
am sure we will get to know each other over time, and things are always ten
times worse when you’re not feeling in top shape. I can start mopping up if you
want me to,” Lee said in a bubbly tone that only newly qualified professionals
seemed to manage. Even Esmee and Emmet with their unlimited care and compassion
had managed to lose that tone of voice over there many years of nursing. I did
not make me feel better. I was glad that she loved what she was doing and that
she had faith in it but it would go away. After hours and hours of seeing
people like me every day, after never seeing any improvement and after losing
people along the way she would learn that not everything in life could be
approached with such naive optimism and that was sad. She seemed far too young
to lose it. We all where.
“I don’t
think we will be quite that mean to have you cleaning up vomit on your first
day,” Emmet laughed dismissing the suggestion. “It would be great if you could
sit down with Mi for me and give her some company and support if needed while I
do it through. Maybe you could even keep an eye if she wants to use the bathroom
to get her self-cleaned up a bit.”
“Am I on red
then?” The meaning of what Emmet just said reaching my brain in a rush. “Do I
need to have someone in the bathroom with me?” It would seem logical for me to
be but I didn’t want it. Red had meant you failed. It wasn’t meant to be used
like that but everyone saw it that way in the end. If you were put on red’s it meant that in
some way you had worried the staff and for some reason that almost broke my
heart all over again. I had been trying so hard to be OK.
“It is unit
protocol that an ECA admission is always accompanied by a red observation
status until there is an agreement with a doctor that the observation can be
lowered. As a head nurse I can higher observations but I can’t lower them. Now
I will promise you that I will get on the phone as soon as I can to track down
a doctor that can lower you observations. It is Saturday though, and doctors
are notoriously hard to get hold of on the weekend,” Emmet explained with a
grimace. He hated to hurt people.
I swallowed a
lump in my throat as the news was broken to me. I still wanted to cry and the
bad news of an upcoming twenty four to forty eight hours on red was making
controlling the tears almost impossible. I was fed up with failing at life.
When I thought I was getting somewhere I turned backwards and sprinted back to
the start line before I could even recognise it. Even after what Conner had
said I still wanted to leave the unit. I was scared of it now, more scared then
I thought I could be but what would have been the point of me trying to reach recovery
if I was going to stay in Apple gate house? Yes I would have been safe here but
I wouldn’t have been alive, however I wasn’t sure I would be alive if I was allowed
to step inside the death trap that was the Bears house. I was sure of one thing though. If kept
fucking up, if I kept slipping to red observations, I would never even get the
chance to try back on the side of the fence I had once lived on. I would never
leave. I would never be the good person that they deserved.
“I
understand,” I signed to Emmet. I was unwilling to vocalise my acceptance of
the harsh red fact because I didn’t think I could stop my voice from shaking if
I did and then he would comfort me and I would melt into one of the vomit
puddles on the floor. He wouldn’t have minded. He would have even found a way
to comfort me but I didn’t want that. I wanted to be stable – just for once in
my life.
“Go and have
a shower honey,” Emmet instructed as he went over to the concealed door at the
side of the room and slid his card key though the slot to reveal the bright
white tiles behind it. “I will clean up in here when Lee observes you then as
soon as you are done I’ll take over from her and we can have a chat about what
happened.”
“I am so
sorry,” I moaned to him with my hands as I stumbled to my feet and gave Lee a
nod so she knew I was going to take his advice. I did not wait around to hear
his reply.
