Missing purity

Missing purity

“I'm scared and I’m alone
I'm ashamed,
And i need for you to know
I didn't say all the things that i wanted to say,
 you can't take back what you've taken away
'cause I feel you, I feel you near me”

"Damaged" by

 plumb

 There were no words to describe how much I hated having to do what I was about to surrender to. The muscles in my body ached for the hot water of a shower to crash over them and sooth but even that relief would come at a price and that price was a pair of brand new eyes watching and the ECA bathrooms left you wide open for viewing. In the normal bathrooms around the unit all the showers had clear plastic shower curtains around them so the staff could still see through if you were on red observations. I remembered  protesting about them and asking what was the point of having them there at all but that had been months ago, the ECA’s shower now so cruelly had an answer to that question. It appeared the advantage of a clear shower curtain was something you would only come to understand when that was also taking away from you. I had never noticed it before but now but to my slow horror realised that the ECA’s bathrooms actually doubled as a wet room. The shower was a hose sticking from the wall and a drain on the floor. There was nothing else.

“Well that’s dignified,” I heard Lee mumble to herself uncomfortably as she regarded the same fittings as I did with almost as much horror.

“What are you worried about? I am the one who has to take my clothes off!” I snapped before I could stop myself, the panic bubbling up from inside of me as I walked over to under the shower and rested my head against the cold tiled walls debating for a few moments weather I was actually going to be sick again.

“I know Mi, I’m sorry, I’m just new to all of this and well… it doesn’t feel right.” Lee moaned lowering herself onto the white plastic stool that was positioned in the corner of the room for staff at a perfect angle to make sure that there were absolutely no blind spots in their view of the shower or toilet.

I wanted to stay angry at her. I wanted to rant and scream at the top of my lungs and demand that she stopped feeling sorry for herself. That if it felt wrong for her sitting on that stool she should try standing where I was… but the anger didn’t last. It was the sadness of everything that had me and I would Sercombe to its pressured blackness

I started to remove my clothes slowly from the top half until I was stood in just my bra and jeans. I tried not to look at Lee but couldn’t help notice her skim her golden brown eyes over my body. They lingered on my scars the longest, and then shifted to my stomach where a short coil of tubing snaked from the hole in my tummy to be tapped just under my rib cage. I knew logically that that was probably what had caught her interest in that area, but my head screamed that it was the fat she was judging. I told myself that the whole ordeal would have been easier if she would only have to watch over the perfections of a skeleton and not the blubber of a wale.

 I turned away from her pressing my body against the gritty tiles and closed my eyes trying to swallow the tears.  I lowered my damp jeans to the floor next and side stepped out of them revealing my obviously wet underwear to Lee which made my inside crumble a little bit more. The vomiting was bad enough and the wide open shower was devastating but this seemed worse than all of them put together. Sixteen year olds at the very least should have been able to control their bladders if nothing else. It made no difference that I had been busting for the loo and the strain of retching had made it impossible to hold. I could have lost all control and I would have excused myself for it, apart from the control of that -that made me want to melt through the floors to the cavity underneath and rot with the heating until nothing that could feel remained.

I started to cry and there was no way I could stop it as I took off my bra and lowered my pants before turning the water to the hottest setting and standing underneath the jets of water. I knew that they would never really be enough to make me clean; I was dirty to the core. There was not enough soap or water in the world to scrub out the embarrassment and shame that was engrained into my pores but I already knew that, even so I could not stop crying over the fact. All I had ever wanted was to take back the purity that they had stolen from me however that was too much to ask.